In hindsight, I knew my husband was cheating and I knew with whom before he admitted it to me. I knew before I knew. Of course, there was lots I didn't know. The years of sexual acting out with strangers, for instance. But though I didn't know the details, I felt the disconnection. I knew...something.
But because I didn't want to know the truth, I told myself stories to soothe. We were busy with the kids, I told myself. We had growing careers. If he would just deal with his family, things would be better, I told myself (and him). He's a good man, I told myself. He loves me, I told myself.
We lived like that for a long time. Years. A decade.
And then...the truth.
The truth was that my husband was living a secret life. It took place beyond my view, outside of the lines I drew around our family. It existed with strangers. People whose names and faces I wouldn't know if I bumped into them on the street.
The truth was a thousand-volt shock to my life. The truth was a million stings to my soul. The truth was a red-hot branding iron to my brain.
The truth changed everything.
"When one person has said the truth, both people in the relationship are emancipated," poet David Whyte recently said to On Being's Krista Tippet. "Even if you look away, when you look back the truth will still be there. And then you can move into the next stage of your relationship."
Emancipation. It's not the first word that come to mind when we discover a partner's affair, is it? For me, I felt the opposite. Not liberated but imprisoned. Trapped in a marriage, with three young children and a man who felt like a stranger to me. Everywhere I looked, I saw a cage. None of my choices looked like freedom.
And yet.
"When one person has said the truth, both people in the relationship are emancipated," says David Whyte.
It has taken many years for me to see the truth of that. There was freedom in the truth for me. Freedom from the fables I was telling myself. Freedom from the self-blame, the confusion. Freedom to make a choice that was the right one for me, even if the right one was far from perfect. Freedom from perfect.
It took years to recognize that. I wish that wasn't the truth but it is. But with practice, with learning to acknowledge the truth of things – uncomfortable things, things I wish weren't true – the span between knowing and knowing is getting smaller. I'm better at recognizing that what I wish was true doesn't make it true.
It's hard. And it's sad. But it is, yes, also liberating. Emancipation.
Because only when we see people for who they really are, only when we see our situation for what it really is, can we respond honestly. It is then, once the truth has been spoken that both parties can move onto the next stage of the relationship. That stage might, like my own, mean rebuilding a marriage. For others, it might mean separation. Or divorce.
And I get it. The truth of your marriage, when it's not what you wanted to hear, stings. It wounds. It brings us to our knees. But once we're standing again, that truth informs what's next. Our next right step is rooted in what we know and know. And from that knowing, we can truly choose what's right for us.
The part about being trapped with someone who was now a stranger really rang true. Just like most others on here I knew before I knew as well. My line of work requires me to be extremely observant and I go into every situation knowing that everyone is lying to me. So when I started feeling like I was on duty at home as well alot of emotions came up long before D Day. My truth is that the trust in my relationship is permanently fractured and I still don't think I've been given full disclosure still 2 years later. All I can do is fix my issues and hope my effort is contagious. I haven't given up yet but, surrender is starting to look appealing these days.
ReplyDeleteThat is my question.. how do we heal when the honesty just doesn’t seem to be there. I can feel every time there is shady happenings going on, yet I am told that I’m crazy and making things up. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” … This struggle is Real!!
DeleteHow do you deal with knowing that there is more truth out there. The whole story had not been told. Probably only a small portion has come out in some small bit of truth. Over a year since dday. I am not any better than I was on day 1. I'm a stay at home mom. It has made me feel completely hopeless. I thought I knew this guy. We've been together for almost 30 years. He did most of his cheating when we got married and had our first child. Then there were other instances of emotional bonding with women at work that I didn't like. Who knows what the real truth is. I am still in the "trapped" stage.
DeleteSix years ago I had my first DD and over the course of the next two years I had several more DD's. It broke me down in a way that shocked me. My childhood had mental, physical, and sexual abuse, but this felt worse. I had trusted this man and laid down my barriers and become vulnerable and trusting with him. It really was like my entire world had exploded. At the time I was in horrific pain, but i agree it was an opportunity for both of us to be set free of the lies and see each other clearly. I began to focus on myself, because at that time he was undeserving of anything from me. When he saw me disengage and focus on myself he became afraid and started to work on himself..the reason for his behavior. It's been a long dark road, and I will never be grateful it happened. However, I am happy at the person i am today.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I was severely abused in my childhood and I spent many years of my youth playing men so that I could finally have some power. I had some good relationships and I also cheated on every man I ever dated because I was unable to be vulnerable and trust a man. Fast forward to my early 40s and I finally met & married the love of my life. He was someone I could finally be vulnerable with and be a whole person alongside him. I let my vulnerability fall with him and he was the one person who WAS meeting all my needs and I never ever had any desire to cheat (and there were offers). The past two years were horrible for us and we neglected each other. I’m a nurse and mother so COVID his my life hard in so many ways!ut just when you think it can’t get worse…it does. Karma came for me — the one person in the whole world I loved and trusted had cheated on me. It was pure shock. My entire world was destroyed. It’s been a week since I found out and he was horribly remorseful and hoping I would find out so he could see how hurt he was by my neglect of him and his sexual needs. I found text messages from many different women, some strippers, some “massage therapists”, some from various websites he paid for. Suddenly he had to go on sudden business trips and was always on his cell phone. I began to irritate him so often and I was puzzled by that. My brain could not absorb the betrayal I felt even after I had confronted him before when I suspected he was cheating and even with him knowing how open I am about my past. I was utterly and totally in love with him. I admired him, adored him, cherished him and could not wait to see him anytime we were apart. Within a few days of working through shock, pure rage, and rivers of tears he arranged marriage counseling for us. We realize that our relationship is now different. It will never be what it was. I suppose I have the unique perspective of seeing both sides and I know why I cheated so many years ago so I can understand how he felt unloved, unappreciated & simply neglected. I’ve gone back to being the person I was before I met him and I’m not sure that’s such a good thing. I can play men shockingly well and I manipulated so many in my lifetime. I want revenge to make him hurt like I am, but I love him too much to hurt him that way & the honest truth is that I really only want him. I hate myself for being so vulnerable and for trusting him.
DeleteMy advice would be to forget marriage counseling for now. It does not address the kind of deep seated issues that you both have. You both need individual therapy from qualified professionals, preferably clinical psychologists. There isn't a chance in hell of having a healthy relationship if the parties to it are not emotionally healthy. Marriage counseling is about facilitating communication and does not
Deletedo a deep dive into the psychological problems of the participants. You both need a deep dive IMO.
I too felt something that knowing before knowing it has taken me a long time to get to where I am today. It has taken a lot of time to put myself back together ( I’m still working on it ) however I need to finally discuss the elephant in the room up until now we haven’t really talked about it. I don’t want the gory details I don’t need to picture what went on between them. What I want is for him to acknowledge the way he rewrote his moral code and our history to let this person in to our life. Our marriage, our family and was it worth all the destruction and heartbreake the loss of connection to the people he says he loves the most. I’m certain that at the time he didn’t give us a second thought but now ? In order for us to continue to move forward we need clarity and to see each other clearly. I too see a stranger sometimes where I used to see home. I hope that we can get to that point again. Like Mister J I hope the my efforts are contagious and I too haven’t given Up. I have days like today where I feel tired and as if I could just surrender, however it normally passes and I keep going. I have to say something though I have truly surprised myself on me the person I have become I never wanted to be here where I am I stupidly thought we were solid. What I found out is I’m the solid one, I’m the rock for our children and for my husband and he knows this too
ReplyDeleteI can relate to how you described your partner as “rewriting his moral code.” My husband always seemed like a solid guy. When I was a teenager it came out that my father was having an affair and eventually left the family to be with this woman. It crushed me and started years of anxiety and questioning my self worth. When I met my husband I told him about this and he reassured me he would never do that. But he always said my father’s problem was that he left. I guess I never understood what he meant by that. Almost three years ago I had a feeling something was wrong in my own marriage and I was sadly correct. I discovered that my husband was cheating and when I confronted him he seemed apologetic at first, but then made it seem like he was a better man than my father because he never intended to leave my children and I. I couldn’t share him regardless. It took several months for him to end his affair and then we were hit by the pandemic. I hoped and prayed that this would definitely prevent him from having any further contact. And that seemed to be the case. One of the conditions I put in place when i first found out about this betrayal was to be able to track his location at all times. For the most part he still allows this. But then last week while drinking too much he showed me his phone and I saw a recent text from the woman. He claimed she reached out but he didn’t reply. I begged him to block her as I had asked this from the get go. He stated that he did. But then yesterday he disappeared for a few hours and when I tracked him it seems more than likely he met up with this person. I asked him later where he was, without revealing that I knew his local location, and he lied straight to my face. I did not reveal that I knew he was lying. So now I am reliving every second of the pain I have carried for almost 3 years and I know that if I want him to stay with me and my children I probably have to resign the fact that I will be sharing my husband with another woman. I don’t want to do this! But I’m so scared of being alone. I can’t afford my home without him. I do not want to uproot my children because of this. I do not want to feel the shame and embarrassment from family and friends that I am basically living the same loveless marriage my parents lived for years. I’m sick over this. I can’t sleep. I’m depressed. I just want things to be better between us and for him not to want this woman in his life anymore. Why can’t I be enough for him?
DeleteI am at the same cross road. My husband insists on having female “friends” that “he doesn’t have sex with” but can’t be honest about seeing or talking to them. Am I wrong to feel that innocent actions should not need secrets. Now I have to decide if I can handle the shade because it has been this way for 4+ years now and when I get one gone the next one moves in. We are on the “friend” number 3 now.
DeleteI am so broken and angry every time I look at my partner. He has a way of making me feel like I’m at fault for everything I do wrong yet he is the one who broke our relationship. He had the audacity to say he has sacrificed so much to be in this relationship- things he can’t take back. He has successfully made me feel small and I want to find my inner amazing self who knows I deserve to be treated like a queen..yet somehow I’m not able to be honest with him about how much I resent him and spite him….I hope that one day I can get the strength to walk up and leave coz we aren’t married yet and there are no joint investments binding us together. Most days I wake up telling myself, what the hell am I doing here. I feel myself slowly drifting away and working up the courage to leave. I no longer put effort in our relationship and intimacy is slowly diminishing. I know I will get there some day. I have to..for me and my daughter (that’s not his)
DeleteYes, you do need to leave. Your daughter is watching you to see what it means to be a woman in this world. Staying with a man who mistreats you, who behaves as if staying with you is a sacrifice, is teaching her to do the same.
DeleteI just confirmed my husband is cheating on me a few hours ago and your description of knowing before you knew was so accurate. I can now look back and see all the times I hid from the knowledge and I don't know how to face the morning at this point. I am afraid to go to sleep because I have to decide if I am going to address this before or after the holiday weekend with HIS family.
ReplyDeleteI literally just returned from a week long vacation with his family that I had to go on the day after he finally admitted it.
DeleteWorst experience ever and I feel for too. I knew it was true the moment the OW told me it happened hours after the event but choose to “believe” my husband for the 3 weeks immediately after when he told me she was just some random crazy person
I knew something was going on before I found out a few days ago. I'm feeling completely devastated and trying to hold my self together for my 2 girls who sre 11 and 13. My husband said he had feelings for this woman. It started out as a friendship he said. They text and call while he's at work. He said it has not been sexual. It started a year ago. The other woman is married as well. I feel like a emotional relationship is worse for me then him having sex becsuse he has feelings for her and it's not like u can just turn off those feelings that were built over a year. It saddens me greatly. The problem also is he is not a bad man. He is a Amazing father. I just wish I could turn back time. I will Just take it Day by Day.
ReplyDeleteHi KM and others, I'm so sorry you're discovering what so many of us discover -- that the person we trusted was untrustworthy. You will find a ton of info and support on this site. Please also find support in the "real" world -- a good therapist is a godsend. But also know this: You will get through this. The pain will end. "My heartbreak, my rules" is our motto -- you get to decide how you respond to this but give yourself time to truly digest this. He will reveal whether he deserves a second chance with his behaviour but even if he does everything right, you are not required to give him a second chance. That is your choice. Treat yourself with respect and kindness. Be gentle with yourself. This is a trauma. But you can heal.
DeleteMy husband has also had an emotional affair and it sucks!! He reconnected with someone from his past & from his messages to her, it seems like she was the one that got away. I feel like our 30+ years together have been a sham. While they were not physical as we live hours away from her, the emails they exchanged with each other keep replaying in my mind all day & all night. He has never said the things to me that he has said to her….and he downplays what they have exchanged & says it was “fantastical.” According to him, they have no plans to be together. I don’t believe him. I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. He keeps telling me to focus on us & not her. How can I do that when I’m not convinced that they stopped communicating?!?!?!
DeleteI’m sorry you all are experiencing the same heartbreak I feel. I am a week in a half into knowing my husband has had a 1.5 year emotional affair with a married coworker. They said they love each other and would kiss each other, so technically it was a physical affair too. We have been together for 10 years and married for 1.5 years. In hindsight I knew something was off too, but I kept chalking it up to the demands of work in a covid world. It kills me to know he didn’t break it off with her all while going through with marrying me. I hate that I have been living a lie and have a lot of self blame. I read texts that she asked him to leave me 3x and yet he wouldn’t. I’ve always told him to leave me before cheating, and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Some days are getting better but the trust is gone and now my anxiety is at an all time high. She has stopped working with him, but I now know that when he was staying late at work he was staying and sitting with her in her car. Needless to say when he is home later than expected it is a trigger. I am unsure how I will move forward. I also take some accountability that our relationship hasn’t been the best the past couple of years, but never would I ever do what he did and break the vows I swore in front of god/our family and friends.
DeleteFreedom. From. Self-blame. YES.
ReplyDeleteI found out three months ago. I will say this-the waves of grief get further and further apart, but they’re still there. I can barely keep my head above the water some days, but I know I’ll be ok. I have felt all of the feelings that you all have described and if kids weren’t involved, I would be gone. I’m disgusted by him-even though he’s really working on himself. I want him to be ok-but I’m not sure I want to be his wife anymore. But as far as the knowing? I knew. I had dreams he was cheating for years but chalked it up to my insecurity: I even knew who it was with but thought he would never. I was wrong. I’ll never doubt myself again.
ReplyDeleteDear July 5 “fantastical” ….and each and every word you said I
ReplyDeletelived. Emotionally gushy emails. Words he has never said to me. Texts and gifts and selfies. Gross. He has ruined me. And us. And I stay married; it’s the poison I choose. Because I cannot bear the damage it will cause my kids. They adore their daddy. No generational trauma is going to be handed out by me. Emotional affairs are the deepest form of betrayal because they were intentionally not a slip up or one thing led to another, they are daily fantasies and I hate him now for being so weak and for all the lies. But here I stay. I must be strong and love myself, even damaged me…I must accept and love.
My DD was almost 3 years ago now. The pain has lessened over time but still hurts. It’s an odd feeling- my therapist asks if I trust my husband and I say I do. What I really mean is I trust that he doesn’t have the time or resources to cheat atm because we are so busy with a young family but I don’t trust that it will never happen again. He is a very accomplished liar. The only reason he told me was because we were in the trenches of loss having lost our first child at 22 weeks gestation and he was suicidal- so in a sense he was coming clean before leaving. But he had been lying to me for years and I ‘knew’ something had happened. It wasn’t ongoing affairs but poor, inappropriate , sexualised behaviour with other women and one one night stand. He promises me it was spontaneous and that he used a condom. I trust that it was spontaneous but I don’t trust that he used a condom (he doesn’t carry them- we had been together for years and I was on the pill at the time). We have a young family and I am pregnant. He is amazing in every other aspect of our lives and had undiagnosed bipolar II which he is now in treatment for so everything is looking in his favour. However I don’t believe I will ever truly trust him again. I don’t want to break up my family and I do love him but I guess only time will tell whether we make it or not.
ReplyDeleteDear Elle,
ReplyDeleteI am glad that I found your page through an article your wrote ( https://bestlifeonline.com/stay-with-cheating-husband/). Your experience seems very similar to mine. I had no idea he was having the secret life long before we got married.
It was 8 months ago. He disclosed one of the affairs to me after I found a chat history of him hitting on a girl he didn't know before during a conference trip. Later, the truth came out drip by drip. It was so painful to me. It turned out that at the very beginning of our relationship he was already doing this and even after we got engaged. It was never a flowery and dreamy relationship but I always thought we can work through everything with our heart. I blamed myself when I first discovered. There were so many of them and although he said he stopped after we got married, I could nor believe him. He still use tinder and secretly chatting with a female colleague and went out with her once. It felt like my whole belief system, world view, and values are torn down. He was my first boyfriend.
Although I am now on the road of reconciliation with him, the whole thing haunt me still sometimes. We are now living in my hometown and it seems he is working on it with me by going to couple therapy. But deep down, if he really is changing, I still could not help but doubt. I try my best to see the reality instead of the reality I wish to see. I also try to remind myself that the world is beautiful out there and I should enjoy it, no matter with my partner or not. I should also acknowledge that "I" choice to stay with him now.
I also had a feeling of "emancipation" when I knew what I probably knew long ago without realizing. It frees me from lots of confusion and self doubt.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone, and giving me hope.
My 14 year marriage/18 year relationship was crushed when I found out in 2017. I knew my husband had been talking to a childhood friend but did not realize it was more until he asked if I cared if they attend med a play together - professionally, it made sense. But I then stated to put the pieces together. A week later, I did something I’d never done:checked his cell records. Thankfully, she had an android when he had an iPhone. Thousands upon thousands of messages each month, calls initiated the second he left home. I confronted him and he admitted the emotional connection (the worst). Took an entire month for him to admit it was also sexual.
ReplyDeleteIt’s five years and a few months after DDay and it still affects me. We went to counseling together, separately, and have had a mostly wonderful five years. I’m so incredibly grateful. But I’m changed. Forever. And I hate that.
In my good times, I’m the spontaneous person I’ve always been. Im happy, supportive, and loving. I love this man. He is human. I forgave him almost immediately. That was never a problem.
My head is the problem. My fear is still the problem. I know he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I don’t doubt that.
The unknown. That’s what I fear when something arises.
The blanket trust. Gone. I didn’t push it away. He did.
I am a little over a year post D day. I too immediately forgave him and went to counseling. I am happy most days, but that fear of the unknown can be so scary. I have tried to suppress those feelings, but sometimes they bubble up. He has not made me question him since the day I found out, but i still do not trust him completely. I don’t think I ever will and that makes me really sad. I just wish this chapter was not a part of my life story. I am wanting more affection and affirmations from him since it happened. He gets annoyed and tells me it’s not normal. You are the one that gutted me and made me feel worthless and not wanted by having the affair. My thoughts can be exhausting. I have to stop myself from going down that rabbit hole of what did she have? Why her? I think of her less and less but it still pops up time to time. I am just tired. I only told 2 people of the affair. I have to act like nothing happened to basically the entire world. It can be so exhausting. I just hope it gets better and I can start not feeling this way. Not sure if any of that made sense, but it is nice to vent since he wants to just put it behind us and not speak about it. I know bringing it up isn’t going to make anything better. I guess time will tell. I just want peace.
DeleteI am 7 years post finding out. On the whole to the outside world we look like any other couple married 41 years. But how I feel is still very much as an individual not we. I know I do not feel the same towards him and never will. What I have is enough at my time of life. Had this happened when I was younger I would have gone for sure, but in my sixties I would struggle on my own. We have friendly times but marriage should be so much more. I know I can’t give more to the one person I thought would love and protect me not hurt and destroy me.
ReplyDeleteYour comment really stuck with me you forgave him almost immediately, I think that’s what happened with me when I found out about all the women he has been with I was hurt, angry, I felt this burning pain inside but for some reason I could still see the end of the tunnel and knew I wanted to be with him regardless and sometimes I wonder if that means that there’s something wrong with me it’s barely five months since DDay well since I found everything trying back to the multiple relationships he was having. Some days I’m good some days I feel so bad about myself and I don’t get it because I didn’t do anything but love this man. Yes we spoke about the break downs and what was lacking … it’s funny you can tell when something is off I had this nagging feeling but ignored it only to find out I was right along… sigh. He’s making efforts and I’m feeling it but then you wonder if you could do this to someone you love what else is there.
ReplyDeleteI am 7 months out from the day I found out about my husband’s affair l. I had sensed that he was pulling away from me for a few months. I received a weird text from him saying he missed me. We just saw each other how could he miss me? I checked his phone and found the evidence of an affair with a coworker. I confronted him and he admitted it. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced. My whole life felt like it had blown up. I trusted this man with my heart. He broke it into a million little pieces. A little background on me is that I have suffered with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. I was disengaged from life for a very long time. I was not working on our marriage. He received the attention he was craving from the other women. I am not saying this to place blame on myself, but my depression and not managing it was a contributing factor to where we were at. I needed to come to terms with my part in how our marriage got to this place. I immediately knew that I wanted to save our marriage if that was possible. I called my doctor that day and made an appointment. I am now on meds that have helped tremendously. I also went to a therapist for me to be able to have coping mechanisms for my anxiety. The anxiety always led to depression. My husband also committed to breaking it off with her. He blocked her number on his phone and all social media accounts. He does still work with her from time to time. I am trusting that he is not engaging in any bad behavior.
ReplyDeleteOver the last 7 months i have focused on bettering myself. I was extremely overweight and felt horrible about myself. I found yoga and practice almost everyday. I also cardio exercise a few times a week. As a mother, daughter, sister and wife I always focused on making everyone else happy. My therapist made me understand that if i am not happy and love myself then how will the people in my life love me? I still sometimes focus on how others are feeling. I have to stop myself and remember I can only control my feelings and emotions. I don’t want to give that power away. I do have these passing pangs of heart break and anxiety of the what ifs. What if he leaves? What if he does it again? What if I go into that dark place of depression again? I have been struggling with these what ifs more recently. I think it has to do with the holidays fast approaching. That time of year is really hard for me. The expectations i put on myself in the past were high. I am trying to manage that. This was also the time of year I felt my husband pulling away from me last year. I am taking it day by day.
I have forgiven him, but I absolutely HATE her. I know i have to let go of that hate. I just don’t know how to do it. She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. I feel as if i am diminishing my feelings if I forgive her. Any advice on how to do this would be appreciated.
I will continue to work on myself. That is all i can do. I can’t control what will happen in the future. Thanks for listening :)
Dear anonymous...I am so sorry for what has brought you here, but I am glad that we are all here for each other. For the first year after D-Day, I too hated the affair-woman, I had fantasies of kangaroo-kicking her in the jaw, many times over. The second year after D-Day I didn't think of her much as I was working on myself. But wasband was having yet another affair with a young woman, half his age. Even though we were separated I felt the humiliation and anger and hurt. Year three of separation I realized there was hatred that I had towards wasband and what he had done to me personally and to our marriage and family life. My first year of 'hating' the affair-person protected me from the feelings I was not ready to recognize let alone process, for my wasband. It was all too much. Year One was one of shock and bewilderment, great anxiety and stress. But now after three years separated, I see more and more clearly of the man I trusted and invested my whole life in. Forgiveness for the ultimate betrayal in a committed 'loving' marriage? I think that is for the saints in heavens above. I am barely beginning on forgiving myself for getting involved with a player, this is where my focus on forgiveness is. I feel compassion for a human being that is so messed up as my wasband, but the damage he did to me mentally/psychologically/physically is frankly in the hands of the Divine to forgive. He is on his own wretched path and I continue to work on collecting myself and forgiving myself for the stupid act of 'falling in love' with someone who could not reciprocate. You say that if you forgive 'her', you will be diminishing your feelings. So this should also apply to your husband. If you truly have forgiven him, then you have forgiven everything about him and his sneaky life, which includes the affair-person. Personally, I do not believe there is a timeline on forgiveness, it should never be rushed nor expected. Are you less of a person if you are not able to forgive right now? I think not. Feelings of hatred need to be recognized and processed. I examined how I felt about the other-woman; she was my husband's photography assistant and husband ended up renting our duplex to her... she tried to be my friend, borrowed things from me, actually stole from me, damaged my house...she was nothing but a pathetic opportunistic manipulative pill-junkie-drunk...so yes I hated her for a while but realized that someone who did the things she did was mentally unstable...wasband also is mentally unstable for all the things he did...so I am left with forgiving myself first and foremost and everything else afterwards will fall naturally into place as a result. Even when cheaters are exposed, unless they want to make real positive change and growth in their lives, well....their pathology will simply continue. So do what you can for YOU and only you. Work on your wellness, on becoming a whole person and everything else will fall into place. My two cents, take what resonates and run with the ball :-)
ReplyDeleteFairly recently, I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years (who I was told, was planning to propose) was cheating on me. A younger, fresher, hotter woman who he met online. They've been talking dirty on discord for months, and have been doing it while I'm sleeping beside him.
ReplyDeleteOn top of that, he was hooking up with another girl (who by the way is married with a new born). The best part? The times that they hooked up, he told me he was going out with friends and I ironed his clothes cause I want him to look nice.
He had no remorse, denied everything until I admitted to him that I've read through their messages from when it started. Yes. I read them ALL. Only then did he apologize. But even then, he blamed me. "It was because you weren't sweet. You never gave me attention".
I spoke to both the girls.. I thought I owed them that. The married woman apologized and blocked us both, while the other spoke to me as if I was crazy for being mad. I got mad because she still kept messaging him after knowing the fact that he wasn't single and that kinda sucks. I thought us girls have each others backs. But I thought wrong.
All this. I gave him a chance when he begged me to stay.
I saw another message from the younger girl, and I'm furious. I confronted my boyfriend, but in the end.. I'm the bad guy for not "letting things go"
This all happened August. Am I really that dumb? And he's just a manipulative narcissist?
Sweetheart I don't know what you're still doing with such a man. Focus on yourself, heal and leave him!!!!
DeleteI wrote a few months ago about forgiving my husband almost immediately after his affair was revealed 5 years ago, that we worked hard to repair it and have been happy although I still have moments of doubt and wonder if he is truthful. Monday night, I got the answer: he has been having a nearly 3 year affair this time! The woman texted me to tell me. Whoa. Wow. Like what? It’s been less than 48 hours and what I can say is that this one hurts very differently than the first time. The first time, I could not believe he what the ability to lie to me the way he did (7 month affair with a childhood friend) and I was devastated by the betrayal. This time, I already knew he had the ability. But the audacity. I knew they were friends, even close, and even been physical on occasion (we have delved into the swinger/poly life a bit, but this is NOT part of it) but it has been going on much longer and much deeper than I ever thought. Last year about this time, I started to really question him and what did he do? Yes. He turned it on me. Told me I was the problem, that I didn’t trust him, the he couldn’t take my insecurity. I started to have panic attacks. Started going back to therapy because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Well, nothing was wrong with me. It was him all along. The deception this time was deep - staging iMessages for me while the real talking was on WhatsApp. He gaslighting was sooooo bad that I apologized over and over again for not trusting him. Ha. I was right. Tonight, I am numb. I can’t even cry for him or us or our family. I love him deeply but don’t care about what happens to his any longer. We have been together 23 years and I am going to walk away. I have already forgiven him but I cannot live with someone I do not trust. I feel vindicated that I was right all along but that doesn’t make any of this better. The other woman seems nice - of course, he tells me she is crazy - and she just wanted more of his time and for him to tell me. She decided that she’d waited long enough. So now, for the second time, I was served a shit pie after dedicating my life to this man and our family. I am so incredibly numb, I know what comes next - I have been here before. As soon as I get past the shutdown, I know I will be stronger. I hope his next girlfriend treats him like garbage.
ReplyDeleteAt the 1st of November (only barely a months ago) I received a message on Instagram. Let me copy and paste it for all of you so you get a better understanding:
ReplyDeleteHi. I don't like to do this. But there is something u should know. It is alot to write and say. So I'll sum it up as much as I can. It's about Nick. I been talking to him for a while now and now we have a situation (I'm pregnant by him). I did not know of you and I apologize. When we first talked he told me he was single and all. I'm guessing it was the time u were pregnant when we first talked and we have continued to talk. I just feel u have the right to know whats going on because it is unfair to me and to u as well. I want to make it clear, I'm not trying to hurt u nor cause any drama. We both got played by him. It's alot to say and explain. But u do have every right to know. If u do want to talk that's up to u. Or any questions u want to ask, I'll answer. My name is Cynthia. 9099294948
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My world shattered right there… my husband and me have a 11 months old daughter together. This woman was aware of this shortly after they started to see each other in march since she hired a private investigator to find out why my husband doesn’t want to invest a lot time into her and answer all her calls and messages. She decided to reach out to me after my husband ended the affair with her and wanted to come clean to me. At least that’s what he is saying but this could all be a lie.
I gave birth to our daughter last year December. I was so postpartum and had so much self esteemed issues as I gained 50lbs. While I was so vulnerable and needed my husband the most he decided to start an affair with someone else. He neglected me fully emotionally and sexually … he said he needs time for himself and is so exhausted because of the baby… he also didn’t work. I went straight back to work and provided for our family as I make more money than him. He slept with me for the first time after I had my daughter. That was in August . Of course unprotected as I thought I am his only sexual partner.
I am a breastfeeding mother and HIV can be transferred through breastmilk. He risked our daughters life and my life for his selfish reasons. He never came to me and told this all… I had to find out through THIS message. And now she is even pregnant… my husband told me the whole story afterwards how everything started and what made him do that and he says he is deeply sorry and just wants to be with us but also partly blames me for what happened. he started to go to the love and sex addiction meetings. We are in couples counseling since 2 years as he was cheating on me before through sexting. Like tinder and so with women… but he told me it was never physically and that’s why I was willing to work on it. That I got pregnant was a surprise for both of us and I thought things would get better. When I was at my most lowest he wasn’t there for me, he risked the health of our daughter which is the part that makes me hate him. And of course mine. My heart is shattered. I feel so stupid. I don’t know how to overcome this. I am crying as i am writing this. It’s all a nightmare.
Dear anonymous.....I am so so very sorry to hear this has happened. The painful truth is that a leopard cannot change his spots. Without proper therapy, integrity, a need/desire for positive change a (serial) cheater will remain as they are. Their fragile egos have a need to surive and the lying and cheating is part of their survival. Some of these cheaters have good intentions of repairing the relationship damage they do, but they are victim to their patterns. The gaslighting is suffocating. I have been separated three years now, and from time to time we engage in heated conversation...it's always the same, he yells at me ' you hate me, you don't trust me'...he puts me on the defensive. Frankly, he proved himself untrustworthy, over and over....even when I present him with things I have discovered, he skirts around the facts and throws a big pity-party for himself. Never once did he say, 'I have proven myself to be untrustworthy, I don't blame you for being cautious. You have every right to be'. But this would take compassion and integrity. I cannot believe the lies he tells himself, let alone the lies he tells me. He tells me he is a different person now. What I am interested in is the person that I have become through this. Lest naive. Less blindly-trusting. Less careless with whom I place my hopes and dreams. I was so hard on myself during the past three years, and have decided to to rely on me, to place my hopes and dreams on me, to trust ME. These cheating players live an empty life and I find this incredibly sad. They have no real foundation, everything is built on quicksand and smoke and mirrors. I am building my foundation on granite. Work on your own foundation, realize that you are enough, you matter and the rest will take care of itself. Please be well and check in with us!!
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