Our good friend to Betrayed Wives Club (and who created this kickass design and logo) StillStanding gave me some advice recently. I had told her how conflicted I am about this site. I lack the time to give it the attention it (and you! All of you!!) deserve. But I lack the heart to shut it down. And I lack the creative energy at this point to reimagine it — to figure out a new incarnation that continues to give the support and community that it has provided for so long to so many (more than 4 million over about a decade!).
She told me, in that wide, thoughtful way she has, that it's okay to sort of park it, to perhaps disable comments while still keeping all the posts up, and all the old comments. That it can act as something of an archive for those new to the pain of infidelity — like reading an old book of wisdom that continues to hold value. (Though please know, those of you who don't yet know, that I write something of a guide book, an Encyclopedia, to help you navigate to a place of healing.)
And I got thinking about how valuable "permission" is — how one of the most important aspects of this site is exactly that: We gave each other permission to just feel that deep deep pain. To sit in the not knowing what to do next. To rage and cry and grow silent and scared. Because we knew, even if we didn't yet know, that all of that was important to healing. Our own and each other's.
So that's what I will continue to do for now. I'm not yet ready to decide and that's okay. I'm not ready to move away from all of you, and that's okay too. There are far too many times that I'll be thinking about something that has NOTHING to do with infidelity — navigating adult relationships with my children, dealing with my new job, absorbing climate grief from the work I do — and I will hit upon an insight and my first thought continues to be, I need to share this with the secret sisters. Because while so much of relationships with others isn't about infidelity at all, the lessons I've learned healing from betrayal, the support and community we created here, has everything to do with how I negotiate and experience my relationships. Boundaries. Gratitude. Courage. Radical honesty. Waiting. Self-compassion.
I hope you'll continue to share your pain and your wisdom and your kindness to each other. I will try to be better at moderating and posting comments.
I miss those of you who have been so pivotal to my healing. And though I may never even know many of your real names, you are so very real to me.
I finally got the nerve to post my story yesterday, only to read here it was too late. Don't even know how to process that.
ReplyDeleteToo late? Do you mean for people to weigh in and comment? Not at all. People continue to come to this site and (although I'm a bit slow these days), I continue to post them. There's also value in writing your story, in claiming it and having the courage to put it out there, to say, 'this happened to me'. I wish you hope and healing as you move through this. It's excruciating. I know. But the fact that I am not here so often is also evidence that the day comes when it's well and truly behind you.
DeleteI am married for 32 years and deeply in love with my husband. Despite he has been cheating on me for decades. I got all the cheating signals and my ‘sixth sense’ can tell each time … he has never accepted. in 2006 I had a surgery and had free time, when I checked our credit card statement and found/got to see ‘Adult friend finder’ charge on the credit card. He has been paying for 3 years as I trusted him with the money and never question or looked at that statements. Working woman with two kids we had split chores. I do home chores and he does bills, manage finances …still living with him in pain ! People would say I am such a fool .. but broken from inside. Grown up kids. Still no way to divorcing . I invested all my life and emotionally dependent, will be nothing being alone in society. Any advise will be much appreciated 🙏
ReplyDeleteI can truly sympathize with your story. I've been married 38 years and found out a few months ago that my husband was cheating for several years. He says it ended a couple of years ago, but what's old to him is very fresh to me. As with yourself divorce sounds terrifying after having invested all these years in a marriage, and just plain economically unfeasible. Not what I pictured for my golden years. It is so hard to think he could take those years and treat it as so much garbage.
DeleteMy pain and rage seem to know no limits.
But I am giving myself a year to figure things out, because at this point in my life I can't imagine how to untangle our joined lives. I just wish I could stop being so angry.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But you wrote something that I think speaks to the truth: "broken from inside." While I don't think you're "broken", I do think, somewhere, somehow, you got the message that you don't deserve respect or kindness or love. And I think that belief has kept you in a relationship in which you are treated as if you don't matter. I sincerely hope you will find yourself a counsellor who can help you address that deep deep wound and begin to heal it. Whether or not you choose to stay in your marriage, I want your choices to be based on what you truly want, not out of fear, not out of desperation. You are most certainly not "nothing" — every single one of us is worthy of love and belonging and that includes you.
Delete
ReplyDeleteDearest Elle,
so happy to hear from you, and happy that your life is evolving. When I read your words though “… to shut it down”, my heard plummeted for a few seconds and I felt a little something in my stomach.
Even though I am not in that deep storm anymore, I still need you. Your site is like a compass to me, navigating me when I feel not strong enough. Reassuring me, putting me on the right track when this thing just gets too big again.
Don´t ask too much from you in keeping the site alive, please. A quiet site is just fine and totally sufficient. Holding this space for us is enough. And as you said, it serves as an old book of wisdom. It supports and encourages us to heal in a healthy way.
Thank you so much for what you have done for us. You´re incredible!
Thank-you, Breathe. Your kind words are what keep me coming back. I know how valuable it is, when we're reeling, to know that we're not alone. That others have been where we are and that they have healed from it. Still thinking...not ready to shut the door on this site yet.
DeleteHi, Thank you so much for creating this space and sharing your stories.
ReplyDeleteIts nearly 3 years since my husband of 35 years left me -for a 20 year younger woman . He was a good man and I still miss him terribly although on the outside I am moving on - for sake of my sons. I have an inner calling telling me he will return , hence not ready for any final proceedings like financial settlement or divorce. I would welcome your thoughts on this . Thanks
Moon, I'm so sorry for your pain. I think you need to do what feels right for you. But I worry that you're depriving yourself of financial support. Whether or not he returns, you ensuring that you have what you're entitled to wouldn't change that. It would show that you have self-respect and that you know how to take care of yourself. You deserve kindness and respect. And sometimes we need to show that to ourselves before others will.
DeleteI respect where you are at Elle. I found this site in 2015 when my life was falling apart. I can honestly say you helped me hold it together and I would have not survived without all the advice and many posts to read. You were light in my very dark world. The archive here will do others good! It’s important to read in a traumatic time like this. I lived for the daily posts! :) My weight got down to 99 pounds in 90 days and I learned to nourish my body with toast and tea. I did not sleep and was calmed by the many wives enduring the exact pain I felt. I’m a warrior and survivor of infidelity and eventually reached peace. I thank you for all you’ve done!
ReplyDeleteOmigosh, toast and tea. I well remember those days. You are indeed a warrior. Anyone who fights through this pain is incredible. Reaching peace is what we all deserve. Thank-you so much for the kind words. I can't tell you how my heart swells when I hear what this site has done for others. I felt so alone at first, and so afraid of people's vitriol. My goal was to create a space where we respected each others' experience and response to it. We each walk our own path through this.
DeleteI empathize with wanting to continue to help/guide while struggling to fit it into a life that is continually healing. I do not know the effort needed to run a blog of this nature and have yet to look into it. I do know in times when you cannot bring yourself to post, maybe transitioning to a more of a forum style could keep it growing. Giving your wonderful users the ability to post their own topics that everyone can respond to might be the move. I say this because this community was found by myself at one of my lowest points in life. It helped knowing I wasn't alone and made it simpler to cope with life in general. Being able to come back and see everyone's version of my story is also why it has been bookmarked on my browser. Ultimately what you decide we will all have to life with but, know, it will be missed.
ReplyDeleteMister J, I have long wanted to include something of a forum but a couple of things stopped me. First, I haven't a clue how and am something of a tech-dumdum. Second, I feared that, without comment moderation, there would be a lot of trigger-y stuff. I know I was super-sensitive to the comments about how people who stay are "chumps", that all cheaters will cheat again, as well as the occasional Other Woman who shows up spewing vitriol. I don't want anyone, in their worst moments, to have to deal with that. But you are right -- community is so valuable and can remind us that there's a group of strangers out there who know our most intimate pain and that if they can get up each day and face it, we can too.
DeleteI was trying to see if there was a way to share my story here to get advice from other women who have gone through this. I just found out my husband of one year is having an affair with one of his employees that is half his age. He doesn't seem that sorry yet but my mom said that could take time. I am a complete disaster and don't know what to do. 💔
ReplyDeleteI feel you. Just found out the same. Im destroyed.
DeleteI feel the same. After only 1 month of marriage my husband starting going to the strip club and getting happy ending massages. He’s literally spent thousands of dollars on other women while I’m the one who saves everything I earn because we’ve been planning on buying a house together. We’ve been married for only 6 months and I feel like it has been a complete lie this whole time. He told me he wanted to experience other women as an adult and I can’t believe he had the nerve to do this after we said our vows to be faithful to each other 1 month before. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I don’t know if we will move on from here.
DeleteI am barely 2 years married and found out a few weeks ago that my husband cheated twice in our young marriage. I had a traumatic birth experience and barely survived. I sincerely thought our marriage was going to be stronger from that experience. Only to find out that Dec 2021 to March 2022 and Aug 2022 to Oct 2022 he's had sexual relationships with 2 people.
ReplyDeleteWhile trying to sort something from his iwatch, I found conversations that seemed to be a lover's quarrel. It's been a lot of back and forth with lies and half truths and for a new mum, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I'm losing control
AnnyE, I am so incredible sorry for everything you've been through. A traumatic birth, a baby (I presume), and the discovery of a partner's betrayal. What a lot to deal with! I have no doubt that you're exhausted in so many ways. Which is why I'm going to urge you, as best you can, to shift focus entirely to you and your baby. Your husband either will or won't step up and become the man you deserve. But right now, you need to focus on survival. Eating as well as you can, trying to get appropriate sleep, and generally caring for yourself the way you would a friend going through trauma. Lean on others you can trust. There can't be any back and forth. Either your husband comes clean, gets help to figure out why he risked his marriage and family for whatever the hell he was doing, and recommits to building a life with you, or you need to make it clear that you won't tolerate him having one foot out the door. I can surmise why he cheated -- the trauma of the birth for him too, potentially losing you, can paradoxically make people do incredible stupid things and seek comfort in ways that compound the hurt. Particularly if he's not a particularly emotionally intelligent person who is able to manage his own feelings. But that's for him to figure out. (It is also my reminder that people don't cheat necessarily because they don't love their wives but because they're broken and unable to heal themselves. In any case, you are not alone. You will survive this but you need to make it your priority. Along with your child. There is an army of women who've been where you are and who have found healing and wholeness on the other side of this.
DeleteI am so sorry. A man capable of this is, in my eyes, worth less than dirt under your shoes. He should collect himself and start to be a right person. Being a partner and a father it's the bare minimum.
DeleteDearest.....I am so very sorry to hear of what has happened and is continuing to happen...I am however glad that you found all of us here on this site....hold on dear one.....hold on to what? hold on to YOU. The tough truth is that you need to have your best interest at heart and need to take care of you and your young one. The person you married is not taking care of you, nor your marriage and sounds incapable/disinterested or both...who knows....but he is a mess and caused you trauma and suffering...and the tough part is that you will need to rely on yourself...hopefully you have a support-network...? folks you can reach out to and trust with your situation and feelings...Your husband has lost his privilege of being in your good graces...undoubtedly you still love him and this will create grand confusion....how can the person you love, the person you thought reciprocated these feelings be such a cad? trust me, I took a long time sorting through the wreckage of my marriage and concluded that my wasband is damaged goods, always ready for his next 'fix'...his females get younger and younger and his affairs are anywhere from four years long to four months....we have been separated three years now and will continue to stay apart...he would take me back but then again, he is mentally unstable with his s-e-x addiciton....no way in heck I could take him back...his pattern is lying-lying-lying-secrets-cheating....we are in our early 60's....the shock and painof discovery of his secret life just about crushed me...I learned again how to do things for me, just me and spent a lot of time healing...for now, please take care of YOU, you don't have a second to lose on trying to figure out why he is the way he is, leave that to a therapist...if he ever gets there.....remember YOU matter, YOU are enough, YOU are are the captain of your heart, not him....please try to rest when you can, do calm-breathing for at least five minutes a day...baby-steps....check in again here, let us know how you are?? thinking of you.....
DeleteI just found out on Dec 17th that my husband of 19 years had a one time sexual tryst with a woman he barely knows. He met her in a common area they both work by, exchanged flirty comments for a week and had a quickie in a nearby empty"break" room
DeleteHe had her name and number in his phone and was texting while sitting right next to me and our 18 yr old son..my son saw the text and he was the one to tell me. My world has imploded and I'm totally shattered. My husband is begging me to stay and try counseling but I do t see HOW I can get through this. What a cliche...he was feeling old (turning 50) and this 30 yr old white so easily turned his head. I've never felt this level of rage and grief
I just found this page 3 days ago. I will appreciate the archive of sorts. Thank you Elle
ReplyDeleteI too, would love to see this continue. After almost 2 years from discovery, the pain hits you when you least expect it. Counseling has helped, and our marriage is definitely stronger. Even though our hearts are mending…. just knowing how deeply betrayed we’ve been leaves the heart a bit shattered forever. Focusing on the present moment and the positive changes help immensely. But it’s so nice having you all. We are never really alone. Love to all of you.
ReplyDelete28 years together, my husband has been unfaithful about every 7 years. He is never truly remorseful, as I see it, that I just can't imagine life without him. Once again, we're trying to "work it out". Which means he acts like nothing happened and I'm left picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Happy to have stumbled across this blog. I feel just a little bit less lonely now.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you stumbled on this blog too. The loneliness of betrayal is so painful. But here's the thing, Anonymous: Unless you change the dynamic in your relationship (he cheats, you're hurt, you carry on), this pattern will continue. You need to change what "work it out" means. You need to insist that you will not tolerate him pretending that he hasn't broken your heart. You need to stop letting him hurt you while paying absolutely no price for hurting you. Unless, of course, you're okay with this dynamic (which, honestly, is fine. We each get to live our own lives. But you're here. Which tells me you're not okay with this.) Here's what I would urge you to do: If you don't already have a therapist, please find someone who can help you process this pain and figure out what happened in your life to teach you to settle for the marriage you have. Who taught you that you weren't worth loyalty and respect and kindness and honesty? And then you can begin to heal that old wound which will help you figure out how to set clear boundaries now to make it clear to your husband that those days are over. That you will no longer tolerate a partner who doesn't treat you with honesty and respect and kindness and loyalty. It starts with you. He's not going to change until you make it so uncomfortable for him to carry on. There's the risk that he will leave. But you have to decide if keeping him in the marriage is worth the price you're paying with your heart. You are stronger than you realize. And you deserve so much more than you're being given. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness and loyalty that you deserve from others too. And don't hesitate to share here. The women here have all been where you are. We know the pain. But we also know the healing.
DeleteDear Elle
ReplyDeleteThank you for your work on this site, as others have said, it has been a guiding light for me. Your thoughtful, respectful comments set the tone for the seriously supportive community. It is understandable that you may want/need to change focus as your life evolves. I hope that this site may stay for those who can find themselves in the words of others.
I found out 2.5 years ago that my husband of 32 years had been seeing sex workers near home and around the world for 20 years. He had an AP (who lived with another man) in his hometown for 12 years. He engaged in 2-3 hours of porn a day and had another AP he sexted with. His alcohol consumption increased and increased. I realize now that he was alcoholic since I met him in colllege. I gave up my professional career to care for kids etc since he was away at work so much. I was slowly gaslighted to believe I was a depressed, delusional nothing. I had no idea his problem went deeper than alcoholism, which he did not admit to and would get angry if I brought up.
He completely broke down, gradually told me everything. I was beyond shocked. He quit his drinking, his AP and other vices immediately-I don’t know how, or why he could not have done it sooner. I have since had cancer in situ removed from my lip and my cervix. I may die of this yet. The worst is having a 20 year hole in my life- the time we were raising our 3 kids who are grown and gone now. The second is leaving my home to live as a single married person, which is a very compromised social position. The third is that I sacrificed my career to foster his. I still feel destroyed.
But I am still here. He is very nice, sober and says he wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy. I think about what he did every day. I know I did the best I could in prioritizing my family but I cannot regret so many flexure points that now see I could have/should have/would have made other choices. My younger self would be appalled. I feel I have let her down.
He has apologized many times but does not want to discuss any more as it makes him feel bad. Although I am certainly better from where I was, I became older and sadder, disillusioned with every love song I hear on the radio or see on screen. I hope it works out that way for some people. I believe it did for my parents. It did not turn out that way for me.
So now I finally tell my story here after reading along for 2.5 years. It is good to know one is not along. You may feel your particular grief is the worst that has ever occurred, but you learn that the grief of betrayal comes in endless variations felt profoundly by the one who has been transgressed.
Thank you, Elle, if you ever read this, and very best wishes on your journey
Dearest Elle,
ReplyDeleteI first found this blog 2 years and 1 month ago... And this is my first comment here. I just want to say that I am so very grateful that you wrote so much for us readers. It helped so much and it meant so much to me. Reading here gave me some of my sanity back. Thank you for all the soulful reminders. I don't think words can express how appreciative I am of this site. I'm very sure many others feel the same :')
You are a gem. A really beautiful one in this chaotic world.
Thank you x3000. Sending love.
Dear ladies,
ReplyDeleteI've come across this site while seeking help and support in some demanding times in my life now..
After many years of living alone with a child(now in his teens), I had a good reason and kept myself out of the world of relationship. About a year and a half ago I've met a man, and let myself into a relationship, thinking he's alright..
We did set very strong and concrete rules, that we'd keep, to make sure, in situations that would be problematic or questionable in terms of loyalty, we both could have a proper guidance and not to jeopardize our relationship and love.
Indeed those rules were suggested by him, and I welcomed them with open arms.
Within the over 1 year I've been with this man, he'd broken at least half of those rules - I did keep myself to them - and is expecting me to accept him mansplaining his way out of them.
I can see the pattern now, again, and I know, this is the road slowly leading down to betrayal, cheating, and potentially leaving me feeling broken in heart.
Thank you for this site, and also the contribution of all of you ladies, I'm trying be strong and not let the sorrow and anxiety keep me in this relationship. I know in my mind, that it is most likely disastrous for myself, but also for my son, and my pet dog - for me to keep pursuing a relationship of this kind.
Your support and contribution is highly appreciated, I think, I can write this in the names of many other women too.
Thank you for keeping me strong, and please keep strong too.
With love,
Stella
Thank you for continuing this site. Grief is a process and after a year of “healing” from betrayal, I find myself reverting back to anger. I don’t want to be angry, life is continuing on and it is too beautiful to miss because of selfish choices my husband made. I find strength from the words of others who truly understand.
ReplyDeleteI find myself in the same position as you after a year. Are you still with your husband?
DeleteI thank God I found this site. This is Godsent!
ReplyDeleteI’ve been traveling this road all by myself for exactly a month now. I’ve been bottling these roller-coaster of emotions inside me. I have not told anyone, I don’t want to.
We have a total of 21 years together. Dating for 7yrs and married for 14. Recently, my husband works overseas. He was in vacation last Oct 2022. But it was only last Dec 9, 2022 (a day before his flight back to work) that I accidentally found out about his infidelity. When I opened his luggage to get the paper he asked I saw a male supplement. I was shocked and thought why would he need such thing in his workplace. Instinctively, I went to our room and went through his charged phone. I’ve read one sms and it lead me to Whatsapp. He hid the app in one of the folders. There were series of convo from Sweet Wife and I found out they had been on since Nov 2021. The convo were flirtatious. He wrote her love quotes, sweet nothings, etc. My husband greeted her “Happy First Anniversary on Nov 2022 (while he was with me during his vacation). He tells her everything he does while on vacay. They texted several times daily. They counted the days when vacay is over. I confronted him when he came to the room and he just laughed at me, told me it was just a fling nothing more and I shouldn’t have gone through his cellphone. He went out of the room with his phone as if nothing happened. I was left numb. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to shout or cry but I just froze. The following morning, I gathered all my thoughts and found the words I wanted to say. We had a huge fight. He showed me the phone and said nothing was there, of course he had deleted their convo. He said he was sorry and will breakup with her. I would have slightly understood if she was prettier, sexier or way more than me but she was the complete opposite.
While already at work, he said he will end things with but he needs time. I wrote him a lengthy email of the things I had to say and told him he is not in the position to bargain I won’t give him the luxury of time. Two hours later, he sent me a screenshot of how he ended things with her. He said he has already cleaned up his mess and he was sorry.
He calls and dms everyday as if nothing happened. When I ask him about her he would just say he couldn’t remember and had already forgotten everything about her. How unfair? How could he do that easily when I struggle to digest & process everything. How could I unsee her face, unsee their convos and unknow everything? If I choose to work things out, I don’t know if I can look him in the eye and unsee her or if I can sleep with him not thinking of them together. I get nightmares every night. I hate him &I hate myself for trusting him too much, for not leaving a room for doubt, for not finding it out sooner. A part of my 2021 and my whole 2022 was a lie. How could I not know? How could I allowed it to last that long? How could I been so clueless? I am in rage every time I think of the betrayal and might explode anytime now.
I feel a little lighter reading all your journeys here knowing that I am not alone. I hope we all heal in time.
I am so very sorry for you. You must feel devastated. I want you to know what he did has nothing to do with you. I am almost 1 year out from D day on January 27, 2022. I too was completely broken when I found out about my husband’s affair. I was in complete shock. I had given my whole self to him for 19 years. I gave him my heart and he crushed it into a million little pieces. I always said an affair would be a dealbreaker, but here I am. I knew immediately I wanted it to work. He was so remorseful and immediately ended it and blocked the women’s number and social media accounts. I myself got therapy. I needed a person to talk to without any judgement. I only told one close friend about 6 months after D day. I focused on my happiness and wellness. As women, we always put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. I started doing things for myself. I found yoga and it really helped me heal. I was shocked at how much strength I had. I now know that if it happens again I will be ok. I promise you that you are also very strong. Whatever you decide to do please know that you are an amazing, strong women. You will be ok. Wishing you peace, happiness and lots of love in the future. Stay strong you got this!!
DeleteI see some of these posts are rather recent, thankfully. I’m struggling something fierce to move forward. It’s been 366 days since I caught him. It has been a nightmare, the triggers the reality of what our future looks like, I’m struggling to know if I can maintain a future with him. I thought I knew him. I knew nothing, apparently at all. 10 years just destroyed. I always thought cheating was a deal breaker hell part of me still thinks it might be because I have no idea how to move forward past this. He made me out to be a monster, he says now that he never had any feelings for her, he just liked the attention (I saw some of the words exchanged he told her he loved her) but what do I know he told that to me for ten years and obviously he’s a master at lying. Which shows me I never really knew him and I question everything now. He says what did we really ever had and then when I agree because I too wonder at this point (it was so easy for him to throw it away) he gets upset. But I cant lie honestly I question if this is really the first time and I doubt it. My trust in him is nil. He swore he told me everything for that to blow up in my face less than 4 months later. It was a disaster and I’m so angry at him part of me really hates him. Not to mention being intimate is a struggle, I struggle with the desire to look at him let alone touch him. The rage is so intense. I can’t stand either of them half the time her for helping him ruin our family and him for being stupid enough to break massive boundaries. My entire pregnancy was stressed beyond belief (yeah that happen he was sleeping with me while cheating) I got pregnant and we’ll let’s just say the stress I had on top of the surmounting shit he through at me. What a joke. I know he doesn’t deserve me. Maybe he could but how can someone lie so perfectly so mastered I had no idea. Then I have to figure out how to trust him which let’s be real is next to impossible when he can look me dead in the face swear promise on our relationship and lie more. Is it even possible for him to change. What happen to morals and being faithful. What happen to respect grrr
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am going crazy. We’ve been married for 27 years. We knew each other since we were 13 and 14. Even though he’s been drinking, sometimes heavily, I stay in the marriage thinking he’ll change one day and everything would be all right. Before the holidays, he confessed to me that he was unfaithful because he thought I was unfaithful. Even though he gave me all the reasons to cheat on him, I never did. My question is: How to deal with this? I really don’t know, and I am a Christian meaning I don’t believe in divorce, and I am suffering a lot. He doesn’t want to talk about it or to do what I asked him to do through a family meeting(us and the kids, ages 22, 18, and 16 ) we had. Please, Anything would help!
Thank you!
Dear Anonymous
DeleteYou have been waiting 27 years for him to change? He isn't going to change. You must face that. Whether you believe in divorce or not, you have nothing to work with there. It is not even a marriage, it's just a convenience to him. I'm sorry, but the reality is that he has shown absolutely no intention of stopping this behavior.There is no viable option other than leaving him. If you continue to suffer this way it will destroy both your mental and physical health from the stress.
I've been where you are. He drank, he cheated, but in my case he promised to change. He stopped drinking and went into therapy, but continued to treat me badly. The drinking isn't what makes them that way, it's just who they are. Some people are just no good. I left him and now the peace in my life is such a relief. Please don't continue to suffer like this. Salvage what's left of your life and be free from pain. Godspeed.
Dear Anonymous from Jan.08 2023 -- I am so sorry for what has brought you to this site, we all welcome you with big hugs! First off, please seek out AlAnon meetings for yourself. It is a process, so give it time....go to lots of meetings and you will learn useful tools for keeping your sanity. Your husband sees no need to change, why should he? Everything is going the way he wants, or doesn't want, but he thinks his life is fine the way it is. Alcoholics are in denial, even after they go to AA...a lot of them struggle with the disease of alcoholism. Maybe he isn't an alcoholic, but your life has been negatively by his drinking hence you need to find a safe space for yourself such as AlAnon. You don't believe in divorce, yet your husband doesn't seem to believe in your marriage. His excuse for having an affair is beyond lame. It is insulting. He does not really believe he thought you were cheating. He should have talked to you about his feelings if he were invested in you and the marriage. He is gaslighting, making you the problem for him having an affair. Shame on his weak character. Him not wanting to discuss his affair has put your relationship at an impasse. So where does that leave you? What exactly is this marriage you are in? Perhaps he could move out for a while. Or he ends up sleeping in another room. This is a devastating and uncomfortable time and I think that the only way anything is going to change will be based on you. Things cannot stay the way they are. Which means change is necessary. There is no magic wand that will make your husband see the light of day, change his ways, make amends and re-invest himself in your marriage. Oh how I wished for that magic wand when three years ago I discovered my husband's secret life. What I learned was that I couldn't fix what was broken, broken by my husband...our marriage was smashed to smithereens...but I could work on myself, my well-being, my need to thrive not just survive....it has taken a lot of sustained hard work and I have learned valuable things about myself that I hadn't realized prior my discovery of cheating-husband...we are still separated...I let go of the need to 'save my marriage' and saved myself instead...I chose saving me first and foremost and have no regrets....this is my two cents....take what resonates and run with it....I wish you well.....
ReplyDeleteI don't know where to post this but I am three years post-affair and feel the same way as this article. I know it doesn't happen for everyone. Believe me, I thought infidelity would be a dealbreaker but here I am, still in my marriage trying to find out who I am. We both admit that our three children definitely played a role in trying to work it out initially but it was really the love we had for one another (funny to say when there isn't love at the time when an affair happens...the flame was almost out) but you don't realize that at the time when it's all gaslighting, deception and lies. Anyway, it gets better. It's not an easy road but neither is divorce. https://www.thegirlfriend.com/relationships/can-your-marriage-survive-an-affair
ReplyDeleteI found this sight about 2 years ago. At that time, I was about 6 months into healing. I have to say Elle, your common sense and brutal honesty helped me immensely. I read through everything and felt understood. Even though it’s a kinship none of us wanted, I’m glad it exists. I’m definitely not fully healed, but I’m on the road to recovery. So, I understand Elle, that life has evolved for you, and that’s amazing, you’re amazing. But I do hope you keep this site up, even if you close comments. It really is helpful. So thank you Elle, and every other human on here. You have all helped me on my road. And helped me to see that everyone goes through it differently, and that’s ok. We’re all just trying our best. And it was good to hear that on days that my best was just getting out of bed and moving to the couch, that was good enough. Much love to you all.
ReplyDeleteElle, I found your site 3ish years ago. I’m not sure I would have made it through some of the early days if not for reading your posts. At times if felt like you were the only person who understood. This site is such a raw and honest gift to us women who have been betrayed. Even if in-person friends know my story, they don’t understand. Please don’t shut down the site. I still come here periodically still to read a post or two depending.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand if you have moved through this chapter in your life though. That makes sense to me.
Much love,
k
I was cheated on by my husband ( we’ve been together for 28 years) - he cheated on me for almost 2 years , when my kids were little and I decided to stay- mainly coz I didn’t want my kids to face their parent’s divorce . I’m on this blog today, 8 hrs after D day and I had a trigger this morning and I came upon this blog ( so thankful for it)- and as I’m reading through some of these posts, I want to share a book that I’m listening to called ‘ Daughter detox’ - I didn’t know that I am allowing my husband to do things to me that my mom did to me ( psychologically speaking). I love the self love and compassion approach and im learning it still but that’s where I’m at. I highly recommend this book to you if u have had a Rocky mother daughter relationship and are having trouble with your marriage and can’t seem to see through things.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong ladies - every one of you- or rather every one of us.
I too, just found this site and I will take comfort in reading the posts and comments. It has been 3 months since I found out and I feel so stuck. I dread my own life - which is just so devastating. 22 years married with 3 amazing kids. He still loves me and wants to stay together. I don’t know how I will ever be able to accept this enough to stay but I also can’t imagine blowing our life together apart. Knowing that others have felt the same ‘bring you to your knees’ feeling is comforting. I am continue to punish myself over and over by imagining, in detail, their times together. Absolutely sickening. ‘Secret sisters’. I hate that I have become one of you but I am glad to not be alone. I have only told 3 people - no one in my family and not even my best friends. Sigh….
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