I noticed this one year ago, when one of our secret sisters posted these words on Valentine's Day:
"Being in the time after he cheated makes me feel unsafe with my heart."
I felt those words in my own heart. I felt them when I read her words because I felt them then. I remember well feeling "unsafe." And of course I felt unsafe — I was unsafe. My husband had made clear to me that my heart wasn't safe with him, it hadn't been safe with him. The person I'd trusted most to keep my heart safe had betrayed that trust.
But ... maybe that's the problem. The person I'd trusted most. Those were the words I just wrote. The person I trusted most to keep my heart safe.
Why wasn't I the person I trusted most to keep my heart safe? Why had I outsourced the single most important job any of us have. To safeguard our own hearts. To keep them safe. And safe from what? Not from hurt. Hurt is simply part of the tangle of emotions we will all experience.
No, our job is to not betray ourselves. To remember who we are. To never let someone else convince us to abandon our principles, what we know to be right, what we know to be true.
Betrayal catapults so many of us into confusion. Reality itself seems arbitrary. So I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy. I lost myself in the maelstrom after D-Day. But our goal must be to find our way back, to reorient ourselves.
We do that with support. As best you can, surround yourself with those who can help you reorient. A therapist, if you can afford one. A clergy person, if you have access to one that doesn't prioritize the institution of marriage over the people in it, that doesn't value men over women. A wise and trusted friend or sibling or parent.
We sometimes find that support within the pages of a book — whether fiction or self-help. I took deep comfort (and a roadmap) from many books when I felt so lost. Indeed, I wrote a book to guide others to a healthy place beyond betrayal.
It was the hardest work I've ever done — reorienting myself, finding that safety within my own heart. In part, the challenge came from having never completed that work before he cheated on me. Those of us who've struggled with trauma, dysfunctional families, betrayal by others have even more work to do because we have further to go toward healing. But it's worth it. I promise you, it's worth it. On the other side of all of this pain and work of healing is a heart — your own — that offers safety.
