I noticed this one year ago, when one of our secret sisters posted these words on Valentine's Day:
"Being in the time after he cheated makes me feel unsafe with my heart."
I felt those words in my own heart. I felt them when I read her words because I felt them then. I remember well feeling "unsafe." And of course I felt unsafe — I was unsafe. My husband had made clear to me that my heart wasn't safe with him, it hadn't been safe with him. The person I'd trusted most to keep my heart safe had betrayed that trust.
But ... maybe that's the problem. The person I'd trusted most. Those were the words I just wrote. The person I trusted most to keep my heart safe.
Why wasn't I the person I trusted most to keep my heart safe? Why had I outsourced the single most important job any of us have. To safeguard our own hearts. To keep them safe. And safe from what? Not from hurt. Hurt is simply part of the tangle of emotions we will all experience.
No, our job is to not betray ourselves. To remember who we are. To never let someone else convince us to abandon our principles, what we know to be right, what we know to be true.
Betrayal catapults so many of us into confusion. Reality itself seems arbitrary. So I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy. I lost myself in the maelstrom after D-Day. But our goal must be to find our way back, to reorient ourselves.
We do that with support. As best you can, surround yourself with those who can help you reorient. A therapist, if you can afford one. A clergy person, if you have access to one that doesn't prioritize the institution of marriage over the people in it, that doesn't value men over women. A wise and trusted friend or sibling or parent.
We sometimes find that support within the pages of a book — whether fiction or self-help. I took deep comfort (and a roadmap) from many books when I felt so lost. Indeed, I wrote a book to guide others to a healthy place beyond betrayal.
It was the hardest work I've ever done — reorienting myself, finding that safety within my own heart. In part, the challenge came from having never completed that work before he cheated on me. Those of us who've struggled with trauma, dysfunctional families, betrayal by others have even more work to do because we have further to go toward healing. But it's worth it. I promise you, it's worth it. On the other side of all of this pain and work of healing is a heart — your own — that offers safety.
Thanks Elle. I have been reading all the posts for a few years after so many D-days, the last being Jan 19. I moved out my things and left the children with him as I work outside the country. For the first time in 10 years, I told my family and they have been so supportive. I think I'm done this time.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst, I am so glad to hear you have the support of your family. And I am sending you all the best wishes in the world as you navigate this next chapter -- without him. "So many D-Days" is your cue to move on without him. You're going to be great!
DeleteMy valentines card had a hand written note that said, “I hope you know how much I love you”. It has been 5.5 years since my Dday. My first thought when I read the words, were, “do you really? He told the OW that he loved her during his year long affair. It’s hard to taken those words at face value. During my recovery, I have learned to love myself and am proud of the person that I have become. I entrust my heart to myself and if my husband loves me then I will embrace that love, but if it should end, then I will be content with the love I have for myself. My happiness and well being is my number one priority. I will never allow him to take my joy again. God bless.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a wise approach, Anonymous. One of the gifts of betrayal (I know ... ugh) was that it forced me to learn how to be kind to myself, how to love myself, and how to trust myself.
DeleteThis post was a gift to me today, Elle. I have found comfort in many of the posts here, this one especially. I am struggling. Finding yourself doubting your own intuition is a hard spot. And pushing that thought down, while it keeps creeping up for air is wearing my heart out. But these words today are helping me find strength to confront what I know to be true. There is more for my husband to tell me. Thank you Elle, and everyone on here. Your words are a true comfort, a strength, and a compass. Leading me back to the confident human I once was and will be again.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent post by Elle, thank-you so much! I am 4 1/2 years post D-Day, permanently separated from H since that day, my choice. (His choice too since he didn't fight for our marriage, fight for me...he continued to chase females). I have learned very valuable things about myself, namely diving deep and looking at the fear of abandonment. I have resurfaced from this dive and was at first terrified at the thought of trusting my heart with another. But now I realize that I also can't be bothered, I really don't have time to waste 'getting to know someone' and committing myself. I just can't care about what your favourite food is and where you like to go hiking. Or whatever. How could I meet someone without always thinking of stranger-danger/hidden agendas/deceit? I really think for me it is not possible. H abused my trust and heart in every which way. He really did a number on me. I do however I work at staying open and trusting the Universe for Life to unfold as it will, so I do my daily yoga and meditations which are key to my life. Maybe a platonic friend/companion of sorts will appear and we will have meaningful shared interests. But falling in love again? Yikes. I am saddened that I will be alone in this way but forge ahead with being my own best company. I look back at my eight-year old self and all her great strengths. I never ever dreamed of the 'wedding-day', I thought getting married was an unnecessary Life choice. I felt that way into my mid-40's until I met someone that I ended up marrying. I took the plunge. A sweet ride at first that eventually spiraled downwards into a nightmare. They say we can't choose whom we fall in love with. Karma. And I have learned a lot since D-Day. I think of my future 80-year old self and in her wisdom, of what she would advise me to do. She would say keep at your Spiritual Life, (also always take good care of your health) and everything else will naturally fall into place. She would also tell me to gear-back to the 8-yr-old and forge a new path of creativity and freedom. :-)
ReplyDeleteZinderella, I’m sorry that you have given up on ever loving again or being loved. 4 1/2 years might still not be enough time for you to move forward. I’m sorry that you feel he did not fight for your marriage or fight for you. He is a coward and a selfish human being and in time you will thank him for leaving that day. It’s been 5 1/2 years since my D-day and many nights I hoped that he would die. At the time, I felt that being a widow would be so much better than being the women whose husband left her for another women. My feelings for him changed from thinking he was a gift from God to simply disgust. The deep love and devotion that once occupied my heart no longer resides in my heart. He made a choice to cheat, that was intentional. It takes planning, to have an affair, it just doesn’t happen. You did nothing wrong, Keep your spiritual life. When the time is right for you. God will restore your faith in love and in time your heart will heal. This time around we will guard our heart and never allow it to be shattered into a million pieces again. It takes time to get there. I am slowly getting there you will too.
DeleteThankyou Anonymous from April 26 2024 for your kind words. Yes, it saddens me to think I will never find a true reciprocal love, so I continue to let go of what has happened and allow Life to flow in an expansive way. I too thought it would be easier to be a widow than to be cheated on. For a while, a coping mechanism of mine was to pretend he was dead. Our marriage was dead and the shining naive love I had for him was burned to ashes and became dead. These selfish cruel cowards can be kicked to the curb but the damage they have done is massive!! and it's up to us to sort ourselves out. I wish you well on your healing path and am grateful for your kind support. Thank-you for being here :-) Slowly we rebuild ourselves :-)
Deleteeven after all this time, the sun never says to the moon, 'you owe me.'
ReplyDeleteThanks for your continued posts, Elle. Again, spot-on and a comfort, too.
ReplyDeleteAs host of my podcast about infidelity I often hear stories such as yours and I am humbled by the transparency and candor of the women and men who share their feelings. If you would like to anonymously appear on Cheating: When Love Lies please DM me on IG @cheatingwhenlovelies. My guest find is very cathartic and love that they are helping other betrayed partners.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been 10 years since my husband confessed that he’d cheated repeatedly. I stayed for my family mostly. Since then, he’s been faithful and attentive and he seems to adore me. Sex is great. He’s a hard worker and a great provider, though I also make a great living and could easily live on my own. It’s been a hard ten years, because I feel our marriage was a lie. We now have a great, prosperous life and a bunch of wonderful grandkids. Life is good. I respect him, but I don’t love him the way I want to, and I’m sad at the thought of living the rest of my life without the kind of romantic love I need. I love him as the father of my kids and my partner in life, but not like a woman wants to love a man. I’m settling, I know, but the trade off is worth it, keeping our family together. My parents were divorced and nearly 40 years later, I know life would’ve been better for everyone if they’d stayed together. They know it, too. My family means more to me than the romance I crave, but I desperately pray God will restore my heart. I’d appreciate hearing perspectives from those ten years out, or more. Does the love come back?
ReplyDeleteDear Anon.....I am happy to hear you are positive and doing well :-) I am however sorry for what you discovered, went through, endured......your honest post here is touching and you pose a very good question. The romantic love is usually at the beginning of a relationship, and yes, it can last and last if both partners wish for it to. Each day is brand new, embrace the fulness of it. But remember, in early days of all relationships, there is (usually) a innocence, a trusting, a vulnerability...and when discovery-day happens, all of us here on this site have all of that smashed to bits. The innocence can never be regained. That delightful feeling of being-in-love turns to pulverized bits. Our hearts are shattered. To stay or not-to-stay is a personal choice, but I always advocate for us here, to calm the nervous system, rebuild our heart, and to take care of ourselves first (not the marriage). You seem to be looking sideways at your husband and this may be as good as it gets. Go to your future-self....your kids have moved out and your are home-alone with your husband. So far everything has worked out for HIM. Holy moly he is one lucky guy. But are things working out for you? SO many couples stay together because they grew up in a divorced household. So many couples stay together for the kids, and divorce once the kids move out. Your heart knows what the mind does not. If you feel contraction in your heart when you think of your husband and possible romance, there is your answer. I am permanently 5 years separated from wasband and am much better for it. No kids. But what I do know, is the heart will tell you. Please sit quietly, listen, look ahead and live fully. This is your one precious Life :-)
DeleteHello Anonymous, I will remain anonymous also. My D-Day was June 14, 2014. I could have written your post almost verbatim however we are retired. The "magic" as you will, left my heart and marriage when he confessed to me about his years of paying for sex. Although he did stop and change with a lot of work I never wanted my children to know about their father. As the child of divorce I know if affected me throughout my life and I wanted my kids to have something to hold on to. I also miss the kind of romantic love I thought I had. I now see him as who he was all along, a flawed, damaged, traumatized child/man who had lousy coping skills and a very very poor example of marriage in his own parents who openly cheated on each other. We have a new life now, in a new state and do a lot of things together. We have new friends and I force myself to be social on a regular basis because it is good for my mental health to be around other couples. I am pretty happy in my life even if I don't have the warm fuzzy feelings for my husband that I had until that fateful morning when he told me he wanted to talk to me. I try to appreciate all the things he does to make our lives better almost daily and I am quicker to compliment him and be thankful. In turn, he does the same to me which is very different that it used to be. I don't believe in a god so I'm not praying for anything including the love I felt to return. I am content to have a full life, relatively good health, financial security and three adult kids in solid marriages and six grand kids whom I adore. I am making new friends and doing a lot of things I like to do whether he joins me or not. I wish you well.
DeleteWell, they say once a cheater always a cheater. My Dday was Nov 2018. The reconciliation and the condition for staying in the marriage were, first and foremost to cut all ties with the mistress and be honest and transparent. Simple right? Fast forward to May of this year. I discovered a text that my husband had initiated to his mistress at an event that they were both attending. Come to find out he also took her and another member to dinner. When confronted he was very angry that I had snooped. Didn’t come clean until weeks later and now is begging for another chance. Because there was no physical contact according to him, he does not believe that he did anything to jeopardize the marriage like the first time when he had an affair for a year. I don’t believe that he ever cut all ties with his mistress, if he did, he has since rekindled the friendship, she has since married. I’m not devastated like I was 5 1/2 years ago. I worked on the marriage and on myself and am confident that I did everything that I could to ensure that my husband was happy. But that wasn’t enough he still needed this woman in his life. If you give your all and adhere to the boundaries that were set, and he doesn’t than you are not important to him, your marriage is not important to him. They lie they delete text messages and email and when caught, they now are ready to turn over that new leaf of honesty. Promise you the world. But it’s to late. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Ladies we matter, God loves his children. I give my life to God, so I know I will be okay. God bless
ReplyDelete8 years post D day. I don't visit this site as often and feel joy again, but some days are still hard. Today, a movie triggered me and the pain felt raw again. I am so thankful this site is still active even with less frequent posts. It has helped me more than all of the counseling I have received. I still find comfort in the community of this safe place. Carrying some of these emotions is so lonely years out and with no helpful outcome sharing them with even those closest to you. Thank you, Elle.
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