It sometimes feels like we are all forever putting ourselves back together, but I have only ever felt stronger for doing it. It seems to me our griefs are the very things that keep us within the world as active participants in its story, making us more effective and ultimately more joyful, despite, or perhaps because of, our breaking down.
~Nick Cave, The Red Hand Files
It has been a very long since I was where so many of you are. Reeling from the discovery of a partner's affair, or lying awake wondering if he's still cheating, or gaming out what life will look like if you stay or if you go.
And yet, the pain can still surprise me — a sudden pang when my husband doesn't answer his cell phone, or an ache that settles in my chest watching a TV show in which a wife is betrayed, or a quickening heart when one of the young people in my life confide that they don't understand why their partner broke up with them. And I think but don't say, "I do. I know. I heard the way she talked about her new lab mate."
"It sometimes feels like we are all forever putting ourselves back together," writes the always wise Nick Cave. And I know we all imagine a time when we are whole again, when the pain is entirely behind us.
Cave is writing to a reader about grief following the death of someone loved but grief is grief. And there is absolutely no question in my mind that betrayal leaves us grieving. Betrayal is loss. Whether or not the person remains in your life. We lose the person we thought we were married to. We lose the blissful ignorance of our wedding vows (or, if you're unmarried, of the belief that you both were similarly committed to monogamy). We lose the smugness that, somehow, our marriage would beat the odds — that it would remain unmarked by infidelity.
If we're not careful, we lose ourselves. At least, until we find ourselves again.
But though it might seem to be bad news that "we are forever putting ourselves back together again", I am here — 15 years after my own D-Day — to tell you that pain is pain is pain. And if you can accept that, if you can acknowledge that we all go through pain in this life, it might both make you feel less lonely and more empathetic, to both your own and others' suffering. And pay attention too to the rest of what Cave says: "I have only ever felt stronger for doing it." None of us would ever choose this. And I'm not someone who embraces suffering because I think it's 'good for me'. (Insert eyeroll.) But this pain is yours right now and though I'm not sure it's making you stronger, I do believe it is revealing to you the strength that was always yours.
And I believe this too: When the pain is mostly behind you, when you are only occasionally surprised by it, you will know also joy that tastes all the sweeter. If you have healed well — with self-respect and time and a soft heart — you will savour any morsels of joy all the more for having felt such deep pain.
It has been a long time since I've posted here. But know this, too, my secret sisters: I think of you often. It remains an incredible privilege to have been trusted with so many of your hearts. And if this site does just one thing, I hope it is this: To remind you every single day that you are not alone and that you will get through this.
Thank-you so much Elle, for your wonderful supportive message!! indeed, grief is grief, pain is pain. Horrible. Not a choice, but something shoved onto us, into us. What I went through emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically (after D-Day) rendered me nearly useless in my own life. I am three 1/2 years post D-Day and finally have energy to do things I like to do, I can have a laugh with friends, I go places without being constantly haunted with memories, though at times I am haunted...I have yet to feel any joy but I work on compassion and forgiveness for myself. Being at peace and feeling content are my goals. It is possible to re-build one's life and this takes time and patience. For me, Year 3 was the Great Sadness, a lengthy stage of my grieving. Do I wish I never married the lying cheating jerk? Yep. But then again, we had our karma to work through and I have learned valuable things about myself that would otherwise have remained hidden and unprocessed were it not for D-Day. Babies have teething pain. We adults get constant growing-pains! Never again will I be smug-in-love. But I work on keeping my heart gentle and soft, I keep bitter + skepticism at bay while I move onwards and upwards in my new life. Thank-goodness for this safe-space to share, thank-you everyone for supporting each other and giving hope!
ReplyDeleteGood point about the smugness. It's a humbling experience, and there are good aspects to that, like never taking anything for granted and being grateful for whatever happiness we can squeeze out of life. I also no longer waste my time trying to fix people. It was grandiose of me to think I could, and this realization brought me down to earth. I try to focus on the lessons learned rather than what I lost. The best part of it is living free from the cheater's cruelty. The peace gained is priceless.
DeleteMe and my husband have been together going on 13 years have 4 kids and six months ago he cheated with a coworker we reconciled but I think as each day passes by it gets harder and harder to move on I am not happy I am miserable and I want to make it work for my kids but I feel like I’m only hurting myself more I feel dead inside nothing brings me joy but my kids seem happy so should I stay for my kids sake or walk away
ReplyDeleteThen you have your answer. This relationship is hurting you, so why continue? Long term, it does not benefit your kids to see you so beaten down. In fact, the lesson they get from it is to settle for less than they deserve. You don't want that kind of future for them. Further, you certainly have no guarantee your spouse won't leave you for an affair partner anyway. He has already demonstrated how little he cares for your feelings and for the family unit. Your feelings are completely normal and rational for the situation you are in.
DeleteAnonymous, Betrayal is one of the most excruciating experiences. It is like a primal wound that, for so many of us, has us questioning our value (particularly if we bring trauma/pain into the marriage from earlier experiences). Six months feels like a long time because every day is a struggle but, in terms of healing, it is still so new. I hope you're taking steps to help you heal — a therapist who can help you process this pain, time without caring for the kids (even a bit of time each day) when you can reconnect with yourself, do something that fills you up, write in a journal or whatever reminds you that you have value, that you didn't deserve this, that you will find joy again. I'm not saying stay or go -- but I am saying that six months isn't necessarily the best time to be making crucial decisions. While you are tending to yourself, you will see whether or not your husband is willing to do the hard work of repairing the damage he's caused, which can also impact your choice. Either way, you will get through this. You will find joy again. But you must make room for it by tending to your pain.
DeleteI haven’t been back to this site for a while, I can’t tell you how much it has helped me refocus knowing I am not alone in this. I know I have posted before and your reply Ellie was that I was enough I was always enough. Just those few words have stuck with me. I now truly believe them ( it took me a while) and it’s something I tell myself most days especially if it’s hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be the person I was before this all happened and that’s okay as I want to be more,live more, love more, I do see things differently and have a new perspective and appreciation for things. I agree grief is grief you don’t have to loose someone ( which I have) to feel the loss and I have felt it too and continue to for what I thought I had. However I look to the future with hope knowing whatever happens ( we are still working through a lot of stuff especially now my husband is finally in therapy which has also been a challenge ) I’m going to be okay in the end because I’m me x
ReplyDeleteI was so surprised to see this new posting Elle. Pleasantly surprised! Your writing and the comments from readers have sustained me through the darkest days of my life. I am now almost 2 years from confrontation day. My husband and I continue our therapy and he is deeply remorseful for his actions. I am trying everyday to envelop the pain with the happiness and joy of daily life. I have come far, there is no denying, but I will never be that whole person again, ever. I mourn for that all too often.
ReplyDeleteThank you for articulating in writing what many of us feel and cannot verbalize. I have the Math-Science brain that is lacking in the writing skills!
"And there is absolutely no question in my mind that betrayal leaves us grieving. Betrayal is loss. Whether or not the person remains in your life."
ReplyDeleteIt hurts less if the person who caused your pain is not looking at you over the breakfast table every morning, when you don't have to make yourself vulnerable to somebody you know is capable of hurting you in the most intimate and humiliating of ways. You no longer have to live in fear of it happening again, because no matter what you tell yourself,
full trust cannot possibly be regained. It would be nice to think it could, but human beings have a built in risk assessment system and emotional response to situations in which there is a risk of overwhelming pain. You can fool your conscious mind, but your subconscious still knows. The pangs are there many years after because the source of your fear and pain is always there. People who leave relationships in which the risk of heartbreak is heightened are unlikely to continue be triggered fifteen years later. If one makes a choice to live with the risk, I'm sorry to say that one can expect to be triggered for the entire length of the relationship.
Some might say that risk exists within any relationship, and that's absolutely true. However, a relationship which has not caused you this level of pain in the past will naturally be perceived by your brain as low risk. Hence you will not be living in fear. That doesn't mean you are safe, because you can never really know what another person is capable of, it just means you have a perception of safety.
I just found out yesterday that my husband of 9 years (we’ve been together 18 years), cheated. I was out of town for 1 night with our 2 small children at his mom’s house. He had friends over and a couple that he knew from high school. He and the female from the couple snuck into our basement when everyone else was outside and started kissing then went into the bathroom for 15 minutes. I only know this because we have cameras in the house and I was uncomfortable about this couple being over. He says he remembers nothing because he was drunk. He seems sorry, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t forgive him when I don’t know what happened and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know if this is useless to put on here. I just can’t talk to my family or friends about this and don’t know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe for one second that he can not remember what he has done.
DeleteI found out in February 1 and my husband of 22 years has been in a relationship with a woman for a year and it has broken me to every single part of my body in my brain. I don’t know how to comprehend I have been fights he’s violent he doesn’t seem sorry, but he doesn’t want to separate. The woman is Has a very bad reputation for some reason I think he loves her. I have that got feeling and I don’t know what to do about it even though he says he doesn’t know if anybody I feel broken I don’t trust what he says he was the only person in the planet, that I trusted , I feel alone we have three little girls and I don’t know what to do I swear to God I feel I’m crazy. He tells me all the time it’s crazy I’m crazy. I asked him if it was a Physical. He said no I have my doubts. I think the kissing is done and over with their son of messages, he doesn’t talk to her anymore, but I saw him throughout summer a couple of times with her videos, but he denied it. I swear to God I am broken we have you and we have said things he’s never said that he was sorry he said that he’s sorry that I read all the messages that those Medisys messages or nothing but I don’t believe it. I’m not sure if I’m crazy , has anybody been in the same situation when you have 5300 messages this says that he has no relations with her am I crazy? She tells me repeatedly that I am.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous from 4.17.2023; I am so sorry to hear of what has happened, of what has brought you to this site but I am glad you found us. It is worthwhile for you to be here, take your time and read through the many stories. It is sad and shocking that there are SO many stories here but it is heartening that we have a safe and supportive group here. Your husband has his reasons for cheating and until his reasons are brought to light, the onus is not on you for forgiving him. This was not his first rodeo in being drunk, right? does he have a history of being drunk and 'forgetting' his actions, any actions? If he becomes so drunk that he does not remember, he could be a 'blackout drunk' and AA would be a good start for him. Having an open and honest conversation with him could prove tricky, perhaps a counselor can help the two of you navigate. He has breached the trust of your marriage, and this may be his first time cheating, or not. If he wants to be with YOU and have a solid marriage, then he should be open to counseling. If he fights you on seeking outside assistance, bleats that it was a one-off, claims that it 'just happened' then these are red flags. He 'seems' sorry. Is he moping around? Or does he look you in the eye, apologize and say he will do whatever it takes to make the situation right. He may apologize every day for a month, but is he making efforts to be with you, to reassure you that he was a jerk and will spend meaninful time with you. One fancy dinner out will not cut it. As painful as it is, discovering what his interest is in your marriage, and in YOU are key to moving through this. If he does not wish to seek positive change for his drinking/cheating (hey, his life is working great for HIM, right??) then there is your answer. I find that cheaters, in general tend to 'forget', but they know exactly what happened when where and who with. Some married couples look the other way and dismiss drunk-cheating as a 'mistake' and stay together. But are they happy? Do they trust each other? Do they feed each other's souls? Or does skepticism creep in and toxify the well of love and trust that you share as a bond. If nothing changes, then nothing will change. By looking the other way, you would be accepting his actions which leaves the door wide open for more of his bad behavior. It can be terrifying to look at one's marriage under a cold bright light, especially since you have a family with children. Your husband should be willing to turn over his phone to you, and his emails. If he refuses and squawks that 'how dare you not trust him', this would be classic gaslighting and further evidence that he is hiding his cheating. And here comes the icky part, both of you need to get full blood work-up for STD's. Yup. Immediately. And not all diseases are revealed through the blood-work. Some STD's lay dormant for a long time. Discovery-Day for me was nothing short of earth-shattering. I truly hope this was a one-off. After D-Day for me, I discovered more and more and more about H's secret life....a revolving door of emotional-sexual affairs, online porn, lap-dancers, gambling, hookers I am sure....he wouldn't admit to one rotten thing, even when I presented evidence that came my way...when he and I were together as what I thought was a happy married couple, something over the years started to feel 'off'; I gave him opportunity after opportunity to share what he was going through when he seemed 'stressed' or 'off' or 'unavailable' and he just lied and lied and lied. Yes we are permanently separated , I decided that my well-being was more important than a shell-of-a-marriage. But I don't have kids. My heart goes out to the women with children. Maybe a bucket of cold water splashed on your guy's head will help him wake up ;-) Take whatever resonates from my two cents, let us know how you are....Wishing for you brighter days :-)
ReplyDeleteMy D day was 14 months ago - married 22 years. I (53) was looking at my husband’s (59) phone and saw that he was following hundreds of sexy girls on TikTok. Well the girls on TikTok were just the beginning. Then I found out he had been masturbating to porn all of these years and preferred the young women he found there to being with me. I had literally begged him to be intimate with me during our marriage and he would always say he was tired. We had an issue with porn the first year of our marriage and I left him when I discovered it. I strongly believe that porn is cheating the way he used it (secretly and for his own pleasure - not in any way enhancing our relationship) and let him know that. He brought me back promising he would not go back to porn. Over all these years when I asked him if he was watching porn he would lie and lie and lie. I would ask if he was gay or had ED just because we literally never had sex. In any event, after the TikTok thing he said he now saw the error of his ways and stopped visiting PornHub and started therapy. He also became very intimate with me for the next several months and planned activities to try and build a new connection between us, but I always wondered if there was more infidelity. He finally admitted (when I asked for a polygraph) that he had hired a prostitute once but claims that he didn’t actually have sex with her. I know I am stupidly naive but even I find that hard to believe, and I’m not even sure it was just once many years ago as he tells me. A few months ago I found lingerie in my drawer that doesn’t belong to me. He swears up and down that he doesn’t know how it got there, but at that point I had him move to another room in the house. A few weeks ago I asked him to move out because he is back to porn. He says I am not supporting him with his issues and that he will work on them, but they are just one part of the problem. He thinks I need to work with him on fixing us, but I am not sure how to do that when he is still being so disrespectful to me since he knows I consider the porn cheating. Maybe I should have left a while ago and don’t know whether I lack self esteem or am afraid of being alone or both. We have 3 kids - the youngest is 17, and this has been super hard for them. I feel so lost and unloved and ugly and stupid, and I am afraid of taking the wrong step. He of course wants to stay with me because I bring him stability. A part of me is so repulsed by him and yet another part wants the comfort of a long time companion, but there is no peace of mind. I am a sharing my story here because I really don’t know how to move forward. I don’t see any joy in my future either with him or without him.
ReplyDeleteHe should go to SA meetings, sexual addiction is something my husband struggles with, there is no just porn, specially if he’s not releasing with you. Your story sounds too familiar, I even thought my husband was gay, but he was doing pornography, maturation and prostitution. Time to dig deep into his finances and see where his money is going, look for secret accounts, Venmo, crag list and even multiple phone numbers on his phone. Good luck, I think you are just discovering the tip of the iceberg just like I was.
DeleteI am three and a half years out from Dday. My husband withdrew from me but wouldn’t tell me why. We were still sleeping in the same bed, having sex admittedly only ever 2 weeks…but he would only trey me with warmth if we were in front of other people. I was heartbroken and would have to hide away from my kids while I cried so I wouldn’t upset them. In hindsight I should’ve seen the signs but I never for once thought he’d cheat. Turns out he was having an affair with my best friend who we spent nearly every day with. I decided to be the adult since he was acting like an out of control teenager so I tried to see if we had something worth saving…but it turns out they lied about every single thing. So I stayed to work it out under the guise of it being a 2-3 week inappropriate phone relationship that had not turned physical. Now at the 3 year mark I finally got full disclosure that it was a 6 month long physical and emotional affair. He claimed he lied to avoid losing me. I knew deep down the whole time because I’ve been fighting for him to tell me the truth. When I finally decided I was strong enough to walk unless he told me the details is the only time in he’s told anyone. I just don’t s m to be able to move forward now. I keep asking him why he lied? Why not give me a fair shake and tell me the truth so I could make decisions for myself based on the truth? He says he couldn’t because he wanted to avoid losing me. Here’s my big question ladies…how can he say he didn’t want to lose me but also have an affair? It doesn’t jive with me. He knew it could all blow up in his face…he did it anyway. Now after this disclosure came a second disclosure at which point I asked him to leave indefinitely. We had rebuilt our lives for 3 years on lies. I don’t know how to move forward even though I love him and he’s finally doing all the work of therapy and changing his behavior etc. He keeps telling me he always knew I was the one but after the affair he said I didn’t know you were my soulmate…. I don’t know how to move one. There’s been no contact between him and the AP since one month after discovery. We moved across the country to my family at his request. He finally prioritizes me and our marriage but I just can’t stop ruminating…hourly it seems. I’m plagued by nightmares. I was scapegoated and accused of overreacting by both of them, neighbors too but I was right the whole time. I just want a life free of betrayal and he has promis d me that but I don’t believe it. He’s thanked me for getting him into therapy. He takes me away on romantic trips. He’s definitely 100- percent committed currently but how long could that possibly last? He travels for work and when he’s away all the fears come back to the surface…
ReplyDeleteDearest one.....I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak...I am reflecting on your question, of how can your husband say that he snuck around cheating and lied to you about it because he didn't want to lose you. Actually, there is your answer: Immature people like this want the 'stability + love' of a marriage when they need it, and lots of secret dirty flings when they need to fulfill something else. If you are constantly the stable rock of the household, then the cheater can flit about and be as irresponsible as they want to. They know what they are doing/were doing is wrong. Hence the lies and secrecy. They 'don't want to lose you' because they don't want to lose the security and stability of a home-life. There are too many playboys out there wanting both lives. The huge disrespect and disservice to you and the marriage cuts deep. You say that you do not believe that he will be committed to you and only you (you want a life free of betrayal). Your question is valid, how long will he remain faithful? Who knows? how do any of us know? how does he even know? old patterns run deep. This is a reality. You have every right to feel cautious and afraid. In your mind, line up a dozen fictitious great guys + your husband, would you choose your husband again? Perhaps take yourself on nice trips, with a gal-pal or two. Focus on you and your well-being. Learn mindful breathing techniques to bring calm to your nervous system. Do things that you wanted to do when you were 8 years old. What were your dreams, what did you love doing? Put your focus on YOU and give less attention to him. Everything will follow. I can't speak for anyone here, I am only sharing my two cents. I am almost four years from D-Day....I telephoned my wasband at work the minute I found out...he never came home again. He knew there was no point since, as it turns out, he was never fully committed to me, even while we were engaged. He didn't even try for one hot second to come back to me and make things right. He just kept chasing females after my D-Day. I am in a position of having invested my life on a bed of quicksand with a Player. So there is nothing to go back to. Just more quicksand. Hopefully others here have husbands who were not so duplicituous and can truly work on their friendship + marriage and move through the mess.
DeleteMy story is the same. None of it makes any sense. He told me the same things. Told me he doesn’t want to lose me. Tells me he never imagined life without me. It was a big mistake - he just felt he lost me to our three young kids and she made him feel good/wanted. That he never wanted a relationship with her…. But here we are. Me trying to decide to stay or go. Once- maybe but if you make a mistake you learn right? To me it was a choice over and over and then hands you the decision to make. Feels selfish. I guess if you see action- change- remorse (not guilt) and that is consistent ans unwavering. That said - you may forgive but you never forget
ReplyDeleteI feel betrayed and hurt when I found out my husband cheated on me online 5 years ago. We were 13yrs married then and now 18yrs together. 5 years had passed and I thought I had moved on. He had his remorse and I had forgiven him. It never made me uncomfortable or insecure until it hits me hard a month ago. Just all of a sudden that familiar feelings 5 yrs ago came back. I am a mess. I felt miserable and still hurt apparently. I pretend lately that I’m ok but deep down there I wanted to scream. I have so many questions I wanted to ask him from what had occurred 5 yrs ago but I couldn’t do it. I cry when I’m alone because I don’t want our kids to see me crying. I wanted to vent to my close friends and my family but I’m afraid because I don’t want them to judge him. I have been experiencing/suffering some setbacks lately.
ReplyDeleteAny advices are welcome and appreciated. Thank you!
My husband has been having an online relationship for over 2 years and i have just decided last night , that i have to move on….2 years of heartache
DeleteI could not move on because my husband refused to stop his online friendship, telling me that i was naive and not sophisticated enough, and so i got nastier and acted
uglier and my kids lived this hell. To this day , we still fight about little things
and he is always angry with me, this online relationship was a serious thing for him but he kept making me think i was stupid. Well to me online friendships is cheating , its an emotional affair, i had so many chances to cheat and i never did .my god i thought it would kill him and he chose this friendship over me ….
so obviously Im letting him go, i had just decided last
nite. Theres no way to fix my marriage,
omg it took me that long to understand emotional affairs, that these people are stupid fools.
I loved my husband. So i will stop the nastiness and ugliness, and wish him the best,
Anon May 20, 2023. You need to confront him calmly and ask him directly if he is back to his old ways. Have him look you in the eye. If you can afford counseling, please seek help for your own mental health and the future of your family with or without him. You deserve more than you feel like you are getting. A lot more.
DeleteI’m still grieving, it’s been 6 months since Dday, but he still works with her. He is looking for a new job and my healing hasn’t been as successful due to their continued contact. I’m trying to put myself back together every darn day, but still seem to have set backs every month . I’m so grateful I found this blog ❤️
ReplyDeleteOf course your healing will be compromised if he works with her. That is awful. Have you, together, established guidelines for that contact? Has the ow understood that you are both on the same page about this? Make your needs known. Take care of yourself. Make your own choices for what is best for you right now.
DeleteMy husband had an emotional affair about 18 months ago. I can't get past it as he still works with her (refuses to leave) and refuses to delete her contact details/ social media, she follows him on Instagram and has blocked me and my daughters.
ReplyDeleteHe tells me it's been 18 months and that I should be getting past it and move on by now but I'm still angry/upset about it. He told me he was sorry it happened and at the time 'they' both decided to stop it before it went any further and tell their respective partners. He also blamed me for not giving him love/affection but wouldn't talk to me in all the time this was building up. He took me out to dinner to tell me about it.....I think he wasn't sure of my reaction and didn't want the kids to find out either.
I found out recently that her birthday is on his calendar, mine isn't. I so badly want to delete it but I think he would flip out. His phone is off limits, I did tell him that as his wife he shouldn't have secrets from me but still he won't let me look at it.
He sees it all as just a kiss they had but I could deal with it if it was a drunken kiss like the 1st one......but there's two more 'passionate' kisses they had when both sober outside work.
I feel as though he's protective of her and not me.
Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. Your comments are very familiar to me. Same behavior from my husband. I recently found out he had continued the affair after my initial discovery. All I can say is trust your gut. You should have full access to his phone if that is what you need to heal. You need to first take care of yourself. Based on your comments, it doesn’t seem like your husband is taking into account your feelings at all. He is more concerned with himself. All I know is us women seem to have some sixth sense when it comes to infidelity. You need to listen to that. I didn’t for many months and now I am broken and devastated again.
DeleteI'm sorry you're in such pain. I understand because my situation is a lot like yours. I discovered my husband's affair last October. The day I found out I cried in his arms for hours and the very next morning he went to see HER. He spent several hours that day with her! I often wonder why I'm still with him. We've been married for 39 years. He has treated me so badly over her. He gave her an old car we had and told me she was getting it "no matter what". He hired her son to work for us (after I found out about the relationship). At one point, he even had her working side-by-side with me. He claims he did not have sex with her but he's a liar so I don't believe him. He was seeing her for 7 months before I discovered the affair. He still doesn't admit that it was an affair. He was very protective over his phone as well. He even hid it from me one night. The very next day he bought an I-Phone. Our family always used Android. He finally broke free from her, so I thought. Four months later, I discovered he went to her apartment 5 days before my 58th birthday, which he lied about. He has always been concerned about her. He's rarely put me first. She has been his priority and it hurts so bad to know that another woman has taken my place in his heart. I ask myself, why do I want this man? We have a long history, an adult son with autism, many grandchildren, a business we run together. I love his family and he loves mine. But the way he has treated me since discovery is something I never would have believed he could do. Never in a million years but here we are. I'm a fighter but what am I fighting for? Maybe it's time to move on.
ReplyDeleteToday is D-Day.... i just found out that my husband (2 years married, 12 years together) had sex with a coworker twice. I'm not sure how to feel. I'm struggling a lot, but Elle's words are really sitting with me and I appreciate it. It is helping get me through this night alone.
ReplyDeleteCame across this blog by accident but already it is helping.
ReplyDeleteD-Day was 9 days ago, 3 days before our 35th wedding anniversary and the day we were going away to family for the weekend. As you can imagine this was hell!
I found out from her husband who came to my door, with copies of messages between them.
I was going to wait till we got home before confronting him but it was eating me up. He said they were just good friends, they work together, he was supporting her through some crap, all the usual rubbish. Told him not to disrespect me anymore and asked if they had had sex and he admitted they had, didn’t have to use the messages. This has been going on over 12 months.
His reasoning is that he didn’t feel close to me anymore and felt lonely- ok I get that, no sex for 5 years and although we do everything together it was more like best friends, he gets that he should have talked to me and when I asked what he was thinking to actually do it he says he obviously wasn’t thinking. He said his ego probably had something to do with it. I stayed calm which for me is good. I never gave him any ultimatums and said we needed to talk before we went home.
We talked more than we have in years, told him I didn’t know what was going to happen, if I hold him it was over was he going back there, he said no this was done with, I made him see it wasn’t what he wanted.
My problem is, which I’ve told him, he is the person I go to when I’m upset, we have so much history, 4 kids, 3 grandkids, and I actually just want him to comfort me. Does this sound strange? Last night we ended up having sex, I couldn’t finish this for him for a number of reasons- the physical pain due to menopause (which looking back is prob the reason I’ve been like I have with sex for 5 years) but also the images of them 2 together and then him probably comparing my crap efforts to her - especially after reading the text messages about what they wanted to do to each other and how they turn each other on.
He still has to work with her - he’s told her it’s over, she’s told her husband (they are open with each other and he’s known for the year, think they are over but just live in the same house) that my hubby has told her they can only have a professional relationship, that she felt awful for me as I was the only one not responsible in all this and she was worried I would go into work and make a scene - like I would lower myself to that!
Don’t know why I’m even writing this but I feel better getting it out.
Dear Anon from Sept.23......I am so sorry for what has brought you to this great supportive group, but glad that we can be here for each other. The shock of betrayal can be massive and may take time to settle in. Adrenaline runs high and the betrayed can make impulsive emotional decisions/choices. Right now you need to take care of you. It is a shame your husband couldn't talk to you, especially about him changing the nature of your marriage. Marriage should be sacred, and if a party is wanting to change this they should discuss it. Period. You needing comforting from him is normal, you have shared so much in 35 years; but how can the one who brought you great pain give you comfort? They still work together? and after AT LEAST a year of lying and deceit you trust what you are now being told, that it is over? Cheaters rarely give the full truth, let alone any truths, even when pushed to the wall. They have successfully lied so why come clean now? I am sorry, but the affair could have gone on for years. You are being told one year because that might be more easy for you to stomach, than being told three or four years. There is a difference between an affair and a relationship. Men can be cheating, having all sorts of affairs, but these can also turn into relationships as they develop feelings for each other. My wasband couldn't come clean after D-Day, he continued to lie and on my own I discovered more and more of his secret life. He had relationships with other women and he developed feelings for them. This, for me, was beyond acceptable in our marriage. The day I found out of one particular affair, he didn't come home. He didn't even try to. Because he knew he had nothing to offer me or the marriage. We became permanently separated. Can you salvage your marriage? I really can't say. But if a boat has leaks and the passengers have problems swimming.....so please take care of you first. I had some female-physical-medical problems for a few years that led to infrequent intimate relations with wasband, but I thought he understood and he seemed supportive, he would even accompany me to doctor appointments. I thought we were great partners, lovers, friends but I was wrong. He used me for security, for his image ("oh, wow, your wife is so great!!! translation: you must be great too!") for when he needed to feel loved. D-Day was four years ago and I feel sad when I cannot share with him my day, my successes, my worries...I have no-one to share these with...but the marriage was destroyed, completely obliterated by him so there is nothing for me to return to. I try to not burden my friends with my worries and concerns in life and yes this can feel lonely, I get home and there is no-one to share the best part of my day with. So I work through this and accept that this is much much better than being with someone who was not truly interested in being with me. Please be well....move slowly, do good things for yourself, avoid websites that tell you it your duty to fix the marriage and understand your husband. Trust me, those sites exist. Perhaps the two of you can find a really good counselor to navigate these times....not to focus on 'fixing' anything but to navigate and see what unfolds.....please keep us posted!
ReplyDeleteMy D-Day was almost two weeks ago and I just discovered this page tonight, which has helped. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 4, as of a few days ago. We didn’t even speak on our anniversary except that he sent another apology text. He is beyond remorseful and says he wants to put in the work to fix this… that he always has and always will love me. But I just can’t fathom how that can be true when he could have had a sporadic affair with a women we went to school with years ago, spanning over 4 years. Both before and after we were married. An occasional hookup. I didn’t even suspect. He just finally came clean and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I never would have suspected. I was smug in my confidence of our love. I thought our relationship was healthy, we communicated, we were talking about starting a family… I do feel like I’ve lost my best friend, I’ve lost the person that I thought I was married to because he never would have done this. But he did and now I need to figure out if I can live with it. I’m 31 so I’ve been with him almost a third of my life. Now I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live life without him and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live life WITH him.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and your own needs at this time. Confide in a trusted friend or family member. Demand transparency and honesty from your husband. If he cannot give you that, then this is information. Find a good trauma-informed therapist. Whatever you do, put your needs first. If he wants to repair, you will start to see that.
DeleteGood morning to All :-) I have been scanning through so many posts here, on BetrayedWivesClub...I keep seeing the same words: 'he didn't want to lose me, he didn't want to lose me....' So here are these players, the big-man-on-campus, intentionally doing things that they KNOW will destroy their wife/significant other/committed Life Partner...they KNEW their cheating actions would have terrible consequences if found out...so we ask ourselves, WHY??? Why do they lead double-lives? Why do they do this when they are afraid of losing us? I can only think that they want it all. Or they enjoy risky behaviour. Or they are just immature and should have stayed a bachelor. Or all of the above. Their fear of 'losing' is greater than the respect they have for you. Their secret needs are greater than the mutual partnership of a marriage. If a cheater can work through their issues, this takes time and does not happen over a few months. I am puzzled how marriages can be 'rebuilt' when at least one partner needs to do a lot of deep-work-therapy-self-introspection. And the betrayed person needs to work through their trauma before even getting to healing, before even getting to feel 'normal' again. So once both partners have done work on themselves, they are not really the same people as when they married. So now they are staying together for.....? I am sincerely puzzled. I have been four years permanently separated and have grown in ways I did not expect, but I will never be the same person again. My loss-of-innocence with trust has been damaged and I am on high alert with stranger-danger, even when making a new friend at work. Who knows what wasband has done for his own growth. Can others come together again and start anew? I 'lost' my husband the moment he started cheating. But he didn't give me the chance to know, I had to find out the hard way. Yet, he continued to cover his tracks so he wouldn't 'lose' me. Why are people so selfish/needy? If wasband can 'find' himself, good for him. The sad irony is that he didn't want to lose me, but he made certain that he did.
ReplyDeleteI’m broken and feel like I’m dying. Just found out husband of 15 years has been having affair for 7 months. I had been suspicious and kept asking him and he denied it even swore on our kids life, but I found text message evidence and then he admitted it. They even did it in our daughter’s bed when I was away (with my two daughters asleep in our bed and my son up gaming!). He is begging for forgiveness. We were in therapy anyway, for a year, as we were not happy, and I wasn’t sleeping with him much. He claims he was broken by this and needed intimacy. He says it meant nothing which I believe - but that almost makes it worse. So his marriage and his kids were worth less than the nothing of that relationship. He is desperate for me to stay but how can I ever get past the fact he brought her into our house, and I could never ever trust him again. Part of me is desperate to believe him, we have built so much together and it will be financially very tough to separate. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so so sorry for the pain you're in. We know that feeling. My advice? Focus on you. Focus on what you need right now. As best you can, get sleep. Eat healthy. Don't make any big decisions. Your mind is reeling and your body is in shock. What your husband is saying sounds like so so many other men who are shocked to discover that this stupid choice they made (often out of loneliness or horniness or ignorance) actually has consequences. They have often convinced themselves of total bullshit stories. But that's for him to sort out. Please know that you will get through this.
DeleteI've been struggling with my husband being unfaithful. I've caught him on multiple occasions messaging with other women too. The struggle is daily for me. Thank you for your story. It helps to know that there are other women out there who know what it feels like ❤️
ReplyDeleteThe random pangs of sadness and nights crying in the bathroom because I was reminded of how he was with another woman for so long and I was nothing towards him are the absolute worst. They are my absolute lowest moments where I don’t know if I can move on. We are working towards a brighter future and our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the time since I found out. But the pain does not go away. It transforms from a gut wrenching feeling to a sting to sometimes just a wave of sadness. I think understanding that it’ll never be gone is liberating but also depressing. I hope one day the wave of sadness will turn into a distant memory and all I’ll feel is a tinge of sadness with an understanding that now we are so much better.
ReplyDeleteI just found out three days ago that my husband has been cheating on me for the past year and a half. I am devastated. We have 6 month old twins. He cheated during my very difficult pregnancy starting I think a few months before when we were struggling to conceive. I have no idea what to do. I am home with the babies all day and have so little time to myself. He is acting remorseful but I feel like it is just because he is sad he got caught. So far two close friends and my brother know, but I’m not sure I want to let anyone else know. I am just in shock and completely devastated. Any advice on first steps to take? I am feeling the need for space but also need his help with the babies
ReplyDeleteI have been cheated on recently and have been married for 23 years and with him for 26, have two kids 13 and 15, I have decided to work things out for the kids sake and for the sake of losing my home i have made our home…I have to much to lose to throw it all away so I decided to patch it up but am having such a hard time healing and forgetting…it is awful and my heart breaks and I have trust issues very bad…I had trust issues before this happened and now it’s really bad….i wish I could make it go away or be hypnotized to forget it…I have confidence issues now too because of it…..just have no one to talk to about it since family is now distant since I decided to patch up the relationship…what a hot mess..:.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. Can you find a friend and a therapist to talk with? Also, be sure that you are taking care of yourself. That includes putting away money for yourself and getting control of what you can control--exercise, eating right, journaling. It is awful, isn't it?
DeleteSorry to read this. Your DDay was 11 Feb. I am feeling your pain. Mine was 27 Jan. Married for 18 years. 3 teenage kids. Really thought we had such a strong marriage. I trusted him to the point that when someone sent me a screenshot of messages with the OW I thought is was fake, a phishing attempt to get me to click on something. My heart skipped a beat but I knew it could not be true. I asked him and he said he was really puzzled and didn't know anything about it. I believed him 99%. Later that night I woke up in the night and he was on his phone at the end of the bed writing a suicide note (I later found out).
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I asked him to search for the girls name in his phone but I did and there it was and it all came out. I will never be the same again. Everything I knew to be true about me and him and our life together. We are soooo close and our love is so deep and the pain and hurt is so unbearable. Maybe it's like childbirth. You can't bear it. It's not courage or bravery or strength! There is no option NOT to bear it.
He is very remorseful and has been very communicative. He has been in therapy and diagnosed with moderate depression. We will work it out. We start couples therapy next week. And I am getting therapy fro myself too. Knowing I am not alone means so much. Thanks for all the people who have shared their stories and vented and cried and encouraged on these pages. I thought that maybe after 2 or 3 months it would be behind me, but I am coming to learnt this is a long road and there are no short cuts. For those of you hear who have has more than one DDay I cannot imagine. I would die if I had to go through this again. I am glad we are getting couples therapy
I know it will be so painful but I am ready and I think he is too. It's so hard not being able to talk to my friends about it. The shame. They way they would look at him. And the pity i would see in their eyes when they look at me. I was wisely advised not to tell anyone. But it's so lonely in that space. Sisters, here we are