I call these experiences our dark teachers. The lessons that hurt, scare, scar, wound, and almost destroy us are very often the things that make us who we are because they require us to muster what we thought we could not muster—courage, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, love, resilience, strength, generosity of spirit, ferocity of heart. The times we feel lost are the times that require us to find our way. The deepest losses often lead us to our most profound gains.
–Cheryl Strayed, from: It’s From Darkness That Everything Grows, Dear Sugar Letter #2. Originally published on December 31, 2020I don't blame you if you want to reach into your computer screen and punch me in the nose. It can be infuriating to hear that old chestnut "what doesn't kill you makes you strong" when you don't want to be strong or nearly dead or half alive. When you just want your life back before you learned that the person you trusted most with your heart had shattered it.
But bear with me. Because whether or not you're ready to hear this, I want you to store it somewhere in your exhausted brain to pull out on those days when you don't think you can stand another second of this pain. I want you to know that, as Cheryl Strayed puts it, "it's from darkness that everything grows."
Well, maybe not everything. But many, many good things. Like courage and compassion and kindness and forgiveness. Love, strength, ferocity of heart.
Here I am, just weeks past my 28th wedding anniversary, 18 years past my D-Day. I have the long view. And whether or not you stay with your partner or leave, whether or not you rebuild your relationship with him or stick to rebuilding your relationship with yourself, you will — as long as you work through the pain and don't let it fester and rot your soul — come to the day when you, too, have the long view and can see the beauty of what you built in the ashes.
My kids are adults now. They have friends who've been cheated on, friends who've done the cheating. And they are utterly certain that they will never stay with someone who cheats. That they will never cheat.
I was that certain, once.
I have a hunch we all were.
But now we know.
That life isn't always so clear. That there are circumstances that keep us in place even if every part of our being wants to flee. Or circumstances that cause us to flee when every part of our being wants to stay.
I hope my children never do have to experience infidelity in any way, though I know that statistically, one or more of them likely will.
And if not infidelity, I know that life will bring them to their knees one way or the other. A sick child, a job loss, a terrible diagnosis. None of us emerges without our scars.
But let's note again just what is forged in that darkness if we let it: courage, compassion, kindness, forgiveness. Love, resilience, strength, generosity of spirit, ferocity of heart.
May that be yours.
Maybe not today. But soon.
All true, Elle. Thank you for posting.
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DeleteThis is LLP from 10 years ago. I made it to the healing finish line with your help. You don’t get over it. You learn to tolerate it. Unlike you I refuse to celebrate my antiversary. Yes, I still think about his affair.. I no longer have triggers. My husband is finally the man I always wanted. My children say I have become selfish. My life is better. Not because of him but because of me. How much I learned about life, myself and boundaries. It isn’t easy to hold boundaries with the ones you love but necessary if you really want something. I took my dead parents money and built a horse stable. It was not popular even now in my family. I learned that people who really love you are happy for you even if they disagree. I learned to question why somebody is asking me to do something- is it for them or me? There is so much damage everywhere to work through but it can be done. I think of you from time to time. Thank you.
DeleteOh wow, LLP!! So nice to hear from you. And congratulations on the horse stable. A friend of BWC once got herself a pair of miniature revenge horses (the horses were miniature, not the revenge!) because her cheating ex (with whom she shared a horse-y business) said she couldn't have them. So brava to you for your horse stable. Horses are healing!! And brava to you from disentangling others' motivations from your own response. I am so glad to hear you're doing well.
DeleteElle, thank you for so bravely sharing your experience and continuing to be a source of support and comfort for us betrayed wives. I first found your blog almost 5 years ago, right after my D Day. Your words have helped me through some of the darkest and most challenging parts of my life. I haven’t been on in quite a while, but as our 17th wedding anniversary is this weekend, I have been struggling. I have decided to stay, for many reasons, but like most I always said I would never put up with being cheated on. Wedding anniversaries are hard… I feel like a fraud, like I am the one that is lying now. Your blog gives me the reminder that it is ok to choose to stay, it is ok to choose what I think is best for my kids. And mostly it gives me hope that my husband and I can maybe, one day, be truly happy again and the pain I feel will be a distant memory. And then I can be there to help someone when they need it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about your sense that you're a fraud (and please know, I've felt it too). I see things differently. None of us knows what happens in another's marriage. I'm stunned at how many of my friends whose marriages looked picture-perfect from the outside have separated or divorced. So what I believe now has shifted. A good marriage, one worth preserving, isn't a "perfect" one. It isn't shiny and polished and without flaws. That would be easy, wouldn't it? No, a good marriage, one worth preserving, is likely pretty battered by 17 years. It's inhabitants have grown older, made mistakes -- maybe awful ones. But in a good marriage, the inhabitants have continued to choose each other. Not always, clearly. But again. And again. Maybe for each other, maybe for your kids. For now, you are not a fraud. You are someone making the choice you believe best for your own and others' heart.
DeleteI t was nice to come back to this site and see a new posting from you Elle. I am all those things, I am still on the journey out of everything that has happened I found Me and I’m amazing but it took me quite a while to see it after DDay to anybody that reads this especially those who just found out and are in the most excruciating pain of your lives. This is true and where there is darkness there is always light x
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DeleteThank you Elle for the many years of helping so many of us that have had to live through the darkest days of our lives. I hope that there were more successes than failures for those who choose to stay with their spouses. For those of us that weren’t as fortunate, my only hope is that by being part of this site that it made you stronger women who value yourself. God has another plan for us. He will never leave you or forsake you. God bless
ReplyDeleteThat is my hope, too.
DeleteThank-you Elle for your heartfelt post. I certainly do not wish to punch you in the nose! I am just past the five-year-mark of D-Day. The first days, weeks, months were excruciating painful. Every second my nervous system was screaming. I would look in the mirror and a dead face stared blankly back at me. That feels like a long time ago, thankfully. I have chosen to stay permanently separated from wasband and never opted to date, nope, note even a coffee date with a guy. I have less than zero interest. I am building a fascinating relationship with my self and forge ahead with my new life. And I built that on my pain. On my letting go. On my radical acceptance of what had happened, of what was. Accepting that I would never get proper closure from wasband, that I had to create it for myself. And from all this, I have more compassion for others and a real understanding, a true knowing of pain and loss, of grief. As I have rebuilt my life, I see a happier but wiser person in the mirror. My mum says I look 'pretty' again, she means my spirit is happier and not nearly as broken as it once was. I am more savvy now, I have healthy boundaries and I consciously own everything I say and do. I keep my side of the street clean and cannot judge anyone. I wish for everyone to experience growth and expansion, to strive to do the best they can with what they have and to keep supporting each other :-)
ReplyDeleteTook me a minute to realize that "wasband" wasn't a typo. Thanks for the laugh. And brava to you for all you've done.
DeleteTHANKYOU ELLE for being here!! this site has been a beacon of light for me :-) I have the book by Tracy Schorn (Leave a Cheater/Gain A Life)... I obtained the word 'wasband' from there! folk love it when I say this word, they do a double-take and ask, what did you just say?? Sometimes I just shorten the word to 'was'. :-)
DeleteHa! Love it. I still have an is-band. ;)
DeleteWow, six years ago I found this site and found everything that Elle stated in her posts and in her book have come to pass. We do get stronger and more confident and less tolerable to bad behavior by the other partner. Unfortunately for me I find myself once again picking up the pieces of a broken heart. Discovered that my H had been in contact with his mistress, texting and having dinner. He swears that it was nothing physical therefore he should be forgiven a second time. By becoming stronger you discover your self worth and if he can’t see it then that is his problem. Because of my self worth and confidence, there will be no second chance. I actually feel at piece with this decision. Looking forward to my new life and having a Wasband, he doesn’t deserve me. I’m too good for him. Thank you Elle and all the women on this site, May God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your husband is a dum-dum. But yay for you! Most definitely a him problem (though he seems intent on making it your problem too) so glad you're cutting him loose and that you feel at peace with that decision. It's so hard to see when we're first reeling from betrayal -- we think we'll always feel this pain and confusion and paralysis. But, if we take the time (like you did) to really rebuild our lives with ourselves at the center of our choices, then, yes, we come to see that others' poor choices don't have to define us.
DeleteLorena Bobbit should be canonized as a saint.
ReplyDeleteomigod, thanks for the laugh. And I agree!
DeleteThank you Elle for your response. It will be a hard road for me ahead. He cry’s everytime we talk, a gut wrenching subbing cry, begging me to reconsider my decision. I remember that subbing six years ago, when it was me. I can’t bring myself to feel sympathy for him. I feel sad for my marriage, for myself that I believed and trusted him. He says he loves me. I believe that when you love someone, that you would never intentionally hurt that person. The boundaries were set 6 years ago, cut all ties with the mistress, and complete honesty and transparency going forward. He failed at all three. His excuse this time after asking many times was, “He did not think that it would ver it’s head”Maybe the one thing that he has been honest about. This is a classic case of having your cake and eating it too. He cry’s cause he got caught.
ReplyDeleteThanks again Elle for this site.