Feeling Stuck: Part 8 (FULL: Please post in Part 9)

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188 comments:

  1. PART 1 - I am writing this story to give hope to all of the women whose stories I have read on this site. It has been almost 6 years since my D-Day. I no longer know the exact date. I know it was sometime in early September. It was in the month of August that I began to suspect something wasn't right. He became very concerned with his appearance, started using Rogaine, shaved his back, starting wearing the tighter briefs he said he didn't like. He was working out of town an didn't want to come home on weekends and did not want me to go there for the weekend. He wouldn't answer his calls like he used to and wouldn't call back. When we were together the sex was the best we had in years, creepy. Little things began to add up and I went to a therapist and laid it all out and the she gave me one of the best pieces of advice I had ever gotten. "A person does not act deceivingly unless they are deceiving." I came home that day and called him and told him I was beginning to think there was another woman. His reply was, "when this project is over I will be coming home to you." Then he sent me the guilt yellow roses. This only raised the doubts I had. I did some more snooping but he was working in another state, his cell phone and email were work accounts I had no access to. I did find some questionable charges on the credit card bill that I confronted him with. When caught he said the words I will never forget, "I love you, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to be married to you anymore." Twenty three years of marriage to my best friend since 16, a home, two boys 20 and 16, a family destroyed.
    After D-Day he put me through the worse 6 months of my life. He would come home and we would talk and it would be decided we would work it out, then he would go back to work out of town and everything would change. It was the worse roller coaster of hope and despair that I wouldn't wish on my own enemy. NEVER DID HE ADMIT TO THE AFFAIR! The closest he ever came was to calling me on the way to the airport crying and telling me he couldn't come home and face his boys with what he had done. After 6 months I told him I wanted a divorce, 6 more months of trying to work out a mutual divorce agreement, 6 more months after filing to have a hearing, 6 more months of his lawyer contesting silly things like the blue book value of my car, and then finally divorced after almost 2 years since I first noticed the changes. 2 years of trauma, that I still suffer the PTSD from.

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  2. PART 2 There are many more horror stories I could tell, like when he told me "I am looking at you and seeing all the things I love about you like your long slender fingers." What the fuck 24 years of rubbing this man's ass to put him to sleep every night, caring for him, raising our children, taking care of everything in the home, everything and all he can come up with is I have long slender fingers. Or him pulling out a piece of 2" by 4" piece of paper from his wallet and reading the 6 things I did wrong in 24 years of marriage as the reason for him wanting out. (2 I didn't even do, 1 never happened, 1 was completely justified and I can't even remember the other 3.) The cherry on the cake was finding two women's pubic hairs crossed in an x on the back corner of my nightstand. The spider (my name for the OW) was marking her spot.
    I spent years bewildered, angry and in pain never understanding why he did what he did. We didn't fight and never said he was unhappy in anyway. I was devastated and had no idea who I was other than his wife and my children's mother. It was all gone and he still has never admitted to the affair. He moved her into his house before the divorce was even filed and married her 4 months after the divorce was signed.
    Anyway this is what I have learned in the past few years. He was a narcissist and I was a codependent. He needed attention and I needed to be needed. It worked for many years. I had my home, family and security but I did not have husband who acknowledged my needs or made any attempt to meet them. So this is what I believe, GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAID, HONEY YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON BUT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY AND YOU ARE TOO LOYAL TO THIS MAN AND TOO GOOD OF A PERSON TO DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION SO I GIFT YOU THE SPIDER. IT WILL BE HARD AND YOU WILL STRUGGLE BUT IN THE END YOU WILL HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU WILL BE AT PEACE WITH YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL HAVE HAPPINESS.
    And today that is what I have and I hope that all the women who have written on this site, who are suffering, who are laying on the floor crying because their hearts are broken can take from this story some hope that there is peace and happiness in their future just hang on.

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    1. Thank-you for this. It can feel impossible to imagine that there will ever be happiness again. But, whether or not our affair story ends the way we hope, it's absolutely possible to create a life that's meaningful and joyful.

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  3. It's been awhile since I've been here. I have found so much comfort from BWC over the past 11 months. I have to admit that at times it sets me back to read the stories of the new heartbreak and I retreat. I am amazed that you do this day after day, Elle, you truly are a strong woman.

    HOPE:
    At 11 months past dday/12 months past the act of infidelity, I find myself in a marriage that is more connected, more respectful, more loving than I, over the course of this 27 year marriage, ever dreamed possible. I'm telling you this because Elle (and others), in the beginning, told me it COULD happen, we COULD build something from the wreckage, and it was possible to be happy again. At the time, I thought they surely must be crazy. But, here I am in a happy marriage with a man who, I believe, truly loves me. We've both changed over the last year, we've started "seeing" each other in a different way. I no longer take his strength and resolve for granted; even the strongest of us need reassurance and care. And, he shows me love in a million different ways now, sweet, thoughtful sincere and simple acts that are slowly repairing and smoothing out the damage done.

    My husband recently told me that he likes who he is again and it is so obvious in every way. This is a huge step in our marriage as it was his questioning of self-worth and feelings of inadequacy that slowly started eating away at him and ultimately resulted in infidelity. And it carried over into the early days of our recovery in the form of guilt and sadness that he had let us all down. But, now, my strong, loving husband is back. That shell of a man from last summer has faded away. I appreciate him in every way and I tell him more. He says that I saved him but I think we saved each other. I have learned what it means to truly love someone, to understand someone else's pain, to really explore who I am and what is important, and to forgive. I know that many people take issue with that word but in our marriage, in this story, it is the correct word. For some of you it might be "acceptance"....its up to you, whatever allows your story to move forward...

    I'm not saying my heart doesn't still catch when he says he loves me, and certainly I have moments when it silently responds with "for now" or "today" or "until you dont." It would be foolish to live through this hell and not have a part of you that sits silently in the shadows doubting, waiting. I don't think I'll ever be able to hear those words from him without that little warning going off in my heart. But, you can acknowledge the risk and the doubt while still living your life and moving forward.

    Know that it is possible to be happy again if both of you want to be, choose to be. And, also know that you have the strength to get through this, whether you stay or leave. Just keep moving forward toward the light.

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    1. Wow, RT, that's really great. And thank-you for sharing your experience with everyone here. It is hard to believe that a marriage can become richer and stronger for the storms it has weathered. And it doesn't always turn out that way -- it takes two committed partners, willing to expose their underbellies and trust. So glad you posted.

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    2. "...slowly repairing and smoothing out the damage..."
      Perfect description of what I feel lately too. Love it. Every word you've said is perfect! Thank you. Reminds me of a Terri St Cloud bone sigh I read today... http://www.bonesigharts.com/store/continuing-on?ref=home

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  4. RT you have done an amazing job really laying the truth out there. And recognizing that change in your husband and yourself. It is so clear!!!

    I think the entire culture should stop repeating the mantra that a man "in a happy relationship would never cheat" and " if he was getting some at home he would he never cheat" , and " if his wife understood him he wouldn't cheat" and change the whole thought process to "a man who is happy--period" would never cheat and "a man who understands +himself+would not be cheating".
    I am so happy for you and your husband. Thanks for showing us that's the light is there and one way or another We can find it

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  5. Random Thoughts,
    That was beautiful!

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  6. This is a letter I wrote to my husband's affair partner, I did not send it, and probably never will....that is why I would like to post it here for the world to see and hear my thoughts about this despicable woman. I am so grateful for this space as a place of expression and connection for those of us who have endured the pain of betrayal. Thank you for your courage and camaraderie:

    Oh Dear Naive Molly,

    I know I said there would be no more communication between you and my husband. But, I never said I would not contact you. As you might have guessed, I have a few things I'd like to say to you. This in no way invites you to respond, I am not interested in hearing victimized excuses for your abhorrent behavior, the least you can do is respect my wishes for no further contact since you fucked my husband. You owe me at least that amount of respect. Besides, I simply will have nothing more to say to you by the end of this letter, so again, please don't bother responding.

    Per your text to him, you should know that he and I are by no means staying together for duty or image or security. Is your ego so out of control that you believe these are the only reasons he would choose me over you? You asked if everything he said to you was a lie, the answer is yes, they were all drunken lies. In fact, you were nothing more to him than pornography, a disgusting fantasy of a whore. A brief escape from his emotional pain, something you know nothing about because he never confided anything real to you. Did you really think you knew him better than me after a few months of working together and fucking twice? How immature of you.

    We are staying together because we love each other deeply, it has nothing to do with duty, image, or security. It makes me feel sorry for you that you think it does, clearly you've never experienced love. Not that it is any of your business, but we have decided to stay together because our love for each other is strong, and growing stronger through this crisis (incidentally, mostly due to the mistake that is you). We are staying together because we are best friends and our long and rich history supersedes the very brief and very meaningless time you spent together. Although, I'm not sure why I'm telling you this since a desperately selfish person like you will never be able to understand.

    In fact, I would like thank you. Your inadequacies as a person helped him to see all of the qualities he loves about me more clearly. Our marriage is being rebuilt stronger than it was before. That being said, this is the most painful experience I have have ever endured. As such, I want you to own the role you knowingly played in hurting me. If I am honest, I want you to feel some of the pain you so selfishly caused. I hope you are consumed with shame for being an adulteress. You have a teenage daughter...is this the kind of immoral example you are setting for her? I feel sorry for her.

    I must address your conjecture that what the two of you had was special. What happened between the two of you was not special, it was WRONG, disgusting, and the biggest mistake of his life. It would be a mistake in yours if you had any self respect. He will always look back on your time together with disgust, regret, and pain. Every time he sees your face he is reminded of how badly he fucked up and how much he hurt ME. He had No real feelings for you, anything he said to you was in an effort to calm you down. Were you really so desperate for attention that you couldn't see this? You should read this article, I suspect you have a similar problem and you should probably get help: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/magazine/confessions-of-a-seduction-addict.html?partner=socialflow&smid=tw-nytimes&_r=2

    to be continued....next post

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  7. My professional background as a therapist leads me to suspect you have the proverbial "daddy issues syndrome", searching for self worth in any man who looks your way. It is unfortunate that your desperation blinded you from seeing that you mean nothing to him, you were a warm body willing to spread her legs while he was desperately depressed. It gives me solace to think that this disgusting mistake happened while he was at rock bottom in his life. It gives me a clue into the kind of men you are attracted to, thankfully he has made enough changes to his life that he now has too many values for you to be attracted to him. He hates working with you, seeing you is a constant reminder of how disgustingly weak and immoral he had become.
    To be crystal clear, you could have been anybody, there was nothing special about you in particular that made him stray, your pursuit of him stroked his ego, the end. You said that you felt used, but the truth is you used him as much as he used you. You needed the high of having a married man desire you, and you needed to win the game of seduction that fills your needy hole of a heart with feelings of being wanted. How fucking sick and pathetic.

    Further, you should know that I know absolutely everything, and I mean EVERYTHING all the way down to the dirty episode on your couch...you share no more secrets with him. I also know where you live (thank you for posting a picture on instagram and leaving your profile public, how stupid are you?), not that I will ever show up at your trashy little apartment.

    I actually pity you. It takes an especially desperate and selfish woman to set her sights on a man who has a wife and a family, and then victimize herself when its over. He owes you nothing, your manipulations to get him to "help you through this" are truly fucked up.....you knew he was married, you chose to move forward anyway, now you must stand alone in the shame you feel for that decision. It is not his or anybody else's job to make you feel better about what you did. The fact that you "could see yourself spending your time together in the future" and even pursued going on dates outside of work despite his married status, highlights the delusional nature of your infatuation with my husband. I suspect you always go for unobtainable men, because your narcissism prevents you from ever experiencing real love. Your "do what feels good to me and fuck everybody else" philosophy on life will continue to take you down a destructive path of pain and loneliness. How sad for you.

    You said you were sorry for my pain. This is laughable, I happen to know you offered to continue the affair on the grounds that marriage is just a convention made up by society and people who choose that path are sheep. But, as a psychologist, I see through your sick justification and directly to your real hopes which were probably that you would somehow win his love/attention from me over time, just so you could throw him away when you got bored. You should know there was never a competition, he never considered and never will consider leaving me. Not because of our kids, but because I can satisfy him in all of the ways you never could. You will never be able to satisfy the needs of any man with your overgrown ego, there is no room for anybody but you in your life you selfish bitch. You are the cause of your loneliness and unhappiness. Until you accept responsibility for yourself you will always be miserable, and from what I can tell from the things you have said and done, that won't be happening anytime soon.
    .....to be continued next post

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  8. Your conjecture that you don't need a man is hilarious, are you really that blind to your issues? Your lack of self awareness is alarming. Was this disgusting facade of a relationship some kind of sick challenge you enjoyed to boost your ego? How far can I get this married man to go for me? Did it boost your self esteem to lower your morals to that level?

    Who am I kidding? I know women like you, of course it boosted your self-esteem and fed your over-sized ego. This is what Narcissist's do. Narcissist's do not have morals outside of what feels good to them. They leave a path of destruction and pain where they walk and they are never, ever sorry for it. It comforts me to know that while you have caused me an incredible amount of pain, I will heal and become stronger for it, but you will always be in pain, will always be searching for the next victim to feed your ego, and you will likely NEVER find true happiness. There will always be a an endless pit in your heart that you will insist other people fill.

    I don't want an apology from a disgusting and pathetic person like you.

    However, if I ever see you around, (and I suspect I will since he will now be bringing me to many more work functions) you do not need to worry. I will not confront you. In fact, this is the last time I will ever give you anymore thought, as you are not worth my time. You will never be half of the woman I am (his words), and you will never be anything more to him than the biggest mistake of his life (also his words). It's interesting that he was able to so easily walk away from the woman whose "boyfriends have never broken up with her", guess you're not all that irresistible. In fact, according to him you became more and more ugly the more he got to know you. Your manipulative ways became increasingly clear as time went on. Also, your very large nose and unibrow began to overtake your face....he's not a fan of big noses or hairy women.

    Just to reiterate, all personal communication between he and you is over. You are not and never will be "friends" in any way. He will be as brief as possible when working with you, and will do so only when absolutely needed. Otherwise, he will continue to avoid you at all costs. As a professional courtesy, we would appreciate you doing the same. I get that it is uncomfortable for the two of you to avoid each other and have "bad energy", but that is a small price to pay for the betrayal you colluded in, and the pain I must endure because of your affair.

    As a person who needs to speak her mind and get her feelings out, I am sure you understand my need to write this letter. I feel like you should know your actions to pursue my husband have hurt me deeply and that I hope you can someday take personal responsibility for your part in this affair, even if it is only to yourself, so that your recklessness will not hurt another like me, or at the very least you do not pass on your fucked up morals to your daughter.

    So you know, I hold my husband responsible for 90% of the pain and he is owning his part and doing the work to rebuild our marriage into something even more beautiful than before. We both believe that in spite of this disgusting mistake, our marriage is still sacred and not worth throwing away over meaningless sex with a whore. I cannot stress enough that you were no victim in this mess, you were an active and knowing participant, and as such I know that karma will take care of you for your misdeeds. My wish for you is that your future partner will meet someone just like you and you will experience my side of what you have done. I wish you all of the emotional pain the world has to offer. I hate you. Congratulations, you are officially the first person I have ever hated in my life. But, that's okay...someday you will be as insignificant to me as you are to my husband now.

    Maybe you are over him, maybe you are not - either way you need to respect our boundaries and continue to stay the fuck away. Now I'm done.

    Sincerely,

    His Wife

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    1. I hope seeing this in print gives you some measure of closure. She's not worth the bad energy. I suspect a letter like this would only serve to convince her of her own importance. Better to cut off attention to her and live your life.

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    2. Wow, I may have to borrow this letter. Just joining this forum, broken-hearted two weeks after discovering affair.

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    3. This letter is glorious. It's exactly what I try and sort out in my head. I would never give her the satisfaction of knowing that of course but still, it's nice to be prepared. His OW is 22 to his 32 but all the issues apply. I love it.

      I just found this site, either 2-3 or even 8 months after finding out (the truth took a while to come out fully). Again, I love it. Thank you. Thank you all, and thank you Elle!

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  9. Anon I SO loved your letter. I am SO glad you had a place to post it and she never gets to see it. She would not get it. I do. Others do. That is a masterpiece.

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  10. Anoymous and Elle,
    Seeing this letter to the ow in print helps me so much! It has most of what I would say to our crazy b:t(h! Thank you again Elle! Your blog has helped me and h have a really good conversation! We have finally discussed the whol truth and I feel like we can now concentrate on the future instead of living the nightmare of the past!

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    1. Theresa,
      That's great to hear. Once the details are out in the open, it's like we can move forward based on what we actually know, rather than what we suspect, or wonder about, or worry.

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    2. That is what your blog has taught me Elle! Once he told the details in order of a timeline the sex part was not the hurtful part. The emotional attachment was what I had misunderstood. He had spent an extra year in the affair keeping ow silenced as she grew more dependent on him. Once she spilled her 'truth' he felt relief that it was finally over. She would not let it be over for six more months of harrasment. That was when I thought his feelings for her were more important than mine. I was crushed by how he seemed fearful of saying hurtful things to her even though she was rubbing my nose in hurtful details of their 'passionate sex'. The day she went to jail was such a relief to both of us even though she continued to drive by our house. We have not seen her in a while so we hope she has finally come to grips that it is over! Now h and I are communicating and both of us feel we are making forward progress! Thank you for this blog!

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    3. Theresa I am so happy to hear that my letter has helped you, it helps me to know that it has helped not only me, but others.

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  11. I loved your letter too.

    I myself have written letters to both of the other sexual affair women but never mailed them. I didn't write a letter to the emotional affair woman. My h still periodically has contact with her but he cant stand her. She is presently divorced. For her this was an exit affair. The last sexual affair woman has moved back to her home state. They have no contact. She is also divorced, also an exit affair for her.

    The first sexual affair other woman from over 10 years ago from what I can tell is still married. I hate her the most. The other 2 I simply feel sorry for, since they wanted to trade in their husbands for mine instead of working on their own marriages. They both ended up divorced. But the first one feels different to me for some reason. I think my husband actually liked her as a person. Very early on after the sex started he says she started pushing for him to leave me. They fought about it a lot. Im sure their affair was intermittent, as it started when he worked with her but was leaving for another job, so he figured it would end. But it continued but was harder to keep up with him at another job. I recently asked him what made her finally give him an ultimatum. He said she felt guilty bc her husband had testicular cancer so she didn't want to keep going. Im sure my h would have though. When she gave him the ultimatum and he said no he wasn't divorcing me that was it for her. No contact from then on. I almost respect that. And although I periodically toy with the idea of telling her husband now that I know that piece of info I never will. He has enough tsouros (Yiddish for bad things, I think) in his life without my dropping this bomb on him). At least she came to some sort of crossroads when he got sick, although I would respect her more if she had ended it with my h at that point, not just gave him an ultimatum. I mean, what kind of bitch that if my h had said he would divorce me she would have left a husband with cancer (a very treatable one but still).

    Sometimes I feel like the more I find out, the less I actually understand about these affairs.

    I

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    1. I am glad to hear you read and liked my letter....I am so sorry to hear about the affairs you have endured. Your strength must be insurmountable. I honor your commitment to your marriage, in spite of the betrayal you have endured. I too feel that the more I find out, the less I understand....it is so painful to even try sometimes. Love to you sister.

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  12. Hi Everyone,

    First thank you for this space. I found out about my husband's affair 6 months ago. It went on for 11 months and life has been so difficult since I over heard him talking to her on the phone. I hate how much I trusted him. The excuses I came up with in my own head when things didn't seem right, the lies I believed. I wish I had found this site earlier but I'm grateful to have found it now and I just feel so grateful. I feel like I can let out this huge sigh that I've been holding in- to know I'm not crazy or over reacting. That my emotional ups and downs- loving and hating him, the rage, the grief and tears- like someone I loved has died - it's all normal.

    My husband and I are choosing to work on our marriage- he is trying to do everything right but he is a broken mess and there's so much hurt to muddle through. I have turned into this awful woman at times- raging, violent and condemning. He feels like no matter what he does it isn't enough, and he's right. I'm looking to feel secure, to understand but there is little understanding from my perspective - because so much of it has to do with his brokeness. And security feels like a far off hope.

    I still have so much hate for this woman- she's such a vile bitch. A sad excuse of a human. I want her far away from my husband but they work together although he has not seen her more than twice since I discovered the affair. I think she's been rejected enough to know she's been cast aside again and that he was just using her - as she was also using him, for vacations, expensive gifts etc.

    My heart hurts over the violations - he brought her to our home. To our bed when I was home visiting my dad who was hospitalized in the ICU. He took her on a date when I was helping my mom take care of him - the first weekend he came home. My dad is paralyzed now, In a wheel chair and diaper. That my husband- who is the only man I have ever been with, would do these things to me has shattered my heart. This is someone who has been in my life since I was 17.

    The fact that the whore bitch knew about my dad and personal things about my sex life with my husband kills me. She was so quick to inflict hurt when I called her out on being a slut- but really when I think about it- everything she said only shows that I'm a woman of character- yes I have family members that I love and actively help when they need it. When my husband says something about our sex like that he has issues with - I try to remedy it.

    I'm just sad- I feel so stuck in the sadness. I see the heart break in my husband but as much as I feel love and compassion I also feel anger and shame. I'm ashamed that this man is my husband. I'm disappointed in his choices, his weakness and stupidity.

    I also hate the person in me that has emerged at times- I'm a real bitch when I am crossed- the language, the words meant to wound, the physical violence towards my husband- I have added wounds to a man Already so wounded and broken but sometimes i can get past my own hurt in order to see his.

    I hate that it's such a long road, at 6 months in I'm already so weary. I will think I have turned a corner, only to go a bit further down and hit another wall. The spiraling down is emotionally exhausting- how could he have ever convinced himself that no one would get hurt.

    I'm relying completely on my faith to help me through this. There is no way I can navigate the destruction of my soul without trusting in Gods comfort and peace. I know I don't possess that strength on my own. He gave me wisdom to let family members know, to tell a few close friends so that I have support and rational, sane voices speaking into my life when everything, especially me, feels so insane.


    This site- Elle - you and the other woman give me hope. Thank you for it. It's been a balm to my broken soul. It gives me a chance to see the other side and faith that I can reach there- because this side sucks something real awful.

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    1. Lea,
      Everything you describe is normal, under the circumstances. I well remember feeling just so disappointed in my husband. I had believed in him. I couldn't believe he had let me down. I hated the OW. Hated that this had become my life. Felt, like you, that I was drowning in pain.
      Six months out probably feels like a lifetime but the pain is still so raw. At six months, I was barely upright. Still wishing I could die rather than endure this.
      If you've chosen to rebuild your marriage, you need to trust the healing process. Trust that you are strong enough. Trust that the sadness won't last forever. Trust that your husband can again become someone you respect and admire. It was through watching my husband work so hard to regain my trust, to become the man, as he said, I deserved all along, that I was able to fall in love with him again. Not in spite of his broken-ness but because of it. I could see the strength it took to stick it out with me. The character.
      I'm glad you've got the support of some family members and friends. Lean on them.
      But you'll begin to notice that, somedays, the clouds part and you're able to enjoy a bit of light. Relish that. Let it remind you that it's possible. And with time, more light will flood the darkness.
      You'll get there, Lea. You're stronger than you know.

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  13. Thank you so much Elle. I can't tell you how much of a support and resource this site has been for me. It is so helpful to have you and others who are further down the path help us who are still so raw in the pain navigate through it.

    I was wondering if you could help me with somethings. I Mentioned my husband and I are trying to work on our marriage. I have access to all emails, his phone, etc but there's a part of me that still wonders if there's an email account I don't know off, if he is deleting texts before I can see it etc. I know a lot of that is just having to trust and I do appreciate all the access he is giving me.

    My struggle seems to be more with him not getting my hurt. For example, all the half truths and out and out lies. On the trips that he took with her he would tell me it was work related- conferences or trainings. He would be honest about where he was but it had nothing to do with work and she was with him- sharing a bed. Also many times when he was telling me had work meetings, dinners or had to work late- when he was actually out with her.

    So recently he had some actual work meetings come up and I had a hard time with them. Yesterday, one of his coworkers had him and the other three people from their department over to discuss some issues they've been having at work. They're all guys- 2 of them know about the affair because I inisted someone at work know so I have someone to collaborate his stories with if I need. The other guy, who had them over, my husband told him on his own.

    My husband and I both put a tracking device on our phone so I knew he was at his coworkers home but he got there at 7:30pm. At 11:30pm he was still there- not one phone call or text that whole time. I ended up calling him and yelling over the phone.

    Even though I knew where he was and everything was legit. At home all I could think of was all the times I was here with just the kids or staying up waiting for him to come home after putting our kids to bed - believing he was occupied with work stuff when it was actually with her. I hate that he doesn't even have a thought to call me, to make sure I'm okay. That just because he is actually taking care of work he thinks everything is all right with me.

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    1. Dr. Fone is a program you download on your computer and plug his phone into. It will undelete all deleted texts and Facebook messages. It's how I caught my wonderful husband having a friend of ours over to the house for a romp before I got home from a trip.

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  14. He hasn't any idea how much of a wreck he has left my heart. How overwhelming all of this is. How I'm so easily brought back to all that hurt. I hate that he doesn't get the depth of his betrayal and how it affects me.

    Needless to say by the time he came home I was livid. I feel like his life is still so compartmentalized. He says the shame of the affair is always before him but what I need for him to have before him is the hurt he's caused. That it wasn't a thought in his head that he should excuse himself for a minute to call and say " honey, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm sorry this meeting is taking so long- I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I know me being away isn't easy. I wanted to check in and see if it's bringing up stuff for you" . That would have meant so much to me. But no- he's with his coworkers- it's all about work. Which I know is stressful, especially for him this week but it doesn't matter to me when he obviously had plenty of time to balance work and a whole separate life for 11 months.

    Once I started yelling and calling him a self absorbed fuckin jerk and other names, he laid down. I screamed that the conversation wasn't done. He said it was for him and I told him to go sleep in the other room or the night was just going to get worse for him and he did.

    He needs to work this morning so after I came home from a run. He was getting ready. I was talking to my daughter and he came down with a book of prayers that we have been doing together and we read that. He said bye and that he loved me and hoped I had a good day and then he left - no apology. No conversation about last night but that could be just because it's not a good time for it.

    I am in counseling. After months of having a number and playing phone tag- he finally has his first appointment with a sex addiction counselor later this week. He had been in rehab 3 years ago when he almost lost his job because he posted something on a sex chat with his employer's logo and the IT department saw it and Human Resources got involved - he would have lost his job, except his boss intervened on his behalf. It cost us 20 grand though and 3 years later we moved to a new place. He did try to put somethings in place to help him but everything fell through- I naively thought he was okay after rehab and was dealing with moving to a new place, missing great friends, busy with kids, but 7 months after we move he decides to have an affair. The whore paid him some compliment at work and when he needed her to follow up with something at work he gave her his personal number instead of his work and a couple of days later they're sexting and she's sending a picture of her ass in a thong- and soon after that they're funking in a stairwell at work.

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  15. Last week- he had to work late. He was craving Chinese food and asked if I could pick some up for dinner. I did and then he called to say he still couldn't leave work and could I drop the food off. When we got there my daughter asked if we could eat with him and he said sure he had some time.

    Being at his work place definitely brought up triggers but when the kids and I were leaving he walked us out and we passed a stairwell- that one really did me in.

    He knew I was upset when we left the hospital and sent a text while he was stuck at work. I waited up till 1 am for him to come but then fell asleep. He didn't get home until 2am. The next morning all he did was give me a hug when he woke up and then get up to send an email about work. He then came back up and asked me if I had gotten any sleep and then went to take a shower. Never once did he verbally acknowledge the pain I felt from the trigger the night before. I felt so hurt but again I hate that he didn't get it. He thought one text was enough to help with a trigger about where he first fucked her.

    I wish he would understand on his own without me having to spell it out for him. I want him to be aware of the depth of the hurt he caused and care.
    Do you have any advice to offer about this.

    It feels like my pain means nothing to him and I lose it - the anger is so much.

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    1. Lea,
      It's seems impossible that we need support and acknowledgement of our pain from the very person who caused it.
      You're not wrong to need support from him. But he just might not yet be a place where he can give you what you need. Until he can really work through his shame and his issues around sex, he's likely so triggered by your pain (and all the subsequent chatter in his own head about how he's a bad person, he caused this, etc etc.) that he freezes and just hopes it goes away. Part of the problem with healing from an affair is that the person who had the affair is a mess too...or they wouldn't have cheated.
      Your anger -- though justified -- might be emotionally shutting him down. I ran into this with my husband. My anger triggered his shame and he just became emotionally paralyzed. Couldn't hear me, couldn't respond. The more I needed him, the less available he was.
      Perhaps you two could find a time when you're both relatively calm to talk over what it is you need from him -- be specific, tell him exactly. Do you want him to text you every two hours if he's away? Do you want a quick phone call? Do you need him to acknowledge how difficult it is for you to go to his workplace? Tell him. Explain to him the value there is in pre-empting your pain. In acknowledging it BEFORE it feels as though it's being swept away. One comment, a simple "I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is for you." can go a long way.

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  16. Elle,

    Once again thank you. I have devoured this site enough in the last week and a half to know you have gone through so much in your life and are still experiencing hard situations. But while so many would have turned bitter about the cards dealt to them- you chose instead to take all the pain and still play a good hand. You have transformed your life into a refreshing breath of fresh air and you use your life to breathe hope into the lives of others with your honesty, openess and vulnerability.

    Instead of opting to turn cold and hard, you chose instead to become introspective, insightful, empathetic and gracious. The time, thought, wisdom and grace you put into each blog and response speaks to who you are, and you have to be so proud of the woman you are- I don't even know you and I'm filled with pride over how well you have walked this life given to you. I imagine God's heart puffs up with absolute joy over you.

    So, thank you once again for bringing a refreshing breath of fresh air to my life during a time when I could barely breathe because the air is so thick and heavy with heartache and pain. I hope one day to be a woman just like you- a woman who has mended her cracks with gold :)

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    1. Lea
      Just like you,, I have gained so much knowledge from this blog! I am learning to be patient and to really listen when h and I talk about this and everything else in our lives! There are no easy answers for dealing with the amount of pain a couple experience when rebuilding their marriage. One day a at a time and as Elle days to all of us over and over...time will make a difference! That and a true commitment from both partners!

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    2. Lea, you will be that woman. You already are that woman. But thanks for your kind words. You've no doubt noticed just how many amazing women are on this site, all willing to support each other and offer up compassion and their own lessons and strength. It takes a village!

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  17. Elle,

    I was wondering if you could share some practical ways that you showed compassion to your husband once you realized that he was truly remorseful and committed to rebuilding your marriage? Also, if you had any set backs with trust and how you may have handled that.

    I want to be compassionate because I see how broken my husband is and although I know nothing I did excuses his affair, I also realize that there were problems I ignored within our marriage. It breaks my heart to see his tears and shame over what he has done to our family.

    But despite all this, I still find it difficult to be compassionate even though I want to. It has been 9 months since D day. We have had some set backs that have pushed back my ability to trust him even further.

    At about 4 months the ow approached him at work with a personal problem. Before this she had stayed away from him at work once she learned I discovered the affair and made him end it. She is a hot head and no one at his job knows about the affair. When he tried to refuse the conversation she became angry, loud, and threatened to say that he was sexually harassing her at the work place. He has seniority over her at work and was worried that she would use this to her benefit against him.

    Of course during the course of their year long affair he sent her sexual emails,texts, videos and pictures of himself. I never knew he sent her these things until later, but it speaks to how gross and juvenile their relationship was.

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  18. He was concerned she would use these pictures and videos as evidence against him at work. He had deleted all the things she sent and had nothing to show the affair was mutual.

    Anyway, he managed to calm her down by giving some advice. A few days later though he was still anxious about her threats, afraid she would sink the whole career he had worked hard for and I had sacrificed for, and so he decided it was a good idea to make contact with her again by sending her an email following up about her problem. He says he wanted to make sure she wasn't upset and still thinking vindictively. The email came off as overtly friendly. He tells me that he hates this woman and then writes her a sweet email!

    I found out about it because during the affair she managed to somehow get my email from his phone. She held on to it and once she got the email from her husband, she then forwarded it to me as proof that my husband "cared for her and found her unforgettable".

    Naturally I felt destroyed all over again. The fragile bit of trust we had managed to rebuild vanished in a moment. I called my husband at work convinced the whole time that they were locked in his office going at it once again.

    He then told me about the contact at work and the threat. He said he was terrified to tell me because he didn't know how I would take it. If I would fall apart or fly into a rage. I know that I have been all over the place emotionally, and so I could even understand my husband's hesitation to tell me, but to see this friendly exchange between these two people who have annihilated my world without a thought killed me Elle.

    My friend's sister works at the same company as my husband. Neither one knows about the affair but I casually brought up the ow's name once to my friend's sister and asked if she knew her. She said she hoped the ow wasn't a friend and when I responded that I didn't know her, that my husband and I just ran into her in town one day. She replied by telling me not to let my husband get too close to ow.

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    1. Sounds like this ow is as desperate as the one my h was tangled up with. She also threatened him if he didn't 'meet up' with her one more time so she could 'see the truth' in his eyes about other affairs, which by the way was s lie I to her upon first contact with me. She was 'going to show up at the office with her windows painted with 'the cheater works here'! How childish! H did not meet up. Made her crazy mad she continued to the point that harrasment charges were filed and she went to jail. That ended contact and since then h and I can work on us. As far as a meet up to get things back I would say nothing is worth another encounter with my h ow! Yours may be different but ours is a crazy ow! Hugs to you! This is not an easy road to travel!

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    2. Anonymous,
      I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond. I've been out of town for a few days...and am heading out of the country for three weeks next week. Busy times.
      But...I really want to address your question about showing empathy -- and share in your frustration with this manipulative toxic OW. If I was your husband, I'd be inclined to fess up. Living with that fear that she'll expose him is no good for anybody. Can he find a similar career for another company? Sometimes it's worth taking a slight career hit to save your sanity. My husband had to confess to his new manager (he had just started at a new company). It was humiliating and terrifying. But ultimately was the best thing. My husband's assistant was disliked by the manager too so they offered her a package to leave. Money she made on her back, as I say, but it did get rid of her. My husband had to pay it but worth every penny.
      In any case, re. compassion: I don't know that I did anything in particular other than bite my tongue more often than I might have otherwise. I worked hard to not manage my husband's recovery (he was in Sex Addicts Anonymous) by telling him to go to more meetings, how was it going, etc. I tried to be a lot more affectionate -- I've never been a huggy person -- but I made sure to hug him when he came home, hold his hand when we walked, etc.
      I worked hard to empathize. I imagined how ashamed I'd be of myself if I'd done as he did. I listened to his stories -- that I was hearing for the first time -- of just how cold and judgemental his mother was (I'd always heard how "perfect" his family was, despite my own discomfort with them). In short, I gave him room to become a better man and faith that he could.
      Your husband screwed up royally. And to live like he's living -- in fear that this crazy OW has such power over him to ruin his life if he chooses -- must be hell.
      He absolutely created it with his stupid choice. And your own life is a greater hell, I know. But there's room for everyone's pain in this when we allow it. When you two can turn to each other for support and recognition of the other's suffering, then the real healing begins.

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  19. That she was the classic whore assistant who dressed to attract men's attentions and was always complimenting and coming onto the men in the firm. That because she was a bit higher up and worked directly with the more senior partners she felt entitled to treat many people at work like crap. She referred her frequently as a real bitch. That she was superficial and conniving, always trying to get the partners to include her in their business lunches and saying things like I hope your wife appreciates the kind of man she has in you. She said the ow used her obvious sluttiness as bait and she was sure many men at their work had bitten.

    My friend then basically broke my heart by telling her sister that I never had to worry about my husband though. That he loved me and our family too much and was much too smart not to see a whore as a whore. If only she knew just how deep my husband's stupidity fell and how easily, and for how long, he could forget about me and our kids when a whore in a tight skirt and low cut blouse was complimenting his clothes, and then a day later his ass in those designer clothes. He responded by admiring her ass in return and that night they were f*ing in his office. Oh and of course she's also a mom, 2 kids with 2 different last names and a husband who is in and out her life because she is so vile. She is the most basic kind of whore there is, though I'm sure she tries to convince herself differently by how much she gets men to spend on her.

    So from the conversation, I knew that the ow was awful and I was scared for my husband's job too. This is when he told me about sending her pictures and videos of his penis with sexually explicit texts to go along with them. I was a wreck not only because of the email but also because of his job security now. My husband works as a head lawyer for a large firm and although they hire whores they like their image to be one that is conservative and I know they won't put up with sexual harassment claims that could taint their reputable name.

    I still find it so hard to get past the email, the friendliness of it, his lack of judgement, him not telling me and having to find out from her. I feel like he doesn't see me as a partner, I know I'm emotionally frail and impulsive but we would have been working together and the ow would have been the enemy. Instead, I feel like he once again chose to line himself with her and her craziness and again shut me out- the betrayals keep coming and they still sting so bad.

    We are now a couple months past that and I know my husband is committed to me. I see how manipulative this person was and what kind of power she held over my husband. I hate that he is so weak with her but I know we are working hard to move forward. I feel like I'm in a place to show him grace again but I'm not sure how to do it. There's a constant voice in my head reminding me of his lack of judgement, lies, etc. How can I get past all of that and what substantial things can I do to show him love and compassion?

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    1. You cannot show compassion until contact with the OW is eliminated and kept to a minimum, only when necessary at work. There is still too much turmoil going on for you to be able to show compassion. Your husband will always be worried about his job because she has proof of office time in which they were both working on each other at the work place. There are still three of you in the marriage and plenty of lies/secrets still simmering. He needs to find a new job or come clean with his boss so the OW doesn't have a foot hold in your marriage. Your husband needs to get from under this woman's thumb for good. What matters most to him you or his job? Forget the stuff, it is just stuff and you matter more than stuff or should to him. He might lose his marriage and he worried about stuff. Sit down together and make a plan with realistic expectations on how to deal with this vile OW. Explore all the outcomes but your husband is going to have to deal with this sooner or later. and the outcome for him might not be what he wants. He made the choice, he needs to own up and face the consequences because YOU are worth it. He is using the avoidance tactic which hardly ever works in a marriage.

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    2. Anonymous,
      My brother is also a lawyer and I know many, many lawyers. He is NOT the first guy in that firm to make such a stupid mistake.
      And she can only file sexual harassment charges if she's got some evidence. I suspect she'll have tough time with that.
      I wouldn't be surprised that, if he went to one of the partners with his problem, they would help him. Or at the least, be aware of the situation if she sends any more threatening texts. Worse case scenario, he leaves the firm. I hope he'll consider telling his secret. It would completely remove any leverage she had over him. Embarrassing yes. But it can't be worse than what he's going through now, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

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  20. After 28 months, my mood has mellowed a little. My anger and violence seems to be subsiding although it shows its face every so often.

    TRUST. When I trusted him I ignored all the things that I know now was so obvious. Now the trust has gone, I pick up on things and think I have a gut feeling but put them down to over reacting. Silly things like he never seems to have any change anymore. Is he using a phone booth. He can't chance another off the counter phone and differently can't use his iphone! these are what got him caught.
    I once called him and I now know that he was on his way to meet her. My voice and talking to me didn't get him out of the spell. When I found him with the other phone and he had a fight with my then 18 year old Son didn't get him out of the spell. Only her Husband finding out (through me) stopped them. Stopped the spell. and yet today he says it is the biggest mistake of his life, to the day he dies he will wish it didn't happen. he says I was stupid. He had no feelings for her.
    TRUTH. I read on here all the time about Husbands 'owning up'. I was first told lies, he said he thought that it what was what I expected to hear. That way I would shut up and not 'grill him' (his words) anymore. He now says that they were lies and retold the story differently. No wonder I am a wreck. He has totally played with me and my head.
    LIES. when he doesn't want to tell the truth he says he can't remember. I know he can. So now looking back, if it meant nothing why can't he just sit with me and talk and tell me the truth. Are they things that I'm not never meant to know. Because he meant them when he said or text them to her. Is it his shame
    After 28 months should I 'shut up and put up' if I am going to stay with him. When some one want talk after this length of time should I just be getting on with it and forget the little bits.

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    1. Jane,
      years ago I dated a guy that I was nuts about. Completely crazy about him. Thought we were "soul-mates". Our breakup was epic. A few years ago -- he's married, I'm married -- he's visiting my city and calls to invite me (and my husband) out for dinner. My husband is completely uninterested in going and trusts me completely. Me, curious, goes. I still thought of him as an old friend.
      He was boring. He was self-absorbed. He was rude. He'd always been those things but I was so caught up in being "in love" with him way back when that I never saw it. And of course, we'd had some good times too. I had felt special that he'd liked me because he didn't like many people.
      My point is...sometimes we see what we want to see. And then the veil is lifted and we see what's really there and we wonder how the hell we could have been so stupid.
      Try and calmly explain to your husband that you know it's difficult for him to talk to you about the affair because it brings up all sorts of feelings of shame and guilt and embarrassment. Most of us avoid those feelings like the plague. But the price of his silence is your fear. Your anxiety. Your pain. If he could share some of the affair with you, it pulls you onto the same team. It pulls you more into this world. It will hurt. But in the long run, it will reduce your pain.
      If he can't or won't, then you've got to decide just how badly you need to know and how far you're willing to push. I'm so long out that I honestly could care less what happened. I know what I need to know. He cheated. Asshole. ;)

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  21. 5 month, 8 days since D-day...and I am falling apart all over the place. Thoughts of the OW, the triggers and putting together things never leave my head. The hurt and fear are never gone. He and I are together and he just doesn't want to deal with my agony. He constantly asks what I'm thinking or if I'm upset and I lie because he will get agitated if I tell him the truth. I took the fantastic link that Elle posted recently to another post of mine which was a really good way of explaining why me being a shell of a human doesn't discount the fact we are both on board to work it out and stay together. I re-wrote it, using my situation and words and read it to him at a carefully chosen time. He grew agitated because he just...tra-la-la....wants to move on past. I told him I was sorry I had even tried and started to catch the corner of the letter on fire on the stove burner when he snatched it out of my hand and took it off somewhere. Will any of that get another thought, another read? SO, I found an article that I believe Elle also posted a link to. It's called "Dealing with your loyal spouse." It is a fantastic explanation from a guy's perspective about how crazy I really am and how he has to acknowledge and deal with it...or... Since there is never, ever, ever, a good time... and given the reaction of my letter, I haven't given it to him yet. I have to keep hearing about ALL the GOOD THINGS we have coming up and to look forward to and that I need to focus on the future, not on the past. I'm not focusing on the past; the past has nearly killed me... The aftermath,...tra-la-la..., doesn't magically disappear into the ether cause we're all happy horse-shit now. I hate him. I hate that whore.

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    1. Anonymous,
      You mentioned something that stuck out for me. You want him to listen to you and you want him to do it with empathy and compassion. And I absolutely understand that. He just might not be capable of that right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't have to listen to you. It just means that you can't manage how it makes him feel. You may have to allow him to feel agitated and uncomfortable and squirmy and avoidant. You may have to do it in small doses. It's completely unfair that you can't count on him to be the bigger person and reassure you and say all the things he should be saying, like how lucky he is that you're even considering giving him the chance to prove that he can be a better man. Thing is, if he was in a good emotional space, he wouldn't have had the affair. If he had his shit together, he wouldn't have had the affair. You're dealing with the affair likely because of his inability to sit with his own feelings.
      Leave him with the letter. Don't ask him if he's read it. Focus on your own healing. Get a counsellor if you don't already have one. Find a safe place to vent. And then...wait. If you don't see any evidence that he's starting to really get this, to understand just what he's done and why it's so hard for you, then figure out what you do next. But for now, you've given him the letter. Let him absorb it. Back off for a bit -- I KNOW how hard that is -- and see if any of it starts to sink in with him.

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    2. Elle, your advice is so good. You're suggestions about how I was handling trying to drag out of him what I needed and that there are different approaches had not dawned on me, because of my anger and pain... I felt he owed it to me because I'm in great pain... I took that article about dealing with your loyal spouse and did just what you suggested. I was in the car with him after another tense lunch when I told him I was putting this article in his glove compartment, that I felt it explained a lot of things from a different perspective. I told him he could read it or not and I wasn't even going to ask about it. Later, he told me he'd read most of it and was going to go back re-read it more carefully. We haven't talked about the article as such, but a lot has changed in just the last few days. I realized the questions I had about what happened when and all that, really boiled down to: Was it romantic? Does he think fondly of any of their time together? Would he go back to her had we not stayed together? Does he miss her or anything about her? He was uncomfortable, but finally was able to give me some answers that helped get that slut out of my head quite a bit. I was obsessing incessantly about her even though she's not in the picture. He finally realized that the my imagination was often much worse than the truth. I don't want him thinking about her. He doesn't want to think back on that time as he was very depressed and stressed. For the first time in 5.5 months I feel some better! We have a long way to go, but this has been an important thing for our future and now...tra-la-la, maybe I truly be happy about our future without such a heavy gray shroud over my life. Thank you...

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    3. It has been 3 yrs and I was doing pretty good. Getting use to living on my own but felt unable to move on. I decided to proceed with divorce. When divorce papers were delivered to him, suddenly he doesnt want a divorce and They both have decided to try and put there marriages back together. She was his high school sweetheart and they reconnected on facebook. They were both having health problems and could console and understand each other. They had this connection. Anyways now he wants to get back together. I go visit him in our old home and its really sad and rundown. He is living there with our son and she lives on the other end of the country. There thing started out emotionally online, texts and calls and became a meet once every 3 months to Hook up. He will wait for her until her daughter is old enough to understand wht mommy is leaving. Anyway I come back just to see how I feel towards him and he's shut down. I dont feel he wants me back for the right reasons and he still wants to be friends with the bitch. Can you believe that! Thinks its ok if they just talk online or email! I tell him I cant accept that. He doesnt understand how painful this has been for me and does not want to dwell on the past but look to the future. He knows he made a mistake but our marriage was in trouble before it happen, he says. My problem is, I have so many good memories of our life together, 24yrs. and dont want to lose the family connection. I son is still at home, husbands home now, and he is struggling to grow up. He was 18 when I left so I have some guilt issues and believe if I was there every day I could help him. Before I left my husband I knew we were drifting apart and kept saying to myself, I only need one more yr. with my son to help him and then we could work on our marriage. Well I never got that yr. I do still love my husband but I dont feel he is really committing to this marriage by still wanting to be friends with OW.

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  22. I have just recently joined this blog and I'm so glad I did! I feel so alone sometimes.

    Here we go: my husband had an affair back in May. I was contacted by the other woman because she was doubting his story of being separated because she peeked at my Facebook and he was very much married and with me. Needless to say, I blew up and not at her but at him. She provided a lot of info because she felt terrible and didn't want to be a "homewrecker" because I guess the same happened to her. She was actually really nice, which is just odd to me. There was no physical contact except meeting in person once for coffee, the rest was online on some meeting site, phone calls and text with photos (sexual of course). Long story short, I got my answers out of him (even though I don't like them and don't believe some of them) and we are trying to rebuild our marriage because I still want to be with him and he says that it was such a stupid mistake and wants to be with me. It's actually more like he's trying to prove that he will never be unfaithful again and I'm trying not to kill him lol. He IS trying though. I made some demands after screaming at him, that I think I had every right to do. I blocked "adult" content from his phone line (I'm head on the account yay!), and I told him that I would like to be able to look on his phone whenever I wish because there shouldn't be a lock on it anyways. Also for him to tell me who he talks to because when I look at his phone records, I should know everyone on it and not have to ask who this one is or who she is. So far so good on his end but there's a problem on my end. I can't get this affair out of my head. It creeps in while he's at work or whatever and all the feelings come back. I'm sick of thinking about it! I'm glad that I know about it but when does it stop haunting me? My husband says that in order for us to move on, I need to let it go and stop thinking about it. I would love too! I have accepted this unfortunate event and would like to move on. How do I let go and get it out of my head?

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    1. You won't ever forget it, but time will help you grow around it.

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    2. Time usually does ease the pain. My D day was December 2013. My biggest unexpected meltdown came right around the 5 month mark. I had been doing so "well" But just because you have a meltdown does not mean you are regressing. It's just a step back and you can continue to move forward. My last huge meltdown was about a year to the day after D-day.

      Do the thoughts ever truly go away? For me, no. But like a death, you learn to leave with it and it becomes part of your history, but does not overtake your present.
      believe it or not it does get easier. the meltdown aren't so harsh, the things you know are not as painful. The triggers are farther apart and not a huge.
      Random Thought's words ring really true. You grow around it. I love that.
      Yes, how can it not be a part of you? But so many things, so beautiful can grow in you, that they might not take the place of the pain, but they will outpace the pain.

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    3. Oh my god, I love these guys who just KNOW that we could get past this if we just "let it go" and "forget about it". Like we're consciously trying to live in agony. Give me a break.
      He violated your trust. That is no small thing. Doesn't matter that nothing happened. He violated your trust. He showed you that he is not to be trusted. Not right now, anyway.
      A trust violation is a huge thing, incidentally. It changes how we see the world. It feels unsafe. Our marriage feels unsafe. Our partner feels unsafe. Until you work through that -- and it generally takes longer than five months -- you're going to feel triggered. He could help you a LOT if he were to stop insisting you should be "over" it. By minimizing what he's done, he's actually contributing to your sense of unsafety, your uncertainty about him. He's showing you that he doesn't completely get it and is, therefore, vulnerable to doing it again.
      You will get through this but it takes WAY longer than any of us ever imagined. And he can help by educating himself about just how devastating affairs are, whether physical, emotional or virtual.

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    4. Thank you Random Thoughts, your comment really spoke to me. "Grow around it" makes so much sense and I feel a little silly that I actually thought there was a way to "deleting" it from my brain lol.

      Steam, yes I suppose this does become part of my history. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? Time does heal but I think it will be more on the side of dragging time for me lol. Maybe this will make our marriage stronger later or break it, time will tell.

      Elle, exactly! I don't want to think about it all the time and him telling me that I just have to "let it go" really doesn't help. I am not Elsa lol. The thing is, he had been cheated on in the past so he knows how this feels. I think that he believes if I "dwell" on it, he will be proving himself and I will be too busy with the past to notice that it's getting better if that makes sense. On a good note, we have discussed counseling for me and he has agreed to go with to work on our marriage. Will he actually go, I don't know but we shall see....

      Delete
  23. Just returning from a wonderful short vacation with my husband.  A mountain stay which included long quiet hikes and time to just be together.  It was our unspoken time to "paper over" last August, the time of my husband's descent into hell.    We are better, we are stronger.

    I wanted to write because while sitting in the lodge, watching younger couples with their children, I saw myself in the young mothers trying to make everything perfect, mothering to the extreme, making such efforts to present the perfect wife, the perfect family. Oblivious to the possibilities and obstacles that may eventually appear in the road ahead. I was struck with so much sadness for what is surely in store for some of these women and men.  I saw these women who are so confident in their partners and I truly felt sorry for them and found myself saying a silent prayer for them, for strength.  I felt compelled to pass them a note or whisper to them "someday you might be tested, you might question your worth, you might be forced to make decisions you never thought possible, but dont worry, when the time comes you will find the strength to get through it.  You are enough, you are strong enough."  Obviously, I didnt, can you imagine the responses I would have received?

    Will I ever look at another couple and not wonder about their future?  Will I look at every man and wonder what he is capable of? Will I ever stop feeling this cynical?  Or is it part of who I am now?

    Just some thoughts.....

    .... we are better and we are stronger.  Keep moving forward ladies, one way or another, there will be light.

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    Replies
    1. RT,
      Yep, I've thought the same thing many times. But you put it so eloquently. Thank-you for that. This does change how we see the world. But instead of changing our lens into one of bitterness, we can see through a lens of compassion. So many of us are just doing our best and thinking that will somehow save us from pain.

      Delete
  24. PART 1 - Update: I can't remember when I shared my story originally- maybe back in April or May, I'm not sure. You all gave great advice and I wanted to let you know what I've been up to.

    Short recap: my husband and I have been married for a year. He cheated on me for about 1.5 yrs before we were married with strangers (biological women and transsexual women) he met online on sex sites and apps. He said that had all stopped about 6 months before we were married. I found out about the apps/sites 10 months before we were married, but he lied and said nothing was ever physical (cyber and text/phone only) until I got him to admit 6 mos before our wedding that it had been physical and he had met ppl in person for sex. I was in shock and counselors pushed me to get over it. I didn't know what to do and felt numb. I had stuff monitoring his computer and phone that he knew about. I think he hoped that would help him curb these high-risk (and maybe gay) urges that he has. After we were married, he also started raging at me. It'd range from every 2 weeks at the least, sometimes stopping for up to 2 months, and sometimes he'd go off on me multiple times in a day.

    Starting around April/may (about 10 months into our marriage), I finally came out of shock, stopped going to the unhelpful counselors, and realized that I didn't think that I could ever get over or be okay with being married to someone who cheated on me as he did, who probably has an unhealthy obsession with porn and high-risk sex, who lied so so much to me, who is probably closeted about being gay, and who has rages to the point of verbal/emotional abuse. I finally had an emotional response to how he'd mistreated me. I was depressed for a bit and unable to work, but I made sure to get out for trips with my gfs and to just take some time for myself. I stopped letting him touch me at all- I was just too disgusted by all hed done and by how much he'd intentionally betrayed and mistreated me.

    The next time that he went off on me, called me a name (which was new, he hadn't done that before), and cussed at me, despite me asking him to stop, I told him I wanted to separate.

    ReplyDelete
  25. PART 2: For logistical reasons, it ended up so nobody could move out right away or as soon as I'd wanted. I finally kicked him out of my bed and my bedroom and he went to the couch. I returned to getting amazing sleep. Turns out that I wasn't depressed and didn't have a sleeping problem, he was the problem. 

    In the weeks after I told him I wanted to separate, he admitted much more to me that he'd been lying about before. He admitted that he had physical contact and sex w trans women while he was with me, that he had sexual contact (oral I think) with multiple men anonymously in college, he admitted that he didn't stop cheating when I first found out about the sex sites. He only supposedly stopped months later after I forced him to admit he'd cheated physically. Just more and more lies revealed- almost 2 yrs after the first dday. Who knows if he'd ever stop lying or what all he had done/is doing. Confirmed that I needed at least a separation. 

    He still wanted to work everything out and stay married, but his rages got worse during this period. He became more unreasonable even as I was giving him more and asking less of him (in separation logistics discussions). I wasn't sure if/when I'd move toward divorce, but I just needed at least a cpl mos apart to clear my head and return to getting work done.

    But He started calling me more names and yelling at me to leave and get out and saying that he wanted to see me struggle on no money. Then trying to apologize and hug me and saying to please ignore what he said, that he only said it because he was so stressed by the separation. Well none of that was okay with me. I can't be treated like that and especially not by my husband. I talked to friends and family and got a financial plan and support for leaving asap. They were amazing.

    Then, one day after one of his blowups, when I looked into how to finalize the separation plans, I realized that divorce was in the same courthouse, so that day I decided to file for divorce, did the paperwork, and filed on that same day.

    ReplyDelete
  26. PART 3: I didn't tell him that I'd filed for divorce and thought that I'd wait a few months after separation to figure out proceeding. But he continued to treat me worse. He was still escalating and he knew my move-out date was coming soon. One night I finally was scared. I figured out how to leave the next day and didn't come home. I went back when he wasn't there to move my stuff out. He kept contacting me and trying to whine about how unfair I was by not cleaning the apt more when I moved out and he would not respect my wishes for distance for two months after we separated as he'd agreed that he would before. I was trying to get settled, return to work, recover emotionally, but he still didn't care or act like it and was so self-absorbed he was fine derailing that from afar.

    So I blocked him. He doesn't know where I live and he can't contact me by phone. Emails from him go straight to archive and get forwarded to one of my friends who sees when I seem ready to hear it and tells me if he says anything relevant (he doesn't). The morning after I blocked him, I decided to give him the divorce papers and proceed with that instead of waiting. He is still trying to make things work with me, but I can't do that to myself anymore- I am working on my life.

    A few of my kinda friends who are in his circles who I hadnt been telling about much of this contact me now, concerned. He doesn't tell them what he's done and I won't go to those group events anymore to avoid seeing him. I tell them pretty much everything except the gay/trans part. I've been talking to my own friends/family most of this time and it is so so helpful to talk to friends instead of only counselors. Sometimes counselors can be too invested in the marriage and love and not enough in what I need to be safe and feel safe.

    It's been a couple weeks since I moved out, blocked him, and served him. Ladies, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, I am so so happy, I am getting work done. Every morning that I wake up in my small, cramped, box-filled apt, I smile like a little girl who got a pony for Christmas. Thanks for the advice that helped me to get here. And I hope you all find happiness one way or another too if you haven't already. 

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lola,
      A huge congratulations to you for putting yourself absolutely first and not listening to counsellors who, for reasons I can't fathom, did NOT have your interests at heart. I'm so glad to hear that you've escaped from such a hell. And I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But it sounds as if you've emerged with gratitude and wisdom and joy. Thank-you so much for checking back in to let us know how you're doing. Yay you!!!

      Delete
  27. Almost 4 months since the discovery day, and he is saying all the right things ... But her number is still in his contact details on his phone, there is a memo of the "first" text message when it all began (all other texts and emails have been deleted), and he wrote her a piece of music, which he still has. Am I being heavy handed to insist these all be deleted?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you ask him to delete them? Did you ask him if he is going through withdraw from the fake high an affair leaves cheaters with? I have been reading the posts on cheaters anonymous site and can't believe how many cheaters have withdraw from the OW but want to save their marriage. UGH

      Delete
    2. Anon, he's not sure that he actually wants to end it. He's trying to keep mementos of his affair and disregarding what you're asking. That's bs.

      You are really questioning whether it is too much to ask him to delete her number, delete their first text, and trash or throw away some song he wrote for her?! He's playing mindgames and seriously winning. What's next? He's allowed to talk to Her, see her, and keep cheating?

      Look at what he does, not what he says. This is not okay if you want monogamy. He doesn't seem to want monogamy.

      Delete
  28. It's been 2 and a half months since D-day. On my 9 year old autistic son's birthday, I discovered a text on my husband's phone from a woman saying she loved him. My husband had been having an emotional affair for about 2 years with a woman he worked with. He claims it wasn't sexual, although they kissed once. They met up for lunch, coffee, work dinners or drinks. Saw each other every day. The sheer amount of texting and emailing is staggering. It would take me a lifetime to get through it all. (And that only goes back a year.) He bought her a cashmere scarf for Xmas and expensive tiffany earrings for her last bday. He's been going to individual therapy for over 10 years and we've begun martial therapy (3x so far). I'm just at such a low point. Despite having lost 30 lbs on account of this, my self esteem is shot. I feel so low, so sad, so invisible. Although he's remorseful and professes his love for me, I don't know if I can get past this. They professed their love so often, so poetically, so emphatically; there is no combination of words in the English language that they didn't use. There is no way for him to tell me that he loves me that he didn't already use with her. He gave everything, all of his love to her and left nothing for me. They spoke so often about everything that all aspects of my life are triggers of thoughts of them together. I just feel so hopeless even though I love him. I don't see how I can ever have a love that is just mine. I don't see how he can ever make me feel beautiful. I don't see how he can ever make me feel special or unique.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Karen, I am so sorry. I know it's overwhelming, I know you are devastated. These feelings are universal to the betrayed. Take your time, feel your way through it to what's best for you. Remember that the fault is his, not yours. Talk to the women here, they are a wealth of information and support. Little by little, time and support will help you find your way. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi

    I am so grateful for this blog and all the comments. I feel like I am not all alone in my struggles.

    It’s been almost 5.5 months since D-Day. I suspected for 3 months something was going on, and finally had the courage to confirm it and confront him. It was 2 months before out 20th anniversary. I never imagined it could happen. We had a friend who cheated on his wife a few years back. He learned about it while traveling and was crushed and in disbelief. This same man turned around and had an affair (both physical and emotional). When I confronted him, I mentioned this, and asked him “how could he do the same”. He said he thought it was ok since everyone was doing it. I think he even said the OW said it was ok because everyone is doing it. (He now denies he said that about the OW, which just pisses me off.) I logically asked him, if he thought his two best and closest friends would think the same way. That put things into perspective. He didn’t have words.
    He said he would leave and had every intention of supporting me and the kids. This made me think he wanted to leave. I asked him what he wanted to do. He didn’t know. I told him, if he left, he needed to understand that we would have to sell the house, and I and the children may not be able to stay in the area. (Rent for a 1 bedroom is currently $3500-$4000 a month.) It didn’t seem like he thought of any of this. He’s clueless of the cost of living here or of any of our expenses. I take care of the bills and expenses, and everything kid related. Clueless.
    Prior to this, I noticed he hadn’t been sleeping well but work was busy and he had been traveling over 100K in 6 months. He used to fall asleep in the couch while I still was up and getting things cleaned up and getting stuff ready for the next day. Some days, I would still be up helping my kid with homework. That’s when I noticed starting in Dec, he was staying up later, or on his ipad or phone a lot. Now, I know it was to text or send messages to the OW.

    We talked all night, and at some point everything hit him like a wall, he seemed to be remorseful. He wanted to cancel his trip that he had the next morning. I told him he shouldn’t, it would affect his job, and I also knew I need physical time away from him. The next evening, he called and told me he had ended it, but had received an email from the OW saying she wanted to commit suicide. I told him I didn’t really care what she did, and I asked him why he didn’t just block her. He said he didn’t know how. Idiot. I told him just list her as SPAM.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Part 2:
    The OW is an old girlfriend from when he was 18. I knew of her, he had told me about her early on when we dated. She had broken his heart. This was someone that could have reached out to him 5 years after the break up when they were in the same city again. Instead about a couple of years ago, so 25 years later they reconnected via Facebook through mutual friends. When she was in town, 2 years ago, they met for dinner, and I didn’t go. I vaguely remember his going to the dinner, but I don’t remember him telling me it was with Her. He swears he told me and I told him to go, “I trust you”. This will be one of my biggest regret. Sometime between then and about 2 years ago, he learned her first marriage ended in divorce, and shed also ended an engagement too. She had attempted suicide and had been into cutting. She’s now currently engaged to someone 6 years her junior. The night I confronted him, and knew who it was, I lashed out at him. I told him how stupid do you think I am. You don’t think I know that she came to you now saying “you were the one that got away”. Think about it, to her your life is ideal . Work is going well, you have a ‘happy’ home life (she has no children) and she’s miserable, so what does she do. Go after what seems to be ideal to her? Her friends warned her to stay away, and yet, she didn’t. She told him while on that business trip both were on literally “he was the one that got away”. Apparently, I was right on the nose without hearing any of it from him. And he fell for it. The night of the confrontation, he said he felt like it was his turn. He had the upper hand. Not sure what happened to all thoughts of family went.

    I also told him later that he didn’t tell me she was going to be in Singapore before he left for this trip. His lame response, “I didn’t know anything would happen”. My response, “you wanted something to happen so you didn’t tell me. If you had told me, you knew I would have asked about it, and you would have been accountable for your actions”. The fact is, you didn’t tell me she was going to be there, and that is wrong.

    It’s 5 months later, and I still get anxious when he’s texting and traveling. Some days I feel extreme anger too. Mainly I feel empty, sad and lonely. He went to individual therapy twice. From it, he reasoned the affair was about fantasy (no responsibilities), had the attention he felt he wasn’t getting at home, etc. He felt he didn’t need to go any more after that. I’ve asked him since “Why”, and “what did she offer that you didn’t get from me”? He doesn’t know. I asked him, what makes you think you won’t do it again, if you don’t know. We have not been to couples therapy. I tried to schedule it, he hasn’t come back with a date or time. I still go just to clear my head.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Part 3
    I can see he is trying and makes an effort. I feel resistant his efforts, especially since transparency doesn’t seem to be there as much as I like. After I ask him, how do I really know if he hasn’t been in touch with her since, he asked if giving me his p/w will help, but he hasn’t given them to me yet. I recently gave him all of mine, but no response. He asks if he should quit his job (so the traveling stops), I said that would only make him resent me, so no, I don’t want him to quit.
    In May and June, I let him know our kids were away either at camp or with my sister for a week in the summer. He even had it in his calendar. I planned time away for us, but he didn’t seem that enthused or really into it. He even had his parents come during part of the time the kids were away for a week. He was oblivious then too. In fact, the last day before the kids were to return, he scheduled to depart on his trip. He claims he didn’t know the kids didn’t return until evening. Again, I tell him I told him and the kids flights are on his calendar. I felt at this point he was avoiding time alone with me. So, right before his parents left, I told him once his parents left, I was going to stay somewhere else for a couple of nights until he left and the kids came back. He was surprised by this and didn’t understand why I would do that. I had to explain again, that I felt like I was the only one trying and I was done trying. It only makes me feel worse. I planned time for us to be alone and it didn’t seem like it was a big thing to him. His response was lame. He didn’t know the kids were coming back late Saturday, and he thought everything between us was ok. I told him things aren’t normal. My whole world disappeared only 4 months ago. Everything I knew to be true was gone. I continued and told him, I didn’t want him to stay in the marriage because he felt he had to. He didn’t need to stay out of obligation or duty. I told him not to worry I would never keep the children from him and he would have time with them too. He didn’t seem to understand that this was not just going to go away “just like that”. He asked that I stay and that he would plan dinner for us later that week.

    Since then, I have fallen apart on him a couple of more times. At one point, I yelled at him and said even though I wasn’t happy at how things were between us, I didn’t give up on us. I didn’t leave the marriage. Another conversation, I explained he needed to understand boundaries. I know of a former co-worker, who is married and just had a baby, that texts him. When I mentioned her, he was confused about who I was talking about. When he realized, he said, she texts to tell me about the baby and how are our kids doing. (A few years back, we had met her and her at the time fiancé for dinner with our kids.) So I told him, he needs to understand friendships between men and women are tricky and that he needs to have boundaries.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Part 4

    Since then, he said he’s done some reading (what, I don’t know), but read it would take at least 2 years. I hope he doesn’t think it’s some magical timeframe. Soon after, he said he had a trip to Singapore and was leaving on Fri. Knowing that’s where the affair started, I didn’t want to be home, so I told him I might take the kids and go away that weekend. He was surprised and said that he felt left out. I explained I didn’t want to be home over the weekend when he was in Singapore, and he asked why. I calmly explained it was trigger, since that’s where the affair started. He was surprised by my answer and didn’t say anything. I did plan something and he tried to help but I ended up canceling since there was too much that needed to be done for the kids before school started. He’s been very attentive while on his trip, making sure to text, call and facetiming too.

    Meanwhile, I can’t stop reading everything I can, even 5 months later. I have mixed feelings about everything. Do I stay and continue to work on this marriage. Or do I turn our lives upside down… I feel like the weight has been put on my shoulders. He’s going through a rough time at work, so I feel obligated to be supportive. Part of me feels numb to it all. Sleep is also hard. When he’s home, I have a hard to time falling asleep, so I stay up and get annoyed that he can sleep. In fact, he sleeps more than ever and is always tired. I get agitated the longer I’m up and can’t sleep. And then, when I can fall asleep, I have a hard to staying asleep. I get exercise and eat….try to be involved with the kids, but I feel removed from life. I can’t concentrate and can’t retain what I read. I’m mentally exhausted. I’m numb, but feel pain all at the same time. I feel STUCK! How do I move on?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Lovely Karen, sounding cliché, feeling special and unique starts within you. When one [and I insert my name here] receives value/worthiness from others, its a setup to cause personal heartbreak. I have been in therapy 18-months working through my 'stuff' to walk out on the other side of his choice to fuck a co-worker.

    The difference between my situation and yours is my husband had no emotional attachment - it was just sex. I can feel your despair via your words and it makes me sad.

    I encourage you to seek individual therapy and discover your value. Therapy is not speedy. Time is necessary to work through the trauma/drama of any betrayal [sexual or emotional] and the baggage we bring.

    Add an autistic child to the situation. Who pats you on the back and says 'good job Karen - take a few days for your self.' Just guessing - and I apologize in advance as I don't intend to offend - with a special needs child your attention is focused on his needs. If your husband felt ignored then shame on him for not making your relationship easy or special.

    My husband never tells me I am pretty, or smart, or unique. He's a passive/aggressive borderline narcissist - an asshole. But 43 years into this marriage, I decided to work on me and know I am pretty, smart, and unique and I don't require his assurance of what I now understand. It is not an easy path. Make sure you want to walk it. Life is too short to be sad.

    Big hug Lovely Karen!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I would agree with the above poster Anonymous. My husband has no deep feelings for anybody which means that having sex is just a "function" of pleasure rather than an expression of any love or deep emotional attachment.

    I saved myself quite a pile of money and time instead of sitting in a therapists office by deciding for myself that HE was the problem rather than what HE thought of me, my value, or the nature of what was supposed to be our commitment. I know where I stand in God's Eyes...that is good enough for me regardless of my husband's opinion contrary to this.

    Even IF my husband tells me I am pretty, smart, wonderful, sexy, loving ect...what is the value of THAT as far as HE is concerned if he continues to think or feel for other women in the same way...what compliment is THAT if he is giving all those compliments to others too? If he buys me flowers...but then buys another woman flowers who he fancies behind my back...what value were the ones that I received coming from the likes of HIM?

    My dignity and self respect mean more to me by getting my personal affirmation from God than from any man. If my husband cannot conclude that I am worth his being faithful to, then he can take a hike.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I haven't written on this board for a long time. It's been 21 months since D-Day. The pain and hurt are much less but they have not gone away. Rather than pay a counselor I chose religion/faith and have received a lot of personal support and hope (I had a hard time finding the right counselor, and my husband didn't want to go anyway). We have not rebuilt anything, rather we are just muddling thru life. Things are good, fine as he says, but it's very superficial. We do not have sex. His choice...when I try lately, he's uninterested. If I try to talk, he shuts down and then it's an argument because I'm angry about this. I realize now that when I found out, I should have left. Instead, I stayed and believed him about how he wanted a different marriage, etc. I now realize he is not capable of being any different. If this didn't change him, nothing will. I am over 60 yrs old, 2nd marriage and I just don't have the energy to start over now. This took a lot out of me! My life is fine, I'm comfortable but there's no love, sex or intimacy. And then there's still that deep hurt that doesn't go away. It'll always be there but doesn't rule me. Just an update for those who read the posts. Seems life after infidelity plays out so differently for us all.
    J.

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    Replies
    1. Hi J, I am 62 - my D day occurred two years ago. I relate to your situation. I am comfortable and provided for but like you, intimacy is absent. We have sex, but it's an action of relief. We both agree we should have split 15-years ago but here we are. Semi-retired and little in common. So now what. My therapist says without a plan of where I want to be in two years I may be a sad person as my spouse is incapable of intimacy. Like you, we are muddling. I have single friends in their 60's whom say they are happy being single because of the baggage men in our age group bring with them. I get it. But here I am. We are preparing to relocate because of retirement. I am anticipating making new friends to change the rut. I wish I had something brilliant to share but I understand sister.

      Delete
  37. The pain doesn't go away and I constantly bring the affair up....it hurts. ..we are trying to make it work but I have so much hate and distrust in my heart...I don't want to look stupid if he does it again...I guess my question is how do you yourself move on and begin to trust him again?

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  38. So true but also sad. Best wishes to you J. I think a lot of how life after infidelity plays out depends on how much work our husbands do and how much they help us.

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  39. Anyone deal with your husband bringing the ow to the house and to your bed? We got rid of the mattress and bedding but I hate it still that she's been in my home. It doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. I just want one place in this town that isn't tainted by them. I wish my home could be it.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, our house is up for sale. After we would go out and about more than twenty times I said I didn't want to come home because it was no longer home, I hated the house, it now has bad ju-ju. He got the message. I can't stand my house.

      Delete
    2. I understand. I am threatening to sell his cars because the sight of them make me sick. THANK GOD, that whore didn't make it into my house or I'd burn it down. I've thrown away anything and everything I know we got during THAT time period. He has no idea how much stuff has gone into the bin...usually after being smashed. I have less and less record of a 2 year period including tax info because if I'd been looking at his phone bill and credit card statements, (tax write offs) I'd have figured this out much sooner. I have none of my calendars... I want to rid myself of much of the LIE we lived as possible. If I could dump her fugly self into the bin, I'd gladly do that too.

      Delete
  40. It has been over a year and a half since D-day. Over a year since he moved out. Over six months since he asked for a divorce. I've made progress. I actually know now that I am truly better in myself without him. I've come to realize that I don't even like the person he grew to be. I don't wish him back. I do wish my life back however. What I thought I had. A family. And he is still with her. I know he believes it is love. I know him well enough to know he may love her, but in a selfish way that will not end well. I don't actually care that he is with her (mostly), but now she is with my kids ALL. THE. TIME. And I don't get to have a say about that. So my kids talk about her. And now she gets to play happy family with my kids and him. And it makes me want to puke. She already stole my husband, couldn't she leave my kids alone? She has her own... And they are too little to get anything other than that she is nice to them. I'm so tired of being stuck here. I want to move on so I can either be truly happy on my own, or be truly open to finding a real partner. So many of you were blessed with the opportunity to save your marriages. My ex just kept cheating when we were supposed to be working on it. That is the final betrayal that hurts the most. I was never given a chance despite my 15 years of loyalty... I'm just really struggling to move past this point. As long as they are out of my awareness, I'm fine, happy to live my life. But I am triggered so easily. Anyone else healing alone?

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    Replies
    1. Karey, no, I'm not healing alone…I know though by reading your letter that you will thrive and be happy again. I was healing alone for about six weeks when my husband and I were separated. My sister, a girlfriend of mine and I have had that conversation recently. We noticed how much fuller our lives become when we are without a man. Perhaps that is unfair and… Yes, our lives can be full with a man. Yet just as with anyone else we may live with ... we acquiesce to their wishes. Women acquiesce to men's wishes… In general. For example, my sister would find herself watching sports, my friend would find herself laying sod ... on a beautiful Sunday sunny day. We find that when left to our own devices and our female friends we delve into areas of our lives that we may otherwise not have. So, the best I can suggest… Is when you have the trigger, replace the trigger with the thought of something that you really want to do or something that you recently did. Something lovely. Why is your life better without him? You know that it is. Use those answers when a trigger comes up. And another option is gratitude. I know you are so very grateful. When a trigger comes up ... Replace it with thoughts of what you're grateful for. I say all of this and believe you me the triggers are hard for me even if I am not healing alone. Even still sometimes I am able to quelch the trigger. Other times, I am not. It is in those times that I believe I am meant to feel the trigger and feel the pain as it is part of healing. Love and light my Dear.

      Delete
  41. Lea
    I can feel your pain! My h and I have two homes. Our lake house is my happy place as it is the only place ow never touched! The house we stay in for work is where h pa began. Like you I have thrown away everything I knew she touched! I still deal with the hurt this mess has caused! I am getting stronger and I refuse for this to turn me into someone I don't want to be! Some days are better than others. We have totally renovated both the kitchen and the bath 'where she felt so much passion' after their wild sex. These were words she sent to my phone before I blocked her. Then she spent six more months harassing both of us on my h phone. He filed charges she spent a night in jail no contact ordered and for four months nothing then the text came that her 15 year old son hanged himself. That is when I realized how truly messed up ow really is! My h stayed in the a over a year just trying to get her not to tell me. Sounds crazy. He became afraid of her mental state as she threatened me through social media! We will still have the court day to deal with but hopefully she will cut a deal before that happens as she asked for a jury trial. Every situation may have different details, but the emotions for all of us are very similar. One day at a time. When we sell this house, once h can retire, we will live again in my happy place. Until then, I have worked very hard to rid my mind of all the visions ow made sure to put in her texts to h. Working hard to replace those ugly spots in our home and yard with things that make me happy! Hugs!
    Give yourself time! Talk to all these strong ladies here! One day at a time!

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  42. Just learned a week ago that my H had sex with OW 2 months AFTER I got tested for STDs 2 years ago. Words fail me.

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    1. Our therapist made a statement that got me thinking about the timeline of his acting out. Something didn't make sense about her alluding to his almost "destroying our family" and "getting the OW pregnant with his child" at a time when I thought the physical A was all done. So I confronted him and asked about it. After a whole rigamarole, he confessed he took her to a flop-house/whore motel when I was away visiting my sister and her new baby. He thought that it would be too harmful to tell me the truth, even though I questioned him over and over again for months after. He was able to lie to me with a straight face. I am beyond pissed because after he (supposedly) ended the A, our therapist cautioned that finding out more of the truth would harm me. Well it is far worse to find out the truth years after especially when I thought the physical A was done and had already been tested for STDs. I am a livid and humiliated. This is why I don't believe it is ever okay to deny the BS a full accounting of the A in the presence of a therapist or three, if that is what she wants. I also think by keeping his secrets, allowed him to minimize his A to me and to others. I am so, so angry. I want to stomp the OW in the face (at the time she insisted that "nothing" was going on). I want to slap him in the head and kick in the balls.
      I have been nothing but compassionate and understanding (okay with bouts of raging and cussing at him, but nothing unexpected) and yet he decides to keep secrets, doling them out at his discretion. I know he is working hard on his recovery and learning to grow up.
      But I don't know what to do--I am so angry. I want to punch him in the face so instead I have distanced myself from him, slept separately and I am trying to focus on taking care of the kids and my self and work. I don't know what else to do. Oh, and I need another MC.

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  43. Today is 6 months since D-day. H and I have both been working together to put our marriage back together. I feel good about what we are both doing to accomplish this. For the first 5 months, even so, I was a thin shell of a human being. My heavy dark shroud is a light gray veil now. There is a lot of healing yet to do. What I am asking is how to you all deal with the triggers? They are not things worth bringing up to H, they are reminders of where the OW works, the kind of car she drives, the awful memes she created and posted, the others she just posted, places they went... I can list, easily, 100 things off the top of my head... I hate Toyota, I hate blue cars, I hate lego, I hate Star Wars, I hate various intersections and areas of town, I hate any mention of bacon... you get the idea. I understand that I have no choice but to move past this, but it consumes me often. I know that I will move past over time, but does anyone have ideas how to get this crap out of my head? What's worked for some of you... time? meditation? prayer? acting out violently? Thank you and bless you all as we deal with this big pile of shit that life has handed us.

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    1. The question is why does your grief linger? You are dealing with more than memories you are dealing with unlived tomorrow's. You are not only battling with disappointment but anger and it's ok
      .

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    2. Original poster:
      Thank you, I hadn't considered that perspective. It gives me some things to think about, thank you!

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  44. Triggers have been the hardest thing for me to deal with as well. I could be doing well and a trigger, along with disappointment in how my husband reacts to my reaction of that trigger, can send me plummeting back to how I felt the first days and weeks after Dday. I'm now 7 months in and I usually tell my husband- because I need his reassurance that he's sorry that he ruined certain things for me and that he understands that his selfish, thoughtless actions in the past bring me pain.

    Sometimes I tell myself that they're just stuff - that the real value is in what is happening now. In the past fmy husband was an idiot, and the ow deserved the idiot. She knew he was a liar and a cheat and that was okay with her.

    What you deserve is a husband who is remorseful, ashamed, and willing to be insightful, honest and do the hardwork. Remind yourself of that truth and take some deep breaths. In the good times I try to remember that these times are not worth undoing over a movie poster, hotel, restaurant, etc

    I also try to recreate new memories. This has been a hard one- sometimes it's too soon and its a disaster other times we've had a great time reclaiming a restaurant.

    Sometimes you are limited- he brought the ow to our home. I can't just move and disrupt my entire family's life. I have to accept that. Sometimes that means crying a lot. But I have changed paint colors, mattresses, beddings - I do what and I can and tell myself that's all I have control over at this time and I'm gentle with myself.

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    1. Original poster: Lea, Wow, thanks... He was a and idiot and she did deserve no more than that, but I sure do. It's all so hard, it helps so much to read what you all have experienced and to get opinions. You all see things I don't right now. Thank you for sharing your experience and strength.

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  45. Anon 9/2
    Regarding triggers. We all learn to deal with them differently. To get rid of the movies in my head I threw them in the trash one at a time by tearing up cardboard and putting it in the trash. Others have said they did the same. Elle tells us to stop them by envisioning a stop sign and I use this sometimes as well. Alone time and when it's quite will give too much time to think. Just know it's a long road with lots of bumps! Keep your spirits up! Tell yourself "I can do this, I'm better than anything she thought she had with him! Hugs!

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    1. Original poster: thank you... Ive gotten rid of a lot of thing, but not really mindfully as to what I'm really putting in the trash...the hurt, anger, fear...

      I also forget Elle's stop sign advice. I will remember that and use it more.

      We are on a better path than we'd been in a long time and she will never know the same man I know. Hugs to you too..

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  46. Time, 6 months is not that long on the healing path

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    1. Original poster, you're right it's not... when you consider the deeply embedded grief that comes along... When my best friend died, I cried every day for at least a year. People were used to seeing me walking around with red eyes and tissues in my pockets. You can't rush healing as badly as you might want to be able to. I suppose healing takes place in its own time. Thank you for your continued kindness, advice and validation. You women have helped me so much by sharing your stories, your hurt, your healing... I thank you all...

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  47. I live next to the whore. We were all friends. I live with this shit in my face every day. My husband is working hard to rebuild every day. I just don't know if I can get past what he's done, even when we finally move out of here.
    Thank you Elle for this blog. I'm grateful I'm not alone, but so sad that this is a truth for so many of us.

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  48. Almost 8 weeks since my entire world blew up. My H had been seeing this OW since 1998. Yep - that's right.... and we've been married for 27 years. I am tired. TIRED of feeling like crap, worthless, humiliated, sad, angry, hateful, ugly, less than, left out, taken advantage of, laughed at (by the OW and prob my H).... I hate my H for doing me, us and our family. If I had not caught him he probably never would have told me and would still be with that OW. She is married, my age, same color hair and happens to have the same name as the woman my H was living with before we met...and she has no children - I know everything about her - or what I could find out. She WAS a business client - in an industry that I worked in up until we made a choice for me to do something different so someone could be home more with the kids when they were in elementary school. And look how I helped him build his career and personal life! I made it all possible. H travels a lot which is required for his job. I always trusted him - always. Never in a million years thought he would EVER do that to me - CHEAT. I don't understand who the hell he is anymore.... I just don't. I feel as though I served her up on a platter...just for him. BUT please just know he says they were just really good friends with "benefits". When he said that in front of our counselor - I wanted to throw up. Friends with benefits - what an asshole.

    I have been reading all of these women's comments and I cry....because I think "That's me", oh crap... "That's me too!". He IS sorry, embarrassed, humiliated etc. I know he means it - I guess. He is so afraid I am going to walk out one day when he is gone out of town. I am not going to do that - that is not ME.

    We have both chosen to stay together and make our marriage work. But I feel so ANGRY about the whole damn thing. My heart hurts...I mean that. I am sick and tired of having a good day and then the next two are HELL. I think of her and him together all the time. I picture him having sex with her and I want to throw up....how could be DO THAT with SOMEONE ELSE.

    Counseling is slow in my opinion. My H has what everyone on here calls "Trickle Truth".
    I get bits and pieces that I have to put together - which makes me MADDER. Why kill me slowly!?? It took me 6 weeks to finally get enough info to figure out they started sleeping together in 1998. H just looks at me with that stupid - "Uh, What??" look like he is confused. He still cannot say why, he will never tell me all the places...but they "marked" a lot of hotels both local and out of town and out of state.... and took a lot of LONG LUNCHES. Oh, he made plenty of time for her - but could NEVER make time to take me to lunch. H says they never talked about me - because he has boundaries....STOP IT - boundaries??!! He said he never was going to leave me for her - and the OW most recently was getting a little upset with H... poor baby.

    H is not voluntarily forthcoming with any information. NONE. It is like pulling teeth to get one shred of truth out of him. Why does he do that? The more he holds back the more I don't trust him. He says he understands - but he doesn't know my PAIN. Right now, I could care less if he is upset or depressed. He is pouting like a 2 year old today and I don't care. Get the F over it!

    I am supposed to work my ass off to save my marriage with a man that cannot tell the truth. He wants me to not "live in the past" wtf??! I told H his "PAST IS MY PRESENT".

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    1. I'm so sorry for you, since 1998 is a lot of water under your bridge and I thought my husband 2 year was too long. It is a knock out blow. When all the woman on this blog say, wait before you make any decisions to stay or go, they are absolutely right. You are in a terrible storm. I think your ass wipe has the longest affair I read about. He is the one who is totally messed up not you. That is not affair that was a double life. Only think about what you need and want right now. He had his chance. Now it is your turn. Stay strong and I said a prayer for you tonight. I can't imagine your hell right now. Seriously he is major messed up so don't go by anything he says. He fucked up his life, look at what missed out on by his obsession with this other wife. You take care of you and forget about what he needs right now. Think only about you please.

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  49. Page 2

    I have put myself in a position financially that I told myself and my daughter to never do....I have to get my 52 year old ass out there and get a full time job with benefits. I know half of his is mine. But he has always controlled me with money...always. I am not a good saver, I spend too much, I don't think of my retirement like I should....and the list goes on.

    I am terrified that I will not be hired because everyone will see that I am FAKING it right now - see right through me. Trying to get back in an industry where this OW works as does my H. I dream of meeting her and shaking her hand and pulling her in REAL close to me and I whisper in her ear "I want to kick your ass" or some other comment to make her scared.

    You know what I really want?? I want the OW to feel my pain, live my pain - live my damn life right now..... But nope, it's just my damn misery. ALL MINE. I used my H's business iPhone the night I found out and I texted that skank. I told her to back off, and I asked why she would want to ruin my marriage and the relationship my adult kids have with their father. No reply - so I texted again and told her that I wanted her husband to FEEL MY PAIN.... that karma is a bitch. It is and she will find the OW one of these days.

    I had to ASK my H to send her an email (cuz they used their work emails to communicate - how STUPID is that??) to tell her GOODBYE. He emailed her after I looked at what he wrote. No response from OW for two days....and the email she sent my H back was really directed at ME. My H called me into our study and said "Uh ___ did you um, send anything else to ___ or call her or anything like that"?? He was actually thinking I was busy threatening her.....ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I couldn't get myself together to even take a damn shower let alone think of contacting HER. I hated him for that.

    I go from being so depressed I want to end my life to so angry.... I hate this - all of it. Only our two kids know and my best friend. No family or other friends. I would say my H would have told a close guy friend - but he never did. His butt buddy was the OW. She knew everything.... she knew we were selling our house and building another one - yep.... we are temp in an apartment right now. She knew all about our kids growing up, graduating from high school and then graduating from college....all of what were supposed to be wonderful family memories are SHIT now. Because she will always know more than me - always. I hate them both for that.

    I am hoping tomorrow is a better day - this up and down emotional tidal wave is really wearing on me.....and it's only been 8 weeks. I don't know if I can do the hard work - sometimes I think giving up would be easier...... But my head knows that I love my H, I always have... I def don't like him right now - but I love him and I want a better marriage and I want to grow old(er) with him.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your pain Anon. 8 weeks is still a short period of time to deal with the emotions you are feeling. I hope the ow is out of your lives. We had to deal with ow an additional 6 months with the crazy ow and h had her arrested for harassment to end her contact.. The trickle truth hurts like hell and until my h gave the time line where I could deal with it, I went through emotional roller coaster weeks. We only were 3 months with no contact when crazy ow sent a text that her 15 year old son had hanged himself. H sent her a text we were going to pray for her family to find peace and healing. Then we have tried to move past. In my case, h had tried repeatedly to end the affair but she would send texts reminding him that he needs to be truthful with me and he was afraid to be honest with me as he did not want to hurt me. This caused more damage in the end but I'm learning to deal with it one day at a time. My h also said things like don't let her destroy us. The day she first texted me he was actually relieved and thought great now it's finally over. Six months more of her demanding a meet up to discuss the truth. Her truth was not his truth. She wanted us to divorce like she did so they could be together forever. He never wanted that. He was only looking for the sex and excitement of the affair. Knowing now how crazy this ow is has helped me understand why it lasted so long. We still have tHe court date to be decided. We hope that she settles outside of a jury trial.
      We are both working on our new life together and we have good days and not so good days but we're doing them together. Hard work yes it is. Getting past triggers is the hardest part of this mess. Concentrating on our relationship is the best part now because we're making it better than it was!
      You will get to a better place with time and lots of patience. Take the time to work through the pain and anger. It doesn't happen just because he wants to be over it. I'm sending you hugs and prayers for the strength I know you need to get to the better place!

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    2. Anonymous,
      I've been away but Lynn Pain alerted me to your letter. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But please know that that you're going through it. It's not forever. I often quote Churchill on this site who said, "when you're going through hell, keep going."
      I wonder if you might benefit from a sort of "disclosure" session with your therapist where your husband tells you EVERYTHING you want to know. It's akin to ripping off a bandage in one swipe rather than the slow peeling away. It will be excruciating for both of you but then it's all out there. No more secrets.
      I also think that your husband needs individual counselling. Nobody can live a separate life for that long without there being some pretty messed up shit in his past that he hasn't dealt with.
      Anon, please know that we're here, we know your pain and we can promise you that you will get through this. In the short term, try and forget about the OW. She's a tumor that needed removing. She's toxic. Not worth the real estate in your brain.
      And please be gentle with yourself. Of course you're angry. Your emotions will be all over the map. This is normal. You're experiencing a huge shock. You might suffer from post-trauma. This is all normal under these incredibly crazy circumstances. Just keep putting one foot in the from to the other. Eat well. Sleep as best you can. Exercise. Treat yourself the way you would a beloved friend who was grieving.
      And continue to share here. By telling our stories, we claim them and we heal ourselves.

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    3. Theresa & Elle -
      Thanks for your kind words. Elle, I have asked these very questions during our counseling session and his words are "Uh, well... it's been so long I just don't know why it started" "I guess dinner and drinks and then well, you know". The counselor praised my H for sharing - but Elle, he said NOTHING - I want to know WHY.... the answer. I wanted to know WHEN and he is still waffling between 1998-2000 H is just not sure.

      I am with you on my H needing individual counseling. If he cannot share with me at this point he needs to share with someone. When I approached him about individual counseling - his comments were "I barely have t..." he was going to say "I don't even have time for our counseling sessions - let alone individual counseling". But didn't want to finish because he knew I would be upset. He has said he was able to compartmentalize ..... how does one do THAT for so many years? I am afraid he is not going to be able to ever open up to me in any capacity. I don't know where this came from...but maybe it was always there and I just chose to overlook it or ignore it.

      And it hurts to hear his comments that the OW was/is attractive.... I've seen her, I know what she looks like. He was actually more worried about her feelings when I found out - he still says to this day "Did you ever stop to think she may be afraid of you"? This hurts me - he hasn't had one honest feeling for me in 17 years and he cares more about her even now. The hurt look in his eyes when we talk about it.... I just don't think its for me.

      I will keep moving forward one day at a time. I am not a patient person - but I am trying so hard.

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  50. Hi Ladies- first I just want to say how amazing you all are. I just take away so much from this site and all of you sharing your stories so honestly. Just knowing I'm not alone- it means so much. Of course I wish none of us were going through this but I'm so grateful for this band of women who are struggling together and lifting each other up.

    I just wanted to know if any of you ever obsess over the ow- follow them on social media for instance. I do so well for a while and then I'll check her Twitter - she keeps it private but I can see her header and it usually always has some vague reference to love or a relationship. The ow in our situation is married but her relationship is shaky - I'm sure partly because she's a psycho. I then checked her fb and can't help compare my looks to hers and she has some stupid narcissistic quote posted about how she's an unforgettable woman- I Wonder if it's to make herself feel better about my H or if it has to do with her husband, perhaps their relationship has taken another plunge- I mean this woman can't hide her crazy for too long, and maybe her H has left her again.

    I'm trying to trust my H and he says he's had no contact with her since the affair was discovered 3 months ago.

    How do you guys handle this- I wish I could stop all together.

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    1. Kristy,
      I think most of us have obsessed over the OW at some point. It's normal, of course, to be curious. But it can be really harmful when we continue. It doesn't serve us at all to consistently keep up with what she's doing/saying. It just keeps the wound wide open. What's more, you're never seeing the whole person -- just a curated, polished version of her.
      There are ways to stop stalking her: an elastic band on your wrist that you snap when you're tempted. A huge stop sign on your computer to remind you. A friend that you call instead who can remind you why you do NOT want to continue to feed the beast. Or come online and you'll find plenty of us who can assure you that she'll recede from your life a whole lot faster when you don't give her your brainspace.

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    2. This is a problem for me. I absolutely avoid looking at any of her social media and have her locked out my stuff... which she may or may not see depending on good of a stalker she is. It helped a lot when I stopped looking, but the images and words are seered into my brain and are so ugly and hurtful, like her... I know the best revenge is to live well and that is what I and H are working for everyday. I believe she is a broken piece of shit, I knew that the first time I met her before H ever got involved with her. I still obsess about how I want to see her humiliated and suffering, I still have a lot of triggers which I had written about on 9/2...the advice I get on this site keeps me moving forward often. So, when a Home Depot commercial comes on, where the slut works, instead of diving for the radio or remote, I just let it be because I can't make Home Depot go away and I have to get past it. Other things you have more control over... like not looking at those sites. Ultimately we know these OW are not worth our time and energy, but I guess we must heal and move forward inch by inch every day. Also, sometimes I think about the people who have wronged me in the past, who I've hated and wished awful things upon and now... years later... I don't even think about these people. I'll be glad when that happens for me in this situation... and I hope the same happens for you. We've got to keep moving forward and being the best we can be.

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  51. Kristy, think I could have written that. My ow married and in friends and material wise looks like she has it all. She's very clever on the way she's handled herself and makes me feel the idiot. I sent her my husbands jacket that I had bought and as she had her arms round it while in my car or my husbands truck, I thought that she should have it. Her and her husband went to the Police station reported ME for harassment!!! My H said she was unhappy as her husband dominates her lol
    All her sites went private. But have looked at Daughters. Yes I'm obsessed. 3 days away with Friends he thought she was worth blowing 30 years of marriage.
    20 Sept will be 3 years since they met. It's a deeper pain I don't think will ever go away.
    He regets and sorry. Trying so hard to make it up to me. But he said for the first few months that they had sex. But I don't think it was the case. He lies when he says they had no sexual contact. But I will never know. Didn't get to see all text messages she told him to go and get s secret phone which helped me not find out until I see him with it one night he thought I had gone to bed.
    Oh I could write a book.
    Is it right that we stay with a person who selfish act can cause so much pain. I hate the man I so deeply love x

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    1. Jane,
      The only "right" is where you want to be right now. And I suspect he hates himself more than you do.

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    2. Elle and Jane- thank you for your kind words. I think what I, and perhaps all of us need to remember, is that true beauty and character truly lies within us. I tend to save all my emails,texts etc. the other day I decided to go through them and I came across some emails from 3 years ago that I had written to a woman I had just recently been aquatinted with through a mutual friend. She was going through a divorce after her husband cheated on her and decided to leave her and their 2 kids for the ow. I read those exchanges and saw them in a different light now that I was betrayed also but I also saw myself differently. My kindness, my support and encouragement- knowing really what that means now to someone whose betrayed, I was just proud of what I stood for as a human being. I'm not a bitch and my character speaks for itself in the way I treat others. I never deserved this, but through Gods grace I am slowly coming to accept that it happened but it does not define me or my husband,because he doesn't want to be that person. It doesn't define any betrayed woman. We aren't less than, we aren't fools, we aren't deserving of this. The people who chose to hurt and betray us are the ones who are messed up- none of us should let their shitty actions say anything about who we are. A woman who is a whore can put up all the pretty pictures she wants, she can tell herself whatever she wants about herself but she is still at her core a woman whose standards are so low that she will engage in a relationship with a man who is basically saying - I'm a liar and a cheat and that's good enough for you. Wives our standards are higher. Our husbands knew to get us they needed to put their best selves forward. Be proud of the woman you know you are. You are the wife. You are the loyal spouse- we're not perfect but we can at least hold our heads high and not be ashamed of who we are. Big hugs to all of you.

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  52. Jane
    I so feel your pain! I too struggle with love/hate for my h. I love him but hate the choices he made! He led a double life for a year and enjoyed his selfish affair even as I at the time was alone during the week and only with h on weekends. She knew he was married stayed in the affair and convinced him to take her out of town on a business trip even after I had moved in the house with him and she knew he wanted to work on the marriage. This was in May of last year. In October he went to her apartment to connect her internet she tried to kiss him he rejected her and 2 weeks later when he was out of town she spent the day giving me 'her truth'.
    Learning this sent me into the worst emotional upheaval of my life. The ow is crazy and has now lost her marriage her son hanged himself and I would imagine is even more crazy now. I still have days when I think too much but I am learning how to shut it down and stay in the present. H is doing everything possible to restore my trust and that is the hardest part for me. I learned how easy it is to lie and cheat and still look me in the eye and say I love you! Words are not important as much as actions. He really is doing the best he can and he has to be patient with me as I am also doing the best I can. We have good days and not so good days. The only thing I can say is that we are doing this all together! Tough work but one day at a time is all we can handle! Hugs for the pain you feel!

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    1. Theresa,
      I can't imagine a greater pain than a child killing himself. Whatever the OW did, nobody deserves such agony.
      I'm glad you and your husband are toughing this out together. And one day at a time is the only way to get there.

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    2. I agree and continue to pray for that family! They were messed up before my h became involved with ow. I gave them to God and I only share because I know others are having similar pain from their experience. We all thank you Elle for this safe place to vent our frustrating emotions!

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  53. Thank you everyone to take time to reply. Elle I do want to be with my husband. But why did he not hate himself while in the affair? Why after I found out.
    We all have difference stories but nearly all the endings are the same!! I'm sorry I made a mistake!!!
    I do wonder if my journey is hard for me as my life changed the same time my world did.
    To explain I have no home. We sold our house and moved out 11 days after I found out about his ow. 5 days after that we closed our business that I run full time. I think it has made me 'stuck' looking back.
    We are moving again in October as the rental term has come to an end. We are looking for something smaller as our children have nearly all moved out and on with their lives. I have decided to look for a job. I am a little scared as I did have a job last year for 8 months but they let me go and I understand why. I am not the same person. My ability to do normal things is not as good.
    I am a strong person. I just need to find myself again.
    Thank you everyone. Xx

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    1. Jane,
      You do need to find yourself again. Betrayal does change us and we need to figure out how this new "me" fits into the world.
      I suspect that not having a stable home is part of the rootlessness you feel. It makes a big difference to me to have a place that's my oasis in the world -- my place to retreat and recharge. Perhaps when you find a new place that better suits your circumstances, you can create that safe space.
      Like you, my life circumstances changed considerably at the same time I found out about my husband. My mother died, a book was published to great acclaim then I watched new opportunities vanish in the economic collapse, my best friend betrayed me professionally, etc. So I know how horrible it feels when the ground beneath our feet has completely shifted. That's all work you need to do, I think, to reorient yourself to this new reality. You had a lot of disappointment and grief to work though because of the business, home loss, financial strain, guilt, etc. And I do think it's time to let a lot of that go. It does sound like you're stuck. Time to let yourself off the hook. You made choices that you would make differently now. We learn. We grow. We change. And then we take that with us into new choices.
      Jane, it's normal to be scared. But I've no doubt you've also developed skills through this. You ARE strong. Here you, still standing after all that. Where can you apply those skills? What do you bring to the world that you can share?

      Delete
  54. 3 years past D Day 9/11 tomorrow and although things are a lot better in some ways the pain has not gone away, just diminished a bit. My husband does prefer not to talk about the affair (18 years of contact with an ex girlfriend unknown to me, although he swears the actual physical meetings for sex were many years apart). I still wait and watch for her continued attempts to re contact. She has never recovered from him dumping her and marrying me 35 years ago although she has married an older man about 10 years ago. Feeling very down today but Elle's words do help. Thank you

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    1. Ugh. Anti-versaries are tough. Three years out seems like an eternity but it's actually not so long in a healing trajectory. Not talking about the affair generally compounds pain, despite our husbands' conviction that not talking about it is healing. For them, maybe. But for us, talking is so often a way to exorcise the pain, to feel supported, to be reassured that we're doing the right way by rebuilding a marriage.

      Delete
    2. Thanks Elle, I think you have hit the nail on the head with the comment about healing 'for them'. It is difficult as I know that if I insist on talking I can end up dragging over old ground and I know that isn't good for me either. Things are more settled and we have good times but it is the nagging fear that is a long time going, if it ever will. The length of time of his contact with the OW compounds this I think. She does visit our home town once a year around now and this is when she has tried various ways of making contact, direct and indirect. My husband has repeatedly stated no contact each time but I remain watchful.

      Delete
  55. One week shy of a year from dday, I saw the OW Friday night for the first time. We were dancing at a favorite spot and my husband's attitude went from relaxed and easy to highly aggitated. He wanted to leave before she saw us, but oh no, I couldn't have that. I had to see what she looked like, I had to make sure she saw us being HaPpy. Well, once she saw us, she felt the need to follow me to the ladies room, to walk by us, and to dance by herself while her husband watched. Apparently, OWs who have been found out by their husbands benefit from the cheaters diet as well. She wasn't as ugly and hideous as he had described and for some reason that infuriated me. I loved the picture I had of her in my mind. Feeling betrayed all over again, I found myself back at day 1 and made my second horrible decision of the night --- a second and THIRD Long Island iced tea. Luckily OW's husband found out we were there and dragged her prancing whore ass out of there (well, so she said when she posted the whole damn thing online the next morning, complete with my husbands name and another reference to the baby she had in March. Last time it was May.... she can't even remember when her love child was born. ) If I had known the man she was with was her husband, I would have spoken to him and told him about her claims to have had my husband's baby. I still dont think he knows everything. My dday and the 11 months following was a time of shock, disbelief and sadness. I never experienced the fury that has been described by some on this blog. Needless to say, fueled by alcohol, one year after dday, I finally told my husband every horrible thought I have ever had about what he did. And sadly, some of it wasn't even true. I won't repeat what came out of my mouth, I am incredibly ashamed. I don't remember most of it but my husband wrote some of it down to ask me about later. He held me all night and took a verbal and sometimes physical beating from this broken drunken shrew and in the morning told me he loved me and that he can't tell me enough how sorry he is.

    We had come so far, and I "f"ed it up. Time to make up for my bad behavior. Time to make it right.

    My 19 year old son pulled me aside yesterday. He said: "Mom this has gone on long enough. Dad has been putting everything he has into trying to fix this. I'm worried about him. This is a marriage not a debt." He told me that checking Craigslist on an hourly basis looking for posts from OW isn't healthy. He said it is like watching someone deliberately hurt themself. He took my phone, deleted contact information for OW who had contacted me that morning after I responded to her CL posting, asking her to remove my husband's name from her post (which she did), deleted any possible way for me to contact her, and then, he just held me. 19 years old, and so wise.

    So, today, I start being the wife and mother I used to be. I stop obsessing, I will make every effort to try to trust again and I will try not to look at the online postings which truly has, over the past few months, become an addiction. I justified it by saying I was protecting my husband from other woman's online rants. But really, I was just obsessing, looking for a reason to keep this crap alive.

    Wish me luck.

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    1. RT,
      Wow. Your son is quite a guy.
      RT, there's no need for shame. A bit of embarrassment, perhaps. But not shame. You are a worthy person -- worthy of love, worthy of patience, worthy of support. That you finally unearthed those deep feelings of betrayal is not the least surprising. Burying our pain in order to be the good forgiving wife doesn't help anyone, least of all us. Could you have expressed in differently? Under better circumstances? Sure. But I think every single one of us has at least one or two moments when they broke down and behaved in a way that expressed our profound pain. (Some of us, cough cough, spent months subjecting our spouses to a litany of criticism and cruelty.)
      Your son is right that you are torturing yourself. The OW sounds like a piece of work...but you're letting her into your head each time you track her posts. Refuse entry to her. She's persona non grata in your brain from now on.
      However, I would remind your son, if I could, that your pain is legitimate and that one year is a mere blip in the trajectory of healing. The road is long.

      Delete
    2. Hey Random,
      I would reiterate everything Elle says. I would also say that the urge to act out in ways that you are not proud of, is very strong. Think of it as an addiction. Make a list of the behaviors you don't want to have and seek support when you feel yourself sinking into them. Have a plan. Work on recognizing the triggers that send you there. It makes sense that the alcohol and contact with the OW would send you off the deep end. That is not something many people could walk away from, 1 year out for D-day, without imploding. We are 2 years out and I think I could easily lose it too. In fact, I was in a couples support group with my H, and one of the women looked like to OW, appeared to have the same foriegn cultural background, and when we went around giving names... she had the same frickin' name. I started shaking and my H had to hold me. I don't know how I would hold it together if and when I see her. So right now, I am making a plan to not lose it.

      Delete
    3. Anon..... I was so busy wallowing in my misery I didn't thank you for your response and help. Thank you! I hope all is going well for you!

      Delete
  56. Thank you! The irony is that not so long ago I gave the same advice to another woman on this blog. How on earth can I know what is right and then turn around and do the wrong thing? Its hard to understand.

    Thanks, Elle. My husband tells me not to be so hard on myself. I'm working through it and he truly is trying so hard to make me whole again.


    Its too bad they dont realize.....we'll never be whole again. Ugh!

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    1. RT,
      I don't think it's true that we'll never be whole again. I think we remain whole. We remain shattered for a period of time.
      Wholeness comes when we integrate this story into the larger story of our lives. It be comes a chapter, not the whole of it.

      Delete
  57. Anonymous from 1998 how are you doing?

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    1. Lynn -
      I have been awake since 3:45 am.... third time this week. I started individual counseling this week to go along with our twice weekly couples counseling. It is helping me realize that I cannot EXPECT my H to heal my pain. I also KNOW that what he did is not my fault....that is what my H says, that is what my counselor(s) say - but you know what? I've lived this many years in my own head with thoughts of deserving all the crap I went through growing up and all through my adulthood. I hear people telling me "it's not my fault", "it's my H responsibility" - but I just don't believe it. I just don't yet. But I AM trying - hard.
      I decided yesterday, when I thought I was losing my mind - that I no longer desired to know "Why he started sleeping with the OW and become her best friend" nor do I want to know "Why he could never leave her".

      I shared with my H while I lay on the couch - admitting I think there is something wrong with the way my mind works.... H listened (..as best he could while looking at articles on the internet) and told me all the right things. I showed him the blog post from Elle yesterday on how Betrayal brings out all our fears - and I cried again. Because when I read Elle's words - I knew that this is exactly how I had been "talking" to myself for as long as I can remember.

      As much as I know that over time I will begin to "feel" better - it doesn't feel that way enough of the time to be convincing.

      My real fear is that while my H is telling me and showing me that he takes responsibility for his actions, that it is all on him etc, loves me, wants to "care" for me, grow old with me - that he doesn't really know how - and worse - that H may not be interested in getting help with his own issues that lead him to lead a separate life for so long.

      I know it's too early yet to make some hard decisions - but people - how would you deal with 17 years with another woman? Please - someone tell me - because I struggle with this every damn day....and night. I am honest with my H about this length of time and how I don't know if I can or want to "forgive" - and he told me he just feels that he was an idiot, immature - that he is "wiser" now, has more clarity as to "what he wants" and he wants me...etc. All I could do was shake my head and feel another tear run down the side of my face.

      I am trying to stay encouraged - and calm my mind as best I can when too many thoughts try and cram their way in at one time..... PEACE - this is was I need mentally right now.

      Delete
    2. Anon,
      None of us really knows how we're able to stay with our husbands...except that it feels like the right (or the right-er) choice for us RIGHT NOW. And it's important to recognize that your choice to leave or stay isn't something you're bound to forever more. You get to change your mind as you work through this and as he does (or doesn't) work through it and make changes.
      I'm so glad the messages that your therapist is giving you are wise and that you're able to hear them. Don't worry about believing them right now. You'll get there. Right now, just listen. Challenge your long-held beliefs about why you deserve any pain, let alone pain of this magnitude. Be aware of the scripts in your head, those negative messages that so many of us aren't even aware of until we start paying attention. Talk back to them, even if feels ridiculous. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a beloved child, or a dear friend. Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion.
      Peace will come but it will be hard-won. So often, the battle to deal with betrayal becomes a battle against our own demons. And it's a battle we can win.
      Nobody deserves to go through what you're going through. You are a person worthy of love and loyalty and respect. That he wasn't able to give that to you is HIS failing, not yours.

      Delete
    3. Elle - I really think I am dying inside ..... slowly. I try to talk myself "up" and want to be there for my adult kids and my local family...but I can't tell my mom or anyone outside of my best friend about whats going on.

      When I tell m H " I just don't know who you are after 27 years of marriage", he says "You know me more than you are saying".

      But I don't. I told H that as far as I knew I was the only one that had a H that had a double life for 17 years.... and he had nothing to say. He just looked away.

      It is almost night time...my usual worst time of the whole damn day. My H is gone on an outing with out daughter. That is good for his relationship with my daughter - but not for my adult son and myself who seem to always be left on the outside. Feels like a damn competition...which is wrong - we are family!

      Delete
    4. Anonymous,
      Trying to be "up" is damn near impossible when you're so down. I hope you give yourself the time you need to just feel those horrible feelings. It sometimes feels as though you'll drown in them but you won't. Let them wash over you; trust that they'll ebb and flow and slowly begin to recede. Cry. Scream. Stare at a wall and wonder what the hell happened. The more we resist the pain, the more it knocks at our brains to be acknowledged.
      Are you in counselling? What about your husband? Might be too soon for couples counselling but at the least you each should be have somewhere to support you through this fallout.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous 1998,
      Elle is right, your mind will flip flop a million times when you say your husband doesn't want to deal with his issues that is a red flag. My therapist last week said, she had a couple come in for therapy and the wife said, I only want therapy for the affair, I don't want to talk about my anxiety, anorexia just the affair. My therapist who is great said, this never works out for the couple. She gave them a number of another therapist because if one partner refuses to work individually on themselves it is damn near impossible to heal a marriage. If the husband is still seeing the OW, she will not work with them. She knows which circumstances just won't work. It seems from what you say, he riding out the storm with you, doing and saying the right things but almost like a bystander not a participant. Second, the pain is like a searing hot poker through your heart, your mind cannot comprehend anything much right now and that is ok. I'm glad I waited to make a decision, the right decision for me to stay but it took 16 months. I had one foot out the door everyday. I don't how I would deal with an OW for 17 years, that is incomprehensible for me, I cannot fathom your pain. Elle is right, I resisted the pain and everything that went with it. After 9-12 months I did let myself feel the pain, it was extremely hard to do but it will help as crazy as it sounds. Nothing makes sense in these situations. While your figuring this out, lay down the law or he is out of there. This will give you some control. He lost his chance now it is your turn to make rules. Some may disagree but I would want to look at all his communications. He is not allowed to delete anything. No contact and if she contacts him, your the first to know. I would want proof everyday that there has been no contact. That is the first kind of test to make sure your wacko husband means what he says. Second go see a lawyer just in case. Demand to know where is at all times. He didn't like being roped into a marriage before as you tighten this noose around his neck called monogamy see how he reacts. Will he do everything and anything to keep you? Does he really mean business that he is now choosing you? I went to counseling twice a week for months. If it helps go everyday if that is what you need. Figure out what you need, forget about what he needs. You cannot and should not try to fix him, only he can do that. I will tell you that if I had left early in the process of trying to think straight I would have regretted it. I had so much to figure out about my self. You are definitely going to need a therapist who understands PTSD. No way he is wiser now, deny deny deny he is wacked out. How in the hell does he think he can dismiss you like that? He has a pattern that worked in the past with you but no more. You are going through hell but you write logically, your thinking shows strength and common sense. You will make it through for YOU. I know you can, I just know it. We are all thinking about you and vent away. It helped me to write on this site my inner most feelings. These women get it and can help. They don't take any crap either of any kind, like Steam's when she is pissed off, she gave me a dose of strength to confront my asshole many times. Merilee writes about compassion when I'm tapped out. Random thoughts writes about the journey. Pilots wife talks about triggers. Elle pulled me out of hell multiple hell with guidance and direction. Take care of yourself. You are going to get through this regardless if you decide to stay or go.

      Delete
    6. Elle -
      Individual counseling started last week...couples counseling started 10 days after DDay at my H insistence. I want to save my marriage most of the time - but it's the times when it all seems too much and I fall into the hole of doubt, shame, anger, hate, depression, hurt etc.

      The logical me says "wait", give it time. "Do what your counselor says" "Feel the feelings and emotions". But it's just me and H here and if I have "moments" in front of H sometimes he cannot handle it. It's like we take 2 steps back for every three we move forward.

      Last nights couples session was hard for me again - visibly. But since my H is used to showing very little emotion (stiff upper lip as he was taught by his mom and Dad) I have no clue if he is actually hearing me - feeling my feelings. I again, took a chance and put my feelings out there in front of H and the counselor. The discussion that followed our session was NOT productive - only hurtful. He classified one of my shared feelings in session as "Weird" - precisely why I have NOT shared that with him or anyone in the past years. As far as individual counseling for H - he says he will go because (1) I want him to go and because (2) I told him that "something" must be wrong with a person if one lives a double life with another woman for 17 years. He asked for referrals and it's up to him to go - I cannot control that - unfortunately.

      I've got to get my mind calm for the rest of the day - I need to be productive - and I am actively looking for a full time job. Now how hilarious is that.... I am at my mental worst and I am going to try and convince someone, anyone to please hire me.

      I am so grateful for you and all the women on BWC - I don't think anyone else could ever understand the depth of what I go through every day and night. I sincerely mean that.

      Delete
    7. Lynn -
      Thanks for writing back. On my hellish DDAY July 11th - once I heard him give me some kind of answer that had .01% truth to it....I think I blanked out - literally. Two days later he had to travel and was gone for 4 days. I didn't get out of bed except to walk our two dogs three times a day. I forgot where I was driving for weeks, lost my way when taking my mom to have cataract surgery, didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone etc. I still find it extremely hard to be around my grown kids and other family.

      I have all his passwords, but his work laptop is another story as is his work iPhone and vOIP phone which doubles as his land line wherever he goes.
      He calls/checks in twice a day - because in our first counseling session the counselor wanted to know what I needed to feel safe and try and re-build some amount of trust... well hell, I didn't know what I needed REALLY. He does express his love, says he cares and wants to do whatever he can to keep me with him. I believe him when he tells me OW is out of his life. But what makes it all so HARD is, how does one friggin email (sent from his work email - cuz that is how those two communicated 95% of the time) make OW go away - POOF! Like magic!! I read the email, approved it and it was sent, It took her two days to write back...but it was directed at me. Because the night I found out, I took his iPhone (work) and sent her 4 separate texts. None were physically threatening - but I am sure I scared her (who the hell cares) and she lives in fear that her husband could find out.... hum, not my damn problem.

      Until he can explain to me why he stayed with OW for 17 years - I will not be able to trust him. That is for sure. I am working on me - I am scared shitless that he is going to decide he doesn't want to keep working because its too hard or that my emotions are too all over the place and I say things that hurt his feelings.... but as I told him - I am not concerned about him right now - I am worried about ME...ME - not YOU. He just looks at me and says "Oh, I know". Seriously - H you asshole - you deserve to hear me out - listen to my anger and my pain and fing anguish. Get the F%*K over your stupid selfish god damn self.... IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!

      Oh and as of right now - he has not called all day, responds to text messages an hour after I send them....All of this crap he is shoveling my way... is how he is handling the fact that I was not happy yesterday with how he responded during counseling.... and that I verbalized that he is not sharing any "new" feelings, just repeating the same damn ones he has over the past month or so. His comment "You know why I don't share all the time? Because nothing is ever enough for you - its never good enough" This is how we have communicated for the past 17 years.... because he had ALREADY checked out. "I share with you - you just don't like what you hear"... and I disagreed with H and he told me to quit diminishing his "feelings". If you read what I posted above about H's comment regarding what I shared during counseling - he was seriously floored at how I could have that particular feeling and he felt it was weird. It's because H would rather be around his adult kids (I have a son and a daughter) than be alone with me right now. The fact that I told H and the counselor about these feelings.....he just stomped on them. FINE.

      So today, I get the "I am ONLY going to communicate with you if I HAVE to - so take that."
      I "FEEL" a shitload of anger right now because his passive aggressive asshole behavior is getting to me and he KNOWS it will.
      I am not depressed today - I am scared, because I know I need to have another conversation with H and he is going to go to his usual spot.... inside his head.

      Delete
    8. Anon 1998,
      I'm concerned at the way he's responded to this with you...and your fear around this. I want you to hear this as if it's somebody else: A guy cheated for 17 years with another person. The wife finds out and insists that there be no more secrets -- access to all electronics, etc., consistent checking in to offer reassurance, and therapy for all parties to ensure that each understands the emotional gymnastics that had to take place in order to deceive a partner for so many years. And then...the husband gives the wife a hard time? He calls her feelings "weird"?He says "...so take that"? Well... from what I can see you've already "taken THAT" and a WHOLE helluva lot more. NOBODY should have to take what you've already taken.
      I get the sense he's someone who's supremely uncomfortable with emotions -- his own and, especially, someone else's, especially when those emotions include anger or disappointment or fear. So instead of allowing you space to feel that...and himself space to just hear you...he shuts you down. He shuts you out.
      And that completely triggers your fear response that he's going to leave the marriage.
      Anon 1998, I know that dance well because I danced it myself for far too many years.
      I'm glad you've got your own counsellor to help you work through your fear. Unless he begins to accept fully the pain he's caused, then I wonder if you would be better off without him. I would love you to at least get to a place where that's a choice YOU make -- to stay or go -- rather than feeling passive and fearful and giving him full power over that. I suspect you've got a lot of pain (including some childhood stuff) to unpack.
      But Anon 1998, please know that this shitstorm is something HE created. It sounds as if there have been problems in the marriage. Show me a marriage that doesn't have its problems! But to cheat for 17 years?? That takes a special kind of crazy to be able to live a double life for that long. That you're even considering giving him the chance to be a better man is something he should be down on his knees thanking you for.

      Delete
    9. Elle -
      Hard words to hear from anyone....but deep down, I KNOW. I am just hoping against HOPE that he CAN be a better man. He is afraid, admits he was never allowed to show his feelings as a young boy or teenager (this all came out during our counseling) - I cannot save him from himself. I don't think I am blind - maybe right now I am due to the pain and hurt - but I won't throw it all away until he shows me he CAN'T or WON'T get help. If that becomes his new "Norm" - then he really leaves me no choice.
      I KNOW I am giving him this damn POWER. But my friggin baggage from when I was a kid - it's like living that life all over again. The "walking on eggshells" feeling, "make everyone happy" or ignore it and it will all be better. NOPE it's NOT.
      I have never hidden my dysfunctional alcoholic family from my H or anyone really. It is what it is. My father was the drunk - my mom was a damn basket case. I was the peacemaker - or so I thought. So your blog post from Saturday - it home HARD for me. Because your comments about "I'm not good enough", I am too fat, too old, too bitchy, too WHATEVER." That has been my motto for most of my adult life in one form or another.
      My individual counselor and I are going to work on getting my "house" in order. I have a session tonight - and I have homework due. I have had 6 days to do this assignment....and I haven't done a thing - it's TOO DAMN HARD. Things I needed but didn't get from ____, which would be my Dad. Then write for 45 min to an hour on these things and the feelings.
      You know, no matter what happens - and who knows - I am not going to live the rest of my days waiting for the damn hammer to fall. I won't - so this is ME trying to save my marriage and in the long run I will end up saving myself....I think you refer to this as "something good coming from something bad".
      Look, I say all these words and I "preview" them before I publish - but it's SO damn hard to believe what I am saying deep down inside. I'm working on it - every day. Feels endless...but you and Lynn keep me encouraged and tell me to be patient, feel the feelings...it's a long hard process. I will not give up on ME.

      Delete
    10. Anon 1998,
      Don't worry about believing the words right now. It will feel false. It will feel ridiculous. But with time, you'll begin to absorb their truth.
      As for your assignment, let's get you started. My guess is that, among the things you didn't get from your father was...: a sense of safety. A belief that you mattered. Stability. Respect. Predictability. Trust. A recognition of how capable you are. An acknowledgement of your gifts. A child of an alcoholic (I know, I AM one too...and my husband was a lot like yours) grows up taking responsibility for every one's feelings, learns to ignore their own, believes that everyone else matters more than she does, and soaks in shame.
      You are the product of that toxic environment. But you were a child. The adults in your life didn't give you what you needed. But now YOU are the adult. And it's time to give yourself what you need: kindness, acceptance, compassion... You can do this Anon 1998. And in saving yourself, you just might save your marriage (or realize it's not worth saving). Not the other way around.

      Delete
    11. 1998 I am gutted by your husbands responses to you. My H had a physical affair for 3 months and it just about killed me. I don't know that I could survive knowing 17 years, but you know what? I didn't think I would (or we would) survive 1 night. I was certain without ONE DOUBT that I would have "kicked his ass to the curb SO fast" and yet I didn't. I didn't kick him when I saw that he had been desperately TRYING to screw around for a full year or that he reached out to an old friend with a semi-salacious email that makes me as sick as anything else I found.. Sometimes I have no clue how the hell i knew immediately that I wanted to stay. I don't know where that came from. But staying came with conditions and they went into effect as soon as I got off the floor, about an hour or two after I discovered them The thing that made the difference for me, I think, is that I immediately saw the pain and the shame on my H's face. I saw his desire to make it right it in every action. He Effed up a few times in the month post discovery, and he screws up now and then even now going on--I cannot believe 2 years- but I know, I KNOW he does every damn thing in his power to make what we are now far better than we had before. He's never been a talker either and learning to do that--well it's been excruciating for him I am sure, but I could give a fuck. Although I am pretty proud of him.
      What he put me through was excruciating and payback is a bitch.

      I made it really clear that if he wanted me he really had NO choice. It was me or the door and the answer had to come NOW. and he had to follow though.

      Your husband seems to think he has choices--well seems to me that he made some pretty "me-centric" choices for 17 years and and blaming you for that and for any fall out. Well isnt that just all sorts of BS. I am sorry, I dont know the man but he sounds ashamed, but also cruel and callous. I understand facing the horrible things you have done is torture, but sorry, no excuse. He brought it on. he did it. he continues to hold secrets and info and cuts you OFF? He's not even passive aggressive. He's just acting like an a-hole. Or maybe he is one. YOU 1989, YOU take care of YOU.I haven't really been this pissed at someone else s behaviour in ages.

      Delete
    12. Just a thought. I was able to share all my husbands electronic devices with all my electronic devices. If he gets a text I see it. I see everything as it happens because it pops up in my text. Gather up all phones and I pads take the load to the ATT store and ask them to do this.

      Delete
    13. When you say - he has not called all day? That behavior does not mirror his words "he cares and wants to do whatever he can". I don't know if you have the posts by Melissa but your posts and her have some common themes. I hurt for you and am suspicious about his contacting the OW. How could he just cut off a 17 year relationship with the OW. I put myself in his shoes. You don't deserve this type of abusive manipulation. It is a type of abuse without the black eyes. I would hope for the best but plan for the worst. I'm so sorry and feel exactly like Steam.

      Delete
    14. Steam -
      Thanks for your reply. I will tell you that I actually SAW a text message on his business iPhone on June 26. THIS is what put me on high alert. When I asked him "Why is super skank sending you a text message at 10:30 on a Friday night" .... he just sat there - I cannot tell you how "caught" he looked. I mean the pain in his face - I KNEW at that moment there was way more to this stupid text. He tried all kinds of explaining "Oh, it probably wasn't meant for me" or the other one "I, I sent her an email earlier in the day and she is I guess just getting back to me" - I said ok, then let me read the text messages...he said NO. Well, that did it for me. GAME ON! So I creeped all over her Facebook.... it was public. What an idiot. So, it took me two weeks to actually find something concrete to show him. Don't get me wrong - I gave him two opportunities to come clean...but he couldn't do it. I did tell him during that two week time period - that I wanted him to hand off that account to someone else, no more communication NOTHING. He of course didn't tell her a thing. But I knew everything about OW and her husband.

      So - here's my thing at present: I don't want anymore shitty details about where, what hotel, or any of that crap. I WANT H to tell me why he could not just break it off for good - I am going to MAKE him say the words. I don't care how stupid that sounds - but I am sick and tired of him having no BALLS to tell me the damn truth.
      17 years... I know - it makes me sick to think about it every day. I mean that - we will see if I can get past it...but for today - I am focused on getting my "house" in order. My baggage will always follow me - always. But I am not going to go one more day, week, month or year - with all this crap. I am going to make progress with or without my H.
      I love him, I know he loves me - but if he cannot do the hard work for himself and us - then I will make the decision that I don't need him in my life. But I want to give him the chance.
      All of our years were not shitty - but feel shitty now that I know that he was really married to me solely for 10 - but with her for fing 17 years. I tell him that all the time. I will never feel any other way about it. We have two wonderful, successful adult children and lots of history - I just don't want to give up! Not yet - I know he can do it. Until he doesn't - and at that point he has made the choice for me.
      I'll keep you updated as my mood is ever-changing.... seriously - and that scares the shit out of my H.
      I do appreciate your support and advice....thank you.

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  58. I think that once you have been betrayed nothing will be the same Im not the same and sometimes i feel that giving my marriage a second chance was a mistake... because i still see him looking at other woman while we shop. It has been 3 yrs since the dday but I still feel I cant trust him is this normal

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    1. Anonymous,
      It's absolutely normal to wonder if you can trust him, especially if he's continuing to act in ways that are disrespectful and hurtful to you. How did he respond to his cheating? Has he sought help? Has he taken full responsibility for what he did? Is he fully aware of how deeply he has hurt you?
      We can't and shouldn't stay in a marriage in which our husband hasn't taken responsibility for his actions and made critical changes in order to ensure he doesn't go down that path again.
      I suspect you might feel safer if you were seeing behaviour in him that indicated he wanted to be a better man.
      Sweetheart, you're in pain. Be gentle with yourself. Nothing will be the same but that holds true in life no matter what happens to us. People change. Situations change. It's our ability to stand in our own truth that helps us withstand all that change.
      If you're not in counselling, I hope you'll find someone to help you through this. And, of course, please continue to post here. There's much support and compassion. We know your pain.

      Delete
  59. I met the man of my dreams 2 years ago and fell in love. After 7 months he asked me to marry him. This man wore no wedding band, and had told me he was separated and divorcing. He was working and living temporarily in my state, planning to move here permanently once he finalized his divorce (which had been filed in another state).

    He left to finalize his divorce - said he'd be back in a few weeks. I told him I wanted to see the divorce papers when he came back, before he moved in with me. Weeks turned into months, and a lot of excuses.

    After being strung along for several months long distance, I learned that there were no divorce papers. I had been played for a fool - I was the OW. My heart was crushed, my hopes and dreams were shattered. It took me months to slowly drag the truth out of him over the phone (since he was in another state).

    He wanted to move in with me and lie to his wife about why he was working out of state and who he was living with. When he confessed this, he expected me to go along with his plan. I refused.

    He cried, and for months told me in the most endearing terms how much he loved me, that he'd never loved anyone else, that our relationship would never be over for him. These phone calls tore me apart - I had to choose between having the love of my life and doing the right thing. I still loved him but I no longer trusted him. No matter what he said, his actions did not demonstrate love or integrity.

    For my own sanity I finally initiated no contact and have not spoken to him in a year. The pain of that decision was excruciating, and I wanted to die. I fell into depression, despair, and hopelessness. I don't think that he ever planned to divorce his wife or to marry me - he just wanted to use 2 women.

    I am 49 yrs old, shy, overweight, don't go out much, and never approach men. I have a loving, trusting nature and he manipulated me with loving words and promises of marriage. As I read the descriptions in this blog about OW being crazy, aggressive, sluts, whores, man-eaters, and home-wreckers, I don't recognize myself (or any women that I know) in those descriptions.

    I suspect that most OW were deceived by charming men who lied about their marital status in order to take advantage of a lonely, vulnerable woman. And that same OW goes a bit nuts, just like the wife does, when they discover their trust has been betrayed by the man they loved.

    I do recognize the men described in the blog (so much like the married man I fell in love with). Selfish, deceitful, Peter-Pan Syndrome types. Lacking integrity and empathy. I noticed that most men described in this blog never took responsibility until they were found out and forced to. And they care so little for their wives as to expose them to potentially life-threatening STDs.

    This relationship taught me the depths to which some men will stoop to get what they want. Wives and other women are often just objects to be used and discarded. In our final conversation, the man I loved confessed that he was afraid to divorce his wife in case things did not work out between he and I, and he would have nobody to take care of him and might end up dying alone. He did not stay with his wife out of love, but fear of his own mortality.

    Think about that when your cheating husband "wants to work things out" after he gets caught. Is he motivated by love, or by what you can do for him? Does he just want to keep you around as a nursemaid for when he gets old? Before you take him back, look at actions, not words. Do his actions towards you/children consistently demonstrate love, respect, and integrity?

    I've done a lot of reading in the past year, trying to educate myself. According to studies, male cheaters usually repeat their behavior (females rarely do). Also, players will use marriage as a stable base from which to operate their game.
    Mandy

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    1. Mandy,
      I'm sorry for the pain you're in. You're as betrayed as the rest of us. I think you'll rarely (ever?) see anyone on this site attacking any OW who didn't know she was an OW. In fact, I'm astonished at the compassion betrayed wives are able to show for others in their situation.
      And while I'm incredibly sorry for that you were conned by this double-timer, please don't assume that most cheaters are the same. Of course, there are con artists out there but they don't make up the majority of cheaters. I hope this experience doesn't make you afraid to give anyone else a chance. I suspect you've got plenty to offer to someone who's honest and has the same integrity as you.

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    2. Mandy,
      Lies are lies no matter which end of the tug of rope you are on. In a way you got a heads up, many of us were in la la land never dreaming this could never happen. I would take this experience and define it as knowledge and strength. When you do find Mr. Single right you will be a great wife because of what you have been through. I'm envious of you in a way, you can start over. Get in therapy and build up your self esteem. If you build up what you think about yourself, everything rights itself. Take care.

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  60. Mandy,
    I'm so sorry for the pain you feel for having been used by a married man! I feel your pain from the betrayed heart of a wife whose h chose to have an affair since he had not had sex with a 'different ' women since he was 20. This woman unlike you knew he didn't plan a divorce and she chose to have the affair and when h tried to end it with her she went off the deep end threatened me and ended up in jail! This caused more pain for all of us. You see most of the betrayed hating on the ow because of their treatment of our marriage! You were misled by the married man but we betrayed wives had no choice in what our h chose to do! We each are coping in our own way and try to support each other as we struggle with their life altering decisions! I hope you can see our pain is as real as the pain you feel and hope you can also feel loved and welcomed to this group as you too were 'betrayed '. I'm sorry anyone of us are on this path but I thank everyone who is here and especially Elle for sharing and caring so much for all of us! Hugs and prayers for your pain!

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  61. Mandy .... i can sympathize with all betrayed however my H ow knew he was married and still continued in the relationship ... yes it was my H doing, choices and he betrayed me the ow was not the cause of the betrayal but she didnt have to take part either. As im sure u read on this site the affairs isnt about us it them really something lacking within the cheater and in my case the ow could have been anyone really.

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    1. From Mandy: Thank you for allowing me to share my story, and for your replies. As I have read your stories, I marvel at the courage of all of the betrayed to find inner strength and move beyond the betrayal. I'm definitely not attacking the wives - it is the men who use women that make me ill. When I found out what the married man was planned to do to his wife, I felt great empathy for her and refused be a part of his plan.

      For me, the experience deeply affected my trust in men, my trust in myself to know when I am being deceived, and my trust in God to protect me. I have been stuck, questioning whether I even want to date again, much less get married. And so, I am trying to educate myself about men, relationships, how to spot players, etc.

      Theresa and Wounded, you are both right about there being something lacking inside the cheater. I think that many lack integrity, empathy, and the desire to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, what they often have is selfishness, an entitlement attitude, and other traits of anti-social personality disorder, including impulsiveness, irresponsibility, recklessness (financial, sexual, etc.), and disregard for the rules of society (e.g. keeping promises or marriage vows).

      Elle, I had the impression that most cheaters are con artists and that both the wife and the OW are being conned simultaneously? Maybe I am biased by my experience?

      Some questions for you all - considering what you have gone through, is marriage really worth it (beyond having children)? Would you marry the same man again?

      Thank you for listening, and for your insight,
      Mandy

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    2. Mandy,
      From what I understand, the true "con artist" makes up only a small number of cheaters. That doesn't mean that cheaters aren't conning the OW but that they're not pathological like a true con artist. In the vast majority of cases, they're guys who've lost their way and found themselves trying to fill what's missing in themselves by escaping into a fantasy world. Affairs for them are about escape. More like a drug. When the affair is exposes, the cheaters themselves are often as baffled as their wives as to why they've done what they did and risked losing everything that really matters to them.
      As for your other questions, that's tough. I don't know if I would marry the same man because his betrayal was SO devastating. But I'm also aware that, statistically, more than 50% of partners cheat (including women) so no matter who I married, there's a good chance I'd still be going through this. And my husband is a good man who made some horrible choices. I have three incredible children who make my life infinitely richer. Perhaps with another man, we'd discover he was infertile and on and on. So it becomes a fool's game, trying to guess at whether my life would be better or worse if I hadn't married him. Maybe another guy wouldn't have cheated but have gambled. Or drank. Or worked too much. Or... Or... Or...
      In the end, this is the life I have. And this is the marriage I've chosen to stay in. I believe my life to be better for having my husband in it at this point in time. And that's all I've got -- the right now.
      Marriage is tough. There's no way around that. But even with what I've gone through, marriage has also brought huge rewards to my life. To each, her own, right?
      Curious what the others have to say.

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  62. Mandy, you are an unwitting OW, you were betrayed, but you aren't an affair partner. You had no idea you were in an affair though you might want to look at how you might have better listened to your inner voice about a situation that didn't sound right. Personally, I would be on high alert for getting involved with a man who is not even officially divorced yet. Being the fallback girl or rebound relationship is probably not the best situation for anyone. That said, in most of our situations, we were primarily betrayed by the person we explicitly trusted by entering into marriage or serious commitment with that person. However, we were also betrayed by another woman who knew of our existence but chose to check her integrity and self-esteem at the door. Women who trade on their sexuality in order to feel better about themselves. Sadly, something I never believed until now but that seems to be alot of women out there. I for one believed in the sisterhood and the OW was part of my community that looked out for each others kids. In many cases, we were betrayed by women we knew and for some women, that is part of the thrill. In the end, when they don't get what they think they deserve, they feel sorry for themselves and often still continue to justify their choices. Doesn't sound like you would put yourself in that situation. Peace and healing to you.

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  63. Mandy
    In my situation my h lied to me by hiding the affair for an extra year while trying to convince ow not to share the 'truth'. He lied to her from the beginning of the truth about our relationship. We were living apart due to his work and my helping our daughter navigate a messy divorce and child custody. Once I moved back into the same house with h I suspected an affair and even met the ow at h volleyball game. That was how they met and fell in lust. She sat there telling me what a great friend my h had been to her as she was going through her messy divorce and regaining her license to practice substance abuse. He told me he tried everything to get rid of the ow before I moved in. She drove by and saw how happy we were on the day I moved in. She had the conversation with my h that her heart 'dropped ' when she saw us 'happy'. And yet, she was in 'love ' and could not give him up. Within 7 months she convinced him to take her out of town on a business that again he had sex with her. He said he told her on the way back it way over but she continued to contact him to meet for lunch. He did a few times trying to convince her it was over. He went to her apartment to connect her Internet and she tried to kiss him and he again rejected her. This made her very angry and within 2 weeks contacted me with all her 'truth'. Well I so lied to her about my h telling her she was 'one of many' women in h life. That made her even more angry. H was 'relieved' that the truth was out and finally it was over and we could work on our marriage! Wrong she continued to harrasment charges were filed and a judge ordered no contact. We are now able to talk about all of this in a much healthier way than when she was in the middle trying to break up our marriage.
    We still have good days and not so good days.
    Would I marry him if I could go back and choose another yes I would because the man I married and raised our children with was not the man 'she' loved! He was in a bad place in his own life and used her to escape his own pain and feeling of being trapped into marriage so young. He has learned so much about himself and one day at a time we move forward together.
    Don't lose faith in God for He did get you out of your situation and don't think all men can't be trusted. Just learn to trust your own gut feelings! Hugs for your pain!
    One day at a time!

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    1. Mandy none of the women my H pursued, nor the one that he slept (nor the one he bought a blow job from) with knew he was married. OMG the stories he came up with to tell them were unbelievable! He was so dashing! So worldy!! As fas as they knew He was writing books and making documentaries (reality is he was drinking and watching porn--lol) I only contacted one, one he pursued to pieces. I simply wrote to her, under his name," I am going back to my life now, I dont know what i was thinking, I am married and I am an idiot." Then deleted the account. It was easy for me because she was so NOT invested in him. I may have been kinder, or maybe not, had there been some "love" words thrown around. I feel awful for you and how this has shattered your trust in men. I think we've all been shattered by what we have found. But in answer--yeah, I think i'd do it over again, but I would not and will never be as trusting as I was before and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I had a years worth of phone records that proved everything--i never looked at them--they were there all that time. I just paid them the calls, the texts, the photos (i could not see them but could see that pictures were sent--i found them later--i trusted him COMPLETELY which was doubly humiliating. That does not happen anymore, but I also don't feel bitchy or unreasonable at all about having all passwords and access to everything. He dug what could have been his grave, that fact that i throw a little dirt in there from time to time doesn't bother me one stinkin bit. Huh--maybe little by little those handfuls of dirt fill the space up. he'd need another backhoe (or back-ho) to dig himself that deep again. Thank YOU for making the right choice.

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  64. It's been a year and five months since I found out and it still hurts so much. I'm still waiting for an apology and an explanation off the other woman. I just can't understand how she can go on without saying sorry. I still picture everything in my mind and it kills me. I feel weak, like I should have just gotten over it already. It makes me so angry that I'm stuck with all this pain yet she gets to move on with her life completely free. I keep thinking about the moments when he was with her and that she meant everything to him. He said she didn't but I think if that was true then he would have thought about me and our son. And when I think about these moments and think of them together I just can't imagine how to begin to get over something like this. He is a better person now. He quit drinking to prove he loves me and he is a lot more thoughtful. We have many happy times aswell. But then I feel disgusted that it took what he did for him to change. I feel like I can't keep going. I can't stop thinking about them everyday and I know I shouldn't.

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    1. Kim,
      You are still in such pain. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from betrayal takes a long, long time. I don't know anybody who felt healed from it 1 1/2 years. Most experts say it takes three to five years to truly feel over it.
      But even then, the only way to get over it is to recognize that his affair wasn't about you. It was about him seeking something outside himself that he lacked. It was about him seeking escape in fantasy. The OW didn't matter -- all that mattered was that she was available to him.
      I'm glad he's quit drinking and I hope it has as much to do with HIS desire to stop than the need to prove anything to you. The only way to stay sober is to recognize that the alternative will take you where you do NOT want to go anymore.
      I hope he's working a 12-step program, which gives great life skills to go along with the support of others seeking sobriety.
      But that's HIS stuff. Your job is to focus on you. Read what the experts say about affairs. Learn why people step outside marriages that they have no desire to lose. You will begin, I hope, to release yourself from any blame and responsibility. You will understand that it's possible for your husband to love you...and still make choices that devastate you. Men who cheat are often masters at compartmentalizing. They believe that "no-one" will get hurt. They're as surprised as anyone when it all comes crashing down and they have to face just how stupid they're choices were.
      As for the OW? Don't expect anything from her except that she maintain No Contact with both you and your husband. She's poison. Cut her out like a tumour.
      And keep reading and sharing here Kim. We're a strong bunch who can hold you up until you're strong enough to do it yourself.

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    2. Thank you for replying, it means a lot. I just feel stuck. I think of the times before this happened and wish that I could feel like that again, I wish I was oblivious to this pain. I just can't stop picturing them together. I hate the fact that they did it on the desk in work, it makes the whole thing more sick and sleazy. And I can't help but think "not only could he not think about me and our son, but he didn't think about his job either, so she must have meant a lot to him" and I think of how much he must have wanted her. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it all and it's tearing me apart

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    3. Hi Kim,
      We've all been there. The "stuck" stage -- where you can't stop thinking about what happened and all you want is to stop thinking about what happened.
      Trust that it is a stage and not a lifetime. But know also that you can move yourself forward, even incrementally, by seeking out things that engage your mind in other ways. Go for a walk and count the different shades of green, or the people wearing hats. Try meditating and when your mind starts to go down that rabbit hole, pull it back to just focussing on your breath. Find a TV show that completely absorbs you. Anything to just give your brain a slight break...and show you that it's possible to NOT think about it 24/7.
      This has happened to you and no amount of wishing it didn't will change anything. Read more on this site and you'll come to understand that he didn't risk his marriage and his job because she mattered so much to him. He risked it because he was not being smart. Affairs aren't logical. People risk everything for someone who, more often than not, doesn't matter at all. It's about the escape not the person. They're irrational.
      Be careful of the script you're creating in your brain because my guess is it's total fiction. Notice what you're saying to yourself and question it: Is it true? Do you KNOW that it's true? Or is it just your fear talking? Your insecurity?
      You'll get there Kim. We've been where you are...and many of us aren't there any more.

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    4. Thank you so much Elle. They are very good methods and I will strive to use them. And what you said about affairs not being logical, he says that to me and swears that she meant nothing to him so maybe there is truth in that after all. Thanks again, and I'll keep reading and learning

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  65. hi its Polly
    Life sure is difficult post D day, one minute I am up and positive that everything is going to be OK. the next minute I am negative feeling alone and lost.
    It is as if I am riding a rollercoaster. Sometimes I think I have lost the plot. Nothing makes any sense. Some days I torment myself with visions of OW in those horrid porno photos my husband showed me of him inside her.
    The only peace I get is if I say nothing at all. My H is unable to cope with one single word he thinks is alluding to his year long affair. If he thinks I am having a dig which more often than not is not the case at all.
    Our life is going along peaceful as long as I am up beat. But I expect you all understand that emotions flit about up down and up again.
    I begin to wonder if this nightmare will ever end. My H said "It is in the past leave it there, you drove me into her arms you are as much to blame as I am" WHAT!!!
    I asked what I did to deserve betraying day in day out for over a year.
    "I could never get to the bottom of where our money went" he replied WHAT!!
    To say I am baffled is a massive understatement. I asked how that could be because we had bank statements every month and he had a bank card. He told me that I infuriated him by never telling him how much was left in the bank each month, WHAT!! I am in more agony than ever now because he honestly seams to believes I deserved what I got!!!
    I asked if my supposed crime was anything like as bad as him screwing a younger woman for over a year and he told me "Yes it was!!" WHAT!!
    "Let it go we were both wrong" he told me "Its in the pas,t grow up leave it back there"
    He is behaving kinder now and is less secretive but has told me that he needs to lead a normal life so is going out for coffee with a young woman he used to teach. then again with a female ex colleague.
    I think my mind is in turmoil I feel so depressed as he refuses to say he was wrong he always says it was just life and to grow up!!
    I am honestly trying but it is so difficult. I love him so much yet cannot understand the man I married in 1967 and respected and loved so much is capable of such insensitivity.
    I cannot wait to feel stronger now ,I am tired of worrying and crying then thinking bad thoughts then feeling better for a while. Is this normal or am I losing my grip on reality
    I honestly thought that I had made some progress yet now feel back to square one.
    Am I being naïve and childish as he says. Because it is all still so painful.

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    1. OMG Polly. That is some serious gaslighting. You need to get help to stand up to this. It is often hard to even recognize the gaslighting. He is taking you for a ride, trying to blame you in order to not answer for himself. Do not accept it. Trust me, I have been there.
      https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

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    2. Actually, this article on gaslighting is also good.
      https://medium.com/@sheaemmafett/10-things-i-wish-i-d-known-about-gaslighting-22234cb5e407

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    3. Polly,
      I've said it before. You are in an abusive relationship. You can't feel on solid ground because he keeps shifting the ground beneath your feet. You can't hold on to your grip because he keeps changing "reality". He is a very sick man and you are not able to treat him. He needs help.
      He should NOT be seeing women. He's a married man. He should NOT be blaming you for HIS choice to cheat.
      Polly, I sincerely hope that you will recognize his pattern of behaviour as abuse. It follows a predictable trajectory. And I'm sorry to say life will not get better for you until you can untangle yourself from him.
      I'm so so sorry Polly. You deserve so much better.

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    4. HI Its Polly,
      Thank you all very much, I need your sensible approach to my problems. it is not always what I want to hear but always makes me think. I had not heard the term gas lighting so read the articles you recommended and found that in a slight way he was using this tactic but not as much as you all maybe thought.
      I know that he is a complicated man like a lot of us he had a terrible childhood. Born into a church family of preachers organists and workers he was treated with contempt because his father who was 65 when he was born and was church organist and verger had gotten a 23 year old pregnant and had to marry her. she was their cleaner and so he never felt he fitted in to that pious but cruel family .I know this to be true because I knew them well from being a child myself. He grew up being put down over everything and hated his hypocritical family (his brother was a preacher with 3 children yet had multiple affairs) I am not trying to make excuses for him at all am telling you to explain that you are partly right that he has a weak sickness in his head and I have always known it.
      I stood by his side for decades whilst he worked himself half to death to become "Somebody" he was repeatedly told he would amount to nothing. He proved them wrong but at a mighty cost to himself and yes even me.
      He is a psychotherapist and as such has lots of counselling himself .
      He needs to be up there on a pedestal and feel he is the leader.
      SAD but I have always known this. At a time that was in his opinion taken from him by our 35 year old son who is massively intelligent but bossy and overruled his father at every chance our whole world unravelled. H got ED and depression was obviously not strong enough to control our son , That is when this nightmare really began, our son temporally moved in to live with us before he emigrated to OZ it was a nightmare H felt side-lined as son argued over everything took H on over everything This was when the affair began.
      Now he is ashamed and disgusted often says his family were right about him all along. He is in a way suffering too because he knows he was a dishonourable liar and cheat, says he never looked for an OW but took what was offered to him on a plate.
      As painful as this all is and has horrendous as it became I have in some small way found peace and love.
      I was bought to my knees and found not one soul to kneel with me until I found you lot. I still ride my roller coaster I still feel the pain of betrayal but in some measure you all helped me to see that it was in MY hands. HE knows that too and is now being transparent (a massive change) he is loving and gentle and showed me all the e-mails he and his female ex colleague shared and arranged their coffee event. It WAS innocent just psychological talk, he chose not to take up the ex students invitation so I felt OK with it all.
      My life will never be easy but I am honestly with the love of my life. I wished he had not cheated but he did and it changed things forever but not my love.
      I have a counsellor now who recommends that I follow my heart and instinct so I hold his hand let most of the angst go and try to slow my roller coaster down. I know you may all be sighing and thinking how naïve I am. You are right but I want to show compassion and love for an imperfect man who made an heart-breaking choice to cheat but as a Christian I know that I will be strong enough to forgive even though none of us will ever forget. OW is part of our history. We must not give her and our H the right to ruin our lives forever.
      Anyway I am now aware of gas lighting so he will NOT be able to do that again. I am stronger by being with you all I finally found my friends to kneel by my side when I am bought to my knees THANK YOU all

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  66. Polly, your husband is back to being an ass AGAIN. Honestly has he been treated for mental issues. What are you going to do? Have you not had enough? Really? If my H was going out with a former student (and he had one quite interested in him before i met him--and yes, during his shitty year he tried to contact her too) my line would be drawn in ACID. something that would hurt him if he crossed it--in fact, I know with complete certainty, if he took that step she could have him, and he could not have me. Enough is friggin enough.

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  67. Elle and the Entire BW Club,
    Reading through this blog gives me so much positive energy and relief. I am not on my own AND I see that there are betrayed women who can raise above their anger, pain and humiliation to stay FULLY ALIVE, STRONGER and HAPPIER. This is what I want for myself. So thank you for being there since 2009 and continuing responding to those who 'just learned' and do not know how it will turn around for them.
    I am not a special case, I am all and a combination of what has been said. I learned from ... her .... by mail addressed to me and cc:ed on my husband. She wrote: ' You won. I am quitting him after 5 yrs as he is not worthy of being with me ....' And there was more of her filth and ego spilled on me in this and 2 other mails. I know her, she knows me and my kids, I was in her place, she was in our home. I was devastated ... I was so humiliated and ... I panicked.
    My husband was away on biz trip. He was devasted too. Explained all (more than all !!) when he got back 3 days later. He begged to talk f2f not on phone. I was dead for 3 days. When I learned all ... I felt as some one has beaten me big time. I vomitted, I sank away, I died inside. And then I asked HIM to cuddle me, I needed him to comfort me, my heart and body longed for him. For me it was a clear sign that deep inside I am his and he is mine.
    Today, 3 mths later, I am healing ... I went through variuos rough stages: panicking to meet her somewhere in the city and telling me that it was THE TRUE LOVE and I am in fact the OW. Then I got angry at her and I knew I am no longer in the 'flight' but in the 'fight mode' and I am alive ( says a lot about myself ... I know). Meanwhile, I was miserable and unhappy. I was asking all the time why he did it to me. Then when I got to grip with her, I got angry at him. And it helped too .... for him to understand from a different perspective how hurt I am.
    We are making day by day. He revalued his life ... no more 'fun, parties and friends' that are most important but he focuses on 'me, kids and family we created'. And yes, I have thoughts on 'how long it will last?' It is only 3 mths and maybe soon all will start again. And I still take it day by day. I enjoy every good minute and I make an effort to refocus on positive when bad times are hitting. We have 2 gorgeous teenage boys, we have a family to take care of ... there is a lot of positives to focus on. And I know it willtake time and it will have up and down sides.
    So thank you Elle and the BW Club for keeping here the bright side ... as it makes me stronger and helps me heal with you.

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    1. Anonymous,
      That's a WHOLE lot of progress in three months. I hope your husband is sincere and commits himself to his family wholeheartedly. I hope this was the shake-up he needed.
      As for whether it will last, that depends on how you two rebuild your marriage. Whether or not you both understand how the affair took root and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Rebuilding a marriage isn't easy -- it involves some pretty painful steps of evaluation. But the reward can be a deeper relationship and the tools to handle problems when they arise.

      Delete
  68. Hi its Polly again
    Steam thank you for your sparky words you always lift my spirits.
    The trouble is that I have always been self sacrificing and rather naïve. I remember always the lovely man he always was.
    This happened only 2 hours ago but I wanted to share. I was as you know very much distressed on my rollercoaster ride so I sat searching the internet and found AFFAIRCARE how to understand your betrayed spouse. I read it and sobbed then asked him if he would read it please .it is a long article but seeing my distress he agreed and read every word became upset then told me it was the best article he had ever read. praise indeed from a phycologist !!!
    This article made me say WOW!! it is me they are talking about. Well all of us really.
    He is quiet and thoughtful right now and I hope he understands more that I am not being stupid I am just normal. I recommend reading it. We did so much wrong (or he did) in the early days and said as much.
    I must be the eternal optimist but Steam I love having you watching my back x x x x

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    1. Hi Polly,
      I think it is important to recognize our spouses behavior within the context of their particular set of issues and personality flaws. You may want to ask yourself whether this person has truly been a healthy partner, affair notwithstanding. The affair is a symptom of something--within him and within the dynamic of your relationship. Successful healing of your relationship after the affair depends on whether your partner has both the willingness AND capacity to be different (and to a large extent, ourselves too). That is a big IF. I would spend sometime looking at whether you are seeing the real him--flaws and pathologies and all-- or whether you have idealized him and the relationship. Can you truly recognize the way that he has been treating you? If you want the mistreatment to stop, you need to find a way to having loving but firm boundaries.

      Delete
  69. Any advice about how to stop being so condemning. I feel like overall I've gotten a handle on triggers and my reactions to them. But this past week was a nightmare. It started with sex one night, which obviously after the affair, is a place of deep vulnerablity. I wanted to try and say something flirty and sexy but I tend to be one of those ppl who need to set things up, go into detail, etc and so as I'm talking my husband is going soft and like " what are you talking about? What does this have to do with what we're doing right now?" I just lost it. In my head the ow would always be sexy with such ease and not be a bumbling idiot, which is exactly what I felt like. It also reminded me of times when he, prior to Dday, was having his affair and I would initiate sex and he'd be soft because he'd already been with her. Needless to say there was no sex that night and instead me crying myself to sleep and my husband confused and sorry.

    A few days later we were okay and trying to spend time together as a family. We went to a show with the kids and my husband decides he wants to get back on fb. He asks me if this is Okay. My initial thought is no, but then I think I know he feels isolated. What if he resents me for saying no and never tells me he's feeling resentful and then acts out in some destructive way? So I say okay- but then the next day while he's at a mtg I think did he set his profile to private? What if he and the ow have mutual friends and she gets a notice that so and so is now friends with my H . She'll click on and see pictures of us, our family. She's awful, so seeing us happy, what if she tries to destroy that? So I go to block her and of course there's 20 ppl with the same name and I have to click on each picture and it bring up her profile - I obsess over the pictures and it brings up new questions and insecurities. So I spend the rest of the week calling my H an asshole, telling him he's a selfish jerk, a lousy father etc. none of which is true at present. He immediately deactivated the fb account when I asked. He apologized but for me, him wanting it was evidence he still needs approval from others. That he doesn't get the devastation he's caused- he said it was bad judgement and that he was just thinking he's happy we're together and proud of our family and just wanted to share that.

    I know he's dealing with some deep issues and me spending day in and day out pointing out all his mistakes and calling him names isn't helpful but when the triggers cut so deeply I don't know how to deal with the past hurts and future fears constructively. Any advice would help greatly.

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    1. Kristen,
      So many of us have been where you are. But, despite what he did to you (and trust me, I think betraying someone is about the worst thing one can do to another short of murder), it's hurting both of you further when you give in to name-calling and verbal abuse.
      Are you in counselling? If not, I think you'd find it really helpful in getting your anger under control. It's normal (in fact, I think it's healthy) to be angry. You should be outraged. But out-of-control anger is a mask for deep, deep hurt and fear. That's what you're really expressing when you name call. You're expressing your hurt and your fear...but not in a way that's moving you forward and deepening your relationship with him but rather in a way that's creating more distance and more pain.
      Journalling is a fantastic way of getting down all that anger (hurt and fear). Write pages and pages about what an idiot he is, what a jerk...until you're literally exhausted by it. Punch a pillow. Drive your car to a remote spot and scream until you're hoarse. But recognize that you're terrified and so hurt. If you genuinely think he's an idiot and an asshole, then it's time to get out of the marriage.

      Delete
    2. Kristen
      I went through that stalking the ow on social media and pain shopped for weeks. The ow in my case did try to destroy my marriage. She said and gave details that caused me to be in the most awful emotional roller coaster for months. Once I found this blog and read the advice and then started to apply the advice I was able to stop some of my obsession with ow and I also had to realize herTRUTH was not the truth my h felt. She wanted my life and h just wanted her out of our lives. I also learned that I can't rush through the various stages of the healing process and my h and I are making progress.
      I also went through the phase of making h feel as lousy as myself by calling him names and screaming at him and the next day not even remembering what I screamed at him but feeling miserable. Then I realized that if I kept my focus on present then I could stop obsessing his past mistakes. To say it's been a tough year is an understatement!
      I have days when I fear for our future but I now obsess on my own needs first and I know I can't change my h or fix his flaws. I want him warts and all. I have a stop sign I use when I feel the trigger beginning. I know that shaky feeling and I look for my stop sign to regain self control of my emotions. All I can control is me. Good luck and hugs!

      Delete
  70. 8 months in. When does the need to ask questions stop? My head knows this affair makes no sense but my heart is still trying to make sense of it.

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    1. Anon -
      I don't really know if it ever really stops. I know I am almost 3 months out...but I can tell you that if I see something or suddenly think of something - I wanna ask H. I have been afraid up until the past week to ask - but I decided you know what? That asshole needs to answer me - and he has. So keep asking...but be careful what you ask. I can attest to that - it may hurt more than it helps.

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    2. Both Anons,
      It DOES stop. I promise it does. And I know 8 months (and even three months) feels like an eternity but it's a tiny blip on the healing trajectory. Most experts say two to five years. It took me a full five to really feel like it was in the past. That doesn't mean I was miserable for that time. Each day/week/month felt better than the one before. But until I honestly felt like the betrayal was something that happened rather than THE thing that happened, it was five years.
      Keep doing the work of focusing on yourself -- being gentle and compassionate with yourself. If you've chosen to stay in the marriage, then keep doing the work of slowly rebuilding trust. You'll have setbacks -- that's a given. But recognize them as setbacks, temporary and with something to teach.
      Ask your questions, Anon 1998 but be sure they're questions you really need answers to. Sometimes we give in pain shopping. Keeping the pain alive because we're terrified of our husbands thinking we're "over" it or that what they did was okay and NOT the worst possible thing they could have done. But pain shopping just keeps us stuck. If the questions are a variation of "did you cheat on me" then they probably don't need asking. You know what he did. The question is, are you both willing to do the hard work of rebuilding a marriage?

      Delete
  71. Anon eight months in
    The need for the questions to be asked and answered are individual to each of us betrayed. I found that too many details was just as bad as not enough. Once I had the time line truth rather than the ow persistently telling me it was very present I did not need to ask more questions. It also helped that my h did spend a lot of time explaining time line and how he felt about the whole thing. No affair makes sense to us betrayed. Mostly because we would not have made the decision to cheat.
    I'm so sorry you are on this path with us but one piece of advice from me is to go back and read more on this blog and you will find much advice from Elle and the other ladies that are further in than you or me! Hugs!

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  72. Elle, you and your followers have saved me a million times over. I'm one year past d-day, and spent many months asking too many questions, then watching mind movies at 3 a.m. It still happens, but less and less. My determined H grew better at answering my questions in a calm and reassuring way ("I wasn't feeling well. I have help now."). I interrupt the pain shopping with the stop sign, and by telling myself, "That's enough. It's over. You have enough information." More details do not make me feel better or safer. I use a PTSD strategy for the mind movies... when they start, I have this urge to watch the whole thing, in slow motion and graphic detail. I try to fast forward now, skip parts when I can, and "rewrite" the ending, making sure I add the best moments I've shared with H since d-day in big vivid color. When I get stuck, I imagine naked OW wrapped in caution tape, or my bold and sassy grandmother (long gone) sitting on her or locking her in the trunk of her big old Cadillac. If you practice, it gets easier. Some days (and nights) are harder than others. Sometimes I have to get up, get a glass of milk, and try again. Keep reading, keep writing. Hugs to all. - Snowblind

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    1. Snowblind,
      Wow -- that is so great to hear. Sounds like you could write the survival handbook for betrayed wives. I'm so glad you wrote to let us know.

      Delete
  73. Thank you for that, Elle. I'm a grateful fan. The anniversary has been brutal, but we're doing it. Our town feels like a minefield, full of triggers. I tell him the most helpful words he's used so he can repeat ("You did nothing wrong. This is on me."). I call him H 2.0. Still wishing he could have gotten here any other way. -Snowblind

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  74. Thank you all for the advice about questions. Yes, the mind movies that accompany the answers are intensely pain ridden. I'm so grateful for all the suggestions to combat them - I've been trying to employ the stop sign method as well. Under the word STOP- I will also add something else to help me from going foward like-, You are a Victor not a victim . Also a helpful one for me is- STOP- assholes only ahead. Because the truth is that's what my H and the ow were ( as far im concerned she still is). What they did together was vile and wrong and I really don't need to go wadding in muck that I didn't create . It never feels good and always makes me feel awful. And so, like Snowblind, I try to replace it with good memories or positive hopes for our future. Lastly I wanted to leave you with this tale- it's been a good reminder to me as well. You're all incredible women. May God bless and keep each one of us, and again thank you to each of you - you all have been my saving grace.

    ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
    CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS
    GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
    GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

    HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
    BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.
    ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
    ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
    REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
    SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
    INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
    SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

    THE OTHER IS GOOD.
    IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
    HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
    EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
    TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

    THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
    IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
    HIS GRANDFATHER:

    "WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

    THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
    "THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

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    1. I recall that story but havent visited in some time .... i fwd to my h. Thx u we all have the ability to be good wolves a little reminder doesnt hurt though.

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  75. Thank you for posting that, Lea. I needed it today. I actually handed it to H at our first meeting post d-day (I made him leave the house for fear I would murder him in his sleep). My mind movies these days are constant anticipation of what I will say or do when I run into OW. It was my husband's responsibility to protect our marriage, I get that, but I hate what she did. How do I never say a word to the mom who met me and my child, then went after my H? I get panicky at the store, looking over my shoulder. I practice charming her, annihilating her, besting her in my mind. I hang onto Elle's words about cut her out, she's poison, give her nothing. If H telling her no contact didn't convince her to change her ways, nothing I say ever will. Still so hard to turn it off! I'll feed the good wolf today with a workout. Music helps too. Thank you for being here. Your story is my story. Hugs to all. - Snowblind

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    1. Snowblind,
      You're being smart -- feed the good wolf with a workout. Listen to music. Don't give in to the compulsion to contact the OW and try and convince her to acknowledge your pain. Cut her out. Let her recede into the rear-view mirror.
      It is hard, I know. But you can do hard things.

      Delete
  76. Hello all! I've commented on some posts on this blog before, wanted to ask some advice here. I'm 15 months out from D-day. I won't pretend everything is perfect, but when I think back to how I felt a year ago, I know that I am healing. My problem is not so much me being stuck anymore, it's my husband. We are reconciling, we've gone to individual and martial counselling, and he's done everything he's supposed to do, complete NC with the OW, being completely transparent/accountable, talking whenever I need to, never once blaming me, and always asking what he can do to make this up to me, etc. He is trying. He's been addicted to porn since he was a preteen, that's what led up to him finally acting out with an attempted ONS. He has quit cold-turkey (as far as I can tell, anyways), and has been in recovery/clean since D-day.

    One thing his addictions counsellor told him in his very first session is that he will have to forgive himself if he wants to recover and save our marriage. Now, I'm at the point where I have forgiven him. Of course I'm still hurt, but I have forgiven, and I choose to continue forgiving whenever those feelings return. I will always hate what he did, but I don't hate him. (After all, I wouldn't want to stay married to someone I hated!)

    But he can't forgive himself. He literally hates himself. He always said that the people he despised most in the world are cheaters. Even more then the most heinous criminals! (It doesn't help that we were raised in an extremely sexually oppressive religion that acts like sexual misdeeds are the worst possible sin you can commit.) And now that he's become a cheater, he hates himself.

    I want so bad to move past this. Of course there are days that I am still sad or hurt (yesterday I was triggered because I had to drive past the coffee shop where he took her on their one and only date). I was sad, and then he's triggered into complete self-loathing. I told him it's perfectly fine to hate what he did (I will always hate what he did), but not to hate himself. But it's like he can't separate the two, and it's really holding us back. I was stuck for a long time, but I feel like I'm not anymore, but he is.

    He's been basically stuck since D-day. It doesn't matter the progress he's made, the fact that he's been clean for over a year, the fact that I've forgiven him, he just can't forgive himself. He keeps saying how unfair this is that he's done this and still gets to be with me. And I agree, it is unfair, but that's something I've had to come to peace with in order to move on. I could spend the rest of our lives punishing him to make things "fair", or I could revenge cheat on him, but what purpose would that serve? It's never going to be fair. I can live with that. But I can't live with being unhappy forever.

    Sometimes I almost feel like there's pressure on me to not be sad, because if I'm sad, his self-loathing is triggered. And then he withdraws from me. I can't just put on a happy face, I want to get to the root of this thing so we can actually be happy.

    Any advice? Resources? Thoughts? It would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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    1. Gee,
      Wow, that's really interested. I know it's something my husband struggles with occasionally...but only occasionally. Clearly, with your husband, it's getting in the way of him moving on from this and it's putting you in this weird position of having to mask your own feelings to not trigger him.
      Is he still working with a counsellor? I'd be curious what his counsellor has to say about this. I also wonder if your husband is working through a 12-step program because one of the key parts of that, of course, is sponsorship. Depending on where he is on the steps, it might give him a chance to be something of a mentor to other men struggling with this...which might help him see them (and therefore himself) as people who screwed up but who are not, in and of themselves, bad people. By extending compassion to others, he might be able to extend it to himself.

      Delete
    2. Sadly, this sense of shame was a big part of the reason why his addiction go so bad in the first place. His counsellor helped him to see that--he'd feel shame, later act out to get a high to feel better, but that just makes you feel more ashamed, which makes you act out on the addiction again, and you just get a downward spiral. It doesn't help that he was hugely shamed by his parents for using porn whenever he was caught. They acted like he was guilty of mass-murder, for pete's sake.

      Unfortunately, we don't have any 12-step programs in our area. I think he needs to go back for a few more counselling sessions. His counsellor said he wouldn't need regular sessions anymore after the first year, but I think he might. His file is still open. I've also handed him Mark Chamberlain's book "Love You, Hate the Porn" and asked him to read it. It really helped me, and I think it will help him as well. My husband has a hard time understanding how I can still love him after this, I think the book might help. It certainly helped me to understand that I was not crazy for still wanting him around even though he was the person who had caused my hurt.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Cactus Flower. This is why I agree with what Elle has said elsewhere that no matter how bad it hurts to be betrayed, I wouldn't want to be in my husband's place. At least I have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. He has to live with the hurt, and with the fact that he did this to us. And yes, as much as it's hard to see him so disgusted with himself, at least I know that he isn't taking this lightly.

      Delete
    4. Gee- I have the same problem with my H. He apologizes if it rains- everything is his fault and he doesn't do anything right (he says). My counselor keeps reminding me that if I ever had any doubts about his remorse, his behavior should out those to rest. He is in counseling. I have been hoping he would begin to share what he is learning about himself and what happened to him that caused him to do what he did, but more than a year later, nothing. I wish he would because I really do believe if he could get something- anything- out into the air, he would feel better. We haven't seen our marriage counselor in a while, and I'm thinking it's time for a check-up- perhaps she can begin to help us with his being stuck. I am very worried about him. He knows I am, but doesn't seem to move past something.
      C.

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  77. I too looking back should have picked up on little bits here and there. To trusting to lenient to niave? I beat myself up more prior to now after my H yep the one that did this to me said ... your none of those things blame me not you ... you were being a loving and trusting wife and there no fault in that. We agree how and why our love story did fall off the radar for awhile and we also agree now what he or I could have done differently. ... but his choice to cheat no matter the circumstances was his doing alone. My H affair was LONG term ... sex, money, physical, emotional ....time .... i often wonder if it would hurt any less multiple random women vs one continual affair? Sure it all hurts the same in the end. Continue to look for the sparkle in each day. My H lies deceit strike me to the core but seeing him trying to be the man he wants to be and the man i admit i want is heart warming .... the grass isnt always greener elsewhere ... so im choosing to worry about my own grass. Hang in there ... xo

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  78. Cactus Flower,
    I'm so sorry for the incredible shock and devastation you are going through. It can easy to blame ourselves when the reality is your husband became a master deceiver and compartmentalizer. Why WOULD you have suspected something? You trusted him. And even if things felt...off...most of us don't immediately leap to the conviction that it must be because he's leading a double life of escorts and blow jobs. Instead, we wonder if it's work stress, or money worries, or most of the garden-variety things that, for so many, it is. So please stop beating yourself up for being a "normal" spouse.
    Re. your marriage being empty: It's impossible to have healthy intimacy with someone engaged in what your husband was engaged in. You simply can't. So while it's important that you take responsibility for your role in the sexual issues of your marriage, there's little doubt that his proclivities played a huge role too. Rather than figure out who bears the larger responsibility for the unhealthy sexual dynamic, why not instead use this chance to create a healthy intimacy. It will be really hard for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable in that way with so much pain. But it's the only way to establish your own sexual confidence.
    I love what Melissa on this site said: Sex, she insists, is for her. It's not about pleasing someone else, or performing for someone else. It's about her pleasure. It's something she does for herself. Perhaps that's how you'll need to approach this. What makes you feel good? What do you need to feel safe? What sort of activities are off-the-table? Take your time to figure this out. There has been a huge trust violation and that's going to take time for you to move past. But this can also be the opportunity for you to rebuild your own sexual identity.

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  79. I think it's easy in hindsight to play what I refer to as connect-the-dots, and beat myself up for not knowing. How could I be so clueless? But I agree with Elle... trust is normal. Trust is healthy. In many situations, it pays off. It's not a bad thing about me that I trusted H. I went "all in" on this marriage, and now he is doing same (finally, I think). All good thoughts to you, Cactus Flower. And yes, Wounded, I'll stick with this grass for now ... thank you for that. So far so good. - Snowblind

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  80. I will just add that it makes no difference how interested a wife is in sex. I'm living proof. I was chasing my husband constantly, was up to try pretty much anything he wanted, would dress up, would try to seduce him, would beg him (you can read more on Elle's "pick me" post). I was always very into sex, while it felt like he couldn't care less. This went on for 12.5 years, since we got married until D-day. I was boggled that he would cheat, because of the two of us, he was not the one being sexually starved, I was! So please do not blame yourself. This is not your fault. If having a spontaneous and sexually aggressive wife meant a man wouldn't cheat...well, I wouldn't be here.

    I so hear you on the missing intimacy. One of the reasons why I'm willing to trust him now is that it feels like a missing piece of the puzzle is finally there (and it's not just the fact that we actually have sex regularly now). I feel like we really connect on every level in a way we didn't before. When a man is leading a secret life, it is impossible to have true intimacy, no matter how hard his partner might try. I read every marriage book out there to try and fix things in my marriage. It didn't make any difference until he was willing to do some work on himself.

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  81. It's been such a relief to read these posts and blogs, and to know that other women are feeling exactly what I am feeling. The sorrow, the grief, the anger, the mixed feelings about H, the hostility toward the OW...
    I've been married for 17 years. It's been a little over a month since D-Day (9/1/15). My feelings are all over the place. We are trying to work it out. But after 3 weeks of tender solicitousness, he has grown more distant in the last week. He is struggling with intense depression, guilt, and grief. I feel for him, but my own feelings are so rocky and I need to work them out. His work schedule has been horrible. We hardly ever spend any time together, and when we do, we are either awkward and paranoid or we end up hurting each other. How are we going to put this back together? He is strongly against counseling. He won't even hear the suggestion. He thinks a counselor will "sit in judgement", and he points to a bad experience a friend of ours had with a marriage counselor. H is repentant, and he listens to me, but he is very withdrawn emotionally, and he is bitter and dark. We hardly ever touch, and we were a very physical couple. I feel so alone. He was my best friend, the only one who really knew me and accepted me. And now he has betrayed me, and nothing is what I thought it was. Where do we go from here?
    This is a particularly bad weekend, because he is spending two nights away - this after hardly spending any time together this week. To make matters worse, he is working in a town 2 hours away - WITH the OW. He says that they are not working in the same place, and that the event is too crazy busy for anything to get personal, but that is hardly reassuring. I know how he still feels about her. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me, but he also loves her. Is that a kick in the gut or what? He defends her, and worries about her in her abusive marriage. How am I supposed to feel about that?
    So I'm drinking wine after the kids go to bed, trying not to think of what might be happening 2 hours away. And when he returns, we will dive right into another busy week.
    I am so full of pain and anger. How did this become my life?
    Your stories of hope are so encouraging, but they seem very far away. I think the roller coaster ride is far from over. And I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

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  82. Trusting souls we are, I am the one who paid all the phone bills. If just ONE time I had glanced at the thing before paying I would have seen all i needed to see. My H was stupid enough to make every call and text off his cell phone. When I found what I found on his computer (and freaked complelty out) i found a years worth of calls and texts on the bill. I beat myself up for a long long time, why, why why did I never look.
    Trust.
    Silly me.

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  83. Gee that is really a great reminder. We had fallen off the bed wagon for quite a while, due to completely mixed signals, bad timing, his drinking etc (and I was usually up for anything under the right circumstances) and I have done my share of beating myself up. I always thought if I had shown more appreciation than i did, or been more "doting" etc etc etc but it's true. It's not about us. I love you analogy of the missing piece of the puzzle. so true.

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  84. Something I read that really helped me is to think of this as a second marriage to the same spouse. As time goes by, I've been able to look back on the good memories without feeling as much pain as I did right after D-day. At first, it all felt completely poisoned, since I never knew if on a day that we'd felt close, if he'd gone online that night to use porn and talk to other women. I felt like there was nothing good left. So in my mind, I tried to make a clean break. That old relationship was gone, over. This was starting anew. I won't pretend I was always successful, but it helped.

    Now that some time has past, I'm able to see the good memories without them feeling completely tainted. It will always hurt me that he lived a double life, but it's not all as tangled up in my mind like it used to be.

    I hope that helps.

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  85. Another D-Day today.
    He's been lying about NC with her. I found the phone he's been using to communicate with her. And I've found evidence that he's been sleeping with her all along - and he had sworn it was just an emotional affair, with some sexting. Turns out they've been in hotel rooms together - God bless the jacka--, he kept records. Ironically, from the emotional, romantic, nauseatingly sweet last message she sent him, it looks like he is finally trying to break it off. The idea seems to be that they are both so noble and self-sacrificing, loving each other but saying goodbye anyway. Ha! Too little, too late. I can't believe the scope of the lies he has told. 5 times now he has lied about breaking it off, not to mention he lied all along about their sexual relationship. Even if I wanted to believe in him again, how could I? I thought we were special, but I never really knew him. So I'm planning to take a sick day and confront him, and ask for a separation. Then I have to find a way to explain this to my kids. Has anyone had to go through this? I am full of shame and sorrow and anger. This is going to be sheer hell. What am I going to tell my girls?!

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    1. Phoenix,
      I'm so sorry for you...but you can handle this. You are stronger than you know. You will tell your girls that Mom and Dad love them both very much but that sometimes married people are better off apart. That's it. It will be hard but don't give in to the temptation to let them know what a total dick their father is. They deserve the freedom to love him.
      In the meantime, go to a lawyer and make sure you know what you need to know to protect yourself financially.
      And then...well, then sweet Phoenix, let yourself be sad. Be sad and cry and trust that the day will come when you aren't sad any longer. When you rise, like your name, from the ashes. When you cherish your girls and the life you've created that's free from deception.
      You'll get there, Phoenix. But first...show him the door.

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  86. Thank you so much for the words of support, Elle. He is a good father; I will never do anything to divide him from our girls. "A life free from deception" - that sounds so wonderful. A life where I'm not always checking his phone or wondering if he's telling the truth about his encounters with the OW. I confronted him this morning. He cried and asked for one more chance. This emotional affair has really got its hooks into him. He says he loves both of us, and calls himself weak and selfish. He still swears they never had sex, even though they shared a hotel room, but I feel like I would be a complete idiot to believe that. I AM going to see a lawyer on Thursday, but I still feel torn. I care about him, and I never thought I would give up on my marriage. On the other hand, he has lied so much, how can I ever trust him? And how can I handle any more betrayal? God bless you, Elle. I am the Phoenix. I will rise. But I'm not sure yet when, or in what form. Thank you for all that you do for us.

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    1. Seeing a lawyer is a smart thing to do. Whether you decide to give him another chance or not, just have your exit plan so that you don't feel trapped or obliged to give him another chance. Make sure it's a choice, though I know it's a tough one.
      He needs to get his head out of the clouds and realize just what he'd be giving up. I hope he does so before he loses everything that really matters.

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