The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Met my husband at 24, sweetest guy ever. No prior all out sexual experience as in my case. He professed to love me way before the great sex, while I enjoyed every minute of it and sort of grew in love as we went along. Needless to say we got married after 2 years of daily wild sex. He told me I was his soul mate.First few months of marriage he turned into this verbally, physical and emotionally abusive husband. Small irrelevant things like how I squeezed the toothpaste would set him off. Apart from this I found out that there was this major unresolved anger toward his parents. He had no male friends calling to invite him to ball games and he would content himself playing video games all night. . I endured 7 years of this treatment. He would even withhold sex and intimacy whenever he would be upset at me for not "following directions" with work.I found out 2 months ago that as early as 10 months into our marriage despite the great nightly sex life and my undivided attention that he was having an emotional affair with an old friend. This friend he has known longer than me, and in all 5 years they had known each other, he would always bypass her and get into serious relationships since he never saw her as anything romantic. However he always used to brag to me how she had the hots for him and would jump at the chance to have sex with him. They texted sporadically for 1 year and one way or another it evolved into a friends with benefits relationship. My miser husband never paid for anything, never gave gifts and never said he loved her. Plus he told her that "it wasnt something theyd get married over but she was a special friend". After sporadic meet ups, quickies in motels she always paid for despite her lower financial capability compared to my husband, she fell in love with him. He got so scared and pitied her that he did not feel the same way so he dropped her abruptly without a word. This got her really pissed off and she called him out for being bad in bed considering she was so promiscuous and he was so inexperienced (LOL). This performance anxiety pissed him off too although he was so broken up over losing his only friend. End of affair end of story, end of friendship. All in all the affair lasted a total of 3 months for 8 "visits".Did i mention that my husband is a narcissist and I always thought as long as he was faithful to me, I would stick by him through thick and thin hoping our love would heal all.That affair ended 5 year ago but its still very present to me. I could not accept that he abused me and had an affair too.I left him for a temporary separation. that was a month ago and the dumb shit hasn't stop pursuing me relentlessly asking me to forget about it and just move on, move back in with him.i honestly cannot fathom moving back and enduring the hell i came out of, with or without the affair. I trusted him explicitly and he abused my lack of suspicion and benvolence with regards to his coming and goings.I dont care that the affair was nothing to him, I just cant get over the fact that we were newly weds, and he had the gall to have an affair immediately, and while i was recuperating from a C section after the birth of our child. His reason? He wasnt getting any (to this day I do not know if any is emotional or sexual) and he needed someone to take a breather with since he could not make me follow him and be molded into what he liked me to be. She was the only one available during the time and she's as ugly as hell. I am a great beauty, way younger and so much more lithe than her. I cannot understand why he would be so " worked up about her having a connection with him, when he told me quite frankly she was never his type and sex with her was so-so. Sex with me was way more satisfying?I think him being a narcissist affected his preception of our marriage. It always had to be his way and when he got disappointed that i was not the blank slate he thought I was, it sent him into a depression that he forgot to "think" and be "rational".
OOPS I FORGOT TO PUT A TITLE... NARCISSIST AND CHEATINGI so want to get revenge on my husband but I am too nice a girl to do that but I feel so much better writing about my experience for healing.Is it illegal to put a picture of his mistress in his facebook? Or in my blog? Am i breaking any international laws?I live in Manila, Philippines, so far here there are no laws with regards to this.The best revenge on my husband is the shame and his broken reputation. Currently I've been telling people I know my story not out of spite, but because they are wondering why I am separated. So everyone we know already knows what he is. I have no desire in contacting the OW. Ultimately it was my husband at fault and she had enough conscience to note that what they did was wrong in her letter to him which I found on his Facebook account.The dumb guy who underestimated me thinking I did not know how to Facebook doesnt know I hacked all his email and facebook accounts, including cellphones. (LOL)However I am tired of this life. I'd rather live a quiet steady peaceful life trusting in everyone, the way I was before I met him.
I'm not sure what's legal or not...but it sounds as if you recognize that she's not the problem HE is.It sounds as if you're much better off without this guy.Now the challenge is to work through the pain, recognize how it's affected you so you can move forward without dragging the baggage of his betrayal into new relationships.You deserve a steady peaceful life without his insanity.Elle
Hi Elle,NARCISSIST AND CHEATING Thank you for your reply. I found some more chat messages of my husband to different women. He simply does not choose what they look like as long as their slender. It seems he's addicted to sex without strings. I realized he chose me then since I had both (great sex without strings initially then we fell in love and being wife material). I found out that in his past relationships when he was single, he cheated on all of his serious girlfriends with "friends with benefits" on the side therefore making it a HABIT. Well that HABIT, carried on into our marriage and true enough he can't help it. Saving grace is some women just won't GO FOR IT. So THAT limited his physical indiscretions. But it still hurts (more insulted, less of the pain per se), to see him referring to old "friends" as "BABE, BABY" or whatever pet name they used to have. It's like he never left their relationship even though its been over for a long time before he met me. Also it seems he has a pattern for wanting to meet friends he's attracted to or he knows are attracted to him in private. Therefore setting the stage for adultery.
NARCISSIST AND CHEATINGI remember during courtship, he asked me to go somewhere for dinner (a hotel) and after dinner, he booked a room so we could talk in "private". Everything i had misgivings about then but was too young and immature to stand up to and be strong. He came prepared to then and i realized he had every intention for s*x.It hit me then, it was his MO with everyone i spoke to. It seems all his OW (all the way, or flirtation only) experienced this with him. Technically that makes him a predator. He would invite them to a private place to talk like their apartment and there he would make the move on them. Therefore it makes him the one really at fault for initiating EVERYTHING.
Yep. Predator is right. Whether or not it's "habit" or addiction or simply garden-variety scumbag matters less than what you're going to do about it. He seems remorseless which basically means he's just going to continue with his MO.You deserve better.Elle
It has been 4 months since my husbands indescretion.He wasin total denial all is hordifying time for me.HHe pouted.Stayed in bed watching tv.Was reticent.Didn't wNt to talk about my observations, not suspicions.I saw it with my own sad, sad eyes.He said I wS nuts, over emphasizing, using hyperbole.Ttoo many fights, but no one won because he won't fight .It would make him reveal his true feelings for the other woman.He said "you will forget about it.It will go away.I would forgive you for those 2 weeks.Really?He is a monster not to really discuss this.I have to stay.We have family, grandchildren,business,friends for20 years.I am going for help to regain my sanity.You should also.If I was younger, I would leave.I don't know your age, but get help.....♥♥♥♥♥♥
I think your husband's response to your pain (that he caused) is cruel. And you should not have to tolerate that. I'm glad you're going for help. I hope your consellor will help you recognize that you do NOT have to put up with it. I would suspect your family and friends would not want you to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for their sake. You're never too old to treat yourself with self-respect...and demand that others do likewise. Elle
Found out husband has been cheating with a woman 20 or so years his junior. Found out just by chance initially and then became the spy for a couple of months to uncover the truth before confronting him. I guess I knew deep down but wanted to be sure of my facts before saying anything, besides the fact I just didn't understand, couldn't understand that after 23 years together and 18 of those married with 2 kids 17 & 18. Confronted him with what I knew on 4/8 and didn't realize the impact it would have on me when I actually said it out loud. Went into complete meltdown, could not function, get out of bed, go to work or stop crying!!! Started texting OW who is married with a child of her own. Not just angry at her, at both equally as it did involve them both! I did not ask for a third person to be in my marriage and did not want one. I am tempted to let her husband know, but not sure I want to inflict the same pain and anguish on him as it has caused me in knowing? I am still feeling numb and close my eyes to see images of them in my head, I hope this passes? He has said all the right things, he needs help, he doesn't know why blah, blah, blah. He has seen a holistic counselor for 2 sessions now but not said anything about the infidelity more about the stresses with his job and anything else that he can think up. Surely we should be doing something together as he says he wants to work through all this, and I am still really just not sure? First time I have done anything like this but starting to relive everything again, I know there is a long way to go but need to get it out to someone or something
Ellen, I wrote to you earlier today, I was having a bad morning, I cant even remember what I wrote. Last Friday I found out my husband cheated, we have been married for 7 years, I have been there for him all this time,or at least I thought I was. After I found out about the other woman, who leaves a couple states away from us, I was heart broken, Im still are. I have no family in this country, I came through a internship in 2002, met him in 2003 and we where married in 2006. I thought I had it all, a man who loved me and respected me.The other woman sent me a text with pictures he had sent her, I walked out of the house into the woods, a couple hours later her ex husband sent me a facebook message, asking me for answers, I didn't know it but 3 weeks earlier he did the same, I told him I didn't know who he was and to leave me alone. I should have believe him the first time, I called him and he told me what he knew, after talking to him I came back to the house, my husband had a sad face I never seen before, I left, I had promised his sisters kids I would take them out to chuck e cheese and spend the day with them, I did, it was hard but I did it, they where spending the night with us, it helped a lot, I didn't have to talk to him if they where there. It was until 11pm when I put them to sleep that we talk, I cried, and forgave him, i couldn't help it, I love him so much that as soon as I found out I had already forgave him, I told him this but the next morning I couldn't stand looking at him or at myself. I lost something inside me, something that I will never get back or at least that is how I feel. I feel empty, I cant eat, I cant sleep.Saturday night we talked again, he told me she was a mistake that wouldn't leave him alone, she will harass him and would make him go talk to her, she said if he didn't she would tell me everything, due to this my husband agreed to see her several times. I don't believe that it was that hard to convince, since he drove to see her, he told me he tried to end it but then one of the pictures was a white board where he had wrote Happy Birthday on 7/12/13, he said he felt sorry for her and she took advantage, she was obsessed with him, her ex confirmed this, she is crazy and takes medication with alcohol most of the time. I wonder if I will ever be able to let him touch me without seen her in my head, when she sent me the pictures she also sent her info card, picture, address, phones etc. I don't know how to feel, I know I'm stupid for forgiving him so fast, but I cant help that I love him and want him with me, I cant live with out him.Am I one of those girls that marries her kidnapper? He has asked for me to stay, to love him again, he says he came back because I'm the one he needs, he says I'm the only one for him and he was stupid. I don't know how many times they slept together, he said 3 in 14 months, she would drive to where he was traveling to to meet him but im sure he drove to see her too, even though he denies this. Should I die? would that take this pain away? I cant feel anything but sadness and everything is gray, am I ever going to be who I was? or am I going to be a shell of what was? Im so sad, I cant help it, please help me, please tell me what to do, how do I talk to him with out crying? he keeps saying he will make it up to me and show me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. but I don't know how to start, how to talk to him after this, I have never been cheated on, I have never been dumped, is not that I'm that great is just that I didn't dated but 3 guys before him and every one of them we broke up as an agreement, no drama, just two people who realized they weren't for each other.With him I knew I loved him since the first time I saw him. I thought my life was a fairy tale, and on Friday it shattered, everything I knew, I loved I believed in, is all gone.
I'm sorry it's taking me a bit to respond. I'm on holiday with my family...but I know when we're in pain, minutes feel like days. You're not "marrying your kidnapper" (though I giggled at that - we all know exactly what you mean!). Rebuilding your marriage can make sense when you're with someone who deserves a second chance.You've learned the hard way that life isn't a fairy tale. It can be great...but no fairy tale. Marriage is work.Everything isn't gone. Resist the urge to fall into that pit of total despair. Things feel dark right now. But the light will return. It takes a lot of time and tears,Your husband can help bu supporting you completely, reassuring you whenever you need it and promising that he will do whatever it takes to make sure he NEVER goes down that path again.Elle
I have been married for 4 years now. We have 2 kids, a four yr old and a 6 week old. Last week he went to attend his father's funeral and he forgot a to sign out of his email account on our laptop. I wasn't even looking for anything, but when I saw that he had exchanged 12 emails in 4 days with a woman we work with, my heart rate shot up and i was gasping for air. Before even clicking on the email, I knew this couldn't be good. She was talking to him about the photos she had sent. He was asking for more and saying they were beautiful. she felt lost in his absence, he missed her. She was encouraging him to take it easy and get some rest "for her". Now are in a multi level marketing business and this woman is one of our recruits. I know her, she has been to our house, our kids have played together. She has been acting uncomfortable around me since my husband left to go to the funeral. She does this nervous giggling anytime we're on the phone, and we talk often because of our business. She chooses to talk to other people in our office instead of talking to me, even though I'm technically the one she needs to report to. I've made some comments to my husband about her, and how she seems very uncomfortable, and he obviously figured I was suspicious because the next day I noticed he had deleted the emails he had exchanged with her, and when I searched her name in his emails, nothing came up. And then he remotely signed out of his account, so I no longer have access to it. He never said anything to me about his email, he's just acting as if all is normal. We've had our share of problems in the past. I believe he has cheated on me, I've found condoms in his pockets, messages on his phone and many unexplained absences. I never got any solid evidence and he always denied every accusation. He never admitted to anything. About 2 yrs ago, after seeing some very incriminating texts I gave him an ultimatum, he packed his bags, we didn't speak for weeks. Eventually, we started to speak, he never did any of the things I asked of him, he just unpacked his bags and stayed. Since then, our relationship has gotten so good. He has become what I thought was a "dream husband": loving, considerate, helpful, affectionate, ideal father. I was so shocked when I saw those emails. I can't believe he is doing it again. But is what I saw enough proof?? I am madly in love with this man. It's like a spell has been cast over me. Even after I was convinced he cheated before, I never wanted to leave him. I wanted him to be sorry, to apologize, so we can work it out. But he didnt apologize, he denied everything. And I stayed with him anyways, and our relationship got unbelievably good. And now I don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him while he's away, but when?? his father just died. And I don't want him to deny it again. And I don't want to end my marriage. I have this burning urge to talk to the other woman, to tell her I know. And see her reaction. I can't believe we have to work with her. What do I do? Tell her I know, then tell him she confessed this way he cant deny it? What am I supposed to think every time they work together? Or do I tell him I will work with her exclusively, so that they don't spend any time together. Her working with us benefits our business, but I still just want her gone from our lives and our business. I have these moments where I'm like "I must be crazy, I'm probably imagining all this, I just had a baby - maybe this is postpartum depression". But I felt nauseous and threw up a few times after reading those emails, my gut feeling can't be wrong. Am I crazy for still wanting to stay married after so much deceit?
I want you to ask yourself what it is you "love" about this guy when you suspect that he respects you little enough to conduct an affair (whether physical or emotional, it doesn't matter. He's clearly doing something he shouldn't or he wouldn't feel the need to delete e-mails) right under your nose, jeopardizing your marriage, your family and your business. What, exactly, is so great about this guy? I don't want you to think about how great he COULD be if he'd just stop flirting/cheating/whatever but who is he right now. Does he really deserve your love?In any case, it's time for you to, as Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert says, replace your wishbone with a backbone. You don't need undeniable proof of anything more than an inappropriate relationship with one of your employees. You've got the power here. You saw what happened to him when you booted him out before. He needs you (and apparently he also needs the ego strokes that affairs provide). I'm sorry about his father but he clearly wasn't thinking about what was convenient for you when he was sending those e-mails. I think you take a stand, tell him you saw those e-mails and don't buy any of his minimizing, blame-shifting or denying. What he did was inappropriate at the very least. It was unacceptable behaviour for a married man and an employer.The woman has got to go. No question. I don't care how much she helps your business, she's dangerous to your marriage. If he won't fire her, or let you fire her, then he's more interested in his affair/business than in saving your marriage.The key is going to be staying strong and not allowing yourself to be swayed by him minimizing this. "But we never did anything." "She just sent me photos of herself sky-diving because I said I wanted to try it." Or whatever other total crap he comes up with.You're right. Your gut isn't wrong. It's telling you that your marriage is under threat. If you genuinely want to save it (and like I said, ask yourself if this guy is a great guy doing a bad thing or a bad guy that you've transformed in your mind into a good guy) then fight like hell.Elle
Thanks for the quick reply Elle! I have thought long and hard about who my husband is and why I love him. And you are right, he doesn't deserve my love, but I can't help it.We had a meeting at our office this morning and she sat right next to me. I managed to stay very pleasant, but I was so full of rage that I imagined gauging her eyes our with my pen (no need to worry, I would never actually do this). He's not due back home for another 10 days. I don't want to address this over the phone, I know I can't talk to him until he gets back. But to be honest I'm having a very hard time not confronting her. Is it a bad idea to confront her? I will have to see her at least 3 to 4 more times before he gets back, I don't know how much longer I can stay quiet and composed. I feel like it will just come out of my mouth eventually, so I might as well plan it out so I can better control the conversation. And I don't know why, but I really want her to know that I know. Is that messed up or what? Help please...
Ina, The fact that you haven't a) confronted her and b) gouged her eyes out is a testament to your incredible self-control. Hats off to you!It makes perfect sense that you want to confront her. So much of the rage that we feel is, I think, due to the fact that we feel made fools of. It's crucial to us to get back some sense of control.However...I would think carefully about who you want to talk to first. I would do my best to compile as much evidence as you can. Any e-mails he hasn't deleted; texts; phone records; VISA statements. Anything that indicates an inappropriate relationship. You don't need these...but they certainly strengthen your case and make it much more difficult for him/her to deny or minimize.If you talk to him first, what's likely to happen? If you talk to her first, what's likely to happen? Figure that out...and then make the move that puts you in the most powerful position. The fact that she's employed by you certainly makes her position more vulnerable so you might be able to use that to your advantage. I think your wise to confront him in person. I would, in the meantime, visit a lawyer and figure out what your legal position is. The more prepared you are, the more you can catch him off guard, the more likely you can control the outcome.And then, if he chooses to rebuild your relationship, be prepared with your list of requirements. Will you reconcile only if he seeks counselling? Will you reconcile only if he reveals any and all passwords, computer info, phone records? Will you reconcile only if she is let go? You determine what you need to move forward. It will be very difficult for you to move past this if you have to deal with this woman on a regular basis. What's more, why would you want an employee who clearly can't be trusted to have your best interests at heart.Good luck with this. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.Elle
We have a very tight group of couples friends. We have all been together over 20 years, are in our 40's and our children are still in school. Holidays, vacations, every weekend BBQ, all of us all together. I have felt uneasy for a the last few years that my husband and one of my closest friends were too close. They were always quick to answer with a reason or excuse if asked about anything by myself or her husband. They would dismiss us saying that we know they tease, play, flirt and "it is just how we are." When I get the nerve to ask both why they text so regularly and often (ie: a Sunday afternoon when we had all just spent the weekend together) they still had excuses. This has continued for over 2 years. I too talked to her daily via email or text as we were very close friends. I decided earlier this year to remove myself from many group events and asked for us to do things from time to time alone away from the group. That didn't happen. My friend would tell me he didn't like going with out me but he didn't stop going nor did we do anything together alone. A couple of months ago in a rare moment for both, I saw one of their phones unattended and there it was. The text said "I can't wait to see you today. I am so in love with you I can barely breathe when we are apart". Needless to say it took every ounce in my body to keep breathing in that very moment. Every suspicion, every gut instinct was right. I dont think I believed what I saw but I knew in my heart it was true. I waited to bring it up until we were alone. Initial response was "you went looking for this". Then almost immediately he shifted to it "is not what you think, those are just words, we never intended to hurt anyone, it was just texting." Both denied anything physical. For a week she denied even an emotional affair. She finally started with the same exact excuses he gave me. I did not tell her husband, who is one of my husbands closest friends as well. He does know I severed my friendship with her and I told him it was becasue her and my husbands behaviour was innapropriate and I wasnt comfortable with it. I told him I asked my husband to stop as well. He did not ask me any questions and has not contacted me since. I can only assume he is more comfortable living in denial or with the unknown. My spouse says he wants to be home, chooses me, doesn't love her, it meant nothing, it was a mistake, she was just nice to him etc. I am not blaiming either one and I also it wasn't about me, it was them. I do though feel so very hurt and angry my friend who knew every detail of my marriage from me, shared such intimacy, with him. It is such a violation and betrayal by them both. I am trying to believe it is over. They both swear it and since I didn't tell her husband she'd be an even bigger idiot to continue. Anything I did look into or ask about irritates him, and he says I am snooping and he needs privacy. I read enough other texts and know it wasn't in my head and not new. They maintain it was only a few months. I know details at this point are irrelevant. I feel he should be helping me move by reinforcing what he says and show me. If he truly loves and supports me I would think I could feel it. If he wants to be home, act like and it and not be defensive. I have told them both her husband should know so he can make the decision to stay with her or not as well as to continue or sever his friendship with my husband. They are both staying quiet since I did not tell. I really appreciated reading all the posts. Thank you for the venue to vent.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It must feel like a double betrayal.I have to say that I think you're giving them a pass. They both lied to you and betrayed your trust. He does NOT get "privacy" when he's using that privacy to violate your trust. He lost the right to privacy around the same time he chose to abuse it. If he is even remotely interested in rebuilding your relationship, he needs to stop all contact with this woman, make sure SHE knows there is to be absolutely no contact and then give you access to his phone/computer or any other forms of communication. If he won't do that, then he's clearly making a choice and, sweetie, it ain't you.His being defensive is a counter-move designed to get you to back off. Don't fall for it. You have every right to make demands. You get to set the terms of reconciliation, if there is to be one. And I would absolutely tell her husband. You're right that he deserves to know what's going on and decide if he wants to stay in a relationship where he's being betrayed by not only his wife but his close friend. If they won't tell him, then you should. And don't let them minimize what was going on. I don't care if it was one day, one month or one year. They shouldn't have been doing what they were doing and they know it. Don't let either of them bully you into being quiet or pretending to not know what you know.I don't mean to sound harsh and I know you're likely reeling from all this. But you need to stand up for yourself and demand being treated with respect. He should start by begging you to even consider giving him another chance. And you need to give some serious thought to whether you should bother...Elle
i'm a sad sad person now. Have just found out my husband is cheating on me again....a bit of a background. We have been married for 12 years (together for 14 yrs) and have a lovely little girl (she's 5+) In 2010, i found out he's been visiting prostitutes. The circumstances of how i found out was very unique. I had an inkling (cos we have been fighting constantly after becoming parents) so i actually lied to him and said i had him followed. he had no choice but to admit. Funny thing is he then said he want a divorce cos he said "i simply cant live with someone who spent money to have me followed". Talk about self righteousness! Anyway, i broke down and said i was lying to get him to admit. He then softened a bit and i go crazy, hitting him until my fingers turn blue black. It was a black hole for me. He admitted he thinks he's a sex addict and swore to get help. Purchased books, do internet research etc. we didnt go counseling though, cos we cant afford it. Sadly, his efforts sort of petered off. The books and tapes he purchased got thrown aside to collect dust.Late last year. I found out again from his text. Again, by chance, i borrowed his phone to find a contact. Saw some text messages he exchanged with someone that i do not know of. I was trembling and asked him. The text said something about how he couldnt wait to see her again, how he desires to do so. This was after he was on a biz trip to Singapore (we stay in HK) so she obviously is in Sg. He snatched the phone away and immediately deleted it right away. We sat and talked and altho i was crying, i was shockingly talking in a very calm manner. He talked calmly too. And he apologised saying how he cant lose me. Going to woo me again. said it's a one night stand. he was drunk, blah blah. Thing is, the morning aft, he still called me to say how he missed me not being there to take care of him aft he goes out drinking. Oh and this trip? Me and daughter was just there with him for a few days....and we came back earlier and on that night, he went out for this drinking sessions. Anyway, we went counselling. I cried. He said all the right things in front of the counsellor. He even got the broker who took him out to drink that night to call me and explain the situation to me (he has nevr done that before as he valued his market rep too much!!) and so i fell for his attempts again. I asked myself and i realised i still do love him so i decided to give him another chance. Fast forward to today. He has been acting all strange. I know he's very stressed with his career. being the main breadwinner with debts. I told him we could live simply. And asked him to take it easy. I tried to be as gentle and understanding as possible. I was nothing but supportive. I figured he must be having depression or mid life crisis. And he is fast becoming increasingly agitated with the slightest bit of things. one incident, he even pushed me to the floor (which resulted in me being slightly bruised) in front of my mom and our little girl. He didnt apologise saying i jumped him first! I'm 5ft4 and he's 6ft2. I was merely defending my stand. He then threw his chair across the hall. Right in front of our daughter. Then he apologised to her saying "daddy is sorry u had to see this" and stormed out of the house. He only came back the next morning. And pretended nothing happened. We had a talk and he said hes very stressed by the household...all the screaming and crying and all the noise. he was also becoming increasingly mean to our kid. like asking her to sit like a lady and eat silently...if not he would start to berate her.
We were in taipei for the summer for a month and during the last 2 weeks, he came to join us. Thats when i sensed something wrong. He was constantly taking pics like to show someone and when i asked him he said nothing, just as a record. I wanted to give him benefit of doubt. I tried to emulate our pre baby days. Held his hands, good night kisses, etc. When we came back he said he has no more feelings for me. For this home. I asked for the truth. I said if u have someone, have the decency to let me know. He said we r both staying for the sake of the kid to which i reply no, i stayed becos i still love him and i'm fighting for us. I said if there's someone, pls tell me so i can rearrange my feelings and will not expect anything from him. I do not want to be treated like a fool that is all i asked for. He said if there's someone, he WILL tell me. Then one day, during a sunday outing at a toy shop, i caught him sneakily taking a pic of a pink carebear mug. When i asked him he said nothing. Just some guys and girls asking. and he told me not to ask who cos he wont tell. It all went downhill from there. Again, he said no feelings, etc. Told me that he is living his old life back, doing things that make him happy. How can someone be so selfish??? Next he told me he's going on a biz trip this 10-19sept. 9th was his birthday and for the sake of our kid, we celebrated. I gave him a photo book of pics of us and kiddo. And baked him a cake. But in the midst, i checked his phone and realised his biz trip only lasted till 16th. He applied for leave from 17-19sept. And 19th being the mooncake festival here in HK...our girl was so looking forward to daddy bringing her to play with the lantern. he's being asking me to save money and not spend unnecessarily...and here he is, extending his 6 star hotel stay for 3 more nights at expensive rate. From his email i also saw the pics of him and the OW. He even wrote a poem for her (which he has never done for me) and called her an angel amidst smokey weather...so now, i've been reduced to smokey weather. There was also a pic of her with another man and a child. Not sure if she's also married with kid.
Needless to say, my world is shattered. Its in pieces. I dont know what to do. I then had a Private Investigator hired in Sg to trail them. What i didnt expect is to hear all the heartbreaking details. I went back to the counsellor we went to and pour my heart out. She asked me to stop looking for details and its not healthy for me but i cant stop. It's like i constantly looked for more pain to wake me up and realised he's beyond saving. I didnt tell him i had him followed (for real tis time) cos i'm fearful of what he will do to me if he knows. But i dunno how to confront him. My sister said i shouldnt confront...just pack bags and leave. But thing is1) I'm dependent on him financially (my sis said she will take care of me but how long can that be and i dont wish to burden her)2) priority is my little girl. She's just 5. I'm worried what kind of damage it'll do to her. She just started in a new school and fitting in.3) I think i need the admittance from him to have my closure. sort of like to admit (not to patch things back) that i wasnt the "u think too much" woman he painted me out to be. I want him to take ownership of the guilt and pain he inflicted on me. But how can i do that? Cos the first day he was there, the OW met him at the airport and they were careful not to be intimate. But she accompanied him to the hotel to check in and didnt reemerge when PI had to knock off after 4 hours (altho she didnt bring any luggages so didnt appear to check in with him) Then he sent me 2 texts, one to ask how was i feeling? and the other to say "everything ok?". I didnt reply at all. and he called the next day and when he sensed my coldness he said "u behaving this way is not helping at all" so i said, what do u want me to say? U know what u have done. And he STILL said "i have no one, no one outside ok!" In a dignified tone to boost! How can i get him to take ownership without triggering tht abusive monster ? He wont even admit it! I'm starting to think all those words he said when i discover his one night stands are all false. Lies. Lies even to the counsellor. He is merely always saying things he knew we wanted to hear. And oh, i also found out he's been posting his face pic onto dating websites, taking selfies and all. And also, in 2012, i found this email title with his name as subject reference saying XXX to book lily or sara? So he WAS STILL booking call girls long after the first incident and before i found out about the supposed one night stand.I still want to protect my daughter. As much as a bad father he is....at this age, she adores him. I just dont have the heart....she saw me being sad and asked me several times. he's throwing everything away. And i dont know wat to do and how to move on. A friend advised why dont i stay and pretend i dont know but not treat him merely as a provider and housemate for a few years until our girl grows older. But how does one do that? How do i heal?In my brain, i cant wrap my mind around how to reconcile the man i love and married to this scheming manipulative bastard. He's returning home tom night. I'm lost. pls help anyone!Lost Soul
Lost Soul,You need to get out of that house. He's physically and emotionally abusive. This is about your safety -- and your daughter's. I think you already have all the information you need to know. I don't know what the laws are in HK, but surely you're entitled to some sort of financial support from him for you and your daughter?In any case, take your sister up on her offer and get out. If he chooses to change and you decide you still want to make your marriage work, you can deal with that later. Right now, your daughter should NOT be seeing a man throwing chairs, hurting her mother...and neither should you be using any sort of physical force on him at all. It sounds as if you both could benefit from anger management.He might be throwing everything away but,unfortunately, you can't control that. Especially when you're in the midst of it. Please leave for now, continue to see your counsellor to help you feel strong. Your marriage is not a partnership but a battleground right now. Please take care of yourself and your little girl. She needs a strong mother most of all right now. Elle
It's been 5 months since I found out about my husband's affair. I am still hurt, devasted and sometimes just feel gross out when I look at my husband. What hurts the most is the OW was my husband's niece best friend she had 2 kids of her own unstable and she was only 27 years of age. I am in my mid-30s with a career and all. I found out in my own house and I beat the crap out of her. We had a long talk that night and he told me that it was a mistake he tells mme that it was done and over with that he doesn't talk to her anymore. She has now moved to another state, but just 2 weeks ago I found out that she was vidoe chatting, texting, and calling my husband while I was work on in the wee hours of the morningwhile we were in bed. I have confronted my husband about but he says he doesnt know why she's calling and he as already told her not to call anymore. He even text her and told her to not call or message him anymore that they we done. I haven't really forgiven my husband but I agreed to stay and work things out I didn't want to throw 8 years of my marriage away. I have message her, facebook and text ehr numerous times but she can't seem to stop and she tells me it's my husband that keeps on contacting him
Thanks Elle for the prompt reply. Thing is, i HAVE to get him to agree to moving out. If i move out, it'll be very disturbing for my girl. I tested her earlier by saying why dont we move closer to your school? Just the 2 of us. And she was very sad and asked if we could bring our dog and her toys. She's very intuitive. Ideally, i'd like to be separated from him. But i need him to agree amicably. Cos to this man whom i no longer know...MONEY is EVERYTHING to him. When we fight, he always seems to have this distorted thinking that he has sacrificed EVERYTHING. He thinks that the SOLE role and responsibility of a father and husband is to provide financially. (makes u wonder which century is he from eh?) And so, every time we discussed his parenting, he disagree that he has much to work on, and that he's the perfect dad who gives much material comfort to his daughter. If i so much as to "demand" he moved out, he would flipped and say "why should i be the one that moves?" And then things will turn ugly ....which i'm trying to avoid. He's heavily in debt now....hence i think that's the reason why he's hiding the affair, not becos "he still loves me and dont wish to lose me" cos he knows if i found out (which is the case now) i'd demand for separation/divorce and he cant afford to do that now (maintaining 2 homes)Lost Soul
Lost Soul,As long as you wait for conditions to be ideal, including having a little girl want you to leave her father, you'll be waiting forever. There will always be a reason to stay -- sometimes a good one (ie. not wanting your daughter to deal with the hurt of divorce). But a man who's abusive, and you staying with him, is teaching her that what he does is okay. You're essentially showing her that women need to put up with this. And I suspect that's not what you want her to learn.She's a little girl. Unfortunately sometimes children get wounded as a result of their parents' choices. But removing her from such a toxic situation is better for her, even if it hurts in the short term. And allowing her to love her father, in spite of everything, is good for her too. She can and should still have a relationship with him. But she needs you to take of yourself so that she can learn that women take care of themselves.Of course, it's up to you. But, at the very least, please visit a lawyer and see what possible steps you can take.Elle
To anyone out there who is on Verizon friends and family calling plan: Create a username and password using your cell number. Log in and you will see the other phone(s) on the plan. Select the phone you want to view and click "manage plan". Then you will see a little button on the right that says "usage details". Take a few deep breaths and click on it. Now you are able to see the date and time of all texts and calls. You can even go back three months for texts (you can't see the content, though)and phone records go back 18 months. Anyone who is on the calling plan is able to view the records so you are not snooping or spying. Good luck and I hope this provides some of you with peace of mind (for better or worse)just how much you can trust your husband. Oh, you might want to download the info for your lawyer. My husband sent and received over 6500 texts in one month alone - 99 pages of date/time.
It was a year ago that I confirmed my husband was having an online emotional affair (and I suspect sexual as well) with someone he worked with 35 years ago. We have been married 14 years, it was my first marriage (I'm in my 50's) and I trusted this man with my life. I am somewhat the prototype of some men's ideal woman; model tall w/ a Playmate figure & all American look and well educated, confident and can fish, golf, shoot, ride a horse and smoke cigars as good as any man. I had dated many men over the years, but had never found that one who I was willing to commit to spending the rest of my life with. During my single years I had been exposed to a lot of men cheating and betraying their partners and wives but I thought my husband's values and character were such he would never be capable of such a thing and up until the last 3 years of our marriage it had overall been very fulfilling (July 2010 was when he friended his old colleague, the OW on Facebook, so looking back I think that's when the covert intrusion into our marriage began and his occasional passive aggressive behavior become more frequent).I confronted him about OW and of course he lied repeatedly saying there was no one else, "only friends" until I confirmed it with phone records in his face. I said where do you want to be and of course he said with me, that he was sorry (although the idiot said then and now the second time) "I don't understand why you are so upset, we were only chatting only & texting".My world is upside down since I have learned of this second betrayal.....I can't sleep, think about any thing else but finding more details on the affair since my husband doesn't have the balls to be candid with very many of the details. I have even thought about suicide....(actually was sitting in my car with it running in the garage but remembered my family and friends who love me and how me killing myself would end my pain but leave them in agony so I aborted that course). Last night after sleeping for two hours and lying in bed at 1 a.m. and thinking if there is a blog where other women are sharing their stories. Thank God, I found this one to read stories of the pain and suffering of others......I believe it will help me process some of those poignant lessons and use as data to set a new course for this transition point in my life. I know I will survive this but it really pisses me off even more since I believe that this is the same woman who precipitated a divorce in my husband's first marriage (said he was unhappy & thought they should separate so left two kids under 5 & divorced 6 mos later). Wife #2 died from breast CA after 14 yrs of marriage so she was lucky since I suspect she would have heard the "I'm unhappy" line as well since I think his former colleague has been some sort of a fantasy for all these years, even though she's still married too, nothing to look at (at least not on Facebook :) but a willing OW.I plan to read stories and Elle's insightful responses regularly to use as one of the tools in my tool box to mend myself and get on the other side of this despair. I don't want to waste time, so in order to not miss out on any more minutes and days than I have already wasted on this man (who I suspect as some point in the near future will realize what he has done and lost) I am trying to change my focus to all about him to how can I take the very best care of me!
Your last line is going to be what saves you. Take care of yourself and you'll be amazed at how you can get through this. Take the focus off of the OW. She sounds toxic.Sadly, a lot of us thought our husbands were utterly incapable of cheating. But I've learned that most of us are capable of things we never dreamed under certain circumstances. And that's what your husband needs to figure out. What were the circumstances that allowed him to cheat? What stories was he telling himself to make it okay for him to do this? Without this insight, it can happen again. Without this insight, your marriage doesn't grow stronger.You say he won't give you "details". Though it seems masochistic, so many of us beg for those details. We feel shut out and it's crucial that we feel as if we're on the inside and the OW is on the outside. You can find lots of posts of this site about the need for information about the affair and how important it is for him to answer your questions.It's not clear whether you plan to stay with him or leave. There is no right or wrong way through this. Each of us finds our own path. It's often wise to wait a while before making any permanent decisions. Finding out about a spouse's affair is completely life-changing so we're not always clear about what we want going forward. It's quite fine to take the time to figure it out.Hang in there. You will get through this. The rest of us can light the way.
Thank God I found this site.....I just typed in my story and somehow it disappeared just after I put in the code.....anyway finding this site post discovering my husband has betrayed me for a second time is going to be one of the best tools I can use in my recovery to take care of me!!! Thank you all for sharing cause it's lessons that help to shed light on how destructive it could be if your husband says "we're just friends".....we have only been texting and chatting a little online".
I found out the extent of my husband's contact with the other woman by using a similar system. I didn't confront him with these details even tho he was texting and calling her on birthday's anniversaries and even from his hospital bed in A&E. However I use it to monitor his phone use now and I will know if he contacts her again or if she contacts him without him telling me. It is my insurance.
My problems first started when my father passed away suddenly 2 years ago. I was struggling to come to terms with it and my way of dealing with it all was to shut everyone out. My husband took it upon himself to seek attention from another woman on facebook and they were messaging eachother all the time. Something clicked one day and i just looked on his fb account only to discover all the mssgs. They were nothing more than flirting but i was crushed that he would do this to me when i needed him most. He said i wasnt there for him emotionally or physically. I moved on from this after a few mths but then my husband was diagnosed with depression. We have been through hell over the yrs, both lost parents, 2 businesses failed leaving us in debt etc so i could understand why he was so down but as much as i offered him my support he wouldnt talk to me. He turned to one of my 'friends' and told her allsorts of things. She focused on the parts relating to our marriage and family and used them against me. She contacted me and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore but was staying because of the children etc. They were txting eachother constantly and he woukd sneak round her house without me knowing. He told me at new year that he didnt love me anymore. I was crushed. Id given him everything and this was how he repaid me. We have had so many rows over her and He says its over but i dont believe him. How can i ever learn to trust him after all the hurt. She was my friend and he my husband. They betrayed me. I dont sleep very well now as its on my mind 24/7. Im a shell of the person i used to be. My confidence is shattered and i cant believe what anyone says. He tried to make out it was me with the issues and that it was al in my head but i saw some of the texts they sent. It wasnt just friends or advice. It was at the very least an emotional affair, i dont know to this day of it was or is physical but it makes me feel so sick to even think about it. If i didnt have 3 children with him id have left months ago but im trying for them and for the fact that im an idiot and still love him even after all the hurt he has caused me.
Anonymous,I'm sorry for everything you've gone through – losing your Dad, your husband's betrayal, losing businesses. It's a lot of loss and grief to process.Your husband is a master at deflecting responsibility. He needs to start be getting his depression treated and under control. And he needs to acknowledge the pain he's caused you. You can take a good look at yourself and your own role in the breakdown of your marriage. It's normal to grieve the loss of a parent and you should be able to count on a spouse to support you through it. But did you "shut him out?" This isn't about blame -- it's about responsibility. Owning up to what we're accountable for...and what we're not.Whether or not there was physical infidelity or not, he betrayed your trust. He took what was private between the two of you and invited a third person in. This third person also betrayed your trust.But...you can't change them. You CAN change yourself. You can tell yourself as often as you need to hear it that this betrayal was about HIM not you. This is not about you not being loveable or worthy. It's about his own insecurities and loss and inability to deal with it in a healthy way. So you need to ensure that you process this in a healthy way. If possible, find someone who can help you through this -- a counsellor, a minister, a social worker. Read what you can about grief and loss and betrayal. And take good care of yourself physically -- eat well, exercise. You've been through a lot and you need to nurture yourself. Treat yourself with respect and kindness.Then, if he's able to accept responsibility for what he did and stop blaming you, it's possible to rebuild a marriage. He needs to cut off all contact with his FB friend and your mutual friend. He needs to commit himself to understanding why he went outside your marriage. Both of you need to understand what had led to the breakdown of the marriage so that you can figure out how to go forward.You're not an idiot. You're a woman who's been through a lot. Be gentle with yourself.Elle
Thanks for your reply. I didnt see that i shut him out, intalked to him about i felt but there wasnt anything sexual between us for a while. I felt down and didnt have it in me at the time. I thought he understood but clearly he needed more attention so went elsewhere. He has been treated for his depression and is so much better in that respect. As for cutting off all contact it wont happen. Ive asked him seversl times not to have contact with this woman but she keeps phoning and texting him and he cant say no. Its like a thrill for him. I know they are in contact as he is different towards me, distant. Non physical. I dont have evidence as he deletes everything so i cannot act upon it.
There's simply no way to rebuild a marriage as long as he's in touch with her. If he won't cut off contact, even knowing how hurtful it is to you and how damaging to your marriage, then he's making a choice. He needs to allow you access to his computer/phone/whatever in order to re-establish trust. If he won't allow that, then, again, he's making a choice.I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you're continuing to deal with. But nothing will change until you insist upon it. You can't change him...but you can change how you respond to him and what you will or will not tolerate.Elle
This is a double-whammy, and probably different than most people's stories on this blog... I found out in early August that my husband of almost 11 years cheated on me, but the thing is I cheated too. His affair was for a few months right around the time of our first wedding anniversary, and mine was for a few months one year later. Neither of us had any clue. We married young and we had many, many difficulties in our marriage back then. Life is different now... we're grown together, learned how to communicate better, have mutual friends, have a daughter and I'm pregnant now too. The time of our early marriage was very very hard because we lived on the East Coast (we're from the West) and he had a demanding job that was basically his life. His theory back then was to focus solely on work and later in life, he'd live. I was miserable and lonely, and he was stressed out from his job on a daily basis. Anyway, we want to stay together and make it work, and boy are we working hard. Almost too hard. We talked every day for hours for the first two months, and now we're both exhausted from all the crying and stress and yucky feelings of getting over an affair. I should say he also told me that there was one time a few years ago when he was out drinking with his softball team and cuddled and "stuff" with another girl, but he thinks he didn't kiss her. His affair has totally thrown me for a loop. I understand my own because I remember how awful I felt then, how I wanted a baby and he would say "ask me again in 5 years". But it hurts me that he started cheating before our first anniversary! I would have bet millions of dollars that he never ever would have cheated. What makes this doubly hard is that I have not told anyone except one friend who lives very far away, and we email sometimes. I am seeing a therapist which is helpful, but otherwise I feel completely on my own and have no support. I don't want to tell anyone about the affair because I'm afraid that, even if I can move on someday, other people won't be able to. I don't want to be reminded of the affair when I don't want to be. I haven't wanted to know the details of his affair. He wanted to know about mine, and I told him. He didn't love her, he just was attracted to her and got an ego boost. For what it's worth, I knew her and thought she was quite ugly, but it's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem because it makes me think, am I ugly? I used to feel fine about my appearance and now I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate how I look. I wish I could change my face, my hair, everything, but I can't. I don't know how to feel better about myself. I need to like myself again. How can I do that? Thanks.Marie
Hi Marie,Even though the affairs happened long ago, learning about it now probably makes it seem as if it's happening right now. So much of what you're feeling is the same as anyone else learning about a spouse's affair.Given that you had an affair yourself would give you some insight into how easy it is to slip into something for escape. No matter that you think your circumstances were somehow more deserving of cheating, each of you was using the affair to escape feelings you weren't capable of communicating to each other. And that's what you both need to figure out. More importantly, what messages did each of you give yourselves that allowed you to cross that line...and how can you ensure that you won't cross it again. Life is ups and downs so you'll continue to experience some lows. You each need to trust that the other isn't going to jump into bed with someone else at the first sign of difficulty. Are you in marriage counselling? That seems like the most logical place to sift through much of the baggage that each of you is left. I think once you get clearer on the reasons behind his affair, you'll be able to let go of the notion that it had anything to do with your physical appearance.I also wonder if your sudden issues around self-esteem have to do with owning up to your own affair. I don't think you feel too good about your own choice to cheat. I can imagine it might feel good to imagine almost making yourself over and starting again.Whatever drove each of you, it's worth figuring out to ensure that it doesn't happen again.Elle
Found out my husband was having an emotional affair for over a year with so done we knew through town. We are trying to work things out, although he has wanted me to et over faster than I was ready for. My question is has anyone ever had to experience running into the affair partner through town functions and so firth and how did you handle that? I have difficulties when I see her out in town and it brings up the whole thing for me again.
After I found out about an emotional affair that my husband had with a friend of his best friend's fiance, he was asked to be in their wedding....and, of course, the OW was in the wedding too. It was difficult to say the least. Honestly, I don't think I handled it very well. If looks could kill, she would have died several times during the wedding and reception. I keep having that image of them at the altar. While we live in another town, he visits his friends occasionally, which makes me worry that he will run into her.
That can be really tough. Like a constant reminder or fear of being reminded, which can keep you totally off balance. I created a sort of plan for how I would respond. I knew what I would say (I even rehearsed it), what I expected my husband to do if he was with me, and so on. It helped me feel prepared and help reassure me that my husband and I were a team, and she was our opponent. I did run into her a few times (she worked with my husband but was let go) and knowing that I needed to sort of be on auto-pilot (revert to my script) really helped. Remember YOU did nothing wrong. You can hold your head high. She's the one who should be feeling ashamed and off balance.As for your husband wanting you to be over it?? They all do. They all want this to magically disappear so that they don't have to experience guilt/remorse/embarrassment/etc. But it doesn't work that way. Experts say THREE to FIVE YEARS to move past betrayal. It gets better...but it takes a long time.Elle
Got married this yr in May, found out in Aug that my husband had been having an emotional and physical affair w a married coworker since June, less than one month after we got married! We have been together for 9 years, he was my first bf which makes this even more painful. He had a lot of problems and instead of confiding in me, someone else or dealing w his issues in a mature and healthy way, he instead decided it was better to run away from our marriage and have an affair. I asked him to move out 2 days after he told me and he said he stayed w a male coworker for a wk then the next wk he moved home and I was led to believe he's been home w his dad since then however I found out from his male coworker that he had only stayed w him for 2 days and at home for 2 days, the rest of the time and even now he has been staying w the OW. I can't believe they can be so evil, self-centered and have such a lack of morals. It's so clear why he was so adamant that he had no feelings for me and was ready to move on, he had already moved in w the OW, obviously if they're continuing to live in their sin there's no way he will see how destructive their decisions are right now. She is married and has 2 kids, I know she's really messed up because her and her husband have an 'open marriage' or are 'separated.' So during our separation I kept holding on to the hope that he would want to reconcile or change. I read a ton of articles online and books, talked with friends, met up w my husband 4-5 times and talked to him online and have even been going to counseling. I can't believe I wasted all this time for someone who has no heart.He had lied and said that they weren't seeing each other during our separation and continued to manipulate me by saying that him and her agreed that this was wrong and they were trying to be patient and wait and see what they want and he didn't want to be with her because of me and his situation. It's disgusting to know now that he kept lying to my face and pretending he was doing this for himself and didn't want to be w her when in actuality he's been sneaking around having fun w her while I'm being miserable waiting around at home by myself believing him. I'm glad his coworker finally told me or I would still be an idiot waiting around and wasting more time on someone who is not worthwhile and doesn't deserve my love anymore. For now I'm concentrating on healing and gathering my strength to leave him. It will be difficult but at least I know I can leave now with no regrets. I'm not sure if I should be the one to file for the divorce, I feel he hasn't because he's been trying to come up w all these excuses trying to pin the blame on me for 'driving' him to have an affair which is childish and is probably waiting for me to file so he can tell people, "well she was the one that wanted a divorce" so he'll look better. The other alternative to me filing is to confront him, tell him to stop being a coward and to be a man and file for divorce if he wants to be w her so bad. It's so selfish that he can continue to have an affair while I've been faithful this whole time and will still continue to be until the end of the divorce because I value the commitment of marriage.
I'm so sorry for this. Not the dream you thought you getting, huh! I know it's excruciating.However, you're going to rid yourself of these toxic people. Stop worrying about what he's doing, who he's doing it with and when. He's a liar. Liars lie. She deserves him so let them go stew in their own toxic sludge together.You're going to figure out what's absolutely best for YOU. You're NOT going to play their stupid games. You're going to file for divorce, say as little to him as humanly possible, and move on with your life which is going to be WONDERFUL. Don't for a second worry about what other people think. You did nothing wrong but marry a jerk, which hopefully will give you radar so you'll avoid them from now on. If he needs to blame it on you, then that only speaks further of his poor moral character. Take the high road on this one. You'll be proud of yourself, which is more than he (or she) can say.I promise you that you'll get through this but you need to put the focus back on you and what you need to heal from this and move forward. Thoughts of making them look bad, or revenge, or getting even are simply keeping you stuck in the muck with them. Pull yourself free and move forward.Elle
A month ago I found my husband of 15 years had an affair for the past year.To top it off the other woman befriended me after it began for the sole purpose of being around my husband more.She introduced to her husband to mine and planned golfing activities for them to get to know each other better.WORSE ,my daughter being three years older than hers,embraced the big sister role by being able to play with dolls and things that you just don't do with your 12 year old friends.The most time was being invested into being a best friend to me. She was with me or talked to me everyday for a year. I am sure she and I spent more time together than she ever spent with my husband. Although she is 11 years younger than me,we shared the same sense of humor, and sadly the same insecurities. I saw her going through the same struggles I had went through not that long ago. I could see so many similarities, maybe I felt sorry for her or sorry for myself (the me I used to be). I was very protective of her.She did not have a good relationship with her mother.She had no respect for her mother and I totally understood why, yet I would tell her don't treat your mother that way, because it makes you a bad person. A couple of times she ask me "can I call you momma?" I said no,"I'm not old enough to be your momma". Then other times at my home with my 14 year old son and 12 year old daughter she would say "I want to be one of your kids." My kids adored her, my son is very shy and she called herself his girlfriend, told him how cute he is and how the girls are going to be crazy over him. She is only 14 years older than my son, the same age difference as my husband and her.
Ok let me back up because I know you are wondering how this woman came into our lives. My cousin is married to her cousin. My cousin wanted to take a cruise to Alaska,and talked about getting a group together to get better rates.So this slut went, brought her daughter along,but her husband stayed at home with their toddler.Of course cruises are known for the gambling which my husband loves and I hate, now add the alcohol, which has always changed everything about him, from his voice to his facial expressions, and most of all his judgement. So,yep you got it, somehow they went from strangers to screwing on this cruise that was a family event, both our children were with us. I am still here for one reason only,my husband and I had been having major problems in our marriage for quite awhile,nothing at all to do with infidelity. t was just life taking it's toll on both of us,taking each other for granted and that sort of thing. Both selfishly waiting on the other one to do their part first. I had a ex-lover contact me after running into him in Walmart, of all places. He immediately told me how beautiful I was, he went on and on.Then about a week later he called my house, I even told my husband about it. His reply was",well I'm not worried about it because if you are dumb enough to be with that pathetic SOB then I don't need you." Also, let me add here that my husband, for what ever reason, never told me I was pretty. He did once while dating. Surely he must because he married me. But I guess on some level, it bothered me.The next time my ex-lover called I talked to him. We JUST talked. I know it was inappropriate. I was really thinking about filing for divorce, NOT to be with ex-lover. Prior to running into the ex-lover I asked my husband if he ever thought he might be happier with someone else, he cried and said yes. I suggested separation and marriage counseling. He agreed, but before I could find a proper arrangement for living during the separation, he checked phone records and saw that I had talked to ex-lover. He was devastated, but wanted to make things work,he said no to the separation. I had no problem telling the ex-lover to never contact me again.I was glad my husband had found out before I had a chance to screw up, this was a wake up call for me. Also for the first time in years my husband seemed to have an interest in me. Well that only lasted about 3 months. He no longer trusted me,very understandable.3 months after finding out I talked to my ex was when the cruise took place. So I can understand how an affair happened in our marriage. If I never knew her, I would be so much better at getting past this. Our problems existed already, it shouldn't even be about her.But SHE made it personal. She could have just had her affair and never got to know me. But she did and then She tried to convince him that I didn't love him. She learned of our problems and used them against us. She would say I deserved better than him and she believed he was cheating on me and he was such an asshole in the way he speaks to me.The affair had finally ran its course and they became sick of one another. She was demanding to see him, or to end it with him if he didn't leave me by a certain time, by this time he had realized that I wasn't so bad after all, and he didn't want to leave me and our family. But she would call again, asking him in to seeing her one more time. I think she wanted to get caught, because that is what happened.Her husband looked through her phone and found text she never deleted. She confessed everything and her husband told me.
Wow, this woman is absolutely twisted. Stay as far away from her as you can. What do you and your husband want to do? If you plan to trying to rebuild your marriage, then this woman needs to be absolutely cut out of your lives (and the lives of your kids). It's hard when kids are involved, I know. But simply saying that she had been dishonest and that you can't tolerate dishonesty in a friendship is probably all they need to know.It's good that you're recognizing the problems in your marriage prior to the affair. And kudos to you for acknowledging how easy it can be to fall into an affair when you believe you're unappreciated and so on. It sounds as if you're husband was telling himself the same story. So, first stop, I think, is to a marriage counsellor's office so that you two can start figuring out what each of you is doing to contribute to a marriage in crisis.Unfortuantely, the affair causes a whole lot more damage so doing triage is a crucial part of rebuilding the marriage. But then you have to get down to the business of dissecting it. When a marriage is in crisis, it's likely because each of you has let small resentments and disappointments simmer for years. Perhaps believing that it really isn't all that bad. But they build up and boil over, as each of you discovered.Hang in there. Get rid of the OW...and then move forward.Elle
Twisted I posted originally for you to "tell me what to do" or ask you when I would be ok. After I read your reply, I realized I had already made several of the steps that you suggested. To answer your question "What do we want to do?", we are together and closer in some ways that we were before.The thought never entered my mind to leave. I stood my ground and said "aw hell naw bitch you are not destroying my family". I went into protective mode and I told her husband to STOP with the details. I wanted to know when it began, and did his penis enter her vagina? And how sure of it was he. He said she confessed everything and intercourse took place starting on the cruise.That was all I wanted to hear from him. I can't remember exactly what my first words to my husband were, it was over the phone, and he came straight home to talk about it. At first he tried to lie about intercourse, until I told him how I knew. The first day he tried to say it was because he didn't believe I loved him. And by me talking to my ex he just couldn't be sure that nothing more than talking took place Blah,Blah,Blah. I went into a rage,I broke things,I slashed the seats on our pontoon boat,4 days prior her,hubby and kids and our family rode on it. The next two days I sobbed uncontrollably. The shock was horrific. The nightmares were insane. The images were relentless, they played over and over. I read how others took control of their images and changed them up,so I imagined her headless, like a chicken you see in the supermarket. Every time the image tried to intrude I would picture him screwing a supermarket chicken. To my amazement my mind stopped imagining it. So, that proves that we do try to pain shop, when no longer a trigger for pain, the images stopped. After about a week, I found that I could actually get busy with housework and make it an hour or two without thinking about it, BUT when I did it would hit me so hard, just like I had heard it for the first time. The periods of time that I could go without thinking about it, were becoming longer but still the shock was fresh
She texted me apologizing for hurting me, telling me that she did befriend me at first to be around him more but then she really became my friend and its me she is sorry for to lose. BULLshit! After talking with my husband calmly I learned that she had manipulated both of us. That is when I learned that she told him I loved my ex and fanaticized about him and was just waiting on him to leave me so I could be with him. She figured since they got caught he would leave me and be with her. NOPE he was sad to see me hurting but it was a burden lifted and he was relieved to not have to worry about her getting mad and telling me or me finding out. I texted her back telling her what she had with him were stolen moment,stolen from his family, that is all you ever had.you never had his heart. I told her I didn't want to talk to her ever again. then I blocked her number from our phones. Don't get me wrong it is still hard to swallow, it sounds like something out of a lifetime movie. But by reading everything I could from others experiences I am now able to control when and how I think about it. Again thank you so much for the strength it took to start your blog
Yes it does sound like you are already doing much of what is recommended in the wake of finding out about a spouse's affair. And it also sounds as if you're moving along quite well. You likely will continue, for awhile, to have those sudden realizations, when it feels like you're just finding out all over again. We've often discussed on this site that many of us experience post-trauma symptoms – and that feeling is one of the symptoms. Remind yourself that you're safe and doing okay. I LOVE the headless chicken thing. That is pure genius. But you're right -- we have much more control over where we allow our minds to go than many of us realize.You're on the right track. Hang in there.Elle
I'm sure I sound like everyone else when I say my husband is the man of my dreams. We fell in love fast and were married within a year. I had never met anyone like him and was the happiest I have ever been in my life. We have always been a power couple that our friends admitted to being envious of. We were so close, loving, and somewhat straight laced. My husband has always been a goodie-two-shoes (no drugs, limited alcohol, loathes smoking, hardly ever cusses, etc.) He is a great father. I am t-ball mom and he is the coach. A couple of years ago, right after our only child was born, my husband lost his job which was a huge blow to our finances. My full time job was decent but not anywhere near enough to support our family. We were living quite comfortably and my husband had a really great job that came with a company car and free gas. When he lost his job, he was literally laid off and dropped off. We had a 5 month old baby and could afford to pay our house note AND keep the utilities up so we made the decision to move in with my and keep our house notes up so we did not ruin our credit in the meantime of him searching for employment. Even though he has a business degree and years of experience it seemed near impossible for him to find adequate work. Even McDonalds would not hire him because he was "over qualified." During this time we were also dealing with some family issues on his side of the family and he became extremely depressed. He would not admit but we all saw it. He was just never himself again. I never understood what it does to a man to not be able to support his family, but I do now. We were forced to live at my parents for exactly one year and when my husband finally found another job (nothing compared to his previous job) we decided it would be best for us to move back home where we could be a family without chaos. I don't care how good of a family you have- it's tough to move back into your parents period but then bring a baby and a husband with you and it's an entirely different level! Anyway, we moved back home things were getting better but he was still not the same. He was always good to me- he just had lost that "you're the love of my life" attitude. He no longer was as protective as he once was, never jealous like he used to be, did not want to do anything around the house, withdrew from our friends. Before all of this we used to entertain all the time and have lots of friends over for dinner parties, football games, board game nights, etc. It was as if something in him died when he lost his job. A lot of nights over the past couple of years I have asked him if he still loved me the same as he used to or if he was happy with me and he always replied with various forms of "of course.. why would you even ask me that?" I always shook it off and went on even though I knew something was not right. TO BE CONTINUED. TOO LONG FOR ONE POST.
CONTINUED...PART II OF IIIOn July 26, 2013 I received a scholarship for my teaching education and also resigned from my 7 year job at the local University to finish my education. It was a BIG time for us. It was also the worst night of my life. I was awoken from a very deep sleep to my husband bawling his eyes out telling me he needed to tell me something. I jumped up because it scared me. I thought someone had died and flipped the light one. The words I heard and will never ever forget were, "Baby, I have been seeing someone. I am so sorry." Long story short he slept with one of the kids on our t-ball team's mom. She sat by me at every t-ball game watching our sons play ball together and our husbands coach together. We are not real close to them but close enough. We live in a small town and everyone knows each other. We have one grocery store- Walmart. He slept with her three times during the month of July on his lunch breaks. They were both playing that app, "Words with Friends" and one evening after the game was through, she messaged him and it all started there. She began to flirt and he flirted. Then it got sexual and then it turned into "I wonder what would happen if we were ever along together?" Soon she was meeting him in the mall parking lot sleeping with him in the backseat of her husband's F150. She is a stay at home with 2 children (4 years and 5 months). Her husband is a police officer. How stupid is that?! Did he really think he could sleep with a police officer's wife and him never find out? Over a 5 week period, the OW sent my husband 37 pornographic pictures of herself. He would receive these disgusting messages while he was at work and while he was at home with me and our son. He was exhausted the entire month of July because he never slept. It's tough living a lie!! I had no clue. I apparently sleep so good that I never noticed him getting up several times in the middle of the night to go to the "bathroom." TO BE CONTINUED.
CONTINUED PART 3 OF 4 (thought i could do it in 3 but did not work) ...On July 26 after my celebratory dinner the OW made one mistake and that's all it takes... she fell asleep after sending a message to my husband. He replied back to her and her police officer husband came home early from the night shift. He saw her phone lighting up and picked it up only to find a message from my husband that read, "Goodnight beautiful. Dream of me." He then responded to my husband and then tried to come to our house to kill him. He told him he better wake me up and tell me right then or he was going to when he got to our house. ALL of this is taking place while I'm asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He ended up not coming to our home because my husband finally told me. I have been in another world ever since. My first plan was to pack all of my stuff, find a place to live after I got my job back since I now would have to support myself and child, and of course get a divorce BUT then somehow I found a place of forgiveness in my heart. I saw a HUGE amount of pain in my husband’s eyes. It was like he finally woke up out of that depression he had been in and realized what he had done to his family. He was in fetal position crying for what seemed like hours on our couch crying out to God and asking for forgiveness. He goes to church now, prays over our family, treats my like a princess, swears he will spend the rest of his life proving his love and making this up to me, and acts like the old him that was lost when he lost his job. I chose to stay. It sounds weird but we are all over each other. We make love almost every night and can’t keep our hand off one another. BUT I just can’t get past it. We go to counseling every week and I have cried every single day since July 26. I have lost 28lbs since then and have no motivation to do anything. I am so heartbroken that I have dropped out of school (only 1 semester left before graduating), left all social media other than this, don't hardly talk to friends, and have no desire to be a teacher anymore. I feel love sick, heartbroken, mournful, and completely lost right now. He was my best friend and although I see him trying to make this work and I really want it to work too... I can't get past it and I know I need to if I want this to work. I CHOSE to stay here.
CONTINUED PART 4 of 4...I wonder how long I will have flashbacks of that night, thoughts of her on top of him in that truck, and this deep deep sadness that is consuming me. I feel like a part of me died. Our counselor has put me on antidepressants and they seem to help a bit but I don't know how long I can keep this up. All I do is RUN RUN RUN! I take my aggression out on the pavement and run for the first time in my life. I want to move away from here so bad- my hometown. I want to put our house up for sale and disappear from here so our family can heal. Even if it's just for a year or two and then we can move back close to our families if we think its best. Every time I leave my house I see something that reminds me of her. The ball park is a huge trigger for me and of course our mall now. Every F150 I see shuts me down. I drive 45 minutes out of the way to go to the next cities Walmart just do I won't run into her. I know I have done nothing wrong and should not go out of the way but honestly I do not want to EVER see her again. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I have got to get myself together. I can't remind my husband every day of what he did... he already knows and is hating himself because of it! Even our counselor agreed and said that he was suffering from PTSD since the loss of his job, vehicle, home, and family problems he went through. It was going to take something BIG to wake him up to reality and unfortunately it came at the expense of his wives heart. Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? I just wanted my husband back the way he was before.. and I got him.. just after he had to have an affair to realize what he already had right in front of him. THIS SUCKS and I would not wish it on anyone, except for the OW of course. I wrote her a 7 page letter and mailed it to her with our family return address stamped on the front. I would have paid money to see her reaction when she saw our last name. HA. It was the classiest, meanest letter you could ever read. On top of all of this- my family does not know. I am very close to them and they have been so worried about me because they can tell something is different. I look different for one- I am 30 years old and my face is sinking in, huge circles around my eyes, and even accumulated some gray hairs. They have asked several times if I am okay because I am acting different. I just can't bring myself to tell my close knit family who absolutely love him and actually know HER. They would be devastated and never look at him the same again. Our world is forever shaken. So, that's my sob story and I wish it wasn't. The End. Love, E
E,I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your pain is written in every line.We've talked a lot on this site about post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD -- which seems the perfect acronym), an actual thing that many of us experience. It's pretty much like PTSD, and symptoms include panic, anxiety, a feeling of being right back then when it first happened. It took me a long time to recognize that much of what I was experiencing -- the rapid heart rate when I saw a car the same model as hers, etc. -- we PISD. Infidelity is trauma, so it shouldn't surprise us that we respond to it that way. With everything else you were going through, your world must suddenly feel very unsafe. It's that lack of feeling "safe" that can stand in the way of healing.Healing is particularly difficult when evidence of the affair could, literally, be around the corner each day. I don't blame you at all for driving far out of your way to avoid her. In fact, I think that's healthy. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and to be able to just breathe, if only momentarily. I do suggest you share what you're going through with your family. Tell them you don't want their judgement and that it will be hard, but that you simply want them to support both of you as you heal. They must be frightened for you and if you think they can do it, I think the support for you would be wonderful. I'm wondering if you're someone who's forever keeping everyone else okay. Maye it's time to stop demanding that of yourself. To let others take care of you for a change. Keeping up the charade is exhausting. What's more, it keeps you in a place of shame and you have nothing to be ashamed of.I'm also concerned that you're giving up your own goals. I hope you'll look at this as a temporary setback -- the chance to get back your strength before you resume your goals. You sound like someone who threw herself into everything, which can be wonderful. But it can also make discovering a spouse's betrayal even worse. It makes you wonder who you are if you're not what everyone thought you were.I get the feeling that you need to give yourself permission to just be angry and hurt. To acknowledge just how deeply you've been wounded. And then, to slowly recognize that they can't keep you down. That you're stronger than that. That time does indeed work magic if we do our part by refusing to "pain-shop", refusing to give in to the mind movies, refusing to allow others' actions to define us. It's not easy -- none of this is. But it is possible. Especially for someone who seems as task-oriented as you. Consider giving yourself a time allowance to indulge in the pain. Like you, I ran. I would go out when it had just become dark and let myself cry and inwardly rage the whole time. By the time I came home, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Consider using that as your time. The rest of the time, tell yourself to wait until it's your time. Won't always work...but it will some of the time, which is improvement. Each time you find yourself focussed on something else -- how beautiful your children look, a starry night, how great you look in skinny jeans -- make note of it. Take a mental snapshot and use that as evidence that you're getting better in tiny increments. This takes way longer than any of us could have imagined.
DD1 was almost 3 months ago. I tell you the weeks, the days, weeks, hours... WH had been having an emotional affair for 2 years and a physical affair for at least 9 months with his coworker. OW is also someone I considered one of my best friends. WH was also friends with OW's husband. The wives would spend time together. The husbands would spend time together. And the families would spend time together. We freaking went on a almost week long vacation with them in June. I wanted to talk to WH about making OW/spouse guardians of our kids if something happened. I consider DD2 almost a month ago, that is when I found out that the emotional stuff had been going on for 2+ years probably. The lovely walks together started in January 2011. The sad thing is I probably would have been ok for a while if I would have known. But what I didn't know is they were spending time alone together on their days off. They both worked 4-10 shifts, so each of them had at least 1 day off during the week. Conveniently, she did the schedule for them. He was always home at night. If he wasn't, he was either bowling or golfing with the guys/brothers. It was the times when on their days off they would meet at MY house, her house in her son's bed, her mothers house, a quickie in each vehicle before work. Take a shower in the bathtub that I have to bathe my kids in. And those are the only ones that I know about. Who knows what I don't know. In January, WH, OW, OW's husband, and our youngest son when to FIL's cabin for the weekend to go snowmobiling. I stayed home with the other two kids. While, WH and OW were screwing around in the next room that my son and her husband were sleeping in. At the beginning of July, I finally went with my gut and asked if there was anything emotional going on. He said no, of course not. About a week later he said, "well, if guess the relationship between them isn't good if I had a problem with it." He said there had never been anything physical.And then he got a phone call at the end of July and looked panicked. OW had told her husband. Her husband threatened to tell me.... "You know when you asked if anything physical was going on......"I asked when did it start....... The answered changed - After the guys bowling trip... Just before the bowling trip.... April.... February.... January.... The dates kept on shifting. I know I was rattling off 100s of questions and wanted immediate answers. But he lived it.... But WH never thought of the kissing as being physical... And there was no official penetration. I guess I start kissing any guy I want... I guess touching and no actual penetration doesn't count as physical or cheating either.. He said he has always loved me 100%. And says he will defend that to the end. I still say bull crap on that. I say you can't love me 100% and still love and be with another woman like that. Yes... They both confessed they loved each other. OW's husband keeps texting me too. I have quit being his pawn in this game. I was trying to be nice since I know what he was going through. But the last one texting exchange lead me to find out that the emotional/holding hands & walking started in January 2011...It really pissed me off that I had called him on their relationship in September of 2012 and April of 2013. But they were "just friends". And I guess since all 4 of us were friends, I didn't think anything could be going on.
Now what to do... We have been going to couples therapy and he has been going to individual therapy. He says he is very remorseful. I want to believe it. I want to believe there has been no contact other then strictly work related. They haven't had any unaccounted for days off together. I guess that is the good thing about her doing the schedule... How can I know. I can check his email every minute, but he could be faster then me. After the September fight, he quit texting so often and they went underground to email. I check the phone records, but who is to say they don't have disposable phones... The other thing is about intentions. He says his intention was never to leave me, but how do I believe that now. It bugs me about what her intentions where too. At one point, OW told her spouse that if things didn't work out between them, she would pursue my husband again. Her spouse said OW is only happy if they talk/think about the future and not the past. I said it won't work if you don't work through what was the issues in the first place. The answer back was OW wasn't getting enough quality time... I know I am going through the grieving process. I am part way between denial and absolute anger. But it is so hard to see the light of the end of the tunnel. We had been married 9 years (10 in April) and have three kids. Right now, I don't know what to think of our marriage and if we even had one. I didn't realize the lack of communication we had. Part of me is afraid that I never have known him. If he was never telling me his issues, how should I have known?
What you're feeling is quite normal, under the circumstances. Normal to wonder if he's a total stranger. Normal to wonder whether anything in your marriage was real. When we discover what capable liars our spouses are, it makes everything they've ever said or done suspect.What do YOU want to do? You've outlined what he wants...but what about you? If you want to rebuild your marriage, I think he needs to find another job. Or at least another shift. You need to completely cut this woman (and her husband) out of your lives. She is a threat to your marriage.And you need to ensure that you have access to all your husband's e-mails/computers/phones/etc. In order to rebuild trust, you need to be able to verify that what he's saying now is the truth. The counselling will help both of you sift through what was going on that allowed him to make this choice.Give yourself time to continue to grieve, to go through the various stages. Be gentle with yourself. If there were problems in the marriage re. communication, that can be addressed in counselling. But at no point did those problems make it okay for him to cheat.Elle
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I feel like I've been lost in a place where everything looks familiar but no longer means what they used to mean. A beautiful walk in nature where I connect my spirituality and the beautiful colors and lessons of the outdoors, for example, have turned into a walk where I wonder what my partner is doing at home. Before I write of what happened and where I'm stuck , Ill share a short piece of me. I think life is precious and brief - a cherished gift. I wake thankful for each day and end it with more gratitude. I have survived a traumatic childhood and breast cancer in my late 40's. But I don't think of myself as "survivor" - I think of myself as continually learning about me , the world, and those I'm blessed to share it with - known and unknown. I have been through many different practices towards healing old trauma including counseling and neurobiological approaches which have been very helpful.I met someone wonderful. I'm lesbian so, by default, she is female. smile. It was in all ways the relationship I had been looking for. We connect in all ways - values, humor, service back to this world, understanding the preciousness of life, adventures, simple time at home, romantic, more.... I thought we also shared the same value about fidelity - she swore she was devoted to me, committed to the relationship. "would never do that - promised." Then her other girlfriend found me on the internet FB and everything unraveled and we cling on to putting it all back together.The deceit is the most horrible, I read text and emails she sent the OW - I talked to the OW - no longer in contact though. My partner did not admit to the details I had, still insisting on the extent of what happened - then finally agreeing but offering no new information. Her version was that she was los- she said she told her what she thought she wanted to hear... a "lost time" for her based on her own difficult childhood - I could see that given what I know of her and also from what the ow told me.It has been a clydescope of shock, trauma, anger, grief, and trying to understand what to believe. Its like two experiences. On one hand my partner ended the other relationship, went to counseling, is going to counseling with me, opened her email and phone records to me. On the other hand, there are things which still feel secretive and talking about hose things leads to fights. A bit about the fighting, the affair was like a porthole to our old wounds - our / my fighting - yelling, saying things I couldn't believe came out of me - it all providing an unwelcomed opportunity to look at that behavior which did not align with my values and I've done much work on that. My partner has also done work on her defensiveness and what she does under threat. And underneath all that understanding - I have not been able to ask her about things that don't feel good to me without us fighting about it.I'm an author and often think of this as having two possible endings - 1) the trauma of all this has my filters off and I'm misinterpreting what is happening. 2) she became more sophisticated on how to hide contacts with someone else -- she was sophisticated to begin with. Its all about trust - do I trust her? do I trust my intuition - which I admit has been wrong while under trauma and then spot on other times. I'm done with cashing her every move and looking at her phone - really if there's someone there, she is hiding it and I also want my life back - my full life, my full being in the world and not hijacked by suspicion of her actions. The love is intense and really beautiful and there are some days when I can admit, I may never know if there is still someone else and I can go on with her or I need to leave and end this torment and again fully enjoy walks in nature, though without her they will not be the same..... I'm stuck. I want my life back - the one I came so close to having after a lifetime of working towards it.... thank you for listening.
Marie,I'm so sorry for not only what you're going through now but the pain you've soldiered through from childhood. Like you I thought I'd worked through all that stuff and my reward was this wonderful marriage. Not so much.The thing with betrayal is it frequently re-opens old wounds that we thought were healed -- issues around trust and abandonment, worthiness and our safe place in the world. I'm getting the sense that you don't completely believe she's being honest. I'm curious why you feel that way. Is it fear of this happening again? Or is there some gut feeling that things just don't line up?In any case, it's really hard to make long-term decisions in the midst of the post-trauma storm of betrayal. Can you simply give yourself some time with no pressure to figure out whether you stay or go? For some people, it's a kneejerk reaction to dump their partner. Others know from the get-go that they want to work it out. Others, like me, needed time. To sift through everything and determine what I wanted...and whether my husband was willing to do the incredibly hard work of earning back my trust.You will get your joy back. You've done it before and you'll get there again. But right now, your responding to trauma in the way we do. Remain open to joy. Trust that you'll know what's right for you. And that you can be your own safe place in the world.Elle
Dear Marie,Rather than trying to make a decision now on whether you should stay or go, try and give yourself a decision holiday. It won't be out of your mind, but I can remember those long vacations in the days before internet that we thought about things whilst on holiday but you couldn't really put anything into action. The usual stuff, must change bank accounts, must do decorating, must ring mother in law and cancel Christmas, you think about them but you know that you wont be dealing with them just yet.I do feel that you're concerned that things have been kept from you and that she is smart so she will have the ability to hide things from you. Tell her! Let her hear your concerns, try and set times to discuss but have a cut off point until the next " discussion" Write things down in-between and see if they are still worrying you at your next discussion.You say it was a beautiful relationship and you feel that's changed and you want your old life back. I hate to tell you this but you will never get the old life back as it was. Saying that, I know from experience that you can gain something else, something even deeper if that seems possible, it can add a new dimension to the relationship.As an Author, you will understand more than others that a story has many dimensions. The trauma is not pleasant, but it is what it is. My hurt was indescribable in the first 6 months, awful in the following 6 months, and 6 months further on its upsetting on same days. I'm looking to the future when I have the odd moment but can look back and see that we did it. Whatever " it " is.Don't worry about arguments where you say things that you cannot believe came out of your mouth. I behaved like a woman possessed, I shocked the hell out of myself. You will know what to do one day. For the moment, take a decision holiday and try and enjoy second by second the wonderful things in nature that you so enjoyed before.
Anon,This is such great advice. With your permission, I'd like to post it as a "guest post" on the main part of this blog. You've summed up so beautifully how to get through those early agonizing weeks.Please let me know if this is okay.Elle
Elle, That would be good. So many people( without realising) helped me on my journey. You were my mentor throughout this! Anything we can share that will help or resonate with someone is worth doing.Reminds me of POW camps when they were digging away at dirt, one thimble at a time to escape, one prisoner said, that's a waste of time, it aint gonna help. How wrong he was when many managed to escape. I feel the same way about this site. All here to support each other, up days, down days and those really cranky days. We will survive.
Elle and Anon - and all others who read my words and sent a healing vibe into the world - thank you!Your words carry such kindness and wisdom - please know how much that makes a difference. This site offers the first deep breath I've had since finding out.... Tears of gratitude .My partner and I do talk about my suspicions. For months that has led to fights as she became very defensive - now, she is trying more to listen to me and validate feelings - as in she understands why i would have them. and she tries to provide answers when I ask. Sometimes I need to see things - phone records etc. and other times I feel like that gets out of control - "it's never enough" type of response in me so I don't always do that but instead look at the anxiety that comes up in me and what attaches to it.Your words fit with what I'm feeling and trying to do - not make a decision about if her actions now are genuine or a sophisticated lie. I do believe she loves me and genuine about us- I'm less sure about what we may also be there with "out of control" connections to others ... more difficult thing about this is I don't know if its PTSD or my senses are correct - not trysting myself is crazy making. there are things that just don't add up even with our talks.. But I make room for believing because there are times I Thot I was so right and came to find out I was misinterpreting things. I have very good instincts. Twice before I found out I had this sense just by a statement she made on the phone- she was with the ow both those times.. Now that same antenna goes off and she and partially me attribute it to PTSD .... so, ive moved away from that rabbitts hole. As much as possible. I'm not making a decision now. Working on it moment by moment. And mostly trying to care for my heart and be thotful of hers. If she is with someone else still, then she will be the one loosing so much - and if not, she's certainly working very hard for us.... Two abuse survivors together is challenging with caring for what cones up- throw in infidelity and its tender - and very complicated times... I want to cultivate caring for me. To be with my feelings that come up - all the messy feelings- but not let them hijack my life - im working to stay connected the the beauty I feel for life - be precent with my child and focus at work ... Sometimes I'm with that - other times the anxiety associated with feeling something else is happening is so strong, I fade away. It's not " a thought" it more like a full body experience .... Visceral .... And having that part if each day is packed with much One step, one breath....Thank you Dear Ones for your virtual hand on my shoulder .. I don't feel so isolated
That's exactly why I created this site -- because the isolation can feel as crippling as the betrayal. We need each other.It will be hard for you to learn to trust that gut instinct. You likely do know when it's giving you valuable information...but I wonder if, in childhood, you were told that your instincts were wrong. I was frequently told that what I was seeing wasn't happening, that what I was hearing wasn't happening. It's crazy-making. So as adults, we need to learn to listen really closely to that little voice. There are times when it over-reacts. But if we check in with it -- or you check in with your partner (calmly), we can generally get clear on what's really happening.Rebuilding trust is hard work. At a certain point, we have to simply close our eyes and jump. There is no way to ever know if those we choose to share ourselves with are completely honest. But we can get ourselves to a place where we can trust that even if we are betrayed by them, we won't betray ourselves. Doesn't mean it won't hurt...it just means it won't destroy us.Elle
So pleased that you feel the virtual hands on your shoulder. You're doing well, you really are. Trust is so hard to gain and difficult to believe after betrayal.It's so true, we can never know 100% if someone is being honest, but your honesty is your benchmark, what you believe in and if someone else doesn't have that integrity then its their loss. Do fill us in how things are going. There are so many people I now think of each day that have written on here and I wish them all well in whatever decisions they make.
I thought he was perfect....I never would have known. He called me from work like every other day except this day was my birthday. I was busy cooking and helping our three children with homework. 2/08 we had been going strong then for about 14 years. He said its what you think,,,He went on to tell me it was just a random girl he got with at the gas station. I said ok why are you telling me? He wanted to leave. He said around for a couple of months tellin me it was over with her but it wasnt, One day he tells me he is going to visit his sister and he will be back in a couple of weeks, told me he got the vacation approved through work. I took him to the airport. He left..with in weeks he was with another girl this one married an in a gang go figure,,,,o btw he knew he wasnt comming back he quit his job our only income at that time. I lost my house moved in with my uncle eventually with my mom. All the while he just feell in love in no time with this married gang banger. He sent his dad to my work to take my car that was in his name cause the day we had to get it my mom had heart surgery. Mean while our kids are crying screaming for him begging me to make him come back. That was truly the hardest thing to go through I couldnt help there pain. Mean while I def felt broken. cried for at least three months. After that I had his funeral and decided to get happy. finally when i would consider my self whole again he came back........I was in a happy new relationship...I dont know if he just wanted me back then cause the thought of another man around our kids or because he truly couldnt live without me. I did it....got back,,,,,,,it has been four or five years back now and there is not many days that go by that I feel secure in my life like i used to before. Unless your husband is sensitive an truly sorry I dont think it is possible for everything to be ok together.
Anonymous,I think it takes more than a contrite man (though that's necessary) in order to get past this. I think it takes a dedication on our part to treating ourselves with self-respect and absolutely not tolerating any behaviour that disrespects us. If you're feeling insecure in the relationship, is it because he keeps you off balance? Is it because you haven't healed from his earlier betrayal? Is it because of childhood wounds that never quite healed and were broken open again when he cheated?To be your best self, it's worth figuring out the answers to those questions. You deserve to feel loved and valued, by him, but also by yourself.Elle
First of all, I would like to say how glad I am to have found this blog. It feels so good to be able to talk about my pain without the fear of judgment or unwanted opinions. I haven't told anyone about this yet and refuse to do so because I fell as if I cant trust anyone with this information. My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. But ever since our relationship started, we have never really had a stable lifestyle because he is in the Navy and his ship is always out to sea for as little as a week and as much as 4 months straight. But this year was the year of his deployment (our first and only because he is getting out of the military soon). The ship left in February but I moved home with my daughter in January because I was pregnant and a full time student. I have always looked at my husband as the best thing to ever walk into my life, honestly, I held him on a pedestal. But this past Saturday my husband admitted to an affair. He said that it went on for 3 months (june, july, aug) AND SHE'S PREGNANT!!! :'( He said that he wanted to admit to it in person so that his apologies could seem more sincere but he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. He said that pretending that nothing had happened was eating him away because he loves me and our two daughters (the youngest which he hasn't even met yet because she was born in May). I knew that he was having a hard time out there because for a long time now, he has been depressed. But I never would have suspected an affair. I was so heartbroken. I was lost and I just wanted him dead... But at the same time, I just want this deployment to be over so that I can have him back. I daydream of being in his arms because I have missed him so much, but then I snap out of it and start to cry because I realize how this is going to affect us for the rest of our lives. Yes I want to work on our marriage and I still adore him (even though he is a piece of shit)... but we now have to deal with this new child and the OW for the rest of our lives. She has said that she doesn't expect anything from us because she knew what she was doing and is now owning up to her sins (that bitch). After all that is said and done, I just want him back so that we can start the healing process. We have already started to deal with it through email and over the phone when he gets the chance to use a phone, but it still feels unreal because I haven't seen him. I want so badly to run into his arms on the day of the homecoming, but I also want to stab him in the chest! I know that I am going to be happy on the pier because I'm going to be surrounded by happy families... but once the noise is gone, I'm going to look into those blue eyes of his and cry my eyes out. The only reason that I am choosing to forgive him is for MY own good, because if I don't forgive, I cant move forward. Also because I truly believe that he only did it out of his deployment-funk. He has said over and over that he will work for the rest of his life to regain my love and trust. He really is a great person with a good heart and I cant picture my life without him... and I'm still hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
I'm glad you found us...but so sorry you need us.There are a LOT of military wives who go through this. I'm sure it has a lot to do with deployment, including the stress and anxiety, but also opportunity. In any case, you've got a lot to work through. And yes, dealing with another child can certainly make things more difficult.However, it sounds as if you want to make this work, and it's certainly possible. There's lots on this site to help you through the early days when he returns. And I think if you search, there's a post about dealing with another child. Does your husband want a relationship with this other child? Does the OW want him in the child's life? He's, of course, financially responsible for the child as well. But that's all stuff that he can work out with the OW, though it impacts your family as well.For now, until he returns, see if you can process your own emotions to sort of "stabilize". Can you access a therapist? It can really help you work through much of the anger and confusion.I would also suggest that both of you get couples counselling when he returns. He's going to be dealing with a lot himself after deployment. Factor in a betrayed wife and a child with the OW and he might struggle with being supportive for you when he's dealing with so much. Is there anyone in your life you can lean on for support? It can help to tell a trusted friend or family member. This can feel incredibly isolating.Hang in there. You can get through this and rebuild your marriage. There are plenty of us on this site who have done so. I'm hoping some other military wives might weigh in with their advice.Elle
I too am a military wife and going through my own mess. june 2013 caught my husband texting late at night at our friends house, we were staying there after dinner etc... so the next morning i had the presence of mind to quietly check his phone ( he still sleeping) and there it was pic, texts etc.... romantic meetings,dinners etc... several names and numbers. we had been married for 12years 2kids and met at school. he broke down and cried didnt try and cover it up, he just went to pieces and i was the one holding it together ? the next few days weeks were awful just a nightmare... my husband is perm based away from us and only comes home everyother weekend, so he had to return within a few days of me finding out.I couldnt put my finger on it but i still felt that there was more, so i set about trying to access his emails, got his phone logged online to get details of what texts etc.. he been sending. September 2013 i finally got into his email account... and there was more numbers, emails and pic.. nothing new since june 2013 when he said he would stop, however reading the emails i stayed up all night to do so, i could put together times places... it had been going on for years, 4 years in total, he would chat with some online and that was it just talking, he met some only as friends, and he met some and lied that he was seperated or some just didnt care he was married and he slept with them. once they got serious he would get rid of them and get another to replace them.So i rang his commanding officier and told him what i had found and that if he wasnt home by night time i would be on the next flight to him and onto the base. I rang my husband told him that if he wanted any chance he was to come home that day no matter what, no excuses. He did.While he was travelling home i emailed all the contacts explaining who i was and what i had read and what i though of them.When my husband came home i asked him to email all them and to explain what he had done and make it clear that there was to be no futher contact and that he wanted no further contact with them. he did straight awayWe had a few nasty emails and texts from very unhappy women mostly fooled like me.We talked and talked and i have to admit that some of it was hard to hear, that he felt that i no longer needed him, that i had shut him out of my life. I knew myself that our marriage was in trouble and that we were distant for a long time... now i knew why from his side anyway. I did resent him for being away and leaving me to bring the kids up and leave my job to do so. i was thinking of leaving him on many occassions but kept hanging in there hoping it would get better, i know i wasnt the perfect wife but i was always true to him... and will be aslong as we are together.He has assured me that i can stay in our house with the kids, nothing will change in my life, he will pay mortgage etc.. money for kids if i dont want to try to make it work, he says that none of it is my fault, he knows he made the wrong choices and is relieved that i know and he doesnt have to live a lie anymore? i have access to all his emails, phone account online. he has answered all my questions open and honest everytime.Some days i am so mad i could kill him and all those he was with... and some days i am ok not great but ok... i can understand why he did what he did it was wrong very wrong.... so i am trying everyday, just taking one day at a time, hanging in there believing we will get through this cause i still love him and he loves me too. hope, i hope that we make it...
I hope you do too. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds as if you're exactly where many of us have been. Hanging on by our fingernails as we ride the roller coaster.Elle
hanging on by my fingernails..................Just a update, we are still trying to put things together again, but sometimes i do feel that after all my husband has done he could try harder to woo me back again, i know that sounds strange but i want to feel as special as he made some of the other women feel. Sometimes i think hes just not that fussed about the whole thing and expects life to go on as normal, when i dont think i will ever be the same again. I know that i will never give my heart totally to anyone again, i will always have that bit of a guard up just incase. I do have awful moments of doubt and trust issues where i just could vomit at the thought of being fooled again and wonder if i have done the right thing? by giving it a another go. I am haunted by stories of once a cheater always a cheater.. i honest dont know when i will get over this, i know that you do learn how to hide how you are really feeling and paint on a brave face.I also found out that if you have an email address and type it into fb it will automatic bring up that person, which i useful if you are trying to see what the other ladies (term used loosely) look like. I wish i could vent off at them sometimes, thats just revenge and something i need to work on. I do hope that years from now when they are settled with someone they love and have a family ( like i was) that they come home early from work, or read an email etc and find out that there husband has done to them what mine did to me, i know thats awful but somedays i could wreck havock all around me, i just get so mad at it all. As you can see i am still working at it and it is taking me time, and i cant make any promises that i will make it in the end either ? sad and empty today.
Be careful of those sweeping convictions -- that you'll "never" be able to trust, that you'll "always" feel sad or whatever. It's tempting to think this is our new reality…but it will change. You can give your heart totally. You can trust again, especially because you can learn to trust yourself through this. You can learn that you can survive extreme pain and betrayal…and come out the other side. That you are strong and wise. Doesn't mean we'll never be hurt again. But it means we won't lose ourselves in the pain. Give yourself time to recognize that betrayal brings up all sorts of our own issues -- unworthiness, fear, grief, abandonment -- that were already there. It doesn't create those feelings, it dredges them up. It's up to us to exorcise them.Let go of all those narratives you've heard around "once a cheater", etc. It's bullshit. Some guys never learn. And to them I say 'good riddance'. But I think you know whether or not your husband has learned anything from this. If he hasn't, there's the door. But if he has and if he's truly committed to rebuilding his marriage, it can be a deeper, stronger bond for what you've weathered. There's incredible strength in choosing to give someone another chance. Feel proud of that strength. You're no fool…this doesn't mean he gets a free pass. It means that he's got another chance to get it right. What he does with that chance is up to him.Elle
many thanks for that elle, i am def not having a good one today, i think i am loosing my mind to be honest, i seem to be back tracking instead of going forward. i am going through a phase where i am very worried about the length of time that he was able to live a lie for... over 4 years and how he lived with us during that time and i had no idea at all. i am particular hurt by the first woman, elaine. He met her on a night out 2009 while i was pregnant with our second child and saw her a few times... then she moved back to scotland. the emails i read between the two seemed very close ( i really miss your knickers on the bathroom floor) that was MY husband to her. She had written ( remember the time we did it in your uniform? mmmm) i know that they met up again in 2012, 3 years after they had their affair just for a coffee and a chat? she was pregnant by her then partner, what kind of people meet up and betray who they are with, with secret meetings etc and if she meant nothing to my husband why did he meet her again, to remember the good times? God i get so lost in those words and to think that i had him in the room holding my hand when i gave birth to our daughter ! makes me crippled with pain and that i cant move on beyond this.How is one human capable of living a lie for so long and we still had birthdays, christmas etc which now are all lies to me and make believe. When i checked his phone records he must of been texting them all the time even when at home with us. one month had over 3000 texts to different numbers. One of the more recent conquests april,june this year wrote in an email that they had got themselves another fu** buddy that just wanted it an hour or so a week? it makes me wonder what sort of person or people my husband was with ? and that she emailed that to him, what sort of relationship if any did they have?another one emailed back to him heartbroken that she thought that he was her soul mate and couldnt believe that he had lied and created a fake life of meetings with her, he had to email her and put her off moving hundreds of miles to be with him? he had lied that he was being deployed to scotland with his work and she wanted to go with him? she knew nothing of me or our kids or even that he was married.I read anothers posts on fbk from 2012 oct/dec time that she really missed her man, he was at home with his children and that he would post her a christmas present. She hoped that he would say yes to what she had asked him ? (god only knows what was) and to my horror i realised that this was my husband she was posting about.I am just worried about the depth of lies, and the fact that in my eyes he carried on "normal" for so long, it is clear that he was seeing 3 or more at one time and telling them all lies. i guess i am just frightened for the future, i will not survive any more hurt or lies. If i see any evidence of any other women me and my kids are gone for good.
As my husband's therapist put it for me, in response to me asking what do they have that I don't: "What these other people have, you don't want." They're sick, messed up people. And, let's be honest, your husband was one of them. And that's his task: to figure out just how he was able to compartmentalize to the point where he could live these two separate lives. Being fearful is a normal response to learning you were living with someone capable of such deceit. But you don't want to stay fearful. Which is why you need to create some sort of system that allows you to trust…but verify. Do you have access to his phone/computer/VISA bills/whatever? Check them over routinely until, slowly, over time you'll come to recognize that there's nothing there (assuming he doesn't do something stupid). If you do see something, you'll know. It's also wise to figure out what your exit strategy is and communicate it to him. If he is a sex addict (there's always the risk of "slipping") what are the consequences. Is the marriage over? Or does he have to move out temporarily? Or attend 12-step meetings? Take charge of your future by figuring this stuff out. Even visit a lawyer on your own to determine what your rights are, what you're entitled to, etc. This can contribute toward feeling "safe", which is crucial for you. Some women even get their spouses to sign a contract: ie. you get the house outright if he cheats again, you get his car, or whatever. No guarantee that he won't still betray you, of course, but again a measure of safety.And please try to stop dwelling on the e-mails/texts/etc. That doesn't serve you in any way. You know he cheated. That's all you need to know.Try and look forward and let him sift over his past to figure out what the hell he was thinking.Elle
thankyou, wise words as always. im giving myself and my head a break now. To quietly sit down over next few days or longer to clear my head and really think what i want and how i can get there, for myself and my children (thankful they know nothing of his stupidity) getting strength from all the strong women i have read about on this site. xo
hanging on by my fingernails.....I have been thinking and i know now that if my husband chooses to throw away the chance i have given him that is it, its over for good no more. I own my fathers house (thk god) and we will go and live there with him, end of. My mind is clearer now and i know that i am willing to work at our marriage and try to rebuild a better stronger future for us. but again i am guarded it is still early days, nearly 6 months have passed which is no time at all. but i know now that it was my husbands choice it had nothing to do with me, and the people that he was with were again his choice, i have no connection with them, nor would i want to, they are different from me. i choose how i behave no one else, so if my husband chooses to betray me again, then he is now clear on what will happen, its up to him which path he takes. I do feel strong at this time, im not saying i wont have bad days im sure i will, i am stopping or trying to stop looking them up on facebk to see whatthey are doing where they are living etc.... rubbing my own face in it?My husband has changed the way he is working to, and is only away for 4days at a time and home for 3days, which is a lot better for us all. we have talked and he is leaving the military within the nx year once he has served his notice. He wants to start again, leave that life and i will be glad as all the women he saw were from around that area in england.So at the min he is making all the right moves, saying the right things etc. i am able to see mobile phone tracking numbers etc, read emails at anytime and i find nothing out of the ordinary at all ? mabey he has changed ? only he can make that choice. thankyou for all your help through replies and reading other peoples blogs etc...
hi, i have been reading a few other peoples stories and their experience, i have to agree with the woman who speaks of being emotionally crazy, this is exactly how i feel, i go from wanting to rebuild repair to total dispair so quickly i actually dont know my own mind i think, and i struggle to believe that yes this is my marriage ( what is left of it) and my own life! and i have let someone do this to me and i am willing to try and repair ?I am also finding triggers hard to deal with. example i was putting my husbands uniform into the washing machine and then from no where my inner voice said " do you remember the time we did it in your uniform? " that was in an email i read from one of the whores. That was me in tears again after i had been holding it together so well.I just dont know if i trust my own judgement and the choices that i am making or if i am blinded by own vows that i made when i married, am i blinded by love to what my husband is really like ?Is he the liar that he was for the four years he pretended to be the happy husband, while he was building up a hareem all around somerset in england, he was also on a sperm donation site (unregulated) offering to help people get pregnant through ai or actual sex ? he said in his profile that he had fathered 5+ children (2 with his wife) when i asked him he said he was ashamed and wanted to make his profile look good ? and it was lies, more i thought no change there then. it has been about 3years ago he was on that site and i have no evidence that he met up with anyone from it, he deleted his profile and said he hadnt met any of them.Im not actually upset at this time, which i find strange i am just wondering what the hell i am doing sometimes ? carrying on day to day trying to be normal when something so un normal has happened to me and my family.i think i am loosing my mind, i certainly dont know my own mind nor what the hell was in my husbands for the past few years ? even just typing that takes my breath away, "past few years" just pitching up for holiday time, weekenders etc... making up the numbers, part of the crowd not really wanting to be there, i suspect rather be over in somerset looking up one of the hareem. i am very confused, never thought i would be, thought it would be cut and dried if anyone ever did what he has done to me... ?
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That feeling of craziness is pretty common. Your life has been turned upside down…so feeling crazy is actually pretty normal under the circumstances.He's got a whole lot of explaining to do. To offer up his sperm?? What's he saying about all this? What the hell was he thinking?Hang in there. There's lots of great info and wonderful women on this site who know exactly what you're going through. Elle
i am sorry to say that i am feeling no better, prob worse to be honest. i have tried to put a brave face on daily but its not working at all. i was thinking back to the 23rd june the day i found out and thought i would check my husbands phone records for that day, bad move. i found that when he went back to work the following day he was texting all the time to various women he had fooled in the yeovil area after i had had my heart broke the previous day by him, so much for remorse ? when i confronted him he said he was trying to deal with the situation in his way getting rid of them softly softly..... personally i would of just told them to F*** off.i am going through a phase of do i just accept what he has done and how easily he threw our marriage away ? and that i meant and prob mean very little to him, just be happy that i know hes not up to anything now and hes not the great love of my life i thought he was. We havent got the fairytail, romantic ending i wanted ? or do i just say enough i cant get past this and you need to go because everytime i am near you i cant get over what you have done and how little i meant to you at that time. he swears he wont stray again, says im his life, will never forgive himself for what he has done to me etc....I suffered from post nat dep after my first child and i have had to go back onto the med as directed by my doc to try and get myself back on track.I am filled with so much fury and loathing i could explode. and yet my heart breaks at the thought of being without him?? i am filled with smart coments when i see anything that could be related to what we are going through on the tv etc.. which i know is childish. i want to remind him of what he has done, make him know how much emptyness i am filled with, the numbness that i feel everyday. and hes like your never going to get over this are you ? saying he knows he has done wrong and lives everyday with the shame of what he did to me? quering my own sanity daily.
He works with HER. The OW that I loathe and I think I loathe him and love him at the same time. What a moron. There are times when I think of him and his insecurities, his lack of ambition, motivation, leadership, Type-A or lack of.... and I wonder how did this come to be? I thought I was the 'slow' one in this relationship. I thought he was so intelligent and I was absolutely captivated by him. I have fought for everything we have. I sold our home for our children's betterment, I found our next home, did the market research - comps, and made it a "safe" investment. I worked to make sure we could attain the financial security we needed. Coached him - regardless of whether he listened. Sometimes you cannot tell people what they are worth and can do - they don't see the forest because of the tree in front of them. I, I, I..... as a manager of my home and family, I never expected this. I thought I had it under control. I realize CONTROL is the operative word. I am now trying to understand how to control my emotions and how self medicating doesn't work.
For those of us who traffic in "control", recognizing that we can't control our husband's behaviour can be a really tough lesson. For me, though, it opened the door to recognizing that I can't control ANYONE's behaviour but my own. It allowed me to stop trying to hang on so tightly to everything because I figured I was the only one who could keep it together and let other people make their mistakes, learn their lessons and trust that they'd be okay…and that I would too.I look back at how hard I tried to be perfect so that I felt in control…and I'm almost (almost!!) grateful for the lesson I learned through all this. That I'm okay in my imperfections. And so is everyone else.Elle
Hi Elle,I'm having a really bad day. I read your site and you seem so wise and kind in your replies, so I am writing in hopes that you will write back and ???. I have been with my husband for 12 years. After the birth of our first child 4 years ago, he started pulling away. I saw it, I tried to help but in retrospect all I did was overcompensate and over-give. When I got pregnant with our second child, he seemingly stopped liking me all-together. I thought it was because I was pregnant and he was fearing that mother-infant bond that happens after birth. I vowed I would be the best wife I could, yet nothing I was doing was working. After the birth it as if he completely checked out. He had nothing to do with me or the baby, he was drinking heavily and was just not present. And he was cruel. Boy was he cruel. This is not an adjective that I would normally ever put in the same sentence as his name. 5 months after the baby was born, our anniversary was approaching and I gave him this gift: one more year of marriage - with counselling - which was to start in one week.5 days later I found out he had been having an affair. It started with some random woman he met 2 weeks after our son was born. I had seen a text on his work phone and had googled the number. Here is the kicker...she's a prostitute. So I had the pleasure of seeing her naked (which does nothing for my self esteem). He wasn't a paying customer, nope...she was 'dating' him and another married man at the same time.He ended it immediately and was devastated. He can barely describe the moment he saw my face after I found out. He cried for weeks and weeks and devoted himself entirely to me and our marriage. I don't even remember the first 3 months. How I managed to care for a newborn and a toddler is beyond me. So now we are 6 months in and for the most part I can say that we are healing. Counselling is going well and we are having to deal with some really heavy issues and work really hard.But then we have days like today. Days where I can't even imagine going on or staying in this marriage. He broke my heart and my spirit. He actually lusted after, pursued and slept with a woman who wasn't me. All the while he completely neglected his family, was an alcoholic and was cruel to me. How do I get past days like today? More to the point, how do I get passed days like today when I don't want to?
We've all had days like you're having today. Sometimes we have a lot of them in a row. But we survive them. Cry if you need to. Go to bed and pull the covers over if you can (what am I saying? I clearly forget what it's like to have small children…). Sit with your kids and read a book. Look into their eyes and remember that there's lots of beauty in the world.And trust that this is just a bad day (or two). It's not the rest of your life. Your husband had a wake-up call that, unfortunately created a lot of collateral damage. He was likely facing all sorts of issues around you being pregnant/new mom, which, sadly, isn't uncommon for men. That he lacked healthy coping skills isn't an excuse for what he did…but it is an explanation. And when we know better, we can do better. Give yourself credit for the incredible strength it took to face the worst pain of your life and somehow keep a baby and toddler alive. That's super-hero strength. Give yourself credit for the strength it takes to give a broken man another chance, even when he broke your heart once. And don't give this OW any more power than she deserves. She was available when opportunity struck. That's it. Like a blow-up doll. And recognize that betrayal changes us. It can change us for the better -- making us appreciate every moment of grace in our lives (or at least most). Or it can make us bitter and cynical. Who you become is your choice. You sound like a warm, compassionate, loyal person so I'm guessing you're going to choose the former. That doesn't mean you can still have your moments of rage and disgust that people do this. It just means you won't choose to stay in that state. And that's all today is. A temporary visit to a dark place. Get your kids involved in beating up some pillows to teach them how to appropriately vent anger. Go for a fast walk to work out some rage. Recognize that your husband made a horrible choice that he would undoubtedly un-do if he could. Yes, he was a total asshole. And if he was still that person, I would tell you to pack your bags and your kids and get out. But it sounds as if he's trying really hard to NOT be that person again. So…figure out what you really need in this moment. To vent? To cry? (Put on a sad movie and tell the kids you're crying at that)? A hug? Some fresh air? A cup of tea? And then give it to yourself, just like you would to your child when they're having a bad day.Elle
Sorry…I meant to say "that doesn't mean you CAN'T have your moments of rage…" Of course you can. Indeed you must!Elle
Hi Elle,Thanks for your reply. The problem is with all this emotional craziness, when do you know? I honestly just do not know that I want to be with this person who could hurt me so badly. Yes, he's doing all the right things and I believe he is being genuine. However - I just don't know that I care. I don't know that I want to forgive him. I know I will have to eventually, but that doesn't mean that we have to stay married. It just means that to move on with my life I will eventually have to forgive.I don't know if this is just yet another manic episode and I'll be crying next week about how much I love him and that I am committed to my part in making this marriage work. I guess my problem with time and waiting it out is that I am afraid of it. I'm afraid of letting go....even just a little.And yet again I find myself astounded that this is my life, that this is even happening.
That was my problem too -- whether to stay or go. For a long time (a couple of years at least) I felt that I had sacrificed my own happiness for that of my children. I had accepted that I was giving them an intact home in exchange for any chance for me to have a relationship with someone else.But somewhere in there, things changed. I decided that if I was going to be "stuck" with my husband, I might as well make the best of it. So we sought help and I realized that I did want to be with him. That rebuilding our marriage was the best possible outcome. And I haven't regretted that choice.It's not, however, for everyone. It might well be that the best choice for you is to move forward without him as your husband. But give yourself a bit of time on the roller coaster before you make your decision. We simply don't make the best choices when we're in the midst of such confusion. Some women know clearly what's next…but a lot of us don't.Elle
DDay.... Her husband called me and told me what no one ever wants to hear. I said "Are you sure?" He said he has the proof in his hand, her phone with their texts from that days talking about the sex they had on Friday and different positions. She had been one of my best friends and her kids and my kids were friends. They both admitted she started it and it was just sexting until the last few weeks. He said he had fallen in love with her and I kicked him out.6 months out…. We are working it out. He came home after a week so we could really talk and go furniture shopping. I got a new bed and couch (forgot to mention they had sex twice in my house... guess where). Things with us are surprisingly good. I will not go as far to say the affair made us stronger but I am no longer afraid to talk about it when I am having a bad day and why. I am no longer ashamed of my body regardless of the size. I still see her though. Too often. I will go weeks without seeing her and then she will be there. It sucks. I want to scream, yell, hit, make a fool of her, tell her I forgive her, tell her we will never be friends but our kids probably will be so we need to figure out some way to move past this, hit her. I feel crazy. I tell my husband and he just holds me and tells me how sorry he is he put me through this and wishes he could take it back. He doesn't talk about it though and it concerns me. He says he knows with all his heart he made the right choice to stay with me and thanks God everyday I didn't leave him. Should this bother me that he won't really talk about to me? Our 11 year anniversary is Saturday, Nov. 9th. Hers is the 10th. There is so much more too this than I can put in this message but she became a big part of our lives and I was blind to it. I miss my friend and it sucks to know why.
Kelly,I'm so incredibly sorry. What a total bitch. And I bet your husband feels like total crap. Of course you're angry. You were betrayed by two people you trusted. Double betrayal. It sounds extreme, but if there's any way you can move further away from this woman, I would. I don't know the ages of your kids, but if they're young enough to not really notice, I would also suggest you slowly replace her kids with other friends. Sad for the kids, sure. But better that they have a mother who doesn't constantly feel off-balance because she has to deal with someone who was so incredibly cruel.Re. talking to your husband. If you feel the need to talk to him, explain that to him. Explain that it isn't to make him feel horrible (though that might be a side-effect of it) but that he's the person you turn to for comfort. And that you need comforting. He owes you that, no matter how awful it makes him feel. Your job is not to protect his feelings. See if you can salvage your anniversary (which can be a tough day to get through). Lower your expectations -- just try and get through without tears. Perhaps focus on your kids -- a wonderful product of your relationship with your husband. And hang in there. It gets better.Elle
Elle, Thanks for the feedback. I just recently found this site and it has already helped a lot. It is so comforting to know there are so many women out there that go through this and make the decision to stay and fight for their marriage. My family actually doesn't know about it but my H's parents do. I made the choice to not tell my family because the relationship between them and my husband has always been strained. Not because of anything my H has done at all but truthfully my mother is a judgmental bitch and has issues with all of my siblings spouses. I am close to one of my brothers and I hinted to him about what happened, just telling him a friend started sexting my H. He flipped out and started saying how he would kick his W out in a heart beat if she ever cheated. Anyway, I chickened out and didn't tell him. Some days I am fine with that and other's it sucks. I do have a good relationship with my preacher who knows what happened. Currently my H is looking for a new job, unrelated to this, but it would make moving a good option and my H knows I am all for the move. Unfortunately We live in the very small town he grew up in and her whole family is there so there is no hope of her moving. I have one co-worker that knows what happened that always tells me to remember when I see her that I did nothing wrong. I chant that in my head when she is around. We decided to go a little big for our anniversary and are going on dinner train. I am going tomorrow to get pampered all afternoon before hand so I can truly feel like a queen on our day. I am hoping though to talk to him more about the affair in the coming weeks. there are definitely unresolved issues. I just need this day to be about us without the 3rd wheel.
That's great. I'm glad you found a way to honor the day while honoring yourself.And I'm glad you've got some people (pastor, friend) that you can confide in. I had a friend like yours, who would remind me, when I knew I would run into the OW, that she had my back and that I was the one who could hold my head high. Your brother sounds like we did before it happened to us. We all think we'd kick the person out. None of us ever said, "well, I'd probably let it go…". It's infidelity's big secret that so many of us stay and work it out, and are grateful we did. Enjoy your pampering.Elle
Ugh, I was starting to feel better today and really ready to go into tomorrow with a clear head but tonight while I am working out, my 5 year old says, "Mom, A (her 5 year old son) and I saw each other at school and we really miss playing together. can't you tell her you are sorry and make up?" I wanted to scream but simply told him that they are welcome to play at school but his mommy and I will not be making up. She really hurt Mommy, not the other way around. The worst part is this is tearing me apart and H over heard the whole thing. He didn't jump in and say anything, didn't say anything to me about it after my son left. Just acted like he heard nothing. He fell asleep on the couch afterwards and 3 hours later is still down there while I have taken a shower (and cried) and fed the kids and put them to bed. H has honestly been really good when I need to talk but I know he is at that point where he just doesn't want to talk about it. He has done "all the right things" from the DDay but when things like this happen and he sticks his head in the sand, I feel the pain all over again. I feel at times like I have to be strong for the whole family and it sucks. I need to shake some of this by tomorrow. I am really determined to have a great anniversary.
Please try not to have such high expectations for your anniversary. Just show up…if it's great, then great. But if it falls short, that's okay too. Re. your son: It doesn't hurt kids to understand that we have boundaries. That there are some things we simply won't overlook in people and dishonesty is one of them (he doesn't need to know how deep that dishonesty goes). He's certainly allowed to be friends with her kid…but that you've chosen to not include her in your circle of friends. I think we can do our kids a disservice when we don't show them firm boundaries. Hang in there. Just show up. Feel great about how far you've come, which really is amazing.Elle
Hi Elle, I just found out my husband is cheating on me again. This time he has been involved in craigslist "casual encounters." I found an email on his ipad and have notice suspicious behavior lately. And I think I might be done with our relationship. I forgave him last time, but I am frustrated and unhappy with his lack of desire to our "fix" our relationship. I having a difficult time trusting and haven't even confronted him yet. I am afraid of his reaction... more lies, deceit, hatred. And I don't feel safe confronting him... he owns guns. Should I do it in a semi-public place, like a park or something? And I'm not sure who I should confide in... lots of super judgy people in my life.How do I confront him? Not sure what to do. I feel like a failure. Do I need to gather more evidence before I confront him? What if he denies it? Should I ask him to leave our house?Thank you for this website, it has been nice to put my feelings in writing.
I'm so so sorry. You must feel completely wrung out.Is he a violent guy? What makes you think he might hurt you? If you have any qualms at all, make sure there's someone there with you to ensure you're safe. Do you have proof that he's cheating again? Think carefully about who you can trust. Is there anyone in your life who can simply be there for you, without judgement. To just support you? Your parents? A sibling? There is a phone line you can call (650-521-5897, ext. 101). It's free…and offers peer counselling with people who've been through this. They might know how to approach this better than I.And please, please -- you are NOT the failure in this. You are trying valiantly to stay strong in the face of betrayal. That is brave. You can get through this. But you need someone on your side. Please let us know how you're doing…Elle
Elle, thanks for the support. He is not violent, just an emotional person. And he has since deleted the email and I don't have a copy of it. Thanks for the support line info - I will give them a call. And I think he knows that I know.... I haven't confronted him yet. He has been really nice to me the last couple days - doing things that he normally doesn't do... making me breakfast, cooking special dinners...
PART 1 - I am devastated. A couple of days ago, my husband and I were on our way to romantic weekend to see the fall leaves. We checked into our beautiful cabin by a trout stream complete with a little waterfall and planned to grill steaks, drink wine and enjoy the hot tub the next evening. We went hiking the next day to a great waterfall, took a lot of pictures, just enjoying the beautiful fall weather and scenery. We decided to drive over to a cool restaurant which is situated on a river for a late lunch. We got lost along the way on some twisty remote back road but laughed about it and we finally made it to the restaurant. We had no cell phone connections - it's pretty remote. But the restaurant had Wi-Fi. I logged in with no problem and checked my messages, said hi to the kids. He had trouble, I took his phone, got him logged in, and his email popped up and I saw something weird. Subject line said: "bj swap m4m." I first thought spam? I opened the email and read an exchange between my husband and another man - my husband knew the lingo ad gave a time and said he had a place to meet. Then I looked and saw other emails. I managed to read another one which referred to a picture my husband had sent of his penis. Then of course, I questioned my husband, who denied it, said it was spam, then finally admitted that he was just fooling around and hadn't actually met anyone or done anything.
Part 2 - Right about then the waitress brought our meals. I told her to pack them up because we had to go. We left and I started asking questions. He was answering but seemed guarded. By the time we got back to the cabin the reality was setting in and I was hysterical, and crying uncontrollably. I wanted to drive home but he convinced me to wait until the next morning. He slept downstairs on the couch. I cried all night. We drove home in silence for awhile. Finally I told him to start talking. He says he knew it was wrong, that he just let it go too far and that it started out as just curiosity. Then I find out that after his first divorce, which means he would have been late 30's to 40's, he had experimented and had 4-5 encounters for oral sex with men. Anonymous strangers. We married in 2000. We were both in our forties. Now we are in our late 50's. Leading up to this have been some other weird things. He used to make a very good income and lost his job, but then did consulting and did very well.. Then the consulting came to an end. He has a pension, not a ton of money but it is a small income and he began taking it as early retirement. He did not look for another job. He gave me excuse after excuse. I would find jobs, he would find something wrong. He finally got an adjunct teaching job which pays very little. He was spending a lot of time on the computer and his cell phone. We also sell some things on the internet and I thought that's what he was doing. Apparently he was fooling around with craigslist male for male ads for months. He has taken a lot money out of our savings, and retirement. We were not ready to retire. I still work. My job provides the health insurance. I am in shock. This man is my everything. I trusted him. I have been married before, and have had other relationships and never have I trusted anyone like I trusted him. He has been wonderful, thoughtful, romantic, caring, and understanding. He has always supported me when I screw up or do something stupid. We are great companions. I thought this was it - we would grow old together. He never had children but I had 2. We have grandchildren that he adores and they adore him. So he is begging me and apologizing and seems really remorseful. He has made an apt for us to go to counseling. I have agreed to go. I don't know what to think. Is he bi sexual? Is he gay? Is hs having some mid life crisis? All of the above? He is still here in the house and sleeping in another room at my request. I don't' know. I just don't know. I think I am still in shock and not thinking clearly. I feel that I have lost my whole world. Pat
Hi Pat,I'm so sorry for what you've found out…and the attendant shock, grief, agony. We've been there.It's not at all surprising that you're in shock. Your entire world has been turned upside down. My story isn't unlike yours in that I found about "encounters" that involved both men and women. Like you, I struggled to understand what this meant.It's going to take time to absorb all this so for the time being, him sleeping on the couch and you simply not making any sudden moves is a wise strategy. It will sink in. It sounds as if there's a lot there that he hasn't told you about, from the job losses to the Craigslist stuff. My advice is to assemble what you can of a support team -- a close friend, perhaps, a therapist. People who can help you through the short-term craziness.And perhaps deal with your husband via a counsellor. Disclosures can be really traumatic because they often seem like our spouse was living a completely different life right under our nose. It can help to hear the information with a professional in the room, who can help you absorb it and assure you that it isn't about you, as nuts as that sounds.Whether he's gay/bi-sexual or a sex addict (or a combination of those) remains to be seen. For now, focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Eat what you can, avoid alcohol or whatever your coping method of choice is (unless it's a healthy coping method, like exercise), try and sleep (melatonin can help) and trust that slowly this will sink in and you'll get past it, either with him or on your own. Elle
We have an appt with a counselor tomorrow - I guess that's good. I'm just exhausted. Mentally and emotionally a wreck. Good thing I work from home - I can look like hell and cry when I feel like it which is pretty often. I did find myself feeling angry today which is progress. I even made Mac n cheese this evening. Hadn't eaten much since finding out. I worry that the holidays are soon - what do I do? The timing of this was great. I cannot imagine sitting down to TG with him and my family. Then Christmas. But maybe I will know soon enough. Maybe what will be will be. Thanks for listening and your support. I haven't figured out who to talk to about this. Pat
Pat,Good. Show up to the appointment and listen to what the counsellor has to say. You'll know fairly quickly if this person has both of your interests at heart. And yes, be easy on yourself while you cry and rage. I found out right before Christmas…so those holidays are a blur of tears and recriminations. I regret that I didn't hold it together better for my kids and my parents. It was my last Christmas with my mom before she died. Does anyone in your family know? It can help to feel like you have an ally over the holidays -- someone to just give you a knowing smile or a hug. Someone who knows how hard this is for you. Elle
They say everything comes in 3'sApril 2013...., we were selling our house as our Business had failed and had lost a lot of money, while packing in readiness to move out of the home that we had been in for 25 years I found out my husband was in a 7 month affair... As they say everything comes in 3'sLooking back my head was aware of all the signs but my heart would not let me deal with them, after 33 years together and 3 children it was the furthest thing from my mind and today seven months on, I still can’t believe HOW he ‘did it’. I struggle every day. We have been so close...Sole mates, loved each other deeply. So I thought The last couple in our group of friends that anyone would expect it to happen toI was so worried and stressed about our failing family business it was making me ill, while I got home from work with no motivation other than lay on the sofa he was forming a relationship with her on the phone, texting and meeting her for a quick coffee at first. But within 1 week SHE told him to go and get a ‘pay as you go’ mobile phone. Which is funny as he knows nothing about mobile/computer technology never texting anyone EVER before in his life. But for HER he quickly learnt.They then meet for lunch while I was at work in our shop on Saturdays. He met her for lunch one Sunday while I was away for the weekend with the girls instead of helping my eldest Son and wife move into their first house. It should have been a special time in your Childs life right. Two days later we were with friends in Venice Italy. I asked this week if he had a nice time with me in Venice and he said ‘yes of course’ as if why would he not have! I can’t bear to look at the photos in the restaurant, in St. Peters square or of us on the Gondolas! How do you have a romantic Sunday lunch with one person and then two days later be in the romantic city in Venice? He covered it so well I had no idea what a Poker FaceThey meet in and around two local Shopping Malls as it was half way between where they live. The same shopping centres I go to all the time, six months on I still can’t get there and back without crying. While sitting at the same junction he had sat at, what was he thinking, knowing what he was doing. Not like they bumped into each other at work every day, they made their paths cross. He said it just happened, it didn’t they made a conscious effort for it to happen. They planned their meetings, planned the lies. I actually spoke to him on the phone one time and ask where he was going, he said to look at a job...he was on his way to meet her for lunch, talking to me didn’t break the spell. He met her in a bar in Spain taking her telephone number straight away. He was with the ‘boys’ on a golf weekend, she was with the ‘girls’.He says that no one saw him spend the night with her in the bar as men don’t all stick together and wonder around the bars. But obviously there was an instant attraction as she has been married for 23years with 2 children. Her friends were aware as he took one of their numbers – never found out why as he had already taken the OW number! Nice friend of the family. He said that they had gone away from her friends and spent time together and kissed. But recently has said that that was not true and that I had backed him into a corner and he had said what I wanted to hear. He only kissed her on her cheek
Jane,I'm so sorry for what you're going through. His story sounds typical. And few of us understand just how these guys can be so deceptive and then look us in the eye. It's like they're under some sort of spell, which, in a way, they are. They're living in a fantasy world.Don't beat yourself up with the details. Any woman who's been married for 23 years and gives out her number to some guy in a bar is looking for trouble. She found it. If you haven't already told her husband, I hope you will. He deserves to know.Elle
I found out a year ago (11/29/12) That my husband of 14 years at the time had an affair while working overseas. I was more than devestated. He didn't have the courage to tell me, he left an email from her open for me to find. I am no longer as angry as I was intially, but I am still not sure how to proceed. I still care for my husband, but know that the type of love I want I will not have with him. I still feel so conflicted, I no longer see my husband as this great person, he's just a guy who's no better than anyone else and that makes me so sad. I'm still trying to see if I can find some happiness knowing this relationship is not the type of love I want. For those of you that have come out on the other side, how do you view your husbands post affair?Thanks!
I think, having given it a year, you can trust your emotions about where to go next. Anti-versaries (ie. of when you found out, etc.) can be tough so ensure that this isn't just a reaction to it being one year. But if you honestly believe that you can never recover that love, then I think it's time to let go.As for your question re. post-affair: It depends on who you ask. Some of us knew even in the midst of finding out that we were going to fight for our marriage. Some of us took time to determine whether our husbands were worth fighting for. And some of us stay for other reasons -- kids, finances. In my case, I stayed because I was too emotionally exhausted to leave…and because I wanted to give myself time without disrupting my kids to determine what I wanted. I hadn't a clue. It took me the better part of a year to decide to stay and really work it out. For a long time (perhaps even beyond a year), I figured I just wanted to keep things amicable so that if we separated, it wouldn't be ugly for the kids. But then something happened -- not really sure what, but likely seeing that my husband was really working hard to become the guy I'd always thought he was -- and I realized that I did want my marriage and I wanted him.Now I see him as fallible but worthy of my love nonetheless. Just like I'm fallible but worthy of his.Elle
My husband & I have been very happily married for 14 years. We always considered ourselves soul mates, best friends, the loves of our lives. We've been hit with some hard stuff too, job loss,losing a home,moving states,sick babies,miscarriage, bankruptcy, and through it all, our love has never once faltered. About 6 months ago my husband's personality started to change. He got very depressed, introverted, I knew he was dealing with some crap with his parents (they're always causing trouble), but something was really wrong. He went to a psychiatrist and got on an antidepressant. He seemed better. I told him I thought he was going through a real mid-life crisis. He wouldn't talk, just pushed everything away. We started fighting more. It got bad around September. We would try to talk and it would go nowhere. We decided to start marital counseling because even through all of this we knew we would never get divorced and we still loved each other desperately. At this time he also decided to stop taking his antidepressant. He did not follow the weaning off schedule the Dr. gave him, he just stopped cold turkey (which I told him not to do).2 weeks ago I came home and went on his Ipad to go on my FB, and his FB was already signed in. I found a private message between him and my best friend! He was travelling for work at the time and he had been crying on the phone to me that week telling me something was not right with him and that he was a mess. This message to my friend was along the same lines. I confronted him about it and he denied anything was going on and that he had just turned to her as friend for emotional support. I believed that for about a day. Then after confronting her about it as well, it finally came out that they had slept together once. Everything else was just phone calls & emails. Obviously I no longer work at this place. My boss/friend has told me she will never forgive herself. But that she is in love with my husband. My husband wants nothing to do with her. It was basically a one night stand and they didn't even finish the act, he kicked her out of the hotel room before they even finished b/c he was so disgusted with himself. He was drunk and on anti-anxiety pills. He has done & said all the right things since I found out, he's gotten on his knees and cried and told me I'm his soul mate, he can't lose me, he's so sorry, he will never do it again. He says he went through a horrible time emotionally and made a huge mistake that he would give anything to take back. He wants to move on and spend the rest of our lives together as happily as we did the first 14 years. He is taking his antidepressants again and will probably never go off of them. My problem is, and I know it's only been two weeks and I need to give myself time, but I feel like I will never be able to forgive him for breaking our bond. He let this woman into our marriage and I feel like I will always think of this everyday for the rest of our lives. I still love him desperately. We have two incredible boys (12 & 9). We were really just the happiest family, and I can't bring myself to even begin to understand how he could do this, no matter what his mental state was. I am so overwhelmingly hurt and disappointed. I cry every single day. I can't eat, I can't sleep. My main worry is that I will never be able to get over this and I will, in turn, ruin our marriage because of my possible inability to forgive him. We are in marital counselling and we are reading through a book together about getting over an affair with exercises at the end of each chapter that we do together. He's doing everything right and I feel like I should be on board and able to get over it but I can't so far. Will there ever come a day where I won't wake up with his affair the very first thing I think about and the very last thing I think about before I fall asleep????
The short answer is "yes". The day will come when this is a sad but distant memory. But it takes a long time. Much longer than any of us ever imagined. Most experts say it's three to five years before you truly feel healed. That doesn't mean it's total hell until then…but that healing takes place slowly, incrementally.Two weeks is so little time. You're likely still in shock, your mind and body reeling from this. For now, just focus on eating (smoothies, soup, toast -- anything that will get calories into your body), trying to sleep (melatonin is a non-addictive, natural sleep aid -- get it where you find vitamins), try to get some exercise (mood-boosting hormones) and be gentle with yourself.Don't rush the healing. Your husband will be anxious to push this along, in part to alleviate his own incredible discomfort. But you'll be on a different schedule. He knew about this, you didn't. So you're already a bit behind him in terms of processing it.But give when each of you has to lose, yours sounds like a marriage worth saving. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Know (and tell your husband) that there's going to be a whole lot of hurt and anger and sadness that you need to slog through to get to a place of forgiveness. That the best thing he can do is be there for you, acknowledge the pain he's caused, promise you as often as you need to hear it that he will never hurt you like this again. I'm so sorry for your pain. You were doubly betrayed. But you can get through this. You will get to a place where you can look back at this, not as something "good" but as something that did come with some gifts -- wisdom, compassion and an even deeper love for each other. Elle
In February, 2010, I saw the cell phone bill. Usually, my husband opened it and paid it. That day on the bill there were 4,305 texts to one number. That is about 143 texts a day. There were also several 3 and 4 hour phone calls to another number. I used the computer and found out that they were 2 old girlfriends of my husband's from high school. One lived a mile up the street from us. They were both married and each has 4 kids. These conversations had been going on for a year, that I could see. My husband said it was just friendship. So, I called them.One said that he told her that he was leaving me for her. The other had had him over to meet the family several times. That one told me she was happily married. I threatened both of them. Stay away from what is mine. We have been together since we were 19. 27 years ago. We have 6 kids together. The woman up the street called the police on me for threatening. So, in the middle of the night, I dumped 3 bags of the rottenest garbage I could find in her yard. Not my best moment. She was the happily married one. Since then, she met someone online, and left her family. I ended up hospitalized with the grief and anger of all of it. Twice.I thought things were getting better, and then 2 weeks ago, he came home from work, crying and told me his "best friend" died. Her name was Erika. She drank herself to death. I did not even know of her.I am back to anger, rage, grief, sick stomach, and not being able to get out of bed. He promised they were just friends, and that she wanted to meet me, but he told her that I would not like her,Will I get through this? I feel as though I am dying.Alison
Alison,Yes you'll get through this but you've got to believe this. This is tough…but you are tougher.Your husband, however, has some serious explaining to do. He needs to tell you everything and be completely honest and transparent. Brace yourself because I suspect there's a lot of stuff that has been going on. But there's no way to move forward without understanding what was going on behind your back. And then you get to determine what you're going to do with that information. If he wants you to even consider staying with him, he needs to come clean and then he needs to get help. He needs to figure out why he would jeopardize his marriage for this. What is broken in him that needs fixing.Lean on the medical system if it gets you through. Lean on trusted friends. Lean on us. Take care of yourself -- eat well, sleep as much as you can, get exercise. Treat yourself like you would a sick child. Nurture yourself. This is a shock to your system and your body is reacting as such.But we've all managed to get through though, like you, we weren't so sure some days. Just take it a breath at a time. Focus on tiny slivers of joy in your life and trust that those will grow. Elle
It is Thanksgiving. I feel like never getting up again. I hate that we are going to my friend's home, pretending to be a happy family. My oldest kids, 24, 20, and 17 are not speaking to their father. The youngest 3, 14, 13, and 9, just seem confused and sad.I made an appointment for counselling for myself for Tuesday. I hope it helps, because it is all that I can do to breathe.Why are men so F&%@#d up? Thanks for listening, Elle.Alison
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Alison,You are going to continue to breathe. In, out. In, out. And you are going to allow yourself your sadness. And you're going to allow your kids their sadness. Talk about it. Share it among yourselves. You can show them that it's okay to be sad. To not know what's going to happen next. But to nonetheless keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that you've got each other. Your older kids' anger is really just sadness with a target attached (their father). Behind anger is generally hurt and fear. Can you share with your friend that all is not great…but that you're grateful to be among friends, rather than feeling like you have to wear a mask? Can you and the kids have some sort of signal so when it all feels like too much, you can go for a walk, or have a hug, or otherwise offer each other support?This is one of those tough moments that can bring all of you closer together when you create something of a "team" mentality. No-one gets left behind. That's a huge family you've got…let them lean on you and trust that by being strong for them, you'll get strong. Hang in there Alison. We've all endured Thanksgivings and Christmases and Hannukahs and birthdays and anniversaries. They're hell…but in the end they're just more sand through the hourglass. It's the attempts to create the "perfect" holiday when our lives feel anything but perfect that trips us up.Elle
I had a hard day, but made it through. Breathing. Now it is night time, the hardest time for me. It feels so heavy, dark, and lonely. I started "sleeping" on the couch. I just sit there with the tv on for background noise.How can someone take another persons feelings so for granted? How can he sleep so peacefully?Thanks for being here everyone. It helps.
My first hint that something was wrong came when my husband and I were in our hometown to attend a party to celebrate some friend's anniversary. My sister-in-law mentioned that she saw all his posts on Facebook to a mutual family friend (I didn't even know he had a Facebook account). Later when I asked about it, he told me she had sent him a friend request and that she was very sick and dying. The part about the friend request did check out, and it seemed to be common knowledge with members of my husband's family that the OW was suffering from the same illness that one of his sisters had died from a few years ago. I decided to take what he had told me at face value, but I did some checking. I went on Facebook and looked at my husband's FB page. I could see evidence that the OW spent a good bit of time posting things to his page and there were lots of posts between them on their pages. She posted love songs, love posters, songs about forever love, and she referred to him as "her special angel" and "her special friend" throughout the 2 months from her friend request and to my finding out about the contact between them. I started asking lots of questions, and I got the old "we're just friends" that every betrayed spouse gets. I asked why he didn't tell me about her contacting him or about his Facebook page. He said that he knew I didn't care for her (I had been acquainted with her younger sister when I was in High School and when I started dating my husband the OW had told me that "I wasn't good enough for him). Strange she was already married and had a toddler at the time. My husband's family and the OW's family had lived in the same neighborhood when they were children and he had "dated" this woman briefly. After more questions I was told by him that they had been emailing each other, but they're "just friends" and she's happily married (She's on her fourth marriage).About 2 weeks after the anniversary party I came home and found my husband talking to HER on a cell phone I didn't know he had. "We're just friends and she's sick and dying" became his new slogan. At this point in time my husband had his mom and his sister pass away in a 6 month time period. That isn't an excuse but it gives some insight into his vulnerability. He kept telling me that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I asked about the inappropriate tone of the posts she sent him, and he said that she said stuff like that because she was out of her mind or reaching for straws because she was dying. I noticed about that same time that the posting between them wasn't showing up on their public pages on FB. Later I would discover that they had started privately messaging/chatting back and forth on FB after I started asking questions. About a month after my discovering the phone I found some of their private messages on his computer. The messages were more like flirting not really sexual, but I lost it and my marriage was essentually over as far as I was concerned. He begged for my forgiveness and told me he was sorry he had ever let her in our lives. I think he meant what he said. I also think he was sorry that he got caught, and that he hurt me. I don't think my husband meant to leave me or end his marriage, but he certainly wasn't thinking about me when he did what he did.