The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I have always had a gut feeling that my husband continues to cheat on me. We have been married for 12 years and before getting married he had another side girlfriend. Supposedly he stopped being with her to marry me. Well thus woman has managed to be in our lives ever since we got married. She worked at a real Estate office next to his office in the same towm. His mother and her both advertise a house to rent together. When I found out I confronted him and he promised that he didn't know and that contact with her would be stopped immediately. Well three years later I find out that the same company which she works at sold my brother in laws house. My husband and I have sex every three to six months because he claims he has low testosterone but recently I found condoms in his rooms in a hidden drawer almost impossible to find. I am so upset feeling betrayed over and over that I can't even speak to him and confront him. He also had the nerve to call the police on me saying that I was being abusive because I was screaming at him. He has been abusive during both my preganancies. I gave him money for the down payment on our house but he didn't put me on the title. I trusted him and hoped he would change. I didn't have the courage to leave him because I wanted a father for my children. My children are upset because they think Thierry father is so nice and I am the mean one they say because I refuse to speak to him.
Anonymous,I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. You've raised a few things that concern me. At the very least, your husband is being dishonest with you about his contact with this other woman. Whether he's having an affair, I don't know. But he's being dishonest with you and that's a problem. The other problem is you not being on the title of the house. That's something I think you need to remedy right away. Insist on having that changed to reflect your joint ownership of the home.I'm concerned about your interaction with each other and its impact on your children. I know it's hard to keep anger in check when we feel betrayed and lied to and manipulated but please know that your kids absolutely need to feel secure and safe and free to love both parents equally.Now...I think you need some counselling to help you work through your pain around your husband's behaviour. If he won't admit to an affair (and I suspect he won't unless you have proof), then you need to decide where you go from here. So a counsellor can help you process the pain and make a clear-eyed decision about what's next. See a lawyer about your house title and to see what you're entitled to if you leave. Don't make threats, just gather information and keep it to yourself.Your husband won't just change unless he realizes just what he stands to lose. And it sounds as if you two both need to learn to better communicate without yelling and police involved. We all know your pain. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But please know you'll get through this. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself and your children.
D-Day for me was November 29, 2015. I found out through Google location, on our phones, that he was not "working half a day" as he told me, but was at a hotel with the OW. Google location shows this was the only incident. He swears to me that nothing happened, that once he got there he couldn't go through with it because he started crying thinking about me and what he would lose. He had been having trouble in that area anyway, so I do believe him.Unfortunately, he works with her, not directly, but at the same company. He'll be retiring in about six months, so finding another job is not an option at this point. He has blocked her number on his phone and I randomly call him on his desk phone now to make sure he's there....especially if he tells me he's working over.I originally joined another forum for support, but got nothing but bitter, horrible responses telling me that everything my husband tells me is a lie, and I can't believe anything he's telling me. I believe I have to have some sort of faith in what he's telling me if I want this marriage to work, and I really do.One thing I have learned about him is that if he's holding back any information at all, he'll tell all when I've had too much to drink because he thinks I won't remember it. A few nights ago, I had way too much to drink (really feeling sorry for myself) and asked him again exactly what happened and he told me the exact same story. The good thing about that night is that I made myself a promise to stop the drinking. It doesn't solve anything.My biggest problem right now is feeling like I'm the only one trying to heal us. He's in the midst of a huge project at work, so I know how busy he is, but still...it seems to me like he said, "I'm sorry" and all should be forgiven. He said I'd stopped paying as much attention to him as I used to, so now I'm doing all I can to smother him with attention...while I get nothing in return.I've mentioned this to him, but nothing has changed. "I'm tired", "I'm working". Valentines Day is approaching and my birthday is 10 days after; I mentioned that it would be great if he planned something special for, maybe in between those days. He asked what I wanted to do. I kind of laughed and said "that decision rests solely on your shoulders!" He said he didn't know what I wanted to do...couldn't we decide together? Which means I need to plan it.I'm frustrated. He planned trips and things when we were dating, but I've done that since we moved in together and since we've married.Am I asking too much now?
Asking too much? Honey, I think part of the problem is you've been asking too little for too long.You deserve respect and kindness and honesty. He's asking you to move past a betrayal of your trust. That's a HUGE thing he's asking of you. In order for you to heal from this devastating betrayal, he needs to make it clear that he's working had to figure out why he risked his marriage for something so meaningless. It's great that he's blocked her, etc. But it does nothing to get to the root of why he did it in the first place. That's on HIM to figure out. You can't do it for him. As for Valentine's/your birthday, he's potentially feeling afraid that he'll screw up. You can't make this a "test". Either you have to be completely okay with whatever he comes up with (within reason) or help him by telling him exactly what you want. We want our husbands to be mind-readers and, most of the time, they're far from it. My husband's idea of a romantic gift was an office chair -- because he knew my back bothered me. To him, that was considerate. To me, it was...an office chair. Are you two in couples counselling? That might provide a forum for you to discuss how you're feeling -- that you need greater involvement with him, that you need him to show you that you mean something to him. Asking too much? Not at all.
Wow! I am so relieved to hear that someone else has had a similar experience. 4 years ago my h of 16 years has a supposed emotional affair with a girl i know. I got in shape started to have amazing sex!! We were happy, then he joined a club, wasn't home 3 nights a week, had always been distant from the kids, then his dad and best friend died, he started using drugs...and then 16 months ago I was taking pix off his phone for Christmas calendars and found his secret email and Craigslist account where he was regularly soliciting sex from multiple people both men and women....!!!! He denies ever having sex with ANY of them we are in counseling and i want sooooooooooooooooo badly to believe him but I just can't!!! I want to keep the family together but i started drinking and i just cant stand him and all he asks is hiw long will it take to get over it? What!? I dont know, somedays are better than others...but I have never felt so depressed. So ugly. So unwanted. So pissed off. So alone. So hopeless......... Why should I stay? I don't even recognize myself anymore. The initial pain has gone but I just don't think i can ever trust again!! 16 months out and still lost.
It's hard to look back, isn't it? All of the wisdom we accumulate over the years changes how we perceive our memories, and sometimes they seem like stories we must have made up, rather than events that we lived (or lived through). I recently read a 2009 blog post my husband wrote about living a frugal life, which we took great pride in doing for the first half of our life together. In it, he recounted how when he was broke, jobless, in debt, uninsured, and sick, I loved him.In 1994, just a few months into our relationship, I was 700 miles away visiting my parents for Christmas. He called and told me he was sick, his car had been broken into, and he didn't have enough money for a trip to the hospital for antibiotics. He was utterly alone: No family, no friends, and no me. I cut my trip short and returned to him. By then, his mother had wired enough money to him so that he could take a taxi to the ER, and he was getting better, but he was still a wreck. I didn't care. I loved him. I didn't care that he was alone, broke, and unemployed. He was the one, and I would have driven a thousand miles to be with him.He told the story to highlight the fact that I was a good woman. I was frugal, I didn't live or die by money, and I was resourceful. I wasn't a gold-digger who would leave him when he was down. From rushing home through a winter storm to help him, to my willingness to cook from scratch and save money, I proved myself to be a keeper. We had been married for 14 years, he noted, and I was his best friend and the love of his life. His words, not mine.Fast forward about 15 years: He was unhappy with everything, including me. Mostly with me. By then, he had been pursuing online affairs with women for about 4 years. Whether he was successful or not, I don't know. I do know that there was a woman--a one-night-stand--a few months after he wrote that post. After that came five more years of affairs and one-night (or one-day, or one-hour)he love of his life, and his best friend, and my love for him was real. He wrote about it, so it must have been true, right?The contradictions between what I believed about us and what happened are difficult for me to reconcile. I remember that I was emotionally unhappy, but confident in the strength of our marriage. I had inklings that our relationship wasn't working judging by his angry outbursts, self-isolation, and what I perceived as his patronizing attitude about me being a stay-at-home mom. I felt disrespected, unappreciated, and unseen, and yet I NEVER considered the possibility of him leaving me or cheating on me. I was certain that ours would not be THAT marriage. We were different, and he was the one. I believed that once the kids were gone we could re-connect and start over. I hoped that maybe he would stop acting so angry all the time, and come back to me and our family. I decided that I would always stay, and always be faithful.After learning about what he had done, I began to re-evaluate my memories, and re-created them to align with what he told me: that he was miserable, felt unloved, and that we lived like siblings. He loved me completely, and I denied him my love in return. I only wanted his money. I took him for granted. I didn't care. I never loved him. Those were his memories. So imagine my surprise when I read his post. The only way I've been able to cope with the anger and hurt I've been feeling has been to imagine that he didn't really love me then, or that he didn't realize how much he loved me. But he did.Now what? How can one profess such love, and then shit all over it? I can't understand. I never will. But I do know that memories obviously lie. Somewhere in midst of the tangled web of memories we've spun are the desiccated remains of the truth, but they are unrecognizable now. The only way forward is to live a life that creates memories that I can be certain of. It means being honest with myself, and with him. Burn the rose-colored glasses and blow up the denial train. Good riddance.
Cactus,Like you, I've had to sift through a lot of old memories to try and find the "truth". And what I've discovered is that "truth" is what we tell ourselves. I write so often on this site about the stories we tell ourselves. We tell ourselves stories about our parents, our friends, our husbands, our kids. And though there might be some "truth" to the stories, another person might have a very different story about the same "truth". In other words, your husband's story about your marriage was very different than yours. The "truth" is probably somewhere in the middle, as the cliché goes. And when we really examine our stories with a cold detached eye, we often see that we construct these narratives to support deeply held beliefs about ourselves. It's always about ourselves...not the other person.
Wow Cactus, I have just been thinking about all of this. My husband has always been very good about leaving me little notes and buying me the most beautiful cards - if he can't find a card at one store that he likes, he gets into his car and goes to another store. Then he went through a period, after I learned of the affair, whereby he did not know if he wanted to be married. And now, just one year out from D day, the little notes, and the cards, the words of love are all but gone. I know he loves me and I love him, yet we aren't there yet. And strangely, I'm OK with that. Yes, I miss it, yet if he were over-the-top with all of that, after having a 4+ year affair, I would not feel that his romance, and demonstrative acts of love, were true or real. It is as if we are courting again yet doing so on a much, much slower path Again, at this point, I am fine with that. And, like you, I look at the old cards from him and truly, I feel so perplexed. He will tell me, emphatically, that those words, those cards, that he carefully selected, spoke the truth. As I said, I am fine with our level of romance, right now. Even still, I do not want to live like this forever. To some I realize this is not important, however, for me, it is. So, I cherish those cards, and as perplexed as I am, I know deep in my heart that he meant every word, printed or written. Cactus, I get it; I really do. Peace, love and hugs!
I honestly believe that whilst my husband was in the midst of his physical and emotional affairs that spanned 10 years he actually talked himself into a state. It was a state where he was able to justify himself. He told himself that I no longer loved him. He told himself that my daughters and I only wanted him for his income. He told himself he deserved to be desired and if that was not happening at home then he was entitled to find it elsewhere. He told himself our sex life was desolate. He told himself that even though he loved me he did not like me anymore. He told himself a whole pile of stories that somehow made him feel a bit better about cheating.He says meeting with women, texting them, having sex with them made him feel good about himself. He ignored the feelings of guilt amid remorse afterwards. The power of being gratified was overriding his morals. The mind is so powerful. It can talk you into anything.We are two years past d day now and reconciling. It has been a tough road. The one really good thing to come out of all of this is that he can finally look back on his behaviour and realise his choices were selfish, self centered and egocentric and that he was stuck as an adolescent Immature man instead of a fifty year old professional.
I am heading into the second anniversary of my d day. What a two years it has been. I have learnt so much.I think I first posted here on BWC not long after d day telling my dreaded story and it took me three posts to fit it all in. Boy was I in a place of pain then. I looked forward to seeing the betrayed wives email in my inbox as I always knew it would have some good advice or an inspiring story and it never disappointed. The posts by Elle and Steam and others have been a comfort on this crappy road to recovery and they were always full of hope and support and for that I thank you all for being part of this journey.
Glad to have you onboard with crazy train. And so glad to know we helped.
Further to my last post.......My husband had a managed to cheat on me for 11 years of our 31 years of marriage. Same story as everyone here. He felt unloved and found the attention of 40 odd other women in either physical or emotional affairs too hard to resist.Most women, young or old were catchup ego stroke me coffee dates. Four women were physical long term affairs 8 yrs, 10 yrs, 1 yr and 1 yr. yes....he cheated on all the women with the other women and I of course was oblivious because I am a loyal trusting and faithful wife and I thought we had a pretty good marriage. So, come d day he does a complete about turn. Since then he has had to endure my anger, my unhinged episodes, my sadness, my triggers and a million buckets of tears along with him being kicked out, sleeping on the sofa and even in the wardrobe once when I would not come out. It has been a hell of an a emotional time, like nothing I have ever experienced. He is still here. He will sometimes get things wrong but he is still here and he is trying all the time to get it right or what is right for me. Some days even I don't know what is right for me but hey, there is no real manual on emotions of infidelity is there.Some of the most valuable things I have learnt here in BWC and they include knowing and picking up on the signs of a remorseful husband. Having them own their behaviour sincerely. We own our healing and they cannot judge. Learning when and how to live more in the present. Leaving the past behind. Knowing we might never really know why and being accepting of that. Understanding that they just think differently to us and therefore were able to justify their way out of feeling guilty. Learning to walk through infidelity one day at a time with grace. Most of all knowing that we are not to blame and have never done anything wrong.For some of us being able to find the place where we can start to feel reassured that we are doing the right thing to stay. That we are strong enough and that they are so fucking lucky to have us.
Beautiful. Thank-you so much for sharing what you've learned. Strong enough indeed!
Thank you for sharing your story. Same is here only difference is I feel sorry for myself. I always feel something is fishy but never follow, due to little kids, cleaning and cooking. I am a strong lady I start part time job and going for my BS degree. Some days are good some are bad. Now I will take care of myself. I read self healing books and helpful blogs.
I need some support and encouragement. I'm ready to quit. Nothing new has happened, but I'm just tired and still deeply hurt, and I'm questioning the benefits of staying. It's like my entire life is one trigger after another, and the continuous effort to work through the feelings is wearing on me. I'm not sleeping well, I've lost weight I didn't have to lose, my hair is falling out, and I'm emotionally flat. I know he feels horrible about what he did, and I don't think he's cheating on me, but I can't even look at him without remembering it. I'm tired. I am determined to stay if only for my kids. They are doing really well and they adore their family. I cannot destroy that. I have to make due and move forward, but I feel like I am lying to myself, and to them.
CF,Everything you're saying sounds as if you're post-trauma. The constant triggers, the flatness, the weight loss, etc. No matter what you ultimately decide to do re. your marriage, you need to treat your post-trauma symptoms. Betrayal is trauma. Period. See if you can find yourself a therapist who treats betrayal as trauma. Either talk therapy or EMDR or whatever works for you. Of course, you're ready to quit. But quit what? You don't want to quit life. You don't want to quit joy and pleasure and all the things that are waiting for you on the other side of this.Please take this seriously and don't stop until you find someone who can help you process this trauma.
I'm okay, but my resilience is low and my self-loathing is high. The only thing I've considered quitting is my marriage, which I will not do at this point. I went to see our therapist and he was helpful. I also talked to my husband and explained how I'm feeling, and I asked if we might just be hurting each other by staying together. I hurt when I see him, and he hurts when I do. He was emphatic that it is not too much, and that he is here, forever, no matter what. I truly want him to be right. My biggest challenge, as my therapist suggested, is that I don't trust my own judgement. Was I right to stay married? Should I have picked up on the cheating years ago? Was our marriage EVER worth it? Did he love me? All are questions I've had. I don't know what to believe, as I wrote above re: memories. As long as I doubt myself I will doubt my feelings and choice to stay married. I'm working on it. Thankfully I'm working 3 straight 12-hour shifts this week and don't have too much time to dwell on anything.
CF,Learning to trust ourselves is a long process, particularly if we've never really trusted ourselves. It sounds as if this might not be exclusive to betrayal. Have there been other instances in life where you've ignored your gut feelings? Have there been other instances when you've been encouraged to ignore your gut feelings? If we've grown up in situations where we learned to silence ourselves or ignore our guts, then it's even harder to learn to trust ourselves. And, of course, trauma of betrayal triggers all this.
My gut instinct has pretty much been spot on, but it was not ready for all the different ways of lying.....trac phones (after I got into his Verizon acct and saw hours & hours of calls all times of the day/night & literally hundreds of texts a day), "business meetings", "I swear I have changed",shit flying from every direction. This started after 20 years of marriage, the best years of my life; then it turned into a nightmare. My therapist told me I basically had PTSD. I started drinking too much, then exercising excessively; living on a roller coaster since 2010. I did see an attorney last year and paid the retainer fee and started divorce paperwork; oh how he wanted to change then. I believed him, halted the paperwork and saw about a month later a ton of inappropriate emails to a professional he was working with (who he is friends with her husband). I forwarded their emails to her husband and blasted her. Nothing happened. My husband did apologize to her husband, who I cannot believe didn't kick his ass (he's 10 years younger). My husband says he does not want to be that person anymore, but my eyes are wide open and the trust is not there. We live in the same house but different areas, for me it's about convenience right now. His actions will have to do the talking cause I don't believe anything out of his mouth right now. Sad. Our marriage used to be awesome.
Anonymous,Sounds like you've given him every chance to be that better person and he's screwed it up. I'm sorry for what you're going through. And you're right re. his actions. Anybody can say they've changed...
Yes, yes, and yes. All my life. That's what makes this all so difficult.
It's what makes it so difficult but it's also dear Cactus Flower, what makes it so important to tackle this. It is, potentially, the silver lining of all this horrible-ness. The chance to heal ourselves and come out stronger. The chance to learn to really love ourselves and recognize how incredible we are. The chance to learn to listen to that small still voice that is you.
pt 1 I met my husband in high school and we had a baby at 16. we have been together over 10 years and have 5 children together. he has had multiple affairs over the past 4 yrs and I found out about 9 months ago. he has admitted to 6 different women and most of them he meant online craigslist etc.. but there was one that I am still having a lot of issues with. he had meant this women and her husband about 3 yrs ago today and had an ongoing affair with her from what i'm guessing. well he broke it off with her and then became involved with her again about a yr later. well he decided to bring this women and her husband and 6 kids around me and our kids and her and I became friends. call in instincts but there was something off about her. I tried to distance us from them but her and my husband kept pushing us all back together. she even took a pregnancy test in my house. well her and her family came over and ended up staying the night, after the kids were asleep we were drinking a little bit and i've never been drunk in my life and drank as much as her. she became "drunk" and was all over my husband and supposedly passed out in our bed instead of the spare. the next day after they left I confronted my husband about how she was acting etc.. and he blew up and took off and didn't comeback until the next day and blurted out that he cheated but nothing else. he ended up staying the night and I went through his phone and found text between him and her saying I love you etc.... and the next morning after he left for work I tried to meet up with her to find out her side of the story. well she wouldn't meet with me so I called her husband to tell him what I discovered and he already knew apparently they're polyamory. I confronted my husband over text and he didn't really say anything other then we all need to sit down and talk. well I kicked him out of the house. I instantly regretted it and wanted to work on our marriage and try to fix things etc.. and he just would tell me to move on and get over him and that he was done with me. He even tried to say he wanted a 6month hall pass. well he became a completely different guy then I married. he barely came to see his kids and when he did he would have a hickey on neck or be hung over ( he barely ever drank before and never been drunk before). she would post things for me to see like guess where he is and are we ready for another baby etc..
pt 2 It was sooo bad that I cut him out and began to live my life and adjust to being a single mom a little over a week of us not talking he showed up at my house because he found out a guy had been there the day before. He was being really nice and sweet and was asking me if we could be friends etc.. and I said yes because we have 5 kids and we should be amicable. well dumb me fell for his sweetness and slept with him that night and ended up pregnant. well the next day he was flirting all day and I told him the night before was a mistake and we are friends and only friends and no flirting etc.. and that night he changed it all around and started apologizing and begging for me back and wanted to run away and start fresh etc.. I took him back and it has its ups and downs. we didn't get to runaway like our plan he got a really good job that he wouldn't ever find somewhere else but can transfer in a yr or 2. we started counseling and he has been trying and being a better dad etc.. but on new yrs eve I found out he texted her happy new years on a fake texting app. something inside me still thinks he has feelings for her and maybe I shouldn't have taken him back sooo easily. but I cant tell if its pregnancy horomones or what. i'm due in less then 2 weeks and i'm scared he's going to run back to her when i'm in the hospital. he is that that type of guy who doesn't like to open up etc... but he has somewhat been trying to and has been showing more affection towards me and lets me have full access to phone any time and always tells me where he is. I don't know what to do i'm still young and don't want to be stuck with someone who isn't completely in love with me and only me. i've told him this and claims Im his soul mate and that if he cared about her then why did he cheat on her too. I asked him if he truly loved me why did he cheat on me? He still hasn't told me why? he wants me to drop everything and move on but I have soooooo many unanswered questions. should I just drop it or should I leave him until he figures out what he truly wants?
Anonymous,I'm not sure you can just emotionally walk away right now though nobody would blame you if you did. But from what you've written, I suspect you'd end up with him again.I think the other question is whether or not you can both heal from this and do the incredibly hard work of rebuilding a relationship together. You can't simply sweep this under the rug. It's completely reasonable to expect him to get to the root of why he cheated on you and hold him to far better standards. His cheating isn't about you...but about what's missing in himself.
I've had our 6th baby now and I found about a months worth of text to this married women. He was sooooo completely different around her. He told her I love you constantly and that he wanted to be with her and all this lovey dovey stuff. He has never talked to me that way. I can't help hut feel jealous and I want him to talk to me that way. But I can't seem to get him to understand that I want him to love me and make me feel wanted more. I honestly don't know what to do.
Anonymous,You can't make someone love you the way you deserve to be loved. But you can love yourself that way. Start there. Begin by learning to really love yourself, with your amazingness and your flaws, your good and your bad. Love yourself.By doing so you will not only be showing your six children how to love themselves which will ensure they never need other people to make them feel worthy because they'll feel worthy within themselves but you'll also be able to recognize someone who sees how amazing you are. You won't need to "make" someone love you because that someone just will. You've got so much to deal with as a mom right now. Insist that your husband step up to being a dad and give you something of a break now and again. And use that time to find a good counsellor who can help you understand the situation you're in and find a way out of it. But I swear to you, it begins with treating yourself with respect and kindness.
Well it turns our he did cheat on me in November when he was working out of state. I haven't kicked him out yet. I need a job etc..so I'm pretending like everything is ok. But I don't think I can get past this one. I've thought about asking him to get rid of Internet on his phone but won't he just find another way? I'm sooo torn. I have given my life to this guy and he can't even stay faithful to me. I just want to go out and cheat on him and show him how much it hurts
This seems to be the same story over and over. I have been married now 15 years and been a couple for 19. About 8 years ago i found R on a chat site. He promised it was innocent chat and nothi g serious. I took it as that but a year later on his birthday i found he made a call to a number. It was a worman he worked with. Not in the same town but at headoffice. He told me the she was easy to talk to snd all I did was fight. He promised it stopped and I believed him. We moved to another town and things seemed to be going well. We stayed there for 6 years but the last 2 years be changed jobs and became a rep. Travelling alot. End of 2014 he left and started a new job in another town I stayed on do that the kids could complete the year. I moved to him in the middle of 2015, and became a stay at home mom. In the next 6 months I felt we where off.The sex was poor and he did not talk to me. Was always on his phone all the time. On the 4 December i found out what his password was for his phone which was always locked. I went on his whatsapp and found him having an affair with one of his workers. He pictures and messages drove me mad. I was verh upset. I woke him as asked him. He grabbed the phone and deleted the whole app. He admitted that it was just flirting but hat not yet slept with her. I could not sleep and waited till he fell asleep and took his phone. I found out then that he did slept with woman. I found pictures. He admitted to it. While on the road he slept with 3 different women. This was in the 2 year period on the road. It is now 3 months later and I dont know how to coup. I have found por site he was on. Apps that he has on his phone to hide photos. He says hw is an open book and promised he will never do it again but how do I trust him when he has all this. When I ask what is he hiding he said its photos of me and deletes it before he opens the app. I dont believe him. I dont want to leave. I love him but this is killing me. When will it ever get better. I have told nobody. We have seen a councilor but in the last month it seems as though he has changed back into that cheating person. I have not gound any thi g to prove this but you can delete messages an calls. He promises that he has done nothing in the last 3 months. Help I feel I am drowning and dont know if I must stay and give him a chance or am I wasting my time.
He has given you no reason to trust him. He has lied and deceived you and now he expects you to believe him when he says he's not? That would be crazy.If he's genuinely committed to your marriage, then he needs to give you full access to his phone/computer/whatever so that you can check whenever you want in order to ensure he's being honest. Of course, he can still use different phones, secret accounts, etc. but by giving you access, he's accepting that he needs to earn back your trust and it shows a willingness to do what he can to rebuild the marriage.There's lots on this site to help you figure out whether you want to give him a second chance or leave. There's no way to know whether he deserves that second chance -- but it's a good sign if he's totally remorseful and willing to be totally transparent with you. It's a good sign if he seeks counselling to figure out why he's cheating on his family. If he's defensive, if he wants you to "get over it", if he refuses to give you access to his devices...all bad signs.
I have so many questions to adk. Is it good to ask about these other women. I dont know them all I know is he slept with them random times. Is it better not to know and move on. I know how I feel when I see this last woman and the hurt I feel when I see her. R was open with questions I adked but I never really adk for a full detail of what happened and I dont kniw how health that is to know. Does this get better. I am just so tied if the fighting and mud slinging. This is not all the time but random but it does happen. Am I mad to say I live my husband and at 41 cant see me starting over with 2 young children. I am holding on to the hope that you say time heals all wounds
Anonymous,We each have different thresholds for what we want to know about our husband's affair(s). You have to decide what you need/want to know. If you feel you know everything you need to know, then let it be. At a certain point, it becomes "pain shopping" -- the need to just keep knowing more and more that doesn't change anything but just makes us feel horrible. So...you decide how much you need to know.As for time healing all wounds, it's not quite as simple as that. Without a husband willing to work hard to help you heal, time won't work magic. He needs to be fully supportive of how painful this is for you. He needs to make it clear that he's working hard to ensure he NEVER does this again. He needs to be fully transparent about where he is and who he's with at all times to help you rebuild trust. Without that, time won't do much of anything except dull the ache and leave you in a marriage that's just longer but not necessarily better.
I have been with my husband for going on 10 years now. We started dating at 14 and had a beautiful son together. From day one he has lied to me about other females. He is a very jealous person. I'm unable to hang out with or speak to other men, which is perfectly fine for me but he speaks to and I believe hangs out with other females and lies about it. I just recently caught him on a website to find females that want strictly sex in our area. Before I had fell asleep for the night I tried to get him to have sex with me but he had turned me down. I woke up later that night to him in the other room with my tablet on that website. My heart was completely broken. I couldn't believe that he was actually planning a meeting with these women. I packed my things and he begged me not to leave. He swore he would never do it again and he was just drunk and stupid. of course I didn't believe him but for some reason I stayed. I felt bad for him and thought maybe it was my fault. So I did everything I could to make him feel wanted. I had sex with him 3-4 times a week, told him how attractive I found him, and how much I really appreciate him. Just 3 months later I felt that he was acting really strange. He acted like he didn't want to be around me at all. This was so painful because he was my only friend. I mean ONLY friend. I felt extremely depressed. I destroyed myself trying to make him feel better. I used to look in the mirror and see a beautiful, strong woman but now all I see is a pathetic disappointment. I tried to hide it from my family. I definitely didn't want my little boy seeing me so down. While he was in the shower I picked up his phone and started going through it. I'm not usually the one to search through his things so he didn't delete his history or anything. What I found made me sick to my stomach. He was back on this website. I felt like I was going to be sick. I instantly started putting myself down. I thought how could I be so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me. Why cant I just be good enough. I confronted him once more and he repeated the same excuses as before. I am weak. I stayed. Why? I don't know. I know I love him but no sane woman would stay after what he's done. Why am I still here? Why cant I leave. I ask myself every single night. I know nothing will change. I know he will never stop. Every time he leaves the room I think he is doing something. I can't trust him and he makes me feel so low. I need some advise. How do I leave everything I've built my life around and start new. Please help me.
Mariah,If there is anything I want you to absolutely understand about this it's that this is not about you at all. His cheating is about his own deficiencies, not yours. Some of the most incredible, beautiful, sought-after women in the world have been cheated on. So please...stop putting yourself down or thinking that you could have prevented this.But...you make some comments that are troubling. You say he's your only friend. You say you tried "everything" to make him want you. You blame yourself for his cheating. All of that indicates that you're in a really unhealthy relationship and that you would be wise to do some work with a therapist to establish some healthy boundaries in your relationship. It's not your job to make him want you. It's your job to be your best self for YOU and for your son. It's your job to be an honest and kind wife, not some sort of grovelling sex slave. It's HIS job to be an honest and kind husband. Please seek out a therapist who can help rebuild your self-esteem and remind you that you have value that goes far beyond your role as his wife. Take some time to get clear on what's really going on in your marriage and whether it's something that can be saved -- with HIS full commitment -- or whether you're better off moving on.
Mariah, my heart goes out to you. As a previously abused wife, my alarm bells went off when you said he is jealous and doesn't want to you talk to anyone else. My first husband who was abusive both emotionally and physically told me the exact same thing. It is common pattern with abusers who want you under their control at all times. Keeping you isolated is part of the their plan. Your self-esteem has been slowly eroded because of these expectations. I know I found it impossible to get myself out of that situation because my self esteem had been beaten down. I don't know all the facts, this will be really hard but maybe worth it. Get out of the house, go stay with a mom or sister or relative. Take his credit card and charge a room. When my first husband threatened the well being of my child is when I left. He was starting to emotionally mess him up. It wasn't easy but I have to say my son who is 40 years old a month ago thanked me for doing the right thing. He admitted it wasn't easy for us but he thanked me for being strong enough to do the right thing.
I went through my soon to be "x" having an affair two years ago. I got this SPeaKS Awareness in my email and wanted to write. Affairs can turn your life upside down and can take years to feel good about yourself again, even though you weren't the one being unfaithful. I went through shock and numbness, went to counseling, filed for a divorce, went to a support group which was very poorly led (one of the authors here also attended and I was not impressed with her - she was promoting her books at the meeting). I did some research on other books and found the most helpful one for me was "NOT'Just Friends'", by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. She counseled many couples who had gone through this and had a good perspective on it. I believe she passed away a few years ago now.There are so many horrible and devastating things that I've gone through with this, numbness, horrible self-esteem for being married to a person who would do this, a son who was very affected by it, getting back on my feet and finding a job after being off for 14 years. I think it never ends to some degree, whether or not it's emotionally or financially and seeing others in the family that are affected by it. I did not keep it a secret. I'm glad that this is being addressed more these days, as I do think it's been kept in hiding for a long time, and has also become more and more an issue. My "x" got involved with a woman who was 14 years younger than him and had three little kids, and worked as a youth group leader in her church! It was said in the book that I read that at least 85% of infidelity relationships don't last. I'm not sure how accurate that is, as from what I understand that my "x" broke up with her, but has started seeing her again. At this point it would not bother me as much, except that I still have to have contact with him due to our 14-year-old son.Thanks for your support!
HiI found out 1 week ago that my partner of 6 years and father of my 3 stepdaughters has been meeting up with couples via swinging websites sporadically over the past 2 years. I found this out about an hour after his parents arrived for a weekend visit. I had to put my face on and pretend to of not just had a bomb dropped on my life whilst cooking dinner and telling jokes. Then for the remainder of the week we've been at our respective works as usual barelt having any time to deal with any of this. I've had realy troubl sleeping but am eating in the evenings at least as he is desperately trying to look after me, cooking, cleaning etc whilst I am busy keeping it together. The kids will go to their mums Sunday night for 5 days and we have both taken next week off work so Monday will be the first time that we will really be able to start hashing things out. Work know that I am going through some personal problems at home and have been very supportive and not probed too much. I do not want pity. My stomach has been flipping most days whilsy I laugh and joke with colleagues and then crack on with work. I have a demanding job and its been very important to maintain focus so I could manage my workload to relax about taking an impromptu week off. It feels pretty much like I am in a haze, a bad dream that I want to wake up from. My partner and I have been experiencing some intense hysterical bonding...a term I had never heard before this week. I found out what it was called when I was freaked out by the intense sexual desire I felt torwards the man who had shit all over our lives. We've had a few short talks whilst the kids have been in bed, one resulted in the remainder of my gin going in his face. Both times he broke down crying telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is. The thing I suppose I'm most scared of currently is that I've not shed a tear yet. I've not had the space to do so. If I let myself feel this pain that then how on earth will I ever stop?I don't know if this makes any sense but I need to try to get some of this out and start facing up to what's happened. We have counselling booked for when we are off work next week. Please tell me whether this all sounds crazy? No tears and intense sex is not what I thought would be happening the week after discovering 2 years of our lives have been filled with deceit and knowing that if I leave it won't just be him but 3 step children too who I won't see and kiss goodnight anymore.
Hi Anonymous of March 18,2016....unfortunately I'm in the same place you were at back in March,so 7 months ago!,wondering how did it all turn out,are you still working on your marriage?Me,I found out 8 days ago,(he's been talking-texting w/another woman:morning,lunch time,and after work,and I still haven't faced him,but just like you I'm numbed,haven't process it wel,like I'm in denial,and yes as you described it I have had the same intense sex with him,although ,,I wish I didn't feel this way,,I want to hate him!,but I can't!...I wish I didn't have to put up a face,for I don't want to tell anyone,well I'm doing it now,but I don't want people that know us to find out,and I haven't told him because since he has cheated so many times,and down grades it,doesn't own up to his wrong doings,well I know that he will say it's just online,it's just texting,it's just over the phone,there's no actual contact,etc,etc,etc.So,quickly I came up with a plan,he has so many "sexy friends" on facebook,but he swears he only looks at their posts,but doesn't message them.So,I opened a Facebook profile w/someone else's picture &the accepted my friend request,so we've been talking l,well chatting ever since!(he thinks is some new sexy Fb friend ,but it's me his spy wife!!!)So,Our chats quickly became romantic,with him telling this fb friend how he loves her lips,her eyes,how he wants to hear her voice,etc.About me his "wife" he has told her that he isn't sure if he still feels anything for me,that he made the wrong choice in marrying me,that he is only staying married to me because of our 9yr old daughter,that if he could he would have left me long time ago,because it's been a while since we live separate lives even while living in the same house(all lies),that he wants to take her out,to go damcing,drinking,that he can't wait to look into her eyes,etc,etc,etc.I haven't face him because I wanted proof that he's back to his old ways(I've been with him for 14 years &the 1st time he cheated was actually sleeping with a 13 year old when he was 20),the he has a dating profile,then connecting with exes,more "sexy Fb friends",and now Find that he's capable of actually meeting with whoever he chats with,then did he lied to me back when he said all the women he has chatted,texted,or called haven't been physically contacted by him?
I have been with my husband off and on from high school. We have been together 15yrs and married going on 8yrs we have two boys 7 and 5. Our relationship for sure hasn't been all roses and flowers. Going to make this long story short. In July of 2014 my husbands good friend came to me and told my H had been talking to another girl on a messenger app you can put on your phone. Since my H had been known for not being faithful I said enough is enough and moved out. Moved in with my parents and H begged me to come back saying his friend made the whole thing up and so on. He begged me to come back for a few months and finally in April of 2015 that I really think divorce would be best. He didn't really say much but in my heart all I wanted him to say was no that's not at all what I want. But see he was already talking to someone else...who says was just a "friend". So needless to say we got back together after mothers day. I thought things had been going good but there was still that gut feeling that something wasn't right. In August off 2015 I busted him at the girls house that he claimed was just a friend. He told me he wasn't thinking clearly and so on. Anyways not even a few months later we are right back at it again. 2 weeks ago I found another email he has been using. Turns out his friend didn't just make up that other girl but my H had a 2yr relationship with her and he has been having other affairs as well. My heart just fell out of my body. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything and just don't know why he keeps doing this. I don't understand it. How can someone hurt the person they "love". How can they not have a care in the world and have no regret. Why would he rather spend time with random people instead of his wife and kids? I'm so heartbroken and H hasn't really done much but say his sorry and that he wants to make things better. But he hasn't done much to back up his words. I'm just wondering if I should really try anymore...is there really anything worth fixing? I'm sorry if this sounds all over the place my mind is just full. I guess I should add that I still live at my parents house and he lives at his moms. Rent and everything is so expensive that we haven't gotten a place together. Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated.
This guy has shown you repeatedly who he is. And who he is a cheater. You've given him plenty of chances and he's squandered every single one. The question of "why" isn't one you're likely to be able to answer. He has to be the one to really get to the root of why he would treat someone who's loyal and loving to him with disrespect. But unless he's willing to do the hard work of figuring that out, you're better off without him.Cut him loose. He's unable or unwilling to make an honest commitment to you. It will hurt, I know. But it will hurt worse and longer if you keep him in your life. Move on, sweetie. And don't be in a rush to find someone else. Give yourself time to heal. And don't give your heart to people unless they deserve it.
I know I look like a fool for taking him back time and time again but I really love him even after all his done. After I made this post over the weekend we discussed alot of things that we had never discussed. He finally opened up about everything and we both laid everything out on the table. Giving it one last shot. If this doesn't work then I know it never will and I will have to go on without him. Thank you for commenting back to me. I will keep you guys posted on how everything is going.
You're no more a "fool" than the rest of us. But please don't try and do this alone. He's undoubtedly got a whole lot of issues that he's been dealing with by cheating. A professional counsellor can help him unearth those and get to the bottom of why he keeps risking his marriage for...nothing really. Some kicks. An escape. And you will learn how to set clear boundaries that allow you to trust yourself and feel safe. It will also help you move forward, with him or without him. We're on your side, no matter what choice you make.
Thank you for your kind words Elle. I greatly appreciate it! Yes we agree that some counseling is needed and would help very much.
I would make it a condition of reconciliation. If he wants you to give him yet another chance, then he needs to make it clear that he's willing to do whatever it takes to control his behaviour. And you get to decide what the "whatever" is.
I am a widowed senior who was swept away by another senior. I was so happy and in love-a love that I thought I would and could never know or feel again. But he was a cheater, already living with someone for several years . In fact, the woman he was living with had been his affair partner during his second marriage. I did enough sleuthing to locate and communicate with this ex-wife. I found out about her first marriage to this same man. The facts are very simple-this man was a serial cheater his entire adult life. They also had two boys two years apart. If I could take the emotions you feel for him and separate it from everything else your life is now-I would say he is the arsenic in your life and everything else is honey and almonds. Do not stay. He will never, ever change. He can't and he doesn't want to. I guarantee the next woman he lives with or marries will be calling you, too, someday, to discuss your mutual and everlasting hurts. But, you are young enough to have a better life. Even if it is alone, it will be better than wondering-wondering if he is lying, cheating, meeting someone for coffee during the workday, popping off to her abode for a quickie, just always wondering and worrying. And even that is enough to make you work yourself into PTSD. These men are simply snakes who will go to their graves without ever shedding their skins. It is sad but true. Read some books about different behaviors. Our biggest flaw as women-blind love.
I have been reading so many stories here. Still trying to move on. I have read that it is normal to still feel this way. Hell I am only 6 months out. Kids are still seeing a therapist. He still says he is so sorry for what he has done to us and our family. I am so confused, but I still love him. I have an appt with a divorce lawyer next week. He started crying. He said he has been trying to make this right. He has never been so honest to me. He is trying to be the man I want. He cried I am making a mistake, because he will be that man for me. I AM MAKING A MISTAKE!?! No asshole you made all of them. What happened to trying and fighting before?!?! I do not understand how only when caught, does a cheater want to work things out. I do not understand how THEY do not know why they stuck their dick in sooooo many women, men and trans. AND NOW THEY ARE CONFUSED! The man that I wanted and needed is no longer there. He left many years ago. I just love the shell of the man and the memory of him. He is gone and I am left with shattered pieces. Everyday I look at him and hold him. I grasp for any hope to help guide me. I find instead hopelessness and hurt. I keep yelling at myself to be strong. Keep reading here for encouragement. I just do not know how much more pain I can take. This pain is different. The pain of knowing you were not wanted. You were just there. But, now he wants you. The big question. Why now? I am no different than before, except now I know and am going numb.
Anonymous,The pain of betrayal is excruciating. I never ever imagined how horrible it would be. I imagined anger. I imagined disgust. But I never imagined the incredible down-on-my-knees-barely-able-to-breathe agony of it. And it takes a long time to make our way through that darkness.Whether you decide to leave him or stay is absolutely your choice and there isn't a "right" one -- there's only what's right for you. But I would urge you to make that choice from a place of clarity (as much clarity as we're capable of in the midst of this). For some women, cheating is a total deal-breaker and there are no second chances. End of story. They still, of course, have to heal from it. But they feel relatively clear about their choice. Others know from day one that they want to rebuild their marriage if they can.For others, it takes a few months or a year to come to a place where they realize what their "right" choice is. There's nothing wrong in giving yourself that time. You're not being a doormat or giving him "permission" to cheat by simply giving yourself the time you need to work through the agony so that you can make a choice that feels as "right" as it can.You have so much pain in your letter. So so much pain. Your anger and your fury? It's pain masquerading as power. Of course, you're in pain. The person you trusted with your heart betrayed you. He made a choice that you weren't allowed any say in...and that choice has devastated you. You get to be hurt. You get to be angry. But before you storm out the door, make sure of what you really want. A divorce lawyer can certainly help you get clear on a future without him. So collect that information. Think about it. But make a choice from a place of strength and clarity.
Two serious EA and almost another, one of them lasting about 7 years. The "almost" was starting last summer (I know her), starting texting and even said he told her I did not like him doing stuff like that! Just silly shit like "Happy Monday, Happy Friday, blah blah" and sending her pics of his beer & food while on a trip to Chicago....goofy. When I sent her a text saying he told me they had become friends and we should all do something, he like "I don't want to be friends with her". It's all a game.
Hi friendsI'm back...ugh. 2 and a half years I rebuilt- and not in a pretty fashion- I was a complete disaster- paranoid, a spy a nut. BUT finally I got to a point where I was not on her FB page checking to see if he was mentioned. I was feeling ok. But then I started to feel sick inside- something making me on edge- nervous- unsteady. His daughter- long estranged because of her own lesbian issues-was all of a sudden back in his life and very excluding of me- she blames me for being married to her dad ( I was 15 when her dad divorced her mom- and did not meet him until 10 years after). Long story short I listened to his vm and yes my husband is having yet another affair with her. His ex wife.I am down for the count. I cannot breathe and I honestly want to just give up. I worked so hard to get over the first affair. I believed him- wanted to rebuild... Now he is screwing yet another whore. Where am I going to get any strength to stand upright? I'm skin and bones, bags under my eyes that are down to my chin and in 22 days out of a job. I threw him out last night- in a rage that I am ashamed of. I was totally bonkers- screaming like a nut- throwing things.Oh- and the best part he had a business crisis and cleared out the bank account last week.I quit. Where do I go from here???
Anni,You go straight to a lawyer. And do NOT blame yourself for being furious. If HE had behaved well, then you wouldn't be falling apart.But you are so much better than this man. And that is going to hold you up. Head high.Protect yourself financially and legally. And then give yourself the time to heal. You WILL heal from this. He doesn't deserve you.
The day I got broken to pieces it literally almost killed me. I believe we all know in our heart/soul that something is wrong. It was late October 2015, I was cleaning my husband's computer (which I have always done because he doesn't) I went to the history to start there as usual and I see hundreds of emails for the day before. The day before I was gone for the day with my sister. I left at 8am and got home around 5pm. All these messages were started at the exact time I left and stopped when I drove into the driveway.In my heart I knew what it was. I walked the floor trying to convince myself I was wrong for 2 hours but that smart lady in my head said quit it Betty time to face the truth. We have had problems with him being on porn sites for about 3 years.So I call him at work and said I know you best come home. Funny how fast a man can drive eh!He denied it of course at first until I showed him all the messages that were in the history. He tried to say that he was talking to his friend all day. Then I told him I could recover all the messages he had deleted in his yahoo account and I start to open his lap top. He then changed his story to he was talking to a woman for his friend. I then powered up the computer and he started crying and said it was true. We went through the whole yelling and crying thing for about 20min. I found out she what her name was, her work that she was married too. The hardest thing when I saw her facebook account was that she was around 60 and about 250 lbs. And this really really hurt so bad because myself at 160 5ft 4 was blaming myself for our lack of sex for the last 5 to 6 years. I am 54.I made him leave and he went back to work and I screamed and cried, I wanted to die, he broke me. I went to the liquor cabinet and it was lock. ( I haven't drank in about 10 years) So I called him and ask him where the key was, he said no he would not tell me, I said then I will break it open. In the end he told me. There was a 26 ounce bottle of vodka in there, I cracked it poured myself 4 ounces and down it.I pick up my darts and started throwing them at the dart board, and poured myself an other drink. 8 ounces gone. I am feeling worse the tears are coming more instead so an other drink. About 20 minutes has past and there was a knock on the door. It was our best friend, Pete had called him and told him what he did and asked him to check on me. I remember him coming and crying and had an other drink. I remember I kept throwing darts at the board and asking Tim if I was alright was I awesome. He kept reassuring me I was. I had an other drink.Fast forward 8 hours 22 ounces gone, I wake up in bed, looked at the wall confused, it hit me and I wailed. He betrayed me. I wanted to die wished I did. He came in and laid down beside me and kept saying sorry over and over. We talked and cried for awhile he kept apologizing saying he was stupid and all the stuff cheaters say. He begged me not to leave.A little back story, when I was 27 I had cervix cancer, went though all the stuff that had to be done finish. 4 years ago it came back on my vaginal lips so I had to go through 2 years of laser surgery. So to be able to sleep comfortable I slept on the couch so I could keep my legs apart and elevated. New the end Pete came down to sleep on the couch with me. It was a sectional and after the last surgery when I could sleep with my legs closed and not elevated I went back to our bed. He declined saying he would wait and see if it was ok. Long story short he never came back to our bed.
Back to the affair, the next day I contacted his woman, her husband and her boss as most of this came from when the two of them were at work. I cried for about a week and then I got sick, it was a simple sinus infection that turn nasty and spread. I was in great physical pain for 4 weeks and the doctor in the clinic said I just had to ride it out. Come to find out after I could actually drive to see my doctor that because of what happened with Pete cheating on me the stress allowed the infection to spread into my lungs, ears, jaw.Because the clinic doc did not prescribe pain meds I ended up taking over 400 Tylenol to ease the pain. I lost alot of my hair, lost 25+ pounds. My children thought I was dying and just wouldn't tell them.So the saving grace for Pete during this time was the care he gave me. He was so loving, caring. We talked about what happened, he came back to our bed. I have had 6 1/2 months of healing, things were going well, I was starting to believe that he was truly sorry.May 8th, I get a message request, I accepted the message was you silly woman you think your loving husband really loves you?It comes to be that Pete has had many chat room flings, and was meeting one of the women every time I went in for surgery for those two years. He talked to her about me telling her I was fat and let myself go. He had been talking and seeing her for 4 years, he told her that he loved her and was leaving me. (typical) He broke it off with her when I found out about the one in Cornwall. He had a sexually chatting affair with the other one from Ottawa and screwed the one in Kingston. So Ottawa and Kingston were on the same site POF and started to compare notes. Hence they found me on facebook.I am so full of rage and hurt, why in the hell didn't he just tell me about the others at the same time. Now I am going through all of this again.He has asked me to marry him again to give him the chance to prove that he loves and wants me. It is sad but I do love Pete with all my heart and I want to believe that we can honestly fix our lives.But I am tired of the pain of every time it goes through my head what he has done to me to our family. We have four children and 10 grandchildren how could he have taken the chance to throw all of this away. I have no one to talk to because all they say is leave him. What I need is to get my feelings out there so I am not eaten alive.P.S. I have a taste for Vodka now LOL
Betty,I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It sounds like hell. I'm going to start with suggesting (strongly) that you lose your taste for vodka. I suspect there was a reason you stopped drinking 10 years ago. No good ever came from using alcohol to numb pain.I'm also going to tell you that your husband's behaviour is, sadly, pretty common. Most guys try and get away with telling as little as possible. Lots of reasons why, of course: fear that if you knew the whole story, you'd leave. A childish belief that what you don't know can't hurt you. But mostly, it's shame. So many of these guys are so filled with self-disgust that they can barely accept what they've done themselves. The idea of the whole sordid picture being laid bare is more than they want to handle. So...they pretend to everyone that the "whole truth" is already told. If you genuinely want to rebuild a marriage with your husband, you need to make it clear that there can be NO more secrets. NONE. And then you need to insist that he get himself some therapy to figure out why he's gone down this path when he risked losing what mattered to him. Sex issues, likely. But that's not the whole story. He had the choice of talking to you about that and he didn't. Instead he turned outside the marriage. He needs to understand why...and how he's going to ensure he doesn't do it again.Betty, you may never understand how he could do what he did. But, with time and therapy, you might come to place where you can accept that he did it. And, with time and hard work, you might even come to a point where you can acknowledge that your marriage has become stronger and richer for the storm you've survived.
Thank you Elle for your advise and I think that may be a good idea for him and myself go see someone. I want this rage gone, it scares the crap out of me. As for the drinking, I just didn't ever have a need or taste for it as my first husband is an alcoholic. I want to paint and write again, I want to belly laugh again. I want to go to bingo with my sister and not worry. I don't want to have the need to scan his facebook account ever 5 min. (joking it is every half hour). But you girls understand the pain I feel I don't have to be ashamed here.Thank you for being hear and listening it means more than you know, I am on the ledge.
Betty,If you're on the ledge, we're right behind you, pulling you back in. I agree that having a safe space to work through all this is a really good idea. You might want to have individual counselling for yourself to help you process this. Couples counselling is sometimes better after you've worked through a lot of your fury. But, of course, you know what's best for you.
I have been struggling with my decisions to leave or stay but every fiber in my body tells me that he is a waste of time. After 6 years of marriage I am finding out that I married a habitual cheater. He has used several accounts to meet women. Over a dozen that I know of. When I asked him why he married me in the 1st place he does not have an answer. He spewed all his lies and confessed to having multiple affairs. According to him they were not physical. His words no longer have credibility. If it wasn't for the fact that I gave up everything for him and I am not economically stable, I think I would leave. I really wish I had a clear choice to make but being financially dependent makes the decision unclear. I'm wrestling with practicality and emotions. If anyone has any advise, I would appreciate it.-Kat
Kat,My advice is to get yourself to a lawyer who can help you figure out what your situation would be financially if you were to leave. Once you know that, you're in a better position to figure out whether you want to stay or leave.If he's unrepentant and unwilling to make any change, then you're pretty much doomed to the marriage you have...unless you leave. If leaving right now isn't an option, perhaps you can create a plan that gives you the freedom to leave in a year, or two. But I suspect you're more free than you might realize. See what your options are.
My H has had at least 6 sexual affairs over the past 12 years. It could be more, but these are the ones i definitely know about. I discovered four of them, he told me about two of his own free will...which could mean he has finally come clean? I would never have known about them, and he didn't have to tell me.But here is my biggest dilemma. I amDisgusted. I cannot bear to have him touch me. We are five months from dday....and he will not talk about the affair. He takes on an injured, resigned tone and refuses to speak to me.And yet he says he will never cheat again, he just "knows" it. We have four kids and I have managed to protect them from all of this, but, my god, it is taking its toll on me.I have told my H that I can co-parent with him, I will no longer fight with him but he has to accept that our romantic relationship is currently dead, and may not revive.He says he is ok with this. I think he is riding the storm just now. He told me I'm too emotional. The ow stalked me on social media and accidentally liked a post of mine, and he told me I couldn't be upset because I had looked at her social media in the past! This was today and it has just blown me away.I need advice...do I swallow my revulsion and just do it? Do I end it all as it appears he is never going to face up to what he has done?I have a friend who is reconciling with her one-time cheating husband, and they seem in love, he is reading the books, doing the work and I see how they are making progress. My husband won't even acknowledge what he did was wrong! He just says "it's in the past". He doesn't seem to understand that just saying "ive changed" is enough for me.I am finding this so hard. At the same time I am becoming clearer on what I do want, and that is a safe, loving relationship where trust is paramount.
Piper I'm so sorry for what you are living through! No one can answer your questions but you and my goodness it's only been five months. Your h sounds like mine at the beginning. Once I knew about the affair he thought we were just going to move past it and boy was he in for a rude awakening! He had to have his ow locked up for harrassment before I could even begin to work on how I felt about him and our relationship! She wouldn't leave us to heal so much of my trauma was delayed and really hard to get through. I can't imagine how it feels to have a h with multiple affairs and him not having a clue how much hurt he's caused! Have you tried therapy? Sounds like he could use some education of what his choice has done to you! It wasn't easy for my h to own up to the details and only because she shared so much was I able to ask questions that helped me understand the reason behind his affair and I couldn't accept but I've changed! I had to hear him explain how he changed. You will get to the point where you know what you need and if it's not with your h you will find a way through that too. But take your time and be gentle with yourself! When I was just at 5 months I could barely function and just managed to do what I had too. It's hard work with a h that is willing to do the right work on himself! I can't imagine if he wasn't capable of doing it my way! I'm still subject to triggering with no idea what the cause is and my h is just beginning to know what to say and do to help me through it! I have trust issues as well but my h has helped me by actions and I choose to trust but it isn't the blind trust I had before his affair! Hugs for all the hurt I know you feel!
Piper,It's impossible to have true intimacy without emotional safety. And you can't have emotional safety until your husband shows you that your heart is safe with him. And he's refusing to do that. It's really that simple. The price for reconciliation is a commitment on his part to get to the bottom of why he was willing to risk his marriage for something that, ultimately, didn't really matter to him. That's not "in the past" because he still can't acknowledge the deep pain he's caused you. There's nothing "past" about it at all. It's right now. You're giving him an incredible gift -- the chance to rebuild a marriage. You're sharing with him your pain. That's intimacy. And he's responding by telling you that you're "too emotional". Somebody please tell me what the correct amount of emotion is for someone who's been betrayed by the one person in the world who publicly promised not to and who's then reminded of that betrayal on fucking social media!! Piper, you're a saint. Your husband is lucky you haven't taken a shovel to his head. It's time for you to lay down some ground rules or see a lawyer. Either approach is absolutely reasonable -- just make sure it's what YOU want. If you're not sure what you want, then buy yourself some time but lay some clear boundaries. He must seek help. He must take steps to help you heal by educating himself on just how traumatizing affairs are for partners. I'm happy to send some links to information but there are also some good books available. There's a post on this site called "Letter to Husbands". He might start there. Piper, you deserve so much more than this. You deserve compassion and support and incredible expressions of his regret and remorse. You're doing all the heavy lifting in this reconciliation. And you didn't commit the crime.
Please send links/info on information that will educate him on just how traumatizing affairs are for partners.I am so sick of hearing I need to get over it like it was the 24 hour flu. He has no clue of the total mess my brain has become. Thanks
anni My h and I watched the kitchen convos which are a set of videos on YouTube. I found the backpack of burden and the one on triggers to be the most helpful for my h! I'm so sorry that he doesn't understand the magnitude of pain and that you just can't get over it until you process your way through it! Also helpful for me is that I have read this entire blog over the past year and I found so much that helped my h understand from my perspective! My h also wanted to rush through it because of his own shame and guilt! His ow spent 6 months trickling out her love and opinion of my h and our marriage! She's a therapist with zero morals! There was one time she was texting him multiple times in an hour with him responding leave us alone and I don't love you! And I was of course by this time shouting why do her feelings mean more than mine! And he said I don't understand why neither of you will believe what I'm saying is the truth! I calmly said because YOU spent so much time lying to the both of us! My h said he knew I'd be hurt if I found out but he had no idea how hard it is to repair the hurt! He had to be educated on a subject he never expected to have as he thought I would never know it happened! Hugs for you and the pain I know so well!
Ladies I have not spent much time here at all on the Multiple Affairs board. Didnt think I had to. I will be gathering strength from you. Wow this is a whole new ballgame. I have never felt pity for anyone who has been though this, I have admired your strength wondering how the HELL i would deal with THAT. Well, now I'm dealing with it.
SteamI'm just so disappointed with your husband! Of all the strong women here. I kept thinking I wish I could be as strong as she is! I'm still hoping to be as strong as you! I've always had a hard time with the betrayal and when I learned that my h had taken his ow on a business trip and then returned to our bed I thought it would absolutely kill my love for him! I'm still working on that part of his affair! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with an asshole that can't see what he's doing! Just know I'm thinking of you and your strength and I know you will find a way to get through this new mess!
Thanks Theresa, What a nightmare it's been. but I've been ok. Expectedly spinning out of control that first week. Looking at that phone (which I got back) over and over and over again. Just unbelievable. The asshole had the nerve to check in with me these last 10-16 months to see if I was still writing here. (it wasn't ONE month out he screwed around as I originally thought, it was a YEAR and a month, or so I have been told, but who cares--he just lied.). Thank God i had the "one more strike and you're out boundary in place. It was never there to control HIM it was always there to prove I would not deal him practicing sex or alcoholism while with me. ONE text, the first i sas took care of both--and one back button on the phone exposed what I finally tallied at I think--FORTY NINE NAMES!!! since SEPTEMBER!!!! I was exhausted and I finally just started going to Alalon. Our former shrink (now my current) believes from the massive amount of numbers in the phone, since September, that he Is a Sex Addict too (lucky me, sounds like a bad damn joke) and since i cant afford a shrink every five minutes I thought I would just go to Alanon on those days I might explode. I cannot truly say that I am a "co" anything to his issues, I do know that I have "co" tendencies myself. Alanon and S-Anon or Cosa or SSA or whatever it is, not a lot of resources here so I do them all, if nothing else, get you(and i mean me) out of solitary and into a place where you really just can BE for a while. First time around 2013 though I believed what he told me as it correlated exactly to what I found. I thought it was a three month wind up and BOOM. Buzzer. This has been building for a long time.HE thought he could outsmart the shrink and me and he flippin did.He would not go to AA then because he thought he could outsmart them too. I believed he would do it to them, I did not believe he would do it to me.As I hit the two week mark tomorrow he is trickle truthing me to DEATH via e-mail. I wont talk to him on the phone or in person. I wasted all day yesterday just watching him lie on e-mail. One after another after another. I don't think he even knows he's doing it. I was so pissed I wasted a whole day that was supposed to go so WELL for me. I think he finally started to get honest today. At least told me things that I did not know--but suspected from YEARS ago, and things that I cannot verify (which is good because up to now he would ONLY verify anything with physical proof. I KNOW I'm a great detective, but I KNOW there is no way that I could have the entire picture. Not a chance, I'm not THAT good. I can't believe that HE was this "good", so use the entirely incorrect word!. I posted I think a great link on disclosure under "books" and another if you think you have a sex addict on your hands. Both have been really helpful. So 10-12 days of hell--but really, I'm doing really well, all things considered. He's going to AA and SA or SAA or something a couple times a day. Good for him. No clue when i will see him again, I have no idea or expectations. I am just taking it--you got it, One day at a time. Thanks Theresa!
Steam,He is a busy boy faking a recovery with you and looking up 4.9 women a month. I admire your turn-around of no contact WITH HIM. He deserves all the consequences you can think of. You sound logical which astounds me. Maybe because you know you gave it your all and his actions proved his choices, true addictive self. As awful as it sounds I'm sure in a way you are grateful for the truth. His meetings probably barely scratch the surface of his addiction. Someone like you by his side and he still can't stop? Now you know in your heart you did nothing to cause it. Maybe your peace of mind is that you know for sure this is all on him. Keep sane, you really sound like you are in a good place so just stay there. Maybe he can't unscrew himself this time.
Thanks Lynn, I think it was just enforcing a boundary that I had in place and he knew full well what that was: You do it, you're gone. He wasnt "lucky" or rich enough to land all of those women in the phone, but the intent was there--and the number and I can figure is still REALLY high. Enough to give it a name "sex addiction" which i almost didn't believe was a disease until now. But i'm late to the party, after living with 2 alcoholics, (the first being my dad, who WAS a wonderful guy until he drank, my husband was my 3rd) I thought gosh, if he can stop JUST like that, as I thought he did--how could this alcohol addiction really be a disease. NOW i am a believer. NOW i know Alcoholism is a disease (cuz he didnt really stop) and so is sex addiction. NO "normal" guy could get 49 numbers in 9 months and use them all. BUT if you're PAYING For them, yup, you can get whatever you want. I AM grateful for the truth. I always somehow knew that first bout was not about me--and there is just no way in hell I can take "credit" for this one. He's hoping for inpatient and has two sponsors and already assignments. What I though would be My endless fury is over. I'm still pissed, betrayed, hurt, baffled, TIRED--wow recovery is going to be a long process for ME but at least I know 100 percent that I am in it..I'm on the road.Thank you so so much for listening.
HI Ladies, not a lot of action over here so instead of hogging the front page--how are you all? I am surviving and at moments thriving. You know there are times I feel like an idiot because since September last year I knew something was wrong--I pulled out 27 pages of EXCERPTS from my journal which dated back to Jan 2015. Things started to get weird in January, but my March, I was in a slide and just kept going. What's really odd is that I thought it was me! I thought I was bitchy (i no doubt was at times) I thought I was exhausted and he was exhausted, and the 'events' i thought suspect came months apart. It was the feelings looking back, that were SO consistent. When my dog died at Christmas, I began a slide so horrible that I could not pull out of it until the end of this past May. So i missed most every sign that was probably there from the holidays until May--when I had a dream about her, my first--at LAST and my intuition and the feelings other than grief came FLOODING back, it was a bit of magic and I always thought that girl was magic. So, the moral of my story is. Dont let yourself get so burned out that you lose your intuition. Dont discard you intuitions. They may not stop your husband from acting out, but what you will come to find out, you are not the crazy one. No matter what lies are thrown at you. YOU are probably the one who knows somewhere something is happening. Your only job? Talk to him about it. If he wont talk--yeah, something is up. Love sisters, love.
Hi steam, I agree with everything you have said, I also knew something was going on again, I know something changed in October 2015, things didn't seem to add up but it wasn't till March, April 2016 that I really knew something was going on, foolishly I didn't ask him outright I went around the houses never really getting anywhere, I figured I would find out one way or another and in May 2016 I did find out.. Havn't found out the full story yet, other than he had been in touch with his ow from previously.. we're living apart and having separate counselling my therapist wants me to solely concentrate on healing my deep wounds as she calls it... There will come a time I want my questions answered but now is not the right time for me... I have days when I don't see any way back from this, I want a divorce and a new start, other times I have maybe there is a chance days... I'm really still very much up and down waiting for the storm to calm before I plan my next move..., Great to hear you have moments of thriving steam... Hope them moments come more and often for you, your a real brave heart... Lots of love ladies xxxx
I am so sorry Sam, I know exactly what you are going through. What a god awful feeling it is. Not knowing what the hell is going on. NEVER imagining this could happen again. Sigh.Not going to lie, I wish the thriving was more often, but it's in the little things. I, like you, have a hard time seeing my way back. My therapist is OK with me talking to my H, although we are informally separated and only communicating email and text. and I am too focusing on me, and dont want answers, or at least all answers right now. The problem i am dealing with the most is wondering if I want him back. I feel like I need to know his behaviour now, while he is 'free of me" (my words) to know his character. We had a LONG ASS exchange via text last night. I wanted to know if he was acting out. I guess I didnt ask "directly" enough so I got beat around the bushes answers for about an hour before he tells me he is not. By that point I had turned off my phone. What the eff is so hard about honestly? Why did it take him so long to just say no? He's often been evasive in his answers. Example--ME "wow, you're home late" Him: "Did you hear about the wreck up the street? Lots of trafficME: Where'd ya go?Him:Jake had a dinner tonightThey look like straight up answers but they are NOT. He never claimed he was caught in that traffic and never claimed he was with Jake--he just stated facts, implying he was there, but not really claiming to be there.. It's effing nuts. So what I am doing now, and maybe too late is demanding true answers. Of course 2015 I did ask straight up about prostitutes or others and he DID straight up lie. So sometimes I wonder the point of it.My heart is not that brave, it remembers this kind of terrain and it's the only heart I got. But you have one too--just as strong just as viable. Love to you.
Steam, my heart goes out to you, I think of you often. I try to put myself in your situation and it is a scary place. How are you ever going to know when he stops lying? That is the hard part. It is so easy for these guys to lie. Stay black and white, good and bad, light or dark at this point, he lost his gray areas as you gave him your trust previously. A part of you must have hope to even care that came home late. It would be so much to sort out. Then you really can't trust text alone either because it is difficult to converse through text. Text maybe your way to communicate without really communicating. How about a polygraph for true answers if you even care to know anymore. I can't imagine going though the betrayal process again, it would kill me. Your H is extremely sneaky, diverting, and deflecting. It may too many lies for too long. I get the feeling you are really reaching for anything stable to hold on to as time goes on.
Steam, it's terribly hard to get answers to difficult questions whilst face to face let alone by email or text, I too have tried with text and become furious when 1. He doesn't reply and 2. Doesn't answer fully .. So bloody frustrating.. I reckon now is not the right time for answers were still hurting our wounds are gaping and we need to soothe them.. That's our main priority taking care of us .. I know for me once I've come to a more stable place in my head and heart I'll then be able to decide what it is I want and don't want... Steam I think your extremely brave, your living through a life changing event and doing so such integrity... You are going to be just fine steam, remember to take care of yourself and the rest will unfold one day at a time... Hugs to you xxxx
OH Sam you didnt see my first 9 or 10 days of my emails and texts. I have never been that vicious in my life. I didnt know when or if i would come back from that anger. i am, but it's with a LOT Of help. I promise I am taking care of myself, and my med dr offered anti depressants, and I'm on them now. This is two big hits in my life in six months, the two great loves of my life--my dog died at christmas and my H I find out is insane now. I am not ashamed and I dont stop working on me. The drug gives me clarity so that i CAN work on me. . I am also in two "programs" and seeing my shrink and playing with my dogs a LOT I'm doing really well physically, sleeping, eating, reading, writing. A funny thing. I have always said "never pray for patience and never say you're bored" the universe/ god will then TRY your patience and shake your life way the hell up so you're anything BUT bored. lol I've added a new thing not to say "i wonder what I would do" When my H had his affair and I came here, I saw SO many women here with sex addicts or serial cheaters and I "wondered what I would do" if that was me. Well I have a theory that God thinks--oh, you wonder? Ok, lets find out. ROTFL. So now that's three things NOT to say. Hang in there Sam. You are a brave hearted woman. They can be so bloody frustrating is so right!!
Steam, none of us know what's waiting round the corner for us... We can't judge or control anyone else's actions but our own, that's been a difficult one for me if it's broke we fix it right? Well not any more, the majority of men on this site have issues that need tending to, real deep rooted ones that need professional help.. we steam just have to look after us, it just sucks that were the ones in real pain from their selfish acts... Although I imagine their wallowing in their own pain too.. Keep us posted on how your getting on steam... I love how you are taking care of yourself!!
Lynn the only thing that has made this "tolerable" is that he is a "sex addict" the thing we've all (or at least I) scoffed at at sometime or another. I was sure did not exist until last month. Its JUST like alcoholism with bottles all over the house. this just happens to be Ho's all over the place (btw those q and a's above were just examples of how he has answered questions--they were not from a real situation)Like me--I quit smoking, but I have taken it up again after this shockIf I thought like him and someone asked if i had a cigarette today, instead of saying yes or no I would say"it is amazing how great these vapor devices are, if I crave nicotine i can take a hit and feel like i dont even NEED a cigarette"True statement but I avoided a direct answer.D-Day #1 I knew NOTHING about affairs so had NOwhere to turn but to books and hereD-Day #2 I knew NOTHING about sex addiction. and reading about it, he fits the profile to a "T" It's almost insanity that I never saw it. But i never knew what I was looking for. That is the only way I can get through this, treating it like alcoholism with a dash of unchecked impulse control. A couple of 12 step programs will help me (and help him) but it's going to take more than that. The lies? Oh my gosh, it's a way of life. Looking at what I know of his life story coupled with what I know about sex addiction I'm SHOCKED it took this long to get out in the open. I am looking for stablity and the only way I am finding it is to focus on myself. It's different than before, when the focus was on "us" but like last time, this time i know I'll somehow be ok.
Hi everyone! My name is Kelly and I am about to word vomit on you. I need to share my story... I am emotionally exhausted, I feel alone, I am overwhelmed with the thought of my future, I feel so, so, so alone. My D-Day was May 24, 2016... almost 11 weeks ago. Up until that day I had the picture perfect marriage... friends constantly told me how lucky I was and "what a good catch" he is. This year will be our 10th year of marriage. It has been a wild ride. We met, 2 months later were engaged, and another 2 months married. We welcomed a baby our first year of marriage. It was all a whirlwind... looking back we barely knew each other... but we made it work. Our first 2 years of marriage were rough... he deployed, I struggled with addiction, we fought, he had 2 affairs... but we overcame all that and it made us stronger. I can honestly say I forgave his first 2 affairs. #1 was a drunk lonely night on deployment. #2 we were technically separated, he was living in a motel, he sought the companionship of a co-worker. These 2 affairs I understood... didn't make them ok but I could see the flaws in our marriage and could understand how he wound up making the bad decision. Fast forward 8 years later everything is great... until I found out about an affair he had 2 years ago. 2 years ago our marriage was good... we traveled together, laughed together, shared amazing memories with friends, went on dates together, were best friends, our marriage was strong. But according to him he was unhappy with where he was in life and never shared it with me. He felt "irrelevant" in our marriage. He was overwhelmed and stressed at work. She gave him attention and he didn't turn it away. The affair was short lived... 5 months and was purely sexual acts... no emotional connection (and I actually think I believe it). I am struggling... struggling so much over this. THIS AFFAIR MAKES NO SENSE TO ME... I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD MAKE THE DECISION... WE WERE HAPPY. 11 weeks in and I am so stuck trying to make it make sense... I don't think it ever will... but I don't know if I can move forward until it does. During the past 11 weeks he has been the perfect "cheater" husband. He started counseling, he started attending church and reached out to the pastor for help, he shows true genuine remorse, he discusses my crazy emotions and the affair anytime I feel the need (even when I wake him up at 3am),he has read books trying to improve our marriage and I see him applying the principles, he even went and confessed/apologized to my parents and asked them to support us while we try and work things out! I see that he is trying... I know that he is working hard to fix the mess he has made of our marriage... but I am stuck. All I do is think about her, about them together, about how he made the decision... a decision he knew could destroy our marriage. I want to move past this... I want to fix my marriage... I want to feel love for him again... I want to feel something more than disgust and disappointment towards him... but I don't. I am ashamed of him. I am ashamed of my marriage. I am embarrassed that this is my life. I feel like my marriage is plagued, like it can never be whole again, that it will always be "lesser".
Kelly I'm so sorry you have found yourself here! I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't have a husband that truly had multiple affairs but I used that to give the crazy ow have her doubts about their relationship. I know how that must sound but it's what happened to me. Now what happened to you is or in my opinion has to be so much worse! You thought that the worst hurt in the world had been endured only to learn that this is so much more hurtful than the first heartbreak! God, I'm so sorry for the pain I can only imagine! There are so many here that do know your pain! My first advice is slow down and take a deep breath and just take it one day at a time. Just wait and see if what he's doing in the now is continuing through the next few weeks and months and years. Sorry but yes it happens in the time frame . God only knows how hard it is for you to just breathe. I know this because I know that suffocating feels. That does slowly pass. Just like you I would wake up in the middle of the night and my husband would have to bring me out of the nightmare and tell me it's going to be okay! Sometimes for a whole hour. But he did it! This is the saving grace if yours continues to be and is worth keeping and working for he has to prove it to you! I'm sure others will help you as well! Hugs!
My story resembles a lot of the ones that have been posted, I've been married 26 years and in he relationship for 30 have 2 children 22 and 26. My D day was December 2015 I received a dear john letter from my husband saying he needed time alone to think about what he wanted, our marriage has had several infidelities in his part and my inability to move forward. When he came back 5 days later I found explicit pics of a women, when I asked him about them he said he wasn't having an affair with her and didn't know why she had sent them . I wanted to work on our marriage and he reluctantly agreed as if I was putting a gun to his head because everything was my fault of course. So I started looking for info and found out that the previous weekends he had gone away with his "friends" she had been there with him. He flew her in from Texas at his expense, fast forward I found out about his next meeting in February of 2016 to include her children for a week at his yearly basketball tournament again at his expense. That was it for me I called him and told him I was done with him and he need to leave, he came back a day later only to beg for me to him another chance and proceed to tell me about the other times he had meet up with her and went to the extreme of calling her in front of me letting her no that he wanted to work on his marriage and that it was over (she was lose for words and hung up) I now know that he has been in a long distance relationship with her for over 14 years emailing, calling, texting, it's been a very sexual relationship sharing videos of each other declaring how much they live each other. Unable to tell me he loves me, give me a single compliment, or putting any effort to spending time with me like he has with her. Always telling me how just he is at work and how he can't talk . In looking for all the information I could find on her I found out in may 2016 that he has also had 5 other long term affairs with women from our high schools days 8 years plus with these women. So basically all the women that I was the know one in the way of them being with the one they loved, not knowing he was cheating on them with other women. I'm emotionally spent, half of the time don't even want to see his face, don't sleep in the same bed, he doesn't seem interested in having sex with me and that confuses me, but I guess I really don't want to be touched by him either. I've stared going to counseling but have no idea why I just won't leave him. I'm miserable and I'm tired of being in this roller coaster ride.
I have a question for the wives here? What made you not leave your husbands after catching them cheating on you multiple times?Was it kids? love? what?
Anoymous The answer to that is different for each one of the wives you read the stories of! For me, the answer is all of those but for me it's because of the man my h chose to become from one of the worst decisions he ever made! That's a direct quote from my h when hell broke loose!
How do you know he will not do it again if he has already cheated multiple times in the past? How do you know this time its different?
You don't know. And it's a fantasy to think that anybody ever does know. Most of the women here would have told you, pre D-Day, that their husbands would NEVER cheat. And we believed it.What does happen, with time and healing and a genuine display on the part of your husband of remorse and a willingness to better understand why he did what he did, is you come to a place where you feel safer within yourself. That no matter what anybody else does, you know and enforce your boundaries, you live your values, you stand in your own integrity and that's how you move forward with a certain peace. If your husband has cheated multiple times in the past and has promised never to do it again, ask him to tell you why you should believe him. What is he planning to do that will make this time different? If he doesn't have a plan, if he doesn't have anything he can offer you besides "trust me", then I'd be more than skeptical. He needs to be willing to do the really hard work of healing his own brokenness.
i caught mine with multiple women over our entire relationship all online and sexting. I have given him a 2nd chance. Unfortunately he has been doing this for a long time, but it's the first time i have caught him. We had a great relationship i was happy all the time, we complimented and respected each other. Did everything together. I had no idea. So i figure, something like this, a person about to loose everything due to their bad choices. They can decide they don't like their behaviour and make a change. He will only get one chance. He does it again or i find out he is still hiding more details from me, Im taking our daughter and leaving. I don't put up with this shit. FYI all the other women were fat and disgusting.
You stay for many reasons. The best are that the Cheater has changed and recognizes the mistakes and tried every day to make amends. Other reasons are for the kids and family. Not so easy to walk away when kids are involved. Maybe the "stay" is temporary until kids are in college. The other reasonssy be due to illness or financial reasons or family reasons. Just hope that people stay and they live each other and try to make the marriage work. Anything else must be a difficult situation to live with.
My husband is a sex addict. At first I thought it was only limited to porn but a few years ago I caught him cheating on me. He travels a lot and I always had a suspicion that he sleeps around when he travels and then earlier this year I found out that he had an long affair with a friend while I was pregnant with our second child. At this point I do not even care if he gets help or not (he hasnt) but we have kids together and he is a good father. We are still together but I can never trust him and I do not know how much longer I can live like this.. not caring and all
Anonymous, You do not need to live like this. He can be a good father from his own home. You can insist to him that you will not live like this if he doesn't seek help via a 12-step group for addicts or a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. You're denying yourself a full life. There's a Web site devoted to partners of sex/porn addicts called Bloom for Women. It's got some great resources and you'll discover people who know exactly what you're going through. But please know, you deserve so much more than this half-life with someone who's unable to be fully present to you. His energy is focussed on his addiction, not on you or your children. You all deserve better.
I was looking for the spot where I should introduce myself and tell my story, and it looks like this is the spot that makes sense. I had been married (I thought happily) to my husband for 15 years when Dday occurred for me (April 30). My H expressed he was unhappy one day out of nowhere. He said it was partially about my weight, how I dressed and how I acted. I (shocked) told him I was working on the extra 15 pounds I'd put on as a result of poorly handling the stress of raising our son with special needs. I knew I needed to work on that (health reasons), but as for how I dressed and acted he could take me or leave me. He would need to accept me like I'd always accepted him. I was so confused by his change in mood/behavior that I went searching. I found a condom in his suitcase. It was underneath the zipper liner of his suitcase (he's a pilot). When confronted, he sobbed and confessed to unprotected sex with a 28 year old flight attendant while very drunk 3 years ago. I asked what else and he told me of a "kissing only" event with another flight attendant in December. Trickle truth and a month later, it's actually the one unprotected sex event 3 years ago and 4 other oral sex only events with 4 separate flight attendants across the past year. The latest event was apparently traumatic for him with a person that was not nice to him and not attractive at all. All involved lots of alcohol. One of the oral sex events occurred in the room with another pilot as well who was engaged in the act too. Because of his emotional response, his willingness to get help (we've been in couples and individual therapy for 6 months now), his genuine remorse (if I can trust it), I'm still with him and working on things. This has been the most painful experience of my entire life. I am thankful to have found other strong women who value integrity and believe that their husbands can change with help (but know what to do if they don't!)
Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join, Ann. Glad you found us. Your story sounds, sadly, familiar. You'll find lots of women here whose stories are a lot like yours. Excruciating pain. Devastating betrayal. Fear. Anxiety. But, also, healing.
DaniellaYes,it's been years of putting up with his cheating.We have been married 10 years,dated for 4 years.His 1st time cheating was 6months into our relationship(he was 20,she was 13),she blamed it on her,I knew her&how obsessed she was with him,so we both had to talk to her about leaving him alone. Unfortunately,on our 1yr anniversary I sensed that "whatever they had had" wasn't over.I was right.I found on his phone that they had been talking...and although he sweared that they had not been intimate,I didn't believe him,and we broke up for a month.After that month I had had his family and friends trying to reach out to me to give him another chance and I did...
Hi,I'm Daniella.I tried Sharing my story a few minutes ago,but I don't see it,but I trust that it'll pop up eventually.So this is part 2:After forgiving him for cheated during our 1st year together,I had a hard time trusting him again:our whole 1st yr together he was sleeping with a 13 -14 yr old!(he was 20).The next 2years went by,but somewhere in there I caught him "talking to another girl"...he insisted that they were "just friends".I was I love with him,but didn't trust him,he then proposed....although I wasn't 100%sure,I said yes,but expressed that I wasn't ready to marry him too soon,but since I knew he was here as an illegal immigrant,I agreed to go get marry just so that I can help him fix his illegal status,but that the real wedding would be if we married through church(hey,forgot to mention we're born again christians(even that 13yr old he slept w/was Christian!).4months later I got pregnant by him,but at the same time I had just found out he was calling-texting a "former love interest"(yes all throughout our engagement stage&cup until then(just 4months of marriage&pregnant)
Daniella part 3Well,although I was pregnant &"just married"+cheated once again:I forgave him for the sake of our baby,but didn't want to marry him by the church.However,our church insisted that we should welcome our baby into a blessed marriage,that they would all pitch in and help out in every way possible,so I accepted it,and we went tru with the "religious ceremony" when I was 6months pregnant.During our 1st time as parents we grew closer because of it,and things seemed to get better.H finished Bible College,served in the church,preached from the pulpit and in meetings,became a Sunday School Teacher,I was proud of who he was becoming,he was well respected in church.However,when our child turned 4 I found a dating website on his phone a profile he had in it!when I confronted him he said it was nothing,that he viewed it as a hobbie,but I told him it was wrong,that he was being unfaithful by lusting after these women!,he seemed to believe that yes it was wrong and once again I forgave him.Then we opened Individual Facebook accounts,and it brought so much arguments,for he kept adding "sexy friends"(girls he didn't even know!,who posed we barely anything but a G string,barely covering their nipples!!!)over and over again I would have him take them down just to have it be added again,or new ones.His demeanor changed,he turned down invites to go preach to other churches,then stopped serving at all in the church ,eventually skipped church,and now for the past 2 years he stopped going to church and now lives a life of long hours at work(he's been the manager for a company for 2years)he fixes cars on the weekends,& often goes out with friends...and lately started drinking.Me? I'm still in church,but not spiritually strong as I ounce was.Although,I've prayed that he reconnects with God,and goes back to being the well respected preacher that he once was!.These past two years have taken a toll on my health I develop panic attacks,and depression,I blame it on how he mistreats me(yelling at me, being moody all the time,accusing me of cheating,etc),plus my counselor reported him with the Department of Children and Family,for she would hear from our sessions how our child had to witness our arguing,how he pushed me once,and it was affecting her by bed wetting&sin school...but after the case got closed ,and we tried marriage counseling to try to fix our marriage,for the sake of our child...he actually never opened up as much as I did in our counseling sessions ,nor did he own up to his wrong doings
Daniella part 4So 5months ago I found not only that one girl he 1st cheated on me with as a facebook friend of his,but also he befriended the "former love interest"girl he cheated on me with while we had just been married &found out that I was pregnant. Yes he took them down,but not without a fight...he said I had no reason to worry,yeah right!!!,so...8 days ago I search his cellphone records &he's been calling & texting another woman,which he calls-texts:morning,afternoon Night(he's a manager,so he is spending between 1-2 hours of his "work time" calling-texting her,&when at home on weekends,while he's supposed to be fixing cars,yes he's calling or texting her.Because I knew how he could say that "they're just friends" a couple of days after finding out I opened a new facebook account with some else's pictures in it,and befriended a bunch of his friends there,just so that he could definitely accept my friend request&she did!!,so he's been chatting w/this new friend on FB & very quickly things have gotten romantic...he tells her(well he swears it's another woman,but it's me!!)he says he feels comfortable chatting with me,that he feels as though he knew me already& of course that he loves my lips....well they're not mines they're hers ,her eyes,the way she dresses,the way she expresses herself,that he wished he had met her before,etc,again,he talks to this new chick as much as he texts-talks to the woman over the phone!Ok,here comes the craziest thing! I have not told him that I know about the woman he's been talking over the phone-texting1)I am in denial. I am in shock still,and I believe I have grown dumbed to it.2)I'm unemployed ,but waiting on the outcome of to latest interviews,so until I get a job,I don't think I can face him,for I know I want to separate.Also,if I face him now,and do not get a job offer,how could I pay my mortgage and all the bills,please!!!Give me some perspective!!!!!!
I have been reading here for a year, but havent commented. My husband is a serial cheater. He calls it "Distraction". I found out the length and depths of his distractions last year. Life has never been the same since.Now we have reached a stage where we are neither moving forward or going backwards. We just...are.We talk. Sometimes directly (him) and sometimes coded (me).He doesnt trust me not to "snoop" and I jave realised that the relationship I wanted is not going to happen in this life time.I am not sad. I am not angry. I am accepting. We have a family. I am skin deep happy. I know he doesn't want to do the work needed to heal, and I accept that he will, sometime in the future, be distracted again.We have been together for 20 years. We know each other. We have a good enough life together that neither of us want to walk away. Maybe we are just too tired and old to walk away. It feels like that to me. I am 38. He has had at least 6 affairs. I dont really know if he has ever been faithful. Is this normal? Is it ok to just accept the pattern and live with it? Fern
Fern,I'm not sure there is a "normal" response to this. I think a lot of our response depends on our expectations, on earlier trauma or treatment. Which makes me wonder why you're accepting a relationship that isn't the relationship you want. Do you know why? What does "accepting" mean to you. I suspect that there's a whole lot of pain there that you won't or perhaps can't access. Maybe it's part of a lifetime of pain you've had to experience, maybe it's some old bad messages that you don't deserve better than this. Maybe it's that old "devil you know, is better than the one you don't". I don't know, Fern. It sounds like you don't even really know either and that's okay.But I do know that each of us is deserving of feeling emotionally and physically safe in our marriage. Each of us deserves to be with someone who values our hearts. We each deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and kindness. You say you "know each other" but what does that mean exactly? Does he "know" how much pain he's causing you? Does he "know" the deep disappointment you feel that you won't experience the relationship you want "in this lifetime"? It sounds as if he has no desire to even know himself, to discover why he needs to escape his own feelings by "distraction". I suspect he has a mountain of pain buried somewhere deep in his heart.Whatever you decide to do, and you get to make that choice Fern, I hope you'll seek out a therapist who can support you as you try to heal from. Someone who can help you come to terms with your choice and move forward. "Skin deep happy" might feel preferable to the fear of the unknown but I suspect it won't work long-term.I hope you'll continue to share here and get support from the amazing women on this site. You're among friends here who know what you're going through and who are walking different paths as we heal from it. There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you.
Fern I'm not sure if I've ever heard of affairs being called just distractions! While the affair does distract the spouse from being an attentive partner to you his choice of these distractions over his relationship with you speaks volumes! You asked if it's normal but until I was a betrayed wife, I thought our marriage was normal! Turned out it was nothing near normal! My h checked out of our marriage to test different sex, we've been together since I was 15 and I'm now 56, so he felt like he needed to know if he was missing out on the life he day dreamed about. He got into a deep emotional and very hurtful affair for all three people! We're finally passed the worst of our pain, and carving a path to our future trying to have a more honest open marriage. Until your h understands why he needs these distractions the marriage you describe will never be what you want it to be! And that is totally up to the two of you to work through together! Hugs!
We are married for 11 years, together for 18 years. I found out his multiple one night stands and a 2 year affair just 2 months ago. He is an airline pilot. The OW actually flew to where he went for work for their meet ups! Can you imagine flying 12 hours just for 2 days meeting? H claimed they were just travelling companions, the sexual part happened only later. I was devastated. Also found out about his multiple one night stands overseas. He would hit the bars to look for hook ups and he would secretly film them having sex. H confessed he was more excited by the secret filming of sexual acts than the sex itself. I'm horrified, I never knew this secret side of my husband. H was remorseful and swore the last one night stand happened end of 2015. I'm trying to forgive and work through our marriage as we have 2 young children. But sometimes, I really think of leaving.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I know how excruciating it is. Of course, you think of leaving. I think we all do when faced with learning that our husband is like a stranger. What is he doing to get to the root of why he behaved the way he did. It sounds beyond the usual mid-life crisis. Does he have a sex addiction? He certainly has issues with honesty. And with boundaries.I don't think any of us get through this in a healthy way without really examining the issues we bring to the marriage and learning how to rebuild d marriage based on honesty and integrity and mutual respect. Staying for your two young kids is tempting but I don't think it's enough.
Is there a thread or a page for affairs that occurred long ago and were recently revealed?
I've searched without luck for this. Mine cheated several times between years 3 to 9. I found out the full scope after our recent 25th. He didn't think I'd be so upset since he says he's been faithful for so long now. My head is ready to explode!
I've been married for 32 years. 9 mos ago I discovered a long distance, long term emotional affair my husband was having with an old girlfriend - the same woman whose affair with him broke up his first marriage. Since then I have discovered many other emotional affairs that he has been having throughout our marriage. One was with an undergraduate student, age 20. He is 69. Just yesterday, in response to probing from me, he revealed that 22 years ago he had a sexual affair with a former graduate student of his (they were approximately the same age.) that affair lasted a year and ended, he says, when she demanded he leave his family and move away with her. As you can imagine, I am reeling. I was devastated when I found out about the first affair and now that we are up to at least 8, my feelings can't even be described adequately. We have been in marriage counseling for 8 months now and he is also going to individual therapy. He claims to be very remorseful and says that he loves me and only me (now.) he says that he wants to stay married and that he will never cheat again. Apart from the sexual affair years ago which definitely ended, these affairs were ongoing as if last May. The sheer number of affairs is overwhelming to me. I'm sure there are many more sexual and emotional affairs that I will never even know about. As is often the case, people think of him as a saint. A down to earth friendly loyal devoted family man. He has almost always treated me with respect and kindness - on the surface that is. I still can't wrap my head around the difference between how he presented himself to the world vs this very active secret life of infidelity. I think leaving him would be the right thing to do but starting over at age 61 is not an appealing prospect. I am heartbroken and confused. My whole world has been turned upside down.
jmhI'm so sorry! I understand the heartbroken confused feelings all too well! I too had a very difficult time understanding his 'I love you more now than ever'. What the hell did you feel for me during the affair dumbass! Oh yeah, I forget, we, our love, was kept safely in a box,? Compartmentalism runs deep for my h! That's how he deals with his life all the time. When his two 'boxes' smashed to the floor spilling out his ugly double life, he really got more than he bargained for when he thought he was just looking for different sex(midlife crisis affair). He didn't count on the ow falling in love with him and becoming delusional that she was the 'wife' that he needed and wanted, ect...gag! The one thing I know about emotiional affairs is that they too can destroy a marriage! The only way I have found that moves me/us forward is I learned all I cared to about the affair and all I could about men whose ability for compartmentalizations is greater than their emotional capabilities. I still have triggers and depending on how my h reacts, they pass quickly or can escalate to full meltdown of tears and ugly screams. This stuff hurts so bad because it makes us feel as though our whole marriage was faked and lies! Or at least that's how his cow believed our relationship was. It scrambled my brain for quiet a while! Then I began to take my time and listen to how my h feels now as opposed to when his affair began. There was once he said to me, why can't either one of you hear my truth! Well I calmly reminded him he had spent too much time lying to both of us to hear his (now truth). Your h could be truly feeling the remorse he claims. These years of deception have a way of catching up to the individual. He's likely living with a ton of shame! He could also have depression associated to his choices! I suggest you continue mc until you gain clarity on your feelings. This takes as long as it takes! It's different for everyone. There's not much you can do about starting over at your age. The truth is you will be starting over whether you stay married to him or not. The marriage you had is not the marriage you want. However, you can work together for a more honest loving marriage but it takes lots of work from both of you! Breathe deep and practice self care! Just know there are many here that know just how you feel! Hugs!
Theresa I can't thank you enough for your very insightful reply. So much of what you said is my exact story! My husband talked (almost bragged) about his ability to compartmentalize. And yes he claims his love for me now is stronger and more rewarding than anything he ever had with these women. But the years and years of lying and secrets are so very damaging. And yes, emotional affairs are just as bad as the physical ones. I will continue marriage counseling and I'm going to start individual therapy too. Thank you so much.
jmh, I am glad you have found the support on this blog. I think CH's realize how much they love us once they realize the risk of loosing us is high. Before that they took our love for granted. I am having a really bad last 2-3 days. My H has been doing all the right things for the past few weeks. Yet, I am sobbing because I have been mentally reprocessing the totality of my life - my birth mother gave me up for adoption, my adoptive parents abused me and my husband of 18 years has had 3A's (1 month long work A that got intercepted before it became physical, a two week cyber A and 1 very damaging intermittent P/EA over 4 years with a family member which he lied to me about for over a decade while his family knew. During those years my H dragged my reputation through the gutter to the OW and my MIL. He thinks he loved the OW which has ripped my heart to shreds. His family disrespected me rather than my H over his decisions to cheat. My H knew of my childhood and promised many times before we got married that he would take care of my heart and he broke that promise often - not just the A's other big lies. My children prefer their dad over me b/c he is the fun one and I make sure they do their homework, chores and eat their vegetables. I look back on my life and realize I have never been truly loved by another person. Like you, my H also says he loves me more than ever now, and I do believe him, but that doesn't give me back all the years he didn't love me. I will never know what it feels like to be honored, cherished or respected by the people I have loved. My heart is SO broken I can literally feel it.
Your entry has me in tears, brown eyed girl. I am so sorry and sad that you have had this horrible experience. I know just what you mean when you say his current claims of loving you don't make up for all of the years of cheating. Even if I could believe that my husband would never cheat again, I can never accept what he has done. I believe in my case that the cheating was pretty much constant through all of the years of our marriage. I would need a lobotomy to forget about it much less forgive all if it. Like you, I am still broken by this. I believe that my h and I will be divorcing but I know that isn't the right answer for everyone. I assume your husband is a lot younger than mine and therefore has a chance (and plenty of years left) to change. I pray that he can and it sounds like he wants to. I am also sorry about your very difficult childhood. After enduring that, you deserved so much better from your husband. I will keep you in my prayers. I know that at some point both of us will begin to heal and feel better, whatever path we choose.
I wrote a reply to you several days ago but it hasn't shown up here yet. I hope it does. Your post had me in tears. Heartbreaking. I hope and pray that you find peace. Take comfort in the fact that your husband loves you - even if it may be too little too late. I know your children love you too. My kids always thought their dad was the best too, for the same reasons you mentioned. But kids love their mom. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal. I hope you can see a therapist. It can help if only to have someone to open up to. Your story, like mine, is painful beyond words. I know how you feel when you talk about your broken heart.
Thanks jmh. My kids do love me and I love them so much. I am desperately want to give them a home with both their parents. I don't want them to have to endure what there dad or I have from our parents. Our families, especially my H's mother are responsible for setting the foundation that lead to my H's depression which led to self medication and the A's were another form of self medication. My kids basically have no grandparents. H's mother abandoned him at the age of 2, but now that he is an adult with a wife to do all the motherly things she never did or was capable of doing she can now be his 'friend'. MIL has done great damage to my marriage by piling on when my H went to her every time he was unhappy with our marriage. MIL's family is rot with divorce, adultery and psychiatric diagnoses. FIL is a really gentle loving man, but lives out of state and has younger children from his 3rd marriage so he hasn't been able to visit us that often. My 'father' is dead and I finally estranged my 'mother' when she tried to ruin our wedding day. H's entire 'mother's' side of the family knows H had sex with his cousin's wife - so they all have a bad opinion of ME and I am too embarrassed to be around them all knowing what my H did. Oh, but they still speak to H. Psychos. My own extended family is wonderful but they live over a thousand miles away and some of them have never been on a plane. So it's basically just my H, our kids and me. Some really great friends here. But no true family. No one to be a good role model. No one to tell my CH to shape up. No one to comfort me. No one to help with the kids.I believe my H does love me, however I think he has loved himself more for a very long time. When we fell in love and got married I think he loved me more than himself. For many years I have loved him more and I felt like I was the only one holding this marriage together until recently. Now since Dday he is doing so many right things, yet when we do fight the fights are worse than ever. We are going to MC and IC as well. I just don't know how therapy can help me heal if what I am missing is the kind of full love I know I will never have in this lifetime.
jmh, I am 20 months out from D-day. We just celebrated our 37th anniversary and my husband cheated on me the first time when our first born was an infant. He spent our entire marriage viewing porn, going to strip clubs and withdrawing. For the ten years before D-day he was paying for sex and only told me because he thought he had AIDS. Our daughter was due to have her first baby a week after he told me and he was struggling to recover from pneumonia (he was sick a long time and googled symptoms and found AIDS even though he said he always used a condom). Like your husband, my husband has always presented as mr. nice guy. Handsome, helpful, doting and involved yet the dark forces that took hold when he was a young child lead him down a dead-end path. I made the immediate decision to not make any major changes for a year and just fell apart internally but kept it together for outsiders for months. We did counseling and reading. He took the online test for sex addiction and passed with flying colors. Sad. He says he always loved me, never wanted a divorce but could not stop despite trying to. He also is/was a master compartmentalizer but says he doesn't do than anymore. It's all connected in his head now. Between then and now we have come a long way with MC and IC. My firm boundary is no porn and no prostitutes. One infraction and we are done. It took me until last month to really understand internally that I could be just fine on my own. He fears I'll leave him. I'm committed to our marriage as long as he is able to do his part which he is doing nicely. It gets a little easier over time if your spouse will do the work he needs to do to figure out what the heck he was doing. I fight the feeling that I wasted my life with him and deserved a better man but that is not what I got and he is really trying to be that man, the one I thought he was and the one he wants to be right now. He understands a whole lot about his life and it wasn't peaches and cream like he always talked about. The truth hurt and he hurt and now he is much better. That still leaves me in his wake but it was never about me. It was always about him. He owns it and does not blame me at all. It still hurts me mjh, and probably always will. We are moving forward with a concrete understanding of whats at stake and both of us are working to be happy as individuals and as a couple. Do I wish I could romantically look back at our lives and have that fairy tale story to share? Yes but that won't happen with the guy I married. I have new wedding rings and when I look at them I don't hear the "wedding ring story" that was a big part of the first set. This hurts him terribly because it was his story. Too bad buddy. You can't touch me with the ring I put on your finger and you then fondled whores with. Nope, he cried but I did not care. I'm going to sell them and donate the money to some organization that works with trafficked girls. Anyway, only you will know what you want to do regardless of how devoted your husband seems. This is my truth too. I've not regretted staying although there were times I hated his guts, couldn't stand to look at his face and just prayed he would have a heart attack and die. I rarely have those thoughts anymore. Hang in there.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me Beach Girl. Your post came at a time when I was feeling very low and it gave me comfort and some hope to realize that I am not alone in this devastating new reality. I know what you mean when you talk about having prayed for him to die. I've had those exact thoughts repeatedly. I still feel so lost, nine months out from dday. I don't think I can ever get past this and have a normal life with him. And yet I don't want to end our family unit. My kids are grown but neither has a significant other. We are who they celebrate all birthdays and holidays with. It breaks my heart to think that will be forever changed. I'm sorry for everything that you have endured. I'm encouraged by your story to think that there is a chance to stay together even after the worst betrayal. I love your idea about selling your old rings and donating the money. Very thoughtful. Thank you again and very best wishes as you continue on this journey.
jmh, Sorry I'm late to your post and so sorry for what you're going through. As we so often remind each other on this site, if you're not sure what the next step is for you, then give yourself time to figure it out. You don't need to make a choice until your'e ready. You've been dealt a huge shock and it takes time to absorb that and really get clear on what feels right for you.I hope you won't let your age dictate how you respond. I hope you'll make a choice based on where you want to be and how you want to live the rest of your life. You can't change the past, of course. And it will take a long time to process the pain caused by your husband's long-term betrayal. What's more, it will take him time to really understand just how deeply he's hurt you and to understand why he did it. There's undoubtedly some demons there that he needs to unearth and address.But in the meantime, jmh, allow yourself to feel the pain without feeling as though you have to DO something about it right now. Be gentle with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. Continue to share on this site or elsewhere, anywhere you can find non-judgemental support and wisdom. Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join.
Thank you Elle. This forum has been very helpful to me and I'm so grateful for it. Your good advice here is very much what my therapist was telling me today. I know that I need to take my time with this. Time will tell.
I should have added that he is a college professor and of course should never ever have begun secret inappropriate relationships with students. It is a huge breach of professional ethics. Also worth noting that he had a happy childhood with strong family bonds. He was the firstborn and his mother adored him. I've said that he is an adoration addict, never met a mirror he didn't love. Maybe because mom convinced him he was a prince? Not even good looking. He's in shape for his age but not an Adonis. Nevertheless lots of women seem to think he's great and are more than willing to start affairs with him.
jmh, at 9 months I was still a mess with my hair falling out and extreme weight loss. Our adult children do not know. Only my best friend knows and only the skeleton and I only told her after 6 months. I did not want to blow up my children's lives with the knowledge of their father's addiction. They deserve so much better than that. He knows that if he has one episode of porn/sex we are done and I will tell everyone the truth. I think he is sincere about changing his life. I ask periodically about his head space and it is typically good. It was awful, those early days/weeks/months of crying and lashing out at him. We each saw a therapist individually and together. When I finally found the sites with sex addiction tests I sent it to him and he took it and then cried when he said he fit. He discovered a bunch of things in therapy. He ordered George Collins book on Overcoming Sexual Compulsions and I ordered their couples books. George has a web site with a good blog. There are many useful resources online that help me a lot. We each did a Mindfulness training and his was for addictions. We do yoga. We walk and we talk. He is/was motivated to get out of the hole he had dug for himself. There is so much more. I post on other threads here so feel free to read those. He wants our marriage to last and he knows he has to really work at being the guy he knows I want to be married to. I'm not 100% committed to staying married because that just feels too vulnerable at this point but we are doing an awful lot together to make new memories. He professes his fidelity to me every night. I can't say that back but I do let him know that I like the sound of that. Time will tell but I'm really doing my best to have a good life and become more independent. Never thought I'd have to take this detour in marriage but it is here and a month ago I realized that I'm not afraid anymore. If my marriage ends, I will be OK. It isn't what I foresee happening but if things go sideways outside of one of us dying, I will be OK and even if he died, I'd be OK. I read daily about Mindfulness and mediate and this is all for me to manage my stress but it doesn't always work. I just need to breath through it, try to tame the ugly thoughts in my mind and realize that I can make my day to day life what I want it to be. You are still in deep trauma. Just breath and consider carefully what your next best step is. You might need to sleep a lot after a long walk. I did see an attorney early on to understand what I'd be entitled to should we divorce and that scared the crap out of him. But honestly, what did he expect me to do? I gave him my whole life and he kept a large part of his life hidden from me until June 2015. You just can't fix that but I'm not giving up on me.
Our stories have a lot in common. I spoke to an attorney also. My husband has been tearful and claims to want to save our marriage but I just don't believe anything he says anymore. what hurts me the most is that all of his affairs involved romance, time, attention, affection, long hours of talking, lunch dates and more. He behaved as a person in love behaves with all of theses women, usually having several such affairs going at a time. He denies now that he was in love. He prefers to say he was "highly infatuated" with them. And they were scum of the earth sewer rats. One sent me anonymous poison pen letters during their affair telling me about it. At the time he assured me that there was no affair and he had no idea who might have sent them. Our kids were so little at the time and I had complete faith in him so I eventually forgot all about it. I actually thought someone had gotten my name and address randomly from the phone book and had sent them as a nasty prank of some sort. Now it comes out that he knew they were from her all along. Even knowing that she was upsetting me greatly with these letters, he continued on with the affair, driving 45 minutes to her house twice a week to have sex with her for several years. I don't actually consider him to be a sex addict, though. I almost wish that was the case as then there might be some hope he could be helped with a 12 step program and therapy. These affairs were more about him having a devoted fan club of women. What to do when your husband is a narcissistic sociopath? Or just a plain amoral egotistical asshole? I'm glad for you that you and your husband are making new memories. He is clearly making an effort. My husband and I had a few months of that too, when we seemed to be falling in love again. Then came the latest revelation about the sexual affair when our kids were little and everything fell apart. He had been telling me that the cheating was a recent phenomenon and never involved sex - just emotional affairs. All lies. It's obvious he cheated from day one, just as he had with his first wife. I have very little hope of staying together but I'm not quite ready to divorce just yet. Therapy continues. I'm just trying to keep my head above water each day. It gets harder each day.
jmh,It's obvious the CH's are not mentally healthy. There is no logic in what they say or do. Your H acted romantic and said he wasn't in love. My H did nothing romantic and said he thought he was in love. They all need to see a physiatrist! I think you are doing the right thing to take it one day at a time and go to therapy. There is no deadline for you to decide if you want a separation or divorce. I am in the same spot as you. One day at a time. No decision. Almost 4 mos from Dday and our relationship has been 3/4 good days and 1/4 the worst fights of our 21 year relationship. My H is really doing a lot to demonstrate he wants to preserve our marriage forever. But the betrayal was bad so I don't know if I will ever heal "enough" to stay married. I hope I can for my kids and myself. But, I'm resolved to the fact that it is MY decision and I don't have to give myself or anyone else a timeline. I learned that on this site. You keep putting yourself first. You don't ever have to trust him again. We should have never trusted them in the first place. Do work on forgiveness though (it is a process, not black & white it might take a very long time and that's ok but it will bring you peace to simply intend to forgive him someday). Do you have an IC too?
jmh, my heart breaks for you. This is historical betrayal trauma and complex at that with all the affairs. I am not qualified to diagnose your spouse but from the things I've read your suggestion that he is a narcissistic sociopath kind of fits. Please take good care of yourself. You deserve it. Last month by best friend and I went to a local spa and had mani/pedi's with cocktails to boot during the process and then had dinner with another drink. It was so much fun that we are doing it again Friday! I use to go to the cheap Asian run places but once I found out about his Asian whores I thought, never again buddy. You went to expensive whores and now I am going to indulge myself at the local high-end spa. All he says when he sees the bill is, "they must like you" to which I reply, "I like them too". I'm sure he never gave it a second thought to what he paid for his sex and blow-jobs so I don't care what I pay when I sign up for pampering. I'll be damned if I'm going to die first and leave him one extra cent to spend on whores even though he says he will never do that again. Maybe he will and maybe he won't but he probably won't while I'm alive but that does not mean I'm not going to enjoy my life and our money while I still have all my faculties.
Thank you. It is a heartbreaking situation. At this point I just hope we can get to the point where there will be no new revelations. Then I can start to process all of this and see where it all leads. This has been a huge shock and I am still reeling. You're right, I do need to take care of myself and spend some quality time with friends. I'm lucky to have very supportive friends and sisters.
Jmh, so sorry you are here and your story is heartbreaking. I have just passed the three year mark but I think back to where I was at 9 mths and it is just a haze of anger and confusion and so much hurt. Like everyone says....give it time. Take each day as it comes. Take your time to heal. Let him know what it is like. So many parts of your story are like mine. My husband has an adoring mother and every time she tells me what a wonderful son he is I feel like telling her he is nothing but a cheating lying deceitful bastard...but at 87 I think it would not do her any good to have her dreams shattered. He was also in multiple affairs at the same time with a list of women and girls he was meeting and grooming. On first reveal he was told he was a narcisstic sociopath. He felt quite affronted. He was told he was a sex addict. He started the 12 steps. In the end after three years he realised he was just an immature entitled arsehole who lived a selfish life in a bubble of self centredness. The whole journey is two steps forward and one step back. It will never be the same. The fantasy of a monogamous marriage is no more. He is doing the work, in words and actions every.single.day. He has to accept anything and everything in my healing. This will be our thirty third year of marriage but I only consider the last three years as a true marriage of honesty commitment and love.Take your time to heal. Trust your instincts. Find yourself some peace and know that you have the wisdom.Take care xxxx
It's amazing how similar our stories are. Thank you for sharing your story wIth me. I know this will take a long time. I still don't know if we will make it. One day at a time - and some days are harder than others. Interesting that you used the word grooming. That's what my husband was doing too with the younger of his "girlfriends." Pathetic behavior from someone of his age. Embarrassing beyond belief. He is addicted to the excitement of new/forbidden romance, more so than even the sex. He looks for admirers and as a professor at a good size university, he was always able to find plenty of needy or manipulative women to get involved with. In that setting, the professors are looked up to, regardless of their looks, personality, etc. If they are looking for opportunities, as my h always was, they will find them. The whole culture of cheating that he has immersed himself in is repulsive to me. I still have so much anger and still don't believe anything he says. He is trying to be the person he should have been all along but it might be too little too late. I just don't know yet.
jmh, I spent the first 14 months after D-day seeing my therapist every other week for 1.5 hours at a time and often two hours at a time because I was so traumatized. Regardless of what your spouse says/feels, you deserve to seek help if you can access it in your community. This will help you deal with you and what you are experiencing. Please find a skilled professional to help you deal with this. When cash flow for us gets a little dicey, he takes money out of his retirement account for me to use. I'm not touching mine. Whatever we/I need, it comes out of his account. I also feel a repulsion of the culture my husband immersed himself in over the years and I know without a doubt that I only know a little bit of the truth because it is so disgusting. I do know about the sexual events and I have a generic idea of the porn immersion but he is equally disgusted in his own behaviors of the past. He knows that my feelings of hatred/sadness come and go and this is very painful for him. I'm really at the point now where I think the fleeting anger and hatred I feel is like a strong wind that is not sustained or sustainable and quickly dissipates however the underlying sadness and grief is what colors my world. I'm still working on that because it affects everything and prevents me from fully living life. My husband would much rather deal with my anger and hatred then my sadness. He is rarely defensive anymore but when he does lash back I remind him that this is all his fault. What did he expect from me and just how does he think I should feel about his decision to live his life in the swamp? I had no idea and I trusted him completely. I'd like to not feel sad and I'm not nearly as bad as I was just two months ago but this is just really, really hard to live with. Just take your time to decide what you want to do. I'm coming up on 21 months and most of the time I am pretty stable/level but sometimes I fight demons in my head. We cannot change the past and we will never "unknow" what we know but over time, some of it does get duller in my life. You can't make your husband get his life together but you can get yours together. I am just now really getting the emotional stability I need to venture out. I've decided that I will take a class at the local community college or mindfulness center every quarter. It gets me out of the house and makes me focus on something new and different. It forces me out of my comfort zone. I've been a wife/mother for so long I've forgotten how to be me. I'm rebuilding my identity slowly and exploring ways to increase my satisfaction with life. There may be things that my husband decides to join me in but it is not required. Your husband is very lucky he has not been turned in by his students as he would likely lose his job. Men are so short sighted. Sending you a hug and wishing you some peaceful moments in your day.
Beach Girl, I have been reading and catching up on this site. I needed to read this today. I too have forgotten who I am, what makes me happy and what I would do on my own free time if I had some. I am a wife and mother. What I am outside of that is something I have let go, and forgotten to nurture. I am going to take time for me. I am going to discover again who I am and what makes me happy. I am on the brink of asking for a divorce and if I go through with it, I will have more time on my hands and I refuse to turn into a recluse. I believe we live on the same island. Perhaps we should meet up for coffee sometime. :)
My situation married 2001, found out in 2005 he was addicted to port and had been (he said before we were married, but idk) having a lot of casual sex. He told me it was all done with from that 1st D day. It wasn't in 2011 I saw a tax come in on his phone, I wasn't looking, just happened to pass by. He had been having an affair he admitted from 2005. I later found stuff on Feb message and email that showed he was perusing a number of different women. I have come from a very broken childhood, and believe in forgiveness and healing, so felt that we could make it work.We have gone through so much since 2011, good bad and ugly.He has only just agreed to MC, which starts in a couple of weeks.I have had to learn aso much about bounderies and looking after myself.Can anyone else tell me about any V days? What are your victories? I want some stories to build up my hope on the toughest days.TIA
You are so right about forgiveness. That is a goal of mine. 9 months into this and new affair was revealed just a few weeks ago. I'm looking forward to a time when healing can begin. I do have an IC - have had 2 sessions so far. I know it will help al lot. Yes CHs are damaged goods, mentally. The woman my h had the sexual affair with when our kids were little was a lunatic nut job as well. Im glad you reminded me that there is no timeline that we have to follow. I will be dealing with this forever and I need to process it at my own pace. I hope I can get to the point you are at with 3/4 good days. For me the ratio is about 9/10 bad days tho my husband is trying to do all the right things now. I just have so much anger and hurt.
Jmh Thank you for your post. I am pleased to hear you are having IC we really need a lot of the right support to get through this. And grace with ourselves and our DH for the tough days.I have been through so many different processes, as much as I'd love to get a short cut through, I know it is all doing some good.It took me ages to realise I was angry with DHL, but I needed that anger to give me the nudge to do things to protect myself.As DH is typical of addicted person, much as he loves me, he can't protect me from himself. I was acting as his enabler by letting the healing process happen his way.Yet when I finally said he had to do MC, which I had been saying for years, but this time I added a consequence that I was prepared to carry through with. DH agreed. Initially unhappily so, then, after processing it, he was happy.That is my most recent marriage victory.Even 1/10 good day at your stage is very good. Keep on the fight for your victory, your healing. X
It still amazes me how huge the impact of infidelity has one our lives. It brings us to our knees. It knocked the wind from our bodies. The shock and hurt is really beyond description. I had no idea it would hit me like this.In my naivity I thought I would just get angry and then kick him out. After all I had always told him if I found out he was cheating....well, you know the rest.I think back to all the weird emotions that have been travelled. I even felt sorry for all the OW at one point. Seriously?A roller coaster is a good description of life after adultery. The good thing is that as time goes on the roller coaster does not reach the same highs and lows anymore. It s ride weakens and the immense hurt lessens and an acceptance is found. For some of us an understanding appears. We all seek to try and find a reason for their disgusting behaviour and it will be different for every man. Just last night we started to watch a bbc UK series called AppleGate Lane. Main theme is infidelity. I was ok watching it but husband was a mess. He said he felt so ashamed of himself. He felt his choices were unbelievable, what was he thinking, how could he think like that and then so apologetic and then so thankful I am still here. The fact I was ok with it told me I have come a long way in my healing. I felt no anger. I felt no hurt or unfairness. It was an acceptance. Life is what it is and we can choose our own path.Ok, the path is not very clearly defined and I have found myself wondering what the hell am I still doing here .....many a time. I look back and I think I floundered quite a bit. We tried separation a few times. I thought that was what I wanted. I tried all sorts of therapies. I tried different IC. Mindfulness. Life coaching. Journey therapy. Yoga, meditation. Retreats. I think maybe they all helped in a way, well, they must have because I feel quite centered and logical in my path now and when I compare it back to my various DDays well I know I have come a long way.My husband, the liar, the cheater, the selfish man, has also been on a long journey. For an intelligent academic person he really was emotionally immature. He did not know what to do or where to begin to repair the marriage and thought that by being faithful and saying he will never lie again was all he had to do. Boy, has he been on a journey of self discovery. He hates what he did but he loves the person he is today. He loves living a life of honesty. Life is so much easier when you don't have to lie and hide and deceive. Why could he not see that before? I call it a huge awakening and of course he is finally maturing into adult life.....not bad at 58.
Life after adultryEven though my h didn't have multiple affairs, the emotions of post dday are pretty similar. And, yes just like yours and so many other men, my h discovered the path he took that held so many lies, even if in his mind, only by omission, these lies left him miserable and he too hated himself and dealing with his messy life! Once I knew about the affair, in the early days, before she went totally crazy ow, my h expressed his relief at the no more lies and one more to cover for the last set of lies. His health was suffering but he covered it up. He took tons of antiacids but ended up with a few ulcers that have now healed. He learned that secrets of any kind undermine our relationship and he lives in honesty and finally feels good about himself again. It took this much self inflicted pain for him to finally grow up and realize sex as a fantasy comes at a price when you're ' happily married, but want to try new sex. He is still very immature emotionally, he feels them but has no words to express them. And just about the same age as yours...
TheresaMarch and Life after Adultery,It is interesting that both of you comment on your DH journey. I have not understood my DH's journey. I have a bad feeling there is more 'revelations' to come, not because I am suspicious of him, I'm not snooping on him or anything like that. It because we are no longer intimate, I mean emotional and mental closeness, rather than physical. But from what I see, there is no change in his behaviour.Before I knew, I thought we did share intimacy, but I now know that it was a lie. Since then we rarely share with each other. I know my reason is that I can't trust him to be vulnerable with, and I suspect his reason if fear of rejection. The way he has treated me suggests to me that he still hasn't processed what has happened. Interestingly when we watch things with infidelity, it has no effect on him at all.Something I noticed from what you both said was how your journey was separate from your DH, I find that so refreshing.I am no longer tied down by my DH, an his lack of healing or imature way he handles pain. I am free.I hope to be able to see, just as you both have, growth and development in my DH. It must be a lovely feeling of pride that you stuck at it, and didn't give up.X
Faith RoseI think for me, I really didn't get this perspective the first year post dday, nor the first half of the second year. I began to see changes in my h from the first day after dday. However, because she would not stop the contact, he did hide a few texts she sent because he was seeing how upset I became by the content. This was early weeks after dday but before the judge signed the no contact due to harrassment. She was the one that didn't want their affair to end, my h confessed he had tried to end it within the first 2 months after it began. But she was a threat to tell me and as a therapist, she was very good at manipulating him until, he got disgusted with her constantly interrupting his day at work for meet ups..by that time just as a friend. He rejected her kiss that day and then ignored her calls text ect and within two weeks of that last encounter she blew up my phone and his with their 'truth and love'. I actually saw my h cringe every time he saw her number. For six months. It was the most difficult time of our marriage. I didn't know if I wanted to stay or go. So, I started walking my dog because she was gaining weight, and the next thing I knew I too was 4 sizes smaller than dday. Both due to the crash diet of dday and the extra exercise. So... Proud may not be the word I would use, but because I was determined not to let this cow decide what my marriage was/has the possibility of being, I waited and somehow by the grace of God, found this blog and began the slow journey to this place in my healing. It's still a work in progress. We're both under stress due to the added responsibilities for my mother and her health/end of life decisions. I am glad I was willing to have a compassionate heart towards my h. That hasn't been easy nor s given...I've lost myself several times due to triggers and he's had to endure the 'she devil' during those meltdowns. Not very proud of those either, but surprisingly after each of those, I processed more of the cause of the trigger and h worked his butt off to help me through them. So, I'm rambling a bit, but this is how I got to this place, better by far than dday, but still not willing to think that I'm completely healed. I don't expect to be. Just changed, and each day find something to be grateful for, even if it's just the wag of my 'faithful lab'! Hugs that your journey gets less bumpy!
There is a possibility there may be something your H is not telling you. Without him even realising it may be still eating away at him.It took my husband two months to come completely clean and it was only on the urging and advice of his IC. Once he confessed everything then the true healing began for both of us. I knew he had told me everything because the first affair he had which was one year into our marriage was an affair so long ago that I had no way of finding out. Finding out that affair was devastating. Just devastating but he knew he had to tell me.Healing then started and it has been a really rough ride. So much anger and hurt from me. So much shame and remorse from him. He is a rug sweeper and head in the sand type of personality and I would not let him do that. If I felt like addressing my hurt and talking to him , I did it. I felt I had to. It was too easy for him to just compartmentalise his behaviour. Forget it happened and move on. No way I felt that I could let him do that. I suspect that through all of our conversations and sessions it has brought us so much closer together. Not only did he go to IC but he tried SA for four steps. We talked about his journey there and decided it was not really suitable for him. He did some work on the recovery nation website. He did some work with the infidelity help group. He read a lot about selfishness, immaturity and empathy. Every thing he did helped him in some form. Every time he had a realisation he would talk to me about it. The whole three year process has forced us to open up to each other, learn how to effectively communicate and as a result we have become emotionally closer to each other than ever before. No more secrets, lies or deceit. Wisdom ,peace and acceptance is now the foundation of our relationship. I did not really know that I wanted to stay and work on our marriage, it was more like a step by step process. Even as recent as a year ago he was still being defensive about himself and I knew this was a huge barrier for me. I knew that if he did not accept or understand that his defensiveness was still an issue then I really had no choice but to leave. This then made him evaluate himself and work through why he was such a defensive person. If he had not done that work then I had no choice but to leave with that step of healing for both of us not being attained. Step by step by step .......I remember thinking that with each session ( I use this lightly...it was more like crazy banshee lady going berserk) we made it out the other side with having inched just that little bit forward and as long as we were inching forward there was reason to stay and work our relationship.I keep thinking I would have known when there was no point to continue working.I wish you well, take care. Xxx
Update from me,I have been doing a lot of 'work' recently. Having tried to hard to bury the pain & suffering and carry on as normal as possible for the kids, I had an almost full on break down in February. It effected my physical and mental health. So Ive had to work through things. I've been signed off work, doing CBT and we've had 1 session of MC. I also went on a retreat day with some Christian friends.I've been looking for hope. I've been finding it, I've been able to see some progress, which, however small is helpful.I've had to come to terms with the loss of the dream I had been holding on to. I had a dream of a stable, happy family, an ideal that I was not given in my childhood. I've been holding on with regret and shame to the fact that my life has been far from stable and happy. I am beginning to see that I need a new picture, a new hope. But in order to get that I need to give up my old dream. I can't fit the old into the new.Being a Christian Easter holds a lot of sentiment for me. Jesus bore his scars from the cross as a sign of His new life and the new life he offers us. I feel like I've need to let my scars come out of hiding. Not in a bare all, over sharing kind of way. In a way that acknowledges the growth, the grace, the journey, the healing, the courage, and everything else that is good that I can take from this ugly situation.So my new plan, while I wait for a new dream to fill my heart with hope, to hold on to progress and count the good things with a greatful heart. I will be honest with myself and my loved ones about my journey. I will continue to forgive my DH and let him build my faith in him.For those who have been able to move on, how did you 'let go'? What helped you?
I've been lurking here for a few days. It feels so good to find people who can understand the roller coaster of emotions I have right now. Today I am 3 weeks out fro D day, not for the first time in our marriage. I have been married to my h for almost 19 years. We have 3 children together. He adopted my son after we married and we have 2 daughters together. Around the 7 year mark of our marriage, I learned of several occurrences of infidelity, from the time we were engaged as recently as the year before. That doesn't include the time I caught him attempting to post a personal add on yahoo (yeah, that was a long time ago). After the first time he begged me to stay, he said he realized what he almost lost and he would never risk losing me again. We did a lot of hard work on our marriage, and were able to get to a good place. Fast forward 9 years. He told me that he had been smoking pot, daily for 3 years. This was as devastating as the cheating. He had been lying to me for 3 years, after all we did to rebuild trust, it felt like he hadn't really changed. We went back to marriage counseling. We really made some good progress. Our counselor was much better than the first one we had. Then we had some huge changes in our lives. I had weight loss surgery, which he was totally supportive of. This triggered some drastic life altering changes in me. I became like a different person. We continued counseling to try to navigate how my changes impacted our relationship. I realized that we had always had a very codependent relationship. It worked for us, but I was becoming more independent as I was losing weight and finding more self confidence. This left him feeling very lost because I didn't need him as much, and he needed to be needed. We talked about this extensively in counseling. I expressed my genuine desire for him to be able to find happiness in himself so we could be happy together. He felt I threw him out in the cold and told him to figure it out on his own. There was a lot of misunderstanding between both of us. I began shutting down. I literally gave up on our marriage ever changing. I needed him to be open with me. He needed physical intimacy. I couldn't give him what he needed without getting what I needed. We continued counseling, but we just kept talking at each other. I really just gave up. I was resigned to living in a marriage where nobodies needs were met. I was content to be friends. He was not, yet I still trusted him implicitly. He began talking about getting a car for our younger daughter who is 15 1/2. He said there was a woman at work who had a son that had an old mustang that needed a little work. She was willing to give it to us, if he was willing to do some work on their other cars. He came home and told me about it, and I told him I trust his decision and we could do it if he thought that was best. My daughter was so excited. He went to her house to look at the cars, and came home and said that he thought it would only be about $300 in parts, then he would get the mustang. I never suspected there was anymore to this relationship than the car deal.
He works 3rd shift, and I teach Chinese students online every morning. One morning he texted me and said he was going to take the dog down to the river and go metal detecting. This was not completely unusual. He texted me several times while he was down there. When he came home he got in the shower before heading to bed. While he was in the shower, I stepped in the bathroom to use the restroom. As I was in there, he received a message on facebook messenger. I picked up his phone and looked at it. It was an explicit message from a woman. I asked him who this person was. He said it was the woman he was getting the car from. I held his phone up and showed him the message. The first words out of his mouth were, "I'm getting my needs met." That was like a punch in the stomach. Not only had he cheated again, but he wasn't even sorry about it. I got dressed and left the house. It turns out she had messaged him while he was down at the river and asked if he wanted to get together and f***. Over the next couple days it came out that they had been having an emotional affair for a couple of weeks. He had shared our marital problems with her, and she had taken the opening to tell him how she wanted him, and talk to him about all the dirty things she would let him do to her.I cried with one of my dear friends. Then he called me and we argued. I told him I was done and we needed to talk to our daughters. I went home, and we argued again. He literally spent the first 2 hours after discovery saying it was his fault, but... You name it, he said it. He justified it because he wasn't getting something from me. The next day started off about the same way that day ended. I was still a mess, and he was still unapologetic. At some point during that day, it was like a light switch went on in him. He began crying hysterically. This is from a man who NEVER cries. He was yelling, please don't leave me. We talked about how I can't trust him, he has lied to me multiple times, etc. Somehow the conversation got around to it being difficult to love him because he didn't love himself. This was like a revelation for him. He realized what an angry person he had become. He was mean, to everyone. He was not pleasant to be around. The kids and I tiptoed around him because if he was mad, he was going to make us all sorry in a very passive aggressive way.
I am really struggling right now. Next year is my daughter's senior year of high school. I refuse to leave right now because of my children. Our son is an adult and has moved out, but our daughter's are both still in high school. I don't want my daughter's memory of her senior year to be her parents getting a divorce. I have decided I'm going to stick it out with him, at least 3 more years, until my youngest daughter graduates. I'm genuinely hoping we can fix us in the meantime. I am struggling with feeling embarrassed about staying with him because this seems to be a pattern with him. I feel like people on the outside of our relationship probably would think I'm an idiot and a sucker.Right now, I feel like I have seen some changes in him. He is not as angry anymore. He comes home and tells me how good it feels not to be yelling at people at work. Things are not as tense around our house. He does seem to be opening up to me.Of course, there is hysterical bonding going on right now. But our relationship feels different and closer than it ever has in our entire 19 year marriage. We are having the best sex we've ever had, and I attribute it to feeling close to him because he has actually been talking to me. I am afraid it will all end, just like it always does.He has begun some psychological testing at the suggestion of our counselor. He seems to go through a kind of cycle. I have actually been saying that in counseling for a while. He is unhappy about something, keeps it bottled up, then becomes angry. He gets progressively angrier until he self destructs. Usually it has to do with sex because he has an extremely high sex drive. I hope that the psychological counseling will help him, and us find some answers.He has said to me repeatedly, he sees what he did wrong in our relationship that led to this. He tells me he understands how he wasn't communicating with me and that we need that openness to have physical intimacy. He has also said, he hopes I stay with him, but he is going to work on himself whether I stay or not. I feel so confused by my own feelings right now. I feel so happy when I'm around him because he is not the same person he was 3 weeks ago, but I'm also still very hurt and angry. I feel like this has been a win-win for him. He had sex with another woman, then he gets what he wants from our marriage because of that. I'm really struggling, but I want to hope that he can change, but I've hoped that so many times. I do truly love him. The thought of being without him hurts so much, now that I'm seeing a better person. I know this was long, I just hope someone can relate to my situation and help me.
Anonymous- I can very much relate to your situation. My husband has had many, many affairs during our marriage. I found out about them a year ago. We have been in marriage counseling and individual therapy (both of us) since then. Like your husband, mine swears he is a different person now. He has been loving and affectionate and claims to be remorseful. He swears that he'll never cheat again. His therapist recommended psychological testing for him and he took the test last week. Results aren't in yet. We are all just wondering how a seemingly nice person, a well respected college professor, could essentially have been living a double life for forty years. (We've been together for 35 yrs but he was cheating during a brief first marriage too - before he and I met.) my main question is can he change. Forty years of doing anything seemed like it would be a hard habit to break. He has issues of narcissism, a huge ego and a strong sense of being entitled to do whatever makes him feel good. My therapist suggested that he is very needy and may have an emptiness inside himself that he is always looking to fill. I think he may be a sociopath given how easily and readily he lied for so many years - having convinced everyone that he is a saint. I don't know what will happen. I still often think that divorce is the only thing that makes sense. That would be a just punishment fir him but I'd be punishing myself as well. I don't look forward to starting over and being on my own at this point in my life (I'm 61.) I know what you mean about wanting to protect your kids. Mine are grown but they would be hurt if we divorced. I don't have any help to offer you except that know you are not alone in this. There are many of us facing this heartbreaking situation and we are all here to support one another. Take your time to decide what to do. He needs to earn back your trust. I hope he can. God bless and take care.
Anon and jmh it was both with sympathy and concern I read your posts.Sympathy as I guess there are bound to be similar traits in our husbands who have all been unfaithful too many times to count.Concern, as although my children our younger than both of yours, the investment that we've all made as mothers and long time partners can understandably impact our thinking.As you have said jmh, we too have been involved with IC and MC. It has been suggested that my DH had some traumatic experience that lead to his emptiness. But so far all it seems to be is a lot of family conflict growing up,I've been inclined to see things through on the bases that I know after all we've been through I wouldn't want to give in if there was hope. And the good that we share is enough to give hope.Although I am beginning to see that my tolerance for inappropriate behaviours has been wrong. I'm trying to make decisions to put in healthy bounderies every day. I'm told by my DH that it's not win win as far as he's concerned, he has to live with himself and what he's done. This takes a level of humility that is hard for him. It does also hurt to see the person you love hurting, knowing it's you that did it.Not sure that is helpful for you, but I wanted to say I do understand and I know it's not easy.
jmh and Faith Rose, Thank you so much for your words. It can feel so lonely going through this. It feels like no one knows what I'm going through. I really don't want anyone to know how this feels, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I just can't seem to get over my anger that I'm hurting again. I feel like there is constantly a rock in my chest. He's always very willing to talk to me openly about my feelings and we've even had some really good conversations about his feelings. I'm very nervous this week because in a week I will be traveling in Europe for 10 days with my youngest daughter. I lead student trips, and we have been looking forward to this trip for 2 years. I feel like this experience is now tainted for me by his actions. I have to worry about what he is doing, and what I may never find out about him doing. I really hate the word unfair, but I do feel like this is all very unfair to me. I wish that he could understand how many people his actions truly affect.
Unknown-we've have had some separate trips recently as well and I was very nervous about them for the same reasons you are. We handled it by being in frequent contact throughout. My husband was swearing that he would not do anything to jeopardize the (little) progress we have made toward reconciliation. During one of the trips, when he was away, I had texted him one evening and he didn't respond. So I texted again and again and tried calling several times. No answer. I freaked. I was absolutely devastated because I thought he had turned off his phone and gone out after telling me he was staying in his room for the whole night. His explanation was that it was on silent and he didn't think to check for messages. After a huge fight about it, I realized he might have been telling the truth. Still inexcusable that he would be so careless when so much is at stake. Anyway I hope your husband will be more responsible than mine was and make sure he is available to pick up the phone or check for text messages and respond to them ALL the time, as in every few minutes if need be. It's that important. That is how he can begin to get you to trust him again. It's up to him. Enjoy your trip with your daughter. We can still have some good times even when dealing with all the heartbreak. It's important that we do things for us and not allow our CHs to steal all of our joy.
Thank you Faith Rose. I have appreciated your comments over the last year. I too am inclined to stick it out. I do believe my h is trying to do the right thing now, trying to be the good person everyone thought he was. But it's hard. The cheating was so pervasive and so egregious. He was supremely delusional as well. He actually believed that several young undergraduate girls wanted to have sex with him. He is 70. They didn't, of course. They were playing him for the fool that he is in order to get a better grade or other favors from him. They knew all they had to do was string him along with the possibility of sex and he'd do whatever they wanted. This man is a professor at a very expensive private university. It's shocking and nauseating that he would have behaved the way he did. He was having many other more age-appropriate affairs as well. So you can see my struggle. But anyway, like everyone else on here I'm just muddling through, doing the best I can to process all of it and decide what's best for me to do. I'm grateful for this forum.
jmh, your post is simply amazing. I was a university professor in another lifetime. We all knew that sleeping with a student was an ethical breech of power. I hope he is in therapy and being honest about his life choices. My heart goes out to you. Others on this site have figured out how to monitor their husband's whereabouts with phone apps. I'm not that smart and would like to have the written tutorial so I could have that option if I ever wanted to do that but honestly, I've told him that I have absolutely no interest in living with a teenager again. None. If he can't keep his word then I'm done with him and all his promises of faithfulness. We have not been apart overnight since his disclosure. At first it was because I told him I would not be willing to agree to him traveling alone again if that might come up, like he and his high school friends doing their weekend things. I know he found some of his whores when he was away with them. At this point, I've decided that if it comes up again I'll tell him that if he wants to go off with his friends for a guy weekend, we won't have any sexual contact for 6 weeks and only after he has gone back to the doctor for a full STD and HIV test. Seems only fair to me. He seems to not be in the mood to do one of the guy weekends anymore. We shall see. It's been over two years since he went off with them and nobody seems the worse for wear. It came up once early on after disclosure and he told his best friend that we were not in a good spot so his friend said, "You do what you need to do because you are my only friend still married." Telling, right?
It's tough.I was just reading about how we are programmed to react to threats, from prehistoric times when a threat could mean death. However, since we've evolved those reactions don't always serve us well.Something I'm working on is seeing My DH and I as 'us'. This has been a long time coming for me, as my reaction to his behaviour has been to back off. The way he's handle life is to be full on amazing husband, then have fairly regular meltdowns when he is totally unreasonable. We are all vulnerable and need security. Our DH are the same. My DH's addiction started way before he and I did and he recently told his counsellor it was because he was lonely.We are going through a tough time at the moment, DH has a new job, we are in the process of moving to the next village. This is closer to my work and the kids schools, but further from friends, family and church. I've been diagnosed with chronic epilepsy. I did want to move closer to our friends and family, but DH didn't like any of the houses that way.So this is me, still feeling under threat, but choosing to try and be an 'Us'. So I've agreed to a house that in in a location my DH wants, even if it's not meeting everyone else's needs 100%. It's a compromise.My DHs job means travelling upto 3 days a week. I don't track him, I've always thought that is not trusting. The truth is that even as a skilled lier, he's been found out once. He has to live with himself at the end of the day.I have encouraged him, as has MC, to set up accountable relationships and to share an app with them that means he has online accountability with a friend rather than with me.He has set this up with a close friend, who he sees biweekly.
Faith Rose - Good luck with your new home. We are both in a tough situation. Our husbands have issues that go way back. Can I ask, what does DH refer to? I've seen it many times on this site but don't know what it means.Thinking in terms of "us" is a good idea. It's so easy to becomes isolated and alienated from our CHs. I've been trying to make happy new memories, rebuild a sense of"us," but I am really struggling. I know I could have processed and moved on from one affair, especially if it was of a limited duration. But my husbands affairs were so numerous and so lengthy (never ending until caught) that I don't know if I will ever be able to move past this. I wish my husband could recruit an accountability friend but he has few if any male friends. His friends were his affair partners, of which there were many. He told me he thought he was "cool" having female friends. Yeah, very cool, sure. Not sure why they all had to be secret, which is how infidelity grows and thrives, and of course it did. He also said he felt like a celebrity among some of his students, especially the ones who were receptive to his overtures. So delusional. Such a narcissist.
Ha sorry we all have different 'text tslk', DH means Dear Husband.I partly feel grateful that it was clearly an addiction issue rather than a one off emotional affair. Like your situation, the longest I'm aware of was going for 2/3 of our marriage so long standing. He continued to be in contact with others during that time, so there were many. It was meeting a need in him, a part of him he was ashamed of, that he didn't share with me until he was found out after 10 years of marriage.The Richard Rohr quote from Ellie's email was powerful. If we don't transform our pain, we transmit it.That is how I see it with my DH and I. He has obviously been transmitting throughout our marriage. Now I need to allow my pain to be transformed so that I don't become the problem!Hope you can grow in understanding for each other and healing, and get the support you need much love x
Faith Rose - I've been off this site for a while - just now getting back on. You make a very good point about the small mercy of it being an addiction issue. I do think it was an addiction issue in my husband's case. Not necessarily to sex - though there was a sexual component in all of his affairs - but more to adoration and the excitement of new and forbidden romance. Most of his affairs have lasted 3 or 4 decades and at least a few seem never to have ended up in sex. It's bizarre. One affair of 40 years resulted in the breakup of his first marriage way back when and now the destruction of my marriage as well. My thinking was that she must be the one true love of his life but then I realized that he was actually cheating on her, too, with all of the others. He claims to love me and only me now but I don't think he is capable of love for anyone other than himself. He is a classic narcissist and probably a sociopath too. It's been 17 months since discovery day and new revelations about old affairs keep coming out whenever I remember odd event from the past and ask about it. I know I should stop asking but it still bothers me that I will never know the full extent of his cheating. Trust and respect are long gone. I still have some feelings of love toward him and it is nice to be on the receiving end of his attempts to atone, but it never feels like enough. The betrayal as so complete, so relentless, that I don't think I can ever move past it. He is still in individual therapy but marriage counseling was pointless because he could never get to the point of rebuilding trust by honestly addressing his problems. His therapist seems to think that since he is remorseful, all is well. No attempt to get at what is really wrong with someone who could lie and cheat every day of his adult life while pretending to be the swellest, greatest guy you'd ever want to meet.
I really relate to what you said about him being remorseful and yet not seeing the need for rebuilding. My DH is struggling in a similar way. I too will never know the full extent of his betrayal. My DH's work has meant he's been away a lot recently and today I had a thought that he could be having an affair. In the past I've not let myself think about that as it is a bit of a rabbit hole. This time was no different, except I thought how he will never know that reasonable doubt the way I do. What has helped me is that our marriage counselling showed up the control DH had over me. Eventually I was able to say that I had had enough and couldn't take any more.MC enabled me to get freedom and empowered me to create the space I needed.I know that for us we do want the end goal to be us together. However, I want it to be on mutually agreed terms, and for good motives. I don't want to be with him because I don't know how to be outside of him. And I don't want his reasons to be pride or his image.I have made some big decisions recently that have been a step in the right direction for us.DH hasn't always liked them, but he knows if he wants us to work, there are things that have to happen.I was reminded of the analogy of the oxygen mask on the plane. The parent has to put the oxygen mask on themselves before they put it on their child.I think I too often forget to do what I need to do for me. This is something I'm trying to do. Take responsiblity for me.I hope you can get some space to make good choices for you and your future.
Beach Girl-Yes, the story is quite amazing.I never dreamed he would breach professional ethics the way he did.At least 4 of his many affairs were with students-2 grad students and 2 undergrad. The most recent one-with an undergrad-occurred just 2 yrs ago. He had gotten a Fulbright fellowship to teach and do research in Krakow.He targeted and groomed one of his students there in order to try to have sex with her. She was manipulative enough to string him along, keeping the possibility open for about a year, long past when we came back to the US. Through private messaging, she was flattering him in the most ridiculous over the top fashion and he was eating it up, promising that they'd get back together in Poland or Greece or the US some day. She had her own agenda, a list of favors she wanted from him. She of course received one of the top grades in the class despite being a dimwit, if her writing skills are any indication.I believe he chose to apply for the Fulbright in Poland for the express purpose of trying to have sex with a young girl-something he never could have gotten away with at his university in the US. I refer to him as Professor Sleazy now. I still can't believe that he would use a prestigious award for such trashy, base activities. That was hardly the first or the last of his sleazy affairs.Even if you eliminate the affairs with students, there are many more affairs to discuss, all stemming from his "impressive" job as a professor. He has been using his position to manipulate women and young girls his whole career.This is a very sick man who had everyone fooled.He has even conned his (female) therapist-she wrote this week that one of the goals for therapy going forward is more empathetic listening so he can talk about and be comforted for all the ways that he feels insecure. I honestly could throw up when I think about our situation.
I am not sure if I told my story. D-Day was 02/02/16... I knew before but nothing was ever confirmed until the OW was pregnant. The affair started 07/14 & they moved in together 09/14. For 2 years he was promising we were working things out, lying to our therapist, but refusing to give his address. He lied to the OW 3 different times - even provided faked divorce papers. He moved home. He moved out. I found him with her again & told him he could have visitation but my kids weren't going to be exposed to her (she was almost family before the affair). He came home (04/16). Had her believing I was lying about still being married; he continued to see her while living at home, sleeping our bed. 2 days after my birthday last year he filed for divorce, finally - & didn't tell me. I found out from a lawyer solicitating MY business to defend me. Husband claimed he hadn't served me yet because he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce. I begged him to serve me if he was still with her. Instead he cancelled it. 2 days later I found him at her house, she was pregnant again, he swears it wasn't his – she aborted (10/16).We have 3 school age kids, 1 with autism. We've dragged this out because of them. On my part I seen how they were when we were apart - my son had serious issues. He has even said he is here for the kids, or that at least he originally returned home for the kids. It still seems like that is the only reason he is here. A few months ago he said this wasn't working, he was going to move out, it wasn't going to be with her (bullshit right?). I told him he knew where the door was & I wasn't going to beg him to stay. It felt empowering. It felt like this is the make or break point. I felt free & I didn't need to keep trying. Then he stopped coming home at reasonable times. Instead after his shifts; it was 4-8am.He used to bring me roses & sweet cards & write me cute messages. There is none of that now, only an exchange of information about the house, bills, & kids. We say 'I love you'. He's taken complete control of the finances & I have to ask for money for things. Its kind of degrading. I make my own money by crocheting stuffed animals, but it isn't much. Our anniversary cards are humor, not loving. The roses I get are from the kids not him. No gratefulness I am still here.I am still not even sure they are done. He supposedly works all these long hours (6-7 days a week from 10am-2am as a bartender) but we face shut offs & evictions. He goes out once a week to hang out with a male friend of his supposedly. I just chalk it up to him being with her. I don't go out, I have no one to be with the kids (not even him). The last time I had a girls night out was maybe almost a year ago. Yet, weekly, he feels that it is his right to go out on his only night off. I have considered going over to her house like I have done in the past to catch him, but part of me doesn't -want- to know & part of me just hates him for it & then would hate myself. So I keep it in line because I shouldn't feel the need to do that. II try to just not care & maybe I did get to that point. I feel pathetic for staying with him & I feel like I am seriously missing out the way that people who love each other just interact. It isn't there. There is no h& holding. There is not intimacy. Kisses are short, almost pecks, its all just autopilot.I don't feel like I lovingly adore him anymore. I see him but I resent him. I have forgiven him but I am still wounded. He tells me it is my wound to heal, not his. He feels that me having his phone on GPS or even looking at it without permission is invading his privacy & that I am treating him like a child. This isn't a marriage, this is a jail. We don't fight. Yet, I don't want him here. I can't survive financially on my own right now.
Anonymous August 19, I do not recall hearing your story before. I am so angry for you. It is hard enough to try and repair a marriage when the H is willing to do the work. I can't imaging how hard it is when H won't do the work of introspection, MC, etc. I hope you are able to get IC and get good info from an attorney (they usually do 1 free consult) to learn your rights and what your financial situation would be should you separate or divorce. I am rooting for you to put your healing first and be clear with H on your boundries!
Browneyedgirl,He totally blew off my birthday in so many ways. I was basically handed $20 and told to get myself whatever I wanted. This marriage is never going to be the same and soon the kids will be starting school. I am going to look for a part time job hopefully while they are in school. The issue is when they aren't, I can't afford child care and I have no family or friends willing/able to help.So many days I want to just change the locks on the house... then I remember, he doesn't even have a key for it and I don't need to. So I just lock up the house and go to bed on these long nights. But I feel that part of me is dying even more than what was already destroyed through this whole event.
Ugg. Tell my story.....I am 47 - been married for 24 years. My husband is pilot. I had inklings all along that things were going on - gut feelings that I never could put my finger on - and he would gaslight me and make me think I was crazy. There were girls here and there - looking back it is so dumb that I stayed with him after the first couple. In the beginning - it was before fast internet and phones and all the ways we can check now - but D-Day for me was the biggest of them all. He would go and drink with a neighbor up the street - he came home really drunk one night and passed out. I looked on his phone and found a video of him fucking an escort. If this wasn't bad enough - the fight from this let the cat out of the bag - he proceeded to refuse to take an STD test and started spewing to me that he had sex with so many other women, just kept naming city after city after city where he fucked on me. This was in 2011. I have been in hell for so long. I later found a list he made of all the women he slept with - very detailed. Who does that? Anyway - since then, roller coaster - fights, screaming - drinking, yelling, smashing things.....you get the idea. I was emotionally and psychologically abused, ridiculed, put down - gas lighted, beaten down to no shape of my former self. So that is why I stayed. And - for the past - probably 5 years I had anemia which I was diagnosed with last November. All OK now - but not with it for a long time. He basically did whatever he wanted and I was so tired and confused I didn't even really care. Fast forward to today - Toxic. I wanted to leave him in March, he went through why we were in such a bad place - tried to figure it out....hmmmmm, I wonder. He went through our history and a bunch of bullshit. Only a blip of, "I was miserable because I felt like a failure and my job offered me the opportunity to "escape" - meaning stick his dick in any woman he wanted. Just fighting and the same old crap since then - and he still cheats on me - but comes home and wants to watch tv and have sex. I found out the latest from his instagram - and hers - after a knock down fight that usually happens when he's been with another woman - picks a fight and tells me everything that is wrong with me. I have had it. I can't do this any more. He is gone a lot for his job - he comes to see the kids - I have not looked at him, slept with him in the same room or touched him since December 5. It is over. We have been fighting via Text while he has been gone. He mentioned he wanted to go to counseling.....I am a regular on Network 54 Healing Heart and they advised me that he should go to counseling - I should start up counseling again - and then go to counseling together to figure out how best to end things. That is where I am at now. I am also looking for a lawyer - he wanted to work things out between us and not involve lawyers - but nothing is getting worked out - I need to know my rights and just get something going. I am devastated by the last woman - I don't know why. Just seeing her pictures and knowing they were together - That he just jumps into bed with her - like I don't even exist. At least have the courtesy to let me know - or divorce me first! There is so much more to it. So many dark days and heartache - I have to get out for my health and my kids. They have been through too much bad stuff with us. To this day my husband makes the excuse that I hated him, that I wanted him gone, and that is why he fucks other women now. I keep telling him that he reason I turned hateful and cold was because he was with other women. He doesn't ever get that - I really hope he goes to counseling and gets some serious help. Just thought I would share. I am very sad, depressed and a wreck right now - just trying to figure out what to do and being on edge all the time. This site helps a lot and I thank you. Ann
Ann,I am so sorry for everything you've gone through. But you know what? I'm so hopeful for you because you've made the choice to respect yourself and to protect your children. And that is fantastic news. You did NOTHING to deserve the treatment you've received. And it sounds like you realize that now. He will throw a zillion reasons at your why you deserved it. NONE of it is true. Not a word. He hates himself and you have become the lightning rod for everything that's wrong in his life. Your job is to build yourself back up, to remember why you are loveable and worthy and enough. And while you're doing that, your children are watching you so that they can learn that they are lovable and worthy and enough. So that they have permission to NEVER let someone treat them like their father treated their mother. This is the beginning of a new life for you. A better life in which you do not have to tolerate abuse.While I think counselling is a great idea for you, don't put yourself in any position where you are trying to get him to do anything. Just focus on what you can control, which is you. Get a good lawyer so that you get what you're entitled to and hopefully get this over with as soon as possible. You are way past due your right to get out of this abuse and move on. But...counselling. You need a trusted, compassionate counsellor who will guide you toward healing, perhaps someone who can help you with PTSD. That feeling of being "on edge" all the time? You don't need to live like that anymore.
And one more thing, Ann. I hope you'll get counselling for your kids too. Living in a house with abuse can have such an effect on them. They need an objective counsellor who can give them a safe place to share their own fears and their own pain. This man has cast a large shadow but it's time to move out from it.
Thanks for the reply Elle. It is so nice to have people who understand and give advice. I painted a really bad picture of my husband - I really hate him at this point - But - he does have good qualities, he's a good dad and cares about his kids, He is very smart, charismatic and funny. But overall - yeah it's been a nightmare. I am just so sad at this point. I have been thinking of what a waste our life has been. All the fights. We haven't been a couple at all. Never traveled together, there are no pictures of us together. All his fun, crazy, passionate good times were with someone else. If he only got help in the beginning - If we got help - we could have had a great marriage with a lifetime of experiences together. And now that the kids are older, we could have traveled the world. Now he will get to do that anyway - without me. I did find a good IC but stopped seeing him as it caused fights. My husband would say that I would go off on him after seeing him. My IC was in the military and I think he was really helping me - I went only 3 times. I will keep going for sure. And the kids - that is a great idea as well. I don't know if they will do it. They are older now - 21, 18, 16, and our little one is 9.Thanks Again!!!Ann
Anonymous-Your situation is so difficult. Our husbands clearly have similar issues and their behavior is equally atrocious. My h is in therapy and the therapist says this was "neurotic" behavior and that he was in control of his actions throughout. I guess I hoped to find out that he somehow couldn't help himself-that was my fantasy anyway. But no, basically he's just a garden variety asshole and (I believe) a sociopath to boot. I know my marriage is over 1.5 years since discovery day but it is hard to walk away. We've been together 36 years even though he was unfaithful the entire time (quite literally-there was never a single day since we met that he wasn't secretly involved with at least two and usually many more other women.) It's good that you are going to talk to a lawyer. I've done that too. It's empowering. I'm hoping to move to my own place very soon. It won't be easy starting over but the infidelity was far too much ever to get past. He claims to be remorseful now but it is way too little and way too late. Good luck with everything. Let us all know how you make out. It is a journey, filled with some ups and lots of downs. We're here for you.
Jmh,I am sorry for your situation too. It is so hard when it’s not just one affair-when it’s going on all the time! It’s crazy to think what we have put up with. I see a laywer next week and I will get all the info. I can! I cannot live like this anymore and he needs to hit rock bottom before he’ll get help-and I do hope he does. Good luck and let me know how things are going!
OK. I found a good Law Office I think! I have a meeting scheduled for next Friday - January 26th!!! I feel really good and that I have some power just making the appointment. Progress!!
That's great Ann. It is empowering to take control of what you CAN control. As for your kids, offer it to them. It might feel "weird" (though they'd no doubt be surprised how many kids are in counselling for a wide variety of reasons). But to just acknowledge that they've gone through a lot and that they didn't deserve any of it and that it can really help to have a safe space to process it all so that they learn what a healthy relationship looks like. If they say 'no', at least you've opened that door for them.Keep us posted. I wouldn't be surprised, frankly, if you're husband is jolted awake by the change in you.
That said, that's not the reason to take these steps. Focus on you and your healing and what you need. If he's willing to do the INCREDIBLY hard work of mending those fences, then that's something to consider down the road.
Hi ladies...I've been looking at this site for a few months & figured it was time to post. My D-Day was October 23, 2016. Some days are good, some are even great, but there are also moments that are absolutely awful! We have been together for 20 years, married for 17, have 2 amazing children, and on D-Day I found out he had slept with 4 women in the 10 years of being a Police Officer, 2 right away after we moved to our tiny town, 1 in the middle, and 1 that was a year long sexual affair that ended the day before I found out. He has always been a flirt but I thought he was so loyal, boy was I dumb. The last affair was pretty serious, lots of talk of him leaving me, leaving our kids, and she manipulated him, threatened him if he tried to end it, but he finally had enough & knew he had to stop. He ended it with her but she's the one who told me. The week prior to my finding out he was distant, we were fighting, which we never did, but I still didn't suspect. I was in the car with my in-laws and our son, on the way home from visiting our daughter in college, and I received a message thru Facebook from the OW. She attached 32 screen shots from their time together (text messages, selfies he had sent her, dick pics), along with a 3 page confessional of their affair. I was shocked & devestated, but held my shit together as I was in the car with our son. The next month was a whirlwind, I found out about the other 3 women and he began trying to repair the damage he had done. I held it together & didn't want to do anything rash for the sake of our kids. I thought he was genuinely invested in making amends. The day after Thanksgiving he came home from work, couldn't sleep (he works nights) and told me he missed her, that he had been talking to her for the past few days and he just couldn't handle the stress of our fighting . He left, went to a friend's who knew about the affair, she showed up, they fought, and that night he called me crying & begging to give him another chance. That was 16 months ago. I believe he is trying. I believe he wants this to work, but I also am scared of it happening again. There is no Crystal ball. We did individual counseling (I went much more than he did) and had 1 session together, but none in about 9 months. I have lots of triggers. We live in a small town, people know (some of my co-workers knew for months before I found out), he still works nights, still has crazy off days with lots of down time to himself, it's just very hard to be 100% trusting and sure. The OW continues to post shit on Facebook about me, most recently that she'd feel sorry for me if I wasn't such a bitch, that she could never be with someone who didn't really love her, and that when our son graduates in 2 years he will be gone. I have her blocked on Facebook but others tell me what she says. I know I should not let it get to me. We have made progress, but I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to worry about whether or not he has a secret cell phone again, if he's staying at home on his days off, if he's driving by her house (or another womans) when he is patrolling at night. It's just so overwhelming. She is now renting a home in our tiny town across the street from my classroom, I can literally see her house from my window. One of the other gals he slept with early on is our school liaison officer, so I get to see her a few times a week, which rocks too. And I have the son of one of the other gals in my class, he was just an infant when my husband slept with his mom, but it still hurts to see him every day. These triggers are killing Me! How can I forgive what keeps getting thrown in my face???I am trying to forgive but also keep the possibility in the back of my mind that he may leave, that he may cheat again, and I do feel stronger, and I do have a good support system if it happens again, and I do believe I would leave him. I can not let him betray me again,I won't. But how do I trust???
Anonymous,You've got so much to deal with -- and you're doing it with such grace and integrity. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.I know it sounds extreme but can you move? Seems as though everywhere you look there's a reminder...which is going to make it even harder than it already is to move past. At the very least, I suspect if you felt that your husband was working a bit harder, you might find some of the other stuff easier to deal with. You mentioned that you attended therapy more often than he did. Is there a reason why? Did he attend individual therapy at all? It's crucial, in terms of rebuilding trust, that you feel as though he understands why he made the choices he did...and how he will deal with temptation in the future. Has he done any of that?As for triggers, you must have a mind of steel to be able to handle that on a daily basis. Are you clear on what you need to feel safe in your marriage again? Or what you need to feel safe in your community again. You of course, can't control these other women but are there things you can change that would help you? Anonymous, again, I am so sorry for everything your'e going through. But let's see if, with the help of the other incredible women on this site, we can help you through it.
I am not sure why my replies are not showing up, hopefully the 3rd time is the charm! Thank you so much for your reply and your thoughts Elle, I really appreciate It!You asked about counseling & why he didn't go much, his answer would simply be that there is no need to. He is cured. I disagree but can't continue to beg him. When I ask him how he knows he'll never cheat again he says, "I just know. It's out in the open, you know now what I did and I now know the pain it caused, so that's how I know it'll never happen again." Seems logical I suppose but I still want more. I think he's gotten off easy, and while I know this isn't about punishing him or being even Steven, I still wish I could just move on & not ever think of it again. Wouldn't that be amazing?!As for moving... our son (our youngest child, daughter is 19 & away at college) will graduate in 2 years. This has been very difficult on him & I feel it best for him to finish school here. I really do not want to see these ladies anymore, to drive by one of their homes where nasty things took place, or worry that when he's patrolling overnight for work he will get sent to them for a call. It's very hard. Some days are great and some days still suck. I wish that after 16 months from D-Day things would be better. I wish the trust magically reappeared and the bad thoughts would disappear.Thank you again for your time ��
Anonymous,I really admire your ability to put your son's desire to finish school and for you to give him that stability. That takes a ton of strength on your part. I hope too that your husband realizes what a powerhouse you are.As for being "cured", are you able to push back a bit on that? Are you able to tell him that you still don't feel emotionally safe? That you need to see more from him? There aren't too many therapists who would buy the "I just won't" response. Most would insist on some sort of plan or acknowledgement when temptation occurs, which it likely will. What does he plan to do about being invited to after-dinner drinks with a new female work colleague? Etc. Do you have boundaries in place about what is/is not acceptable? Do you have access to his social media? Or e-mail? Or whatever else you feel you might need? This isn't about creating a police state, it's about creating the conditions in which you begin to feel safe -- that he has nothing to hide and understands that he needs to come to you with any concerns or slips. I'm glad that some days are great. That's amazing for 16 months out. I was still curled in a ball some days at that point.
Thank you Elle for taking the time to respond.Yeah, it's hard to believe after only 3 counseling sessions he is cured, and that his therapist agrees. We did 1 counseling session together with her and she told me she felt he was remorseful & that since things were now out in the open & I was aware of his double life, that it will prevent him from straying again. I just don't buy it I feel he needs to put in more work, figure out why he cheated, why it came so easily to him, and what he'll do to prevent those temptations in the future. 3 of the women were co-workers who he still has exposure to but does not text or go out of his way to communicate with any longer, so that's good. The other woman, the most severe of the affairs, was one he met on a call for work regarding her daughter and then would see at the bar (she'd call him to remove unruly drunks when she was bartending) and their relationship blossomed. It's hard as he still works overnights, still has lots of time alone, still has off days that are typically during the week so he's home alone with lots of time on his hands, makes it very difficult to feel secure. He no longer has a Snapchat account which was how he communicated with most of the women, and he returned the secret cell phone she had given him. He does leave his cell phone out for me to look thru if I want, but honestly, it's so easy to delete stuff. He has a computer in his squad at work too, there's still plenty of ways for him to hide things. It's hard I think as when he decided he was done being that guy he just continued on with life, never skipping a beat, and I feel like I'm the one doing all the work. He's never poured his heart out to me, everything I know about his infidelity is either from what they told me or my own research, which he'll still deny or have no comment on. He often says he doesn't remember, that it's over so it doesn't matter anymore. I wish it was that easy. We have talked of moving when our son graduates, I'm glad he's receptive to that. It would be hard to think of starting over but I do think getting away from the bad memories & the triggers would be huge for me. I don't want to see these women, it would be awesome to go a week or more without being reminded of what happened!As always, thanks for listening, as you know sometimes it really helps to talk about it.Anonymous, aka Amy
Amy,Are you two able to talk openly and deeply about how he was rationalizing what happened? Would couples counselling perhaps provide a safe space where you two could talk about this? I needed to know that this was something my husband thought deeply about and that he understood could happen again if he wasn't vigilant. I needed to know that HE knew what a slippery slope it was and that he was vulnerable to it in a way that, perhaps, others were not. And HE needed to know that, because of what he'd done, I felt less safe than I would have if he had never cheated. And because I felt less safe, I needed more evidence that he took the second chance I was giving him very seriously and was aware that I could change my mind at any moment, or at the slightest evidence of a wrong move on his part. Not to keep him constantly afraid but to keep him consistently aware of his own behaviour and how it could be perceived.I would urge you to tell him, when you're feeling calm, that you do feel as though you've done the bulk of the heavy lifting in this. That you're not convinced that he really does recognize how frightening it is to you that he was able to lie to you so easily and so frequently. There's something deeper there that allows someone to lie easily -- and it's not something that gets "cured" in three sessions. Does the lying cross into other things (ie. reasons why he's late for something, or lying to others to get out of social engagements he doesn't want, etc.)? In other words, I'm with you. I think you have every right to ask for more from him and, frankly, given what he's asking of you, I can't imagine that he could begrudge you that. I'm encourage you both to do some couples counselling where you can air your concerns with someone less inclined to allow him to brush them off with news of his "cure".
Hi Elle,I will check and see if getting a different therapist is an option. We were seeing our counselors thru the EAP program at his work, so I'm not sure how that all works. Since he feels cured he thought we could use his remaining 4 sessions as a couple. I wasn't impressed by his counselor, mainly since she seems to agree that he's done with that nasty stuff forever. My husband and I are not able to talk about it at all, ever. I talk, he just listens, or at least I think he's listening. He won't look at me & at most may reply with an, "I don't know," or, "I forgot." So we really get no where.Yesterday while at a store in town I saw a few of my former students, was nice to catch up with them, but then after I turned around to talk to cashier I overhear one of the kids saying to the others, "You guys know that her husband had an affair with S, right?" And they all looked at me. I was so humiliated. This kid is "friends" with the OW, had his Facebook profile pic of the two of them together, weird that a 32 year old woman is hanging out with 16 year olds, gross . I did not acknowledge their stares or act as tho I even heard what they said. I later text my husband that I had a bad day and he asked why so I told him what happened. He replied, "That sucks, I'm sorry that happened." I guess that was a decent response altho I wish he'd say more, like I'm sorry I threw our marriage away, I'm sorry I slept with 4 other women & never stopped to think it might hurt you, I'm sorry for... there's really so many things for him to be sorry for. I just feel like he always takes the easy road out. But I know I should be grateful he at least responded to my pain. It's hard, you just wish it would all go away, that you'd wake up from the nightmare and it wasn't real. It's very hard when you know this is how it's always going to be. Shitty, shitty, shitty. ��
Oh Amy,I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is horrible. But the shame isn't yours. You're proximate to the offence, of course. But the shame is your husband's and this OW. You continue to hold your head high. You did nothing wrong.Anyone who is "cured" is capable of being able to discuss the impact of his behaviour on his wife without retreating into shame. I hope you will do couples counselling and I hope you'll tell the counsellor, in front of your husband, exactly what you've said here. That you're desperate to be able to talk to your husband about this and have him truly present to you, that you're desperate for him to be able to fully and consistently take responsibility for what he did. A lot of these guys are so busy feeling shame, and assuming that they have to pay penance for the rest of their lives, that they avoid ANY discussion of what happened. And though it seems counter-intuitive, the MORE they talk about it now as you're healing, the LESS it will cast a shadow over your marriage. Any good counsellor knows this. What we resist, persists. Hang in there, Amy. I think your feelings around this are completely valid and not the least surprising. Fight for what you need. Fight for your right to be heard.(And yes, your husband's response was pretty decent, so we'll give him that. ;) )