The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I would love to hear from others like myself who at one time forgave an affair, mine 7 years previous, and am now in the process yet again. We never went to counseling the first time and have been doing that and much work to make our family stick together this time around. It has been 14 months so far and what a struggle it has been, but we continue to move forward. I am not sure that our love will ever be as strong as it once was. The damage has been done and trust broken. Would love to know I'm not alone. I look forward to hearing you and knowing if anyone made it work after not one, but two affairs. Support on this sight has been a blessing .
I think it's crucial to get counselling after affairs or they often do get swept beneath the rug only to have the same problem emerge years later.The affair is generally a symptom of the problem...not the problem itself. By examining the problem under the cold light of day, it's far less likely it will be repeated.Elle
My H and I did go to counseling. I thought we were doing well, albeit stuck in a rut. He'd had an affair before we married, it was painful, he returned, we did counseling, I acknowledged my complicity in his feelings since I was depressed and felt bad about myself.Well, 11 years later, and he's having multiple encounters with MEN. I am no longer complicit. I have no patience for any excuses, including Sexual Addiction and if he can't get it together, I'm done. He knows this and knows that trust is broken. He claims he will do WHATEVER it takes, so I have the little glass wall up, but can see through it while not letting myself be swept into his nonsense. You really need a counselor. For YOU. And he needs to find out why he puts the most precious thing in his life...you....at risk.
When we were in our thirties, I found out the impossible - my husband had been having an affair with a woman at work for over a year. She broke it off because, as she put it, my H was "not going anywhere" meaning he had no intention of leaving me (she was newly divorced and looking for another husband). After going through the pits of hell, we finally healed together, and twenty some years later, I hardly thought about it - my mindset was "Boy was that a crazy time in our lives - learned our lessons, never have to go through that again, whew!" Then, in February, 2010, I found out he had been having another affair with a woman at work. Over the next year, as the truth trickled slowly, painfully out like Chinese water torture, I learned the affair had lasted ten years, and that he had had another year long affair years ago besides the other one, and that he had had sex with fourteen other women through one to two night stands over our entire relationship - 5 before we were married, and the rest after. So - in short - yes, I've been there! Am there - 3 years later, still digging out yet again. But in the meantime, our marriage has become more authentic than ever. The reason I'm still giving him a chance is that this time he agreed to counseling, felt horrible remorse (not just fake remorse like last time); has finally become reflective,more authentic and honest, and tries to be the man he always wanted to be; i.e. a man of honor and integrity. I believe he is now faithful and has every intention of remaining so for the rest of our days. So I'll take it and the many great times we are experiencing now together. But I will never again be so naive as to think it can't happen again. I, like so many others, have had to temper my fairy-tale fantasies with a hefty dose of realism! I wish you much luck in your healing journey.
I am so happy to see that it's working for you. I hope the same works for me, and I agree I may never be naive again. Kinda miss that naivete, I must add....
Leave him. He has a personality disorder.
I think we need to be careful of "diagnosing" people based on a very tiny snapshot of their behaviour. It isn't helpful…and can, in fact, be harmful to someone trying to keep their head above water. It's certainly possible that he does have a personality disorder…but just as likely that he doesn't. Not everyone who cheats, despite what some propose, has narcissistic personality disorder. I think we have too strong a tendency to pathologize things. Given that between half and three-quarters of marriages experience infidelity, I have a hard time believing there are that many people with personality disorders.Elle
My husband has been sexing dudes for over six years and I never suspected! Sex Addict, yeah, maybe. But, seems to me he's a Selfish Asshole. I've known him since we were 16 years old and we reconnected at 37, and married at 41. Now 52. He's been boinking dudes for more than half of our married life.And we've done lots of reading and therapy and I DO believe he's a Sex Addict of sorts, but DANG! I'd been willing to have a dude in the bedroom and have it a part of our sex life, and STILL he chose to lie and be degraded (his words) for 6 years.I love the ding dong.
Anonymous,Whatever works for you is no business to the rest of us. And it's often not the sex that upsets us the most (though it's certainly part of it) but the lies and deceit.Is he interested in seeking help for his behaviour? Or does he not think it's a problem? Is he bisexual and wants to live as such?You, of course, need to get clear on what you will/won't tolerate. It's possible to love someone while refusing to allow yourself to be disrespected by his behaviour. Elle
My husband had a short affair about 17 years ago. He was out of the country for 3 months and was "lonely". Well, I was lonely too but I didn't go out screw anyone. Took me a LONG (i.e. years)) to get over it. Went to counseling. Counselor actually told me to leave him (there were other issues as well). The main reason I stayed was for my kids. Anyway, the last 6 or 7 years have been good, the last 3 years have been really good. Imagine my shock to find out he's been seeing prostitutes. I found out when he called from jail because he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Of course the first words out of his mouth was "I've never done this before". Yeah, right, you just never got caught before. He finally fessed up that he's done it twice before, but I don't believe him. This time his excuse was "I'm getting old (he's 55) and I want to feel young again." Well, guess what, I feel old too but I don't go out and hire a prostitute. This is going to be a very long rough road. He swears he loves me, cannot imagine his life without me, this is the biggest regret of his life, blah, blah. Our youngest is in high school. If not, I'm not so sure I would still be here. I am absolutely devastated, heart broken, and feel like the biggest fool in the world. I'm not sure if I feel foolish because I stayed the first time, or if it's because I may stay this time.
Anonymous, How incredibly painful it must be to discover that you have to go through this again.You're NOT a fool and beating yourself up doesn't help in any way. You did the best you could with what you knew. Now you know more and you get to make a choice with new information.Regarding whether to stay or go, can you give yourself some time and space to think this through? It sounds as if you're thinking about everyone but yourself. You don't owe him anything and he certainly owes you the chance to determine if you can move past this again. Divorce or separation is never ideal for kids, but at high school age, they can certainly understand that infidelity/deceit is grounds for dismissal, so to speak.I'm not encouraging one choice over another. That's for you to decide. I just want you to be sure you're making the best choice for you.Elle
I still can't understand these men who look for transvestites and cross dressing men and prostitutes and getting a blow job from men( my cheating husband included) when asked they say there not bi not gay.... They love women?! What?! I don't get it. I found stuff on our computer that would make you so sick. What a weirdo. Shock yes!! I don't know this person. It has been going on since before I even met him. Have known him for 12 years..... He won't get counseling for sex addiction. My question is will this inner urge ever go away for him? He says it will. I'm more concerned about this than him ever having a one night stand or being with a women.
I don't think I'll ever understand it either but I'm not wired that way. I had a hard time with my husband's sex addiction and various things he did. He explained it as like a drug addict, needing more and harder drugs as time goes on. The thrill fades so they need greater risk. My husband also said that men ensured that he wouldn't get emotionally involved in any way. It's strictly sex. Unless he gets treatment for sex addiction though the future doesn't hold much promise for you. Like any addiction, unless he's willing to work through what drives him and develop methods to control it, he's likely to slip. If it was a true addiction, then simply white knuckling it might work in the short term but doesn't ultimately get to the root of the behaviour. It's possible he'll replace one addiction for another -- like gambling, for example.In short, he needs help, especially with someone experienced in dealing with sex addiction. With therapy, it's possible for the urge to diminish though it may never "go away". Like an alcoholic who has simply made up their mind they'll never drink again...but still can't take a drink or they know where it could lead.It's not a bad idea for you to also seek treatment in order to better understand what you're up again. Patrick Carnes is the acknowledged expert in the field. His daughter Stefanie wrote a book called Mending a Shattered Heart, which is for partners of sex addicts and is really wonderful. I hope you'll check it out.Elle
Thank you Elle, I will check out the book! As always your response and great advice is so appreciated. You are an inspiration and I am grateful. Thank you
Hi, I am glad that I found this website its good to know that there are alot of women out there that are on thesame boat. heres my story. Its been 5 months since I found out about my husbands affair, the OW was someone that I knew and very young herself with 2 children. I have been marri3d for 7 years and when I found out it broke my heart I confronted the OW and unfortunately beat the crap out of her a month later she moved out of state. I forgave my husband and both agreed on working things out and didnt want to throw away the family that we built. H said that it was a mistake and he dowsnt want to leave me and the kids and he is done with her. 2 weeks ago I found out that she is calling him, they still are in contact through video chat. I confronted her and she wrote me a nasty message telling me that she told my husband not leave me and my marriage is pratically done and they have much bigger things going on. I confronted the H about it bcuz he read the messages and he said it was all BS and he doesnt w as t to be wth her what should I do im tired and fed up with the bs and lying im getting to the point that I want to throw the towel and say the hell with it
Faatau, I'm glad you found us too.For starters, I'm glad you view it as "unfortunate" that you beat up the OW. As much as I think many of them deserve it, violence generally creates more problems. However, it's done.Your husband needs to have absolutely no contact with this woman and, frankly, so do you. Nothing! If she won't stop, see what you can do about getting a restraining order to keep her away from both of you. Your husband needs to start by sending her a No Contact message -- insisting that she stay away from both of you and letting her know you'll take legal steps if she continues to contact either of you. Do NOT engage with her at all. She feeds off the drama of this. Only then can you two begin the process of healing from this. If your husband continues to stay in touch with her behind your back, then he's not committed to your marriage. It's really that simple.I hope you can get this woman out of both of your lives. She sound toxic.Elle
This is awful to say but that's a dream of mine to beat up the other woman. It actually makes me happier when I daydream about it. Hang in there. Fight for how you deserve to be treated. Good luck
I've written before about how one of my favorite fantasies involved imagining the OW naked and caught in my headlights, running in panic as I drove toward her in my car. The thought of her fear and panic, as she ran always made me giggle.Fantasies are fine. They can help us manage the incredible anger and impotence we feel. But let's keep them fantasies. I don't want any of us slapped with assault or attempted murder charges.Elle
Dear Elle,I found out about my husband using porn a couple of years ago, he swore its because he was depressed and out of work. At the time I asked him to reveal anything else, he promised me it had only been happening a couple of months and that he was disgusted with himself and he was glad I found out. A week after that as I was hyper alert I decided to check the computer. At the same time he had started looking up prostitutes, when I confronted him AGAIN, he said that he made a phone call but couldn't go through with it, he just put the phone down.3 months after that all seemed well but I found out he started an affair. He was working by this stage and all seemed well. The type of woman he went with was cheap.He has cried and said he didn't know what he was doing at that time, swears he doesn't have a problem. I do know the affair is over. However, I am left with a huge problem. I know he must have issues to be this way. He swears he's " over it all" but you cannot act in that way and just come out of the woods. I want him to see this blog so he can understand I'm not a paranoid wife, just someone that wants him to get well. Please help.
H'mmm...he's been caught THREE TIMES doing things that he admits aren't appropriate and that disgust him, promises THREE TIMES that it's nothing, it won't happen again, etc. And he thinks you're being paranoid?? Would he let someone try and rob him THREE TIMES. First time was just a few cents, no big deal, second time was a few bucks, nothing to worry about... You are responding rationally to someone who's asking you to trust him even though he's revealed THREE TIMES (have I made my point yet?) that he's not to be trusted.I'm sure he is disgusted with himself. He might even mean it when he says he'll never do it again. But history has revealed that his promises don't hold. History has shown him that either he's lying or he's powerless or, likely, both.It's terrifying for men engaging in this to acknowledge that they have a problem. Like any addict, it's far more comfortable to pretend that it's all under control. It clearly isn't. I think you're completely within your rights at this point to insist that he seek help, either through a 12-step group focussed on porn/sex, or with the help of a therapist, preferably one who specializes in porn/sex issues. Men who seek out porn compulsively generally have issues with intimacy. And porn literally rewires the brain, negatively impacting a man's ability to connect with a real-life woman in a healthy way. I'm not anti-porn, or anti-sex at all. But I've read a ton of stuff about how harmful it is, particularly in large amounts. My husband is a sex addict who watched a ton of porn and he's very clear on how it messed with his head. So...I would make it a condition of reconciliation for him to seek help. This is a matter of your own emotional and physical health. Create clear consequences if he doesn't get help by a certain deadline. He sleeps on the couch, he moves out, or whatever seems appropriate to you AND THAT YOU WILL STICK TO. This isn't about you being a prude or paranoid. It's about you doing what's necessary to ensure the survival of your marriage.Elle
Hi Elle, Update.. Husband wants to get to the bottom of all this for himself and for his family. He has booked his first session with a counsellor. THANK YOU.Shall keep you informed. x
hi. my husband had his first affair almost 20 year ago. it was a quick encounter, he confessed and we went to counseling together. it took years for us to feel like a couple again. we had 2 small kids and that was why i stayed. fast forward 20 years, my kids are now 21 and 20, and i have just found out last week that my husband has again cheated on me. again, with a woman from his work. this time it was more calculated and lasted longer. my husband is 60 years old. i have kicked him out until i can make heads or tails of the situation. he is sad, crying and wanting to come home. i can't do it again. i want to call the other girls husband (i know him and where he works). has anyone ever done that? they have kids together and i feel he should know. i have not told my kids. i am waiting until i can think clearly and make good choices. even at 20/21 my kids feel our home is their 'safety' net and i am sure once i deliver any sort of news like this their world will be shattered. i don't want to do it before exams. and i don't want to cause undue stress on them. so i am alone. i can't talk to anyone for fear it will be leaked out and my kids will know. i haven't eaten in days. i just want a friend who knows how incredibly painful this is.
You have a community of friends here who know exactly how painful it is. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.We also know how exhausting it is taking care of everyone around you, worrying about the impact on their lives...all while trying to make sense of it yourself.You're wise to give yourself time and space to sort through your own feelings around this. It must be excruciating to go through this a second time.My personal opinion is that the other spouse should be told. I think it's simply compassionate to give them the same knowledge you have to allow them to make their own choice about whether to stay or go. When asked, pretty much all of us say we would want someone to tell us. It's also a way to ensure that the affair is brought out right into the open -- makes it much less likely to survive. But if you tell, you must not invite their problems into your choice. You don't want anything more to do with this woman. Tell him...and then back off and let him determine how to proceed. Again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. But you will get through this. Please don't hesitate to share here and gain support from those who've been there.There's also a phone line listed in my latest blog post (When you can't just "get over it") which offers free counselling with women who've been through this.Hang in there.Elle
The truth always sets everyone free, she/ He didnt just cheat himself out of a loving wife, but he also cheated himself/herself out of a relationship with his children. Did it ever occur to you that he/she is not fully present in their lives either, emotionally. The future has been taken away all because he/she needs to go see a doctor and be honest about his/her weakness? Kids are the ones who think its their fault when the parents get a divorce after the second time .. The mother thinks she is doing the right thing the first time by staying and holding the family together. The first time should have been when the truth was told so that the person could really deal with his shame and guilt and sickness...What about the children who are attracted to people like their parents and encounter bad relationships over and over because of what they think is loving and normal..Most kids grow up feeling angry because they had no idea that the parent not valuing the family caused the break up and no one told the child because they didnt want to bring shame or be the bearer of bad news, So the child is usually angry at the spouse that initates the divorce.What the child can learn is so valuble, in the future That child will make a choice to value his/her family above their feelings of if they want to have immediate gratification and if the child sees the train wreck for what it is they will learn how to prevent these type of relationship or they will be sheltered from the truth and think that its normal to expose the whole family to diseases and danger...think about it, its not just about you!! it's part of the moral decline in our society. He/she can always earn trust back by living on his/her own getting help and valuing the people in his life you can't change them, he can manage his own checking account and be single and then you can always get remarried..Its no longer right to leave your home open to violators ie your mate.Your mate is sick letting them go may give them a chance to get help, the plea to stay is just prolonging their healing and your families, The separation and rebuilding "sting" will either save them or they will continue, its up to them...
his first affair was emotional; at work with a visiting colleague... they had chemistry... all about his low self esteem and enjoyed her attention. he downplayed when Ifound out by finding evidence though evedence that she was really hooked.. it finished and we let the subject drop... this was 3 years ago. whizz forward to summer 2012 - he picked up somebody in a bar and began a sexual relationship but I found a breast lump and had surgery to remove the cancer at end of summer when he stopped seeing her. she contacted him mid way through my treatment and they restarted the sexual relationshio.... as I finished my treatment, i found the condoms... i drove him over for us to confront her together and he ended it. i have since written to the first ow and 'returned' the filthy photos of herself at she had mailed to H so i have had the opportunity of some revenge. i wanted more but, now i just can't bear the hurt that he could cheat whilst I was in such a vunerable popsition. We are trying to work it out, he answes all questions but, I found out that he gave me edited versions. i think I now have the full stories with a lot of detail but, it's the isolation and lonliness of this position that I have been put in that really builds up the pressure of the situation - I have nobody to talk to other than him; at last I think I recognise true remorse in him; he can even comment about how he has destroyed me...
It's a familiar refrain… "how could he cheat while I was pregnant/facing cancer/dealing with elderly parents/coping with my father's death/helping our disabled child". It happens often enough that I'm convinced the affair is often BECAUSE of the vulnerability/inavailability of the spouse. That's not the same as saying it's the spouse's fault. It's that a lot of these guys can't cope when we're not totally okay. Suddenly an affair seems like an escape from these horrible feelings they have that they can't solve our problems or get our attention. An affair is often like a little child acting out to get someone's attention.But yes, it's the isolation/loneliness that crippled me too. And it's why I created this. We need to talk to each other. We need constant reminders that we're going to be okay, with or without him. That what we're going through -- the rage, the tears, the numbness, the fear -- is completely normal and won't last forever. Please…talk to us.Elle
I have no body to talk to, I said that to a Jewish friend of mine who lost her family to the holocaust and she replied all I have is God I have no family or friends...I figured if she can make it and not be angry at the people who destroyed her family, and shes not mad at GOD then..Talk with him he may respond.
See Anonymous' note below. We're here. And we'll listen. And we'll remind you that you will get through this.Elle
You do have people to share with though. I'm hear reading your words and sending all good wishes and thoughts to you.
Oh my goodness, I just came across this site today and I'm terrified. I found out about 3 years ago that my H was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. I think more happened between them, but he denies it. We went through intensive counseling that year. Then exactly one year later I find out he had been having several other emotional affairs at work and there were others from years before (I found old emails). To say that I have been an emotional wreck these 3 years is a gross understatement. All I have done is.... "hyper-vigilance as the partner or spouse searches for yet some other betrayal" (Elle's quote of Julie Gottman). He works in a profession that is mainly women so all I think about is..is he still being unfaithful, is he talking to another woman, and if he is I will find out. It is HORRIBLE, I don't have a life, I am consumed by this. And now I read how these men have had yet another affair 10 and 15 years later!! My H really does nothing without me, he says he wants his marriage, he really does try. We have been thru literal hell these 3 years; all I have done is accuse him of cheating on me and he is still there...we have no small children, no huge property or financial issues to hold him back, yet he is still there...but I just can't shake the feeling that he needs and craves all this attention from other women. I'm only 41, do I really want to sit around and wait for another one to happen?!?!?
You say you've been dealing with this for three years? That's far too long to be hanging on my your fingernails. You need to wrestle this monster to the ground.What has each of you done to deal with what happened? Each of you needs a grasp of what he was seeking with these affairs. Him…so that he can understand that he's looking outside his marriage (or outside himself) for something that he should be looking for inward. And you, so that you can trust that he's made fundamental changes in himself to ensure he doesn't seek outside the marriage something he should be seeking from you or from himself.Until then, each of you is likely white-knuckling it, which simply can't hold forever. Not without making each of you miserable. What does he say? Does he acknowledge the pain he's caused you? Is he someone who craves exterior validation of himself? Do these women feed some hole in him around his worth? If you haven't sought counselling, why not? It sounds as if both of you have unaddressed issues and your marriage is bringing those issues out. You don't want to sit around and wait for "another one to happen." So take charge, figure out what each of you wants from the marriage and find someone who can help you create that.Elle
Hi Elle, I posted on this page before and you suggested my husband saw a counsellor or 12 step programme regarding sex addiction. Said I would post an update.My husband has been completely understanding and eager to further explore the situation which he has now done. The Counsellor does not see it as sex addiction but as being emotionally needy and this stems from his upbringing and wanting to feel needed.I am at a complete loss, I feel now that the counsellor has backed him up and that I seem to keep bringing up problems which aren't there. She has said what an amazingly strong woman I am and that he needs to always put his family in the forefront of his mind on any decisions and that he did make bad choices but he was depressed and the behaviour was only consistent for that 18 months, albeit 3 lies but she feels it is part of one and the same thing!This is an accredited counsellor specialising in this behaviour and relationships. For some reason I thought she might have thought that this behaviour was indeed addictive. Ideas please.
I'm certainly no expert…and I would hope that she's not minimizing what he's done. Just because she doesn't feel it's an addiction (that's good news! It means it's easier for him to control) doesn't mean that it hasn't caused enormous harm within your marriage -- harm that he needs to be accountable for. If he's feeding some sort of deep emotional need by seeking sex outside the marriage, what does she suggest he do about that, beyond NOT going outside the marriage? In other words, how does he address the emotional wound in a healthy way? Does he have any thoughts on that?I understand your desire to be able to blame his behaviour on an addiction. It can seem like a "solution" to the problem of a spouse's infidelity. Get treated and problem solved. It's rarely that simple.And regardless of the reason why a spouse steps out of the marriage, the damage is extreme. Try and view the counsellor's prognosis as good news but that nonetheless means that he's got work to do. Kinda like finding out you don't have cancer…but you do have heart disease.And yes, you are an amazingly strong woman. You'll get through this, moreso if your husband continues to want to seek answers to ensure he doesn't make such a painful choice again.Elle
Hello. I just recently found this page. I found out 11 months ago that my husband had a 8 month affair with a secretary at work. He ended it and we began counseling. Things were starting to heal and we found out that we were pregnant with out second child. I was so excited. 2 weeks before my due date my husband confessed to me that he had had another affair and she was now pregnant. Not only that but 6 out of the 8 years we were married he had multiple one night stands with about 12 different women. I am completely shattered. I have no idea what to do. I want my family but I can only take so much. He has started counseling and has accountability partners. I see change in him but I wonder if its too late.
I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. Your situation is something like mine -- my husband had one-night stands pretty much throughout our marriage (and even before it). Like you, I was shattered. I couldn't believe this was my life.That was six years ago and I'm now able to look back and see that time as something like a wild storm that blew through…and then we rebuilt from the wreckage, selecting what we wanted to keep and what we wanted to put behind us.Regarding whether it's too late, that's a question only you can answer. Sometimes the damage is simply too much and you're unable or unwilling to move past it and rebuild the marriage. That's absolutely an okay choice. There is no right or wrong with this. I just urge every woman to ensure that whether she stays or goes, it's because she's completely clear on her options and is able to decide what's best for her. Consider what you want your future to look like. Is he in it? Or not? Your call.Elle
ruuuun and don't look back...Its just for right now..stop settling for this in america its effecting the future generations. its etched in the memory pattern of his brain he will have to overcome the feeling at some point again..
Read yr posts. I found out in 2011 that my husband had had 2 maybe 3 mistress and girlfriends over 33 years of marriage. Mistress with children and he adopted them in the will/trust, which I finally read the whole thing. I know that makes me sound pretty dumb. I found bank statements to banks I knew I wasn't involved in and old credit card statements that someone always charged to home building things. We were never redecorating our house but someone was. Life insurance policies and annuitities with our name on them but I was never there to sign these papers. Still he claims theres nothing going on and makes fun of me. We're separated and still I look for evidence of him cheating and find it. Stuff charged in PA. and then stuff coming to our house from around that area, seems too true to not be. I asked my daughter once, she still lives there when her Father comes home, I knew I shouldn't have but I did b/c that night I stayed there and he still wasn't home at 7:30 p.m. and she said Dad comes home when he wants. I just want real evidence but he is so clever at this and has been for years. I just want my suspicions or my reality or fears to be resolved and him face that what he's done has been his fault if he never came to me to try and work out our differences but took the easy route even though it wasn't of having affairs. I just feel he's put all this in my lap and skirted off to have another affair and left me with the baggage of why and what was wrong with our marriage and me and he says he just wants to live. I guess he said this b/c I have depression/anxiety and he said I can't fix you. I heard some guys even one of my counselors say he's been good to you how long have you been sick? She said guys won't stay with sick women. I thought she was kidding. I guess not-he wants to live. Didn't he live for 30 years in our marriage? How much living is he entitled to? He worked 3 jobs and only now I realized it was all for them, to give them what he wanted to give them. I was never a shrewd or kept sex from him or argued with him, but he controlled everything and now he is still in control b/c I don't work b/c of my sickness. My heart has been broke and I'm still trying to make sense of what seemed our happy years even though there was anger and lonliness there, no emotional connection. He's betrayed me and our children and he thinks I'm being unreasonable b/c I didn't want a separate checking account. Yea and what if you don't put money in it, then I'm really stupid for believing you. How can a man who someone lived with for 30 years be so cruel in the end after I gave him 30 years of the best of my life, he even said so, and still turn on me and say it's b/c i;ll never change and b/c I won't let go of my anger and bitterness. Well yea, especially when you say it's all my fault and I'm making all this up and he won't talk about any of the evidence I found or say or get angry and say he wrote all those checks with different handwriting on it. Come on I'm not that stupid. He had all through the years had things sent to other postal places and I trust him so much I never asked where his paystub was or the checks we wrote b/c all the bills were paid. Now I'm in this little crappy apartment and he has the house, the kids, his reputation still. I've never learned how to fight for anything or stand up for myself and now that I have to my heart just breaks to think of the stink it might cause but sometimes I'm so mad that I want to hurt him so bad for his sexual addiction or his cruelty, it seems so unfair what he's done but I keep obsessing over him but I don't want him to know. I'm 57, how am I going to go on. I don't get it, he dresses sloppy and he's not that good looking but it seems he's had no trouble finding women to keep him company