The thing is, I can't bring myself to go back and read them. It feels like trying to go back to sleep after a nightmare. I just don't want to close my eyes and face those frightening images again.
Or face those pages on which my pain is written so clearly.
I've suggested often on this blog that readers keep a journal. And it's advice I stand by.
I've always kept a journal. In fact, I recently pulled out my journal from grade 8, in order to read a passage or two to a grade eight class I was visiting to talk about writing. It had the usual adolescent angst – a vow to "stop letting Allison bug me", the thrilling news that a boy I liked – gasp! – looked at me and his look "lingered"...at least in my imagination, if not reality.
But as I read further, I found a note I had tucked into the book. A note that my mother had written in the midst of psychotic episode. Her alcoholism, combined with a prescription drug addiction led to some pretty wacko times in our family. She spent a number of years in and out of psychiatric hospitals, being misdiagnosed until some exasperated psychiatrist finally told her to get the hell out and go to an AA meeting. She did. And remained sober – and sane – for 25 years until she died in 2007.
That was then. But for me, when I opened that book from 1978 and found that bizarre note, it felt like now. Right this second. I could remember so clearly the anger. The sense of loss. The confusion. Feelings I had so successfully buried.
And feelings that I've quite successfully buried, I fear, again.
The reason I think they're buried rather than "processed" is that I can't bring myself to open my journals from three years ago. I don't want to feel those feelings again. I'm fine. I can function. I can smile and do my job and parent my children and, for the most part, forget that my husband betrayed me in the worst possible way.
Which tells me...it's time to get excavating.
I'm so sad, I'm drowning in it. Double betrayel...My best friend who I confided all my emotions, fears and disappointments to was sleeping w/my husbad, the man who was always angry with me and stopped being my friend. It wasn't until I was in the process of moving out that I realized it was going on. It all made sense, his actions and her words yet I had never felt so confused in learning a 'truth'. 4 years under my nose. I felt so DUMB! I am an attractive, fit woman who men stare at, she was a weathered looking 'raw' type of woman. I can't help to be full of negative emotion when I think of her words when I was distraught, "He's unworthy", "He takes atvantage of your love", "he's defective and does not act like a man who loves you", "I want to see you happy because you deserve so much more". Then to hear his hateful words about me in a recording that confirmed this affair. And her contradicting words telling him I overact, I'm plotting to leave, selfish, etc.... SOOOOOO many fucking LIES for 4 years. Now he's sorry. He was angry over policy with kids and never valued the 'gift' he had. I'm mad 1 minute. sad the next. Forgiving then hateful. Smiling then crying. What hell this is. HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHell indeed. And as we often say on this site, when you're going through hell, keep going.
DeleteYour "best" friend and your husband are, my dear, total assholes. They don't deserve you and likely never did. They are poison. They are damaged. Sadly, they've wrought their damage on you and I'm sure your head is spinning from the deceit and manipulation.
Get thee to a therapist. Find the best therapist you can and begin the process of sorting through all this insanity and finding yourself again. You are strong. You are brave. And though this will be the hardest thing you've ever done, you are tough enough.
Ride the roller coaster of anger, pain, sadness, joy. It won't last forever and it's better to just feel the emotions than fight them.
And then, when you're ready, try and feel compassion for two people so wrapped up themselves and their own inner pain that they were willing to devastate a loyal friend. No matter how much it hurts to be you, I would hate to be them.
I'm currently seeing a doctor, phsychiatrist for all this. It's like post traumatic stress, it's so time consuming. I have more answers than most women because she saved months of his texts. I read them fighting over me(he didn't stop trying to get me home while she tried dilligently to get me away). His excuse for how it began was that he would vent his anger and she would listen. He takes responsibility and sees the same doctor to sort thru his own MANY issues. but I don't think I'm capable of letting it go, nevermind moving back to my home that he allowed her in numerous times! To make matters worse Elle, she lives 2 houses down and has hardly left her house since the shit hit the fan. He assumes she saved so much info to perhaps blackmail him with if I ever went back(and he admits that he would have prob done anything to keep me from finding out). I have no doubt their relationship is done, I also have no doubt that he totally used her. But how and why do I still allow myself to be near him knowing he allowed her to be my friend and confidant for years? It's a friggen nightmare and the 'confliction' in my head is killing me from the inside out. I can forgive, I can't forgive, I love him, I hate him, etc.... HORRIBLE!
ReplyDeleteI have spent months identifying the emotions under my anger & bitterness....The true root of my pain. But that doesn't stop me from doing the 3 steps forward, 2 back dance! I have not committed to forgiving, I can't decide if I'm capable of the work involved because I can't get by the triggers! Years of knowledge from her stored info and years of bad memories. Even the good memories are tainted by the knowledge of the details that went on behind my back that I didn't no at the time. When will answers come to me? Why would I even consider forgiving? Why can't I let go or make a decision? When does it calm or how do I calm the noise in my head from it?????
As you noted, you are experiencing trauma so be gentle with yourself. Your world has been turned completely upside down. Your mind is struggling to make sense of what was perceived as "safe" wasn't. It's hard for our brains to recalibrate with so much conflicting feelings.
DeleteSo please...allow yourself time and space to sort through everything. Trust that the day will come when you feel strong enough to make a choice about your own future.
The three-steps-forward, two-back dance is something we've all done. You might not see the progress yet, but it's there.
As for calming the noise in your head, do you give yourself that time/space each day to simply sit and meditate? Can you journal until you feel emptied of all the swirling thoughts? It won't eliminate the "noise" but it can help muffle it.
I'm found a yoga spot I like. I'm in the gym and started using weight machines 4 weeks ago, it's a way to channel anger....I think I'm Hulkette. I had a bad week when I first responded to this blog...But I'm self employed so I stayed home and wrote her a letter for 2 days straight. It went from viscious to deserving, I gave myself a headache writing it....I have no plan to send it. However perhaps I will post it somewhere and it will serve someone else in a situation like mine. Not only was she my 'friend' but she has a severe personality disorder my doctor helped me see in her behavior pattern. So double betrayel & victim of a bpd....I have been angry at myself for not seeing the signs that were under my nose. It was relieving and awakening to recognize but also made me feel niave and used all the way around. This site has helped me thru the 'dance' . Each time I make it thru those steps, I am more aware so I can totally see what you mean by saying "You might not see the progress yet, but it's there.".... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete