Friday, February 11, 2011

Funny Friday: Another round of "Stupidest Things The Cheater Ever Said"

A radio station in my city is having a Valentine's contest in which it's promoting the most romantic thing your partner/spouse has ever said.
I'm perhaps, the least romantic person on the planet and can't help but giggle at so many of these utterances. I honestly think if someone said these romantic things to me, I would die laughing. My husband has tried, former boyfriends have tried...and I've generally gone into hysterics (though I've tried to disguise my laughter by pretending I'm weeping with joy). Instead my husband I resort to showing affection to each other the way eight-year-old boys do – we hit each other in the arm, we tease each other mercilessly... and we laugh. A lot.
In fact, laughter is undoubtedly part of what gave me seconds of joy when I was at my darkest point. And much of that laughter came courtesy of my husband and the OW, who said such stupid things to me...and allowed me, for a brief period of cruel, un-enlightened time, to laugh, figuratively, in their faces. Felt rather empowering, come to think of it.
So...let's laugh.
I'm bringing back that perennial fave: What's the stupidest thing your partner/spouse/ex/OW said to you in the wake of the affair.
Some I've already heard include, "You'd really like her if you got to know her." And, "Under different circumstances, I think you two could really be friends."
My husband tossed out this little gem, in defence of his honesty: "I've never lied to my clients." Made it clear I should have put my business with him...just not my heart.
So...c'mon ladies. Give us your best, your funniest, your most shockingly stupid comments. And let's have a laugh!

52 comments:

  1. My husband's OW had just been dumped by her married boyfriend when she latched on to my husband. When I would refer to her as a "whore" or other such labels he would say, " You shouldn't call her that she has very high morals"

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  2. "I didn't think you would care and be upset. I just thought you would be angry."

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  3. We are both away on work related travel and my husband has been sending me very frequent texts and emails and in the latest one has called me his "Juliette".... Him of course being Romeo....! To which I replied that this story better not have the same ending...to which he replied..."you had better bring me to the theatre more often!" hmmmm....I think I will check out where Macbeth is playing....

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  4. Wow. Pretty dumb! It's interesting to note that I think men can better handle our anger about it than our hurt. It's easier to get self-righteous and defend against anger. But hurt? Ya gotta pretty much just admit you're an ass.

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  5. Amazing...I heard that same thing..."If the circumstances were different, you'd really like her too. She's truly a great person." This was while he was weighing his options--to leave his family and move out or give up all contact with her. Uh oh...feeling that old hatred again!

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  6. Wow, similar lines from my husband as well.

    Cheating hubby says to me about lover 24 hrs after d-day: "I know what you're thinking because I picked her up in a bar, but you don't have to worry, she's a good girl, not a slut"
    Me: "Did she spread her legs for a married man with children? Yes? Well then, SHE'S NOT A GOOD GIRL!!!"
    Months later I also got the "I didn't think you'd care and be this mad. I thought maybe you'd be mad for like a week."

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  7. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh... :)

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  8. I got, "She looks a lot like you. That's probably why I was attracted to her."

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  9. Very man's fantasy – twins! Too bad he was only married to one of them. ;)

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  10. Oh I heard some good ones. The best one though, that was repeated time and again was "I think this could all be solved if we just had a threesome with her."

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  11. Gawd, men and their threesomes. It gets so boring. Most of them wouldn't know what the hell to do... :)

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  12. My husband told me that he didn't think I'd be so upset because I was a liberal and more understanding and tolerant. Apparently, in his warped mind, liberals don't mind if their spouses lie and cheat and break marriage vows. What an idiot. (PreAffair, our marriage conflicts centered on his porn addiction and our political differences.)

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    Replies
    1. Okay, you win! That's unbelievable. Why be secretive then if he was married to such a tolerant liberal? You might have wanted to join in, being a liberal and all.
      I'm curious: what is the political affiliation of all porn addicts?
      Lord help us...

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    2. I know. It's all so crazy and illogical, right?

      The fact is that he had demonized me based on our political differences; I was marginalized and expendable (it didn't help that I wasn't porn material).

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  13. In the worst days just after I asked if they used condoms. He said no and I went crazy again. He explained patiently: "It's about trust between two people." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Very, very funny. Sad...but funny.

      Elle

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  14. I had to shamefully be tested for HIV and STD'S after I found out about my husband's affair. He didn't see the need to use protection. I asked him, "well weren't you concerned she could get pregnant?" He said, "No, she would never do that. I completely trust her." This from a woman who is trying her best to destroy someone's marriage and family. Love it.

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    1. Ha! Trust, indeed! I heard that one also! When I got tested for STDs afterwards he was surprised. They didn't need protection because he'd voluntarily had a vasectomy after our second child. The irony of it is, the OW (single) gave up TWO children (from two different men) to adoption (and now she's an anti-adoption activist) and I couldn't help but laugh at that one -she probably WANTED to get pregnant with him and here he's shooting blanks!

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  15. My husband tried to comfort me with these words: "It wasn't just a cheap meaningless fling. I really cared about her."

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  16. My husband's OW 6 years ago, thought she was helping him, he wanted me to invite her to be a friend on facebook, Seriously... said "she is trying to help us".

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    1. Curious exactly what her definition was "help" was. Unbelievable. Thanks for sharing THAT doozy.

      Elle

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  17. on me finding out about the OW, he said "you have such high standards, you should be more tolerant!". so infidelity is the normal standard? :-/

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    1. yeah...those "high standards" really get in the way of good time. Jeesh. :)

      Elle

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  18. He told me she didn't mean anything, that she was just fun to be around. So you've destroyed our marriage for nothing? That's just great...

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    1. Oh my husband would make those same comments!! And I had the exact same feeling as you!! She was obviously important enough to destroy our marriage and hurt our children! I'm not sure to this day what would've hurt worse if did care for her or if he didn't

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    2. Oops I was trying to click notify me and I accidentally somehow posted I was trying to get to ridiculous remark, seeing as though that's the theme of this blog, that would follow when if told me one thing, thinking it would placate me and I would get angry or rather hurt and he would tell me "geez I can never win no matter what I say" what?!?! Really?!? Here's how you could've won NOT CHEATED!! Lol you would've won everyone of these arguments, so you're darn right you can never say the "right thing" lol

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  19. Mine had the nerve to tell me, "She's a good person."

    I told him a good person doesn't f$&# someone else's husband.

    Damn, they're stupid.

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  20. When he told me about the affair, he told me that she was unhappy in her marriage and wanted out. Her husband was bisexual and he was "allowed" to sleep with other people which she was trying to be okay with. Then my husband said "but you're not okay with that, right??" As if, I might say, "yes, now that I think of it, you should sleep around."

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    1. Just thought he'd check. Would have hated to find out that all along you were okay with it…and he didn't need to feel guilty.
      [Smacking my forehead with my hand!!!]

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  21. Well I have a couple my husband too said she was a good person lol. Yes a married woman obsessed with my husband sounds like a great person to me. He has changed his tune now that the fog is gone. My favorite was from her to him though. She told him she was in love with him after two weeks of IM chat at work then explained that she had extremely conservative views on sex. Her take was that someone should only have sex if they loved each other otherwise it was wrong and cheap. Lol again this from a woman cheating on her husband with mine.
    T

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    1. Wow...imagine if her views were liberal!! Women, hide your sons.

      Elle

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  22. How about "You don't have to worry about me making comparisons, since there wasn't another woman involved."

    Right. Because dealing with your porn addiction and subsequent affairs with other MEN is so comforting. Where do they get these things???

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  23. "I could tell that I was no longer making you happy and that devastated me"

    ...and so you had an affair as a way to make me happy? WTF?

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  24. On two affairs over nearly 20 years with the same ex girlfriend; "I told myself it didn't count as cheating because I'd been there before I met you"

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  25. I love how my WH looked at me so doe eyed when I was confronting him and said, "but I thought we weren't HAPPY." WTF? And gee, I thought we were working on US, but apparently we were both delusional.

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  26. "I didn't think it would hurt you, because I didn't think you would ever find out". HMMM.....Or "After we spent the night together, it was awkward and I couldn't wait to get out of there" So he went back for more later that week...maybe to see if it was still just as awkward? What a ding dong.

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  27. One that still sticks in my craw even after the two years that's passed is, we were having one of those late night talks rehashing a cpl of months after d-day he tells me that as he was leaving the hotel with my best friend aka the OW that he turns to her and says "I wish we didn't have to sneak around." I think I broke out in instant tears and I guess at that point he thought about what he had said and started saying "I didn't mean it like that!" Well of course you did!! You didn't say you turned to her and said wow that was a bad idea we shouldn't of snuck around lol can anyone else think of any other meaning than the glaringly obvious one?!? I wish I wasn't married to your best friend so we could do this kind of stuff in public smh what a dumb dumb lol

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    Replies
    1. Open mouth. Insert foot. [Face palm.]

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  28. On discovery I wanted her full name. He kept saying it was _____ but I had already done searches on her phone number and was coming up with a different last name. Finally he had to confess that the name he knew was her maiden name from high school and did not know her current last name. I felt like I was a character in a Carrie Underwood song. He also did not know about a all her ex-husbands. But he LOVED her.

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  29. When I asked my husband (bc he said the first couple of times he used protection) who purchased the condoms he said she had them in her nightstand. I said how convenient. He said well they were left from her exlive in. Later he disclosed she had, had a hysterectomy. I said what would a woman that had a hysterectomy have a collection of condoms from her ex-boyfriend? I saw a light bulb go off for him. He said I never thought about that.

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  30. During a discussion on how he put me at risk for a STD he was explaining that he was not stupid he knew she was "clean". I said why because she was such a "good person"? He said well I would have noticed it something was wrong when we where fooling around, just like when I am with you. I said yeah but SHE WAS NOT ME.

    Yeah that still hurts. And I had to thank him for answering all the questions I never wanted to know about.

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    1. OMG my husband said THE SAME thing to me. And after relentlessly asking about sex, he gave me info that was NOT what I asked about...which I shall never, of course, forget. However, the sting is gone now (it's been 22 months and 2 days but who's counting?)....and the ONLY good thought I have is that he had to sit with the junkies, AIDS patients, paid ladies, and other folks when he want for his AIDS testing at the Public Health Department. At age 60 I got my first STD....from my husband, compliments of HIS whore.

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    2. I've heard of WAY TOO MANY stories of STDs thanks to idiots who were convinced they would "know" if she had an STD.

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  31. Last one that I have....You will never understand how hard it is to love 2 women at the same time. The guilt was almost unbearable. Just keeping all the stories (HUM you mean lies?) straight was almost more than I could manage. You just have no idea how stressful this was for me.

    I just stood there shaking my damn head thinking on top of a lying cheat, my husband is a total idiot.

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    1. I'm laughing out loud. Do these guys hear themselves??? On top of everything, they want our pity because they're so "stressed"? There should be a special echo chamber in which these guys have to spend time where they hear their asinine remarks repeated over and over and over...

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  32. Mine is "well if you weren't on your phone all the time maybe I would want to spend more time with you" Coming from the person who was obviously on his phone 24/7 contacting other people for affairs instead of finding ways to spend time with me or his kids.

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    Replies
    1. Yep. Your fault. Or your phone's fault. But definitely not his.

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  33. I got told I am constantly negative and catastrophising when discussing his affair. So I am supposed to be constantly positive and accepting of it?

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  34. "It was only sex." This after 8 months of emotional abuse from him because HE felt like S**T about being a S**T. Seriously? Stupid is as stupid does!

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  35. I was told it was just an experiment!!!

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