Sunday, May 29, 2011

Am I only a "betrayed wife" after I found out? Or was I one all along?

I still, almost five years past D-Day #1, have trouble looking at photographs of "before". My children's babyhoods are now colored with the knowledge that, while I was home changing diapers and mopping up spit, my husband was peeling off panties and swapping spit.
How do I reconcile the past I thought I had with what was going on behind my back? How do I look back at wedding photos/family pictures/celebrations without that happiness-busting sense of "well...we might look happy". The point, of course, being that my reality wasn't...real. Or was it?
It's a sort of philosophical issue. If a tree falls in the forest but you don't know that tree is falling (or more to the point, that your husband is the one chopping it down), does it change the past? Or is your past still your past – memories intact – and it's only your future that's altered?
I'm no philosopher (clearly, given my convoluted example!). But I struggle with my sense of history now. My sense of self is shaky. Am I still the same person I was, even though my life was not what I thought it was?
Am I still the same person even though others' view of me was perhaps colored by information they had...but I didn't?
I want to believe the answer is yes. I am still I. And though my future is certainly altered by the knowledge of my husband's cheating, it doesn't change the mother I was, the wife I was, the daughter/friend/sister/writer I was. I need to stand firmly in my own self. And recognize that another's actions, while they affect me, needn't change me.

3 comments:

  1. Yip, having to rewrite history all the time is a real kicker! I battled with that all the time during my long sojourn through the soap opera of my life! Eventually you ask ..is this real?

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  2. I feel I could have written every word you wrote.
    I can not look at photo's of us together before finding out about all of his infidelity. I've taken our photos out of all the frames around the house and packed them away. The family albums remain on the shelves unopened for the last year.
    I do not take any more photo's of us together and if I do take one of my husband it gets deleted. Only the ones were I feel I should keep them for my children's sakes stay on the camera- never printed, just to remain in the hard drive.
    It's something to do with his face. It's a liars face smiling back at me.
    It was a very cruel lie and the life I had stripped from me is an adjustment I find I can not come to terms with.

    Even a year on I find out my husband has been lying to me still. So much for working it out. We have separated again (so tired of this) and he is seeking more help from a psychologist for his lying. He says he will do anything to save us. I'm sceptical.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marti,
    I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this.
    I hope, while he's getting help, you're focussing on yourself and your kids and creating a life that will be full whether he's in it as your husband or not. You don't want to spend your life waiting for someone who may simply never be the man you deserve.
    Sending positive thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete

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