Monday Musing: On Grief...and Healing
"Grief is a normal and healthy experience after loss. But so is resilience. Over the years an interesting change in grief therapy has been the emphasis on resilience; the awareness that people normally find healthy ways to adapt and live with loss. That’s not to say it’s a quick and easy task. It’s not that grieving suddenly ends and the person forgets and moves on. No, what happens is that a weight that initially feels unbearable becomes, in time, manageable. The grief becomes compact enough, with the hard edges removed, to be gently placed in one’s heart."
~from Memento Mori by David Malham, New York Times
Yes that is exactly how it's been for me. The pain of losing everything my house, my job, friends, my life as I new it and everything familiar caused so much grief it was unbearable. So I thought, but God had way bigger plans. I fell apart completely. Losing the love of my life (in my mind) to another woman was so shocking my heart actually went crazy and they had to prescribe medicine to get me to rest for anytime period. I had everything before I gound out but I was so distraught I couldn't get out of bed unless it was for work. Thankfully I hadn't used my vacation or sick time because it all got used over the next 8 months. I periodically have myself time off, but I really don't know how I functioned. My memory has even been lost in that time period. Me the person who remembers back to three and four years old lost almost a year to trauma. My hair fell out in glops, and two years later is almost growing normal again. I am starting to resemble myself, in theory of course I look like myself, I'm speaking of me from the inside. God has finally showed me how he has been piecing me back one part at a time. Kind of like a mechanic.... Taking all the broken and chipped bits out of the engine and removing all the sludge that choked and drowned all the compartments. He had filled me up with all things new and a strength that can only scream rebuilt but with maximum horsepower. From time to time I do have bad dreams, and I do struggle. I lost everything....but I know if I focus on my progress and what has been done in me, I know that all the other stuff will come and better also. Just so you understand..., I got so sick that I truly needed a hospital, but true to form I stubbornly stood on my own at some point and just packed all my things and moved across the country with one of my children. The others were already older (graduating highschool) and chose to stay behind with their daddy. I did this to heal up because I knew I was fading fast. I asked that everything be sold or gifted. My husband took care of that, and in time, two months time just about.... Joined me on our new journey. We started our we again. Working on us and how we communicate. I realized we hadn't truly communicated in so long. Of course there was dinner talk, the kids, school stuff, parent stuff, sibling stuff, but not us stuff. We also spent hardly anytime alone together before all this happened. Our son had been in alife changing accident, my daughter had surgery, my other son has broken his leg.... It was one thing after another. We lost we.... Whatever that was.... And our home we bought when I was a lot younger... 15 years younger ,) now we were in a different state in my self appointed sabbatical of healing regrouping, literally and figuratively together. We have returned back to the scene so to speak. Where all our family is and everything started, but we are different and that is good. Sometimes I feel the pain of what was lost, but I will not let it overtake me. I am strong. Time and peace are now hand in hand I my heart again. Love you girls so much. Your a huge part of my healing process. Your never alone somebody is praying you through and that's me ;) with tons of love and support - Ann fromTexas
ReplyDeleteOh Ann, what a story! I'm so glad you're beginning to feel as though you've rediscovered yourself...and your husband. It sounds as if you've had more than anyone should ever have to deal with. But here you are. Still standing. An inspiration to all. Thanks for all that you bring to this site. We're lucky to count you among us.
DeleteYes, I do feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of what my marriage was and can never be again. I do hope to rebuild with my husband, but it is hard. We had something really wonderful before he made these terrible decisions. But I know I am resilient because I am still here. Slowly trying to heal from this disaster...
ReplyDeletePlease remember you are not alone in your feelings. They are all normal natural reactions to the trauma and pain. Give yourself the time to breathe on your terms in your time no rushing yourself along. Feel your pain but walk through it and gain strength. An example; you wake up from a nightmare again or your sitting and an anxious thought hits... Those are feelingd you feel but they may not be reality at all. Let your mind recover... Your brain was shocked also along with your heart ,) you can do this one day at s time. You have lots of love and support from us. I told my husband when I'm at my worst just hold me I'll get better. - I'm praying for you - Ann from Texas
DeleteAshley,
DeleteYes, you are still here. And that is no small thing when we feel swallowed by so much pain. Focus on yourself and your healing. Nurture yourself, be gentle with yourself, and trust that you will get through this.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I'm trying to be gentle with myself and trying to believe we can recover. xo
DeleteAnn from Texas,
ReplyDeleteThank you. You post was beautiful and painful also. I had not read anywhere about the hair loss. I lost 30 pounds but now my hair is falling out. I wondered if this mess was the cause. Now I know thanks to you.
I am grieving for sure but still angry and fearful after 8 months. I've a therapist but am interviewing a new therapist tomorrow. I do like the current therapist but feel there should be something more - something is missing... I have a fantastic telephone counselor who listens to me drone on and on and on but we also talk and laugh - it really helps.
HIMSELF went to his first counseling appointment today - he made appointment to go back next week. We shall see...
TT,
DeleteGood for your re. counsellor. You need to feel as though you're getting somewhere. Trust your instincts. And so glad the phone counselling is working for you. It's such a fantastic service.
It's important to tell our stories. With each telling, I think we settle into it. It becomes real and a part of our past, slowly receding.
And good news re. your husband. Fingers crossed.
Sam here. I also lost my hair. I didn't notice it. It starting falling out at d day August to sept 2013. My husband noticed it when stubble started growing back along sides of my forehead. Definitely stress related. 1 1/2 years later those areas are now down to my chin. I posted somewhere else that I could have used to lose some weight; instead I lost my hair & got insomnia. Lucky me.
ReplyDeleteI lost 70 lbs gained anxiety and insomnia. I never considered the physical component in all this. I have underlying anxiety all time. Not anxiety like really anxious but just under the surface. Like I'm wide awake at 3 am ever night so I will get up and straighten up the pantry, go back to bed. I will get up at 3am and clean up the kitchen, go back to bed. My therapist says underlying anxiety. I have had it for long I just live with it. I do listen to meditation oasis at night or in the day (down loaded app) which helps amps me down. I'm getting hair extensions for the time being. If I don't have it - then to hell with it I'm buying it until I get really straightened out into smoother waters.
ReplyDeleteLynn,
DeleteThat pervasive feeling of anxiety is often post-trauma and it really should be addressed. Do a little exploring of post-trauma work (http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122644110262918605) and see what you think.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. This site has been very helpful in my journey of healing as well. I wonder if anyone could weigh in on my dilemma. I am currently 18 months from D Day. As many of you have indicated I also don't know how I got through, but I did. My situation is this: my husband told me from the moment he told me about the affair, that he wanted to work on our marriage and go to counselling. He was remorseful and willing to do whatever I needed to work through this. At first, he was really serious about understanding himself and why he had the affair. He was going to counselling and researching whatever he could. I felt that he really wanted to make this work and I felt like this was a wakeup call for us to make improvements in our marriage and stop living like roommates. Some things have changed, we are more intimate; we cuddle on the couch, hold hands, kiss more. He has continued counselling on his own and with me; however, he hasn't talked about what he has learned about the affair. In the beginning he told me that he cared about the OW and felt bad that he also hurt her and led her on. I know (from reading all of their emails) that their relationship was full of sex and passion. My problem is that he has never opened up about his feelings and what he has learned about the affair and why it happened. He has never told me that he is over her, doesn't think about her, doesn't still 'love' her or want to be with her. I feel like I need him to reassure me that he realizes what they had wasn't love. When I bring this up at counselling, the counselor minimizes it by reminding me who he chose to be with. That he took the harder route by staying and working on our marriage, that if he didn't love me, he would have chosen her. The problem is I can't unread the emails, I can't let go of the passion I saw between them in those emails. I can't help but fear that he misses that passion and therefore misses her. We do very few meaningful things together. He has lost that passion with me. I have tried so many things, booking dates, booking hotels, sexy lingerie. He is trying but I can tell he's not feeling passion. I want him to look at me with desire and want to rip my clothes off. I have told him straight out that I need him to tell me when he thinks I look nice, compliment me, plan dates. For some reason he isn't able to do it. He has shared at counselling, that because of all the lies, he doesn't feel his words hold any value. That I won't/can't believe him. He also says it feels forced, because I’ve asked him to complement me, he feels if he does it won't feel sincere and that I will think it's because I told him to say it. The other night we went out and I had on a new dress, even I thought I looked hot in it (which is saying a lot). I had compliments all night from our friends and even the waitress, but not even 'you look nice tonight' from my husband. I feel like we are reverting back to our old life of coexisting and that is no longer enough for me. How long do I wait to see if he can meet my needs, if he can find the desire for me again? Or am I just searching for the fantasy that he had in the affair? Am I trying to recreate that unrealistic passion that comes from being with someone new and with the secrecy/danger affairs bring? I know mentally that what they had was a result of the newness and the chemicals that come with all of that, but in my heart I want him to feel that same desire with me. How do I forget the passion that he shared with another woman? How do I stop longing for that same passion with me? Am I expecting something from him that is not realistic? I have no doubts that he loves me and cares for me, but he loves and cares for his sister too. I don't want to be his sister, I want to be his lover, partner, friend, and confidante. Sorry for the long text, but if anyone has any insights or words of advice, please share them.
ReplyDeleteSR
SR.,
DeleteYou haven't given many details as to when in the marriage this affair happened or with whom. If you've been married a few years and this was a midlife crisis, boredom, or just plain escape from whatever your husband was feeling please don't take it personally. He was looking for escape period. It was extremely hurtful but don't Ever compare yourself to the OW. She was nothing but a random person he found to pretend he was in high school again maybe. And marriage has many different stages, five to seven at least depending on who you read. But for me hands down, Frank Pittman's Private Lies gave me so much comfort and insight as to what was happening. Honestly, it just helped me stay sane. Now many yrs after my husband's affairs with two flight attendants I can't imagine how I got through those very long nights and yet managed to get up face the day and take care of our two young children. Basically, it's just put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. I'm not going to lie and say we lived happily ever after the affairs but I grew to be more self confident and appreciate everything I learned along the way. When our son was in college and our daughter was just starting to date, he told her a very important thing...don't like the guy too much when you're just starting to date him:-) let your husband pursue you and not vice versa. When my husband was playing his Eenie Meanie Minie Moe bit, I did the 180 and it totally helped. But the best part was that the last OW turned into the Fatal Attraction woman and burned his butt. She was a piece of work and he was so over her! Hopefully your husband will see the light and get over her. A woman who cheats with a married man? What a catch?!
Dear Anon April 3 8:45,
DeleteI also felt this way recently, exactly how you desribed it and wondered if our loving making now had the same type of passion. It took me several time asking to get the full story. I asked the same question in several different ways. He said the first six months was passion and lust but there was no love. I totally didn't understand that concept. Waited and pushed further. He said in reality sex without love made him feel dirty. He said he didn't care about her, anything that was intimate he didn't participaye like take a shower with her. Lay in bed holding her after sex. He got up and left. He never went down on her if you know what I mean. They didn't use toys. He says he has more passion for me because love is in the picture. Ask your husband how he defines romantic or passion. I did and was surprised. My husband thinks it is romantic if I sit on his lap, sit next to him and watch TV. Hold hands. When I kiss him full tongue in the kitchen he says that is passion. If I make out with him on the couch he says that is passion. Yes, they did that too but it was mechanical passion for a short time. HIs expectations are not for me to come out in my belly dancing costume, candles lit etc.... By the way what he says is passion now- I never gave him before ever. I never sat on his lap, full french one kiss, held hands ..... Ask your husband what he says is romantic and passionate. I ask never ending, constantly what did she have in bed that I didn't until his 1000's of reassurance he explained in different ways what I have that she didn't. Ask specifically but when he talks just listen don't respond in anger and I hope you will get the answers you are seeking. You won't get all of this in a short time. It took my husband at least 3 months until I finally got the entire picture. I still hurt, doubt and feel like he got away with his fun. But I wouldn't trade places with him when I see what he is going through.
SR
DeleteThank you Lynn and Pilots wife. Your comments are helpful. We had been together 28 years, married 23 years when the two year affair happened, We celebrated our 25th anniversary with 150 of our closest friends, while unknown to me, he was seeing her. D'Day was 2 months after our 25th anniversary, almost 2 years to the day he started seeing her. Lynn, the things your husband told you about the sex and that he didn't care about her is what I want/need to hear from my husband,but what he hasn't said to me yet. All he has said is that he felt guilty about hurting me, but also about hurting her too. I read too many emails and they did cuddle and take showers together and have passionate sex. My husband is really good in bed and always spent more time pleasing me than himself and he was like that with her too. She even called him a sex god! She is very flirtatious and uses her sexuality to 'encourage' men to buy products from her company. She is very sexual and has had many partners. She danced on his lap the first time she met him! I have been with my husband since I was 15 and he was 17. He has been my only partner. It's difficult not to think that sex would be better with her, because she has had more experience. At first my husband thought she was a slut, seeking attention from men. But then he found he couldn't stop thinking about her. He knew she was willing and yes I think he was bored and going through a midlife crisis and wanted the excitement of having sex with her. He thought it would be a one time thing. But then they agreed on a friends with benefits relationship (until she decided she wanted more). But the guilt of using someone for sex got to him and he started looking for things about her that were good, tried to convince himself that he wouldn't hurt me like this for just sex, that there had to be something special between them, a reason they were brought together. Now he says he knows that their relationship would never have lasted, that she was manipulating him and he was allowing it. She threatened suicide several times when he tried to stop seeing her. She threatened to tell me too. He said he thought I would leave him as soon as I found out and he didn't want to lose me so he kept seeing her, trying to get her to break things off so it would be her decision, but that never happened. I did find over a dozen break up letters to her (most of them were never sent) from as early as 6 months into the affair, with him trying to break it off with her. That helps a bit. My problem is I need to hear the things your husbands have told you but he hasn't said those. It's like he doesn't want to bad mouth her in any way, because he feels he is to blame.
Hello all,
ReplyDeleteFirst things first (((((HUGS))))).
Now for the YUCK -- went to see (interview) this other therapist. Can you say Sigmund FRAUD?? She spent 30 of my 50 minutes asking about my sister, brother, father, mother, kids, sister's kids, whole family education experiences, yada yada yada - she wanted to know education, jobs, marital status, health and on and on and on and on she went. We only spent 20 minutes talking about why I was there -- and then she said she was booked solid for the next 4 weeks and I could make appointment for some time in May. I'm losing my freekin mind, life is up freekin side down and you can't see me until a month later?? NO THANKS!! She knew she had no openings for new clients when I was scheduled for this appointment. Geeeezzzzz... Thanks to this forum and the folks over at SI forum I knew to interview more than one therapist if I felt it was not a "fit" for me. Also good she was #3. I am going to stick with my weekly therapist and the peer counselor telephone support. I've found a weekly "in person" support group also so will go "check it out". No wonder so many betrayed wives go nuttzz!!!
If I ever get off this pain-go-round I am going to help as many betrayed women as I can!! We are important. We matter. We have been injured grievously and WE DESERVE THE BEST!!!
You're giving me a glimmer of hope that maybe this��will eventually become❤️
DeleteI was just thinking, wouldn't it be cool if we could all get together for a weekend?
ReplyDeleteI've said it before, there is such strength here, what a time we could have.
Random,
ReplyDeleteI like how you have these "random thoughts"!!! I can see it now. I can feel the fellowship now. If anyone comes up with a plan please post it here. For those who might have financial constraints perhaps the "in person" weekend could have several sessions on Skype so our sisters who are not able to travel could join us via computer. Could be an idea if the "in person" was scheduled at least one year ahead of time for those whose financial situation might allow attendance if saving a bit here and there for a year could attend in the flesh.
Talk about "girls night out" YIKES!!
Could be the first worldwide meeting of "BWA" Betrayed Wives Anonymous"...
I apologize -- I tend to get carried away..... BUT I love the idea.
Terry, I wish we could bottle your enthusiasm and positivity..... : )
DeleteHope all have a Happy Easter!!
ReplyDeleteHope all have a chag Pesach sameach!!
Hope all have a calm weekend!
(((HUGS)))
Then you ladies might need to check out a BAN group. http://beyondaffairsnetwork.com/
ReplyDeleteSo i am now 9 months past d day and still feel alot of pain. Still sometimes have doubts if I made the right decision to work on the marriage. The ow still pops in my mind throughout the day especially recently since the actual affair started in May and the disclosure was the beginning of July. My husband has been very supportive and attenitive towards me. He has definitely been giving the marriage a 100%. I hope a lot of this is just the fact we are getting closer to the year anniversary of the affair. I definitely don't have forgiveness for the ow for trying to manipulate him to leave me for her during a rough patch in our marriage. I was experiencing depression over my fathers death at the time and was distancing myself from my husband. I doubt she feels the need for me to forgive her anyways since she was trying to desperately clutch on to him. He doesn't contact her at all. I have met her a few times and can say I never cared much for her before d day she is very self absorbed person who loves to constantly talk about herself. I do kinda wonder what my husband seen in her. She is one of those people who overspend on herself. I had also mentioned a while ago her own marriage she destroyed by infidelity a year prior to her affair with my husband. I sometimes picture what his life would've been like if he tried to have a meaningful relationship with her. He would've been broke and in deep debt trying to make her happy especially since I make twice as much as he does. He has told me the relationship wouldn't have worked out with her even if I had decided not to be with him. I am glad he acknowledges the fact it was my choice to make the marriage work and thanks me almost everyday for being with him still and how lucky he is. I don't think we would be together right now if everything returned to the way it was before d day.
ReplyDelete