What Did I Do to Deserve This?

by Steam

In a word, nothing.
No one asks to be cheated on and my guess is that during those moments of first discovery, most of us put our energy into “my husband is an ass” or “my husband is a  jerk”  or “my husband is a liar.

I have no data, no surveys, nothing to back me up. But I doubt that our very first thoughts were “I deserved this.”

But as the days and weeks go by, some of us switch gears and find ourselves questioning: Am I too fat? Too old? Too boring?

Somehow we start to assume the blame.

If we think we are to blame, we think that gives us some control.

Well, we are NOT to blame and we don't have control over his cheating. Never did and never will.

It's been said on this site many many times:
If we didn't cheat, we are not to blame. 
That's the truth. Preach it!

Our husbands/spouses/partners could have taken a moment to tell us that something was wrong, that they were feeling disconnected, unappreciated, unloved. They felt bad enough about themselves or the state of the relationship to consider an affair, but no, they ran.

We we were trusting enough to believe that everything was, for the most part, okay. That tides ebb and flow, the fires smolder and flicker and sometimes need to be rekindled and one day well get around to that. That this time that seem a little bit off is only a phase and it too shall pass.

So here is something that I came to understand:

I did something too. Although I am not to blame – remember, I didn't force my other half to have an affair –

I did something.

I  checked out long enough to not notice that something was REALLY up.

I checked out long enough to let someone else sneak into OUR relationship.

When I found out, I thought, I REALLY thought, it was all him. He chose the women, he chose the actions, he chose to take the many many steps it takes to have an affair. I don't care what anyone tells you, this didn't "just happen.” He had to a) make contact b) choose to stay as the chemistry started to show itself, c) choose to make the first move or not back away from hers d) accelerate the contact and e ) go further and...and I could go through the alphabet...which includes Craigslist, online adds, paid-for sex, etc. There is an a-z process he took part in and I, or maybe many of us, didn't notice.

My H had been distant the last few years of our relationship – not mean, not absent – but he was battling with the demon in the bottle. When he wanted to be alone (mostly on vacations) I thought it was to drink “in peace” because he didn't get that when he was with me. I thought his alcoholism was accelerating at an alarming pace. That's what I thought was going on. I never though it was a woman. N E V E R.

This was a fine line because when you are in Al-Anon, you are really supposed to stay on your side of the street. Looking back, I fear that I had not just stayed on my side of the street, but stayed on a street halfway across town. We were living in the same house, but I had really checked out. 

It never crossed my mind that my husband, who spent a lot of his time inebriated when I was not around, could find the time to woo someone else. Who wants a drunk anyway?

I didn't come to this realization – that I somehow played a small part in this – alone. It's online, it's in books, I heard it gently in therapy. And I refused to believe it for a long time. But I played a part. A small part.

I won't take 50 percent of the blame, I might take five to seven percent – maybe even 10 percent.

So part of my recovery and our recovery was needing to check back in. The past days when he was drunk, I was free to do whatever I wanted. Waste the day on a stupid video game or on Facebook or shopping, watching what I wanted to watch on tv,  or being angry at the world around me instead of facing what was going on in my very house. Sometimes while he was literally three feet away on the same couch. He's never been a gadget guy, so why in the hell was he, for the last year on his iPad while we watched TV?

Why did I never question that?

Why did I never just lean over and say “what ya checkin out?”?

What would he have said in the middle of writing to her while sitting next to me?

Would he have told me? I doubt it.

But maybe if I had opened up a dialogue, I don't know, maybe I could have circumvented this whole mess.

But it's not just that I didn't want to know, I didn't think there was anything to know. I made my mind up that it was alcohol and that's that. I didn't want to take the time to find out that I was wrong.

There is a term I heard 20 years ago and I wish I could remember where I read it. In the air conditioning and heating business, there is a comfort zone on the thermometer. It's set at the perfect temperature so you dont feel or notice a fluctuation in the temperature of the home. They call this area "the dead zone". What a perfect reminder. 

In the heating and air conditioning biz they STRIVE to get you in "the dead zone" so you are complety unaware of everything going on while you stay "comfortable".  

It has been a process to get out of "the dead zone" of my comfortable relationship.  As easy as it was to exist side by side and remain unaware that anything was going on was pretty easy. Pretty dead.  

The last thing I want to be now  is "comfortable."  I do want to step out of my comfort zone and feel new feelings, try new things but mostly "be aware" of what is going on around me. 

Looking back – although I insisted for weeks after D-day that we had the 'perfect' relationship – I was lying to myself. He had checked out, and I had checked out.

Checking back in and being uncomfortable at times means I have to show up in a real way and it's not as easy as it sounds. I not only have to talk, I have to listen. I used to think of our silence as contentment. I felt a bit disconnected but came to believe that I was just with a non-talker. His family often commented on his silence and told me that he tended to “hold it all in”. I knew he did but then again I also knew he never felt safe with them. I thought he felt safe with me.

I thought if something was important, you know, like contemplating an affiar, crossed his mind, he might say something. But nope. His silence – he didnt feel safe with me either. I had to change my tune. 

I had to step away from the computer, from work, from hours-long phone calls with friends and listen to my best friend: him. I had to come to terms with the fact that I, just like it's said in quotey quotes, “save my best behaviour for strangers”. I gave my ALL to my work and I had little left to offer him at the literal end of the day. I had to face it, I shut him out a bit much and mistook comfort for distance. Being present is something I am working on daily, and we both need to stay connected enough that no one can sneak into our relationship again.