"Fear gets its power from our not looking, at either the fear or what we're afraid of."
~Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
Two weeks after D-Day #1, my mother was hospitalized with a lung infection. She had COPD thanks to years of smoking so this lung infection quickly became critical and she slipped into a coma. Doctors gathered us at her bedside and told us to think hard about whether we wanted her on life support or "do not resuscitate". Alone with her not long after, I whispered in her ear. "Not now, Mom. I need you. You can't die now."
Her doctor laughingly called it a "miracle". "We thought she was a goner," he said. But while she was relieved to have emerged from the coma, she was also terrified. "It was so dark," she told me. Though she had a strong religious faith, she became terrified of dying. Not of death, she told me, but of dying. My mom, however, had never met a fear she wasn't willing to stare down. So she began talking about this fear. To her doctors, to her minister, to her family. Her doctors assured her that, if she was suffering, they had ways to minimize that. Her minister assured her that she believed God would be there to meet her. Our family assured her that we would do what we could to ensure that she wasn't suffering and advocate on her behalf.
Six months later (three weeks after D-Day #2 for those keeping track of just how hellish this time was me), she slipped into a coma for a second time. This time, I whispered in her ear that if she was ready to go, I was ready to let her go. But, I told her, "I will miss you every day for the rest of my life."
She died a few hours later. It was peaceful and beautiful and it felt like a privilege to witness her passing.
And it also taught me something valuable.
About fear. And our response to fear.
She began by naming her fear. Not death. Dying. We can't underestimate the power of naming what we're afraid of, nor can we battle something that we can't name.
And then she gathered those around her who could help her dissect this fear -- to address each aspect of it. She was the one who did the hard work of wrestling with it. She was the one awake at 3 a.m. thinking it through. But she felt surrounded by those invested in supporting her.
What are you afraid of?
So many of us feel terrified after a partner's betrayal. My fear was being abandoned, which, I've come to learn, wasn't so much a fear based on current reality as a knee jerk reaction to long-ago issues with my dysfunctional family. It took a lot of time and therapy to face down that fear and come to a place where I feel confident in my ability to be "abandoned" and be just fine.
A whole lot of us fear making the wrong choice about staying or going. We fear going through this pain again. We fear being duped. We fear that we can't trust ourselves. The list is, no doubt, long.
But as long as those fears remain nebulous, as long as they drift just out of reach, they will remain terrifying. They will feel like a threat.
But if you nail each one down as best you can, if you gather those around you who can help you dissect them and really determine how realistic your fear is, you can eliminate a whole lot of them.
Fear of being abandoned? Well...what would that look like? Painful sure. But what does it really look like? You would have been left by someone who doesn't value you enough to stay. That stings. But, to an outsider, you just escaped someone who doesn't value you enough to stay. That's...a good thing. The fear, I suspect, is more around what you're telling yourself. That you aren't loveable. That you aren't worthy. That you aren't good enough. And that's entirely different than being abandoned. That's you abandoning yourself. And you can do something about that.
Maybe your fear is rooted in being "wrong" for staying. Well, what does that look like? How can you prepare yourself for that possibility in a way that reduces the logistical issues. See a lawyer perhaps and determine what position you're in should you separate? Think through your finances? Get a therapist to help you create a system of transparency so that you'll know sooner than later if he's cheating? In other words, create a plan.
What I'm advocating is having the courage to stare down your fear. To name it and to refuse to let it control you. To wrestle with it.
To take away its power. And realize that the power is yours.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Elle, That is a great quote. One thing I always year you say is not to worry about making big decisions but just the next best step. I know I am paraphrasing but it helped me not feel like I might make a mistake either way. And not to feel like I was making permanent decision, or worrying so much about the future. Instead I just took it step by step. And really no decision I made were ones that I could not change. It took so much pressure off of me. It gave me time to figure this all out. You provide so much wise advice and are always there to listen and empathize but really this saying it is okay to not make a major decision was what started me in the right direction. Everything else fell into place after I let that go. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30, Yes, it was a friend who taught me that. Just take your "next right step", she would tell me. Certainly takes the pressure off and it keeps us from mentally galloping into an uncertain future that ends up paralyzing us from doing anything.
DeleteI so needed this today. I fear so much now. But instead of running away or burying my head in the sand I need to face them. Because I do not want fear to control my life
ReplyDeleteKatie P, When we face our fears, they lose some of their power. We're always in a disempowered position when we're running or avoiding. That said, you don't need to tackle everything at once. As Hopeful 30 notes in the comment above, just focus on doing your "next right thing", whatever that is.
DeleteThank you, Elle
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteI am currently scared of every single thing Elle listed here, and probably more things that I will spend some time trying to name this next week. I tend toward anxiety as a person in general (recovering people pleaser), so figuring out how to handle my fears surrounding his betrayal has been a huge mountain for me. At the end of all my jogs, my cool-down song is John Mayer's Age of Worry. It makes me feel better and I consider it a kind of anthem most of the time. I particularly like these lyrics:
ReplyDeleteKnow your fight is not with them
Yours is with your time here
Dream your dreams but don't pretend
Make friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You're allowed to do it
'Cause God knows it's been done to you
And somehow you got through it
Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"
He also says "don't be scared to walk alone and don't be scared to like it" in the song as well. It helps me, as Hopeful 30 said, to hear these words in the song and what Elle has stated before about decisions not being final and taking things one step at a time.
When I fear abandonment, it helps to look around when I'm alone at all the things that would not change if I were abandoned. Music, nature, my friends, my son, the way it feels on a warm day, a great book, a glass of wine, a hot bath... When I fear being wrong about staying, it helps to remember that I could be wrong about leaving too. There's no way to be sure you're right, and perhaps being right is not the most important. When I fear being tricked... well, that's where I currently get into trouble if it comes up. I go back to searching phone records and facebook profiles and making up stories in my head. That's the fear that leaves me feeling stuck when it comes up. I will wrestle some more with that!
Ann, I'm a recovering people pleaser too and, man, does that tendency die hard. I'm also terrified of abandonment when it feels abstract to me. Like you, when I actually break it down, I realize I'd be just fine. It's not so much being alone that frightens me but the stories I tell myself about what it means: that I'm unworthy, unlovable, not good enough. And when I pull those stories into the light, I can see that they're not true. They're fears, not truths.
DeleteElle
ReplyDeleteFacing fear is exactly what I'm dealing with on a daily basis learning to care for my mothers dementia. I feel like I faced the initial fears of his affair fall out, feeling abandonded for his choices to be with another woman, that one took the better part of the first year. The possibility of divorce was a fear I didn't want to face but we ended up having to deal with it but once I believed he really wanted our marriage, that too lost the fear factor. Dealing with my mother, my biggest fear is not knowing when she has real medical issues and not just the day to day lonely I'm ready to go to heaven. The sad truth is she has major illnesses that require constant monitoring, but insists on living alone. So I'm facing this fear daily and with my younger sister have a plan for when the next big issue happens. The advice you've given me these two years are giving me strength to live for today not fear of tomorrow.
Theresa, That's tough. But yes, I think a family plan about how to proceed with this is a good place to start. I recently found a home-care worker (subsidized by the government -- but I'm in Canada) to visit my dad twice a week. Just an hour each time but it takes a load off me because I know there's someone regularly checking on him in person (I call him daily but we live in different towns) who can alert me if he doesn't seem quite right. His mind is slipping but he, too, is on his own. It's just hard, there's no way around it.
DeleteElle, you really get to the core of matters. You got me thinking about everything I fear. Why I have fears? My childhood was not as good as others so my "don't be afraid or how to react to fear" is not developed and I have fewer choices as to how to react fear. Most of life has been in a threat coping way. My motivation was to survive, my attention is always threat focused, my thoughts are about all the dangers and my emotions run on fear. This served me well until Dday then I was suffering in my own mind for a long time. Some days I still do. Everything betrayal is not very self care giving so there is a threat and then the fear. To be looked after, reacting with empathy, caring and the emotion of feeling safe. When I feel safe, I don't fear. I had to relieve my own suffering. I wanted to be the best version of myself even though it was a life I didn't choose. Being the best version meant working on those fears. My therapist said my mother never loved me and did not protect me. So what is left is fear all the time.
ReplyDeleteThose are really tough hurdles to clear -- when we're "taught" by our parents that people can be relied upon to keep us safe, of course we're going to respond by living in a constant state of fear. And once our brains are hard-wired to see the world that way, it's an uphill battle to rewire them once we're no longer relying on these unreliable people to keep us safe.
DeleteBut it can be done, as you're showing us every single day.
It's about reminding yourself as often as necessary that you aren't reliant on others anymore. That you can keep yourself safe. That you're the one in charge now and that you can be trusted. It's all that "inner child" work in which you're reassuring that terrified kid that a reliable adult is in charge now. I hope you realize how amazing you are LLP. To be able to go back and revisit all the pain and work through it takes a lot of courage. Plenty of people never do it. But you are doing it.
These computers are too fast for me! What I was going to say is I had to conquer the fear which is automatically turned on 24-7. I was afraid in marriage day 1 my husband was going to leave me if I was a bad girl. I was afraid from day 1 he was going to have an affair. Well he took care of number 2. I feared everything, saying the wrong think, making a bad decision to acting inappropriately. Fear is like self-criticism. I was fighting all the time with myself. I recommend self compassion therapy, which took me a year. I still have fears. One day I was crying for multiple reasons, my H gets upset every single time I cry so I used to hide it from him. (fear of leaving me if I was too much trouble). Well he did get upset and I explained, I used to hide my fears from you but now I'm real and don't hide anything. Yes I still self doubt a lot. I asked him questions about his affair today. He stated clearly, it was an escape for him nothing else. He didn't want a divorce. He said he loved me. He just wanted to escape his life because he was not happy. She offered his escape nothing else. He didn't feel bad about using her he said, because he told her he would never leave me. He was clueless on how to get it on track. I can see this now but it took 3 years for me to believe this. One fear down - it had nothing to do with her or me but everything to do with the escape, she was new to him but that wore off. Please don't self-criticize yourself that is just self-fighting. I hate to hit myself. My fear now that still lingers is - he is going to leave but I have plan B. He is going to lie to me again but I have plan B. If I have a fear then I have plan B which is good for me. I told him today, I would never trust him ever, never every. He understood. Tonight in one column I will write my fears and in the other column I will write my plan B. The ass hole asteroids who escaped in the arms of a skank have everything to fear regardless if they stayed or went with the skank. Some are just slow learners, like my H. Fear is right around the corner and I run into it, then I practice self compassion instead of fighting my self.
ReplyDeleteIt's as if you were sitting in the room with me and hubs this morning. 6 weeks out from D-Day2 and we are both living in fear. Fear of what will happen tomorrow? Will be find ourselves and want to stay together? Will we feel like shit for the rest of our lives? Uncertainty and confusion are constant companions for us both, but I an finding that each day I feel good about myself, is a day with less fear and more strength. I have been mourning "us" for well over a year and the affair started 9/2016 so I've been processing this loss long before the betrayal. He is now grieving and seeing it all so I am trying to be supportive without judgement, and keeping the statement "I told you so" to myself. It's the only way I will survive this "death" I an grateful for D-Day cause of what it brought about, the rediscovery of myself and all the loveliness that that entails. I am sad about the reality aspect, we all knew that it was always a possibility that our relationship would end, but damn!!! It's a cold hard slap to the face. Regardless of that, we are going to give it a go and see what happens. I'm grateful to know that I will survive. So grateful I found this sacred space. Love to you all
ReplyDeleteOlive, I'm glad you found us too. That fear is on both sides. In fact, I think affairs are often a response to fear. A lot of people avoid acknowledging how scared they are. Far easier to feel "alive" by seeking out attention from someone new.
DeleteI'm glad you are grieving. Really allowing yourself to feel the pain is, counter-intuitively, the quickest way through it. And there are gifts that can be found within the pain of betrayal. Rediscovering yourself. Rediscovering each other. Pledging to a deeper honesty. That's not to minimize the damage that betrayal does, of course. It takes a long time to rebuild a relationship after such a trust violation. But it can be done. And even if the relationship turns out not to survive, you will be better for having done the work of healing.
I feared failure and the results of a broken home. It resulted in me agreeing to keeping dh infidelity a secret which in turn did not allow healing or trust. I was suffocating because of my fear I faced it yesterday when I told dh that if he did not do couples counselling with me, I would tell his parents what had happened. It may seem silly, but I needed to add in a consequence. I felt released straight after the conversation. It is amazing facing your fear.thanks for a timely word. X
ReplyDeleteYay Faith Rose! I too am learning to set boundries with CH. We are all so invested in keeping their secret for so many reasons and then when they realize how someone else would react to knowing it their perspective changes. My CH's mother is way too involved in our marriage, says nasty things about me. Last night at MC I told him if our children read what she said about me they would cry. So he has promised to take a break from communicating with her and (again) to never discuss our marriage with her again. HUGE step forward in our healing if it sticks. That manipulator has got to go!
DeleteThat's really really powerful Faith Rose. He doesn't get to set the rules of your healing. That's for you. And I'm glad you're able to check in with yourself and recognize when things don't feel right for you.
DeleteAnd Browneyedgirl, I'm glad you're also setting boundaries. Your partner's difficulty with his mother is about his own issues with boundaries. His job isn't to protect you, per se, but it is to respect you. And allowing his mother to disrespect you is a problem. I hope he can see that.
Thanks, Elle. MC has had me journaling and when I put it all on one page I start to have an epiphany (about what I already knew). My CH's mother abandoned him when he was a toddler yet as an adult has become his confidant, she is who he complains about me to and she responds by validating his negative thoughts. It has been toxic to our marriage. Has never given him tough love. I will never be in the same room with her again. Although I pray to one day forgive her, and I will, I am never exposing myself to her again. I don't know what I am willing to tolerate as far as his personal relationship with her go forward. Definitely not to discuss our marriage (or our sex life - yes they did - gross). But, he has promised that many times before and he stops UNTIL we have a fight - then right back at complaining to her about me. So rarely sees how much I love him or hears about when we had fun. Anyway, for now he agreed to take a few weeks break from communicating with her at all and then we will discuss as a couple how to handle that go forward. I think he is having a difficult day because of this. He needs a better sounding board in his life - someone who is pro-marriage. But as I see it things are looking up!
DeleteI am 19 months out now and feeling so much stronger and stable for a change. I know life and my surroundings can hijack me in a heartbeat but I'm feeling great and believe I will be able to deal with the unknowns in a productive way. My husband seems crystal clear on his intentions in life and for our future. I just found out from a close friend that her husband (65) has been sexting and acting out and he is being black-mailed with pictures. They are divorcing as she is disgusted and not willing to "deal with all that smut" and he is moving out of the country as soon as things are divided and their divorce is final. We spent time with them in Mexico last year and I probably should not be surprised by this at all but I was and I am so greatly disappointed in the failure of so many men to understand the repercussions of such juvenile behavior. He is a doctor as is she. She said she is going to the gym and embracing self-care but I know she is hurting. I am so on board with complete compassion, love and understanding of her life right now. I love my husband and he said that he felt very sorry that this guy did not see the value of living an honest and open life. I feel so hopeful for the first time since DDay. There is only one DDay for us. If there ever is a DDay 2 it is divorce. I'm good with that.
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl, Sometimes, I think, the marriage is well and truly dead and the affair just gives each partner the reason they need to get out. That might be the case with this couple. Who knows?
DeleteBut it's interesting that your husband can look at the situation and feel compassion for them but also gratitude that he chose a different path.
I just wanted to come here today and say thank you for the support and help this compassionate blog, Elle and the contributors have given. Today is the third anniversary of one of the cruel incidents my husband put my through a few days after D-Day when he was still in the affair fog. He had hoodwinked me by letting me think we were dealing with marriage issues, and thinking about our future but he was completely involved emotionally, with constant interaction and contact and on the 18th January, she called him up to meet to discuss their future together. I asked him not to go but he ignored my request he left me for many hours with the children not knowing if he was coming back, not knowing what to tell them, what he was doing with her etc etc. I think this is one of the cruelest things about the affairs, the uncertainty and panic engendered. Jan was a month of sudden moves on his part, sudden revelations and shocks, some moments before I had to put on a brave face and take the kids to school, another where I was visiting HIS parents and had to put a brave face on while reeling from another betrayal. All very traumatic. In those early days we are filled with fear, we don't know where we stand, what's happening, I was minutes from telling my family we were splitting up, i was heartbroken for the kids. Then a second d-day, you fear you can't trust reality at all. Now things are much, much better. My H is being as thoughtful and helpful as possible. He was recently appreciative of a list of triggers (and dates) I sent him. He was able to actively work round them. He doesn't always get it right, he missed addressing a recent huge trigger evening even though he was aware of it but I know overall his heart is in the right place. What has helped me most of all is addressing the things I hated about myself that the affair fed into. I use a technique by Steven Stosny to balance out the bad feelings and self-critcism that come about through normal relationship exchanges, thoughts of the affair and my own low moods. I remember good things I've done, how I contribute to the world, family etc. Secondly I try to address perceived fears or inadequacies. For example, when I fear I'll never succeed in my chosen novel writing, I send out my books to agents, redouble my efforts to finish work etc. The key thing is compassion. In these ways I have compassion for myself and this blog, above all, allows us to show each other compassion and to find it when we need it. Thanks again everyone.
ReplyDeleteFOH, It might help to recognize that writers, often by nature, are incredibly hard on themselves. Hyper-sensitive (which is often what makes them good at their work) and easily hurt. So that might just be your nature. But I'm glad that you're able to challenge those misperceptions about yourself and replace them with evidence that you're so much more awesome than you give yourself credit. And I'm glad that your husband is also able to help you work through some of the tough parts. The key thing is compassion -- absolutely.
DeleteFear is alot like its twin sister anxiety they can be the biggest bullies ever but that cant kill you just keep u up at night make u feel paralyzed at times and on the other hand give u the drive and self talk u need to find yourself create change. I feel now 20 mo out fear like the control i had on my perfect life b4 dday was an illusion. Its something we now have to work at on the daily like our relationship and our self compassion. I believe it was a quote i saw here ... sometimes the fear wont go away so well have to do it afraid. We can do anything we want warrior princesses its our choice everyday.
ReplyDeleteWounded, Yes, the control I thought I had before D-Day was absolutely an illusion. I thought I could control everyone around me, simply by being so perfect that they had no choice but to love me and admire me and want to me like me. H'mmm...what could go wrong with that plan, right? It took peaking behind that need for perfection to the fear behind it -- that if anyone really saw the "real" me, they would run. And yes, sometime we have to feel the fear and do it anyway.
DeleteI use a mantra from, of all places, the book Who Moved My Cheese? I ask myself: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" It helps me temporarily set aside the fear and pain while I ponder a decision or action. NOT saying I then make the decision or action (these days I giving myself permission to sit quietly and watchfully wait while my DH tries to make me feel safe again), but I find it a helpful way to defang a question or problem.
ReplyDelete