Elle The hardest part of this quote is knowing it's true, but living it is so hard! God how I love your wisdom on how to lead us along this crazy path!
I do too. My therapist agreed that if he can't meet my emotional needs and answer my questions, he needs to go. I am almost at the point of cutting ties.
Oh Selkie, that resonates so much. Hope you find the strength to turn that knife around. It takes additional work on ourselves to stop pointing the knife towards ourselves.
Thanks, MBS. There are so many images around this 'plate' of confusion. Sometimes it feels like I'm gripping a knife, sometimes like I'm trying to eat spaghetti with chopsticks... but one day I will figure out that I can always leave this table if I don't like what's being served.
Selkie, I think it gets easier as we get better at enforcing our boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Once that becomes "normal" to us, anything else starts to just feel wrong. Pay attention to your body's signals that something doesn't feel right.
I feel like I did that a little bit today. I've continued to obsess a bit about one of the OW and search her social media posts. She's the fool I'm cutting loose from. I could not reconcile all her beautiful family photos, her professed undying devotion to her special needs son, her amazing physical fitness, her posts about the need to live an authentic life, her constant updates about every detail in her life, her posts about how caring her husband is, how many good ideas she has, quotes about how to grow and learn lessons in life, how to love yourself fully, how important spirituality is and true, honest love... etc. The quote she posted recently that really got me was, "so many broken children living in grown bodies mimicking adult lives." I just could not wrap my head around how all this "insight" was possible when I know what she did with my H. Then today I came across the definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder (look it up!), and I feel free. I do not have a degree in psychology, but I am going to go ahead and qualify myself to make this diagnosis. Now when she posts something (she posts about 5 times a day at least), I am chuckling. Her whole life is one giant, "LOOK AT ME!!" and I've been looking. Time to stop looking.
Ann, That's great that you feel liberated from her incessant "look at me" noise. Nobody's life is perfect and those who feel compelled to present this polished, glossy version are usually the ones with the most they're trying to hide. People living authentic lives don't need to tell people they are. They just do it. Glad you used your knife to cut the tether between you and her. Now they key is to resist when you're tempted to check in again -- if you're tired, or feeling down, or feel masochistic. Just don't do it. Have a plan in place so that you can resist temptation: call a friend, walk around the block, pinch yourself.
Ann The woman that went after my husband was all about her family too. Except it was her nieces and nephews that she was so proud of. She isn't married, but she makes a big deal about these kids and she could have cared less about my kids who she had met. I looked up the definition of the Histrionic Personality Disorder. That wasn't the case in our mess. I think that Narcissistic sociopath is a better description for her. She was totally about having control over everything and then lying about it and put all the blame on my H. He was to blame too but this fat cow planned the whole destruction of my marriage because she had an obsession with him that was carried forward from 20 years ago when she was a teenager. (They had worked together then too.) She had 2 other women helping her carry this plan out. When it blew up in her face she tried playing the ultimate victim and I caught her in many many lies. I wanted revenge so bad, but I figured that everyone that works with her knows what a liar she is and she has to keep up that image of herself. Must be hard for her to keep the bullshit straight.
It's been 3 months and I thought things were starting to look up. Nothing more has come out since 1 month in, and he is making huge strides to correct his behavior. And yet... the last 3 days have felt like the beginning again. I talked with my individual counselor about the remaining questions I have about the affair. I've been trying to decide if they are worth asking or if it's just "pain shopping" and detail stuff. I'm still not decided if I want to ask, but even just having the questions written out and imagining his answers has made the pain so fresh again. I can't stop crying long enough to even make it to the grocery store. I thought the worst was over and this new wave of emotions has floored me. When does this stop?!!
icequeen, Everyone and every situation is different, so there is no exact timetable here. I do understand your need to know that there is an end to this level of pain though! I can reassure you that things do not stay that bad. Many here will back me up on that. I can relate that "having the questions and imagining his answers" is so very painful. In my experience (and many others here) it's the "imagining his answers" part that is possibly causing you undue pain. My imagined answers were WAY worse than the actual answers. I was so glad I asked them. I did have to get to a point where I started to question my motives before asking another question. Why do I want to know this detail? What is the bigger question I'm trying to answer for myself by asking this? Am I asking to see what I'm worth to him? (well then maybe I'll just ask him what I'm worth to him) Am I asking to see if he loved me? (maybe I'll just ask him if he loved me). I wanted all the details, and I feel like I got enough of them to have a clear picture. There are some things I want to know (kinda) that I've decided NOT to ask like: Did you whisper anything to each other during the act? (how could I possibly use that info except to hurt myself? whatever they said in the moment is immaterial. I'm just trying to see my mental movie in 3D Imax quality there. Why do that?) Here is an example of a question I asked because I imagined his answer and it hurt me. I asked him how many orgasms he had. I imagined about 12. As it turns out, he had a really hard time doing that even once. The OW asked him what was wrong because he lost his erection twice. So glad I asked!! I imagined porn star stuff, but it was actually a very sad and desperate moment for him. I say if you've written it down and you still want to know, ASK. You have every right to ask anything you want. The answers may surprise you. It's also OK to decide not to ask if it is a question that you no longer care about after you've written it down. Sending you virtual hugs. I too have these wild swings from being OK to back to not OK. The not OK times are getting fewer and far between and they don't last as long either.
Ice Queen, there is no "right" place to post here so please don't apologize. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Ann (above) has given you really great advice. I love her idea about asking the question behind the question. Do you really need to know whether he whispered sweet nothings or are you looking for reassurance that you have something far more intimate? Those details can help when they turn out to be far worse than we imagined (which is often the case). But sometimes they just hurt. And we're no better off for knowing the info. Think about what you're asking, why you're asking, and then decide whether to proceed. For me, 90% of the info I asked for (and got), I can't even remember now. Ultimately, it just didn't make a difference. And one more thing: Three months is really not very long from D-Day so the fact that you even feel as though you're doing okay is amazing. I could barely lift my head off the pillow at three months. So give yourself a huge pat on the back.
Ice queen..I post under Anonymous here because as of yet I'm not sure what name to use. You and I are on a very similar time line. I'm just over 3 months out from the worst day of my life.
I know exactly how you feel. This last Monday and Tuesday I was as mad as day 1. Today I am calmer
It's a totally messed up ride. None of us has the right answer. All we can do is taking a day at a time. The world is too big for me to handle right now, so I've made mine smaller. I too write down the questions.... and then wonder if I even want the answers. Some days I can move beyond the pain.....others I'm a total wreck. I'm accepting that this is my new reality. A step at a time.
We are going to be ok Ice Queen. We will make it. Even on these dark and desperate days we will make it. Tomorrow is a fresh start. And guess what, we will survive whatever it brings us. Namaste Ice Qeeen.
Ann & Elle, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I read and re-read over my list today. I crossed off several questions that had no purpose besides feeding the twisted side of my curiosity. And I really examined the underlying theme to the questions. I think the biggest question still remaining for me was how personal the affair got. So I finally gathered up the courage and I asked. Some of his answers confirmed the worst, but for the most part my imagination had made it out to be much more than reality.
I still don't think I understand how you can exchange intimate pictures and audio files, and have day long conversations with someone without an emotional attachment, and without it being personal, but he is still standing by his opinion that it wasn't.
Ice queen That last part about emotional attachment and intimate photos, well that's the part that confused the hell out of the cow because she didn't have a concept of compartmentalism. Not to mention that the affair is mostly fantasy without guilt until dday. That's the best understanding I have from the way my h explained how he could do both sides of his life. I had a hard time understanding how you have sex without love. Oh and with someone you want to go away and leave you alone and the list goes on for the excuses I was given for why he had sex one last time with the cow! Bottom line is that was what it took for my h to feel like a worthless piece of shit and end it permanently.
Icequeen, Theresa hit on exactly what I was going to post about in response to,your question about emotional attachment. Affairs are built on fantasy and lies and many people involved are able to compartmentalize their real life and the affair fantasy. This was very difficult for me to process early on. Now, at about 2 years out, I can understand the concept although I can't say it makes sense. I'm not sure it makes sense to anyone but those who have actually been involved in an affair. It sounds like you're processing your thoughts with a great deal of clarity for only being 3 months on. Hugs!
Anon, You're right. We will be fine. Some days I see it, and some I'm too busy drowning in the pain to be able to see past it, but ultimately we will be fine. For now it's a hard road to travel, but I am so grateful for the women on here who are proof that it won't always feel this difficult.
Also, Ann, I had plenty of mind movies of all the amazing orgasms he was having with her, but I had never even thought to ask for a number. I'm so glad you mentioned it, because I did decide to ask and the answer shocked me. He said there was only once, and even that was only with the help of porn. It still hurts, but it's a small comfort to know their relationship wasn't as wonderful as it seemed.
Icequeen, So glad you got some comfort from his answer. Getting those exaggerations out of your head is one way to take good care of yourself. Asking was my best way to do that most of the time. Sometimes it was exercise or therapy. Elle had an excellent post a month or so ago about considering the source of your information. Almost all the things that were invented in my brain turned out to be a very poor source of information in the beginning. Most of the time the escapades experienced by our Hs involved so much stress and shame that enjoyment was difficult to find. Some Hs tricked themselves into believing and finding some, but it involved emotional acrobatics. Affairs are not all roses, champagne, and puppies like I imagined. At first I worried about measuring up to the awesomeness of the OW. Now I am in a place where I know in my heart that if my husband ever thought any of them were better than me, he was wrong. Also, if I ever think of women as stackable and ratable by worth again, I will be wrong about that too. His affair was dark and desperate. Whatever pleasure he got was not worth it for him. I am worthy and always have been regardless of anything my husband chose or chooses in the future. (and so are you!!) Stories that enter my head about how "great" the affairs were are much easier to dismiss now because of my new knowledge and understanding about myself, my worth, and what was real (not imagined) for him.
There's so much wisdom in the above responses. I'm particularly struck by what Theresa said. It's frustrating for those of us ruled by logic but we likely will never really understand how our husbands could have done what they did (whatever range of activities that includes). Affairs are fantasies and those involved tend to ascribe all sorts of emotions and behaviours to the other person based on, well, nothing. Delusion. Wishful thinking. An overactive imagination. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is accept that we'll never really get it...and that's not a barrier to our healing. It's an acknowledgement that our husbands are/were broken people.
Elle that is really powerful and learning to accept that we are both very different people. And also accepting that my husband was not who I thought he was. It was hard but once I moved past that I felt stronger as an individual. It helped me along with the boundaries to be assertive in a positive way. All of this just makes my husband be more drawn to me. And in the end he is so thankful and appreciative to me. And I feel proud that I worked through the hardest thing I have faced in my life. There is something about the acceptance and moving past that is so powerful, freeing and liberating.
I saw something on Pinterest that interested me. "Don't sacrifice your peace trying to point out someone's true colors. Lack of character always reveals itself in the end." And most of these OW show lack of character in the things that they have done. Granted some of our husbands do too but. the husbands that show true remorse and try to help us through their bad choices are trying to correct and rebuild their character.
It's sooooo frustrating to me though when someone sails along and I KNOW their treacherous hearts but everyone else seems to think they're perfectly lovely. Took me YEARS to be able to just wipe my hands of people like that. But that other old adage is true: Wanting revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
It's hard to know sometimes what cutting the cord means. I know that I love him, and that I want my life, my future, my dreams back.
But the hurt is so big.
The questions don't stop. I've stopped asking him them because it only causes us both pain.I have all the answers I never wanted to all the questions I never wanted to ask.
But still more questions come. They come all the time. When we are eating dinner, in the middle of the night, when I am driving down the street.
In the fist few weeks I was obsessed with knowing every disgusting detail. Now I just want to forget them. ( 16 weeks from D Day here)
How do I get back to being me? To not having every day, every decsion, every outfit I choose to ever, be influenced by this? To not questioning every move as though if I make meatloaf over tacos he will run off back to the slut. Or if my outfit isn't cute enough them he will change his mind
I stare at myself and don't know what to think. I want to feel good, feel.like I look good,but when I look at myself all I see is this sad, tired almost hollow person. This person who is carrying a huge burden.
My H revealed not only an affair but a lifelong issue that lead to the affair. Needless to say I have no idea where to go from here. Every day is just "Get through it". And it has gotten a little easier......I supposse. I hate it. I hate that this happened. Every day I hate it. I've cut the cord before with others who have hurt me. He has hurt me deeper than anyone ever in my entire life. I want nothing more than to have back the love I thought we had.
Am I fool?
I've cut out a lot of the noise, I know what I want......I just don't know if I can get over all of this enough to make it there.
You too are so early in this process. It is really hard and I honestly paired everything back for 1 year. We spent so much time focusing on us. And I worked hard to take care of myself.
One thing we started was picking one time a week to talk. This limited the focus for me on when to bring things up and his anxiety of wondering when it would be brought up. I would write in my journal often about what was on my mind. Before we would talk I would look over what I wrote and I would be able to see themes or questions that kept popping up. This helped us a lot.
It was rough but I decided fairly early on that I was going to work hard since I wanted to fight for our family. I was not sure if it was realistic but I knew I had to give it a try. I questioned him a lot. With the help of this site and my therapist we established boundaries and it made the biggest difference. But this took time and they evolved. As time went on I became more firm and actually had more expectations. My husband has stepped up but it has taken a lot from both of us. I did get to a point where I decided I should have what I deserve.
This is the hardest thing we have ever dealt with. What I did not expect was that my husband was having as hard a time as I was. I just figured since he had ended both affairs one over a year before dday that he was over it. And he had lived it all that he dealt with it. Well I was wrong. He was so focused on me getting better I would say he did not even truly start facing it all himself until 1 year past dday. That was when I really started to feel better. Now if I look back I wonder if he was not able to make himself that vulnerable when he did not know if it would work or not. It is hard to know. But he had to go through a lot but I am glad. I saw him open up like never before and that made me see how much he loved me and wanted to make it work.
As far as being yourself I had to work on that too. For a while I felt the need to be super wife. And then I realized I had done that and been everything for the affair years and it did not stop him then. I looked great, took care of our house, took care of our kids, had a great career, I did it all really well and I was positive. In the end it is about him and his issues. My husband could not come up with one thing I did wrong or that I was the cause of his affairs. He had a million other options and he did the wrong thing. So focus on what you like to do and what makes you feel good. I think when I am in a good place I send out positive energy and it makes me feel better and better.
Just make sure to be kind to your self. I have realized that it will always be pat of our marriage. And I have realized that it is important for us to focus on us and working on our marriage is our biggest priority long term.
Maiden, You sound like me at 16 weeks. The questions were terrible. The answers were terrible. I didn't think I could ever respect myself or stop feeling like a fool. I had a gut feeling that staying was the right thing to do at the time, but I couldn't figure out why I was doing it or how I would ever get over the pain and feel like myself again. Couples therapy, individual therapy, and a whole lot of running (do NOT underestimate the power of exercise to help with some of these feelings!) helped me slowly get my pieces back together although in a brand new way. I am becoming someone I'm even more proud to be than I was before. Any shame I felt in staying is gone (it was misplaced to begin with!) I am looking in the mirror and liking what I see despite anything my H chooses in the future. We are closer than we've ever been, but I also know where I end and he begins in a way I never did before. His choices are not my choices. I still have panic days, down days, days where I am not as strong as I'd like, but those are fewer and far between. You are absolutely going to be MORE than just OK. You have the potential to be more beautiful, more empathetic, more of the true you. I recently saw a quote that pointed out that in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object's history, which adds to its beauty. Hard to see that when you're first broken though!
Maiden, I am right there with you. I have cut everyone else out of my life that has hurt me. Some days my CH really shows me his remorse and his love. Other days he blurs the line of placing part of the blame on me for the marriage problems into placing part of the blame on me for the A. What he did, who he did it with, how many opportunities he had to make a different choice, who knew about it - all of it is SO ENORMOUS. It was over a decade ago. He untimately ended it and he suffered the pain & guilt but decided to keep it from me forever. Then the OW's H got angry and told me 2 months ago. So now CH wasnts me to get past it - move on - stay or go but live in the present and future. Put the past behind me since he did so long ago. I wish he would not take my desire to forgive him (still working on that) for granted and pursue me. I worry he doesn't have the patience to see me in pain for much longer. So here I am, still stuck. Staying hurts so much, leaving will hurt worse. I keep praying for him to become more of a Godly man. I think that is our only hope.
Maiden, yet again the incredible women on this site have given you really good responses. I know it feels like an eternity but this is still so raw for you. Lick your wounds, be gentle with yourself. Find whatever support you can, particularly a therapist who can help you navigate through all the grief and the anger. Continue to share here -- as you can see the wives on this site are smart and compassionate and so quick to share their experience with others to guide them toward healing. The hardest part for me was believing that the day would come when I wouldn't be consumed by pain. In fact, I didn't believe it. I accepted that the rest of my life would be agony but that was the price I would pay to keep my kids' lives stable. I was so wrong. For one thing, I don't think anyone should sacrifice their life so they can feel like a martyr. For another, the day will come -- I guarantee it -- when this is a painful experience that colours the rest of your life but doesn't define who you are or your entire marriage. It becomes a chapter in your life, not the whole book. But that takes time and it takes a commitment to healing yourself. You'll get there Maiden. In fact, I would say you're right on schedule in the way you're coping with the worst shock of your life.
I love this hug. I got through one more holiday. I didn't wig-out. My H and I had a really good time. After the holiday I read the post on BWC and my heart hurt. I tried to think why was this holiday ok? What did I do that made me ok? I got very sick after Xmas. Felt like shit got IV fluids. What helped was my husband did not leave my side for 5 days. Every time I looked up he was there sitting reading a book.
I was that woman in 2014 that had no hope the pain was too great. I took a lawn chair out in woods with a 9 millimeter gun loaded. I sat in that chair and big ugly cried. I mean the BIG SUFFERING. The gun jammed. Then I was thinking how did I go from that to me today? I tried to summarize, which is impossible, how Elle and my sister with much patience and their own time got me to see the bigger picture instead of tragic - transformational? How in the hell did she do that? I fought her too, called her out, told her she was wrong. I remember distinctly posting I will never see this as a good transformation for me.
When I got the wake-up call about my life, I could not see the bigger picture, the larger reality. Elle tried to get me to see the wake up call in the right perspective. With the right perspective, betrayal becomes either solvable or acceptable, together or alone. I would rather be able to realize "Hey LLP have you noticed your life really sucks?" Than live in a bubble. At the time I had two perspectives. There are two types of days bad ones and really bad ones.
What can I as victim of an affair save? A victim cannot save shit not even myself.
I was afraid I would never complete the “getting over it” part. I felt like giving up. Game over.
For at least two years I became attached to my circumstances. And the greater the attachment, the greater the pain. My attachment to the affair was from fear. I choose a fear existence. It felt good, fit like a soft glove and somehow made me feel better. And raging made me feel really good. But I had to eventually make a choice with lots of therapy, friends, BWC, my sister to let go of that attachment to his affair and OW. Remember several months ago I had to go therapy to learn how to happy. I had seven months of learning self compassion. Eventually the continued pain I created was my own.
Elle must have told me a million times change is a natural part of life. Instead of resisting change, labeling events of the affair as good or bad, I just waited (lethal flatness) to try to see how long the dance stayed open. I regained another perspective about his affair. I begin to choose the mental responses. How could he do this? Well he did. How could the OW do this? Well she did. He brought her into my personal space. Yes, she enjoyed my patio, porch, TV and new truck, hell she even kept offering him sex. He took it. He didn't think I cared or loved him. At the time he was a an asteroid asshole so he was right. The more I resisted change in my head and heart the more pain I experienced. The more I accepted the circumstances and didn't blame myself, the more joy I experienced. All this mental exercise drove me nuts. These aren't automatic responses. My automatic response was to make him pay, get revenge, get even, make his life a living hell. I did for a long time. I didn't know I even attaching MYSELF to his affair.
I focused on my true needs. What do I need to feel good about myself? I need to keep my body healthy with healthy food and sunshine. Ok I went to tanning bed for the sunshine. I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel loved. I need my self esteem through therapy. I needed an outlet to get away from the pain. My true needs were quite simple. I voiced those needs to the asshole asteroid and he owned his shit, stepped up to challenge of deserving a second chance.
In our culture marriage is viewed as a final destination. It is not true. It’s a middle piece, not an ending or a beginning. Healing has no deadline.
"In our culture marriage is viewed as a final destination. It is not true. It’s a middle piece, not an ending or a beginning." This is great. I saved it to my inspirational quote document I keep. I add quotes that will help me in a dark moment. This is so true and so well said! Thank you!
Lynn Less Pain, Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. In doing so you really are helping other BW heal. My CH gets a B on helping me recover and I know at some point I need to decide if I am willing to settle for anything less than an A!
I second that thought Ann. Thank you LLP, for this lovely statement. I put it at the top of today's Gratitude list to remind me to keep focused on my life.
LLP, What you wrote about becoming attached to the circumstances hit home. Thank you for putting it into words. As part of this healing, I've been trying to live in the present. It's been a struggle. The hurt and fear became sort of like a security blanket. And I guess in some way, I've chosen not to admit how much hanging onto the past is holding me back. I'll re-read this post a few more times. Thank you for this!
Wow LLP, This is great and so impactful. I can't even tell you how glad I am that the gun jammed that day. A world without you is unthinkable. I'm wondering if I could re-post this as a main blog post so that more people will see it. Would you mind? I think there's so much hope and wisdom in those few paragraphs. And Lynn, I hope you know that YOU got yourself to this place. You might have had a great team of cheerleaders but YOU did the work. You opened your heart enough to let the compassion in. And you've unfailingly shared that compassion to others on this site. I suspect that might have played a role in where you are now too. Each time you stretched out your arms to pull a hurting wife into your embrace, it softened you too. We heal in community.
Because there is no time line for how this goes. It is different for all of us.
My journey has just begun. I can only say again thank to the BWC. You all have shown me there is hope.
Some days I have felt like there was no hope. Others I have spent sending nasty emails and comments to the OW so she knows exactly want a slut she is.
None of this is healing.
Today I went outside in the sunshine. Just for a bit. I sat and felt the breeze and the sun, listened to the world. A step in the right direction I think.
I got through one more holiday. I didn't wig-out. My H and I had a really good time. After the holiday I read the post on BWC and my heart hurt. I tried to think why was this holiday ok? What did I do that made me ok? I got very sick after Xmas. Felt like shit got IV fluids. What helped was my husband did not leave my side for 5 days. Every time I looked up he was there sitting reading a book.
I was that woman in 2014 that had no hope the pain was too great. It wasn't ending getting less and I thought it wasn't going to stop. I took a lawn chair out in woods with a 9 millimeter gun loaded. I sat in that chair and big ugly cried. I mean the BIG SUFFERING. The gun jammed. Then I was thinking how did I go from that to me today? I tried to summarize, which is impossible, how Elle and my sister with much patience and their own time got me to see the bigger picture instead of tragic - transformational? How in the hell did she do that? I fought her too, called her out, told her she was wrong. I remember distinctly posting I will never see this as a good transformation for me. When I got the wake-up call about my life, I could not see the bigger picture, the larger reality. Elle tried to get me to see the wake up call in the right perspective. With the right perspective, betrayal becomes either solvable or acceptable, together or alone.
I would rather be able to realize "Hey LLP have you noticed your life really sucks?" Than live in a bubble. At the time I had two perspectives. There are two types of days bad ones and really bad ones. What can I as victim of an affair save? A victim cannot save shit not even myself. I was afraid I would never complete the “getting over it” part. I felt like giving up. Game over.
LLP- Thank you so much for spelling out the desperation so well. I too, for the very first time in my life, entertained the idea of finding a way to end things that way in the early days after discovery. It was a horrible, empty feeling. I got as far as trying to work out the best way to do it. What would have the least impact on everyone else (my parents, my son, my friends...) I could never find a way that would not destroy someone else in the process so I hung on. I'm so glad I didn't take it any farther than that in my mind. I have so much happiness now that I would have missed out on. Even happiness in my marriage (which I felt was impossible at the time). We can't be alone in our initial reaction that life needed to be/was over, so there may be someone else struggling with those feelings right now. To them I say look at LLP and myself. We both felt that way and we're so glad to still be here! It took some work, time, and love to get here but it is possible. My life is actually better now than it was post Dday (which I would have never thought possible at the time).
Re:the OW. Since 1981 I felt I was living in her shadow. Last spring I spent 1 month in serious shape due to chemo reaction. The 1 thought I couldn't rid myself of was I DON'T WANT TO DIE NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE! I took Anne Bercht's advice from her book. I made flight & hotel reservations for myself. Yes, I was planning on walking to her front door! I spent 2 months composing a letter since I didn't think she would let me say what I wanted to say before slamming the door on me. In that letter I wrote that I forgive her for me to get rid of my hate & heal from cancer. I did not forgive her for her adultery. I told her, though I was pursued by married men when I was younger, I never crossed the line like she did.(She put it in my H's head that I probably was cheating, too!) I wrote that a year ago my H found a lump in my breast (Yes, I wanted her to know that we were still intimate!) & he was my loving caregiver throughout it all. I wrote that it was I who wanted a divorce when he returned home 8/11/1981 after their "vacation" together & he begged me not to leave (She called me after & said he was only staying with me for the 3 children!). I wrote that during the years since, I went to college, got my degree & now work as a volunteer counselor (another dig, as she didn't graduate HS). With the letter 1 enclosed an article about forgiveness & cancer, 2 sayings about forgiveness I have in my office & an article about the work that must be done after an affair by the cheating spouse. Then I offered my forgiveness, if she accepts it or not, as I have a bigger foe to fight, cancer. I signed Carol, the first
PS Not only do we share the same name but she married a man with my husbands name, too! More to come.
Elle
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part of this quote is knowing it's true, but living it is so hard! God how I love your wisdom on how to lead us along this crazy path!
I just feel I'm holding the wrong end of the knife!
ReplyDeleteI do too. My therapist agreed that if he can't meet my emotional needs and answer my questions, he needs to go. I am almost at the point of cutting ties.
DeleteOh Selkie, that resonates so much. Hope you find the strength to turn that knife around. It takes additional work on ourselves to stop pointing the knife towards ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThanks, MBS. There are so many images around this 'plate' of confusion. Sometimes it feels like I'm gripping a knife, sometimes like I'm trying to eat spaghetti with chopsticks... but one day I will figure out that I can always leave this table if I don't like what's being served.
DeleteSelkie, I think it gets easier as we get better at enforcing our boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Once that becomes "normal" to us, anything else starts to just feel wrong. Pay attention to your body's signals that something doesn't feel right.
DeleteI feel like I did that a little bit today. I've continued to obsess a bit about one of the OW and search her social media posts. She's the fool I'm cutting loose from. I could not reconcile all her beautiful family photos, her professed undying devotion to her special needs son, her amazing physical fitness, her posts about the need to live an authentic life, her constant updates about every detail in her life, her posts about how caring her husband is, how many good ideas she has, quotes about how to grow and learn lessons in life, how to love yourself fully, how important spirituality is and true, honest love... etc. The quote she posted recently that really got me was, "so many broken children living in grown bodies mimicking adult lives." I just could not wrap my head around how all this "insight" was possible when I know what she did with my H. Then today I came across the definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder (look it up!), and I feel free. I do not have a degree in psychology, but I am going to go ahead and qualify myself to make this diagnosis. Now when she posts something (she posts about 5 times a day at least), I am chuckling. Her whole life is one giant, "LOOK AT ME!!" and I've been looking. Time to stop looking.
ReplyDeleteAnn, That's great that you feel liberated from her incessant "look at me" noise. Nobody's life is perfect and those who feel compelled to present this polished, glossy version are usually the ones with the most they're trying to hide. People living authentic lives don't need to tell people they are. They just do it.
DeleteGlad you used your knife to cut the tether between you and her. Now they key is to resist when you're tempted to check in again -- if you're tired, or feeling down, or feel masochistic. Just don't do it. Have a plan in place so that you can resist temptation: call a friend, walk around the block, pinch yourself.
Ann
DeleteThe woman that went after my husband was all about her family too. Except it was her nieces and nephews that she was so proud of. She isn't married, but she makes a big deal about these kids and she could have cared less about my kids who she had met. I looked up the definition of the Histrionic Personality Disorder. That wasn't the case in our mess. I think that Narcissistic sociopath is a better description for her. She was totally about having control over everything and then lying about it and put all the blame on my H. He was to blame too but this fat cow planned the whole destruction of my marriage because she had an obsession with him that was carried forward from 20 years ago when she was a teenager. (They had worked together then too.) She had 2 other women helping her carry this plan out. When it blew up in her face she tried playing the ultimate victim and I caught her in many many lies. I wanted revenge so bad, but I figured that everyone that works with her knows what a liar she is and she has to keep up that image of herself. Must be hard for her to keep the bullshit straight.
It's been 3 months and I thought things were starting to look up. Nothing more has come out since 1 month in, and he is making huge strides to correct his behavior. And yet... the last 3 days have felt like the beginning again. I talked with my individual counselor about the remaining questions I have about the affair. I've been trying to decide if they are worth asking or if it's just "pain shopping" and detail stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not decided if I want to ask, but even just having the questions written out and imagining his answers has made the pain so fresh again. I can't stop crying long enough to even make it to the grocery store. I thought the worst was over and this new wave of emotions has floored me.
When does this stop?!!
Also, I apologize if this isn't the right place for this. I'm so beyond devastated today and I can't even think straight.
Deleteicequeen,
DeleteEveryone and every situation is different, so there is no exact timetable here. I do understand your need to know that there is an end to this level of pain though! I can reassure you that things do not stay that bad. Many here will back me up on that. I can relate that "having the questions and imagining his answers" is so very painful. In my experience (and many others here) it's the "imagining his answers" part that is possibly causing you undue pain. My imagined answers were WAY worse than the actual answers. I was so glad I asked them. I did have to get to a point where I started to question my motives before asking another question. Why do I want to know this detail? What is the bigger question I'm trying to answer for myself by asking this? Am I asking to see what I'm worth to him? (well then maybe I'll just ask him what I'm worth to him) Am I asking to see if he loved me? (maybe I'll just ask him if he loved me). I wanted all the details, and I feel like I got enough of them to have a clear picture. There are some things I want to know (kinda) that I've decided NOT to ask like: Did you whisper anything to each other during the act? (how could I possibly use that info except to hurt myself? whatever they said in the moment is immaterial. I'm just trying to see my mental movie in 3D Imax quality there. Why do that?) Here is an example of a question I asked because I imagined his answer and it hurt me. I asked him how many orgasms he had. I imagined about 12. As it turns out, he had a really hard time doing that even once. The OW asked him what was wrong because he lost his erection twice. So glad I asked!! I imagined porn star stuff, but it was actually a very sad and desperate moment for him. I say if you've written it down and you still want to know, ASK. You have every right to ask anything you want. The answers may surprise you. It's also OK to decide not to ask if it is a question that you no longer care about after you've written it down. Sending you virtual hugs. I too have these wild swings from being OK to back to not OK. The not OK times are getting fewer and far between and they don't last as long either.
Ice Queen, there is no "right" place to post here so please don't apologize. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Ann (above) has given you really great advice. I love her idea about asking the question behind the question. Do you really need to know whether he whispered sweet nothings or are you looking for reassurance that you have something far more intimate? Those details can help when they turn out to be far worse than we imagined (which is often the case). But sometimes they just hurt. And we're no better off for knowing the info. Think about what you're asking, why you're asking, and then decide whether to proceed. For me, 90% of the info I asked for (and got), I can't even remember now. Ultimately, it just didn't make a difference.
DeleteAnd one more thing: Three months is really not very long from D-Day so the fact that you even feel as though you're doing okay is amazing. I could barely lift my head off the pillow at three months. So give yourself a huge pat on the back.
Ice queen..I post under Anonymous here because as of yet I'm not sure what name to use. You and I are on a very similar time line. I'm just over 3 months out from the worst day of my life.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel. This last Monday and Tuesday I was as mad as day 1. Today I am calmer
It's a totally messed up ride. None of us has the right answer. All we can do is taking a day at a time. The world is too big for me to handle right now, so I've made mine smaller. I too write down the questions.... and then wonder if I even want the answers. Some days I can move beyond the pain.....others I'm a total wreck. I'm accepting that this is my new reality. A step at a time.
We are going to be ok Ice Queen. We will make it. Even on these dark and desperate days we will make it. Tomorrow is a fresh start. And guess what, we will survive whatever it brings us. Namaste Ice Qeeen.
Ann & Elle,
DeleteThank you, thank you, thank you. I read and re-read over my list today. I crossed off several questions that had no purpose besides feeding the twisted side of my curiosity. And I really examined the underlying theme to the questions. I think the biggest question still remaining for me was how personal the affair got.
So I finally gathered up the courage and I asked. Some of his answers confirmed the worst, but for the most part my imagination had made it out to be much more than reality.
I still don't think I understand how you can exchange intimate pictures and audio files, and have day long conversations with someone without an emotional attachment, and without it being personal, but he is still standing by his opinion that it wasn't.
Ice queen
DeleteThat last part about emotional attachment and intimate photos, well that's the part that confused the hell out of the cow because she didn't have a concept of compartmentalism. Not to mention that the affair is mostly fantasy without guilt until dday. That's the best understanding I have from the way my h explained how he could do both sides of his life. I had a hard time understanding how you have sex without love. Oh and with someone you want to go away and leave you alone and the list goes on for the excuses I was given for why he had sex one last time with the cow! Bottom line is that was what it took for my h to feel like a worthless piece of shit and end it permanently.
Icequeen,
DeleteTheresa hit on exactly what I was going to post about in response to,your question about emotional attachment. Affairs are built on fantasy and lies and many people involved are able to compartmentalize their real life and the affair fantasy. This was very difficult for me to process early on. Now, at about 2 years out, I can understand the concept although I can't say it makes sense. I'm not sure it makes sense to anyone but those who have actually been involved in an affair.
It sounds like you're processing your thoughts with a great deal of clarity for only being 3 months on.
Hugs!
Anon,
DeleteYou're right. We will be fine. Some days I see it, and some I'm too busy drowning in the pain to be able to see past it, but ultimately we will be fine.
For now it's a hard road to travel, but I am so grateful for the women on here who are proof that it won't always feel this difficult.
Also, Ann, I had plenty of mind movies of all the amazing orgasms he was having with her, but I had never even thought to ask for a number. I'm so glad you mentioned it, because I did decide to ask and the answer shocked me. He said there was only once, and even that was only with the help of porn. It still hurts, but it's a small comfort to know their relationship wasn't as wonderful as it seemed.
Icequeen,
DeleteSo glad you got some comfort from his answer. Getting those exaggerations out of your head is one way to take good care of yourself. Asking was my best way to do that most of the time. Sometimes it was exercise or therapy. Elle had an excellent post a month or so ago about considering the source of your information. Almost all the things that were invented in my brain turned out to be a very poor source of information in the beginning. Most of the time the escapades experienced by our Hs involved so much stress and shame that enjoyment was difficult to find. Some Hs tricked themselves into believing and finding some, but it involved emotional acrobatics. Affairs are not all roses, champagne, and puppies like I imagined. At first I worried about measuring up to the awesomeness of the OW. Now I am in a place where I know in my heart that if my husband ever thought any of them were better than me, he was wrong. Also, if I ever think of women as stackable and ratable by worth again, I will be wrong about that too. His affair was dark and desperate. Whatever pleasure he got was not worth it for him. I am worthy and always have been regardless of anything my husband chose or chooses in the future. (and so are you!!) Stories that enter my head about how "great" the affairs were are much easier to dismiss now because of my new knowledge and understanding about myself, my worth, and what was real (not imagined) for him.
There's so much wisdom in the above responses. I'm particularly struck by what Theresa said. It's frustrating for those of us ruled by logic but we likely will never really understand how our husbands could have done what they did (whatever range of activities that includes). Affairs are fantasies and those involved tend to ascribe all sorts of emotions and behaviours to the other person based on, well, nothing. Delusion. Wishful thinking. An overactive imagination. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is accept that we'll never really get it...and that's not a barrier to our healing. It's an acknowledgement that our husbands are/were broken people.
DeleteElle that is really powerful and learning to accept that we are both very different people. And also accepting that my husband was not who I thought he was. It was hard but once I moved past that I felt stronger as an individual. It helped me along with the boundaries to be assertive in a positive way. All of this just makes my husband be more drawn to me. And in the end he is so thankful and appreciative to me. And I feel proud that I worked through the hardest thing I have faced in my life. There is something about the acceptance and moving past that is so powerful, freeing and liberating.
DeleteI saw something on Pinterest that interested me.
ReplyDelete"Don't sacrifice your peace trying to point out someone's true colors. Lack of character always reveals itself in the end." And most of these OW show lack of character in the things that they have done. Granted some of our husbands do too but. the husbands that show true remorse and try to help us through their bad choices are trying to correct and rebuild their character.
It's sooooo frustrating to me though when someone sails along and I KNOW their treacherous hearts but everyone else seems to think they're perfectly lovely. Took me YEARS to be able to just wipe my hands of people like that. But that other old adage is true: Wanting revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
DeleteIt's hard to know sometimes what cutting the cord means. I know that I love him, and that I want my life, my future, my dreams back.
ReplyDeleteBut the hurt is so big.
The questions don't stop. I've stopped asking him them because it only causes us both pain.I have all the answers I never wanted to all the questions I never wanted to ask.
But still more questions come. They come all the time. When we are eating dinner, in the middle of the night, when I am driving down the street.
In the fist few weeks I was obsessed with knowing every disgusting detail. Now I just want to forget them. ( 16 weeks from D Day here)
How do I get back to being me? To not having every day, every decsion, every outfit I choose to ever, be influenced by this? To not questioning every move as though if I make meatloaf over tacos he will run off back to the slut. Or if my outfit isn't cute enough them he will change his mind
I stare at myself and don't know what to think. I want to feel good, feel.like I look good,but when I look at myself all I see is this sad, tired almost hollow person. This person who is carrying a huge burden.
My H revealed not only an affair but a lifelong issue that lead to the affair. Needless to say I have no idea where to go from here. Every day is just "Get through it". And it has gotten a little easier......I supposse. I hate it. I hate that this happened. Every day I hate it.
I've cut the cord before with others who have hurt me. He has hurt me deeper than anyone ever in my entire life. I want nothing more than to have back the love I thought we had.
Am I fool?
I've cut out a lot of the noise, I know what I want......I just don't know if I can get over all of this enough to make it there.
Maiden,
DeleteYou too are so early in this process. It is really hard and I honestly paired everything back for 1 year. We spent so much time focusing on us. And I worked hard to take care of myself.
One thing we started was picking one time a week to talk. This limited the focus for me on when to bring things up and his anxiety of wondering when it would be brought up. I would write in my journal often about what was on my mind. Before we would talk I would look over what I wrote and I would be able to see themes or questions that kept popping up. This helped us a lot.
It was rough but I decided fairly early on that I was going to work hard since I wanted to fight for our family. I was not sure if it was realistic but I knew I had to give it a try. I questioned him a lot. With the help of this site and my therapist we established boundaries and it made the biggest difference. But this took time and they evolved. As time went on I became more firm and actually had more expectations. My husband has stepped up but it has taken a lot from both of us. I did get to a point where I decided I should have what I deserve.
This is the hardest thing we have ever dealt with. What I did not expect was that my husband was having as hard a time as I was. I just figured since he had ended both affairs one over a year before dday that he was over it. And he had lived it all that he dealt with it. Well I was wrong. He was so focused on me getting better I would say he did not even truly start facing it all himself until 1 year past dday. That was when I really started to feel better. Now if I look back I wonder if he was not able to make himself that vulnerable when he did not know if it would work or not. It is hard to know. But he had to go through a lot but I am glad. I saw him open up like never before and that made me see how much he loved me and wanted to make it work.
As far as being yourself I had to work on that too. For a while I felt the need to be super wife. And then I realized I had done that and been everything for the affair years and it did not stop him then. I looked great, took care of our house, took care of our kids, had a great career, I did it all really well and I was positive. In the end it is about him and his issues. My husband could not come up with one thing I did wrong or that I was the cause of his affairs. He had a million other options and he did the wrong thing. So focus on what you like to do and what makes you feel good. I think when I am in a good place I send out positive energy and it makes me feel better and better.
Just make sure to be kind to your self. I have realized that it will always be pat of our marriage. And I have realized that it is important for us to focus on us and working on our marriage is our biggest priority long term.
Maiden,
DeleteYou sound like me at 16 weeks. The questions were terrible. The answers were terrible. I didn't think I could ever respect myself or stop feeling like a fool. I had a gut feeling that staying was the right thing to do at the time, but I couldn't figure out why I was doing it or how I would ever get over the pain and feel like myself again. Couples therapy, individual therapy, and a whole lot of running (do NOT underestimate the power of exercise to help with some of these feelings!) helped me slowly get my pieces back together although in a brand new way. I am becoming someone I'm even more proud to be than I was before. Any shame I felt in staying is gone (it was misplaced to begin with!) I am looking in the mirror and liking what I see despite anything my H chooses in the future. We are closer than we've ever been, but I also know where I end and he begins in a way I never did before. His choices are not my choices. I still have panic days, down days, days where I am not as strong as I'd like, but those are fewer and far between. You are absolutely going to be MORE than just OK. You have the potential to be more beautiful, more empathetic, more of the true you. I recently saw a quote that pointed out that in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object's history, which adds to its beauty. Hard to see that when you're first broken though!
Maiden, I am right there with you. I have cut everyone else out of my life that has hurt me. Some days my CH really shows me his remorse and his love. Other days he blurs the line of placing part of the blame on me for the marriage problems into placing part of the blame on me for the A. What he did, who he did it with, how many opportunities he had to make a different choice, who knew about it - all of it is SO ENORMOUS. It was over a decade ago. He untimately ended it and he suffered the pain & guilt but decided to keep it from me forever. Then the OW's H got angry and told me 2 months ago. So now CH wasnts me to get past it - move on - stay or go but live in the present and future. Put the past behind me since he did so long ago. I wish he would not take my desire to forgive him (still working on that) for granted and pursue me. I worry he doesn't have the patience to see me in pain for much longer. So here I am, still stuck. Staying hurts so much, leaving will hurt worse. I keep praying for him to become more of a Godly man. I think that is our only hope.
DeleteMaiden, yet again the incredible women on this site have given you really good responses. I know it feels like an eternity but this is still so raw for you. Lick your wounds, be gentle with yourself. Find whatever support you can, particularly a therapist who can help you navigate through all the grief and the anger. Continue to share here -- as you can see the wives on this site are smart and compassionate and so quick to share their experience with others to guide them toward healing.
DeleteThe hardest part for me was believing that the day would come when I wouldn't be consumed by pain. In fact, I didn't believe it. I accepted that the rest of my life would be agony but that was the price I would pay to keep my kids' lives stable. I was so wrong. For one thing, I don't think anyone should sacrifice their life so they can feel like a martyr. For another, the day will come -- I guarantee it -- when this is a painful experience that colours the rest of your life but doesn't define who you are or your entire marriage. It becomes a chapter in your life, not the whole book. But that takes time and it takes a commitment to healing yourself.
You'll get there Maiden. In fact, I would say you're right on schedule in the way you're coping with the worst shock of your life.
I love this hug. I got through one more holiday. I didn't wig-out. My H and I had a really good time. After the holiday I read the post on BWC and my heart hurt. I tried to think why was this holiday ok? What did I do that made me ok? I got very sick after Xmas. Felt like shit got IV fluids. What helped was my husband did not leave my side for 5 days. Every time I looked up he was there sitting reading a book.
ReplyDeleteI was that woman in 2014 that had no hope the pain was too great. I took a lawn chair out in woods with a 9 millimeter gun loaded. I sat in that chair and big ugly cried. I mean the BIG SUFFERING. The gun jammed. Then I was thinking how did I go from that to me today? I tried to summarize, which is impossible, how Elle and my sister with much patience and their own time got me to see the bigger picture instead of tragic - transformational? How in the hell did she do that? I fought her too, called her out, told her she was wrong. I remember distinctly posting I will never see this as a good transformation for me.
When I got the wake-up call about my life, I could not see the bigger picture, the larger reality. Elle tried to get me to see the wake up call in the right perspective. With the right perspective, betrayal becomes either solvable or acceptable, together or alone.
I would rather be able to realize "Hey LLP have you noticed your life really sucks?" Than live in a bubble. At the time I had two perspectives. There are two types of days bad ones and really bad ones.
What can I as victim of an affair save? A victim cannot save shit not even myself.
I was afraid I would never complete the “getting over it” part. I felt like giving up. Game over.
For at least two years I became attached to my circumstances. And the greater the attachment, the greater the pain. My attachment to the affair was from fear. I choose a fear existence. It felt good, fit like a soft glove and somehow made me feel better. And raging made me feel really good. But I had to eventually make a choice with lots of therapy, friends, BWC, my sister to let go of that attachment to his affair and OW. Remember several months ago I had to go therapy to learn how to happy. I had seven months of learning self compassion. Eventually the continued pain I created was my own.
Elle must have told me a million times change is a natural part of life. Instead of resisting change, labeling events of the affair as good or bad, I just waited (lethal flatness) to try to see how long the dance stayed open. I regained another perspective about his affair. I begin to choose the mental responses. How could he do this? Well he did. How could the OW do this? Well she did. He brought her into my personal space. Yes, she enjoyed my patio, porch, TV and new truck, hell she even kept offering him sex. He took it. He didn't think I cared or loved him. At the time he was a an asteroid asshole so he was right. The more I resisted change in my head and heart the more pain I experienced. The more I accepted the circumstances and didn't blame myself, the more joy I experienced. All this mental exercise drove me nuts. These aren't automatic responses. My automatic response was to make him pay, get revenge, get even, make his life a living hell. I did for a long time. I didn't know I even attaching MYSELF to his affair.
I focused on my true needs. What do I need to feel good about myself? I need to keep my body healthy with healthy food and sunshine. Ok I went to tanning bed for the sunshine. I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel loved. I need my self esteem through therapy. I needed an outlet to get away from the pain. My true needs were quite simple. I voiced those needs to the asshole asteroid and he owned his shit, stepped up to challenge of deserving a second chance.
In our culture marriage is viewed as a final destination. It is not true. It’s a middle piece, not an ending or a beginning. Healing has no deadline.
"In our culture marriage is viewed as a final destination. It is not true. It’s a middle piece, not an ending or a beginning." This is great. I saved it to my inspirational quote document I keep. I add quotes that will help me in a dark moment. This is so true and so well said! Thank you!
DeleteLynn Less Pain,
DeleteThank you for sharing so much of yourself. In doing so you really are helping other BW heal. My CH gets a B on helping me recover and I know at some point I need to decide if I am willing to settle for anything less than an A!
I second that thought Ann. Thank you LLP, for this lovely statement. I put it at the top of today's Gratitude list to remind me to keep focused on my life.
DeleteLLP,
DeleteWhat you wrote about becoming attached to the circumstances hit home. Thank you for putting it into words. As part of this healing, I've been trying to live in the present. It's been a struggle. The hurt and fear became sort of like a security blanket. And I guess in some way, I've chosen not to admit how much hanging onto the past is holding me back.
I'll re-read this post a few more times. Thank you for this!
Wow LLP, This is great and so impactful. I can't even tell you how glad I am that the gun jammed that day. A world without you is unthinkable. I'm wondering if I could re-post this as a main blog post so that more people will see it. Would you mind? I think there's so much hope and wisdom in those few paragraphs.
DeleteAnd Lynn, I hope you know that YOU got yourself to this place. You might have had a great team of cheerleaders but YOU did the work. You opened your heart enough to let the compassion in. And you've unfailingly shared that compassion to others on this site. I suspect that might have played a role in where you are now too. Each time you stretched out your arms to pull a hurting wife into your embrace, it softened you too. We heal in community.
"Healing has no deadline" I love that.
DeleteBecause there is no time line for how this goes. It is different for all of us.
My journey has just begun. I can only say again thank to the BWC. You all have shown me there is hope.
Some days I have felt like there was no hope. Others I have spent sending nasty emails and comments to the OW so she knows exactly want a slut she is.
None of this is healing.
Today I went outside in the sunshine. Just for a bit. I sat and felt the breeze and the sun, listened to the world. A step in the right direction I think.
Hi guys .. someone gave an app for meditation it was really good but I swapped phones and can't remember what it was called?? Can anyone help me out..
ReplyDeleteXx
Insight timer
DeleteSam A,
DeleteI'm pretty sure it was Insight Timer. I downloaded it and LOVE it.
Hugs!
insight timer?
DeleteSam A, IDK but you can get EMDR on YouTube. I've used it outside of my IC's office and it helps a little.
DeleteCheers lovely ladies yes that's the one .. thanks xx
DeleteInsight Timer
DeleteWow. Think I'm going to have to try Insight Timer!
DeleteI love this hug Part 1
ReplyDeleteI got through one more holiday. I didn't wig-out. My H and I had a really good time. After the holiday I read the post on BWC and my heart hurt. I tried to think why was this holiday ok? What did I do that made me ok? I got very sick after Xmas. Felt like shit got IV fluids. What helped was my husband did not leave my side for 5 days. Every time I looked up he was there sitting reading a book.
I was that woman in 2014 that had no hope the pain was too great. It wasn't ending getting less and I thought it wasn't going to stop. I took a lawn chair out in woods with a 9 millimeter gun loaded. I sat in that chair and big ugly cried. I mean the BIG SUFFERING. The gun jammed. Then I was thinking how did I go from that to me today? I tried to summarize, which is impossible, how Elle and my sister with much patience and their own time got me to see the bigger picture instead of tragic - transformational? How in the hell did she do that? I fought her too, called her out, told her she was wrong. I remember distinctly posting I will never see this as a good transformation for me. When I got the wake-up call about my life, I could not see the bigger picture, the larger reality. Elle tried to get me to see the wake up call in the right perspective. With the right perspective, betrayal becomes either solvable or acceptable, together or alone.
I would rather be able to realize "Hey LLP have you noticed your life really sucks?" Than live in a bubble. At the time I had two perspectives. There are two types of days bad ones and really bad ones. What can I as victim of an affair save? A victim cannot save shit not even myself. I was afraid I would never complete the “getting over it” part. I felt like giving up. Game over.
LLP-
DeleteThank you so much for spelling out the desperation so well. I too, for the very first time in my life, entertained the idea of finding a way to end things that way in the early days after discovery. It was a horrible, empty feeling. I got as far as trying to work out the best way to do it. What would have the least impact on everyone else (my parents, my son, my friends...) I could never find a way that would not destroy someone else in the process so I hung on. I'm so glad I didn't take it any farther than that in my mind. I have so much happiness now that I would have missed out on. Even happiness in my marriage (which I felt was impossible at the time). We can't be alone in our initial reaction that life needed to be/was over, so there may be someone else struggling with those feelings right now. To them I say look at LLP and myself. We both felt that way and we're so glad to still be here! It took some work, time, and love to get here but it is possible. My life is actually better now than it was post Dday (which I would have never thought possible at the time).
Re:the OW. Since 1981 I felt I was living in her shadow. Last spring I spent 1 month in serious shape due to chemo reaction. The 1 thought I couldn't rid myself of was I DON'T WANT TO DIE NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE! I took Anne Bercht's advice from her book. I made flight & hotel reservations for myself. Yes, I was planning on walking to her front door! I spent 2 months composing a letter since I didn't think she would let me say what I wanted to say before slamming the door on me. In that letter I wrote that I forgive her for me to get rid of my hate & heal from cancer. I did not forgive her for her adultery. I told her, though I was pursued by married men when I was younger, I never crossed the line like she did.(She put it in my H's head that I probably was cheating, too!) I wrote that a year ago my H found a lump in my breast (Yes, I wanted her to know that we were still intimate!) & he was my loving caregiver throughout it all. I wrote that it was I who wanted a divorce when he returned home 8/11/1981 after their "vacation" together & he begged me not to leave (She called me after & said he was only staying with me for the 3 children!). I wrote that during the years since, I went to college, got my degree & now work as a volunteer counselor (another dig, as she didn't graduate HS). With the letter 1 enclosed an article about forgiveness & cancer, 2 sayings about forgiveness I have in my office & an article about the work that must be done after an affair by the cheating spouse. Then I offered my forgiveness, if she accepts it or not, as I have a bigger foe to fight, cancer. I signed Carol, the first
ReplyDeletePS Not only do we share the same name but she married a man with my husbands name, too! More to come.