Every year my husband and I hold an annual holiday party (except for that year. You know the one. The one where I could barely lift my head off the pillow, let alone host a party for four dozen of our closest friends).
This year was particularly fun. I had good friends visiting from out of town, both of whom know the whole story of me. Both of whom love me and my husband, even though they urged me on as I verbally ripped him a new one in the early days post D-Day. They, somehow, have hearts big enough to love him for how hard he worked to repair the damage he caused.
Another good friend was also at our party. Two years ago it was at our party that she confessed to me that she and her husband were separating. He had been seeing another woman. And despite appearances of the perfect marriage, it had been hell for years. He's a charming narcissist and all I saw was the charm. All she got was the narcissism.
The divorce is not settled. He fights her on every single thing just to flex his muscle. He's determined to punish her in every way he can.
Despite this constant hell, she's doing pretty well. She's a highly respected doctor who works shifts and, when she's not saving people's lives (literally), she takes care of her kids, mentors medical students and makes me laugh.
And yet, a mutual friend of ours at the party commented to me that our friend "is still pretty bitter".
Wow huh? "Still pretty bitter."
This less-understanding friend just doesn't get it. Where I see a warrior fighting every day to shield her kids from her ex's manipulations, others see someone who isn't moving on. At least not fast enough for them. Where I see someone who somehow has managed a challenging career as well as two teens with their own issues and an eight-year-old who misses his dad, others would prefer she didn't air her dirty laundry.
Seriously?
I responded that yes, she's pretty bitter though I think she disguises that bitterness brilliantly most of the time. But that this time, this particular night which she spends each year with our family and friends, she felt safe enough to share her pain. And, after all, we're her friends right? The least we can do is listen to her. To remind her she's among friends.
It's this whole culture of infidelity, isn't it? A culture that never really reveals just how shattering betrayal is and so those lucky enough to not personally experience it just don't get it. A culture that prescribes the 'kick-him-to-the-curb' response because, after all, "once a cheater, always a cheater". A culture that thinks we should be over it by some arbitrary period of time that makes everyone else comfortable. A culture that prefers to hear about infidelity on the pages of the tabloids, not in the kitchen of a house party.
A culture in which infidelity is as common as dirt but where nobody wants to talk about it, not really talk about it.
If you've found support in your real life, as I was lucky enough to do with my friends (though it took me close to a year to confide in them), then hold fast to those people. They are rare gems indeed.
And even so, you'll likely also be subject to those other people. The ones who insist that the only response to cheating is to walk away. The ones who know, exactly, what they would do if it ever happened to them, which it won't. Ever. The ones who can't believe you didn't know. That you didn't somehow kinda sorta deserve it.
Sure.
The rest of us? You'll find us here. Learning to laugh about the inane comments we endure. Remembering that we were, sometimes, those people so smug that our husband would never cheat. Ever.
We'll be here. Somedays we'll "still be bitter" and other days we'll realize that the good days outweigh the bad and amen for that. Some days we'll need a virtual hug and other days we'll be offering up high-fives like a Pez dispenser to the amazing warrior wives who are walking, every single day, toward healing.
Lots of people don't get it. I hope they never have to because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But that's okay. Because we get it. We really really get it.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I want to hug your friend and let her rant and rave and spew her bile. It is truly a gift when you have people who let you do that. No one has really allowed me that. After a few comments from family and others, including my husband, who treated me with disdain over my rage --I clammed up to everyone except my therapist. And I wasn't even that bitter and rage fuelled as most people. Anyway, only those who walk in our shoes really get it. I am trying to remember that when I find others in grief.
ReplyDeleteOne of the first casualties post D-Day (besides sleep and general well-being) was my judgement of other people. I became aware of how often I was judging other people and it was only when I knew that most people had no idea what I going through that it dawned on me that I also had no idea what other people were going through. Maybe someone cut me off in traffic because she just got a cancer diagnosis and is in shock. Maybe someone snapped at me because she just discovered her husband is banging his co-worker. Who knows, right? And life is so much easier when I just shrug and acknowledge that it likely has NOTHING to do with me. Practising compassion is cheap and easy and so much more pleasant. More importantly, practicing compassion with myself has made me a far nicer person. So yes, I felt for my friend but I also know that it's the one who responded from a place of fear and resistance who's suffering too.
DeleteAbsolutely. There is lots of suffering of all kinds to go around. My 2017 "resolution" is to remember to be kind, first and foremost.
DeleteYou know, I really feel bad for your doctor friend. She is fighting so many odds, and there is someone she socializes with, who derides her for being bitter. And it wasn't the wife who cheated!
ReplyDeleteThis trepidation of not handling other people's reactions was the reason why I chose to not reveal about my husband's infidelity...did not even share it with family.
Since I have not yet decided on whether to stay or go, I decided to not tell till my mind was clear.
St. Elsewhere, I did the same thing. I bided my time until I knew what my own decision was and then I chose carefully who I told. In some ways, I envy the people who are able to be more open about it because I often felt like I had to wear a mask. But, for me, this was the right course. I had one friend who I told early on, simply because she had gone through betrayal and I expected that she'd be able to help me, and she responded with such dismissal that it hurt me even more.
DeleteElle, please know how many women you have saved with this site.. I for one love you. I've never met anyone quite as understanding as you, you changed my whole perception of life in such a meaningful way.. I'm so happy you had your annual year party surrounded by your loved ones you deserve every bit of happiness and more... Elle and all you beautiful strong women on this site you are truly amazing ... xxxx
ReplyDeleteSam A,
DeleteThank you for that. My heart is swelling. We're a funny bunch huh? Wouldn't know each other if we tripped over each other on the street -- and yet we know each other's hearts. Amazing indeed.
Yes. Dear God, yes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'll go days, weeks even, when I'm okay, and then I'll hit a time, like these last couple of days, when my brain is caught in that loop again. When the pain, the shock, and the anger dominate, and I can't seem to shake loose of them.
And there is nobody to talk to. So you just power through. And curl up and sleep when you can. You ride out the feelings and you wait for it to get better. It will. I have to believe it will.
Phoenix, Yes, it will. You're proof of that. Those days and weeks where you're going along are giving you a blueprint of what it will be like with more time. Not that you won't ever feel pain again -- of course you will. But the dark days will become less dark and less frequent. And, as you note, you'll have the faith, when they do appear, to wait them out.
DeleteThank you for these words, my DDay was Dec 30 2015 and the only person I’ve talked to is my therapist. I just feel that none of my friends would understand that I’ve decided to work on my marriage. Heck I never would have believed that either, I always thought I would kick him to the curb, so how can I expect my friends to understand. I found this site 10 months after finding out about my husbands addiction to porn, strip clubs, massage pallor’s, then prostitutes. He was out of control the year of 2015. He spent $70,000 on one prostitute, he felt he needed to take care of her, he was with her for 1 month. Yes you read that right he spent $70,000 on a prostitute in 1 month! Paid off her charge card, wrote her a check for $20,000, bought her a car, washer and dryer, new flooring and other small things. This is how I found out, I found one of the charges on our charge card, which I never use to look at. My husband has worked on himself so much this past year. He realized he had so many childhood issues that kept walls around him and he suffered from depression since he was 10 years old. He gave up drinking, he learned that drinking was medicine to him and the walls have tumbled down. At first I thought he was changing so I would stay, now I believe these changes are for him, he says he’s the happiest he’s ever been and feels guilty that he shattered me. So being one year out I still don’t feel comfortable telling anyone my story. My friends know we are having issues and going to therapy but don’t know the reason. I really couldn’t hide my depression in the beginning from them and I lost 15 pounds that I didn’t need to lose so they all thought I was dying. I wish I could have told someone back then because I felt like I was dying on the inside.
ReplyDeleteBut today I can’t believe I can even say this, I feel stronger than ever and I try to live one day at a time and do something kind for myself! I still have sadness but I know I will survive this! The one thing that really helps me when I feel that stuck yucky feeling I turn to my husband and talk it out rather then keep it inside. This was extremely hard for me in the beginning. I used to think why would I turn to the person that just shattered me, but when the walls started coming down for both of us it became easier and easier.
I wish that I had a girlfriend I could talk to but I still feel no one could understand. I guess I’m still embarrassed and have shame I don’t want anyone looking at me like I’m weak. I know that staying and fighting for our marriage has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but worth it I’m enjoying this new marriage with my husband. Elle thank you so much for this wonderful site!
Hiking Girl, Your story is surprisingly common and yet I wouldn't have believed it and many still wouldn't. Unless you've gone through it, it sounds fantastical, doesn't it? That you could feel happy and strong in spite of the worst betrayal.
DeleteBut sometimes the pain rips us so wide open that we have no choice but to heal all the parts that we've been ignoring. Sounds as though your husband is doing that. I don't doubt that he's happier than ever. He's really living with intention for the first time in his adult life. He's lucky to have someone like you, who's able to respond to him with compassion even as you acknowledge the pain he's caused. I'm glad you found us. I hope you'll continue to share your story here. It can feel really good to talk on this site to women who know exactly what you're going through.
So true...sometimes I find the isolation suffocating. I choose to tell no one except my counselor and my best girl friend. On d-day when I threw him out I called her and asked her drop by if she had the time...that something bad had happened. When I told her what happened she was very supportive and was on my door step within mins. The next day when he called begging to come home she helped me sort out my options and feelings. I did let him come home . That was 14 months ago and we both have been working very hard since. My friend tried to be supportive but after a few months I heard a lot of "you can't think like that...or you need to get over it." She has no clue but as you said I would not wish this on her. I pray that she remains clueless. So it leaves me feeling very isolated and alone. There is a colleague at work going through a divorce ( not for infidelity) . She has chosen to share lots of details about their problems and everyone at work flocks around her with support.I know that it was my decision not to share but it is damn lonely sometimes. Thank you thank you for your words of wisdom and this site.
ReplyDeleteGage, I'm sorry your friend wasn't able to continue in her support for you. Infidelity, especially when we respond to it in a way that our culture doesn't really support, makes a LOT of people uncomfortable. But I hope you know this is about her inability to respond without imposing her own views.
DeleteThat's what makes the women on this site so invaluable. To be able to share the worst of your life, your worst thoughts, the idiot things your husband has done...and still have people respond with "me too" or "I get it" is incredibly healing. I hope you'll find that support IRL but, in the meantime, we're here. And we're grateful you are too.
This post had me in tears. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy. I have a few friends I can confide in and who support me. But there has been nothing like you, Elle, and these beautiful women on this site. You all know exactly where I am. And how I feel. The days I feel like I can't make it through, I am able to get on here and draw from all of the strength and wisdom that you all share. I cannot thank you ladies enough for being my rock through this journey. This post was amazing, thank you all so much for helping me through this. Because without you I am not sure where I would be.
ReplyDeleteKatie P, we pay it forward. I've been called on a lot in real life to support women going through what I went through. Not all of them even know I went through it (including the doctor-friend in this post) but they do know that I'll listen with compassion and that I'll support their path to healing, whether or not it aligns with my own. I've no doubt you'll do the same for others on this site and in your life, Katie P.
Deleteoh my gosh. This is a great post. I have so many issues with the messages hurled at me from individuals and society as a whole. I was betrayed by a boyfriend before my H (lucky me!!). We had dated for 7 years, so it counts as a real betrayal in my mind. I reacted as if I were an actor in a movie. I kicked him to the curb because that's what the script said. I was in tremendous pain, so I assumed (with my 22 year old brain) that this was because of my stupidity. As long as I wasn't stupid and I played by the rules, this would never happen to me again. Instead of a 12 step program, it was a 1 step. Fast forward 20 years of rule-following and being the perfect wife who chose the perfect guy and guess what? Here I am again. This time it's much more painful of course, but this time I'm determined to learn the lessons. There is no script. There is only my broken heart, my excellent mind, my remorseful husband, my strong spirit, and all of you. All those voices saying that you HAVE to do anything are wrong. There is more than one right answer. The only wrong answer is not to listen to yourself and listen only to the voices of others. It seems easier, but it's like cheating on the test. You'll have quick action and less work, but you won't learn a thing. And everyone gets retested until mastery apparently.
ReplyDeleteWow Ann. Sounds as though we've lived parallel lives. I too thought I could keep myself safe from more betrayal (every boyfriend I ever had cheated at some point) by being the perfect wife. One step indeed (though it was freaking exhausting!!). Your advice is absolutely perfect.
DeleteGoodness Ann. You said it so well. All of these comments have! So many wise women here. Of course, wishing we weren't... but here we are.
DeleteOn my best days I feel like Elle's comment above -- this experience has made me so much more compassionate. I feel like at age 45 I am finally seeing people for who they really are, and loving them anyhow.
But, on my worst days... ugh. Like Ann says, it feels like I am being "retested until mastery."
I am grateful that finally -- 1-1/2 years from DDay -- my best days are outnumbering my worst. And when they don't, I pray the words of Pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber, introduced to me on this blog -- "Blessed are those who still aren't over it yet." Amen.
My best wishes to all of you beautiful warriors in the New Year. Much love.
I've read and reread this post. I'm having a bit of post holiday stress today and this reminded me that there are plenty of us out here feeling similar to me. Thanks Elle, this site keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. I sometimes feel like there's still too many things to get done in a day but I generally just say there's always tomorrow and that chore can wait! Tomorrow is the day I usually take my mother shopping but instead she asked me to get her medication and I told her I would bring lunch. Her dementia is worse and I have a difficult time knowing if she's really as sick as she says. This site keeps me thinking and heading in what feels like the right path! Thank you for providing a place for all of us 'me too' s that stumble in this space. Now I feel a nice hot shower will help me back to my zen!
Deleteann
DeleteTested until mastery ... Yep daily!
This was perfect!!! Its been a year and three months since I was told by a good friend what my husband had been up to the previous year. The other woman confided in her and little did she know that I would find out all the details. I can't thank her enough. However, I was in a state of shock after I found out and reached out to a friend. She was my shoulder that day and the following weeks but once I decided to work on our marriage because he really wanted to plus we have three kids and most importantly I love him!! I really wish I had never told my "friend" b/c everything changed and now I'm no longer included in the group and feel like I'm always left out. No matter how old you that still hurts!! I know I should move on and focus on the many positive friendships and support I had with those that know and continued to support my husband and I. But it's easier said than done.... I didn't do anything only follow my heart and vows. Im thinking of going to therapy to address these issues. I feel like I've moved on to a better place with my husband but I'm still angry and hurt because my friends (from
ReplyDeleteThat group) have exclude me.
Anonymous, I'm sorry that, on top of the pain of betrayal, you've been betrayed by your friends. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), betrayal tends to shake up more than our marriage. I found myself reconsidering quite a few friendships after D-Day. I became far more discerning about who I allowed into my life and I became utterly intolerant of anyone who wasn't supportive of me. It meant walking away from my then-best friend, who had, more than once, created unnecessary drama in my life. It meant cooling things off with some people who gossiped more than I liked, who judged more than I liked. And it gave me the courage to pursue friendships with people who I admired for their integrity.
DeleteSo yes, it hurts. But they're doing you a favor by showing you who they are. You deserve better friends than they are capable of being. It likely triggers that teenager in all of us who just wants to be included with the cool kids. But your adult self knows better.
Therapy would be a great idea to help you sort through this. It will provide the support you need as you process so much of this pain.
This sums up so much. It is hard in my opinion facing society. I am not sure what I would have thought if a friend came to me before dday. I know I would have listened and been supportive. I am not a bossy tell someone what to do kind of friend offering up my judgments. But in the end I am not sure how much I would have helped. It reminds me when I had a friend who battled cancer several times, she would tell me what people would say to her just made her feel worse or did not help. So she would isolate. I feel that way. I have told no one. I have gone to a therapist which was very helpful and of course here is my safe place. My husband has done an excellent job but in the first 5 months and after dday 2 he suggested I go to a therapist at least to have someone for me to talk to if I did not want to talk to a friend. He was open to whatever I wanted to do. My therapist was skeptical at first since I came alone but he has been amazed and so happy with how things have worked out so far. With my husband being in the mental health field it was a little different even from my therapists perspective.
ReplyDeleteElle, I too wish sometimes I could just tell everyone. I feel like I am hiding something and I feel like others should learn from us. But I just know that the negatives outweigh the positives. There is a possibility of some supportive friends. But I am not sure if they have it in them or have the skill sets to provide what would be needed. I know it would change the dynamic of our couples get togethers for sure. And as far as family finding out I know my parents would never recover, his parents would cope better.
So in the end besides my therapist we have been there for each other. In a way I do think that has brought us even closer. It has forced my husband to work harder at this than anything he has ever done before. He has had to make drastic changes. But the reward is there. He is proud of himself, me and us for what we have been through and accomplished. And I know it means the world to him since he never thought this was possible. In a way it seems as if he appreciates me more than ever.
It took me a year to tell my 2 closest girl friends what had happened in my marriage (they both live fairly far away) and both of them said I'll be there right away!! And they came! I have never felt so loved or loved these women more and I wished I had told them sooner!!! But for so long I kept thinking reconciliation is just around the corner ..... well it wasn't. I am very lucky that most of the people in my life are supportive.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank God for my therapist because for a year he was my only support!! To any sisters relatively new here, please try and find access to therapy!! It is so helpful to help you navigate all the pain, anger, confusion, basically the roller coaster that is life post d-day.
I also found that my judgement about others lives and choices is so so dramatically reduced. And I hope it keeps dropping, judgement is not compassionate and not how I want to live any day.
I actually don't know of any of my friends or women in my life who have gone through this and I wish I did. I hope in the future if needed I can be a supportive friend. I am so grateful to Elle for this space and all the sisters here because I would have been lost without you. I think I started on this site about 4 or 5 months post day...... which seems forever ago now. The sisters here really know and understand. Thank you, love you
Becky
I too have no close friends that have gone through this. Or at least not that I know of. I am not telling anyone so I suppose they could be in the same situation. And I know from their comments they have zero idea what has gone on between my husband and me. What has continued to trouble me is we always had a better relationship even during the affair years. He was more supportive and we were closer than any of my friends or his friends are with their spouses. Now it is very different since we are extremely close and more connected than ever before. I find this hard since I always thought I was lucky. I see what my friends deal with and he was never that bad even at his worst. And who knows what goes on in anybodies life behind closed doors. I do agree I really don't judge people or lack compassion. I am also more skeptical and less trusting still. We will see where that goes in time. I still find it hard to feel close to others since they have no idea what I have been through. Now it feels like it is a major part of who I am, my history and how I see things personally and globally.
DeleteThe number of people I've told is also very limited. I have so much gratitude for those here who "get it" and for our amazing therapist who truly helped us at a time when I thought we would never get through this. It's interesting.. I have one friend who I've known for about 20 years, before either of our husbands came along. She experienced infidelity with her husband prior to their getting married. She told me about it when she found out and they attended therapy and subsequently got married. I tried to be supportive to her at the time whether I agreed with her decision or not. Looking back I'm surprised that I wasn't judgmental because at that time I would have been more of the "kick him to the curb" mindset. Fast forward about 10 years and I shared with her that my husband and I were having issues. I've never come out and told her he was unfaithful, but she knows. I know she knows. The best thing she said to me was that no matter what we were going through I could talk to her and she wouldn't judge him. I have other friends who I don't think would respond in the same way. And that's what I love best about this group is that no one here judges. We're here for each other no matter which path our marriages take. I've learned so much from you ladies about kindness, compassion and gratitude.
DeleteWhat is interesting about placing judgement in a way it makes me go back to feeling like someone is telling me it is my fault or I should have done something different or that I have some control over my husband. Again not understanding what we are going through.
DeleteThat is amazing that your friend was there to listen and not judge him. I know based on what my husband did pretty much everyone would judge him and in turn me. I don't think they would judge a short affair but he had two affairs over 10 years. They were sporadic so nothing day to day or constant but I know from their comments about others they would not understand. However what I find most interesting is I think it would make them uncomfortable since my husband and I are viewed to have the strongest marriage/relationship even over those 10 years over their marriages. That would make them feel uneasy and I think cause some distance between us.
Yes, Hopeful. I am so grateful to know that she's there. And I truly believe I could tell her everything and she wouldn't judge. I think her own experience plays a huge role in that.
DeleteLike you, I sense that many others would judge him for his actions and me for staying. And I don't want to feel like I have to defend my choices. It's hard sometimes when someone gushes about how lucky I am to have such a great husband, such a strong marriage. Yes, I do now but we've worked very hard to get here.
Dandelion
DeleteSame here, prior to dday, I told the world daily what a wonderful h I had. It's slowly coming back for us too!
Oh how I am yearning for un-bitter days! I know they'll come eventually (they have to, right?), but I also know I'm still in the early days yet (3months). I feel sad for your friend being judged like that, which is probably why I haven't shared with anyone close to me. And lonely doesn't even begin to describe it, does it.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was our 7th wedding anniversary. This is the first year we've had enough money for him to make a big deal about it, and he asked me several times if I wanted him to book us a room at this very nice hotel we used to frequent. But we have been arguing so often that I didn't even want to be confined to a room with him, so he just let it go. He did what he could to make it special, I mean everything - favorite meal, jewelry, flowers, a very heartfelt card, the works. And I was completely indifferent.
We had been 'fine' (cohabitating with little friction?), but the past week I have just not been playing nice. Something came up where I finally realized my problem - I just plain don't trust him. Which is kinda important in any relationship! I'm still not really speaking to him at the moment, but something's got to give. I finally followed you all's recommendations to find a therapist and will start meeting with her, so hopefully I will find the help I so obviously need.
I don't even know the point of all that, except to say I'm grateful for everyone who's ever even posted here. The loneliness ducks, ad even if we're not chatting in 'real time,' it's comforting to read padt articles and comments and find solace in knowing countless others have gone through this too. Much love to you all in this New Year <3
Tooyoungforthis,
DeleteYou are so early on in the process so do not be too hard on yourself or where things are at this point. I am 21 months from dday. It has felt like a roller coaster ride. There are amazing highs and then low points. It is hard to manage it all. Here is what helped me.
After dday 2 at the suggestion of my husband I went to a therapist. Besides this message board it was the best thing I did for me. My husband is in the mental health field and was resistant to going with me and with my therapist we decided that would work for our situation. My husband mainly suggested it so I would have someone for me to talk with since I chose not to share it with anyone. This has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have made. I travel pretty far to the therapist but it has been worth it. I did not want anyone in our community due to my husband's work, confidentiality and also wanting someone who is an expert in marital therapy with many years experience. I have talked through so much with my therapist and they have really helped me be more assertive and establish the boundaries I needed. I felt validated and supported which was so helpful in such a stressful down time.
I also wrote a lot in a journal. By doing this I was able to reflect back and see I was improving. It was hard to see day to day but over the course of weeks and months this was helpful. I did not write every day but used it as an outlet.
After about 2 months we decided to pick one time a week to talk or for me to ask questions. This was helpful so we both knew when we would be talking. We did not focus on this 24/7 then and even though it was daunting it was better for us to be prepared for that time together and knowing that we were in the right frame of mind. I think this was best for my husband so he could really give it his full attention and for me it helped me zero in and focus vs rambling. I would use my journal and look over what I had written that week and see what questions or topics I kept writing about and would use those to start conversations.
Once we moved past all the discovery and initial pain we worked to establish boundaries. There is a lot of info on other posts and comments on here. But this was pivotal. With what I read here and my therapist I was able to set boundaries that made me feel safe to start the idea of trusting my husband again. I always felt like it was me imposing rules on him. But in the end it is both of us establishing our expectations so that we both know where we stand and what we need from our relationship.
I could write a ton more but right now just focus on you and do not put too much pressure on what should or should not be. Take your time. It sounds like he is making an effort which is great but I tried not to have too big of expectations initially. And before holidays or special days we would talk and say what our expectations or concerns were.
In the end a lot of bad habits had been created not even just affair related but probably more to do with his shame and guilt. So it took a solid six months to break out of many of those habits and for him to feel better about himself. He was so unsure if he could live up to what I needed and expected. The good news is he has done a great job and things are better than ever. But I never thought this was possible back at the beginning.
It is so sad what family, friends, people do to hurt each other. The OW was a family member. Many in his family knew about it. They all kept it from me - for a decade. His mother blamed me for the problems in our marriage and offered him to move in with her. The OW's H called me an idiot. One of the family members said I was "pretending to be Christian". They are all out of my life permanently now. Not one of them has shown remorse or asked for my forgiveness in the role they played in damaging my H as a child or damaging our marriage.
ReplyDeleteI have one good friend at work who I confided in and found that she is also a BW from 15-20 years ago. She is now happily married to the same man. I felt awful that I stumbled on that and opened an old wound for her. But she has been a great source of support and advice.
I was always the compassionate one, the one who wanted to help everyone, forgive and forget. Well go forward forgive yes, but stay in our lives, nope. It is the first boundary I developed (I still have a lot more work to do with my boundaries with H). If you aren't supportive of my marriage stay off my property. It feels good to write that!
I wish CH's had half as much compassion as BWC. There would be less betrayal and faster healing when it did occur. God bless you all.
I told a lot of people. At two years out, I wish fewer people knew. I wish I could have cherry picked the good ones because I adore them. lol
ReplyDeleteI am more embarrassed now because I feel like things should be SOO DAMN GOOD that no one would think twice about why I kept him and instead he's just an ordinary though somewhat fucked up man LOL
In reality, lately I'm feeling disappointed with him and life in general and struggling with a lack of "safe and warm' feelings while we both hash through the two lifetimes of bullshit that got us here in the first place. The hashing is productive, we're both learning and growing but brutalized trust is a m*therfucker as this club well knows...
What I miss lately is feeling comfortable just talking about him normally - admiring or complaining depending on the day. Instead I wonder whether people are evaluating what I'm saying versus my decision to stay so I tend to just not bring him up. Add that to no ring and I was asked recently whether I had a boyfriend or a husband LOL
What amazing women on this site, and oh fearless leader Elle (really, you are fearless AND fierce) thank you so so very much for getting it, for bringing together all of us who 'get it'. the pain of staying, the pain of leaving, the pain of 1st or 2nd or god forbid, 3rd d-days. I had a HORRIFIC night last night. and found this post when I could not sleep, I've had a few sleepless nightsthis month after the H moved back in (we are only back to our home for 3 days) and he's just NOT TALKING. He's doing--but he's always 'done' things. back massages, coffee in bed, making dinner... all those things i NEVER took for granted, but right now I need words and they are NOT coming easily. I don't expect a promise that it will never happen again, he's an addict and it might, but what i want to hear is "i never want to hurt you again, thank you for giving me another chance, thank you for believing in me" and you know what? I want a big fat thank you for my compassion and empathy. when i found out he was a sex addict i read as much as I could to see what he was going through. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't sexy and it wasn't fulfilling. It was hell (when he wasn't having an orgasm) and it was exhausting. So for the 2nd time in a month i roused him out of a sleep to tell him off. I do that when I shut down--that's MY problem to deal with, I cannot keep shutting down. I needed To tell him i want him to fight for us. When i say i need to see a new therapist, i want him to FIGHT to go with me. I told him all these things and in the end he told me he feels that he can't ask for so much because he's not worthy of it. He feels like shit about what he did and HOW could i ever forgive him. In his mind I guess the more we talk, the more I could come to the conclusion that this just isnt worth it. But a good chuck of me still thinks it might be, so I made an appointment with the sex addiction specialist therapist who also treats partners. He was willing to see me alone, but the H has decided he will come too. Probem is He's a smart guy and he thinks he has it all figured out, but that's his addiction talking. It didnt work with drinking for the 5 years we had conflicts over that, It didnt work when he white knuckled it after he thought he had that figured out so we need help. It's hard to believe that I am still here with him sometimes, even I DON'T GET IT--but collectively, I think that we here at BWC do. Forever grateful for those of us here. Long may we run.
ReplyDeleteSteam
DeleteWords...real words...that's exactly what I crave only my h has said those I don't ever want to cause you this much pain and I've never been this happy before...I'm sorry is repeated regularly but and there's always The But, I crave hearing words he can not utter because he isn't emotionally capable. I'm not sure he even knows love in the same way I feel it. But and here's the biggest but, he shows me in so many other ways how sorry he is that there is a cow in our history now and he shows me he loves me by the choices he's making now. I'm so hoping your new therapist can help your h with his addictions! I'm a realist so like you, I don't think he'll ever cheat again but, he's a man so unless his tally falls off, he could be out there doing the same sad dance! Here I am running into 2017 right beside you and all the others!
Update on words...last night my h said you are so beautiful for the first time in I don't know how long and usually he just says, you look nice. Now if he can add a few more words to his vocabulary I could begin to feel normal instead of tense!
DeleteOne of the hardest things about dealing with betrayal is the person we most want to help us is frequently so emotionally messed up that it's all they can do to keep their own heads above water. And I suspect that's the issue with your husband, Steam. He's supremely fucked up. He's been lying to himself for so long, he barely knows what truth looks or feels like. And yet...when our husbands are in this state, we nonetheless expect them to behave like emotionally healthy and rational people.
DeleteThey can't. Not right now.
Whether they ultimately can remains to be seen. And that's where we have to decide whether we're willing to wait or whether we're going to cut and run. Either choice is completely valid.
If you're going to wait, then you need to wait. You need to understand that he cannot be who you need him to be right now. You can and should communicate your needs. But your'e going to have to shelve so many expectations right now because he's going to need to focus so hard on working through his own demons. And shame is so so powerful. It's paralyzing. His conviction that he's worthless, that he doesn't deserve to have you is keeping him small and silent and hopeful that you won't really notice that he's there because then you might insist that he leave. So he tippy toes around. He tries to anticipate what you need in ways that he can provide.
So...you note that he thinks he's got it all figured out. He doesn't. You're right. That is his addiction talking. And until he can admit that he's utterly helpless against these addictions, then his healing can't begin.
But yours can. So that's where you start. You can watch him and see if he begins to get it. And, for his sake, I hope he does. But you can't make him get it. Focus on you. On what you need right now that's within your control. Begin there.
I know exactly what your friend feels. I too am a woman physician and while I was busy saving lives my CH was betraying me. I can't begin to tell you the added pain of how much women physicians sacrifice - delaying starting a family, a husband who becomes jealous of your success over time and then to top it off with the ultimate betrayal of him telling the OW what a horrible person I was then driving hours to screw her. He ultimately ended it and it was mostly email complaining about their spouses, sexting, 1x in the backseat of our family car and then another failed attempt more than a year later. I am 2 months from Dday. We are in MC and some days we make great progress and others we have a big step back. I am so nurturing I often end up the one consoling him when he feels bad about himself for what he did. He hasn't done much building me back up. My biggest worry is that I will never get over the enormity of what he is capable of doing without regard to how his actions affect others. I feel awful for your friend. So glad she has you, Elle. Teach those who don't understand ladies. I think the biggest steps in healing yourself are when you have the opportunity to help someone else. That is why we are on this earth - to serve each other. Our CH's got it completely wrong when they betrayed us.
ReplyDeleteI have read this post and all the comments a few times. Some of you ladies write as though from my own heart. I am so grateful to have found this tribe of brave women, these broken souls who have chosen to rise up and say "I am not going to let this be the end of my story, I can survive this." Ladies it is so amazing to read your words. You give me hope, you help me see this is not my shame or my fault. You help me, and I hope some day my words will help one of you.
ReplyDeleteI am just shy of 4 months from DDay. I got the privilege of being lied to about the whole truth for about 2 weeks and then got a second D day......without going into all the details let's just say life as I knew it ended. Stopped. The world ended. And it's taken until now for me to be able to get through a day without locking myself in the bathroom and crying for hours every day.
I've started therapy. I've looked deep within and realized that for me the only way to move on is to move forward, together. My H and I are giving it all we have to rebuild. Because under all the pain we still have real love. I hope we make it. Some days I think I'm a stupid idiot and I should run as fast and as far as I can. Other days I hate his guts. More days now there is hope. There have been smiles, and genuine laughter, and a lot of tears. A lot of angry words. A lot of begging to understand WHY????? and HOW???? A lot of him begging me for one single chance because he swears he will never f this up again.
I've told only 2 people the whole truth of my life right now. One is my therapist, the other is my sister, and I wish she didn't know. My best friend knows something is up, but I haven't told her much other than we had a huge relationship altering fight.
Sadly this experience, this baring of the truth, has changed all my relationships. But I cannot explain it to them. I cannot tell my family or friends. It has inadvertently shown what relationships in my life were real, and which ones were just surface level.
My sister chose this year to visit at xmas. I wanted her to get it, to see I am not able to handle that right now, but she didn't get it. She just didn't see or care that I was so fragile, still in so much pain. She actually said we seemed good and like it wasn't an issue. OMG. IT'S AN ISSUE. IT'S A HUGE FREAKING ISSUE. I just was faking it as best I could for her visit. I wish I hadn't told her. I wish I could just carry this alone.
I mean yeah we are working on it, we are here each day in the trenches. Some days are good. Some are awful. Some are......nothing at all. A lot of the last few months the has felt like walking through my life. Like it's not really my life. There have been some good times, some healing has started. I'm relieved to have the holidays over. On d day I remember thinking about xmas and how the hell that was going to work. I'm glad we survived it. It was eye opening though. Made me realize that unless you have known this pain, have walked this path yourself, you just aren't going to get it. And as hurt as I was that my sister wasn't the support I needed, I realize it's not her fault. I'm glad she doesn't get it. I hope she never has to know or own this pain. Because it's hell on earth.
I'm glad to find you ladies. We are not alone. I am not the only woman out there who has felt this way, or chosen to try and reclaim my marriage. And it's ok if everyone else doesn't get it.
Thank you for getting it.
SO I finally gave in that I can not sleep on my own and called my GYN who is an old friend and told her the story (she delivered our son just weeks after my CH drove 2.5 hours to screw his cousin's wife in the backseat of our family car after he moved our daughter's car seat out of the way). Anyway, she revealed to me that her H also cheated on her while she was pregnant and busy saving lives. I know other women physicians who have gotten divorces because of infidelity. I wish I would have never chosen this career. While we were taking care of sick people we get betrayed. I would NEVER advise anyone to become a doctor. And I hope when the OW needs medical attention there is no one to help her.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous (4 months from d day): I can honestly say I've told 3 close friends that are from different parts of my life (childhood, college and current life) None of them check in on me. If there's one thing I get, is that checking in is critical, because things change fast, triggers, etc and you struggle daily. You think of that really bad problem that you deal with temporarily and you wake each day and "ping" there it is. Thing is, that temporary problem usually goes away. This doesn't seem to go away for me anyway, it's always the fog in my day that I try to clear out, distract and get out of my head. It remains daily.
ReplyDeleteI think it's hard for another to understand. I have a neighbor that divorced her husband as he had an affair, co-signed on a house for the gal, bought her a car and then left his wife + 2 kids (one being autistic) I remember hearing what happened and was like...damn that is rough. She's got younger kids, so we speak, but not really in the same circle. Did I speak to her, did I check in, did I console her. Nope. I could not relate and my life hadn't hit that yet. This was 2 years prior to my d day. I had no clue what she was going through. So for your sister, that's all I can think...she can't possibly relate if she just doesn't ask or assumes you can get over it. Esp at Christmas! All days are hard, but it seems like any day where you are looking back, surrounded by family and expectations, it's HARD.
I can say I've learned to be more understanding to everyone and give them the benefit of my doubts. I know many days I've been quiet, not myself and nobody...nobody says a word. Really? It's not like I want them to dig deep, but I get nothing. So yeah, I somewhat understand when you say it's changed your relationships. All I can think of is, this is a teaching moment for us too. Be more compassionate in life, empathetic, help others, because life is tough and everyone you know is going through something. Some hide it well...like us. A smile, a new coat of lipstick and we got this. When inside we are crushed and at times unable to make the effort to interact and live. Hang on. I never thought I would see 21 months out. You got this. You got us. You are on a path :)
I am 8 months in. One day is good and the next sucks. He wants a second chance but I question ever day. How do I move forward with the right choice? And what is the right choice? Married 35 years.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteWe start by knowing there is no "right" choice. Choose what feels right at this moment. Your next right step.
He wants a second chance? What is he doing to show you he deserves that second chance? Is he willing to figure out why he cheated on you? Is he willing to support you emotionally as you process the deep pain of betrayal? Is he willing to rebuild a marriage based on total honesty and commitment and respect? It takes a really long time to work through betrayal. It's a trust violation and once lost, it takes a long time to get back. Is he up to it? And what do you want? Right now. Today. Figure that out but don't feel as though there's a "right" response to this. We each get to clear our own path.
I have told no one. Only my doctor. She asked how I sleep beside him? That doesn't help.
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