That's what it feels like when you finally realize that the pain no longer holds you hostage and you feel free to finally be happy again! Even if you still have a few bad days, the good and happy comes back! Here's to hoping some more on here find freedom!
Is it weird to say I'm not afraid of being hurt or feeling pain anymore? I know I will be hurt again. That's the reality of being a human. It sucks and is a miracle all at the same time. I'm just not so afraid of being hurt. I know I can handle. Lean into it even, like a wave and let it wash on by.
Still Standing Yes! That's the reality that I too am finding! I'm learning that we're vulnerable to a whole array of hurt and pain but this experience has left me knowing that no matter what new pain comes my way and as you say it's inevitable given that it's a part of life, I'm a stronger woman and that this too shall pass!
I return to this blog because many of you assure me this freedom is possible. Thank you for hope. I am not there yet. My pain is lingering and thinking about it returning full force in the future frightens me. It felt like a living thing inside me, choking me. I am able to remind myself I'm not that girl anymore. I can live thru bad things happening to me, it did not kill me. Ahh, baby steps!
Please keep the encouragement coming! It has been so helpful to me to read of your phases and general time tables, and look into my own.
Truth The time table is different for each and everyone of us and it takes as long as it takes! It's not easy so don't think just because some of us are further down this path but don't give up hope because as long as you are breathing, there's always hope for a better day and a better life!
Truth, I am 2 years and 2 days past D-day and as I type this I can reflect on how far I've come since my world blew up. I'm married 38 years to a man whose early history remained hidden until he disclosed to me. It has been the hardest two years of my life, worse than probably anything I've ever experienced and I've experienced a LOT of trauma in my life. I am better than I was and sometimes I actually feel great. It often feels like the dark cloud over my head gets darker and lighter at times but it is still hovering there just waiting for a triggering event to let the thunder and lightening come at me. I am aware of it now. It isn't nearly as big and scary as it was. With counseling, reading, two mindfulness classes, yoga, medication, exercise, healthy eating and simply talking myself into getting up every day at times, I'm doing better all the time. Only my best friend and therapist know about my husbands history of porn, massage parlors and prostitutes. Just typing this is hard. He has been able to maintain his sexual sobriety since D-day which is something many men are unable to do. Will it last? I don't know. He says he will never go back to the way it was again. We have a much more open and honest marriage now. We talk about everything. His deep shame and unhealthy sexual history go way back to his early childhood experiences, which he brought into our marriage although I never knew. He discovered so much of his past during the early days of our trauma when he did go to counseling alone and with me. He has worked on his own mind through reading, meditation and yoga. He is highly motivated to remain sane. Pain lingers, of that I am aware. I had my meltdown/breakdown two days before D-day anniversary. On D-day we picked up food for a friend and waited at the bar while it was cooking. We each had a drink. I don't recall what happened but I had the best belly laugh I've had in two years and he immediately looked at me and said, "I love to see you laugh, I love you so much." It is like for him, the light finally went on and now he is desperately afraid to lose me again. I try to focus on all that is good about him, us and me. Sometimes I get really snarky inside and allow myself to go down that pain lined path again but I suffer deeply when I do. It takes me a long time to get back to even. I'm committed to giving myself time. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. As long as he doesn't slip up or relapse I am OK. I sat down with an attorney early on so I know my rights in my state. I've thought a lot about divorce and how it might affect my adult kids and grand kids and me. I don't even allow myself to think how divorce might affect him because if I decided to go down that road I honestly don't care how it would affect him. I am just now beginning to believe that he truly never set out to become the person he became so it is getting easier to have self-compassion and to let go of some of that anger that served to protect my heart. He still has a ton of pain inside and he is not yet ready to go there. Maybe he will never go there. As long as he does what he needs to do to stay sexually sober, open to life, honest with me and others I'll give him the grace to walk his path. I'm very clear on what I want in life and I'm unlikely to settle for anything less. If you have the opportunity and ability to take a class on mindfulness meditation maybe you can find some peace. We only have this day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may not come. Each baby step moves you forward. It's OK. Come back. We are a soft spot to land. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will be wallowing deeply in the belly of the beast again and you can remind me that I only need to keep breathing today and that baby steps still move me forward. Peace and love to you.
Thank you Theresa and Beach Girl for your kind words. They feel like a warm hug. BG thanks for going thru the emotions of sharing your painful journey. Been thinking of you the last few days!! That one's behind you now. I got tears reading about that belly laugh. Bet that felt good! Boy are those things few and far between!! I will continue on, looking for beauty and joy in the moment. Maybe consider some classes. Believing you all that there's better days/life ahead. Love to all you beautiful, strong people!
In my marriage I knew something was wrong . I accepted pain for the last 2 years of our marriage as normal before d day. I am 18 months past d day now. He is doing everything right now . Just having a hard time getting past what he and she put me through. Plus during the last year she moved to our hometown . So I see her. It is hard.
Part One - This is LLP I didn't write this but wanted to share it.When you cheat, know this: You will break her. Like the violent shattering of glass as it crashes to the ground. You will not just break her heart. You will break her trust. You will break her spirit. You will break her joy. You will break her belief in love. You will break her sense of self. When you cheat, know this: She will not sleep—not through the night, as she counts the cracks in the walls at 3 am, seeking answers from a God she didn’t think she believed in. She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind. She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore. When you cheat, know this: It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are brilliant,” as “but not brilliant enough.” It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.” When you cheat, know this: She will cry. She will sit at her desk until 7:30 pm too embarrassed by tears streaming silently down her face to get up and go. She will curl into a ball on her best friend’s living room floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—and rather than tell her to get up, he will sit down next to her and say, “I’m here.” She will get a lump in her throat anytime she walks past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely. She will rage. She will snap at friends, family and colleagues for no apparent reason at all. When they are stung by her anger, her cheeks will burn red with shame. She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter—if only she were more, it would have made a difference. She will throw a picture frame at the wall, and be too dumbfounded to clean the blood off her finger when she cuts it picking up the pieces. She will scream into the wind by the river, wondering what she did to deserve feeling this way, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her. She will not feel. She will be turned by shock into the same stone she uses to build walls to keep people out. She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible.
Part 2 And then she will feel everything at once. She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught—she will feel bewildered and betrayed. She will feel foolish, frenetic, fraught and full of fear. She will feel hate—toward you, toward them, toward herself. She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet yearns to let go. When you cheat, know this: She believed in you. She believed in romance—and that a chivalrous manner meant chivalry in all manners of the heart. She believed in honesty—and that being honest with your partner first meant being honest with yourself. She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being played a fool. She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do. She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth. She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between. But if you cheat, know this: You will break her, but she will grow back stronger. You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly in the dark. You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards. You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, release, and beauty in the breakdown. You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition better than before. You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again. You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her.
Lynnlesspain I'm pretty sure that whoever wrote those words has had to stumble down a similar path as each one of us that has found ourselves wearing these shoes! I remember each step through those early months of roller coaster feelings! I'm becoming that stronger woman for myself as well! That feels pretty darn good! Thanks for sharing this!
I can't pretend that i am no longer afraid of pain, but there a some things that i am not longer afraid of. The biggest is doing things for myself; putting myself first. I would write more, but i'm about to leave my house to do a tandem skydive for the first time. This is a thing i have wanted to do for 20 years, but never did, because it was too much money to spend on just me! Not anymore. We all have our own lives to lead. As wives and mothers we spend most of time dedicated to other people. Thank you to Elle and all of the strong beautiful warriors on this site. Your strenght inspires me. Sadie. xxxx
Thank you Sam. It was amazing and I loved every minute. I thoroughly recommend it!! Of course I'm back to earth with a bump, the fight to save our marriage continues. Sadie xx
That's what it feels like when you finally realize that the pain no longer holds you hostage and you feel free to finally be happy again! Even if you still have a few bad days, the good and happy comes back! Here's to hoping some more on here find freedom!
ReplyDeleteI hope so too Theresa. Once we let go of that fear of being hurt again, we're free to move forward in our lives with our hearts wide open.
DeleteIs it weird to say I'm not afraid of being hurt or feeling pain anymore? I know I will be hurt again. That's the reality of being a human. It sucks and is a miracle all at the same time. I'm just not so afraid of being hurt. I know I can handle. Lean into it even, like a wave and let it wash on by.
ReplyDeleteStill Standing
DeleteYes! That's the reality that I too am finding! I'm learning that we're vulnerable to a whole array of hurt and pain but this experience has left me knowing that no matter what new pain comes my way and as you say it's inevitable given that it's a part of life, I'm a stronger woman and that this too shall pass!
I return to this blog because many of you assure me this freedom is possible. Thank you for hope. I am not there yet. My pain is lingering and thinking about it returning full force in the future frightens me. It felt like a living thing inside me, choking me. I am able to remind myself I'm not that girl anymore. I can live thru bad things happening to me, it did not kill me. Ahh, baby steps!
ReplyDeletePlease keep the encouragement coming! It has been so helpful to me to read of your phases and general time tables, and look into my own.
Truth
DeleteThe time table is different for each and everyone of us and it takes as long as it takes! It's not easy so don't think just because some of us are further down this path but don't give up hope because as long as you are breathing, there's always hope for a better day and a better life!
Truth, I am 2 years and 2 days past D-day and as I type this I can reflect on how far I've come since my world blew up. I'm married 38 years to a man whose early history remained hidden until he disclosed to me. It has been the hardest two years of my life, worse than probably anything I've ever experienced and I've experienced a LOT of trauma in my life. I am better than I was and sometimes I actually feel great. It often feels like the dark cloud over my head gets darker and lighter at times but it is still hovering there just waiting for a triggering event to let the thunder and lightening come at me. I am aware of it now. It isn't nearly as big and scary as it was. With counseling, reading, two mindfulness classes, yoga, medication, exercise, healthy eating and simply talking myself into getting up every day at times, I'm doing better all the time. Only my best friend and therapist know about my husbands history of porn, massage parlors and prostitutes. Just typing this is hard. He has been able to maintain his sexual sobriety since D-day which is something many men are unable to do. Will it last? I don't know. He says he will never go back to the way it was again. We have a much more open and honest marriage now. We talk about everything. His deep shame and unhealthy sexual history go way back to his early childhood experiences, which he brought into our marriage although I never knew. He discovered so much of his past during the early days of our trauma when he did go to counseling alone and with me. He has worked on his own mind through reading, meditation and yoga. He is highly motivated to remain sane. Pain lingers, of that I am aware. I had my meltdown/breakdown two days before D-day anniversary. On D-day we picked up food for a friend and waited at the bar while it was cooking. We each had a drink. I don't recall what happened but I had the best belly laugh I've had in two years and he immediately looked at me and said, "I love to see you laugh, I love you so much." It is like for him, the light finally went on and now he is desperately afraid to lose me again. I try to focus on all that is good about him, us and me. Sometimes I get really snarky inside and allow myself to go down that pain lined path again but I suffer deeply when I do. It takes me a long time to get back to even. I'm committed to giving myself time. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. As long as he doesn't slip up or relapse I am OK. I sat down with an attorney early on so I know my rights in my state. I've thought a lot about divorce and how it might affect my adult kids and grand kids and me. I don't even allow myself to think how divorce might affect him because if I decided to go down that road I honestly don't care how it would affect him. I am just now beginning to believe that he truly never set out to become the person he became so it is getting easier to have self-compassion and to let go of some of that anger that served to protect my heart. He still has a ton of pain inside and he is not yet ready to go there. Maybe he will never go there. As long as he does what he needs to do to stay sexually sober, open to life, honest with me and others I'll give him the grace to walk his path. I'm very clear on what I want in life and I'm unlikely to settle for anything less. If you have the opportunity and ability to take a class on mindfulness meditation maybe you can find some peace. We only have this day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may not come. Each baby step moves you forward. It's OK. Come back. We are a soft spot to land. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will be wallowing deeply in the belly of the beast again and you can remind me that I only need to keep breathing today and that baby steps still move me forward. Peace and love to you.
DeleteThank you Theresa and Beach Girl for your kind words. They feel like a warm hug. BG thanks for going thru the emotions of sharing your painful journey. Been thinking of you the last few days!! That one's behind you now. I got tears reading about that belly laugh. Bet that felt good! Boy are those things few and far between!! I will continue on, looking for beauty and joy in the moment. Maybe consider some classes. Believing you all that there's better days/life ahead. Love to all you beautiful, strong people!
DeleteI'm with you still standing, pain is a part of life we all endure at some point.. face it head on xxx
ReplyDeleteIn my marriage I knew something was wrong . I accepted pain for the last 2 years of our marriage as normal before d day. I am 18 months past d day now. He is doing everything right now . Just having a hard time getting past what he and she put me through. Plus during the last year she moved to our hometown . So I see her. It is hard.
ReplyDeletePart One - This is LLP I didn't write this but wanted to share it.When you cheat, know this: You will break her. Like the violent shattering of glass as it crashes to the ground. You will not just break her heart. You will break her trust. You will break her spirit. You will break her joy. You will break her belief in love. You will break her sense of self.
ReplyDeleteWhen you cheat, know this: She will not sleep—not through the night, as she counts the cracks in the walls at 3 am, seeking answers from a God she didn’t think she believed in. She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind. She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.
When you cheat, know this: It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are brilliant,” as “but not brilliant enough.” It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.”
When you cheat, know this: She will cry. She will sit at her desk until 7:30 pm too embarrassed by tears streaming silently down her face to get up and go. She will curl into a ball on her best friend’s living room floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—and rather than tell her to get up, he will sit down next to her and say, “I’m here.” She will get a lump in her throat anytime she walks past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely. She will rage. She will snap at friends, family and colleagues for no apparent reason at all. When they are stung by her anger, her cheeks will burn red with shame. She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter—if only she were more, it would have made a difference. She will throw a picture frame at the wall, and be too dumbfounded to clean the blood off her finger when she cuts it picking up the pieces. She will scream into the wind by the river, wondering what she did to deserve feeling this way, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her. She will not feel. She will be turned by shock into the same stone she uses to build walls to keep people out.
She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible.
Part 2 And then she will feel everything at once. She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught—she will feel bewildered and betrayed. She will feel foolish, frenetic, fraught and full of fear. She will feel hate—toward you, toward them, toward herself. She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet yearns to let go.
ReplyDeleteWhen you cheat, know this: She believed in you. She believed in romance—and that a chivalrous manner meant chivalry in all manners of the heart. She believed in honesty—and that being honest with your partner first meant being honest with yourself. She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being played a fool. She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do. She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth. She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between.
But if you cheat, know this: You will break her, but she will grow back stronger. You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly in the dark. You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards. You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, release, and beauty in the breakdown. You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition better than before. You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again. You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her.
Lynnlesspain
DeleteI'm pretty sure that whoever wrote those words has had to stumble down a similar path as each one of us that has found ourselves wearing these shoes! I remember each step through those early months of roller coaster feelings! I'm becoming that stronger woman for myself as well! That feels pretty darn good! Thanks for sharing this!
LLP, very profound! Thank you for sharing.
DeleteI can't pretend that i am no longer afraid of pain, but there a some things that i am not longer afraid of. The biggest is doing things for myself; putting myself first. I would write more, but i'm about to leave my house to do a tandem skydive for the first time. This is a thing i have wanted to do for 20 years, but never did, because it was too much money to spend on just me! Not anymore. We all have our own lives to lead. As wives and mothers we spend most of time dedicated to other people.
ReplyDeleteThank you to Elle and all of the strong beautiful warriors on this site. Your strenght inspires me. Sadie. xxxx
How cool Sadie : ) .. please let us know how you got on .. good luck and best wishes xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Sam. It was amazing and I loved every minute. I thoroughly recommend it!! Of course I'm back to earth with a bump, the fight to save our marriage continues. Sadie xx
Delete