I wonder what others are thinking. I immediately thought of the whisper I hear 'you aren't strong enough to withstand the future if it holds as much pain and loneliness as the past'. I still can't for 100% certainty say that's a lie, yet. To those of you 'already there', thank you for continuing to encourage the rest of us lagging behind that we will be able to call that lie someday. What would I do without this blog?!
Truth I'm pretty sure most of us believed that lie not good enough or what ever, just fill in the blank. I'm one of those people who sure did! It brought back my old childhood hurt and so I had to spend months getting through those while learning to accept the fact that my h made his choices and it wasn't because there was a lacking in me, it was what was lacking in him. I'm not sure how to tell when you get to the other side of the pain and disappointment, it's different for us all, but the biggest change for me came when I realized that I couldn't nor wouldn't allow myself to be stuck in miserable pain but because I'm a strong woman, I can control my own happiness and if my h wants to be a part of that happiness, he has to work as hard on our relationship as me and only then could we begin to share happiness together! It's a daily choice! Hugs!
What Theresa wrote holds true for so many of us. Betrayal confirms for us our deepest fears about ourselves. That we are not worthy of love, of loyalty, of belonging. But those fears are based on lies and betrayal also opens us up to the opportunity to correct those lies. We are worthy of love, we are worthy of loyalty, we are worthy of belonging. That has always been true.
To me this was my husband for years even before he had his affairs. Now it is so obvious to me it was about his insecurities and boosting his ego. At the time I did not understand it. After going through this I do feel stronger than ever. I am not always sure what to do or how to handle a situation or my feelings but I know I will make it through this. I know he sees this in me and he has told me how thankful he is for this second chance and he knows he only gets one.
Truth, The whisper definitely lies! But it seems a convincing lie, doesn't it? The thing is, the whisper tries to distract your attention from the fact that you're not going to allow yourself to end up in a position again where such hurt can be inflicted, because you have changed. That's not to say no one will ever be a jackass to you again. People haven't changed much, but you have! You are stronger now for having been through hell. I think that's the paradoxical outcome, having gone through hell we expect we will have been weakened by it, yet the opposite is true. Going through hell and getting to the other side of it will leave you stronger for it, a little exhausted maybe, but stronger! If you have watched Fried Green Tomatoes, then you'll join me in a shout of "Towanda!" (And if you haven't seen Fried Green Tomatoes, it is a must watch!! It's not about betrayal, but about women being made to feel less than, but having NONE OF IT. TOWANDA!!!)
Periwinkle, Your words felt like strong hands under my arms, lifting me up again, helping me stand, pointing the way forward again. Thank you!
I've been hanging out in this place I call the 'dull ache of reality'. H is thrilled when all looks 'back to normal' and nothing freaks me out more then when life resembles 'back to normal', since that is confusion in my mind. You have encouraged me. ps i will watch the movie this weekend!
8 months ago I believed the lie. Since my "fuck this shit" moment on 6/20, I now fully know what it means to be the storm. While I dislike how my transformation came about, I am truly grateful for the changes I desperately needed to make. Parts of me died and now I know I allowed that death to occur so there was room for the new me. The stronger, compassionate, worthy, perfect as I am me. I chose to travel this harsh and grueling road in love and forgiveness for myself and my husband. I didn't want this journey to be done with malice in my heart. I didn't want to be bitter and stew in a festering pot of unhappiness and resentment. Even when he was on the fence I didn't hate him. Instead, I grew stronger and fearless and for that I am grateful. I don't regret the days spent in bed crying, the times I called him out in his bullshit, the isolation I've experienced in order to heal, the xanax I consumed, the weight loss, the friends that left. I regret nothing. His affair did me more good than bad...never thought I'd say those words but they are true...and I am grateful. Elle, thank you for this lifeline. I'm sorry for the reason we are all here but again, this is one of the good things that came from "his" affair and I am so incredibly grateful. Storm on ladies. WE will transcend ♥
I agree and have to remind myself of all the good that has come of this. I would have never wished it upon myself or anyone else but I can see so much good. For me Dday was so sad and hard but also made me understand so much. it was a major ah ha moment and I no longer blamed myself or felt bad for what I did not understand in our marriage. And it was good for him to have to be by my side through all the pain and work hard to repair our marriage. I think that was crucia and has brought us closer together. And for him to see how I have dealt with this and how strong and determined I have been has allowed him to see and respect me in a new way.
I am 14 months out...I find it hard to move on with my H. He says I need to relax but it is always on my mind. And intimacy...so hard. How do I get passed all of this?
Anonymous July 4 I'm so sorry for what you are living through! It's a hard road to walk with many times stepping back before moving forward! I don't know if you have a therapist but I suggest you get one that can help you through the parts that are holding you back. My first fourteen months were spent just getting rid of the ow with the help of the judge, she was a bit crazy, and I remember how hard that time was. I'm not sure that I can describe it as getting passed any of this but what I can say is I finally came to terms with I can't change the past and I will never excuse his choice for the affair but I accepted that he was truly remorseful and he was the one that convinced me through his actions that our marriage was/is worth working on daily. It's not easy but if you're both willing it really can eventually become a better stronger marriage! It's up to him to help you through the hard feelings and he has to accept full accountability for his choices. Start by allowing yourself to believe it can get better and that it doesn't matter how long it takes for you to move forward because you don't just wake up one day and you're past it all, it happens slowly bit by bit through everyday life choices made by each of us and our spouse! Intimacy....Still working through that one as my h is an avoider of confrontation and expressing his feelings intimately is beyond his capability. One of his flaws that I learned from the beginning of our marriage through his affair and have accepted. Intimacy is different for every couple. Hugs!
Thanks Theresa..I don't have a therapist. I am trying to manage it all. Just like I always do. I have so much sadness..everyday I have thoughts, I remember now when he changed..the little things. So wishing I had noticed it back then. It may or may not have made a difference. I know I can't change the past..he says he has learned his lesson and won't ever do it again because he now knows there will be no more chances. He says he just wants me to be happy but I just don't feel the same and think he only stays because he is obligated. We have been married coming up 36 years and never thought I would have so much to ponder.
Anonymous The sadness that my h kept seeing in my eyes was almost more than he could bear. He really has had to work hard to keep those eyes from looking at him now! He's changed as much from this experience as I am but he still carries the quilt and he also gets triggered by references to infidelity in shows or conversations. 39 years of marriage with 3 more of dating. His cow had the audacity to tell me length of time together didn't validate love. She's a licensed substance abuse therapist and she 'diagnosed us as co-dependent.' I politely told her that her opinion of my marriage was of no concern of mine and I asked her to stay the hell out of my marriage. I still have much sadness that the original marriage is tainted, but each day, he and I make every effort to make our marriage stronger and we show each other more affection than we did in the past. Just keep posting here! I know how much this hurts and I know how hard to get through it is! I say daily We're A Work In Progress Couple! Hugs!
It is 8 months since I discovered a four and a half year affair my husband had been having.I have been married 46 years and the shock was immeasurable but today the agony is changed. I asked him to write a letter to his affair partner, once my friend too, as I felt the simple act of writing something down , whether or not it got sent, would focus his mind. The very fact that the facts are down in black and white, written by him, no input from me, has been cathartic. We have had a tsunami of emotion in the last 8 months, and similarly to other accounts here, I believe our relationship is better, stronger more loving and realistic than ever. Keep researching, keep talking, even at 3 a.m., cry, rage,laugh( I wrote filthy limericks about the OW) but most of all trust your instincts.
I wonder what others are thinking. I immediately thought of the whisper I hear 'you aren't strong enough to withstand the future if it holds as much pain and loneliness as the past'. I still can't for 100% certainty say that's a lie, yet.
ReplyDeleteTo those of you 'already there', thank you for continuing to encourage the rest of us lagging behind that we will be able to call that lie someday.
What would I do without this blog?!
Truth
DeleteI'm pretty sure most of us believed that lie not good enough or what ever, just fill in the blank. I'm one of those people who sure did! It brought back my old childhood hurt and so I had to spend months getting through those while learning to accept the fact that my h made his choices and it wasn't because there was a lacking in me, it was what was lacking in him. I'm not sure how to tell when you get to the other side of the pain and disappointment, it's different for us all, but the biggest change for me came when I realized that I couldn't nor wouldn't allow myself to be stuck in miserable pain but because I'm a strong woman, I can control my own happiness and if my h wants to be a part of that happiness, he has to work as hard on our relationship as me and only then could we begin to share happiness together! It's a daily choice! Hugs!
Theresa,
DeleteThank you. Your reply gave me clarity to my fears.
What Theresa wrote holds true for so many of us. Betrayal confirms for us our deepest fears about ourselves. That we are not worthy of love, of loyalty, of belonging. But those fears are based on lies and betrayal also opens us up to the opportunity to correct those lies. We are worthy of love, we are worthy of loyalty, we are worthy of belonging. That has always been true.
DeleteTo me this was my husband for years even before he had his affairs. Now it is so obvious to me it was about his insecurities and boosting his ego. At the time I did not understand it. After going through this I do feel stronger than ever. I am not always sure what to do or how to handle a situation or my feelings but I know I will make it through this. I know he sees this in me and he has told me how thankful he is for this second chance and he knows he only gets one.
ReplyDeleteHopeful30,
DeleteYou are the storm.
Truth,
ReplyDeleteThe whisper definitely lies! But it seems a convincing lie, doesn't it? The thing is, the whisper tries to distract your attention from the fact that you're not going to allow yourself to end up in a position again where such hurt can be inflicted, because you have changed. That's not to say no one will ever be a jackass to you again. People haven't changed much, but you have! You are stronger now for having been through hell. I think that's the paradoxical outcome, having gone through hell we expect we will have been weakened by it, yet the opposite is true. Going through hell and getting to the other side of it will leave you stronger for it, a little exhausted maybe, but stronger! If you have watched Fried Green Tomatoes, then you'll join me in a shout of "Towanda!" (And if you haven't seen Fried Green Tomatoes, it is a must watch!! It's not about betrayal, but about women being made to feel less than, but having NONE OF IT. TOWANDA!!!)
Periwinkle,
DeleteYour words felt like strong hands under my arms, lifting me up again, helping me stand, pointing the way forward again. Thank you!
I've been hanging out in this place I call the 'dull ache of reality'. H is thrilled when all looks 'back to normal' and nothing freaks me out more then when life resembles 'back to normal', since that is confusion in my mind.
You have encouraged me.
ps i will watch the movie this weekend!
8 months ago I believed the lie. Since my "fuck this shit" moment on 6/20, I now fully know what it means to be the storm. While I dislike how my transformation came about, I am truly grateful for the changes I desperately needed to make. Parts of me died and now I know I allowed that death to occur so there was room for the new me. The stronger, compassionate, worthy, perfect as I am me. I chose to travel this harsh and grueling road in love and forgiveness for myself and my husband. I didn't want this journey to be done with malice in my heart. I didn't want to be bitter and stew in a festering pot of unhappiness and resentment. Even when he was on the fence I didn't hate him. Instead, I grew stronger and fearless and for that I am grateful. I don't regret the days spent in bed crying, the times I called him out in his bullshit, the isolation I've experienced in order to heal, the xanax I consumed, the weight loss, the friends that left. I regret nothing. His affair did me more good than bad...never thought I'd say those words but they are true...and I am grateful. Elle, thank you for this lifeline. I'm sorry for the reason we are all here but again, this is one of the good things that came from "his" affair and I am so incredibly grateful. Storm on ladies. WE will transcend ♥
ReplyDeleteI agree and have to remind myself of all the good that has come of this. I would have never wished it upon myself or anyone else but I can see so much good. For me
DeleteDday was so sad and hard but also made me understand so much. it was a major ah ha moment and I no longer blamed myself or felt bad for what I did not understand in our marriage. And it was good for him to have to be by my side through all the pain and work hard to repair our marriage. I think that was crucia and has brought us closer together. And for him to see how I have dealt with this and how strong and determined I have been has allowed him to see and respect me in a new way.
I am 14 months out...I find it hard to move on with my H. He says I need to relax but it is always on my mind. And intimacy...so hard. How do I get passed all of this?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous July 4
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you are living through! It's a hard road to walk with many times stepping back before moving forward! I don't know if you have a therapist but I suggest you get one that can help you through the parts that are holding you back. My first fourteen months were spent just getting rid of the ow with the help of the judge, she was a bit crazy, and I remember how hard that time was. I'm not sure that I can describe it as getting passed any of this but what I can say is I finally came to terms with I can't change the past and I will never excuse his choice for the affair but I accepted that he was truly remorseful and he was the one that convinced me through his actions that our marriage was/is worth working on daily. It's not easy but if you're both willing it really can eventually become a better stronger marriage! It's up to him to help you through the hard feelings and he has to accept full accountability for his choices. Start by allowing yourself to believe it can get better and that it doesn't matter how long it takes for you to move forward because you don't just wake up one day and you're past it all, it happens slowly bit by bit through everyday life choices made by each of us and our spouse! Intimacy....Still working through that one as my h is an avoider of confrontation and expressing his feelings intimately is beyond his capability. One of his flaws that I learned from the beginning of our marriage through his affair and have accepted. Intimacy is different for every couple. Hugs!
Thanks Theresa..I don't have a therapist. I am trying to manage it all. Just like I always do. I have so much sadness..everyday I have thoughts, I remember now when he changed..the little things. So wishing I had noticed it back then. It may or may not have made a difference. I know I can't change the past..he says he has learned his lesson and won't ever do it again because he now knows there will be no more chances. He says he just wants me to be happy but I just don't feel the same and think he only stays because he is obligated. We have been married coming up 36 years and never thought I would have so much to ponder.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteThe sadness that my h kept seeing in my eyes was almost more than he could bear. He really has had to work hard to keep those eyes from looking at him now! He's changed as much from this experience as I am but he still carries the quilt and he also gets triggered by references to infidelity in shows or conversations. 39 years of marriage with 3 more of dating. His cow had the audacity to tell me length of time together didn't validate love. She's a licensed substance abuse therapist and she 'diagnosed us as co-dependent.' I politely told her that her opinion of my marriage was of no concern of mine and I asked her to stay the hell out of my marriage. I still have much sadness that the original marriage is tainted, but each day, he and I make every effort to make our marriage stronger and we show each other more affection than we did in the past. Just keep posting here! I know how much this hurts and I know how hard to get through it is! I say daily We're A Work In Progress Couple! Hugs!
It is 8 months since I discovered a four and a half year affair my husband had been having.I have been married 46 years and the shock was immeasurable but today the agony is changed. I asked him to write a letter to his affair partner, once my friend too, as I felt the simple act of writing something down , whether or not it got sent, would focus his mind. The very fact that the facts are down in black and white, written by him, no input from me, has been cathartic. We have had a tsunami of emotion in the last 8 months, and similarly to other accounts here, I believe our relationship is better, stronger more loving and realistic than ever. Keep researching, keep talking, even at 3 a.m., cry, rage,laugh( I wrote filthy limericks about the OW) but most of all trust your instincts.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great idea. Thanks for sharing it here. And glad to hear that you're emerging from this stronger and more loving. Inspiring to us all.
Delete