So true. I was listening to Glennon Doyle when I was out walking the other day. She was talking about First the Pain and then the Rising. It was on Oprah's Super Souls on Youtube. It was very intersting and very relatable.
I'm only 1 month and 2 weeks out. I only have 3 modes now: 1- on the floor crying sobbing and screaming. 2- nothing happened just go about your day as usual ( I can do this mode for a couple of hours before I break down) 3- Anger..... this is the mode where I feel strong. But it's also the mode that hurts him more and drives him away. He is so supportive when I'm crying he knows what to do. But when I'm angry and calling him and the ow names he doesn't know what to do.
I'm not doing this on purpose. I hate calling people bad names. I hate being angry.
Emma , I'm 2 months and 2 weeks out and it's still VERY hard. I don't cry as often as at first. (I also went to Dr. Had to be put on meds) my H said nothing happened it was just friends talking . But I say something did cause he deleted the text. And there were way to many. I don't call my H bad names when I'm mad . But I call the ow all kinds of things. Just take things one day at a time and good luck
Emma and Izzy, Thinking of both of you! It is a really hard time and for me it felt like a roller coaster. Really in those beginning months I scaled back and did the bare minimum. And I remember crying and the pain. I would suggest to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. What worked for me was I wrote in a journal every day. Some days it was words, questions, thoughts. Some days I sobbed while I wrote. But it was a good outlet. At around 2 months we decided to talk once a week about everything. Not that we could not other times but the once a week helped both of us. For me it helped me to not be focused on it 24/7 and for my husband he was able to mentally prepare and not worry we were going to talk about it 24/7. Also with kids at home and around it helped us to plan and feel most comfortable talking. I used my journal before we would talk to see common themes. I mean my mind was all over the place. Without planning what I needed to talk about I was very tangential in my talking and thinking. I found in the end I usually felt worse where if I saw patterns and what was bothering me daily then I could address 1-2 things vs all the things in my brain which was a lot and still is. I worked hard to eventually be more matter of fact. And my husband over time has learned to not be defensive or to shut down. This has been a process but had to start somewhere. Of course he hated and even still does not like talking about all of this. He knows these were his poor decisions and he brought our marriage to the brink of destruction (those are his words) so he has had to take it all. And honestly going through this together has brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. Is it perfect no, I still have moments of doubt and concerns but we are so open with each other. I am very direct with boundaries and my expectations. And those have both elevated even from one year out from dday. I now expect more of him now.
In general I say it takes time to work through all of this. It is a long process. And even at 2 1/2 years past dday it still comes up. And he has had to work through his issues. Someone does not do what he did without having issues. He has owned it 100% but it has still taken a lot of work. For him he is the happiest he has ever been living a transparent and authentic life. But that did take him time. No matter how bad he wanted that he had lived his life the same way as long as he can remember focused on himself as #1. That has shifted. I know Elle has said it people can change. Not everyone though. But I did decide to give my husband a true second chance. If you do not have a support system get a therapist. My therapist and this site have been an amazing support system. Hang in there!
Oh the names I have called my H & OW. My mouth as gotten terrible & I have so much pain, anger & venom that just comes out on it's own! Wow! My H just sits there & takes it & says he deserves everything I say, but I hate getting in this out of control state
I've been reading past posts for a couple of days trying to ward off another slide into despair. I found this and wanted to share. Thank you Elle for being you. I so feel on a deeper level that I am on the brink of a transformation. It is still very hard at times to look at my husband with anything other than disgust, contempt and hatred so that is why I'm planning to do EMDR but in the mean time I'm doing my best to see the light and enjoy it. It is frustrating for me to recognize that I'm not at fault when it comes to his choices and that the reasons I have for staying are valid for me. He is doing everything in his power to be that guy he always pretended to be and he never wants to go back. It just sucks that it took him 35 years of marriage to actually face himself and come to that conclusion.
It's been a little over two months since my D-Day. Husband says they were only friends just texting a lot! Well this hooker goes to some of the same event as my husband, and now I find out what my husband is going to another event where she might be. When I asked him about it he got all mad at me saying that I need to get over it it's been 2 months and nothing ever happened and of course then I get the silent treatment.. then the next morning he tells me to try to find something positive about him and quit looking for something he's done wrong. How do I move past this? Do I need to be blind deaf and dumb? I'm seriously going crazy! I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into Despair and I don't know how or if we'll ever make it.. I want to I love him we've been together for 20 years I've always thought we'd be together forever. he tells me that he loves me and only me. And he tells me daily that I'm beautiful and hot and he's lucky to have me. But I feel it's just another lie, they seem to roll off his tongue so smoothly here lately
I am at 2 1/2 years past dday. My husband told me a lot on dday but then dday 2 was 5 months later. He chose to tell me as I did not find anything related to his affairs. He had broken off both affair 15 months before dday 1 at his own choice since he said he could not continue like that. Saying all of that he does not remember what he said on dday and even the months following. He was not in a relationship at that time but he was not sure what to say or how he felt. He said he knew what he did was wrong and anything he said would make it worse. So I understand it is a different scenario but at least my husband had no idea what he was saying. He got used to the lying and living his life only for himself.
Getting past the truth, pain etc then we had to talk about what was acceptable in our marriage and what the expectations were. No contact was the first and main boundary. If any contact was made it was to be told or shown to me. Then together we would decide how to respond. A mutual friend died and he chose not to attend the funeral etc since both ow might show up. He had no idea but did not want to take the chance. We came to this decision together. The only other alternative would have been me going too but we both felt that was not worth it.
Then past that we had to deal with basically how he lived his life. It is too much to get into but we set boundaries related to everything. I mean it was a lot but in the end he wanted to do whatever it took so I could feel safe. Really without that there was no way I could move forward. He has not been perfect but each time we talked about it. Yes he forgot to call me once after golf when heading to dinner. Now these are all habits for him and he does these things automatically. Initially though it was hard since he lived his life the way he wanted for the 20+ years we were together.
I could write a ton more but for starters you cannot be expected to move on. If he has not been honest and open with you about what happened my guess is you need to get past that first. Otherwise it will always bother you. And maybe not every last detail but what was this relationship etc. And my husband used to be so defensive about everything. He has changed that. And I try to keep my emotions in check. In the end we have much more productive discussions. Think about what you want and need out of your marriage. I started journaling daily and we would set one time a week to talk about it. This helped both of us a lot.
Browneyedgirl I went to counseling a few times by myself I stopped going because my counselor was pretty much just your husband's a Rockstar . and you don't think he's cheating ? She pointed out things that were obvious . that he probably was cheating it wasn't just talking and texting and that he is a sex addict and that we have a codependent marriage things that I didn't want to hear and I couldn't tell it was doing a whole lot for me so I quit going she suggested marriage counseling and I wanted him to go but he refuses and he's mad at me because I went. He swears up and down it was nothing but talk and texting that she's way too young for him she's only 9 years younger and he swears that he loves me and only me he thinks I'm beautiful he thinks I'm sexy and he's lucky to have me but since he's lied to me I really don't even believe him about that stuff anymore. I find myself searching the internet and looking at the phone bill in trying to find things that he's done and all it does is causes more fights he says that if he has to fight with me then he'll leave . I don't know what to do . when I ask him something he blows up and gets all defensive and then he's mad at me .I'm just tired of the fighting we've been together for 20 years and I thought we were happy I do everything for this man I've never give him a reason to doubt me one bit. My first husband cheated on me and It was the most devastating the worst thing you could ever do to somebody especially somebody you're supposed to love and I would never never do something like that to my husband. I just wish he could say the same. I have never been so broken hearted
Izzy, I'm 28 months out. You are very much in the beginning stages of working things out and from my experience, we fought about every couple days for exactly 9 months. After that, the arguments tapered off. We had our last blowout the end of July this year...prior to that was January! We were at 17 years marriage when I had a hunch something was going on and we had never argued that much in those 17 years. Immediately after dday we would take two steps forward and a week later take 3 steps back after an argument. It's a bumpy journey and I can honestly say the arguments happened frequently because of events or triggers that he did not care to prevent or shield coming my way. There was lots of gaslighting and from my experience after dday there was still some explosive anger on his part, because it was his way of dealing with his shame and pain. I was not only the victim of his anger prior to dday, but post dday. He did not go to counseling after dday but had a small stint about 8 years prior. He grew up in a divorced and very unloving household. This is the sole reason for me joining this club. He's lived a very unlovable life and when I entered and we married, obviously it was too good to be true. So he set out to find others to fill up that ever empty love tank. I truly feel that he married me because I was the one, but in hindsight, I can tell by the way he was raised, he was led to believe that people will always let you down and eventually not love you. He needed backup plans and to keep things going so that he didn't revert to how he felt as a child.
About a year after dday I went to a counselor (as I was in a stuck phase) and at the end of the session, I felt he was against my H. The counselor wanted to hear how my husband was remorseful and cried after my discovery and when I told him that did not take place, he was kind of against him. I figured I would go alone and find someone that could relate to the two of us and then eventually talk my H into coming along. My H wasn't so opposed to it, but was afraid of bashing and I'm afraid this gentleman would have been all on my side. In trying to work things out, you can't have someone who is against one of you. Plan B was me talking things through with the H. We talked things to death some days. Not details about the affair, but rather just how we could get on the same page and he be more understanding of my pain. My incredible pain that he had no clue about. I too was told to get past it many times. "When are you going to be over this?" Ah, never. It changed me. It changed us. I can't get a magic eraser and erase the happenings and what I now know. I think he gets that now. I never had poor self esteem, so my self worth took a huge hit and I felt so very alone.
Izzy (Part 2) I feel your broken heart Izzy. It's unlike any other pain. You are in the investigative PI phase for sure. You are searching and in a frenzy to catch it before it takes you off guard again. I was exactly like that. That is also normal. You want clarity to what you may have missed in the past and clarity to prevent what comes in the future. I firmly believe that any BW in this phase should have a side job of a private investigator on cold cases because we are JUST THAT GOOD. My Google skills alone are resume material for sure! So, in a quiet moment in the next few days try and have a talk with him and let him know about your anxiety, about the waves of emotion from your first husband and his cheating, and about your fears going forward. Let it out in a way that he can feel what you feel. I used to start off the discussion... "So I don't want to fight today, but I want you to listen to what I'm dealing with today. I'm not doing well. All you can ask is for his time and understanding.
Hopefully you can remove some fighting by him just understanding where your head and heart sit. He created this situation and if he wants to also be part of the solution then he will stay. Leaving because he can't stand the heat is a cop out, and as I said, you are in the beginning phases, so at times things are said but not true. He's struggling as well, but more than likely so ashamed he is unable to talk to it. You haven't done anything wrong here. You are human and have feelings and are trying to heal. Healing takes time and he needs to be part of that by providing you a safe haven. Saying all the right things is good for your self esteem yes, but holding you close, taking your hand and saying "I'm in this with you!" is way more assuring. It's a daily practice. Talk it out, hug it out and as painful as this all is, it will bring you closer together.
Heartfelt, thanks . My H too comes from a divorced family his mom left when he was around 10. I've always thought he had trust issues with women . But when we started dating and even the first 7 or 8 yrs of marriage we never even had an argument. He was and is the most loving man I've ever known. ( I guess that's why I didn't see this coming ) he swears it was just texting. But he deleted them so he has No proof. I have anxiety really bad when he leaves . Also next month he's going to an event where she might be, and I don't know what to do about that. He has several Guy friends going with him . But he had one of his guy friends with him when he was gone for 3 days while he was texting her all day and night... We had a bump when I found out he was texting a woman 12 yrs into our marriage. But it wasn't near as many as this time. And he swore it was cause she was in love with his friend.. ( I don't believe all that) but we got past that finally. Then this hooker started texting him in Oct last year. Just a few here and there. ( cause they both go to the same events sometimes ) but Dec there were about 70 text and then just 10 .. 20 in the next few months but in May.. wow it sky rocketed over 1000. Some right under my nose. he tells me on a daily basis I'm beautiful and he loves me. ( I told him married men who cheat love their wives they just don't think they'll get caught) he says " he didn't do anything " I just hope I can get past this cause I planned on spending my life with him and I love him Today we had a small spot spat . I told him I guess I just need to be blind deaf and dumb and just smile all the time.. but I can't cause I cry to often and when I'm upset he can tell it in my voice and he just keeps on wanting to know wgats wrong then when I tell him he blows up. Then I get mad...
My dear Izzy. I see so much of me and my husband in your story. I'm 9 months out from DD2 but I remember the deep intense pain and fear when speaking up about the shit storm he created and how it devastated me and him getting upset. His response was "I can't deal with this shit" He moved out and rented a room at a friends house for a few weeks and I begged him not to leave. Our therapist told him "you can't leave now that you set the house on fire" but he left. Gotta say that during that time alone, I realized how nice it was not having him here. I didn't worry about a thing regarding him. I did what I wanted and never worried about him and what he would say if the house wasn't clean, the dishes not being done, the laundry not washed, or me spending the day in bed crying. I realized how much fear I lived in with him around. For years I sacrificed myself to keep the peace. During his time gone, I set boundaries for his return. It took about a month for me to finally say to him "if you can't live this way, leave" He was shocked. He just didn't want to deal with what he created. He wanted me to get over it. The more I exercised my voice and felt comfortable with the fact that I could /can live without him, the stronger I've become. Cause it's true, but it goes against everything we believed, The vows we took, our ideas and dreams. I can live without him. I will survive. As horribly sad as that realization is, it's so deliciously true. I survived my first abusive marriage. I will survive my current H infidelity. And so will you.
One of the things that makes me mad is that I convinced myself that I couldn't live without my H. What a load of shit. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we give them so much power over us? We are not the weaker sex, not after we survived their lack of poor judgement. Jeez!! Through therapy, it’s been discovered that my husband has anger issues. His not wanting to deal with the shit storm is resistance to change, he finally sees that. It took him 7.5 months to finally get his head out of his ass to see that. The months of me crying, pleading, explaining to him what it was I was experiencing, asking him to read this blog, read some of the books I’ve read really did no good until I started taking care of me, working on my shit and finally standing up and telling him to not let the door hit him on the ass on his way out. Then and only then did he take note and decided that he needs to do the work to save our marriage. I would ask you to please take care of yourself and speak up when you need to without worrying how your H will respond. You are within your right to do so. To find out what you need and to do what ever it takes for you to hopefully understand and to start healing. This time is about you. Your H created the shit storm and now he has to pay. I felt that if I sat back and did nothing for myself and worried about him and how he would react, my H would never have respected me and would most likely do it again, but not on my time. No way. Educate yourself on how betrayal affects you. Read about why people cheat. Start seeing the signs. Take care of you in what ever manner suits you. Stay in integrity and stand up for yourself. Sending you love and hugs
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Olive mee, thanks for the encouragement. It has been a very trying time the last few months, I love my husband very much and I am still in love with him. All I ever wanted was someone to love and to love me back for the rest of our lives and I thought I had that well at least the last 20 years I have. He says that nothing has changed that he still loves me and only me and only wants me. That when he was talking to this woman that's all it was was talk about the events that they go to. It will probably cause a big fight but the next event that he's going to I plan on going with him because I'm sure she'll be there and I don't want anything to happen. I guess I'll probably just have to sit in the vehicle while he's participating in this event. I've turned into a pretty good detective, and sometimes my mind wanders and I think the worst and it's really heartbreaking to me. But then again thank you very much for all yalls comments and the hugs and love. Many hugs to you my Wounded Warrior friends
Olive Mee, you've done it again! I know your words touched many. Luckily my H was never abusive or never demanding but him trying to tell me he wanted a Divorce because of $20,000 credit card debt which dumbfounded me, I asked if there was someone else, he said absolutely not. Of course he was lying and I later realized he was wanting blame pointed towards me instead of himself since no one knew he was having an affair. I begged him not to leave & he didn't, but he treated me that last two months like shit. I cashed in stocks from retirement & paid off debt, then boom 2 months later Dday by my reading texts. But your comment that you thought you could never live without your H is how I've felt. He said he was never going to divorce me, he was just angry and felt ashamed because of what he was doing while blaming me for cc debt, yet let me think that for 2 months. But I do know without a doubt that if he pulls this crap again, I will live without him!
So true. I was listening to Glennon Doyle when I was out walking the other day. She was talking about First the Pain and then the Rising. It was on Oprah's Super Souls on Youtube. It was very intersting and very relatable.
ReplyDeleteI agree!! I LOVED this talk. It was so impactful that I listened twice back-to-back. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteCan't wait to check out!
DeleteI'm only 1 month and 2 weeks out.
ReplyDeleteI only have 3 modes now:
1- on the floor crying sobbing and screaming.
2- nothing happened just go about your day as usual ( I can do this mode for a couple of hours before I break down)
3- Anger..... this is the mode where I feel strong. But it's also the mode that hurts him more and drives him away. He is so supportive when I'm crying he knows what to do. But when I'm angry and calling him and the ow names he doesn't know what to do.
I'm not doing this on purpose. I hate calling people bad names. I hate being angry.
Just venting
Emma
Emma ,
DeleteI'm 2 months and 2 weeks out and it's still VERY hard. I don't cry as often as at first. (I also went to Dr. Had to be put on meds) my H said nothing happened it was just friends talking . But I say something did cause he deleted the text. And there were way to many.
I don't call my H bad names when I'm mad . But I call the ow all kinds of things. Just take things one day at a time and good luck
Emma and Izzy, Thinking of both of you! It is a really hard time and for me it felt like a roller coaster. Really in those beginning months I scaled back and did the bare minimum. And I remember crying and the pain. I would suggest to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. What worked for me was I wrote in a journal every day. Some days it was words, questions, thoughts. Some days I sobbed while I wrote. But it was a good outlet. At around 2 months we decided to talk once a week about everything. Not that we could not other times but the once a week helped both of us. For me it helped me to not be focused on it 24/7 and for my husband he was able to mentally prepare and not worry we were going to talk about it 24/7. Also with kids at home and around it helped us to plan and feel most comfortable talking. I used my journal before we would talk to see common themes. I mean my mind was all over the place. Without planning what I needed to talk about I was very tangential in my talking and thinking. I found in the end I usually felt worse where if I saw patterns and what was bothering me daily then I could address 1-2 things vs all the things in my brain which was a lot and still is. I worked hard to eventually be more matter of fact. And my husband over time has learned to not be defensive or to shut down. This has been a process but had to start somewhere. Of course he hated and even still does not like talking about all of this. He knows these were his poor decisions and he brought our marriage to the brink of destruction (those are his words) so he has had to take it all. And honestly going through this together has brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. Is it perfect no, I still have moments of doubt and concerns but we are so open with each other. I am very direct with boundaries and my expectations. And those have both elevated even from one year out from dday. I now expect more of him now.
DeleteIn general I say it takes time to work through all of this. It is a long process. And even at 2 1/2 years past dday it still comes up. And he has had to work through his issues. Someone does not do what he did without having issues. He has owned it 100% but it has still taken a lot of work. For him he is the happiest he has ever been living a transparent and authentic life. But that did take him time. No matter how bad he wanted that he had lived his life the same way as long as he can remember focused on himself as #1. That has shifted. I know Elle has said it people can change. Not everyone though. But I did decide to give my husband a true second chance. If you do not have a support system get a therapist. My therapist and this site have been an amazing support system. Hang in there!
Oh the names I have called my H & OW. My mouth as gotten terrible & I have so much pain, anger & venom that just comes out on it's own! Wow! My H just sits there & takes it & says he deserves everything I say, but I hate getting in this out of control state
DeleteI've been reading past posts for a couple of days trying to ward off another slide into despair. I found this and wanted to share. Thank you Elle for being you. I so feel on a deeper level that I am on the brink of a transformation. It is still very hard at times to look at my husband with anything other than disgust, contempt and hatred so that is why I'm planning to do EMDR but in the mean time I'm doing my best to see the light and enjoy it. It is frustrating for me to recognize that I'm not at fault when it comes to his choices and that the reasons I have for staying are valid for me. He is doing everything in his power to be that guy he always pretended to be and he never wants to go back. It just sucks that it took him 35 years of marriage to actually face himself and come to that conclusion.
ReplyDeletehttp://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/ruintransformation.html
It's been a little over two months since my D-Day. Husband says they were only friends just texting a lot! Well this hooker goes to some of the same event as my husband, and now I find out what my husband is going to another event where she might be. When I asked him about it he got all mad at me saying that I need to get over it it's been 2 months and nothing ever happened and of course then I get the silent treatment.. then the next morning he tells me to try to find something positive about him and quit looking for something he's done wrong. How do I move past this? Do I need to be blind deaf and dumb? I'm seriously going crazy! I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into Despair and I don't know how or if we'll ever make it..
ReplyDeleteI want to I love him we've been together for 20 years I've always thought we'd be together forever.
he tells me that he loves me and only me. And he tells me daily that I'm beautiful and hot and he's lucky to have me. But I feel it's just another lie, they seem to roll off his tongue so smoothly here lately
izzy, do you have an IC/MC. These are the kind of things they are so helpful in working out with couples.
DeleteI am at 2 1/2 years past dday. My husband told me a lot on dday but then dday 2 was 5 months later. He chose to tell me as I did not find anything related to his affairs. He had broken off both affair 15 months before dday 1 at his own choice since he said he could not continue like that. Saying all of that he does not remember what he said on dday and even the months following. He was not in a relationship at that time but he was not sure what to say or how he felt. He said he knew what he did was wrong and anything he said would make it worse. So I understand it is a different scenario but at least my husband had no idea what he was saying. He got used to the lying and living his life only for himself.
DeleteGetting past the truth, pain etc then we had to talk about what was acceptable in our marriage and what the expectations were. No contact was the first and main boundary. If any contact was made it was to be told or shown to me. Then together we would decide how to respond. A mutual friend died and he chose not to attend the funeral etc since both ow might show up. He had no idea but did not want to take the chance. We came to this decision together. The only other alternative would have been me going too but we both felt that was not worth it.
Then past that we had to deal with basically how he lived his life. It is too much to get into but we set boundaries related to everything. I mean it was a lot but in the end he wanted to do whatever it took so I could feel safe. Really without that there was no way I could move forward. He has not been perfect but each time we talked about it. Yes he forgot to call me once after golf when heading to dinner. Now these are all habits for him and he does these things automatically. Initially though it was hard since he lived his life the way he wanted for the 20+ years we were together.
I could write a ton more but for starters you cannot be expected to move on. If he has not been honest and open with you about what happened my guess is you need to get past that first. Otherwise it will always bother you. And maybe not every last detail but what was this relationship etc. And my husband used to be so defensive about everything. He has changed that. And I try to keep my emotions in check. In the end we have much more productive discussions. Think about what you want and need out of your marriage. I started journaling daily and we would set one time a week to talk about it. This helped both of us a lot.
Browneyedgirl
ReplyDeleteI went to counseling a few times by myself I stopped going because my counselor was pretty much just your husband's a Rockstar . and you don't think he's cheating ? She pointed out things that were obvious . that he probably was cheating it wasn't just talking and texting and that he is a sex addict and that we have a codependent marriage things that I didn't want to hear and I couldn't tell it was doing a whole lot for me so I quit going she suggested marriage counseling and I wanted him to go but he refuses and he's mad at me because I went. He swears up and down it was nothing but talk and texting that she's way too young for him she's only 9 years younger and he swears that he loves me and only me he thinks I'm beautiful he thinks I'm sexy and he's lucky to have me but since he's lied to me I really don't even believe him about that stuff anymore. I find myself searching the internet and looking at the phone bill in trying to find things that he's done and all it does is causes more fights he says that if he has to fight with me then he'll leave . I don't know what to do . when I ask him something he blows up and gets all defensive and then he's mad at me .I'm just tired of the fighting we've been together for 20 years and I thought we were happy I do everything for this man I've never give him a reason to doubt me one bit. My first husband cheated on me and It was the most devastating the worst thing you could ever do to somebody especially somebody you're supposed to love and I would never never do something like that to my husband. I just wish he could say the same. I have never been so broken hearted
Izzy:
DeletePart 1...
Izzy, I'm 28 months out. You are very much in the beginning stages of working things out and from my experience, we fought about every couple days for exactly 9 months. After that, the arguments tapered off. We had our last blowout the end of July this year...prior to that was January!
We were at 17 years marriage when I had a hunch something was going on and we had never argued that much in those 17 years. Immediately after dday we would take two steps forward and a week later take 3 steps back after an argument. It's a bumpy journey and I can honestly say the arguments happened frequently because of events or triggers that he did not care to prevent or shield coming my way. There was lots of gaslighting and from my experience after dday there was still some explosive anger on his part, because it was his way of dealing with his shame and pain. I was not only the victim of his anger prior to dday, but post dday. He did not go to counseling after dday but had a small stint about 8 years prior. He grew up in a divorced and very unloving household. This is the sole reason for me joining this club. He's lived a very unlovable life and when I entered and we married, obviously it was too good to be true. So he set out to find others to fill up that ever empty love tank. I truly feel that he married me because I was the one, but in hindsight, I can tell by the way he was raised, he was led to believe that people will always let you down and eventually not love you. He needed backup plans and to keep things going so that he didn't revert to how he felt as a child.
About a year after dday I went to a counselor (as I was in a stuck phase) and at the end of the session, I felt he was against my H. The counselor wanted to hear how my husband was remorseful and cried after my discovery and when I told him that did not take place, he was kind of against him. I figured I would go alone and find someone that could relate to the two of us and then eventually talk my H into coming along. My H wasn't so opposed to it, but was afraid of bashing and I'm afraid this gentleman would have been all on my side. In trying to work things out, you can't have someone who is against one of you.
Plan B was me talking things through with the H. We talked things to death some days. Not details about the affair, but rather just how we could get on the same page and he be more understanding of my pain. My incredible pain that he had no clue about. I too was told to get past it many times. "When are you going to be over this?" Ah, never. It changed me. It changed us. I can't get a magic eraser and erase the happenings and what I now know. I think he gets that now. I never had poor self esteem, so my self worth took a huge hit and I felt so very alone.
Izzy (Part 2)
DeleteI feel your broken heart Izzy. It's unlike any other pain. You are in the investigative PI phase for sure. You are searching and in a frenzy to catch it before it takes you off guard again. I was exactly like that. That is also normal. You want clarity to what you may have missed in the past and clarity to prevent what comes in the future. I firmly believe that any BW in this phase should have a side job of a private investigator on cold cases because we are JUST THAT GOOD. My Google skills alone are resume material for sure!
So, in a quiet moment in the next few days try and have a talk with him and let him know about your anxiety, about the waves of emotion from your first husband and his cheating, and about your fears going forward. Let it out in a way that he can feel what you feel. I used to start off the discussion... "So I don't want to fight today, but I want you to listen to what I'm dealing with today. I'm not doing well. All you can ask is for his time and understanding.
Hopefully you can remove some fighting by him just understanding where your head and heart sit. He created this situation and if he wants to also be part of the solution then he will stay. Leaving because he can't stand the heat is a cop out, and as I said, you are in the beginning phases, so at times things are said but not true. He's struggling as well, but more than likely so ashamed he is unable to talk to it. You haven't done anything wrong here. You are human and have feelings and are trying to heal. Healing takes time and he needs to be part of that by providing you a safe haven. Saying all the right things is good for your self esteem yes, but holding you close, taking your hand and saying "I'm in this with you!" is way more assuring. It's a daily practice. Talk it out, hug it out and as painful as this all is, it will bring you closer together.
Heartfelt, thanks .
DeleteMy H too comes from a divorced family his mom left when he was around 10. I've always thought he had trust issues with women . But when we started dating and even the first 7 or 8 yrs of marriage we never even had an argument. He was and is the most loving man I've ever known. ( I guess that's why I didn't see this coming ) he swears it was just texting. But he deleted them so he has No proof. I have anxiety really bad when he leaves .
Also next month he's going to an event where she might be, and I don't know what to do about that. He has several Guy friends going with him . But he had one of his guy friends with him when he was gone for 3 days while he was texting her all day and night...
We had a bump when I found out he was texting a woman 12 yrs into our marriage. But it wasn't near as many as this time. And he swore it was cause she was in love with his friend.. ( I don't believe all that) but we got past that finally. Then this hooker started texting him in Oct last year. Just a few here and there. ( cause they both go to the same events sometimes ) but Dec there were about 70 text and then just 10 .. 20 in the next few months but in May.. wow it sky rocketed over 1000. Some right under my nose. he tells me on a daily basis I'm beautiful and he loves me. ( I told him married men who cheat love their wives they just don't think they'll get caught) he says " he didn't do anything "
I just hope I can get past this cause I planned on spending my life with him and I love him
Today we had a small spot spat . I told him I guess I just need to be blind deaf and dumb and just smile all the time.. but I can't cause I cry to often and when I'm upset he can tell it in my voice and he just keeps on wanting to know wgats wrong then when I tell him he blows up. Then I get mad...
My dear Izzy. I see so much of me and my husband in your story. I'm 9 months out from DD2 but I remember the deep intense pain and fear when speaking up about the shit storm he created and how it devastated me and him getting upset. His response was "I can't deal with this shit" He moved out and rented a room at a friends house for a few weeks and I begged him not to leave. Our therapist told him "you can't leave now that you set the house on fire" but he left. Gotta say that during that time alone, I realized how nice it was not having him here. I didn't worry about a thing regarding him. I did what I wanted and never worried about him and what he would say if the house wasn't clean, the dishes not being done, the laundry not washed, or me spending the day in bed crying. I realized how much fear I lived in with him around. For years I sacrificed myself to keep the peace. During his time gone, I set boundaries for his return. It took about a month for me to finally say to him "if you can't live this way, leave" He was shocked. He just didn't want to deal with what he created. He wanted me to get over it. The more I exercised my voice and felt comfortable with the fact that I could /can live without him, the stronger I've become. Cause it's true, but it goes against everything we believed, The vows we took, our ideas and dreams. I can live without him. I will survive. As horribly sad as that realization is, it's so deliciously true. I survived my first abusive marriage. I will survive my current H infidelity. And so will you.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that makes me mad is that I convinced myself that I couldn't live without my H. What a load of shit. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we give them so much power over us? We are not the weaker sex, not after we survived their lack of poor judgement. Jeez!! Through therapy, it’s been discovered that my husband has anger issues. His not wanting to deal with the shit storm is resistance to change, he finally sees that. It took him 7.5 months to finally get his head out of his ass to see that. The months of me crying, pleading, explaining to him what it was I was experiencing, asking him to read this blog, read some of the books I’ve read really did no good until I started taking care of me, working on my shit and finally standing up and telling him to not let the door hit him on the ass on his way out. Then and only then did he take note and decided that he needs to do the work to save our marriage. I would ask you to please take care of yourself and speak up when you need to without worrying how your H will respond. You are within your right to do so. To find out what you need and to do what ever it takes for you to hopefully understand and to start healing. This time is about you. Your H created the shit storm and now he has to pay. I felt that if I sat back and did nothing for myself and worried about him and how he would react, my H would never have respected me and would most likely do it again, but not on my time. No way. Educate yourself on how betrayal affects you. Read about why people cheat. Start seeing the signs. Take care of you in what ever manner suits you. Stay in integrity and stand up for yourself. Sending you love and hugs
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Olive mee, thanks for the encouragement. It has been a very trying time the last few months, I love my husband very much and I am still in love with him. All I ever wanted was someone to love and to love me back for the rest of our lives and I thought I had that well at least the last 20 years I have. He says that nothing has changed that he still loves me and only me and only wants me. That when he was talking to this woman that's all it was was talk about the events that they go to. It will probably cause a big fight but the next event that he's going to I plan on going with him because I'm sure she'll be there and I don't want anything to happen. I guess I'll probably just have to sit in the vehicle while he's participating in this event. I've turned into a pretty good detective, and sometimes my mind wanders and I think the worst and it's really heartbreaking to me. But then again thank you very much for all yalls comments and the hugs and love. Many hugs to you my Wounded Warrior friends
DeleteOlive Mee, you've done it again! I know your words touched many. Luckily my H was never abusive or never demanding but him trying to tell me he wanted a Divorce because of $20,000 credit card debt which dumbfounded me, I asked if there was someone else, he said absolutely not. Of course he was lying and I later realized he was wanting blame pointed towards me instead of himself since no one knew he was having an affair. I begged him not to leave & he didn't, but he treated me that last two months like shit. I cashed in stocks from retirement & paid off debt, then boom 2 months later Dday by my reading texts. But your comment that you thought you could never live without your H is how I've felt. He said he was never going to divorce me, he was just angry and felt ashamed because of what he was doing while blaming me for cc debt, yet let me think that for 2 months. But I do know without a doubt that if he pulls this crap again, I will live without him!
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