Oh Elle - thanks for the beautiful reminder. Back at you, beautiful girl. Hope you are doing okay this week - you've been on my mind. (Hugs) We can do hard things...we are strong!
Hard is an understatement loool. Elle God bless you for allowing us to talk about what ever crazy is going on in our lives. Thanks for telling me to stay put. Thanks for telling me there is no shame in forgiving. Thanks for reminding me I'm beautiful.
Lately I've been fantasizing about humiliating the ow (the cow). Never new that side of me existed. I day dream about it. About going to his work looking incredibly gorgeous and him staring at me with loving eyes while she watches. I want her to know that what ever she thought they had was meaningless to him. Unfortunately that's not possible now. It's too late for that.
Emma, Those fantasies might be helpful to a point. To remind you of your own power. Whether or not you get to see her humiliation, she's likely feeling it. Whatever she's telling herself, she knows that she was discarded. So indulge in the fantasy if it's giving you strength. Just make sure you're not so focussed on the OW that you're ignoring the reality of your husband and your marriage that's right in front of you. As for telling you to "stay put", I'm only making a point of this because I've taken some grief from another Web site for being an affair apologist. I don't so much encourage women to "stay put" as I do urge them to take their time to figure out what they really want to do, whether stay put or leave. I think far too many of us feel as though we need to react right away to infidelity when it can takes weeks/months to really know how we want to respond to it. If staying put has been the best thing for you, then that's great. But for those who realize that staying put is strangling their soul, then it's important they feel absolutely entitled to leave without judgement. We each need to walk our own path and trust that others are there to support us no matter what.
Elle, Thank you so much for always being so clear on that message: that this place is about healing, and staying in your marriage is not required for that. Anyone who calls you an affair apologist is simply not paying attention. I have always felt that message is absolutely clear from you, and I appreciate that so much!
Emma, I can totally relate to your fantasy about the OW. I have had some very similar. I found my strong feeling toward the OW so hard to deal with. Much harder, actually, than my feelings toward my H. I had to allow much time to pass and had to keep curious about where all that was coming from for a long time before I made any headway. For me, my anger and downright obsession toward her turned out to be a way to feel something other than the total sadness about the fact that my H chose her over me at that point in time (there was more than one "her", but one stuck out as a focus of my rage). Now when I feel those rage feelings coming up about her, I can remind myself that she could have been anyone. I then sit with the sadness that is just a fact. My H chose her over me for a period of time. I sit with that and continue to watch what I'm saying to myself. I try to be kind and compassionate with myself. I wish myself an end to my suffering over this sad fact, and then it passes. I can then go into the life I have now where my H isn't choosing anyone over me, and I have learned so many ways to take care of myself.
Elle your replies are sometimes incredibly spot on as if you know us. Maybe it's because all the work your doing you are an expert. You understand.
Do you think it's a good idea to show my h some of your replies to me. Because sometimes I feel you are validating my feelings and putting them in to words. It's also like I'm telling him (see ,everyone feels the same ). Let me know what you think about showing him.
I agree with Elle. I too was so focused on the other women. I wanted so bad to do something so I could stand up for myself to them. I am not in the same situation with the workplace. However I thought about ways I could create the situation. It took time but after a while I realized I needed to focus on me first then our marriage second. I think it was a phase/process but with time that dissipated. I remember very clearly the moment I was like screw them. They have already taken enough from me no more. And I was over them. Then the focus was 100% on me and my husband.
And yes I agree with giving yourself time. As I remember Elle said what is the next best decision or thing. Don't worry about tomorrow or a week or a month from now. It helped me so much. I am someone who is type a and a person who takes care of things. Well this is a process and it takes time. And at least for me there were so many days I felt like I was on a roller coaster and in no shape mentally to make decisions that would impact the rest of my life much less my kids lives. I had to find what made me happy and everything else I said no to. It was very basic for the first year. Sleep, eat, workout, cook awesome meals and spend time with my kids. Those things all made me happy and felt better. And in between that work through everything with my husband.
And Elle I think the other website or anyone else who says this is for affair apologist does not get it. The issue of infidelity is major in our world but it is so hidden. I like your view of it and taking your time and doing the work. Setting boundaries. Your site is so positive and I have gotten the best advice and support. Thank you!
Emma, Re. showing your husband this site. I think it can be helpful but I also think there can be a danger. And it's this: You cannot make him change. You cannot make him understand. You cannot control him or guide him. You can only ever control yourself and your own actions. So I worry that by showing him that every other sane woman in the freaking world would feel exactly as you do right now if she was cheated on you're nonetheless trying to get him to see your pain as legitimate instead of working from a place where that is simply accepted as truth. Your pain is legitimate. Your needs are legitimate. But as long as you're trying to convince him and, in some ways, get his permission to express them, then you're disempowering yourself. It will take some time/work but consider just assuming that what you want to be true (that he acknowledges your pain and takes responsibility for what he did to hurt you) is already true. And then proceed from there. If he can't respect your boundaries (ie. no contact, being home for dinner, whatever...), then what are the consequences? Does he move to the couch? Do you? Do you show him the door? Create a separation agreement? As long as YOU are not treating your needs as reasonable, then why would he? From years of backing down when he hasn't respected your needs, you've essentially taught him that he doesn't need to. That you will still be there. Well...time for some new rules. And these ones include consequences for violating them. But you have to be absolutely sure that you'll enforce those consequences if he violates them. No bluffing. So make sure you're clear about what they are and make sure you always ALWAYS follow through. It will be tough because that's not what you've usually done. To help, start here: http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2016/04/your-ultimate-guide-to-boundaries-what.html
That is an excellent post and it helped me so much to set boundaries. I did not necessarily give in but I have always been really independent I think from being an only child and other reasons long before I met my husband. I do wonder now if that was part of what drew him to me that I was so independent. Saying all of that I found a lot of this was hard since at least for us we had been together for over 25 years and met when we were young. I think so much of this was habits that were formed. And it was hard for us to break out of these old habits. Even now when we get busy and stressed I find we slip back a little. It takes a lot of work. And I know my husband having to face making big changes was scary. He has told me that on dday he had no idea if he could even live up to what he thought a husband should be. He wanted to but was so unsure after so many years of living a fake life. I think that led him to just continue to compartmentalize. I am not saying any of this is an excuse but I know for my husband it was his own version of damage control. Also it really took him 6 months to work through getting his mind around it all but taking action has taken even longer. But much of it was about him facing his failings. Listen to Elle and read that post. This was the path that got me to where I am today. We continue to work hard at 2 1/2 years.
Always spot on with your posts. Thank you Elle. It’s been a rough few days for me. Sunday was 1 year since it started. She asked him for his number and he gave it to her. I knew this day was coming, so I asked my husband if he would like to make new memories. We went to have dinner at a favorite local winery. First time we did that and it was fun. There were a few couples we know from there so we shared a table. Guess it all started when a young lady that works there asked me how I lost so much weight since I last seen her. First thing that came out of my mouth was “stress.” I’ve lost 50 pounds in 5 months. It was a tail spin from that point. Driving home I was quiet and he asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t but would be. Got home and I had a good cry. He sat with me and apologized for what he created. I never thought that that one question would hurt so much but it did. It was a painful reminder. Sunday I just wanted to be alone.
I was invited by a mutual friend of the OW to do a paint night on Monday. I was looking forward to it on Friday, but changed my mind after the weekend. I was feeling sensitive and didn't want the trigger. I text her Monday morning and let know so she could find someone else to go with her. She asked if I was okay and I told her the truth of the weekend I had. She never replied. 2 of the women that were going know the OW. I told them they were triggers for me and they claimed to understand, but no reply from my friend, and no inquires as to how I am doing, has made me rethink my friendship with these women. Another reason why I am feeling so fucking sad. He had an affair with a friend. It has affected other friendships for me as a result. He has taken so much from me with that one act.
I haven’t slept or eaten much and am finally getting out of bed today. I never thought Sunday would knock the wind out of me. I didn’t think I would feel the sadness and anger as deeply as I have. It’s sad that I have chosen to let go of 2 friends because they are triggers. It’s sad that I have little respect or love for my H. It’s sad that I don’t feel strong enough to leave the house. It’s times like these that I question why it still saddens me to the very core of my soul. It’s sad that what few people I have told, 3 are gone from my life now and I have no local friends. I get mad at myself for not being stronger or more motivated for taking charge or my emotions, but I remind myself that I’m not a Vulcan. Today I’m wishing I could wish it all to the cornfield but I have to ride it out and find the wisdom of it. I'm sick of this shit
Olive Mee, I don't blame you for being sick of it. It's sickening that any of us have to deal with it. And I'm sorry that you've lost people you thought were friends. I also went through something of a cull of friends in the wake of D-Day. I became aware of just who in my life wasn't a true friend -- supportive, honest. I retreated into something of a cocoon. But I reminded myself that maybe I would emerge stronger and more beautiful -- a butterfly. It might help to think of this time like that. The chance to metamorphose into something different. Stronger, resilient. To be able to cut loose those who weren't truly friends, who weren't able to be there for you, who lacked the courage or integrity. I know it's excruciating in the short term. But it sounds as if you deserve far better friends than they know how to be.
Olive Mae, Boy, do I understand how you feel. I really hate that question about my weight loss and the compliments. I lost 45 pounds total and I do look much healthier now, but the initial weight loss was dangerous, and I only look healthy now because of my incredibly hard work trying to take care of myself all the time (in order to dig myself out of a huge emotional hole!) I had a coworker tell me I looked great in a bathing suit at a party recently, and I couldn't help but reply that I was not worth any more now that people approve of my figure than I was worth before. I know she was confused by my response. Most of the time I can return an automatic, "thanks.", but not always. I feel so fake when people say that. I don't know how to explain it. I also understand about the friends. I actually talked with my therapist about this specifically. I thought there must be something wrong with me that I can't stand to be around certain people anymore. I prefer to be alone than with some of my previous friends. I was worried this was a sign of serious depression. Through exploration of this, I now see that I really didn't like being with them before. They were the gossipy type. The mean girls. I hung around from time-to-time so that I wouldn't feel left out socially. Now I just have no patience for that. I really only want to be with people who are genuine and trustworthy. People I can feel good about and not need to take a shower after being near them.I should have spoken up sooner and spent less time with them long ago. It's sad it took going through the betrayal to feel empowered to choose different friends.I do feel lonely sometimes with fewer friends, but I assume over time I'll be adding better friends to replace the ones I just don't have anything in common with and don't enjoy/share values with. Hugs to you. I'm sorry you got triggered by the comment and the response from your friend. I've been there too. Sometimes when that happens to me, I give myself permission to be sad and I just sit with it for a while (no apologies to H are necessary of course). My real pain comes from trying to fight off these negative feelings. Letting myself cry and feel sad about things that are truly sad is the right answer for me.
Thank you Elle. Guess I was taken by surprise by my reaction. I've been doing so well since fuck this shit Tuesday. I didn't think I would respond so emotionally and for so many days. I didn't want too. But, I have to remind myself of what I'm dealing with and that my H drug his feet for 7.5 months before he decided to deal with this mess and I'm still unsure of where he stands as a result of the events of the past year. It's just so sad. Times like these remind me of the time I've lost that can never be regained and how lost I can feel. It's so frustrating cause I don't want to feel sad and lost. I'd much rather just feel sad. I know I'll work through it and hopefully learn what I need before DD1 and be a pro by DD2. The friend thing doesn't hurt as much as the H thing. Poo!!
Olive Mee, I'm sorry, so sorry you are having this rough patch. It just sucks and you are allowed to be sick of it. I feel you on the lbs. I lost that kind of weight in the first few months post dday. Thing is, our society is so appearance and weight loss focused, when people see someone who lost weight, they think it is OK to comment on their bodies or ask "how they did it" because they want the magic weight loss secret too. I got to the point where I either said "trust me, you want not part of how I lost this weight?" or " I tracked my food in the SparkPeople app" (which was true but it was to make sure I was eating enough to stop my weight from free falling). Depending on the context an dhow I was feeling in the moment. I'm glad you had a good cry and just felt whatever came up. I'm glad your h sat with you and didn't turn away or hide. As far as the friends go, its hard to know that they aren't able to step up for you, but as Elle suggests, you may be better without these people, if they can't handle your truth and reality. Honestly, they might be scared (people like to think this will never happen to them). I certainly lost friends when the divorce became public knowledge, like people think it is contagious. And I know for some of my friends, seeing what I am going through got them to thinking hard about their own life and happiness. For the more resilient this was a good thing. For some, well they have opted out of my life. And I'm OK with that. I went out after dday, not knowing if he was staying or going, knowing I had to reclaim my identify and forge a new life for myself. I am closer with some old friends, closer than ever with my sister and made some awesome new friends by joining a volunteer group and taking up painting classes and piano lessons. Maybe there's something you've always wished to do. Want to scuba dive? I bet someone teaches that in the pool at the local high school. Do something new that gets you a chance to meet new people (Meetup is great for this). Just, you know, on your own time and when/if you think that is something you want to try. For now it is OK to go slow and go back to bed. Have a cup of tea, veg out to netflix. Nap. Be sick of this shit. Have a nice long soak in the tub. Whatever you need right now is all OK. Don't expect yourself to be able to leave the house or anything else. You are where you are. Hugs Olive Mee...
Olive Mee, I've been exactly where you are and it is always a surprise when I go down that dark hole after some trigger. Elle says this is normal. The universe is saying, "be kind and compassionate" to yourself. Be your own best friend. I've purged friends and after 2 plus years I'm just now getting back to having lunch with girlfriends I've felt safe with in the past. As for the weight thing, I lost 50 pounds and yes the feedback was overwhelmingly positive and I always felt like, "well if you only knew why I can't eat" but I would say something like, "I've had a complete life change that includes nutrition, exercise and stress reduction through mindfulness". Overall, that is true but the jump start through D-day was awful and I wondered if I would survive. I've gained almost 10 pounds back through stress eating but we leave next week for our winter home so I understand why and plan to get back to a better lifestyle soon. This journey seems like two steps forward and one back at times and other times it feels like three steps backwards and zero steps forward. Coming to grips with the truth is hard. When your spouse, without your knowledge, permission or approval, downgrades your marriage to something as a business relationship it sucks. I'm a novice to the healing trail but it is clear to me that I cannot manage me, my feelings and thoughts and my life while trying to be someone I am not. I'm almost ready to meet new friends but not quite. Maybe a book group or something benign will be my first step but I prefer my own company and solitude still as I heal. My therapist is so helpful when I need to talk about "stuff". Sometimes my fear is that I am doing such a good job of taking care of me that I really won't care to stay with him. Time will tell. You are still so vulnerable and your heart is so tender with this pain. You have seen how strong you can be when that window of self-care and self-realization surfaces just like your "fuck this shit Tuesday". God I LOVE that phrase so much and told my therapist about that. She loves it too. You are my new secret hero and as I hear myself mutter, "fuck this shit" under my breath I visualize you as my new Goddess friend. This too shall pass and the sun will come out and the rain will come and the rainbow will come out and the cycle repeats. We understand, we love you and we will hold your heart gently while you weep at the unfairness of this. Your women "friends" sound more like "acquaintances" at this point. Stay true to yourself and take no hostages. If I can't be myself with my friends I won't play. Period. Much love to you.
I find one thing can really throw me off. I am going along doing well and then it gets me. I have thought a lot about it and for me at least I am not that resilient. I am strong and hold it together but it is taking a toll on me. It comes in so many different forms. I have not told my friends but I swear all they do is bring up infidelity and people getting divorced and so much judgement. I keep trying to divert conversations or even just make a general statement hoping these people are happy and doing what is best for them since none of us really know how they feel or what they are going through. But this causes me to push away and isolate. I really do not have any friends that are understanding. And my friends I think are too much like me. They would never cheat and probably fall more on the highly moralistic side of things.
This weekend was so hard. I won't get into it all. My husband let me down. He didn't do anything that wrong but again I am not that resilient. He said he felt like we were farther along. I explain to him he does not understand how I feel or what I have been through. He continues to tell me he does but it does not match up. In general he feels like I only focus on the past or the negative. I feel like my only choice is to ignore what happened and also this weekend I honestly thought is he trying to force me to leave him. He was floored and could not believe this. To me this is a red flag. We had a serious talk in April and he said he got how serious it was and here we are back again. I am to the point I do not know if I can keep wondering what he will do. And he hangs his hat on it has nothing to do with women or his behaviors and choices in that area. He says he could be followed by a camera and I would be fine with all of it. So he sees himself as doing well. I am so tired of all of this.
Yeah, the Infidelity Diet is highly effective. But it drains you of life. It can help to realize that, when we have these setbacks, we're not actually back at the beginning. We're just re-processing or dealing with parts that still need our attention. It's a LOT to process. And it takes a really long time. Be gentle with yourself when you feel yourself sinking into sadness or despair. Remember it's just part of this. We don't get highs without also dealing with lows.
Thank you all for your loving, understanding and compassionate replies. The lows are hard to tolerate when you've been high for a while, but I'm grateful for them. They help me process the hurt that is still there and prepare me for the future. I'm feeling much better and H was there to listen, validate and share his shame and remorse for how his choices have affected me/us. Those simple acts do help me realize that he is sincere and they lead to healing. I hope you are all enjoying this lovely Sunday. Love to you all
Olive Mee, The other thing that helped me get through the lows was my therapist referring to them, not as regressing, but as "recycling". She insisted that we sometimes need to circle back and revisit some of the pain in order to work through it from this newer vantage point. You bring some of your gathered wisdom back with you. So even though it might feel like you're 'back' where you were, you're coming at it differently.
Yes!!! That's exactly right, Elle. Thank you for putting that into such beautiful words of truth, strength and empathy. All that I have learned in the past 9 months, reading this blog, books, etc., I know see that it makes the down time more of a healing/growth time and not one of "how could he do this to me pain" time. Reading all the amazing replies from all of you amazing women, I am reminded of the day I first posted on this blog in mid January of this year, and the all supportive and empathic responses I received. And shortly after I went to see a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants to help me with the emotional spikes. I remember him telling me that I would know joy again in the near future. It was such a dark time with no hope in sight for the marriage. I never considered hope for myself. So yea, no more beating myself up for down time cause it's really process/growth time. No more beating myself up for my blessed isolation as I have learned so fucking much from it. I see my future as one pregnant with possibilities now and I love you all so much and am so grateful to be part of this amazing tribe.
Thank you for your wonderful and simpatico reply. Damn!! It's sad to relate as we do, but I'm so grateful that we do cuz we help raise each other to our best and most amazing selves. I'm in a book club that has been instrumental in my growth during the shit storm. There's 6 of us, 4 in the east coast and 2 of us here in California. I know 4 of the woman personally, but it's helped me so much to "socialize" again, even if it's over the phone once a week. We are reading a woman's empowerment book and the growth we've all shared has been so wonderful. This is our 2nd book so they have been present through the shit storm from the get go. It's really helped me to trust considering that the OW was a friend. Not sure if it's okay to mention the name of the book. Elle, let me know. Any way, I would say a book club is a good way to get your feet wet. I've been thinking about reaching out to the Women's Center where I used to volunteer as a victims advocate and see about possibly starting a support group for the betrayed. I realize betrayal comes in many forms now and I experienced first hand what the women that went to that crisis center went through. They got support in many ways, but not in the department of betrayal. This blog has been my motivation. It would be a huge step for me and one that I am seriously considering.
As far as Fuck this shit, I encourage you to say it out loud and often. I never thought 3 simple words could be so empowering, but they are. WE are all Goddesses and you are also a personal hero of mine.
We will transcend. We will find our happy places again. I refuse to think otherwise.
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Things have been going pretty good the last few weeks. Husband even said we'd go on vacation to my place of choice. Well today I think that all changed.. my H has an event to go to and she might be there. So I told him I was going with him. And he said huh no ... I told him for my sanity I had to go cause she might be there..so he said fine I'm not going then.. ( I wonder why ) well now he's mad at me. He said it's been like 5 or 6 months .. huh no it's only been 2 1/2-- 3 months... but I'm suppose to just get over it..
Izzy, This would set off alarm bells for me for a couple of reasons. Number one: Why doesn't he want you there? Number two: Why does he think he's the one determining your course of action rather than letting you determine what you need? Oh, and another question: How long has he been using anger to control you? Are you two in any sort of counselling to learn how to better communicate? Cause it sounds as if he resorts to pouting, sulking and anger rather than empathy. He's the one that cheated, not you. You get to set the rules of reconciliation, not him.
Elle , I guess he doesn't want me to go cause he's afraid I might say or do something . He's still says NOTHING happened and it was just friends talking. ( I don't know cause he deleted everything when I asked to see it ) I think he just wants me to be the good little housewife and not cause any stink.. and as for counselling, no he refuses to go. He got mad when he found out I went and that i also told a friend of mine about everything. ( I've know her for 35 + years ) he'd be mad as hell if he seen this.. he pouted all night and will probly pout all day too. I get the silent treatment alot these days. Well only if i bring this up. it always seems to be 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. But thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.
Izzy, Your husband is manipulating you. He is controlling you with the silent treatment, with his pouting, with his moods. The question is: why are you letting him? He has hurt you deeply. He doesn't get to determine how you heal from this. It's crucial to be able to talk about it. It's crucial to have emotional support through this. Otherwise, the pain will come out as depression or self-loathing or some other unhealthy way. Izzy, you did not deserve his cheating (and I don't care if it wasn't physical. He was clearly having inappropriate conversations at the very least. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing). Please continue to see your counsellor. Fight like hell for yourself and your right to treat yourself with respect and kindness. You are so much better than this. When he gives you the silent treatment, I want you to simply remind yourself that it's a countermove designed to get you to back down and give in to what he wants. When he pouts, it's a countermove designed to get you to back down and give in. Children do that. And when we give in, we teach them that it works. Well, it needs to not work anymore. He needs to realize that you will not just roll over and accept this. That you are his wife who deserves honesty and respect and support. Clearly he can't treat you like that so you lead by example. Treat yourself with respect, with kindness, with dignity. And do whatever you need to do to find support through this.
And, Izzy, I want you to think about where you learned that it was okay for others to treat you like your needs don't matter. In my case, I learned it in childhood. That everyone else's needs were important but mine were not. So I needed to re-learn as an adult that, in a healthy marriage/family, everyone's needs matter equally. We have times when someone's needs might take priority (during an illness, perhaps). Think about it. Because I suspect you learned a long time ago to dismiss your own needs. And that's something that needs to change.
I'm not sure where I lost myself along the way . If it was the abusive home life when I was a kid or my first marriage but I've always seemed to take care of everyone. I'm an only child and I basically had to raise myself, cuz my mother was always gone out or if she was married she always had an abusive husband. My first husband was controlling and it was his way or no way. So I guess just along the way I've just lost myself and always make sure everybody else is took care of
I can relate to the fact of being an only child. For me I think this factors into it a lot. I did not have any sort of abuse or negative home situation but being an only child I spent the majority of time alone. I know many people with siblings took care of them or had additional responsibilities. But for an only child it is really different since you are alone a lot. When I look back I always thought that made me strong and independent. I wonder if it made me too much so. I think for my husband that was a positive. I was not the person that would care at all if he went away for a weekend, was golfing etc. I honestly am happy and content to go to eat alone at a restaurant, go to a movie alone or even enjoy my time alone at home more than if others are around. I have found these tendencies have become exaggerated now in order I think to protect myself and be more vigilant. So I feel like it is the opposite of what is described I only worried about myself and took care of myself. I never had to even consider anyone else. But the flip side is that was lonely at times. I was also much more mature and spent more time with adults than my peers. Take care of yourself for sure!
Well it's day 2 of the silent treatment , and I can't stand it. I read a survey that said the silent treatment is actually a form of emotional abuse? I'm not sure if it is or not but it feels about the same. When he's at work and I text him it takes him a long time to text back and it's usually just one word at a time, I called him this afternoon and he was real short and to the point and had to get off the phone. Really because he's self-employed he can do whatever the hell he wants I guess he just doesn't want to talk to me and it's very hurtful. I've done nothing wrong but love him and cherish him and take care of him and in return He talks to some bimbo. The silent treatment started because I told him I was going with him next week to this event that she might be at. So what should I do should I just stay home and let him go and just hope nothing happens or do I stick to my guns and go with him whether he likes it or not? But of course he told me if I was going then he wasn't going so I don't know what to do. Thank you for listening to my ramblings it helps me a lot to voice things
Izzy. I dealt with the silent treatment with my first husband and yes, it's a form of emotional abuse. Reading your posts, I know that "it's" all so fresh for you and I get your fear about the what if's. They ruled me for years. My saving grace was staring those what if's in the face and experiencing the fear of the outcome. What I got out of that exercise was that I would survive the shit storm he created, would no longer be ruled by what he chooses to do, and be all the stronger for it.
After a few years of the silent treatment from H #1, I just didn't care to play anymore so I would tell him to speak up when he was ready and I would go about my day. It was hard as hell in the beginning...I so get how it drives you nuts...but ignoring it became easier as time went by, and he eventually changed the behavior to verbal abuse...idiot. Oh the tantrums he would throw when I would ignore him. It's laughable looking back, but those were ugly and empowering times. He's acting like a child trying to get his way. Don't give in. It's so not worth it.
I will ask you to spend some time exploring worse case scenarios. Seriously, if you are up to it, give it a try. Remember you are safe cause you are exploring this in your mind. I did this from DD1 and well after DD2 and I'm so glad I did. Yea, it hard a hard pill to swallow exploring this cause you didn't sign up for this shit, but it's amazingly empowering to realize you will survive this on your own terms. I had an exit plan before DD2 hit. It was one thing less I didn't have to worry about. It also took the fear out of that horrible question "how will I survive without him?" I did this on my own at first. I didn't want to be influenced by anyone's opinion. After a few daze of exploration and journaling, I shared with my best friend that helped me through this and she offered some questions and scenarios I had not thought of, all to further my recognition of strength and empowerment. Again, I cried at having to even have to do that exercise, but it's gotten me through some tough times without fear of the what if's. The what if's make this journey more of a bitch by keeping stuck in fear of life without him.
As far as the event, if you don't go and he stays, know there'll be hell to pay. You know how he is so be ready with your boundaries and don't give in. Don't fuel the fire by letting him get under your skin and you letting him know that he is hurting you. That's exactly what he wants. Remember, he created the shit storm, not you. He is punishing you for not getting over it, instead of him dealing with what he created.
Stay strong by focusing on you, not your fears of the what if's and know what we are all rooting for you. Sending strength and hugs to you...♥
Izzy, Olive Mee has given you some really great suggestions. So often we learn from those who've gone through the same situations as we are. And Olive is right that the silent treatment is emotional abuse. It is manipulation-- a way to get you to "behave". Don't fall for it. As Olive Men suggests, as best you can (and it will take practice!!), go about your life. When he sees it's not working, he'll try something else. But if you can begin to see his behaviour as countermoves to get you to fall into line then it's easier to not take it personally. It isn't about you at all. He's behaving like a child and resents anyone expecting him to be accountable for his life. I don't doubt that your childhood provided the blueprint for marriage to a guy like this. But the crazy thing about betrayal is that, in the midst of this horrible pain, we're given a choice: to carry on the way we have been or to take stock of where we are in life and the choices we've made and figure out how we want things to be different. Betrayal shakes everything up and can, if we let it, provide new eyes for us to see our lives. Are we happy? Do we actually like this person we're married to? What do we need? How do we create a marriage in which we're respected and valued? If we can't create that, how can we leave the marriage safely? And so on. Izzy, you have a voice that deserves to be heard. You have needs that matter. YOU matter. But you need to treat yourself like you matter.
Olive Mee & Elle , Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. I don't understand where I went wrong and how I became so weak. I hope things will work out for the best no matter what that might be, I hope it will be with my husband, if he'll get his head out of his ass. I just wish he could feel how bad that I feel. But I know if I would have done this to him he would have already thrown my ass out. I do know this that if she text him anymore or if I find out they've been talking anymore I will call her husband and let him know everything, even if it was just talking it was too much talking! But once again thank you and I will survive one way or the other lol many hugs to you girls
Elle, I couldn't agree more with what you wrote about Choices. Choices we have, and there are so many, the ones we made that later on down the line, sometimes years later, we realize they didn't work, the choices we can make now on how to continue with OUR lives in the wake of the devastation created by someone else. Since fuck this shit Tuesday, and letting go of any hope he would have the desire to deal with his issues or wondering if the marriage can be salvaged, I have been freed of much doubt, pain and fear. Yea, sadness is present over all of this, but it's not overwhelming on a daily basis, and that's because I don't live in that fear. There are times when I wonder if he would have just dealt with the issues that got us here, maybe, just maybe, this could have all been avoided, but that's not how it worked out. I can't go back, but I can learn from the past and fully be the hand in writing my future. I don't have to lose myself by accommodating him and his behavior to keep the peace. It's astounding that I gave up so much of myself to keep him happy. Mind boggling really, and I never questioned my behavior. Choices have always been present in my life, but I lost sight of that because of social conditioning, lack of self worth, and forgetting that I lived my life long before he ever came along.
Elle, This is what grabbed me by the booboo today because these are the questions I've been seriously asking myself since last Sunday. This, for me, is what has resulted in letting go of fear and practicing radical self care...
"Betrayal shakes everything up and can, if we let it, provide new eyes for us to see our lives. Are we happy? Do we actually like this person we're married to? What do we need? How do we create a marriage in which we're respected and valued? If we can't create that, how can we leave the marriage safely? And so on. Izzy, you have a voice that deserves to be heard. You have needs that matter. YOU matter. But you need to treat yourself like you matter."
Hallelujah!!!
It's okay to have these questions, even if they hurt like hell and are the complete opposite of what we believed.
It's okay to make our own choices and not worry about if he'll be butt hurt, because we are not setting out to intentionally hurt anyone by taking care of ourselves.
It's okay to want a more fulfilling and nurturing partnership with or without him.
But most importantly, It's okay to have a life of your own.
Izzy, You are not weak. No way. You did what I did. You wanted to keep the peace at any cost. Our men know how to manipulate us into submission. We being the loving wives that we are did what we thought was best with no regard to ourselves. I have told my husband that I got why he didn't like me. Why he told me I became boring to him. I told him I did what I did to keep things good between us and he didn't like what he created. He didn't like what his beating down made of me. I take full responsibility of my choices. He didn't put a gun to my head, but he did manipulate me cause he's that good, and I thought that the choices I made would make him happy. Boy was I a lost soul. I just didn't want to see what my grieving really was. So no, you are in no way weak. You are a strong woman that did what she thought was the right thing to do and they took advantage of that. Look at it as a lesson, not a mistake.
As far as wanting him to understand your pain. Been there to an almost desperate level. I figured that if he understood my pain it would change him. I was wrong. He didn't want to deal with the pain on any level...his or mine. Hence, him being on the fence for 7.5 months. This is where my radical self care came in. I turned that need towards myself and dealt with my pain how I saw fit. I couldn't rely on him. He just was't ready. I still question the sincerity of his dealing with it now, but he's only been doing it for 2 months. It's gonna take time. Use that time to focus on yourself.
Izzy and Olive Mee, Peace at all costs usually means that you're the one paying the price. It's terrifying to rock the boat when you're convinced that your value is in always being calm and smoothing things over. Well fuck that. If people want you to be easygoing, then they should behave better. Izzy, you are not weak. You have been taught, over years, that your needs don't matter. Well, it's time to unlearn that lesson. This is your chance to discover just who you are and what you want in life. You deserve to live a life in which you are treated with respect and kindness. Your husband may never "feel" what he's done to you because I suspect he avoids empathizing with you. To actually imagine how you feel means he would have to take responsibility for how he treats you. And he doesn't want to do that. Instead, he convinces himself (and you!) that you somehow deserve how you're treated. Maybe he'll finally pull his head out of his ass. I hope for your sake (and his!) that he does. But in the meantime, I want YOU to lead by example. Treat yourself with respect and kindness. Do not put up with anything less.
I'm not feeling very strong these days. Since finding out about the affair 2+ years ago, I have developed anxiety. My depression is a lot better but the anxiety remains. Just yesterday I wanted to think through some things so after dropping my daughter off at a friends house, I stopped by the local skate park to sit in my car and work through my thoughts. The park itself was empty but there were 3 other random vehicles scattered in the lot. I couldn't help but wonder what they were doing. Immediately I thought they were all cheating husbands connecting with their Other Woman. My husband's affair was with a co-worker (who thankfully doesn't work there anymore). They had sex in her car in vacant lots as well as on property. My mind immediately started to make those connections and a panic/anxiety attack ensued. If my depression is almost gone and we're healing through this process, why do I still get these horrible anxiety attacks? Will they be with me forever?? ~Sunflower
Sunflower, yep, anxiety at 2+ years is there for me too. I have fewer and fewer attacks since I set up more boundaries. Do you have enough boundaries set? Does he make you feel safe on a daily basis? I know the barrage of ideas that goes through our heads, but is there anything that you can get out of your head by talking things through with your H?
I also know that sometimes we do things to get to rock bottom. We want to suffer through things. Try not to sit in a car anywhere and think, as it's going to go poorly and trigger thoughts. Don't set yourself up to feel bad. If anything, go rent a convertible and get on an open highway and have the time of your life driving and throw those thoughts to the freakin airspace! You deserve to be free of it.
I just set another boundary just a month ago and it makes me feel more at ease. I feel empowered by each boundary. They are set, but at the same time if he would go back on his commitment I know that the power of each boundary makes me feel safe in the event that I'm all alone one day. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and that is freeing! I set the boundary and if he blows through it, then I'm done and I'm also OK.
Sunflower, think of some ideas to build your strength! Maybe journal a bit about what is going right in your life. Depression is almost gone - yay! Buy something that will remind you of how far you've come. I'm from Minnesota, so I bought myself a t-shirt that says "You Betcha" right after dday. When I wear that I think to myself..."You Betcha! It's been a cluster fuck of a journey until now and you better betcha I'm better now!" :) It's my super power shirt that was $7.99. Silly as it is, sometimes $7.99 is all it takes to make me feel like I got it together! I wear it on days I don't feel the best - You betcha! xo Hugs
Sunflower I have no idea of forever or how long but I had a sheer panic attack last night right after talking to my h who happens to have been on an overnight business trip and it's silly but I found a yellow sticky note folded on his chest of drawers as I was cleaning and all it said was J contact me! It was signed by the same name as cow! I was immediately brought to my knees and had the racing heart just like dday! This time when I triggered, I called him back and told him how finding that made me feel. I know it wasn't from her but the feelings were still the same. I know it was from a co worker that needed him to check information for the project he is leading, but I still had to hear him say it and hear his voice to calm me down. He couldn't stop saying how sorry he was and that he loved me and he would be home tomorrow. He called me this morning text me when he left the plant he was working in and he called me when he arrived back to his office. He's texted twice in fun messages and I know that how I felt last night was normal given that this is still the first year of no contact. I don't know what causes it to be this way but I know that it doesn't last as long for me if I can have contact of reassurance from my h. Hugs! I know how that feels!
I am past 2 1/2 years and for me anxiety is what sticks around more than pain, sadness or depression related to all of this. I do find my anxiety increases when there is other stress in my/our lives. I have worked really hard to say no to other things and still focus on only the things I need to do or really want to do. This has helped but stress happens in life of course and I feel it. I am on edge and I am triggered more easily. I would say since the beginning and still to this day I do what Theresa explained she did when finding the post it. My husband since day one said call me or text me anytime I need anything. He told me he would get mad at me if he finds out I was hurting or upset and did not reach out to him. Also my therapist said he should be helping me through these triggers both as we heal together and so he can see and feel what I am going through and how it impacts my life. It felt good hearing that from my therapist. I think it is true going through this together has brought us closer than ever. I would not wish this upon anyone but if it happened I am glad it came out so we can grow closer and salvage the rest of our years together.
The other things that have helped if I anticipate something might trigger me I bring it up to him. And many times he will say he already thought of that too. It also helps since then he can ask me what he can do and/or he is more aware and sensitive. We talk about everything in advance whether it is going to play golf, watch a game, going out to eat with family everything now. It is so different than how we used to be but it is healthier, better and we both like it more now. He said he was worried this would be too hard or feel like work since he lived his life in a selfish way but he says he has found it to make his life more fulfilling than ever before. This has been a process though and has taken a long time and we still have bumps even now at over 2 1/2 years past dday. The good thing is we talk about everything openly now.
Sunflower, I think the anxiety is often a symptom of some post-trauma. Our brain files the trauma of betrayal, or rather misfiles it, in a way that makes it feel immediate. Long after the threat is past, our brain is still on "danger, danger" mode. It can help to pay attention to the anxiety (where does it show up in your body? What triggers it?) but talk back to it. Remind yourself that you're fine. That any threat isn't imminent. That you are safe and that you can keep yourself safe. It can also help to do some post-trauma work with a therapist. EMDR is highly effective but there are other therapies too. Do some exploring and see what you can find in your area. You don't need to live like this. Sometimes it's a matter of time. In my case, however, it was a matter of refiling the trauma of betrayal so that it became a memory, not an immediate fear.
Sunflower, Anxiety has been a part of most of my adult life but never at the level I've experienced with the devastation and uncertainty of his choices. I'm talking 35 of my 55 years on this lovely blue marble. It's part of the reason why I lost 50 pounds. Part of the reason I had a bout with diverticulitis...too much xanax...and the biggest reason I had to let go of the fear of what he was going to do. Elle's post about control really resonated with me cause a lot of anxiety stems from a feeling of lack of control. I can not control him, but I can control how his actions affect me. Also, anxiety is created from worry. Worry about the uncertainty of the future. It's funky stuff. I'm not an expert, but as I've been dealing with it for 3+ decades, I've learned a bit about it. You can control it and get it to a manageable level, but considering the trauma and triggers we deal with it's sometimes tough. Like Elle suggests, educate yourself about the bastard that anxiety is so you can take the fear out of it and future attacks. One of the good things that has come out of the shit storm and fuck this shit Tuesday, is that I hardly have anxiety now. Not even low levels of it. For me it's sort of miraculous. I haven't popped a xanax for over 4 months. I'm not saying that I don't have anxiety at times but it goes as quick as it comes because I'm not afraid to look at it squarely in the eyes and tell it "do your worse." You got this. We all do. I'm tellin ya WE will transcend....♥
Olive Mee, This is amazing. I'm so glad that anxiety isn't the problem it has been. I have a child who suffers from anxiety and it's such an exhausting way to go through life. There is so much we don't control in life. And that can, at first, be more anxiety-provoking. Or, if we can learn, it can be liberating. It frees us from so much responsibility. All we're responsible for is ourselves and how we conduct ourselves each day. That's it. Moment by moment. Day by Day.
Oh Elle - thanks for the beautiful reminder. Back at you, beautiful girl. Hope you are doing okay this week - you've been on my mind. (Hugs) We can do hard things...we are strong!
ReplyDeleteStronger than we realized. Thanks for the kind words.
DeleteHard is an understatement loool. Elle God bless you for allowing us to talk about what ever crazy is going on in our lives. Thanks for telling me to stay put. Thanks for telling me there is no shame in forgiving. Thanks for reminding me I'm beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLately I've been fantasizing about humiliating the ow (the cow). Never new that side of me existed. I day dream about it. About going to his work looking incredibly gorgeous and him staring at me with loving eyes while she watches. I want her to know that what ever she thought they had was meaningless to him. Unfortunately that's not possible now. It's too late for that.
Emma,
DeleteThose fantasies might be helpful to a point. To remind you of your own power. Whether or not you get to see her humiliation, she's likely feeling it. Whatever she's telling herself, she knows that she was discarded.
So indulge in the fantasy if it's giving you strength. Just make sure you're not so focussed on the OW that you're ignoring the reality of your husband and your marriage that's right in front of you.
As for telling you to "stay put", I'm only making a point of this because I've taken some grief from another Web site for being an affair apologist. I don't so much encourage women to "stay put" as I do urge them to take their time to figure out what they really want to do, whether stay put or leave. I think far too many of us feel as though we need to react right away to infidelity when it can takes weeks/months to really know how we want to respond to it. If staying put has been the best thing for you, then that's great. But for those who realize that staying put is strangling their soul, then it's important they feel absolutely entitled to leave without judgement. We each need to walk our own path and trust that others are there to support us no matter what.
Elle,
DeleteThank you so much for always being so clear on that message: that this place is about healing, and staying in your marriage is not required for that. Anyone who calls you an affair apologist is simply not paying attention. I have always felt that message is absolutely clear from you, and I appreciate that so much!
Emma,
I can totally relate to your fantasy about the OW. I have had some very similar. I found my strong feeling toward the OW so hard to deal with. Much harder, actually, than my feelings toward my H. I had to allow much time to pass and had to keep curious about where all that was coming from for a long time before I made any headway. For me, my anger and downright obsession toward her turned out to be a way to feel something other than the total sadness about the fact that my H chose her over me at that point in time (there was more than one "her", but one stuck out as a focus of my rage). Now when I feel those rage feelings coming up about her, I can remind myself that she could have been anyone. I then sit with the sadness that is just a fact. My H chose her over me for a period of time. I sit with that and continue to watch what I'm saying to myself. I try to be kind and compassionate with myself. I wish myself an end to my suffering over this sad fact, and then it passes. I can then go into the life I have now where my H isn't choosing anyone over me, and I have learned so many ways to take care of myself.
Elle your replies are sometimes incredibly spot on as if you know us. Maybe it's because all the work your doing you are an expert. You understand.
DeleteDo you think it's a good idea to show my h some of your replies to me. Because sometimes I feel you are validating my feelings and putting them in to words. It's also like I'm telling him (see ,everyone feels the same ). Let me know what you think about showing him.
I agree with Elle. I too was so focused on the other women. I wanted so bad to do something so I could stand up for myself to them. I am not in the same situation with the workplace. However I thought about ways I could create the situation. It took time but after a while I realized I needed to focus on me first then our marriage second. I think it was a phase/process but with time that dissipated. I remember very clearly the moment I was like screw them. They have already taken enough from me no more. And I was over them. Then the focus was 100% on me and my husband.
DeleteAnd yes I agree with giving yourself time. As I remember Elle said what is the next best decision or thing. Don't worry about tomorrow or a week or a month from now. It helped me so much. I am someone who is type a and a person who takes care of things. Well this is a process and it takes time. And at least for me there were so many days I felt like I was on a roller coaster and in no shape mentally to make decisions that would impact the rest of my life much less my kids lives. I had to find what made me happy and everything else I said no to. It was very basic for the first year. Sleep, eat, workout, cook awesome meals and spend time with my kids. Those things all made me happy and felt better. And in between that work through everything with my husband.
And Elle I think the other website or anyone else who says this is for affair apologist does not get it. The issue of infidelity is major in our world but it is so hidden. I like your view of it and taking your time and doing the work. Setting boundaries. Your site is so positive and I have gotten the best advice and support. Thank you!
Emma, Re. showing your husband this site. I think it can be helpful but I also think there can be a danger. And it's this: You cannot make him change. You cannot make him understand. You cannot control him or guide him. You can only ever control yourself and your own actions. So I worry that by showing him that every other sane woman in the freaking world would feel exactly as you do right now if she was cheated on you're nonetheless trying to get him to see your pain as legitimate instead of working from a place where that is simply accepted as truth. Your pain is legitimate. Your needs are legitimate. But as long as you're trying to convince him and, in some ways, get his permission to express them, then you're disempowering yourself.
DeleteIt will take some time/work but consider just assuming that what you want to be true (that he acknowledges your pain and takes responsibility for what he did to hurt you) is already true. And then proceed from there. If he can't respect your boundaries (ie. no contact, being home for dinner, whatever...), then what are the consequences? Does he move to the couch? Do you? Do you show him the door? Create a separation agreement? As long as YOU are not treating your needs as reasonable, then why would he? From years of backing down when he hasn't respected your needs, you've essentially taught him that he doesn't need to. That you will still be there. Well...time for some new rules. And these ones include consequences for violating them. But you have to be absolutely sure that you'll enforce those consequences if he violates them. No bluffing. So make sure you're clear about what they are and make sure you always ALWAYS follow through. It will be tough because that's not what you've usually done.
To help, start here: http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2016/04/your-ultimate-guide-to-boundaries-what.html
That is an excellent post and it helped me so much to set boundaries. I did not necessarily give in but I have always been really independent I think from being an only child and other reasons long before I met my husband. I do wonder now if that was part of what drew him to me that I was so independent. Saying all of that I found a lot of this was hard since at least for us we had been together for over 25 years and met when we were young. I think so much of this was habits that were formed. And it was hard for us to break out of these old habits. Even now when we get busy and stressed I find we slip back a little. It takes a lot of work. And I know my husband having to face making big changes was scary. He has told me that on dday he had no idea if he could even live up to what he thought a husband should be. He wanted to but was so unsure after so many years of living a fake life. I think that led him to just continue to compartmentalize. I am not saying any of this is an excuse but I know for my husband it was his own version of damage control. Also it really took him 6 months to work through getting his mind around it all but taking action has taken even longer. But much of it was about him facing his failings. Listen to Elle and read that post. This was the path that got me to where I am today. We continue to work hard at 2 1/2 years.
DeleteAlways spot on with your posts. Thank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been a rough few days for me. Sunday was 1 year since it started. She asked him for his number and he gave it to her. I knew this day was coming, so I asked my husband if he would like to make new memories. We went to have dinner at a favorite local winery. First time we did that and it was fun. There were a few couples we know from there so we shared a table. Guess it all started when a young lady that works there asked me how I lost so much weight since I last seen her. First thing that came out of my mouth was “stress.” I’ve lost 50 pounds in 5 months. It was a tail spin from that point. Driving home I was quiet and he asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t but would be. Got home and I had a good cry. He sat with me and apologized for what he created. I never thought that that one question would hurt so much but it did. It was a painful reminder. Sunday I just wanted to be alone.
I was invited by a mutual friend of the OW to do a paint night on Monday. I was looking forward to it on Friday, but changed my mind after the weekend. I was feeling sensitive and didn't want the trigger. I text her Monday morning and let know so she could find someone else to go with her. She asked if I was okay and I told her the truth of the weekend I had. She never replied. 2 of the women that were going know the OW. I told them they were triggers for me and they claimed to understand, but no reply from my friend, and no inquires as to how I am doing, has made me rethink my friendship with these women. Another reason why I am feeling so fucking sad. He had an affair with a friend. It has affected other friendships for me as a result. He has taken so much from me with that one act.
I haven’t slept or eaten much and am finally getting out of bed today. I never thought Sunday would knock the wind out of me. I didn’t think I would feel the sadness and anger as deeply as I have. It’s sad that I have chosen to let go of 2 friends because they are triggers. It’s sad that I have little respect or love for my H. It’s sad that I don’t feel strong enough to leave the house. It’s times like these that I question why it still saddens me to the very core of my soul. It’s sad that what few people I have told, 3 are gone from my life now and I have no local friends. I get mad at myself for not being stronger or more motivated for taking charge or my emotions, but I remind myself that I’m not a Vulcan. Today I’m wishing I could wish it all to the cornfield but I have to ride it out and find the wisdom of it. I'm sick of this shit
Olive Mee,
DeleteI don't blame you for being sick of it. It's sickening that any of us have to deal with it. And I'm sorry that you've lost people you thought were friends.
I also went through something of a cull of friends in the wake of D-Day. I became aware of just who in my life wasn't a true friend -- supportive, honest. I retreated into something of a cocoon. But I reminded myself that maybe I would emerge stronger and more beautiful -- a butterfly.
It might help to think of this time like that. The chance to metamorphose into something different. Stronger, resilient. To be able to cut loose those who weren't truly friends, who weren't able to be there for you, who lacked the courage or integrity. I know it's excruciating in the short term. But it sounds as if you deserve far better friends than they know how to be.
Olive Mae,
DeleteBoy, do I understand how you feel. I really hate that question about my weight loss and the compliments. I lost 45 pounds total and I do look much healthier now, but the initial weight loss was dangerous, and I only look healthy now because of my incredibly hard work trying to take care of myself all the time (in order to dig myself out of a huge emotional hole!) I had a coworker tell me I looked great in a bathing suit at a party recently, and I couldn't help but reply that I was not worth any more now that people approve of my figure than I was worth before. I know she was confused by my response. Most of the time I can return an automatic, "thanks.", but not always. I feel so fake when people say that. I don't know how to explain it.
I also understand about the friends. I actually talked with my therapist about this specifically. I thought there must be something wrong with me that I can't stand to be around certain people anymore. I prefer to be alone than with some of my previous friends. I was worried this was a sign of serious depression. Through exploration of this, I now see that I really didn't like being with them before. They were the gossipy type. The mean girls. I hung around from time-to-time so that I wouldn't feel left out socially. Now I just have no patience for that. I really only want to be with people who are genuine and trustworthy. People I can feel good about and not need to take a shower after being near them.I should have spoken up sooner and spent less time with them long ago. It's sad it took going through the betrayal to feel empowered to choose different friends.I do feel lonely sometimes with fewer friends, but I assume over time I'll be adding better friends to replace the ones I just don't have anything in common with and don't enjoy/share values with. Hugs to you. I'm sorry you got triggered by the comment and the response from your friend. I've been there too. Sometimes when that happens to me, I give myself permission to be sad and I just sit with it for a while (no apologies to H are necessary of course). My real pain comes from trying to fight off these negative feelings. Letting myself cry and feel sad about things that are truly sad is the right answer for me.
Thank you Elle. Guess I was taken by surprise by my reaction. I've been doing so well since fuck this shit Tuesday. I didn't think I would respond so emotionally and for so many days. I didn't want too. But, I have to remind myself of what I'm dealing with and that my H drug his feet for 7.5 months before he decided to deal with this mess and I'm still unsure of where he stands as a result of the events of the past year. It's just so sad. Times like these remind me of the time I've lost that can never be regained and how lost I can feel. It's so frustrating cause I don't want to feel sad and lost. I'd much rather just feel sad. I know I'll work through it and hopefully learn what I need before DD1 and be a pro by DD2. The friend thing doesn't hurt as much as the H thing. Poo!!
DeleteOlive Mee, I'm sorry, so sorry you are having this rough patch. It just sucks and you are allowed to be sick of it.
DeleteI feel you on the lbs. I lost that kind of weight in the first few months post dday. Thing is, our society is so appearance and weight loss focused, when people see someone who lost weight, they think it is OK to comment on their bodies or ask "how they did it" because they want the magic weight loss secret too. I got to the point where I either said "trust me, you want not part of how I lost this weight?" or " I tracked my food in the SparkPeople app" (which was true but it was to make sure I was eating enough to stop my weight from free falling). Depending on the context an dhow I was feeling in the moment.
I'm glad you had a good cry and just felt whatever came up. I'm glad your h sat with you and didn't turn away or hide.
As far as the friends go, its hard to know that they aren't able to step up for you, but as Elle suggests, you may be better without these people, if they can't handle your truth and reality. Honestly, they might be scared (people like to think this will never happen to them). I certainly lost friends when the divorce became public knowledge, like people think it is contagious. And I know for some of my friends, seeing what I am going through got them to thinking hard about their own life and happiness. For the more resilient this was a good thing. For some, well they have opted out of my life. And I'm OK with that. I went out after dday, not knowing if he was staying or going, knowing I had to reclaim my identify and forge a new life for myself. I am closer with some old friends, closer than ever with my sister and made some awesome new friends by joining a volunteer group and taking up painting classes and piano lessons. Maybe there's something you've always wished to do. Want to scuba dive? I bet someone teaches that in the pool at the local high school. Do something new that gets you a chance to meet new people (Meetup is great for this). Just, you know, on your own time and when/if you think that is something you want to try.
For now it is OK to go slow and go back to bed. Have a cup of tea, veg out to netflix. Nap. Be sick of this shit. Have a nice long soak in the tub. Whatever you need right now is all OK. Don't expect yourself to be able to leave the house or anything else. You are where you are. Hugs Olive Mee...
Olive Mee, I've been exactly where you are and it is always a surprise when I go down that dark hole after some trigger. Elle says this is normal. The universe is saying, "be kind and compassionate" to yourself. Be your own best friend. I've purged friends and after 2 plus years I'm just now getting back to having lunch with girlfriends I've felt safe with in the past. As for the weight thing, I lost 50 pounds and yes the feedback was overwhelmingly positive and I always felt like, "well if you only knew why I can't eat" but I would say something like, "I've had a complete life change that includes nutrition, exercise and stress reduction through mindfulness". Overall, that is true but the jump start through D-day was awful and I wondered if I would survive. I've gained almost 10 pounds back through stress eating but we leave next week for our winter home so I understand why and plan to get back to a better lifestyle soon. This journey seems like two steps forward and one back at times and other times it feels like three steps backwards and zero steps forward. Coming to grips with the truth is hard. When your spouse, without your knowledge, permission or approval, downgrades your marriage to something as a business relationship it sucks. I'm a novice to the healing trail but it is clear to me that I cannot manage me, my feelings and thoughts and my life while trying to be someone I am not. I'm almost ready to meet new friends but not quite. Maybe a book group or something benign will be my first step but I prefer my own company and solitude still as I heal. My therapist is so helpful when I need to talk about "stuff". Sometimes my fear is that I am doing such a good job of taking care of me that I really won't care to stay with him. Time will tell. You are still so vulnerable and your heart is so tender with this pain. You have seen how strong you can be when that window of self-care and self-realization surfaces just like your "fuck this shit Tuesday". God I LOVE that phrase so much and told my therapist about that. She loves it too. You are my new secret hero and as I hear myself mutter, "fuck this shit" under my breath I visualize you as my new Goddess friend. This too shall pass and the sun will come out and the rain will come and the rainbow will come out and the cycle repeats. We understand, we love you and we will hold your heart gently while you weep at the unfairness of this. Your women "friends" sound more like "acquaintances" at this point. Stay true to yourself and take no hostages. If I can't be myself with my friends I won't play. Period. Much love to you.
DeleteI find one thing can really throw me off. I am going along doing well and then it gets me. I have thought a lot about it and for me at least I am not that resilient. I am strong and hold it together but it is taking a toll on me. It comes in so many different forms. I have not told my friends but I swear all they do is bring up infidelity and people getting divorced and so much judgement. I keep trying to divert conversations or even just make a general statement hoping these people are happy and doing what is best for them since none of us really know how they feel or what they are going through. But this causes me to push away and isolate. I really do not have any friends that are understanding. And my friends I think are too much like me. They would never cheat and probably fall more on the highly moralistic side of things.
DeleteThis weekend was so hard. I won't get into it all. My husband let me down. He didn't do anything that wrong but again I am not that resilient. He said he felt like we were farther along. I explain to him he does not understand how I feel or what I have been through. He continues to tell me he does but it does not match up. In general he feels like I only focus on the past or the negative. I feel like my only choice is to ignore what happened and also this weekend I honestly thought is he trying to force me to leave him. He was floored and could not believe this. To me this is a red flag. We had a serious talk in April and he said he got how serious it was and here we are back again. I am to the point I do not know if I can keep wondering what he will do. And he hangs his hat on it has nothing to do with women or his behaviors and choices in that area. He says he could be followed by a camera and I would be fine with all of it. So he sees himself as doing well. I am so tired of all of this.
Yeah, the Infidelity Diet is highly effective. But it drains you of life.
DeleteIt can help to realize that, when we have these setbacks, we're not actually back at the beginning. We're just re-processing or dealing with parts that still need our attention. It's a LOT to process. And it takes a really long time. Be gentle with yourself when you feel yourself sinking into sadness or despair. Remember it's just part of this. We don't get highs without also dealing with lows.
Hopeful,
DeleteI'm sorry you are having a rough time. I think you and I are close in time frame...I'm approaching 2 years and 5 months. I haven't told too many people about what happened. I think it's s total of 3, including our therapist. I do have one friend who I've hinted at it with but I've never come out and told her directly. She went through infidelity with her fiancé (now husband). I wonder how people would judge me and my husband if they knew. It's certainly far easier to keep my circle small.
My husband tells me I'm the strongest person he knows, but I don't feel that way most of the time. I find that I have the toughest time when I'm not taking care of myself. We've had really good days lately but as this week has gone on I've started to realize I'm accommodating everyone and not taking time for myself. I think it's just that it's hectic with kids going back to school, our anniversary, birthdays, work, etc... When things get crazy, I put myself last and tend to fall back into negativity. I noticed this morning as I was running late and irritated that I intentionally avoided my husband when he came into the room to kiss me goodbye. It's a simple thing but it's me acting out of anger rather than saying, "I could use a little extra help with the kids this morning." And I find when he makes a mistake I'm much quicker to judge harshly than i do when I'm taking good care of myself.
If your husband let you down, did you have the opportunity to talk to him about it? Yes, it stinks to have to rehash the unpleasant stuff, but if you need to talk, you need to talk. I know my husband gets that he caused damage, but I'm not sure he realized that at this point we would still be discussing the fallout. I don't know that I the even anticipated it. I try not to throw what he did back at him and try to focus more on what I'm feeling at the moment. I think even then it's a reminder for him of the shitty things he did. But I think ignoring what happened isn't healthy for you. It sounds a little like you feel like he is not respecting boundaries when you say you all talked seriously several months ago and that you felt recently like he might be trying to force you to leave. I could be way off and misreading what you've said and I hope I'm not overstepping.
I wish I had more advice. It's really hard when you don't have anyone to talk with about it.
Thank you all for your loving, understanding and compassionate replies. The lows are hard to tolerate when you've been high for a while, but I'm grateful for them. They help me process the hurt that is still there and prepare me for the future. I'm feeling much better and H was there to listen, validate and share his shame and remorse for how his choices have affected me/us. Those simple acts do help me realize that he is sincere and they lead to healing. I hope you are all enjoying this lovely Sunday. Love to you all
DeleteOlive Mee, The other thing that helped me get through the lows was my therapist referring to them, not as regressing, but as "recycling". She insisted that we sometimes need to circle back and revisit some of the pain in order to work through it from this newer vantage point. You bring some of your gathered wisdom back with you. So even though it might feel like you're 'back' where you were, you're coming at it differently.
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DeleteYes!!! That's exactly right, Elle. Thank you for putting that into such beautiful words of truth, strength and empathy. All that I have learned in the past 9 months, reading this blog, books, etc., I know see that it makes the down time more of a healing/growth time and not one of "how could he do this to me pain" time. Reading all the amazing replies from all of you amazing women, I am reminded of the day I first posted on this blog in mid January of this year, and the all supportive and empathic responses I received. And shortly after I went to see a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants to help me with the emotional spikes. I remember him telling me that I would know joy again in the near future. It was such a dark time with no hope in sight for the marriage. I never considered hope for myself. So yea, no more beating myself up for down time cause it's really process/growth time. No more beating myself up for my blessed isolation as I have learned so fucking much from it. I see my future as one pregnant with possibilities now and I love you all so much and am so grateful to be part of this amazing tribe.
DeleteBeach Girl 8/31.
DeleteThank you for your wonderful and simpatico reply. Damn!! It's sad to relate as we do, but I'm so grateful that we do cuz we help raise each other to our best and most amazing selves. I'm in a book club that has been instrumental in my growth during the shit storm. There's 6 of us, 4 in the east coast and 2 of us here in California. I know 4 of the woman personally, but it's helped me so much to "socialize" again, even if it's over the phone once a week. We are reading a woman's empowerment book and the growth we've all shared has been so wonderful. This is our 2nd book so they have been present through the shit storm from the get go. It's really helped me to trust considering that the OW was a friend. Not sure if it's okay to mention the name of the book. Elle, let me know. Any way, I would say a book club is a good way to get your feet wet. I've been thinking about reaching out to the Women's Center where I used to volunteer as a victims advocate and see about possibly starting a support group for the betrayed. I realize betrayal comes in many forms now and I experienced first hand what the women that went to that crisis center went through. They got support in many ways, but not in the department of betrayal. This blog has been my motivation. It would be a huge step for me and one that I am seriously considering.
As far as Fuck this shit, I encourage you to say it out loud and often. I never thought 3 simple words could be so empowering, but they are. WE are all Goddesses and you are also a personal hero of mine.
We will transcend. We will find our happy places again. I refuse to think otherwise.
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Things have been going pretty good the last few weeks. Husband even said we'd go on vacation to my place of choice. Well today I think that all changed.. my H has an event to go to and she might be there. So I told him I was going with him. And he said huh no ... I told him for my sanity I had to go cause she might be there..so he said fine I'm not going then.. ( I wonder why ) well now he's mad at me. He said it's been like 5 or 6 months .. huh no it's only been 2 1/2-- 3 months... but I'm suppose to just get over it..
ReplyDeleteIzzy,
DeleteThis would set off alarm bells for me for a couple of reasons. Number one: Why doesn't he want you there? Number two: Why does he think he's the one determining your course of action rather than letting you determine what you need? Oh, and another question: How long has he been using anger to control you?
Are you two in any sort of counselling to learn how to better communicate? Cause it sounds as if he resorts to pouting, sulking and anger rather than empathy. He's the one that cheated, not you. You get to set the rules of reconciliation, not him.
Elle , I guess he doesn't want me to go cause he's afraid I might say or do something . He's still says NOTHING happened and it was just friends talking. ( I don't know cause he deleted everything when I asked to see it ) I think he just wants me to be the good little housewife and not cause any stink.. and as for counselling, no he refuses to go. He got mad when he found out I went and that i also told a friend of mine about everything. ( I've know her for 35 + years ) he'd be mad as hell if he seen this.. he pouted all night and will probly pout all day too. I get the silent treatment alot these days. Well only if i bring this up.
Deleteit always seems to be 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. But thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.
Izzy,
DeleteYour husband is manipulating you. He is controlling you with the silent treatment, with his pouting, with his moods. The question is: why are you letting him? He has hurt you deeply. He doesn't get to determine how you heal from this. It's crucial to be able to talk about it. It's crucial to have emotional support through this. Otherwise, the pain will come out as depression or self-loathing or some other unhealthy way.
Izzy, you did not deserve his cheating (and I don't care if it wasn't physical. He was clearly having inappropriate conversations at the very least. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing).
Please continue to see your counsellor. Fight like hell for yourself and your right to treat yourself with respect and kindness. You are so much better than this.
When he gives you the silent treatment, I want you to simply remind yourself that it's a countermove designed to get you to back down and give in to what he wants. When he pouts, it's a countermove designed to get you to back down and give in. Children do that. And when we give in, we teach them that it works. Well, it needs to not work anymore. He needs to realize that you will not just roll over and accept this. That you are his wife who deserves honesty and respect and support. Clearly he can't treat you like that so you lead by example. Treat yourself with respect, with kindness, with dignity. And do whatever you need to do to find support through this.
And, Izzy, I want you to think about where you learned that it was okay for others to treat you like your needs don't matter. In my case, I learned it in childhood. That everyone else's needs were important but mine were not. So I needed to re-learn as an adult that, in a healthy marriage/family, everyone's needs matter equally. We have times when someone's needs might take priority (during an illness, perhaps). Think about it. Because I suspect you learned a long time ago to dismiss your own needs. And that's something that needs to change.
DeleteI'm not sure where I lost myself along the way . If it was the abusive home life when I was a kid or my first marriage but I've always seemed to take care of everyone. I'm an only child and I basically had to raise myself, cuz my mother was always gone out or if she was married she always had an abusive husband. My first husband was controlling and it was his way or no way. So I guess just along the way I've just lost myself and always make sure everybody else is took care of
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the fact of being an only child. For me I think this factors into it a lot. I did not have any sort of abuse or negative home situation but being an only child I spent the majority of time alone. I know many people with siblings took care of them or had additional responsibilities. But for an only child it is really different since you are alone a lot. When I look back I always thought that made me strong and independent. I wonder if it made me too much so. I think for my husband that was a positive. I was not the person that would care at all if he went away for a weekend, was golfing etc. I honestly am happy and content to go to eat alone at a restaurant, go to a movie alone or even enjoy my time alone at home more than if others are around. I have found these tendencies have become exaggerated now in order I think to protect myself and be more vigilant. So I feel like it is the opposite of what is described I only worried about myself and took care of myself. I never had to even consider anyone else. But the flip side is that was lonely at times. I was also much more mature and spent more time with adults than my peers. Take care of yourself for sure!
DeleteWell it's day 2 of the silent treatment , and I can't stand it. I read a survey that said the silent treatment is actually a form of emotional abuse? I'm not sure if it is or not but it feels about the same. When he's at work and I text him it takes him a long time to text back and it's usually just one word at a time, I called him this afternoon and he was real short and to the point and had to get off the phone. Really because he's self-employed he can do whatever the hell he wants I guess he just doesn't want to talk to me and it's very hurtful. I've done nothing wrong but love him and cherish him and take care of him and in return He talks to some bimbo.
DeleteThe silent treatment started because I told him I was going with him next week to this event that she might be at. So what should I do should I just stay home and let him go and just hope nothing happens or do I stick to my guns and go with him whether he likes it or not? But of course he told me if I was going then he wasn't going so I don't know what to do.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings it helps me a lot to voice things
Izzy. I dealt with the silent treatment with my first husband and yes, it's a form of emotional abuse. Reading your posts, I know that "it's" all so fresh for you and I get your fear about the what if's. They ruled me for years. My saving grace was staring those what if's in the face and experiencing the fear of the outcome. What I got out of that exercise was that I would survive the shit storm he created, would no longer be ruled by what he chooses to do, and be all the stronger for it.
DeleteAfter a few years of the silent treatment from H #1, I just didn't care to play anymore so I would tell him to speak up when he was ready and I would go about my day. It was hard as hell in the beginning...I so get how it drives you nuts...but ignoring it became easier as time went by, and he eventually changed the behavior to verbal abuse...idiot. Oh the tantrums he would throw when I would ignore him. It's laughable looking back, but those were ugly and empowering times. He's acting like a child trying to get his way. Don't give in. It's so not worth it.
I will ask you to spend some time exploring worse case scenarios. Seriously, if you are up to it, give it a try. Remember you are safe cause you are exploring this in your mind. I did this from DD1 and well after DD2 and I'm so glad I did. Yea, it hard a hard pill to swallow exploring this cause you didn't sign up for this shit, but it's amazingly empowering to realize you will survive this on your own terms. I had an exit plan before DD2 hit. It was one thing less I didn't have to worry about. It also took the fear out of that horrible question "how will I survive without him?" I did this on my own at first. I didn't want to be influenced by anyone's opinion. After a few daze of exploration and journaling, I shared with my best friend that helped me through this and she offered some questions and scenarios I had not thought of, all to further my recognition of strength and empowerment. Again, I cried at having to even have to do that exercise, but it's gotten me through some tough times without fear of the what if's. The what if's make this journey more of a bitch by keeping stuck in fear of life without him.
As far as the event, if you don't go and he stays, know there'll be hell to pay. You know how he is so be ready with your boundaries and don't give in. Don't fuel the fire by letting him get under your skin and you letting him know that he is hurting you. That's exactly what he wants. Remember, he created the shit storm, not you. He is punishing you for not getting over it, instead of him dealing with what he created.
Stay strong by focusing on you, not your fears of the what if's and know what we are all rooting for you. Sending strength and hugs to you...♥
Izzy,
DeleteOlive Mee has given you some really great suggestions. So often we learn from those who've gone through the same situations as we are. And Olive is right that the silent treatment is emotional abuse. It is manipulation-- a way to get you to "behave". Don't fall for it. As Olive Men suggests, as best you can (and it will take practice!!), go about your life. When he sees it's not working, he'll try something else. But if you can begin to see his behaviour as countermoves to get you to fall into line then it's easier to not take it personally. It isn't about you at all. He's behaving like a child and resents anyone expecting him to be accountable for his life.
I don't doubt that your childhood provided the blueprint for marriage to a guy like this. But the crazy thing about betrayal is that, in the midst of this horrible pain, we're given a choice: to carry on the way we have been or to take stock of where we are in life and the choices we've made and figure out how we want things to be different. Betrayal shakes everything up and can, if we let it, provide new eyes for us to see our lives. Are we happy? Do we actually like this person we're married to? What do we need? How do we create a marriage in which we're respected and valued? If we can't create that, how can we leave the marriage safely? And so on. Izzy, you have a voice that deserves to be heard. You have needs that matter. YOU matter. But you need to treat yourself like you matter.
Olive Mee & Elle ,
DeleteThank you for all the advice and encouragement. I don't understand where I went wrong and how I became so weak. I hope things will work out for the best no matter what that might be, I hope it will be with my husband, if he'll get his head out of his ass. I just wish he could feel how bad that I feel. But I know if I would have done this to him he would have already thrown my ass out. I do know this that if she text him anymore or if I find out they've been talking anymore I will call her husband and let him know everything, even if it was just talking it was too much talking! But once again thank you and I will survive one way or the other lol many hugs to you girls
Elle, I couldn't agree more with what you wrote about Choices. Choices we have, and there are so many, the ones we made that later on down the line, sometimes years later, we realize they didn't work, the choices we can make now on how to continue with OUR lives in the wake of the devastation created by someone else. Since fuck this shit Tuesday, and letting go of any hope he would have the desire to deal with his issues or wondering if the marriage can be salvaged, I have been freed of much doubt, pain and fear. Yea, sadness is present over all of this, but it's not overwhelming on a daily basis, and that's because I don't live in that fear. There are times when I wonder if he would have just dealt with the issues that got us here, maybe, just maybe, this could have all been avoided, but that's not how it worked out. I can't go back, but I can learn from the past and fully be the hand in writing my future. I don't have to lose myself by accommodating him and his behavior to keep the peace. It's astounding that I gave up so much of myself to keep him happy. Mind boggling really, and I never questioned my behavior. Choices have always been present in my life, but I lost sight of that because of social conditioning, lack of self worth, and forgetting that I lived my life long before he ever came along.
DeleteElle, This is what grabbed me by the booboo today because these are the questions I've been seriously asking myself since last Sunday. This, for me, is what has resulted in letting go of fear and practicing radical self care...
"Betrayal shakes everything up and can, if we let it, provide new eyes for us to see our lives. Are we happy? Do we actually like this person we're married to? What do we need? How do we create a marriage in which we're respected and valued? If we can't create that, how can we leave the marriage safely? And so on. Izzy, you have a voice that deserves to be heard. You have needs that matter. YOU matter. But you need to treat yourself like you matter."
Hallelujah!!!
It's okay to have these questions, even if they hurt like hell and are the complete opposite of what we believed.
It's okay to make our own choices and not worry about if he'll be butt hurt, because we are not setting out to intentionally hurt anyone by taking care of ourselves.
It's okay to want a more fulfilling and nurturing partnership with or without him.
But most importantly, It's okay to have a life of your own.
Izzy, You are not weak. No way. You did what I did. You wanted to keep the peace at any cost. Our men know how to manipulate us into submission. We being the loving wives that we are did what we thought was best with no regard to ourselves. I have told my husband that I got why he didn't like me. Why he told me I became boring to him. I told him I did what I did to keep things good between us and he didn't like what he created. He didn't like what his beating down made of me. I take full responsibility of my choices. He didn't put a gun to my head, but he did manipulate me cause he's that good, and I thought that the choices I made would make him happy. Boy was I a lost soul. I just didn't want to see what my grieving really was. So no, you are in no way weak. You are a strong woman that did what she thought was the right thing to do and they took advantage of that. Look at it as a lesson, not a mistake.
DeleteAs far as wanting him to understand your pain. Been there to an almost desperate level. I figured that if he understood my pain it would change him. I was wrong. He didn't want to deal with the pain on any level...his or mine. Hence, him being on the fence for 7.5 months. This is where my radical self care came in. I turned that need towards myself and dealt with my pain how I saw fit. I couldn't rely on him. He just was't ready. I still question the sincerity of his dealing with it now, but he's only been doing it for 2 months. It's gonna take time. Use that time to focus on yourself.
Izzy and Olive Mee, Peace at all costs usually means that you're the one paying the price. It's terrifying to rock the boat when you're convinced that your value is in always being calm and smoothing things over. Well fuck that. If people want you to be easygoing, then they should behave better.
DeleteIzzy, you are not weak. You have been taught, over years, that your needs don't matter. Well, it's time to unlearn that lesson. This is your chance to discover just who you are and what you want in life. You deserve to live a life in which you are treated with respect and kindness.
Your husband may never "feel" what he's done to you because I suspect he avoids empathizing with you. To actually imagine how you feel means he would have to take responsibility for how he treats you. And he doesn't want to do that. Instead, he convinces himself (and you!) that you somehow deserve how you're treated.
Maybe he'll finally pull his head out of his ass. I hope for your sake (and his!) that he does. But in the meantime, I want YOU to lead by example. Treat yourself with respect and kindness. Do not put up with anything less.
I'm not feeling very strong these days. Since finding out about the affair 2+ years ago, I have developed anxiety. My depression is a lot better but the anxiety remains. Just yesterday I wanted to think through some things so after dropping my daughter off at a friends house, I stopped by the local skate park to sit in my car and work through my thoughts. The park itself was empty but there were 3 other random vehicles scattered in the lot. I couldn't help but wonder what they were doing. Immediately I thought they were all cheating husbands connecting with their Other Woman. My husband's affair was with a co-worker (who thankfully doesn't work there anymore). They had sex in her car in vacant lots as well as on property. My mind immediately started to make those connections and a panic/anxiety attack ensued. If my depression is almost gone and we're healing through this process, why do I still get these horrible anxiety attacks? Will they be with me forever?? ~Sunflower
ReplyDeleteSunflower, yep, anxiety at 2+ years is there for me too. I have fewer and fewer attacks since I set up more boundaries. Do you have enough boundaries set? Does he make you feel safe on a daily basis? I know the barrage of ideas that goes through our heads, but is there anything that you can get out of your head by talking things through with your H?
DeleteI also know that sometimes we do things to get to rock bottom. We want to suffer through things. Try not to sit in a car anywhere and think, as it's going to go poorly and trigger thoughts. Don't set yourself up to feel bad. If anything, go rent a convertible and get on an open highway and have the time of your life driving and throw those thoughts to the freakin airspace! You deserve to be free of it.
I just set another boundary just a month ago and it makes me feel more at ease. I feel empowered by each boundary. They are set, but at the same time if he would go back on his commitment I know that the power of each boundary makes me feel safe in the event that I'm all alone one day. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and that is freeing! I set the boundary and if he blows through it, then I'm done and I'm also OK.
Sunflower, think of some ideas to build your strength! Maybe journal a bit about what is going right in your life. Depression is almost gone - yay! Buy something that will remind you of how far you've come. I'm from Minnesota, so I bought myself a t-shirt that says "You Betcha" right after dday. When I wear that I think to myself..."You Betcha! It's been a cluster fuck of a journey until now and you better betcha I'm better now!" :) It's my super power shirt that was $7.99. Silly as it is, sometimes $7.99 is all it takes to make me feel like I got it together! I wear it on days I don't feel the best - You betcha! xo Hugs
Sunflower
DeleteI have no idea of forever or how long but I had a sheer panic attack last night right after talking to my h who happens to have been on an overnight business trip and it's silly but I found a yellow sticky note folded on his chest of drawers as I was cleaning and all it said was J contact me! It was signed by the same name as cow! I was immediately brought to my knees and had the racing heart just like dday! This time when I triggered, I called him back and told him how finding that made me feel. I know it wasn't from her but the feelings were still the same. I know it was from a co worker that needed him to check information for the project he is leading, but I still had to hear him say it and hear his voice to calm me down. He couldn't stop saying how sorry he was and that he loved me and he would be home tomorrow. He called me this morning text me when he left the plant he was working in and he called me when he arrived back to his office. He's texted twice in fun messages and I know that how I felt last night was normal given that this is still the first year of no contact. I don't know what causes it to be this way but I know that it doesn't last as long for me if I can have contact of reassurance from my h. Hugs! I know how that feels!
I am past 2 1/2 years and for me anxiety is what sticks around more than pain, sadness or depression related to all of this. I do find my anxiety increases when there is other stress in my/our lives. I have worked really hard to say no to other things and still focus on only the things I need to do or really want to do. This has helped but stress happens in life of course and I feel it. I am on edge and I am triggered more easily. I would say since the beginning and still to this day I do what Theresa explained she did when finding the post it. My husband since day one said call me or text me anytime I need anything. He told me he would get mad at me if he finds out I was hurting or upset and did not reach out to him. Also my therapist said he should be helping me through these triggers both as we heal together and so he can see and feel what I am going through and how it impacts my life. It felt good hearing that from my therapist. I think it is true going through this together has brought us closer than ever. I would not wish this upon anyone but if it happened I am glad it came out so we can grow closer and salvage the rest of our years together.
DeleteThe other things that have helped if I anticipate something might trigger me I bring it up to him. And many times he will say he already thought of that too. It also helps since then he can ask me what he can do and/or he is more aware and sensitive. We talk about everything in advance whether it is going to play golf, watch a game, going out to eat with family everything now. It is so different than how we used to be but it is healthier, better and we both like it more now. He said he was worried this would be too hard or feel like work since he lived his life in a selfish way but he says he has found it to make his life more fulfilling than ever before. This has been a process though and has taken a long time and we still have bumps even now at over 2 1/2 years past dday. The good thing is we talk about everything openly now.
Sunflower, I think the anxiety is often a symptom of some post-trauma. Our brain files the trauma of betrayal, or rather misfiles it, in a way that makes it feel immediate. Long after the threat is past, our brain is still on "danger, danger" mode.
DeleteIt can help to pay attention to the anxiety (where does it show up in your body? What triggers it?) but talk back to it. Remind yourself that you're fine. That any threat isn't imminent. That you are safe and that you can keep yourself safe.
It can also help to do some post-trauma work with a therapist. EMDR is highly effective but there are other therapies too. Do some exploring and see what you can find in your area. You don't need to live like this. Sometimes it's a matter of time. In my case, however, it was a matter of refiling the trauma of betrayal so that it became a memory, not an immediate fear.
Sunflower, Anxiety has been a part of most of my adult life but never at the level I've experienced with the devastation and uncertainty of his choices. I'm talking 35 of my 55 years on this lovely blue marble. It's part of the reason why I lost 50 pounds. Part of the reason I had a bout with diverticulitis...too much xanax...and the biggest reason I had to let go of the fear of what he was going to do. Elle's post about control really resonated with me cause a lot of anxiety stems from a feeling of lack of control. I can not control him, but I can control how his actions affect me. Also, anxiety is created from worry. Worry about the uncertainty of the future. It's funky stuff. I'm not an expert, but as I've been dealing with it for 3+ decades, I've learned a bit about it. You can control it and get it to a manageable level, but considering the trauma and triggers we deal with it's sometimes tough. Like Elle suggests, educate yourself about the bastard that anxiety is so you can take the fear out of it and future attacks. One of the good things that has come out of the shit storm and fuck this shit Tuesday, is that I hardly have anxiety now. Not even low levels of it. For me it's sort of miraculous. I haven't popped a xanax for over 4 months. I'm not saying that I don't have anxiety at times but it goes as quick as it comes because I'm not afraid to look at it squarely in the eyes and tell it "do your worse." You got this. We all do. I'm tellin ya WE will transcend....♥
DeleteOlive Mee, This is amazing. I'm so glad that anxiety isn't the problem it has been. I have a child who suffers from anxiety and it's such an exhausting way to go through life. There is so much we don't control in life. And that can, at first, be more anxiety-provoking. Or, if we can learn, it can be liberating. It frees us from so much responsibility. All we're responsible for is ourselves and how we conduct ourselves each day. That's it. Moment by moment. Day by Day.
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