I hope one day soon I can feel this way again. My D-day was May 31st. And I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart... My husband had been texting another woman since Oct 2016 not a bunch but in May it was 1000+ (all hours of the day and night ) he was also out of town ( same town she was in ) she was the one that initiated most the text. Most days she texts first. But my husband couldn't stop himself from texting her back He swears it was just friendly talk. But when I asked to see the messages he had deleted them..so I have no proof anything happened but I also don't have any proof it didn't. He would text her with me sitting right there.my best friend had a similar incident when she asked me if her man was texting someone and was deleting the messages what did I think? Me and my husband both agreed if he was deleting the messages he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing. But when it comes to my husband I guess it was okay for him to delete the messages. I had no clue we were happy .. we have been together 20 yrs. Married 19 yrs. He hasnt text her since june 1st. But she has text him about 10 times since and also messaged him on facebook. (Shes been unfriended ) and we have deactivated our accounts . I used to be on top of the world my husband made me feel safe , happy and loved like no other.. but now i feel low , dirty , and unworthy. I am so sad and upset I cry at the drop of a hat. I've gone to therapy a few times and my doctor has prescribed an antidepressant and anxiety medicine it seems to help some but not completely. I'm just so ready to feel normal again. The woman he was texting is also married...
Being blindsided by the one person you thought would never let you down is overwhelming and takes your breath away. Three years ago someone on this blog told me to just breathe --- and that was a good start.
To this day, just thinking about my d-day brings back memories of that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Reading your post I can still feel the ache of the loss of everything we had built throughout our 26 year marriage. Right now this mountain seems insurmountable and the ground has been pulled out from under you. But believe me when I tell you that your world will right itself again --- in time. You will be able to think clearly again and put yourself first by deciding how to move forward and whether he will move forward with you. Most importantly, in time you will realize that you are not low, dirty or unworthy! The situation you now find yourself in was caused by someone else's bad choices and is a refection of his lack of judgment and unworthiness, not yours.
I'm sorry for your loss --- because that is truly what this is, the loss of a love, the loss of a life built and the loss of innocence. I hate what our cheating spouses have done to us but please know that you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you were. Someday, Elle's post above will ring true for you and you will see that this thing does not define you.
Izzy, It hurts me to hear you say how you feel about yourself after finding out your husband has been texting another woman. Unfortunately, I know those feelings all too well. It's hard to process now but I hope you realize this had NOTHING to do with you. Your husband made his choices based upon his own issues. The married woman he was texting did the same. For those of us who choose to remain loyal and honest in our relationships, it''s hard to fathom how the person we love could choose to hurt us. But all signs point back to them being hurt or damaged themselves. I spent a lot of time wondering where I went wrong. And while I wasn't a perfect wife (no one is), I'm finally at a point where I know it was never about me. I highly recommend therapy. My husband and I went jointly and individually. Continue to post here and you'll find an amazing source of support. Hugs! Take care of yourself!
Izzy I'm so sorry for the pain and disappointment I know you feel! I remember well that feeling of being held under water and no way to go up for air! I'm hoping you're being kind to yourself because I remember not being able to do anything for the first few months and then I only ate because my h was feeding us! I wasn't able to shop much less cook! It takes time and I hope that you have the kind of h that truly has changed for the better as a result of his poor choices. Keep posting here and just know we're all here for you! Sending hugs!
Izzy, can you contact your cell phone company and get copies of the deleted texts? You ARE worthy. Your H is not. This is his bad choice, it does NOT reflect on you. You deserve nothing less than to have your H keep each and every one of his vows to you.
Izzy, If he has nothing to hide, then he wouldn't be hiding something. By deleting the texts, he's telling you that he has something to hide. Your instincts (the anxiety, the fear) are spot on. But when someone is telling us that our instincts are off, that's when we feel completely off balance. So it's completely understandable that you feel destabilized right now. Would you consider contacting her husband? See what he knows? Whether or not the texts actually extend beyond "friendly" remains to be seen but they were inappropriately secret in any case. Will your husband consider going to a couples counsellor to work this out? I don't see how simply waiting for the confusion/pain to pass will actually solve anything. Until he's willing to do the work of figuring out WHY he was texting someone so obsessively, then the problem still exists within your marriage. But please know, Izzy, this is HIS problem to figure out. He is the one involved with some sort of secret friendship. You did nothing wrong. But I would pay attention to your instincts, which are telling you, in no uncertain terms, that things don't add up.
Random thoughts, Thanks for the kind words. It is truly devastating what he's done to me. But he claims he didn't do anything but talk. But he hide it and deleted it so I wouldn't see it. So in my opinion it must have been bad. After 20 Years together I thought we were happy and still in love. He tells me daily how much he loves me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. But now I question everything he says cause of the lies he told me about the text. Are you and your husband still together ?
Danelion, Thanks. Yes it's very hard to feel good about anything right now. My first husband was a cheater and my husband now knows how devastated I was and when we got together he swore he'd NEVER hurt me. But in all honesty he's hurt me worse.. I've gone to therapy a few times but my therapist seems to see things more Cleary than I do..and my husband refuses to go..
Theresa, I'm trying to be kind to myself but it's so hard. I know it's all his fault but it's so hard to feel good about myself. I used to . My H made me feel like a queen but now I feel like the joker..
Browneyedgirl , I'm the account holder on our cell phones but they tell me I would have to have a court order to get them if even then. All I've ever wanted was to have a wonderful life long happy marriage. And I thought that's what we had.. I guess I was wrong...
Elle, It's totally devastating. I never dreamed he would do this to me. I told him if he was deleteing the text it was inappropriate. I threatened to call her husband but I haven't yet. If she contacts my H anymore I will. I won't go in to great detail cause my husband is known all over the U.S. and goes to alot of events and sometimes this hooker is there. And my H says the text were just about the event that they were both at. But he left at midnight on a 12 hour drive and the text ALL night long and then for the next 3 days. I text him at 1245 one afternoon to see what he was doing. He called and told me his phone was dead... ( only to my number ) they text ovet 1000 times in one month. There were only 150 between us. he said he was upset that I was upset . And he said he told her they needed to stop cause his wife seen the bill and was upset. If that's what was really said.. cause now I don't believe anything he says. He also bought some new clothes while there and I noticed when he got got out of the shower when he got home that he trimmed up the play ground.. he says he done that a month before he left..B.S. He claims he's only been with 2 women his whole life. His ex and me.we've been together for 20 yrs. He says we'll be together for another 20 and he loves ONLY me forever ! He tells me daily that he loves me and I'm beautiful and he's lucky to have me.. but I thought we were happy..and I'm just so heart broke right now.. I love him soo much and all I ever wanted was to be happily married forever.. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement
Izzy, trust your instincts and insist he goes to MC with you. H has not given you the information you want (text messages) so it is completely reasonable for you to attempt to get them from your cell company or the cow's bh.
I love this word hug. I recently read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F%$#, and it was really good. The author used an analogy that really helped me put into words how I feel about this struggle to heal from betrayal and make something of beauty out of it. He said that everything that happens in anyone's life is their responsibility. Even tragic things in which a person is victimized. Rape, murder, literally everything. This is all my responsibility. But you can't confuse responsibility with fault. This is not my fault, but is very much my responsibility. Just as if someone dumped a newborn baby on your doorstep. That wouldn't be your fault. You didn't abandon the baby. It is, however, your responsibility to figure out what to do with it. You can step over it (ignore it) and go shopping or drinking to help you forget, you can cry out forever that this baby on your doorstep is not yours, you can take it to a fire station for someone else to raise, you can even feed it to a pitbull. The choice is completely yours. Staying in my marriage feels like attempting to raise this baby myself. It's the absolute hardest choice and is the most work, but it also has the biggest potential for reward for me at this time. It is still possible that I won't be able to do it and I will have to head to the fire station (divorce attorney-that's my plan B). Anyway, this analogy spells out how I feel about my strength now and how beautiful it can be to endure pain, walk through it, and make choices that are right for you and others despite it. I am healed enough to take responsibility now. That's not something you can do when you first open the door and see the baby laying there. It takes a minute, but eventually you can!
Ann - Your post moved me. Thank you for sharing those examples. As I struggle to heal because my husband still works with the woman he had a long term EA with, this reminds me that I have a responsibility to healing this. No, it's not my fault but I do have responsibility in how I handle this. How I heal. How I grow. And you are right - it is still possible I will end up heading to plan B...but...I am right with you where I feel that staying in my marriage feels like the biggest potential for reward, even with the challenges. Thank you for sharing! Thinking of you!
Saw that book in the bookstore the other day. Sounds interesting. And what you say makes a lot of sense. We talk a lot on this site about how our husband's choice to cheat isn't our fault. It's completely on them. But, like it or not, how we respond to that information is up to us. We can respond in a way that moves us forward or we can hide/avoid/pretend.
MomStrong Hi everyone. I'd like to post my story, but I'm not sure where or how. Can anyone offer me advice? I'm also not sure how to get a username... so I'll sign my stuff at the bottom and top. MomStrong
Hi MomStrong, I'm glad you found us. to get a user name, when you hit Post or Reply and the magic box opens up you'll see "Reply as:" in the bottom left. If you are logged into google it will be your google account (yikes right?) . But there is also that little pull down arrow. When you click on that you get lots of intimidating options. The one you want is "Name/URL". You can type "MomStrong" in the Name box and leave the URL blank and click continue. Voila! user name. Also, post your story anywhere. Post it here in this current thread or in the Finding out tab. There are no rules to Betrayed Wives Club (fight club anyone?) except, I think, "be kind". And I'm sending you a big hug, just for being here.
MomStrong, Yep, what Still Standing 1 says is absolutely true, right down to the "be kind". I never really thought of "rules" on this site necessarily but yes, I agree that 99.9% of us follow that one. And it makes this such a great safe supportive place to be.
I resemble that remark...... At least we have begun to the minute we allow the pain to die down and the strength to fill in the holes that were created in our hearts. I look back on all the hateful things he said or the hurtful things he did and realize his pain with himself helped magnify the hurt he forced in my direction..... I was an easy reminder of all he had done that was bad.... I was an innocent bystander waiting to see if he actually ever did love me..... He did.... He just never loved himself so how could he know what he had felt with me was love until he almost completely lost it....... and that is how I learned to fly. That is how we all learn to fly. We were forced off the limb by a force way stronger than we seemed. In order not to fall on our face we stretched out our faith and hope as strength to help pick us back up. It's been a while now since I found out. It's been 4 years 4 months and a few crazy days since my world forever changed. I realize now knowing is so much better than living a lie..... we all deserve to know the truth and decide for ourselves whether or not we can be respected as we deserve to be. I've still never cheated on my husband but I'll be honest since my world changed and I see everything differently I realize how easy it would have been for me to do just that..... but I'm me and being me means being loyal to what I know in my heart is true. Love exists and nobody on this earth can make me think it doesn't. It's real and it's all around us. I've determined in my heart "God" is love. Loyal and true ,)
Love you girls I've been in this dday bunker for a while and I'm still fighting for my life same as you everyday! Stay strong and know you are loved!!! - Ann from Texas
Ann from Texas, your words are so welcoming to my ears. At 2 years almost 2 months out I still often find myself so unsure of my future. I doubt my husband has any idea how deeply the knowledge of his past has affected me and my reality. Knowing there are women on this list, still married and living life after my two years is incredibly helpful. It has been a hard 24 hours for me. Read what I thought was going to be a love story that turned out to have some triggering twists to it that led me to ask a couple of questions last night that led to tears. Before I went to sleep I asked my husband, "Please do not make me regret my decision to stay with you." He said he would not, of course. Several hours later I woke up yelling in another nightmare. I haven't had one of those in awhile so today has been a bit funky. I'm trying not to feel dirty when he touches me but sometimes it is just hard knowing his attraction to escorts, massage parlors and prostitutes.
Beach Girl you are not alone but I noticed something you wrote that triggered something in me.... I too woke up screaming from nightmares many times.... and the feeling dirty part.... oh my gosh it was like you were in my mind too.... however, with time I've realized that we don't have to feel that way. We are the exact opposite of those things and that is what makes our husbands realize that they have to change or leave. He chose to change rather than leave. We don't have to act like they are the same person inside.... if they were they would leave. Breathe and believe in what his actions are not what we feel after nightmares or triggers..... living on feelings wastes beautiful healing moments. Allow yourselves to heal together not apart. I'm praying for all of us. We have been hurt so much but as I said I choose to love. I choose to believe. I choose to hope. In saying this I choose to LIVE! Love you girls! Stay strong and believe in all that is good in life. Don't think on what was. Think on what is now!!! - Ann from Texas
To be honest it's my nickname my whole name is longer ,) and I'm glad that you feel joy from what I've written. I know when we all first find out and even a few years after we are reeling but we get better. Everyday we get better and better. I found Elle and the girls back in 2013. Back when sleeping was never quite possible. It was in the middle of the night that I found them and realized I could still "hope" that God would make all things good for me no matter what..
I just found out tonight that my husband has been cheating since around July 25. I feel like I'm in a hole and am drowning. I have 2 beautiful boys and thought we had a pretty good marriage. I confronted him and the woman(by phone)tonight. He says he want to work this out if I'm willing. I don't even know where to begin. I just want to curl up in a dark room and not deal with it right now but I've got to be strong for my boys.
Meg we are all here for you. Stay strong and allow yourself to rest mentally so that you can stay strong inside. This is So important as you first learn everything. Please allow yourself to assess everything with an open mind. You have the power to choose what is best for uiur family and nobody is allowed to take your voice. Please take time to evaluate you and what you would like to see come of this. It's apparent that there are obvious changes that must be made in your relationship and this is a chance for you to both vocalize what you would like to see happen. It's ok to agree to disagree and meet in the middle.its ok to continue to love and it's ok to continue on the road to leaving. Now is your chance to "Live" in a world that you know is a personal choice to a path of truth. Love you tons! Stay strong! Remember we all make mistakes in this period. It's a bumpy road but at the end of the road you will be tons stronger. I developed into an even greater example of what a true woman of grace could be. You will to eventually. - Ann from Texas
Meg, I'm so glad you found us. We all know that horrible feeling. The shock, the pain, the confusion. Your boys do need you because this is frightening for them too, even if they don't understand exactly what's happening. But you absolutely must create time and space for you to absorb this. You do NOT need to decide what you want to do right away. You can say you want to work it out and then change your mind. You can say you need time. It's so hard to know what's right when your head is reeling. If he wants to work things out and you think you want to even consider that, then he needs to establish NO CONTACT with this person right away. And then he needs to give you total access to any and all devices he uses to communicate. He needs to show you, day after day after day, that he has no contact. And he needs to show you, day after day after day, that he is willing to whatever it takes to make reparations for the incredible damage he has caused. But for now, breathe in, breathe out. See if you can find someone to help with the kids so that you can get some space to think/read/work out/visit a friend/whatever. And please know that you're going to get through this. I know it's hard to imagine but the day will come when this is a bad memory.
Supposedly both have agreed to cut all ties. Not that I trust either right now but I confronted her as well and both said there would be no contact. So we will see. I have complete access to our cell phone bill and I can check it daily for calls/texts. I've already told him I will be checking things constantly. My MIL is going to watch the boys tonight. She doesn't know but I just told her I need some time alone. I want my husband gone but in the same sentence I want him right here with me because I feel all alone.(He's been at work.) We live in a small town and most things get out. I'm scared to death having to deal with this in our community. The whore(sorry I don't know what else to call her) has kids that are in high school. Guess what.... I just became the HS secretary last week. I dread the day I run into her or even her kids. I don't know how I'm going to handle that and not have a breakdown in front of my co-workers. I'm new and I'm not sure who to even confide in at work. Most will go and spread it around like crazy. I'm sorry I'm just rambling but I have all these thoughts and I don't know where to empty them.
Meg I'm going to suggest that you not confide in any of your co workers while this is still so raw! I'm also going to tell you that you should hold your head up high when you have to have contact with the ow or her kids because you didn't do anything wrong! She and your h hold this shame on their shoulders! Find a good therapist and that's where you can share all these crazy emotions that I remember so well! Keep posting here and there will always be someone that listens and understand what you are going through and we can tell you how we've felt and what works for us in our walk through our pain. I'm so sorry you have this but one day at a time you can find your inner strength to take the right steps for you! Hugs!
Meg, I remember first finding out too, it h is like a knock out blow there are so many emotions flying. Don't commit to anything until your emotional responses to be killed has calmed. Figure out what you want. It took me 1.8 years to decided to give him a chance. I wanted to be sure I made the right decision for MY life. My H didn't get a choice anymore. I huddled in the closet for 3 days and just cried. I never fixed a meal, did dishes, emptied the trash, made my bed or anything household for 4 months. I physically hit him, threw all the books off the shelf at him, tore up every picture and showered him with his losses. I laid out in the yard and screaming and crying. I looked at myself and saw how so much of myself was whittled away over the years. I know you have a small child so let him step up to the task. It is a hurt like no other. For the last three years Elle and others gave me honest advice and their opinions. Stay with us we can help. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do what you need for yourself. I didn't listen to anyone, I did what was right for me. You are in total shock so take care of yourself. See if someone can watch your son for a week. Don't hurry yourself, it will take at least 2 years to figure out what the hell happened. My heart goes out to you.
You all give me hope. For now I feel I'm getting worse (1 month and 5 days out). I was very strong the first day. Then very strong the first week. Then started going down and down and down. I keep reading your posts that say 2 years out and 4 years out and it gives me hope.
Hi Emma, So glad you found us. I suspect the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. That's okay. Let it. As best you can, give yourself the time and space to absorb the enormity of what has happened. The only way out is through. Trust that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust that, even when it's excruciating, the pain will abate. Trust that, no matter what, you are going to be okay and you will not feel this way forever. It gets better but sometimes, after a month or so, it gets worse first.
Emma I felt strong that first few weeks but, oh my! I had more ups and downs and mood swings than I can tell you about! Just go slow and take deep breaths. I'm sorry for why you found us but so glad you did. There's so many here and we know how you feel! Hugs!
Emma, it is normal to get alot worse. You had a trauma happen to you like no other that is life changing. Just watch and wait until you figure out what you want. I'm sure you don't even have the entire story to figure it out right now. Ask for what you need. Say no to what you don't. We have been through this and it doesn't get better but I hated the word "time" whenever Elle would say it but she is right. Just take one day at a time. You sound strong so hang in there for yourself. UYou will get through this. Your brain is trying to understand what happened. The shock doesn't wear off this soon. What you are experiencing is normal in the circumstances.
I am about 15 months from dd. Been married 36 years. My H had an affair with a younger woman for two years and was sexting two other women. He has asked for a second chance. I am still saying to myself that no husband is better than a lying cheating husband. I am resistant and don't have the same feelings anymore. It's easy to stay. I would rather stay and keep my family intact. Is that wrong? Why can I not make the decision to stay or leave? I lost my dog around the same time and quite truthfully I miss the dog more than our marriage. I don't think I can turn this around. I have had counselling and am told to give it time but I think now I am just wasting time. Maybe now is my chance to have a new beginning and move on without him. I feel pretty hopeless. My daughter in law made a comment that she wants to be just like me even she gets older...strong...know what I want. Oh if she only knew what I was going through.
Anonymous I'm so sorry for what you have found yourself living through! It hurts so bad! Some of us here are 2,3,4 years and more and we still reserve the right to change our minds whether to stay or go! It totally is up to each of us to decide based on how hard our cheating h works to repair the damage! I've seen some who give a second chance only to be stabbed again by their h. You don't have to make a permanent decision now. I thought I did but I went back and forth so many times! I never left my h but I sure wanted to run...many times! Then I learned to slow down and just sit with my anger and disappointment in the choices my h made. He and I have come a long way since October 24, 2014! I don't think you ever forget the date you first learned about his cheating and lying! I'm still a work in progress and no it's not easy but each day I make the choice to stay because I still love my h, worts and all and we've been together 42 years and I'm not about to start from scratch! But and here's the biggest BUT, each day it's his actions that keep me making the choice to stay! Sending hugs!
Anonymous, I feel for you. I am 2 years almost 2 months out. My husbands choices included porn and paid sex and his choices were grandfathered into our marriage of 38 years. I am not nearly where I had hoped to be when this whole thing came to light and as I've shared over the past two years on this site, I've struggled greatly with my choice to stay because of the trauma of his disclosure and my absolute believe that he was the moral, upstanding, honest man he always pretended to be. I gave him one chance and he is doing everything right as far as I can see. We have a much more honest, open and transparent marriage than we ever had because I now know the truth about his entire life. He hated himself and he still does hate himself for the things he did. I struggle to not think about it every single day because I hate him when those thoughts won't go away. I've decided that I will do EMDR in September/Oct when we get settled in our winter home. I do not know if this will help me but it has seemed to help most everyone I know who has done it and there are many on this blog who have found success also. I think, given my length of marriage, if the EMDR provides relief and I still have doubts about my future with him, I will ask for a separation. With adult kids and grandkids in my picture, all of whom adore him and will be crushed if we divorce I want to make sure I've done everything I possible can to figure me out first. I felt hopeless just like you for a very long time and I still sometimes feel hopeless and wonder why I am still here knowing all that he did. The truth is that good people make bad decisions all the time. I have zero tolerance for his viewing porn and sex with anyone other than me is definitely a deal breaker. I wish you well. If you haven't tried EMDR just for your own growth and potential peace of mind, I encourage you to consider it. This is just the most painful and difficult thing I've ever gone through and believe me I've gone through a lot in my years on this earth. I don't have the same feelings for my husband either. Most times I know I love him at some level but I do not have that sweet, innocent, wide-eyed love for him that comes with trust and commitment. Most times now, I see him as my new guy, you know, the one I am dating to see if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't believe that he is better than nothing by far. I truly enjoy my alone time and would be fine after the initial shock and adjustment of divorce. I want my family to be intact too but I have to feel good about me. My desire to try EMDR is totally to help me deal with the trauma lurking in my body and brain. It has nothing to do with wanting my marriage to stabilize or survive. Right now, I think it is better for me to stay put, stay focused and deal with me. We both know that if he messes up, I am done. At 15 months I still had one foot out the door, my legal plan in place, my focus on not harming myself or him and my desire to just get out of bed every day and not fall apart. It did get better my friend. It just takes time. When I think about the pets I've lost, I also feel like I miss them much more than him. Weird that you even bring that up. I've found comfort in meditation, yoga, lots and lots of mindfulness reading and classes and exercise. Neither of us had anything to do with the choices our spouse made but we have to deal with them in the best way we can. Honestly, people seem much more supportive if we leave than if we stay. Staying with a spouse who has done the things our spouses did is much harder than anyone knows. We stay for different reasons. We also have to be brave enough to leave if staying does not ultimately provide us with any comfort or satisfaction. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks ladies. It's been very hard . I see it getting harder before it gets better. We fight almost every week. Now he's been going through my phone and questioning me.. I Don't text men ! But I have a girlfriend I've know for 30 something years and we talk about everything.. and he doesn't like that I tell her everything. But I feel I need to have someone. We also fought over money this time. And I got my bill for counseling. And he had a fit ! He said he'd NEVER go. And I didn't need to either. It's all b.s. and I'm over reacting. But I don't think I am. If he texts another woman over 1000 times in one month and deletes the text . He probly shouldn't be texting her...
hi izzy, your H is gaslighting you. Search that term on here and you'll find a lot of good reading. My H did the same (gaslight) to me, especially right after dday. He accused me of cheating and of all sorts of ridiculous things. He was trying to escape responsibility. If you need your BF of 30 years to talk to in order to heal then you do what is best for you. If H didn't want you to confide in your BF then he should have never done anything that would be embarrassing for him to have her hear! And if you need him to go to counseling then you can make it a boundary if you so choose - it is completely reasonable for you to expect that he goes to counseling or he packs his bags. Healing from betrayal is now all about what is best for you (and your kids if you have kids).
Browneyedgirl, Thanks I'll look that up. He acts like nothing happened. And I don't know if anything did or didn't. But they were texting from Oct 2016 till the end of May this year . Not a whole lot. But in may it exploded there were over a 1000 text some all hours of the night. When I found out I told my H I wanted to see them. But he deletes all text that are women related... so naturally I think it's cause it's something they shouldn't be saying.. My first H cheated on me and it took me 2 years to realize I couldn't get past it and I left. ( we were married 10 years and 2 kids ) Now I'm married 19 years and no kids . But I love my H with all my heart and can't image my life without him . I just can't get over the fact that he could hurt me so bad. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this. He says it was just talk and it didn't mean anything .and he loves me and plans on being with me forever. My response is married men who cheat love their wives too... I just don't know what to believe... my heart aches all the time. I also went to Dr to get something so maybe I won't cry all the time. It helps some... thanks again everyone
Hi izzy, If a H is deleting the texts there IS something they shouldn't be saying to an ow. I would insist on reading them and counseling. EA's can be just as devastating as a PA, sometimes worse. My H, like many here, lied to my facin MC on Dday #2 (Dday #1 was inappropriate emails with a coworker 14 years ago that I caught within about a 2 weeks and got her fired because she used her work email. Dday #2 was 3 years ago H was on affair website and I found it all within 2 weeks so he never got to meet anyone face to face). Dday #3 came 9 mos ago when the ex-BH of the cow cruelly ousted my H on social media for having an EA/PA with his ex-CW a decade earlier. So I admit I am overly suspicious when I hear a H insist it's 'only sexting'. I'm so sorry you have been through betrayal twice. Once is more than anyone should ever have to go through. I do believe H can love you and still cheat. I don't believe any of us will ever be over this or get past this, but we can get better, we can love ourselves, put ourselves first, have boundaries and be happy. (9 mos out I'm still working on the last one). Your H needs to give you FULL access to all his devices, accounts & passwords. That is completely reasonable for you to expect. I took anti depressants for about 3-4 mos and then I was able to wean off of them. It does help get through the grief. H needs IC to figure out what is missing in himself that he is trying to fill with the attention these sluts are willing to provide via text.
Wow... Yes, I have made it so now I feel beautiful:) I'm 17 months out and I never thought I'd make it this far, but I did (at least today I have :)! Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I fail miserably at getting through the day without a trigger or mad mind movies haunting me. With the help of my fellow warrior sisters here I have plowed through the hurt and pain and sorrow and am now on my way back up to beautiful, strong, and a better me.
I never thought it possible that I would be where I am today. My world shattered on Dec 20th with the worst pain I have ever experienced. Looking back now, the signs were there. At the time I thought we were a happy couple, but knowing what I know now we weren't. We had terribly neglected our marriage and ourselves. We took each other for granted. We failed to properly communicate. I can now see how during the time of the affair (damn I hate typing/writing that word to this day!) my husband began treating me poorly (verbally as I'd never tolerate physical abuse) and never before in our 36 years together had he treated me that way. But NONE of his issues were my doing. And thankfully, he recognized it and we began counseling the day after Christmas. We worked hard and there's still work to do but we're making it. Some days are easy and others not so much.
My fellow sisters here give wonderful advice and what has always stuck out is that our job in the early days is to take care of ourselves. I still try to do that to this day. I am worth it to take care of me because if I don't, who will?
I am so glad to hear from those who have survived longer than I have. 4 years after is awesome. I am still taking things one day at a time and doing the best I can for the time being. I like how best is different depending on the day. In my lowest days my best is not as my best is on a good day but it is my best.
I still hate that it takes so much time to get through this. Just take time to do what is right for you at the time. This site literally saved my life and I thank you all for that.
Anonymous If by it, you mean love, it's either there or it's not, if you mean trust, he has to earn it through actions, if by it, you mean the marriage you had before, it will never be the same but it can be a better marriage if both put the effort into creating a new relationship.
Not exactly. There is a point of acceptance before you can move on and heal. You go through many stages of grief before you can actually accept it and move on. It takes no contact with the OW and not letting her become the only thing you think about. It takes both you and your h working on the healing together so that you can both move on accept what happened. It's a long slow process that takes you to your knees sometimes even months and years after finding out. It's not something that you can rush through. Time, crying, fighting and commitment to each other is what has gotten us through this so far.
Anonymous I'm not sure anyone can say just accept it and move on. Couples that choose to stay together have to both share in the work of rebuilding the relationship. It's a long hard process but it's possible with the changes made in your past relationship to the new relationship that each of you put real effort into. What I've learned is you get what you want by really being honest with each other and yes you do have to accept the fact that he's a bit of a broken man and you have to decide if you can accept his flaws along with the other side of his personality that you fell for in the beginning. It's a lot of hard work each and every day! For both of you will forever have to work hard to repair the damage! Hugs! I hope this helps!
Anon one way or another you have to accept that this has happened, whether you stay and work on your marriage or leave is up to you but either way there's lots of healing to be had. There is no book that can tell you which way you go it's about what you want. And that decision doesn't have to happen instantly for many it can take weeks, months or even years to decide, this is your call. Xx
My H says I am so resistant. I know I have put up a wall. Our communication is no better now than it ever was. My H has never been one to sit down and just talk about how you are feeling. I don't want to get too close for obvious reasons. I feel like we are roommates now. And as far as intimacy goes that's a whole other struggle. I just don't want to be burdened with his little secret. People praise him all the time for being such a good husband and father and we are such a great couple. Those are things that really scare me. I find it difficult to lie to everyone including my grown children. Thank you beach girl...sounds like we have a few similarities.
What qualifications are needed for EMDR? I notice many state "basic training" and some state certified..what's the difference? I would like to try this as well. I m in Alberta Canada
Hi Anon, I asked the EMDR therapist I've gone to (who also teaches EMDR) and here's what she wrote to me: "she can find a directory of EMDR therapists on the EMDR Canada website. She should look for a therapist that has more than just the Basic EMDR Training and can call her/himself a "Certified EMDR therapist". Dr. Judy Moench in Edmonton is the only Approved EMDR Consultant in Alberta. I’ve met her and she seems very nice (for what that’s worth)." Hope that helps. I sometimes think the best approach is to reach out to a few people and talk with them about their approach. Let them know what you're dealing with and get their thoughts. Good luck.
I hope one day soon I can feel this way again.
ReplyDeleteMy D-day was May 31st. And I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart...
My husband had been texting another woman since Oct 2016 not a bunch but in May it was 1000+ (all hours of the day and night ) he was also out of town ( same town she was in ) she was the one that initiated most the text. Most days she texts first. But my husband couldn't stop himself from texting her back
He swears it was just friendly talk. But when I asked to see the messages he had deleted them..so I have no proof anything happened but I also don't have any proof it didn't. He would text her with me sitting right there.my best friend had a similar incident when she asked me if her man was texting someone and was deleting the messages what did I think? Me and my husband both agreed if he was deleting the messages he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing. But when it comes to my husband I guess it was okay for him to delete the messages. I had no clue we were happy .. we have been together 20 yrs. Married 19 yrs. He hasnt text her since june 1st. But she has text him about 10 times since and also messaged him on facebook. (Shes been unfriended ) and we have deactivated our accounts . I used to be on top of the world my husband made me feel safe , happy and loved like no other.. but now i feel low , dirty , and unworthy. I am so sad and upset I cry at the drop of a hat. I've gone to therapy a few times and my doctor has prescribed an antidepressant and anxiety medicine it seems to help some but not completely. I'm just so ready to feel normal again.
The woman he was texting is also married...
izzy:
DeleteBeing blindsided by the one person you thought would never let you down is overwhelming and takes your breath away. Three years ago someone on this blog told me to just breathe --- and that was a good start.
To this day, just thinking about my d-day brings back memories of that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Reading your post I can still feel the ache of the loss of everything we had built throughout our 26 year marriage. Right now this mountain seems insurmountable and the ground has been pulled out from under you. But believe me when I tell you that your world will right itself again --- in time. You will be able to think clearly again and put yourself first by deciding how to move forward and whether he will move forward with you. Most importantly, in time you will realize that you are not low, dirty or unworthy! The situation you now find yourself in was caused by someone else's bad choices and is a refection of his lack of judgment and unworthiness, not yours.
I'm sorry for your loss --- because that is truly what this is, the loss of a love, the loss of a life built and the loss of innocence. I hate what our cheating spouses have done to us but please know that you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you were. Someday, Elle's post above will ring true for you and you will see that this thing does not define you.
Izzy,
DeleteIt hurts me to hear you say how you feel about yourself after finding out your husband has been texting another woman. Unfortunately, I know those feelings all too well. It's hard to process now but I hope you realize this had NOTHING to do with you. Your husband made his choices based upon his own issues. The married woman he was texting did the same. For those of us who choose to remain loyal and honest in our relationships, it''s hard to fathom how the person we love could choose to hurt us. But all signs point back to them being hurt or damaged themselves. I spent a lot of time wondering where I went wrong. And while I wasn't a perfect wife (no one is), I'm finally at a point where I know it was never about me.
I highly recommend therapy. My husband and I went jointly and individually. Continue to post here and you'll find an amazing source of support.
Hugs! Take care of yourself!
Izzy
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain and disappointment I know you feel! I remember well that feeling of being held under water and no way to go up for air! I'm hoping you're being kind to yourself because I remember not being able to do anything for the first few months and then I only ate because my h was feeding us! I wasn't able to shop much less cook! It takes time and I hope that you have the kind of h that truly has changed for the better as a result of his poor choices. Keep posting here and just know we're all here for you! Sending hugs!
Izzy, can you contact your cell phone company and get copies of the deleted texts? You ARE worthy. Your H is not. This is his bad choice, it does NOT reflect on you. You deserve nothing less than to have your H keep each and every one of his vows to you.
DeleteIzzy, If he has nothing to hide, then he wouldn't be hiding something. By deleting the texts, he's telling you that he has something to hide. Your instincts (the anxiety, the fear) are spot on. But when someone is telling us that our instincts are off, that's when we feel completely off balance. So it's completely understandable that you feel destabilized right now.
DeleteWould you consider contacting her husband? See what he knows? Whether or not the texts actually extend beyond "friendly" remains to be seen but they were inappropriately secret in any case.
Will your husband consider going to a couples counsellor to work this out? I don't see how simply waiting for the confusion/pain to pass will actually solve anything. Until he's willing to do the work of figuring out WHY he was texting someone so obsessively, then the problem still exists within your marriage.
But please know, Izzy, this is HIS problem to figure out. He is the one involved with some sort of secret friendship. You did nothing wrong. But I would pay attention to your instincts, which are telling you, in no uncertain terms, that things don't add up.
Random thoughts,
DeleteThanks for the kind words. It is truly devastating what he's done to me. But he claims he didn't do anything but talk. But he hide it and deleted it so I wouldn't see it. So in my opinion it must have been bad.
After 20 Years together I thought we were happy and still in love. He tells me daily how much he loves me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. But now I question everything he says cause of the lies he told me about the text.
Are you and your husband still together ?
Danelion,
DeleteThanks. Yes it's very hard to feel good about anything right now. My first husband was a cheater and my husband now knows how devastated I was and when we got together he swore he'd NEVER hurt me. But in all honesty he's hurt me worse..
I've gone to therapy a few times but my therapist seems to see things more Cleary than I do..and my husband refuses to go..
Theresa,
DeleteI'm trying to be kind to myself but it's so hard. I know it's all his fault but it's so hard to feel good about myself. I used to . My H made me feel like a queen but now I feel like the joker..
Browneyedgirl ,
DeleteI'm the account holder on our cell phones but they tell me I would have to have a court order to get them if even then.
All I've ever wanted was to have a wonderful life long happy marriage. And I thought that's what we had.. I guess I was wrong...
Elle,
DeleteIt's totally devastating. I never dreamed he would do this to me. I told him if he was deleteing the text it was inappropriate.
I threatened to call her husband but I haven't yet. If she contacts my H anymore I will. I won't go in to great detail cause my husband is known all over the U.S. and goes to alot of events and sometimes this hooker is there. And my H says the text were just about the event that they were both at. But he left at midnight on a 12 hour drive and the text ALL night long and then for the next 3 days. I text him at 1245 one afternoon to see what he was doing. He called and told me his phone was dead... ( only to my number ) they text ovet 1000 times in one month. There were only 150 between us.
he said he was upset that I was upset . And he said he told her they needed to stop cause his wife seen the bill and was upset. If that's what was really said.. cause now I don't believe anything he says. He also bought some new clothes while there and I noticed when he got got out of the shower when he got home that he trimmed up the play ground.. he says he done that a month before he left..B.S.
He claims he's only been with 2 women his whole life. His ex and me.we've been together for 20 yrs. He says we'll be together for another 20 and he loves ONLY me forever ! He tells me daily that he loves me and I'm beautiful and he's lucky to have me..
but I thought we were happy..and I'm just so heart broke right now.. I love him soo much and all I ever wanted was to be happily married forever..
Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement
Izzy, trust your instincts and insist he goes to MC with you. H has not given you the information you want (text messages) so it is completely reasonable for you to attempt to get them from your cell company or the cow's bh.
DeleteI love this word hug. I recently read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F%$#, and it was really good. The author used an analogy that really helped me put into words how I feel about this struggle to heal from betrayal and make something of beauty out of it. He said that everything that happens in anyone's life is their responsibility. Even tragic things in which a person is victimized. Rape, murder, literally everything. This is all my responsibility. But you can't confuse responsibility with fault. This is not my fault, but is very much my responsibility. Just as if someone dumped a newborn baby on your doorstep. That wouldn't be your fault. You didn't abandon the baby. It is, however, your responsibility to figure out what to do with it. You can step over it (ignore it) and go shopping or drinking to help you forget, you can cry out forever that this baby on your doorstep is not yours, you can take it to a fire station for someone else to raise, you can even feed it to a pitbull. The choice is completely yours. Staying in my marriage feels like attempting to raise this baby myself. It's the absolute hardest choice and is the most work, but it also has the biggest potential for reward for me at this time. It is still possible that I won't be able to do it and I will have to head to the fire station (divorce attorney-that's my plan B). Anyway, this analogy spells out how I feel about my strength now and how beautiful it can be to endure pain, walk through it, and make choices that are right for you and others despite it. I am healed enough to take responsibility now. That's not something you can do when you first open the door and see the baby laying there. It takes a minute, but eventually you can!
ReplyDeleteAnn - Your post moved me. Thank you for sharing those examples. As I struggle to heal because my husband still works with the woman he had a long term EA with, this reminds me that I have a responsibility to healing this. No, it's not my fault but I do have responsibility in how I handle this. How I heal. How I grow. And you are right - it is still possible I will end up heading to plan B...but...I am right with you where I feel that staying in my marriage feels like the biggest potential for reward, even with the challenges. Thank you for sharing! Thinking of you!
DeleteSaw that book in the bookstore the other day. Sounds interesting. And what you say makes a lot of sense. We talk a lot on this site about how our husband's choice to cheat isn't our fault. It's completely on them. But, like it or not, how we respond to that information is up to us. We can respond in a way that moves us forward or we can hide/avoid/pretend.
DeleteMomStrong
ReplyDeleteHi everyone. I'd like to post my story, but I'm not sure where or how. Can anyone offer me advice? I'm also not sure how to get a username... so I'll sign my stuff at the bottom and top.
MomStrong
Hi MomStrong, I'm glad you found us. to get a user name, when you hit Post or Reply and the magic box opens up you'll see "Reply as:" in the bottom left. If you are logged into google it will be your google account (yikes right?) . But there is also that little pull down arrow. When you click on that you get lots of intimidating options. The one you want is "Name/URL". You can type "MomStrong" in the Name box and leave the URL blank and click continue. Voila! user name.
DeleteAlso, post your story anywhere. Post it here in this current thread or in the Finding out tab. There are no rules to Betrayed Wives Club (fight club anyone?) except, I think, "be kind". And I'm sending you a big hug, just for being here.
MomStrong,
DeleteYep, what Still Standing 1 says is absolutely true, right down to the "be kind". I never really thought of "rules" on this site necessarily but yes, I agree that 99.9% of us follow that one. And it makes this such a great safe supportive place to be.
Love this Elle!
ReplyDeleteKeep on walking strong ladies.
We are living poof - we can do it.
Hugs
Gabby xo
I resemble that remark...... At least we have begun to the minute we allow the pain to die down and the strength to fill in the holes that were created in our hearts. I look back on all the hateful things he said or the hurtful things he did and realize his pain with himself helped magnify the hurt he forced in my direction..... I was an easy reminder of all he had done that was bad.... I was an innocent bystander waiting to see if he actually ever did love me..... He did.... He just never loved himself so how could he know what he had felt with me was love until he almost completely lost it....... and that is how I learned to fly. That is how we all learn to fly. We were forced off the limb by a force way stronger than we seemed. In order not to fall on our face we stretched out our faith and hope as strength to help pick us back up. It's been a while now since I found out. It's been 4 years 4 months and a few crazy days since my world forever changed. I realize now knowing is so much better than living a lie..... we all deserve to know the truth and decide for ourselves whether or not we can be respected as we deserve to be. I've still never cheated on my husband but I'll be honest since my world changed and I see everything differently I realize how easy it would have been for me to do just that..... but I'm me and being me means being loyal to what I know in my heart is true. Love exists and nobody on this earth can make me think it doesn't. It's real and it's all around us. I've determined in my heart "God" is love. Loyal and true ,)
ReplyDeleteLove you girls I've been in this dday bunker for a while and I'm still fighting for my life same as you everyday! Stay strong and know you are loved!!! - Ann from Texas
Ann from Texas, your words are so welcoming to my ears. At 2 years almost 2 months out I still often find myself so unsure of my future. I doubt my husband has any idea how deeply the knowledge of his past has affected me and my reality. Knowing there are women on this list, still married and living life after my two years is incredibly helpful. It has been a hard 24 hours for me. Read what I thought was going to be a love story that turned out to have some triggering twists to it that led me to ask a couple of questions last night that led to tears. Before I went to sleep I asked my husband, "Please do not make me regret my decision to stay with you." He said he would not, of course. Several hours later I woke up yelling in another nightmare. I haven't had one of those in awhile so today has been a bit funky. I'm trying not to feel dirty when he touches me but sometimes it is just hard knowing his attraction to escorts, massage parlors and prostitutes.
DeleteBeach Girl you are not alone but I noticed something you wrote that triggered something in me.... I too woke up screaming from nightmares many times.... and the feeling dirty part.... oh my gosh it was like you were in my mind too.... however, with time I've realized that we don't have to feel that way. We are the exact opposite of those things and that is what makes our husbands realize that they have to change or leave. He chose to change rather than leave. We don't have to act like they are the same person inside.... if they were they would leave. Breathe and believe in what his actions are not what we feel after nightmares or triggers..... living on feelings wastes beautiful healing moments. Allow yourselves to heal together not apart. I'm praying for all of us. We have been hurt so much but as I said I choose to love. I choose to believe. I choose to hope. In saying this I choose to LIVE!
DeleteLove you girls! Stay strong and believe in all that is good in life. Don't think on what was. Think on what is now!!! - Ann from Texas
Ann from Texas,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your words. They encouraged me tonight! I love the bird learning to fly analogy.
I'm ann (also from Texas! Lol.)
To be honest it's my nickname my whole name is longer ,) and I'm glad that you feel joy from what I've written. I know when we all first find out and even a few years after we are reeling but we get better. Everyday we get better and better. I found Elle and the girls back in 2013. Back when sleeping was never quite possible. It was in the middle of the night that I found them and realized I could still "hope" that God would make all things good for me no matter what..
DeleteI just found out tonight that my husband has been cheating since around July 25. I feel like I'm in a hole and am drowning. I have 2 beautiful boys and thought we had a pretty good marriage. I confronted him and the woman(by phone)tonight. He says he want to work this out if I'm willing. I don't even know where to begin. I just want to curl up in a dark room and not deal with it right now but I've got to be strong for my boys.
ReplyDeleteMeg we are all here for you. Stay strong and allow yourself to rest mentally so that you can stay strong inside. This is So important as you first learn everything. Please allow yourself to assess everything with an open mind. You have the power to choose what is best for uiur family and nobody is allowed to take your voice. Please take time to evaluate you and what you would like to see come of this. It's apparent that there are obvious changes that must be made in your relationship and this is a chance for you to both vocalize what you would like to see happen. It's ok to agree to disagree and meet in the middle.its ok to continue to love and it's ok to continue on the road to leaving. Now is your chance to "Live" in a world that you know is a personal choice to a path of truth. Love you tons! Stay strong!
DeleteRemember we all make mistakes in this period. It's a bumpy road but at the end of the road you will be tons stronger. I developed into an even greater example of what a true woman of grace could be. You will to eventually. - Ann from Texas
Meg, I'm so glad you found us. We all know that horrible feeling. The shock, the pain, the confusion.
DeleteYour boys do need you because this is frightening for them too, even if they don't understand exactly what's happening. But you absolutely must create time and space for you to absorb this. You do NOT need to decide what you want to do right away. You can say you want to work it out and then change your mind. You can say you need time. It's so hard to know what's right when your head is reeling.
If he wants to work things out and you think you want to even consider that, then he needs to establish NO CONTACT with this person right away. And then he needs to give you total access to any and all devices he uses to communicate. He needs to show you, day after day after day, that he has no contact. And he needs to show you, day after day after day, that he is willing to whatever it takes to make reparations for the incredible damage he has caused.
But for now, breathe in, breathe out. See if you can find someone to help with the kids so that you can get some space to think/read/work out/visit a friend/whatever. And please know that you're going to get through this. I know it's hard to imagine but the day will come when this is a bad memory.
Supposedly both have agreed to cut all ties. Not that I trust either right now but I confronted her as well and both said there would be no contact. So we will see. I have complete access to our cell phone bill and I can check it daily for calls/texts. I've already told him I will be checking things constantly. My MIL is going to watch the boys tonight. She doesn't know but I just told her I need some time alone. I want my husband gone but in the same sentence I want him right here with me because I feel all alone.(He's been at work.) We live in a small town and most things get out. I'm scared to death having to deal with this in our community. The whore(sorry I don't know what else to call her) has kids that are in high school. Guess what.... I just became the HS secretary last week. I dread the day I run into her or even her kids. I don't know how I'm going to handle that and not have a breakdown in front of my co-workers. I'm new and I'm not sure who to even confide in at work. Most will go and spread it around like crazy. I'm sorry I'm just rambling but I have all these thoughts and I don't know where to empty them.
DeleteMeg
DeleteI'm going to suggest that you not confide in any of your co workers while this is still so raw! I'm also going to tell you that you should hold your head up high when you have to have contact with the ow or her kids because you didn't do anything wrong! She and your h hold this shame on their shoulders! Find a good therapist and that's where you can share all these crazy emotions that I remember so well! Keep posting here and there will always be someone that listens and understand what you are going through and we can tell you how we've felt and what works for us in our walk through our pain. I'm so sorry you have this but one day at a time you can find your inner strength to take the right steps for you! Hugs!
Meg, I remember first finding out too, it h is like a knock out blow there are so many emotions flying. Don't commit to anything until your emotional responses to be killed has calmed. Figure out what you want. It took me 1.8 years to decided to give him a chance. I wanted to be sure I made the right decision for MY life. My H didn't get a choice anymore. I huddled in the closet for 3 days and just cried. I never fixed a meal, did dishes, emptied the trash, made my bed or anything household for 4 months. I physically hit him, threw all the books off the shelf at him, tore up every picture and showered him with his losses. I laid out in the yard and screaming and crying. I looked at myself and saw how so much of myself was whittled away over the years. I know you have a small child so let him step up to the task. It is a hurt like no other. For the last three years Elle and others gave me honest advice and their opinions. Stay with us we can help. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do what you need for yourself. I didn't listen to anyone, I did what was right for me. You are in total shock so take care of yourself. See if someone can watch your son for a week. Don't hurry yourself, it will take at least 2 years to figure out what the hell happened. My heart goes out to you.
DeleteYou all give me hope. For now I feel I'm getting worse (1 month and 5 days out). I was very strong the first day. Then very strong the first week. Then started going down and down and down.
ReplyDeleteI keep reading your posts that say 2 years out and 4 years out and it gives me hope.
Just saying hi
Emma
Hi Emma, So glad you found us. I suspect the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. That's okay. Let it. As best you can, give yourself the time and space to absorb the enormity of what has happened. The only way out is through. Trust that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust that, even when it's excruciating, the pain will abate. Trust that, no matter what, you are going to be okay and you will not feel this way forever. It gets better but sometimes, after a month or so, it gets worse first.
DeleteEmma
DeleteI felt strong that first few weeks but, oh my! I had more ups and downs and mood swings than I can tell you about! Just go slow and take deep breaths. I'm sorry for why you found us but so glad you did. There's so many here and we know how you feel! Hugs!
Emma, it is normal to get alot worse. You had a trauma happen to you like no other that is life changing. Just watch and wait until you figure out what you want. I'm sure you don't even have the entire story to figure it out right now. Ask for what you need. Say no to what you don't. We have been through this and it doesn't get better but I hated the word "time" whenever Elle would say it but she is right. Just take one day at a time. You sound strong so hang in there for yourself. UYou will get through this. Your brain is trying to understand what happened. The shock doesn't wear off this soon. What you are experiencing is normal in the circumstances.
DeleteI am about 15 months from dd. Been married 36 years. My H had an affair with a younger woman for two years and was sexting two other women. He has asked for a second chance. I am still saying to myself that no husband is better than a lying cheating husband. I am resistant and don't have the same feelings anymore. It's easy to stay. I would rather stay and keep my family intact. Is that wrong? Why can I not make the decision to stay or leave? I lost my dog around the same time and quite truthfully I miss the dog more than our marriage. I don't think I can turn this around. I have had counselling and am told to give it time but I think now I am just wasting time. Maybe now is my chance to have a new beginning and move on without him. I feel pretty hopeless. My daughter in law made a comment that she wants to be just like me even she gets older...strong...know what I want. Oh if she only knew what I was going through.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you have found yourself living through! It hurts so bad! Some of us here are 2,3,4 years and more and we still reserve the right to change our minds whether to stay or go! It totally is up to each of us to decide based on how hard our cheating h works to repair the damage! I've seen some who give a second chance only to be stabbed again by their h. You don't have to make a permanent decision now. I thought I did but I went back and forth so many times! I never left my h but I sure wanted to run...many times! Then I learned to slow down and just sit with my anger and disappointment in the choices my h made. He and I have come a long way since October 24, 2014! I don't think you ever forget the date you first learned about his cheating and lying! I'm still a work in progress and no it's not easy but each day I make the choice to stay because I still love my h, worts and all and we've been together 42 years and I'm not about to start from scratch! But and here's the biggest BUT, each day it's his actions that keep me making the choice to stay! Sending hugs!
Anonymous, I feel for you. I am 2 years almost 2 months out. My husbands choices included porn and paid sex and his choices were grandfathered into our marriage of 38 years. I am not nearly where I had hoped to be when this whole thing came to light and as I've shared over the past two years on this site, I've struggled greatly with my choice to stay because of the trauma of his disclosure and my absolute believe that he was the moral, upstanding, honest man he always pretended to be. I gave him one chance and he is doing everything right as far as I can see. We have a much more honest, open and transparent marriage than we ever had because I now know the truth about his entire life. He hated himself and he still does hate himself for the things he did. I struggle to not think about it every single day because I hate him when those thoughts won't go away. I've decided that I will do EMDR in September/Oct when we get settled in our winter home. I do not know if this will help me but it has seemed to help most everyone I know who has done it and there are many on this blog who have found success also. I think, given my length of marriage, if the EMDR provides relief and I still have doubts about my future with him, I will ask for a separation. With adult kids and grandkids in my picture, all of whom adore him and will be crushed if we divorce I want to make sure I've done everything I possible can to figure me out first. I felt hopeless just like you for a very long time and I still sometimes feel hopeless and wonder why I am still here knowing all that he did. The truth is that good people make bad decisions all the time. I have zero tolerance for his viewing porn and sex with anyone other than me is definitely a deal breaker. I wish you well. If you haven't tried EMDR just for your own growth and potential peace of mind, I encourage you to consider it. This is just the most painful and difficult thing I've ever gone through and believe me I've gone through a lot in my years on this earth. I don't have the same feelings for my husband either. Most times I know I love him at some level but I do not have that sweet, innocent, wide-eyed love for him that comes with trust and commitment. Most times now, I see him as my new guy, you know, the one I am dating to see if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't believe that he is better than nothing by far. I truly enjoy my alone time and would be fine after the initial shock and adjustment of divorce. I want my family to be intact too but I have to feel good about me. My desire to try EMDR is totally to help me deal with the trauma lurking in my body and brain. It has nothing to do with wanting my marriage to stabilize or survive. Right now, I think it is better for me to stay put, stay focused and deal with me. We both know that if he messes up, I am done. At 15 months I still had one foot out the door, my legal plan in place, my focus on not harming myself or him and my desire to just get out of bed every day and not fall apart. It did get better my friend. It just takes time. When I think about the pets I've lost, I also feel like I miss them much more than him. Weird that you even bring that up. I've found comfort in meditation, yoga, lots and lots of mindfulness reading and classes and exercise. Neither of us had anything to do with the choices our spouse made but we have to deal with them in the best way we can. Honestly, people seem much more supportive if we leave than if we stay. Staying with a spouse who has done the things our spouses did is much harder than anyone knows. We stay for different reasons. We also have to be brave enough to leave if staying does not ultimately provide us with any comfort or satisfaction. Thank you for sharing.
DeleteThinking about betrayal, it is like sustaining a crushing blow to your leg, I'm not going to lose my leg but I will always walk with a limp.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. It's been very hard . I see it getting harder before it gets better. We fight almost every week. Now he's been going through my phone and questioning me.. I Don't text men ! But I have a girlfriend I've know for 30 something years and we talk about everything.. and he doesn't like that I tell her everything. But I feel I need to have someone. We also fought over money this time. And I got my bill for counseling. And he had a fit ! He said he'd NEVER go. And I didn't need to either. It's all b.s. and I'm over reacting. But I don't think I am. If he texts another woman over 1000 times in one month and deletes the text . He probly shouldn't be texting her...
ReplyDeletehi izzy, your H is gaslighting you. Search that term on here and you'll find a lot of good reading. My H did the same (gaslight) to me, especially right after dday. He accused me of cheating and of all sorts of ridiculous things. He was trying to escape responsibility. If you need your BF of 30 years to talk to in order to heal then you do what is best for you. If H didn't want you to confide in your BF then he should have never done anything that would be embarrassing for him to have her hear! And if you need him to go to counseling then you can make it a boundary if you so choose - it is completely reasonable for you to expect that he goes to counseling or he packs his bags. Healing from betrayal is now all about what is best for you (and your kids if you have kids).
DeleteBrowneyedgirl,
DeleteThanks I'll look that up. He acts like nothing happened. And I don't know if anything did or didn't. But they were texting from Oct 2016 till the end of May this year . Not a whole lot. But in may it exploded there were over a 1000 text some all hours of the night. When I found out I told my H I wanted to see them. But he deletes all text that are women related... so naturally I think it's cause it's something they shouldn't be saying..
My first H cheated on me and it took me 2 years to realize I couldn't get past it and I left. ( we were married 10 years and 2 kids )
Now I'm married 19 years and no kids . But I love my H with all my heart and can't image my life without him . I just can't get over the fact that he could hurt me so bad. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this.
He says it was just talk and it didn't mean anything .and he loves me and plans on being with me forever. My response is married men who cheat love their wives too...
I just don't know what to believe... my heart aches all the time. I also went to Dr to get something so maybe I won't cry all the time. It helps some... thanks again everyone
Hi izzy, If a H is deleting the texts there IS something they shouldn't be saying to an ow. I would insist on reading them and counseling. EA's can be just as devastating as a PA, sometimes worse. My H, like many here, lied to my facin MC on Dday #2 (Dday #1 was inappropriate emails with a coworker 14 years ago that I caught within about a 2 weeks and got her fired because she used her work email. Dday #2 was 3 years ago H was on affair website and I found it all within 2 weeks so he never got to meet anyone face to face). Dday #3 came 9 mos ago when the ex-BH of the cow cruelly ousted my H on social media for having an EA/PA with his ex-CW a decade earlier. So I admit I am overly suspicious when I hear a H insist it's 'only sexting'. I'm so sorry you have been through betrayal twice. Once is more than anyone should ever have to go through. I do believe H can love you and still cheat. I don't believe any of us will ever be over this or get past this, but we can get better, we can love ourselves, put ourselves first, have boundaries and be happy. (9 mos out I'm still working on the last one). Your H needs to give you FULL access to all his devices, accounts & passwords. That is completely reasonable for you to expect. I took anti depressants for about 3-4 mos and then I was able to wean off of them. It does help get through the grief. H needs IC to figure out what is missing in himself that he is trying to fill with the attention these sluts are willing to provide via text.
DeleteLynnlesspain
ReplyDeleteCheers! I'm limping with you!
Wow... Yes, I have made it so now I feel beautiful:) I'm 17 months out and I never thought I'd make it this far, but I did (at least today I have :)! Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I fail miserably at getting through the day without a trigger or mad mind movies haunting me. With the help of my fellow warrior sisters here I have plowed through the hurt and pain and sorrow and am now on my way back up to beautiful, strong, and a better me.
ReplyDeleteI never thought it possible that I would be where I am today. My world shattered on Dec 20th with the worst pain I have ever experienced. Looking back now, the signs were there. At the time I thought we were a happy couple, but knowing what I know now we weren't. We had terribly neglected our marriage and ourselves. We took each other for granted. We failed to properly communicate. I can now see how during the time of the affair (damn I hate typing/writing that word to this day!) my husband began treating me poorly (verbally as I'd never tolerate physical abuse) and never before in our 36 years together had he treated me that way. But NONE of his issues were my doing. And thankfully, he recognized it and we began counseling the day after Christmas. We worked hard and there's still work to do but we're making it. Some days are easy and others not so much.
My fellow sisters here give wonderful advice and what has always stuck out is that our job in the early days is to take care of ourselves. I still try to do that to this day. I am worth it to take care of me because if I don't, who will?
I am so glad to hear from those who have survived longer than I have. 4 years after is awesome. I am still taking things one day at a time and doing the best I can for the time being. I like how best is different depending on the day. In my lowest days my best is not as my best is on a good day but it is my best.
I still hate that it takes so much time to get through this. Just take time to do what is right for you at the time. This site literally saved my life and I thank you all for that.
Take care all and I'm sending you all hugs.
How do you get "it back"?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteIf by it, you mean love, it's either there or it's not, if you mean trust, he has to earn it through actions, if by it, you mean the marriage you had before, it will never be the same but it can be a better marriage if both put the effort into creating a new relationship.
So what are you saying? Just because a marriage falls way of betrayal...accept and move on?
ReplyDeleteNot exactly. There is a point of acceptance before you can move on and heal. You go through many stages of grief before you can actually accept it and move on. It takes no contact with the OW and not letting her become the only thing you think about. It takes both you and your h working on the healing together so that you can both move on accept what happened. It's a long slow process that takes you to your knees sometimes even months and years after finding out. It's not something that you can rush through. Time, crying, fighting and commitment to each other is what has gotten us through this so far.
DeleteAnonymous
DeleteI'm not sure anyone can say just accept it and move on. Couples that choose to stay together have to both share in the work of rebuilding the relationship. It's a long hard process but it's possible with the changes made in your past relationship to the new relationship that each of you put real effort into. What I've learned is you get what you want by really being honest with each other and yes you do have to accept the fact that he's a bit of a broken man and you have to decide if you can accept his flaws along with the other side of his personality that you fell for in the beginning. It's a lot of hard work each and every day! For both of you will forever have to work hard to repair the damage! Hugs! I hope this helps!
Anon one way or another you have to accept that this has happened, whether you stay and work on your marriage or leave is up to you but either way there's lots of healing to be had. There is no book that can tell you which way you go it's about what you want. And that decision doesn't have to happen instantly for many it can take weeks, months or even years to decide, this is your call. Xx
ReplyDeleteMy H says I am so resistant. I know I have put up a wall. Our communication is no better now than it ever was. My H has never been one to sit down and just talk about how you are feeling. I don't want to get too close for obvious reasons. I feel like we are roommates now. And as far as intimacy goes that's a whole other struggle. I just don't want to be burdened with his little secret. People praise him all the time for being such a good husband and father and we are such a great couple. Those are things that really scare me. I find it difficult to lie to everyone including my grown children. Thank you beach girl...sounds like we have a few similarities.
ReplyDeleteWhat qualifications are needed for EMDR? I notice many state "basic training" and some state certified..what's the difference? I would like to try this as well. I m in Alberta Canada
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, try this link to find someone near you.
Deletehttp://www.emdr.com/
With love and kindness, Beach Girl
Hi Anon,
DeleteI asked the EMDR therapist I've gone to (who also teaches EMDR) and here's what she wrote to me: "she can find a directory of EMDR therapists on the EMDR Canada website. She should look for a therapist that has more than just the Basic EMDR Training and can call her/himself a "Certified EMDR therapist". Dr. Judy Moench in Edmonton is the only Approved EMDR Consultant in Alberta. I’ve met her and she seems very nice (for what that’s worth)."
Hope that helps.
I sometimes think the best approach is to reach out to a few people and talk with them about their approach. Let them know what you're dealing with and get their thoughts.
Good luck.
Thank you Elle...this journey has been very difficult for me. I hope I find what I am looking for...soon
ReplyDelete