Yes! I've been repeating that phrase to myself these past two-three months. This WWH is such an appropriate follow-up to the previous post about how we betrayed wives will never be who we were before D Day...and why that's a damn good thing, even if we don't initially recognize it.
What do I have to lose? A h that doesn't know me or care to know me. A h that took me for granted. A h that let me carry most of the responsibility/"tough stuff" throughout our marriage so he could be carefree. A h that doesn't see past today and is short-sighted. A h that I lose a bit more respect for each day. A h that can't/won't own his actions. A husband that gaslights and blame-shifts. A h that lies. A h that lies again. A h I don't trust. A h that isn't capable of intimacy. A h I love a little less each day.
What do I have to GAIN? My sense of self. Clarity. Peace. Positivity. I am worth so much more than the crumbs my h has been dropping. I AM the whole package, damnit! I am intelligent, witty, sassy, funny, compassionate, strong, healthy, mindful, beautiful, sexy... and he deserves nothing of me, nothing from me, any more.
Two days ago, I cleared everything from his dressers and nightstand into boxes. Boxes are in the closet. I removed framed pictures of us. I removed his Spartan races medals and trophy displays that I HAD MADE FOR HIM (But I don't support him, remember?). I don't want to see anything related to him in this house...this house he left almost 6 mos. ago.
What do I have to gain? A new life that will be whatever the hell I want it to be. MY new life, starting at age 45, without him. I am worth that new life.
Jo, Wow. I bet that felt good (even if it also felt painful). It's time to focus on what you have to gain. He has lost the privilege of being in your life. I hope you'll keep us posted about this next chapter.
Jo, I turn 45 in two weeks. My d Day was March 2017. My husband and I are both working hard to rebuild our marriage but I do not know the ending of our story.... Your words are the same words I comfort myself with. We have ourselves and for that we are blessed. Much love and strength to you.
For me it's stop worrying about what I lost and look at what I gained. I gained a more attentive husband, one who has so much remorse what he did. I gained knowledge on my intuition and learned how to go with my gut. I gained strength that I didn't know I had. I've learned to say no instead of trying to fix everyone and I gained me back.
Learning to say 'no' sounds like the easiest thing in the world, doesn't it? But it can be so difficult and yet learning how to do it can be so empowering. Kudos to you for your ability to focus on what you've gained and how that's changed your life for the better.
Anon, I'm happy for you - that you've "gained a more attentive husband." How I do wish I could say the same. I hope your h continues to be attentive and remorseful. I hope he realizes how wonderfully strong you are (and how deeply in love you are with him, dare I say?). He is lucky to have another chance with you.
As I have been telling the women in my life about our separation, I thought I would get awkwardness but so many have said "congratulations." So many, even women I don't know well, and those who are still in a functioning relationship share their understanding of what can drive a woman to want to leave. Like Jo said above, I have gained a sense of self, clarity, peace, and positivity. I have also gained the understanding and respect of so many women who see me as strong, confident and not putting up with b.s. I still wish I could have the relationship I want with the man I still love. But that doesn't seem likely. But where I thought there would be only loss, there is so much I have gained.
MBS, I have had a similar experience with my close women friends and family members. I could have written your last four sentences, as that is how I feel, and that has been my experience lately. Even when my closest friends and my mom were "cheering" for my h and I to end our separation and reunite, they still would comment that my h does not deserve me -- that I deserve so much better. Lately, they tell me they cannot find even one redeeming quality in him, but they still support whatever I decide to do.
That's so awesome. I think so many women, especially those of us who've lived a while, are better at realizing that none of us ever really knows what another's lived experience is and, therefore, should never judge. If a woman feels the need to leave her marriage, then absolutely "congratulations". She's about to write a new chapter in her life!
Yes! I've been repeating that phrase to myself these past two-three months. This WWH is such an appropriate follow-up to the previous post about how we betrayed wives will never be who we were before D Day...and why that's a damn good thing, even if we don't initially recognize it.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I have to lose? A h that doesn't know me or care to know me. A h that took me for granted. A h that let me carry most of the responsibility/"tough stuff" throughout our marriage so he could be carefree. A h that doesn't see past today and is short-sighted. A h that I lose a bit more respect for each day. A h that can't/won't own his actions. A husband that gaslights and blame-shifts. A h that lies. A h that lies again. A h I don't trust. A h that isn't capable of intimacy. A h I love a little less each day.
What do I have to GAIN? My sense of self. Clarity. Peace. Positivity. I am worth so much more than the crumbs my h has been dropping. I AM the whole package, damnit! I am intelligent, witty, sassy, funny, compassionate, strong, healthy, mindful, beautiful, sexy... and he deserves nothing of me, nothing from me, any more.
Two days ago, I cleared everything from his dressers and nightstand into boxes. Boxes are in the closet. I removed framed pictures of us. I removed his Spartan races medals and trophy displays that I HAD MADE FOR HIM (But I don't support him, remember?). I don't want to see anything related to him in this house...this house he left almost 6 mos. ago.
What do I have to gain? A new life that will be whatever the hell I want it to be. MY new life, starting at age 45, without him. I am worth that new life.
Jo,
DeleteWow. I bet that felt good (even if it also felt painful). It's time to focus on what you have to gain. He has lost the privilege of being in your life. I hope you'll keep us posted about this next chapter.
Jo, I turn 45 in two weeks. My d Day was March 2017. My husband and I are both working hard to rebuild our marriage but I do not know the ending of our story.... Your words are the same words I comfort myself with. We have ourselves and for that we are blessed. Much love and strength to you.
DeleteAnon,
DeleteHappy early birthday to you!
Thank you for your reaffirming words. Sending strength and love to you as well. :)
For me it's stop worrying about what I lost and look at what I gained. I gained a more attentive husband, one who has so much remorse what he did. I gained knowledge on my intuition and learned how to go with my gut. I gained strength that I didn't know I had. I've learned to say no instead of trying to fix everyone and I gained me back.
ReplyDeleteLearning to say 'no' sounds like the easiest thing in the world, doesn't it? But it can be so difficult and yet learning how to do it can be so empowering. Kudos to you for your ability to focus on what you've gained and how that's changed your life for the better.
DeleteAnon,
DeleteI'm happy for you - that you've "gained a more attentive husband." How I do wish I could say the same. I hope your h continues to be attentive and remorseful. I hope he realizes how wonderfully strong you are (and how deeply in love you are with him, dare I say?). He is lucky to have another chance with you.
Jo you are simply amazing! Thank you for this ... I so needed this reminder! Here’s to making 45 an amazing year!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kimberly. I need to repeat those words to myself often lest I forget.
DeleteRight back at ya, warrior sista!
As I have been telling the women in my life about our separation, I thought I would get awkwardness but so many have said "congratulations." So many, even women I don't know well, and those who are still in a functioning relationship share their understanding of what can drive a woman to want to leave. Like Jo said above, I have gained a sense of self, clarity, peace, and positivity. I have also gained the understanding and respect of so many women who see me as strong, confident and not putting up with b.s. I still wish I could have the relationship I want with the man I still love. But that doesn't seem likely. But where I thought there would be only loss, there is so much I have gained.
ReplyDeleteMBS,
DeleteI have had a similar experience with my close women friends and family members. I could have written your last four sentences, as that is how I feel, and that has been my experience lately. Even when my closest friends and my mom were "cheering" for my h and I to end our separation and reunite, they still would comment that my h does not deserve me -- that I deserve so much better. Lately, they tell me they cannot find even one redeeming quality in him, but they still support whatever I decide to do.
That's so awesome. I think so many women, especially those of us who've lived a while, are better at realizing that none of us ever really knows what another's lived experience is and, therefore, should never judge. If a woman feels the need to leave her marriage, then absolutely "congratulations". She's about to write a new chapter in her life!
Delete