I was not sure where to post this, but this is a blog I have read during my recovery and it has given me insight into how the male brain works. The guy that writes the blog is divorced, not because of an affair, but just because he was a typical male. However he has a guest blogger and this is FANTASTIC.
Hi! Thhis is LiliLove. Somehow I can't make it say my name. I can't see the flowers for the rain. I recently went to my doctor because I was feeling bad and my blood pressure was 160/100. He immediately did an EKG and my heart was fine thank God. Then he asked what has changed in your life? So through tears and humiliation I tell him. He explains that it is just anxiety causing this blood pressure spike and writes a prescription for anxiety medication. I remembered when Elle wrote about getting on anti depressants and how much they helped her, so I asked for anti depressants too. Thank you Elle for letting me know its ok to ask for help. I am slowly starting to feel better. I know it will take a month for the anti depressants to really kick in but it feels good knowing I am doing something. The shocking thing for me was when the doctor had me fill out the survey on depression. I had no idea I was that depressed! Wow! What a realization! I highly recommend anyone going through this to see your doctor and take the test. I'm sorry I waited 17 months to do this. My H and I have been going to MC and I have been going to individual therapy but noone asked me if I was depressed or what I was doing about it. Wow. Also thanks to the woman who posted about the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It is a great handbook for your partner who betrayed you. I read it and highlighted for my husband. Let's hope he can make the changes he needs to make because when he told me he wasn't solely responsible for my health issues i.e. anxiety and depression I thought I would walk out and never come back. His shame will NOT let him accept responsibility for my health or allow him to name what he did. He wants to minimalize it all! It is so difficult to deal with all this anger and frustration and sadness and then have the person who did this to you and caused you such pain that it is affecting your health to not take full responsibility! I want to see the flowers again! I want to feel like planting them in my yard again! I want to be the happy person I used to be.
Lililove, I enjoyed your post. I can remember going through the same thing about 18 months. For me it was when the hard work began for me with the defunked marriage. Hard work, learning how to communicate what I needed. I congratulate you on recognizing his part in shame and minimizing, that is great. That is a hard wall to break. I couldn't do it but keep chipping away at it. Love to you.
So true there is the initial phase that was the first year for me of just processing and taking in the trauma of it all. Then the real work began. I found/find it hard and almost roller coaster like. At times everything is amazing and then I get hit by something. I have higher expectations than ever before in my life. Lots of communication like you said LLP. Trying not to slip back into old habits.
Lililove, also I know for my husband it has been hard in many ways. Coming to grips with what he did has been harder than me dealing with everything. I never thought that was possible since he made those decisions but it has been hard and a lot of work for him. Also my husband has struggled with watching the affects of all of this on me. Early on when I told him that finally everything made sense during his 10 years of cheating and how I had a very detailed plan to take my life. He took a long trip and it was the wake up call I needed. But I never understood why he acted the way he did sporadically then it all made sense. It was odd I was thanking him for telling me since all of a sudden I did not feel like I was the crazy one. And seeing my weight loss, not being able to eat, crying. Then now I know it is hard for him it is some version of post traumatic stress. I know intellectually what makes sense but I have a physical reaction to things. And at time I wonder if I will ever get over those feelings or do will I just need to learn to cope with them.
SPEAKING OF RAIN: This is a note to all the OW in the world. When you are lying in a puddle of Karma think of all the betrayed wives.
You are waiting hopelessly thinking he will come back. Your fantasy is he will love you and he will leave me, your happily ever after. He loses more by leaving his family than anything he could gain with you. You two don't share memories of life moments, growing children, joys and sorrows, family or any of that. You share a bed once in a while and that's it. He isn't with you on holidays or special occasions.
I opened the cage door and set that bird free and he came back to start to rebuild something good. If he didn't come back he was never mine to start with. Keep waiting honey or wake up and smell the gravy train.
I told the craxy ow in one of many dealings since she kept calling and harrassing us after Dday that she could have been anyone .. i continued you are a holiday orphan, second best, runner up and ended with you could never fill my shoes or run my house or take care of MY family and chuckled you cant even take care of yourself! I ended saying if she spent half the time she spends sucking a married man dick maybe shed be something ... someone and happy??? U think i didnt get a response she hung up. Me .. bye Felicia! Whore
Wow LLP you really hit it with the OW. The fantasy that they believe is real is unbelievable. Our OW had only slept with my h 3 times and he could barely keep it up for her. The affair lasted 10 days. She had been planning her wedding to him before anything ever happened between them ( someone told me about that) and was trying to get pregnant. She was going to be with him forever and ever and those are her words to me, except she said that my h said that to her. It was a lie. She had put all the blame on my h. When I kicked him out and he spent the night with her he realized all that he had lost and boy did he come running back home the next day. Of course she didn't stop chasing after him, he had to threaten her with a restraining order and moved us across the country to be rid of her. It hasn't been easy but karma must have hit her hard from the truth getting out and all the lies she's told. She lost way more than I did.
I love what you said here LLP and posted above. But this also got me thinking of how sad these women are who believe this fantasy about what their lives are going to be like. I know that the OW and closest friend were making all kinds of plans including weddings and babies. Both of these women left relationships. The OW left her fiance 2 weeks before anything happened with my h. She told people he beat her and cheated on her, none of it was true. Her friend hooked up with her brother, left her h and daughter for this guy. When my h came back home the day after I kicked him out, the OW friend called him and demanded that he leave, me he hung up on her. When they found out we were moving across the country, her friend again tried to contact me and have me call her because the OW thought my h was going to come running back to her. She at this time had gotten dumped by her fiance who she ran back to after my h came home. She was biding her time with him. This is the same friend that put all of these nasty remarks under pictures of us on Instagram. I've tried to hate them but really I just feel nothing but pity for these sad souls.
Just to add to llp, as some of you know I recently divorced , he’s now free to do what he wants with the ow he had been in contact with the last 7 years, but I find out through a trusted friend the other day that he had smashed the ow car up with her in it., honestly this doesn’t surprise me the two of them are toxic and incredibly selfish creatures. I imagine they prob ended up in bed straight after that scenario this isn’t a fairytale ending it’s a recipe for disaster they will never be happy far from it., thank god im not involved with this circus any longer.
Sam A, I can only imagine, they were probably fighting. I can only imagine, maybe he was texting the next OW while driving. I imagine he was looking out the window wishing he were somewhere else. I imagine they can't buy happiness but can buy another car, unless her insurance is lapsed. I doubt if he wanted to drive to tuna town Sam A. Smile, you have the true key that fits the lock on your heart.
I was not sure where to post this, but this is a blog I have read during my recovery and it has given me insight into how the male brain works. The guy that writes the blog is divorced, not because of an affair, but just because he was a typical male. However he has a guest blogger and this is FANTASTIC.
ReplyDeletehttps://mustbethistalltoride.com/2018/07/17/7-steps-to-rebuilding-trust-in-your-relationship-after-betrayal-and-lies/comment-page-1/#comment-64183
This is awesome! Thanks for posting!
DeleteLilyLove
SLM thank you for this. I've seen this blog before but somehow missed this post. I actually shared this link with my WH ...
DeleteHi! Thhis is LiliLove. Somehow I can't make it say my name. I can't see the flowers for the rain. I recently went to my doctor because I was feeling bad and my blood pressure was 160/100. He immediately did an EKG and my heart was fine thank God. Then he asked what has changed in your life? So through tears and humiliation I tell him. He explains that it is just anxiety causing this blood pressure spike and writes a prescription for anxiety medication. I remembered when Elle wrote about getting on anti depressants and how much they helped her, so I asked for anti depressants too. Thank you Elle for letting me know its ok to ask for help. I am slowly starting to feel better. I know it will take a month for the anti depressants to really kick in but it feels good knowing I am doing something. The shocking thing for me was when the doctor had me fill out the survey on depression. I had no idea I was that depressed! Wow! What a realization! I highly recommend anyone going through this to see your doctor and take the test. I'm sorry I waited 17 months to do this. My H and I have been going to MC and I have been going to individual therapy but noone asked me if I was depressed or what I was doing about it. Wow. Also thanks to the woman who posted about the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It is a great handbook for your partner who betrayed you. I read it and highlighted for my husband. Let's hope he can make the changes he needs to make because when he told me he wasn't solely responsible for my health issues i.e. anxiety and depression I thought I would walk out and never come back. His shame will NOT let him accept responsibility for my health or allow him to name what he did. He wants to minimalize it all! It is so difficult to deal with all this anger and frustration and sadness and then have the person who did this to you and caused you such pain that it is affecting your health to not take full responsibility! I want to see the flowers again! I want to feel like planting them in my yard again! I want to be the happy person I used to be.
ReplyDeleteLililove, I enjoyed your post. I can remember going through the same thing about 18 months. For me it was when the hard work began for me with the defunked marriage. Hard work, learning how to communicate what I needed. I congratulate you on recognizing his part in shame and minimizing, that is great. That is a hard wall to break. I couldn't do it but keep chipping away at it. Love to you.
DeleteSo true there is the initial phase that was the first year for me of just processing and taking in the trauma of it all. Then the real work began. I found/find it hard and almost roller coaster like. At times everything is amazing and then I get hit by something. I have higher expectations than ever before in my life. Lots of communication like you said LLP. Trying not to slip back into old habits.
DeleteLililove, also I know for my husband it has been hard in many ways. Coming to grips with what he did has been harder than me dealing with everything. I never thought that was possible since he made those decisions but it has been hard and a lot of work for him. Also my husband has struggled with watching the affects of all of this on me. Early on when I told him that finally everything made sense during his 10 years of cheating and how I had a very detailed plan to take my life. He took a long trip and it was the wake up call I needed. But I never understood why he acted the way he did sporadically then it all made sense. It was odd I was thanking him for telling me since all of a sudden I did not feel like I was the crazy one. And seeing my weight loss, not being able to eat, crying. Then now I know it is hard for him it is some version of post traumatic stress. I know intellectually what makes sense but I have a physical reaction to things. And at time I wonder if I will ever get over those feelings or do will I just need to learn to cope with them.
Love to you.
DeleteLilyLove
SPEAKING OF RAIN: This is a note to all the OW in the world. When you are lying in a puddle of Karma think of all the betrayed wives.
ReplyDeleteYou are waiting hopelessly thinking he will come back. Your fantasy is he will love you and he will leave me, your happily ever after. He loses more by leaving his family than anything he could gain with you. You two don't share memories of life moments, growing children, joys and sorrows, family or any of that. You share a bed once in a while and that's it. He isn't with you on holidays or special occasions.
I opened the cage door and set that bird free and he came back to start to rebuild something good. If he didn't come back he was never mine to start with. Keep waiting honey or wake up and smell the gravy train.
I told the craxy ow in one of many dealings since she kept calling and harrassing us after Dday that she could have been anyone .. i continued you are a holiday orphan, second best, runner up and ended with you could never fill my shoes or run my house or take care of MY family and chuckled you cant even take care of yourself! I ended saying if she spent half the time she spends sucking a married man dick maybe shed be something ... someone and happy??? U think i didnt get a response she hung up. Me .. bye Felicia! Whore
DeleteWow LLP you really hit it with the OW. The fantasy that they believe is real is unbelievable. Our OW had only slept with my h 3 times and he could barely keep it up for her. The affair lasted 10 days. She had been planning her wedding to him before anything ever happened between them ( someone told me about that) and was trying to get pregnant. She was going to be with him forever and ever and those are her words to me, except she said that my h said that to her. It was a lie. She had put all the blame on my h. When I kicked him out and he spent the night with her he realized all that he had lost and boy did he come running back home the next day. Of course she didn't stop chasing after him, he had to threaten her with a restraining order and moved us across the country to be rid of her. It hasn't been easy but karma must have hit her hard from the truth getting out and all the lies she's told. She lost way more than I did.
DeleteI love what you said here LLP and posted above. But this also got me thinking of how sad these women are who believe this fantasy about what their lives are going to be like. I know that the OW and closest friend were making all kinds of plans including weddings and babies. Both of these women left relationships. The OW left her fiance 2 weeks before anything happened with my h. She told people he beat her and cheated on her, none of it was true. Her friend hooked up with her brother, left her h and daughter for this guy. When my h came back home the day after I kicked him out, the OW friend called him and demanded that he leave, me he hung up on her. When they found out we were moving across the country, her friend again tried to contact me and have me call her because the OW thought my h was going to come running back to her. She at this time had gotten dumped by her fiance who she ran back to after my h came home. She was biding her time with him. This is the same friend that put all of these nasty remarks under pictures of us on Instagram. I've tried to hate them but really I just feel nothing but pity for these sad souls.
DeleteLove this llp, : )
ReplyDeleteJust to add to llp, as some of you know I recently divorced , he’s now free to do what he wants with the ow he had been in contact with the last 7 years, but I find out through a trusted friend the other day that he had smashed the ow car up with her in it., honestly this doesn’t surprise me the two of them are toxic and incredibly selfish creatures. I imagine they prob ended up in bed straight after that scenario this isn’t a fairytale ending it’s a recipe for disaster they will never be happy far from it., thank god im not involved with this circus any longer.
ReplyDeleteSam A, I can only imagine, they were probably fighting. I can only imagine, maybe he was texting the next OW while driving. I imagine he was looking out the window wishing he were somewhere else. I imagine they can't buy happiness but can buy another car, unless her insurance is lapsed. I doubt if he wanted to drive to tuna town Sam A. Smile, you have the true key that fits the lock on your heart.
DeleteLLP
ReplyDeleteI love your take on the ow! You speak such deep truth!