He is responsible TO you. Not FOR you.

The question most of us ask as we're working through whether to rebuild our marriage or walk away is "can I ever trust him again?"

It's an obvious question. He betrayed your trust. He lied. And if he's asking for a second (or third) chance, it's incumbent on him to show you that he's worthy of it. How? By seeking help in understanding why he made the choice to cheat. By learning how to make a different choice in the future.

But, even if he does everything he can to show that he will do everything he can to make a different choice, unless you've also learned how to trust yourself, it will be difficult to rebuild your marriage.

I know what you're probably thinking. It's what most of us think  – are indeed programmed to think by our "soul-mate", "love cures all" pop-culture world: That he was supposed to take care of us.

Those promises we make each other, in relationships and, publicly, on our wedding day are kinda gauzy, aren't they? We promise to "love, honour and cherish". We promise "in sickness and in health." If we wrote our own vows, they probably said something about our "soul-mate", our "best friend", and "forever". They likely said nothing about what we'd do when that soul-mate disappointed us so profoundly. Nothing about when our "best friend" betrayed us. Because our culture doesn't hold room those realities. Not out loud. Those things are whispered. They're said in darkness.

And so we enter this gauzy future that we think will come into focus. And it does.

On D-Day. When we discover that the person we thought was responsible for our happiness has broken our heart.

But that, my friends, is when the jig is up. It's when we discover, if we're paying attention, that he was never responsible FOR us. He was responsible TO us. 

Big difference.

The difference is this: Handing over responsibility FOR our happiness makes us passive. It leaves us at the mercy of everyone around us. Understanding that we are responsible TO those we love, and they to us, keeps us actively engaged in our own happiness. It keeps us in charge. We're no longer outsourcing what we need, we're creating it for ourselves.

Of course, that doesn't make betrayal any less painful.

But it can make healing from it marginally easier. Because from the get-go, we take responsibility for it. We don't expect him to make us happy again. The job of healing is ours.

It's often said that we can't control what happens to us but we can control how we respond to what happens. 

Focusing outward defines us as victims. It takes away our power. If we insist on others being responsible FOR us, we relinquish responsibility for how we respond to what happens to us. 

Here's what it looks like: 

If we take responsibility, if we insist on trusting only those in our lives who have shown us over time that they can be trusted, we're less likely to be blindsided again. We're less likely to forgive until we've seen hard evidence that the person seeking our forgiveness has done the tough work of figuring out why they hurt us in the first place. Each and every time someone indicates they aren't trustworthy, our radar should send a clear message to our brains...which should inform our hearts. As a friend of mine says, the distance between our brains and hearts can be the longest 18 inches there is. And we should not trust until we see, clearly and consistently, that he's taking responsibility for HIS actions and that his word means something.
In the meantime, we're responsible TO him and he to us. To treat each other with decency. With honesty. With respect and kindness. And we're responsible FOR ourselves. To be accountable for our actions. 

It's a far less romantic way to view a partnership. It flies in the face of the "two halves becoming one" and all the other love myths that don't prepare us at all for a marriage that we expect to last until death do us part. But it's a healthier way. What's more, two people coming together, not because they need each other for their happiness, but because they choose each other, strikes me as more romantic.