Letting go is actually a long, arduous series of choices and moments that build up over time. I also think “letting go” as a concept gets a little overblown in terms of importance. You don’t have to completely be “over” something to move forward with your life, and what does over even look like? Some things from the past will always sting a little when you press on the wound and that’s ok!
From "Here's the Thing", June 21, 2021
There's something that so many of are taught when we're young and trying to determine which path to take and it's this: If it's the "right" decision, it will feel right.
I believed that. And sometimes that belief served me well. But mostly, it did not. Because what felt "right" for me was often very very wrong.
I stayed, for instance, for seven years in my 20s with a guy who was emotionally unavailable to me except when I got fed up and pulled away. I was locked in this push-me-pull-me dance for seven long years. It felt "right" to me because my whole life had been about being told, in one way or another, that my needs were too much, that I was too much. And so, when he pulled away, it felt familiar. I needed to reign in my need, I figured. I needed to reign in myself. "Right" only felt right because it felt familiar.
Part of this idea, that a "right" decision feels right, is the belief in a gut instinct, in "trusting our gut". And, again, on some level, I subscribe to this. It was my "gut" that finally convinced my brain that something was up with my husband. It was my "gut" that knew what that something was, that knew who that something was. And I do believe that we often know things before we know them. Which is to say, we can learn to be still, to listen to that small still voice that we've often muffled if not silenced, and discover that's where our truth lies – a truth that centers ourselves and our needs. A truth that respects ourselves.
But that's different than assuming that the right decision feels right. That right somehow feels easy. Quite the contrary. Because often the "right" decision feels horrible. It feels panicky. It feels incredibly uncomfortable not because it's wrong but because we're not accustomed to making decisions that are "right" for us. For many of us, it's been a lifetime of making ourselves small to fit into what others want us to be. It's been a lifetime of dancing the same steps we've been taught, even when that dance was harmful to us. To stop doing that can feel like being parachuted into a strange country.
But look around. This new strange country, while frightening, can also be beautiful. This "right" choice might feel uncomfortable only until we start taking a look around, acknowledging just how fresh the air tastes. That doesn't mean we won't have moments of regret. That we won't sometimes miss what was familiar. New is still...new.
Until it's not. Until we've made it our new home, until we've made ourselves comfortable there.
So, whatever choice you ultimately make, do it with no expectations that your life will suddenly come up roses. You've got to plant those suckers. You've got give them good soil, prune them back. And then, when some time has passed and there's been a good mix of sunshine and rain, just watch that babies bloom.
Thank you for this Elle! Every morning I pray that I am making the right decision to stay and work on my marriage but I still don’t know if that’s the right thing or not. I am 18 months past d day of discovering a porn addiction and multiple affairs and I think, how can I ever really love this man again? Can we ever really be happy again or will I just continue to feel like an outsider in my own marriage the rest of my life? My husband has been putting in a lot of effort but I still cannot believe what he has done to me and our marriage. Nothing feels right and nothing feels good with regards to staying or leaving. We have two kids who adore him and are my main motivation for seeing if this can work. But there are just no easy choices. Thanks for your blog, it is so validating and comforting.
ReplyDeleteHi The Blogosphere,
DeleteNo, there are no easy choices. As I once wrote, we're basically stuck with "shitty" and "shittier". It was in a blog post that I titled, "Which Direction is Good for You? Head that way..." And I noted that once I completely gave up on the idea that I'd ever be happy again, I resolved to just feel...better. Not great. Just better than I felt right then. And once we start constructing a life with the aim of just feeling...better, we sometimes discover, after some time has past, that our "next right step" gets clearer and clearer.
I hope that's what happens for you, Blogosphere. In the meantime, if you want to read the whole thing, here it is: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2015/10/which-direction-is-good-for-you-head.html
Thank you so much for this post. The date of this post marks 1 year since D-Day for me. Every day since I found out, I have questioned if I’m making the right choice in staying and attempting to rebuild my marriage with my husband. In some moments, I feel so strong, and I feel like rebuilding our marriage is the right choice. Then later (sometimes that same day), the pain and grief overwhelm me, and I wonder how I’ll ever feel happiness again. Will I ever feel loved again? Will my marriage ever be my safe place again? Every morning, I wake up with this heartbreak and wonder if it will ever fade. Before D-Day, I thought I absolutely knew what I’d do if my husband cheated on me. I’d leave because it meant he didn’t love me or respect me, right? But what do you do if he’s heartbroken too and full of remorse?
ReplyDeleteI don’t know what my future holds, but I appreciate you Elle and this blog and others’ blogs… reading about others’ experiences, whether they stayed with their spouse or decided to rebuild on their own. Infidelity is incredibly isolating, so finding those courageous enough to write about it has saved me. I’ve learned so much from those willing to write: Rosie from “Making This Better” telling me to invest in finding myself first. Cad Confessional helping me better understand my husband’s pain. Your post, “The Meaninglessness of Affairs,” helping me understand what it means when he says, “It didn’t mean anything” (How can something so “meaningless” be so incredibly painful?) And so many others helping me find my own path.
To Elle and all the other writers out there… thank you. You’ve helped me so much over this year. I’m so grateful for your voices.
Wilted Buttercup,
DeleteYou, my friend, will absolutely find joy again. You will find love because, at the least (and the most!), you will rediscover your own incredible self. Nobody with your level of open-heartedness can help but triumph over this pain. But for now, feel it. Let it crack you open when it hits, and let it recede when it's ready. But through it all, remind yourself of your own value, remind yourself of how many other warriors -- like you -- are out here fighting our way toward healing. You are indeed finding your own path. And, it sounds as though your husband is too, which is a good thing. Sometimes our hearts get broken so that they can be reassembled more beautifully. Maybe that's the case with you and your husband.
Thank-you for sharing your thoughts, Buttercup. You are a blessing.
I'm from Argentina sorry for my English... I so resemble with this. Thank you. I felt I was the only one feeling like this and even felt bad about it. Like I was going crazy. I re-read your post. I'm still thinking about it. Hugs
DeleteWe have to come to the realization that because we have been making the wrong decisions for so long, when we finally do right it is something we are not accustomed to. And sometimes change hurts until the new is no longer new. I wish the pain on no one else, EVER.
ReplyDelete