Letting go is actually a long, arduous series of choices and moments that build up over time. I also think “letting go” as a concept gets a little overblown in terms of importance. You don’t have to completely be “over” something to move forward with your life, and what does over even look like? Some things from the past will always sting a little when you press on the wound and that’s ok!
From "Here's the Thing", June 21, 2021
There's something that so many of are taught when we're young and trying to determine which path to take and it's this: If it's the "right" decision, it will feel right.
I believed that. And sometimes that belief served me well. But mostly, it did not. Because what felt "right" for me was often very very wrong.
I stayed, for instance, for seven years in my 20s with a guy who was emotionally unavailable to me except when I got fed up and pulled away. I was locked in this push-me-pull-me dance for seven long years. It felt "right" to me because my whole life had been about being told, in one way or another, that my needs were too much, that I was too much. And so, when he pulled away, it felt familiar. I needed to reign in my need, I figured. I needed to reign in myself. "Right" only felt right because it felt familiar.
Part of this idea, that a "right" decision feels right, is the belief in a gut instinct, in "trusting our gut". And, again, on some level, I subscribe to this. It was my "gut" that finally convinced my brain that something was up with my husband. It was my "gut" that knew what that something was, that knew who that something was. And I do believe that we often know things before we know them. Which is to say, we can learn to be still, to listen to that small still voice that we've often muffled if not silenced, and discover that's where our truth lies – a truth that centers ourselves and our needs. A truth that respects ourselves.
But that's different than assuming that the right decision feels right. That right somehow feels easy. Quite the contrary. Because often the "right" decision feels horrible. It feels panicky. It feels incredibly uncomfortable not because it's wrong but because we're not accustomed to making decisions that are "right" for us. For many of us, it's been a lifetime of making ourselves small to fit into what others want us to be. It's been a lifetime of dancing the same steps we've been taught, even when that dance was harmful to us. To stop doing that can feel like being parachuted into a strange country.
But look around. This new strange country, while frightening, can also be beautiful. This "right" choice might feel uncomfortable only until we start taking a look around, acknowledging just how fresh the air tastes. That doesn't mean we won't have moments of regret. That we won't sometimes miss what was familiar. New is still...new.
Until it's not. Until we've made it our new home, until we've made ourselves comfortable there.
So, whatever choice you ultimately make, do it with no expectations that your life will suddenly come up roses. You've got to plant those suckers. You've got give them good soil, prune them back. And then, when some time has passed and there's been a good mix of sunshine and rain, just watch that babies bloom.
