Beware the Easy Answers

More than a dozen years ago, in shock from D-Day #1, I began rooting around for someone – anyone – who could tell me what to do. Thing is, I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. There were plenty of voices urging me to leave my husband. The "once a cheater..." crowd can be deafening. 

Quieter, and therefore harder to find, is the "it's possible to remain married...and happy" group. Though I have a faith, I'm uncomfortable with the "God's plan" approach to marriage/infidelity. What I really wanted is what you're reading here: A site that would share a betrayed wife's truth. That there's a whole lot of uncertainty, at least at first. That the fear can be debilitating at times. That the pain can feel excruciating. That it's normal to feel lost and confused and filled with doubt. 

What I wanted to hear is what I'm saying to you now: Infidelity raises questions to which there aren't (usually) easy answers. I offer up the parenthesis because sometimes the answer is easy. Sometimes the abuse is clear. Sometimes his dismissal of your pain is clear. So that even while it might hurt like a motherf@#&er to go, it's still the obvious choice.

But for the rest of us – the vast silent majority who aren't married to a clinical narcissist or an abuser – the path forward is less clear. In a lot of cases, there isn't a path at all, until we create one.

So what I want to say now, and what I wish I had heard loud and clear 12 years ago is this: There is only one person who knows what's right for you right now. And that person is you.

Not what you wanted to hear, is it? So much more appealing to imagine that there's someone out there with the experience and the wisdom and insight to prescribe the path forward. Take two steps and call me in the morning. Yeah, I wanted that too. We all do.

But here's the thing. I don't know your husband. I don't know your children. I don't have a crystal ball that can conjure up your future. I don't know your heart.

I did know my own.

And I knew that, even as I pointed to excuses – I couldn't leave because it would be too disruptive to my children,  I couldn't leave because I could barely get dinner on the table, I couldn't leave because I had work commitments that didn't allow at that time for chaos – the truth is, I didn't want to leave. Not then. Maybe later. But not then.

And so what I wanted was someone to tell me that was the right response.

I didn't want to hear it was what God wanted for me. I didn't want to hear that my husband would undoubtedly cheat again ("once a cheater..."). What I wanted was permission to stay. To listen to my heart.

It was hard to find. And when I did find it, mostly in my therapist's office where she kept redirecting my answer-seeking to my own heart, it was hard to hear over the noise of the "he's a narcissist" mob.

And so, when I created Betrayed Wives Club in order to find others like me who'd chosen to stay and rebuild a marriage, I was adamant that I couldn't know what was right for you. I couldn't possibly predict whether your husband would cheat again, whether he would learn and grow from this or whether he would break your heart, whether he was worthy of the second chance you wanted to give him or whether he was not. But I did know this: You know. 

A couple of weeks past D-Day, having confessed to a woman who, at that point was a casual friend but who worked in my husband's office and therefore knew the OW, she gave me a bracelet with these words by Goethe stamped on it:

Just trust yourself. Then you will know how to live.

I wear that bracelet daily. For twelve years I have lived by that philosophy.

And I promise you, it works.

Just trust yourself. 

You know what you want. And while we can sometimes urge you to open your eyes to things you might rather not see, or remind you of things you've forgotten, you are the one who best knows your heart. If you and your heart aren't so familiar with each other, consider this an invitation to refamiliarize yourself. 

And beware those who promise you easy answers. Beware of anyone who tells you there is one – and only one – response to infidelity. Beware of those who elicit your worst impulses. Who mistake anger for power. Who confuse certainty with growth.

Just trust yourself. Then you will know how to live.