How? How do we forgive ourselves for putting our children at risk? How do we even accept that we missed the warning signs. How do we hold on when our kids ask what want wrong? I am having a hard time right now. My daughters [25 and 22] want to know WHY? So do I. My 14 yr boy is starting to display the entitled attitudes that his father has. There is no supports for teens in these situations. or young kids either. I keep getting told my son will grow out of it. Bullsh^%$t. His Father did not , how will he? I am very confused and scared for my son. If any have suggestions I am listening. Thank you Elle for your hard work and kindness.
just me, I hear so much pain in your question and so much self-blame. None of us is perfect. My guess is, you made the best choices for yourself and your children based on what you knew at the time. Which is all any of us can do. We missed the warning signs because we weren't looking for them, or because we trusted our partners, or because they weren't very obvious...or...or... We didn't miss them because we're stupid or bad partners/parents or bad people. You begin to forgive yourself the day you stop expecting yourself to have been perfect, for having known what you didn't know. And by forgiving yourself, you demonstrate self-compassion to your children. Nothing is gained by holding yourself responsible for another person's poor behaviour, or even not responding "right" to that other person's poor behaviour. As for "why", it's a good question that you may never have a satisfactory answer to. Why do people cheat? For any number of reasons but mostly because they are seeking something outside of themselves that only exists inside of themselves. Healthy whole people don't cheat. They treat others and themselves with honesty and respect. Those who cheat just as often lie to themselves. But we do know this: Your husband didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you or your family. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. I hope you'll continue to push back, gently, on your son's entitled behaviours. He is no more special or deserving than anyone else on the planet. You love him, of course. But that doesn't make him special. Just special to you. The sooner he learns to treat others with respect and honesty and integrity, the easier his own life will be. That said, our culture far too often discourages boys from being soft or vulnerable. I hope he knows it's safe to do so with you. I've dealt with this with my own (almost 21-year-old) son. His sisters and I push back every single time. We point out when his views are misogynistic, when he's being insensitive. (We push back on each other, too, of course. It's too easy to fall into our own biases and world views.) I've worked hard to create an environment where we're all entitled to our opinions but never to demean each other. We don't always agree with each other but we do try to always respect each other. I feel for your daughters. My father cheated and it's heartbreaking. To this day (he's 92, my mother dead), I love him but I don't respect him. He never took responsibility for the pain he caused. He never learned from it or grew from it. He's a small man. But I did learn to not take it personally. It had nothing to do with me or my mom, except in that he always felt intimidated by my mother's confidence/extroversion and so he found partners with whom he felt big. But that's a him problem. Hang in there, just me. And please, be gentle with yourself. When you start having those thoughts along the lines of "how could I have not seen that?" or "why didn't I protect my children?" remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you knew. I suspect you were a far better mom than you're giving yourself credit for.
Thank you Elle. I do know this in my head. But, my heart, that is a different story. Storys are what my h has been feeding himself and I for close to 16yrs. My emotions don't feel like they are getting punched anymore. Now it is a full on general ache. no source , just hurt. I had always worked from a place of respecting anothers position with out agreeing with it. But that stance does have limits. I am learning them. Thanks again for your understanding and compassion.
How? How do we forgive ourselves for putting our children at risk? How do we even accept that we missed the warning signs. How do we hold on when our kids ask what want wrong? I am having a hard time right now. My daughters [25 and 22] want to know WHY? So do I. My 14 yr boy is starting to display the entitled attitudes that his father has. There is no supports for teens in these situations. or young kids either. I keep getting told my son will grow out of it. Bullsh^%$t. His Father did not , how will he? I am very confused and scared for my son. If any have suggestions I am listening. Thank you Elle for your hard work and kindness.
ReplyDeletejust me,
DeleteI hear so much pain in your question and so much self-blame. None of us is perfect. My guess is, you made the best choices for yourself and your children based on what you knew at the time. Which is all any of us can do. We missed the warning signs because we weren't looking for them, or because we trusted our partners, or because they weren't very obvious...or...or... We didn't miss them because we're stupid or bad partners/parents or bad people.
You begin to forgive yourself the day you stop expecting yourself to have been perfect, for having known what you didn't know. And by forgiving yourself, you demonstrate self-compassion to your children. Nothing is gained by holding yourself responsible for another person's poor behaviour, or even not responding "right" to that other person's poor behaviour.
As for "why", it's a good question that you may never have a satisfactory answer to. Why do people cheat? For any number of reasons but mostly because they are seeking something outside of themselves that only exists inside of themselves. Healthy whole people don't cheat. They treat others and themselves with honesty and respect. Those who cheat just as often lie to themselves. But we do know this: Your husband didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you or your family. He cheated because there's something wrong with him.
I hope you'll continue to push back, gently, on your son's entitled behaviours. He is no more special or deserving than anyone else on the planet. You love him, of course. But that doesn't make him special. Just special to you. The sooner he learns to treat others with respect and honesty and integrity, the easier his own life will be. That said, our culture far too often discourages boys from being soft or vulnerable. I hope he knows it's safe to do so with you. I've dealt with this with my own (almost 21-year-old) son. His sisters and I push back every single time. We point out when his views are misogynistic, when he's being insensitive. (We push back on each other, too, of course. It's too easy to fall into our own biases and world views.) I've worked hard to create an environment where we're all entitled to our opinions but never to demean each other. We don't always agree with each other but we do try to always respect each other.
I feel for your daughters. My father cheated and it's heartbreaking. To this day (he's 92, my mother dead), I love him but I don't respect him. He never took responsibility for the pain he caused. He never learned from it or grew from it. He's a small man. But I did learn to not take it personally. It had nothing to do with me or my mom, except in that he always felt intimidated by my mother's confidence/extroversion and so he found partners with whom he felt big. But that's a him problem.
Hang in there, just me. And please, be gentle with yourself. When you start having those thoughts along the lines of "how could I have not seen that?" or "why didn't I protect my children?" remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you knew. I suspect you were a far better mom than you're giving yourself credit for.
Thank you Elle. I do know this in my head. But, my heart, that is a different story. Storys are what my h has been feeding himself and I for close to 16yrs. My emotions don't feel like they are getting punched anymore. Now it is a full on general ache. no source , just hurt. I had always worked from a place of respecting anothers position with out agreeing with it. But that stance does have limits. I am learning them. Thanks again for your understanding and compassion.
Delete