Four months since D-Day and I'm the one waiting for him to make a decision on our marriage when he's the one who cheated. Why do I think I'm not worth it?
Dear Anonymous.....I am so sorry for what has brought you to this site, but am glad that we are here for you! I am 2 1/2 years since D-Day and am so grateful for finding this site in those first few rough months! My mantra became 'I am enough. I matter' with the emphasis on 'I'. No matter what my cheating-lying wasband did, and continued to do (cheating-lying...I kicked him out on D-Day) I kept telling myself 'I am enough. I am worth fighting for, I am worth being with, I am a delightful human being with so much to give in so many ways'....I shifted my focus from what he had done, from what he wanted, to me, just me. My focus was on ME. I was in a freaked -out crisis and I spent many many months basically alone, searching for why I felt I was not good enough to 'keep him'...after all, I gave him gold and he repeatedly threw it all down the toilet...I had to dig deep within myself to discover that my long-seated-chilhood-fear-of-abandonment came true, from my supposedly devoted husband of 15 years. Did I deserve the mental/emotional/physical pain from my discovery? nope. but Karma has a way sometimes of bringing disaster in order for us to learn something...I learned that over the years, I gave literally everything to the marriage, to my husband and perhaps this stemmed from a need to be loved and not be abandoned. After we separated, he started dating a girl literally half his age. I was heartbroken all over again. Why wasn't I worth his attention, why didn't he fight for the marriage? why didn't he get counseling for his sex addiction? Who knows. I taught myself to not care. But I also chose to steer my thinking in a positive direction, that I WAS worth fighting for, wasband just couldn't do it. Or didn't want to. That's on him. I couldn't fight his fight. I was trying to survive so I took care of myself. I surrended to the Universe my role as Wife/friend/partner and chose to accept that D-Day was real and that nothing would ever be the same. I did lots of yoga-meditation-breathing-exercises and went for nature walks frequently. I reached out to a few very close gal-pals that I could safely confide in and they assured me I was definitely 'worth it'. I cannot emphasize this enough...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. !!! vitamins, fresh food, no alcohol...mindful activities, calm vibes....GOOD SAFE COMPANY. Some acquaintances wanted to trash and hate my husband on my behalf, but at the end of the day I needed trusted friends telling me I was ok, and that they had my back. You will come to discover in your own time why you think you are not worth it. Cheaters sometimes will just go with the flow...you may say, ok, let's save our marriage! and he will say OK. But will he do the work? and all you do is worry if he is cheating again? After I kicked him out I felt, why did I have to do all the work on 'getting better' when he is the one that destroyed everything? but the bigger picture is that I was given an incredible opportunity for self-growth. Yes, I resented having to pull myself up by the boot-straps but I did. It was not a smooth process but I persevered. Ask yourself, do you want to get through this? whatever that means, whatever that looks like...stay in the marriage, don't stay in the marriage....but whatever steps you take forward, know that you cannot go back to the way things were. Maybe you will stay with him, but it will be different. For me (deep) broken trust is like a broken window...you can try to put the pieces of glass back together again, but it will never be the same window. It will be different, that's for sure! So for now, my two cents is for you to take care of YOU. Please be well and check in again here!
Miss you Elle and hope you are well. I cant possible thank you enough for the years of raw vulnerability and truth that have been truly integral to my healing. SO much of your story ( your childhood, your husband's infidelities and the way they came out) etc etc are so similar to mine, I feel like we are lost sisters lol. I really dont know how to possibly thank you for the blog and dont know where I would be without it. I hope that you and your family are well.. We miss you, but totally understand needing some time away. {hugs} to you and to all of us who unfortunately find ourselves in this club.
I used to come to this site frequently for wisdom and support. I come less often now, but gain so much from it. I felt anxious when I saw there have not been the usual posts. Like the previous posters, I also felt great concern for you, Elle. You and this site are so important to so many.
Elle, I hope you will check in soon. I feel like you have saved not only my marriage but my life with your blog and perspective. I hope you are ok. I check multiple times per day worried about you.
I noticed a lot of people are having issues with this on Twitter.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to see my worth after dday.
Four months since D-Day and I'm the one waiting for him to make a decision on our marriage when he's the one who cheated. Why do I think I'm not worth it?
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous.....I am so sorry for what has brought you to this site, but am glad that we are here for you! I am 2 1/2 years since D-Day and am so grateful for finding this site in those first few rough months! My mantra became 'I am enough. I matter' with the emphasis on 'I'. No matter what my cheating-lying wasband did, and continued to do (cheating-lying...I kicked him out on D-Day) I kept telling myself 'I am enough. I am worth fighting for, I am worth being with, I am a delightful human being with so much to give in so many ways'....I shifted my focus from what he had done, from what he wanted, to me, just me. My focus was on ME. I was in a freaked -out crisis and I spent many many months basically alone, searching for why I felt I was not good enough to 'keep him'...after all, I gave him gold and he repeatedly threw it all down the toilet...I had to dig deep within myself to discover that my long-seated-chilhood-fear-of-abandonment came true, from my supposedly devoted husband of 15 years. Did I deserve the mental/emotional/physical pain from my discovery? nope. but Karma has a way sometimes of bringing disaster in order for us to learn something...I learned that over the years, I gave literally everything to the marriage, to my husband and perhaps this stemmed from a need to be loved and not be abandoned. After we separated, he started dating a girl literally half his age. I was heartbroken all over again. Why wasn't I worth his attention, why didn't he fight for the marriage? why didn't he get counseling for his sex addiction? Who knows. I taught myself to not care. But I also chose to steer my thinking in a positive direction, that I WAS worth fighting for, wasband just couldn't do it. Or didn't want to. That's on him. I couldn't fight his fight. I was trying to survive so I took care of myself. I surrended to the Universe my role as Wife/friend/partner and chose to accept that D-Day was real and that nothing would ever be the same. I did lots of yoga-meditation-breathing-exercises and went for nature walks frequently. I reached out to a few very close gal-pals that I could safely confide in and they assured me I was definitely 'worth it'. I cannot emphasize this enough...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. !!! vitamins, fresh food, no alcohol...mindful activities, calm vibes....GOOD SAFE COMPANY. Some acquaintances wanted to trash and hate my husband on my behalf, but at the end of the day I needed trusted friends telling me I was ok, and that they had my back. You will come to discover in your own time why you think you are not worth it. Cheaters sometimes will just go with the flow...you may say, ok, let's save our marriage! and he will say OK. But will he do the work? and all you do is worry if he is cheating again? After I kicked him out I felt, why did I have to do all the work on 'getting better' when he is the one that destroyed everything? but the bigger picture is that I was given an incredible opportunity for self-growth. Yes, I resented having to pull myself up by the boot-straps but I did. It was not a smooth process but I persevered. Ask yourself, do you want to get through this? whatever that means, whatever that looks like...stay in the marriage, don't stay in the marriage....but whatever steps you take forward, know that you cannot go back to the way things were. Maybe you will stay with him, but it will be different. For me (deep) broken trust is like a broken window...you can try to put the pieces of glass back together again, but it will never be the same window. It will be different, that's for sure! So for now, my two cents is for you to take care of YOU. Please be well and check in again here!
DeleteThank you for this post. Focusing on me is exactly what I will need to do.
DeleteMiss you Elle and hope you are well. I cant possible thank you enough for the years of raw vulnerability and truth that have been truly integral to my healing. SO much of your story ( your childhood, your husband's infidelities and the way they came out) etc etc are so similar to mine, I feel like we are lost sisters lol. I really dont know how to possibly thank you for the blog and dont know where I would be without it. I hope that you and your family are well.. We miss you, but totally understand needing some time away. {hugs} to you and to all of us who unfortunately find ourselves in this club.
ReplyDeleteHoping you and your family are okay, Elle.
ReplyDeleteElle, hope you are ok. Check in with us when you can.
ReplyDeleteI used to come to this site frequently for wisdom and support. I come less often now, but gain so much from it. I felt anxious when I saw there have not been the usual posts. Like the previous posters, I also felt great concern for you, Elle. You and this site are so important to so many.
ReplyDeleteElle, I hope you will check in soon. I feel like you have saved not only my marriage but my life with your blog and perspective. I hope you are ok. I check multiple times per day worried about you.
ReplyDelete