"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a lie that won't die

I recently posted on Twitter something about how none of us is obliged to give anyone a second chance and that if we're going to extend such a gift, to make sure he's worthy of it. Don't give a second chance to someone who insists you need to get over this on his timeline. Or who doesn't believe in therapy, except for you because he's fine but you, clearly, are crazy. Or who refuses to talk to you about your pain, or support you when you're triggered.
I should have known. I should have known that when I posted something about second chances, I was pretty much holding the door open for the "once a cheater, always a cheater" crowd to walk in and start ranting about how second chances are for suckers.
I get so tired of it.
Maybe I'm more tired of it than usual because everything feels so polarized right now and nobody seems to want to give anybody any leeway, or have a conversation with any nuance, or consider that another's motives just maybe aren't as horrible as we assume.
Maybe I'm more tired of it than usual because I've been hearing this same bullshit for 12 years, since I first learned of my husband's betrayal and figured there was only one door I could go through and it swung just one way.
Maybe I'm tired of it because so many of those old nuggets that we thought we'd left behind – that women lie about sexual assault, that sexual harassment is just women being too sensitive, that if women worked as hard as men they'd have shattered that glass ceiling – have been revealed as alive and well in our culture. We haven't come as far as we thought we had.
Maybe I'm particularly tired of it because, with my new book out, I'm still hiding in the shadows because cheating remains the most unforgivable of sins and my husband continues to live in abject fear of being exposed as the scummiest of scumbags. Despite 12 years of working his ass off to be a better husband. Despite 12 years of learning how to reconcile acceptance of what he did with the values he holds.
Or maybe I'm just tired of it because the "once a cheater..." adage is demonstrably untrue.
I think, however, that what I'm most tired of is this notion that we have to choose a team. Team Second Chance vs. Team Once a Cheater.
I don't have a problem with anyone for whom cheating is a deal-breaker. Nobody is under any obligation to stay with a cheater (or a non-cheater, for that matter). But it's a far different thing to stand firmly in the "it's a deal-breaker" camp than in the "once a cheater" camp. One focuses on responding to past actions. The other focuses on predicting future actions.
I have many friends who've been betrayed. Some have left, some have stayed, some are still the process of figuring it out. It matters not one bit whether they extended a second chance or whether they showed him the door within five minutes of finding out. Without fail, every single one of them has had to navigate the heartbreak of betrayal. Some husband have stepped up, some have continued the affair, some have remained utterly clueless about how their actions devastated their wife and children, others have morphed into husband-of-the-year. It hasn't really mattered. What has mattered is that the betrayal itself changed everything. And within that devastation, our sisters need our support. Not our judgement. Not our opinions. Our support.
Support looks like a hug. It looks like a casserole. It looks like a Miniature Horse or two (seriously. Ask one of our retreat attendees). It looks like showing up for each other with no advice at all. It looks like the freedom to make our own choices about how to respond to betrayal without shame or ridicule or dismissal.
I can't possibly know whether your husband will cheat again. I can't possibly know whether my husband will cheat again. What I can do is encourage you to examine your marriage with clear eyes. I can encourage you to create and enforce boundaries. I can point out when your husband's behaviour is abusive. Or dismissive of your pain. I can remind you that hope isn't the same thing as evidence.
And I can help create this place where you can bring your pain and your disappointment and know that you will not be shouted down or mocked because your response to betrayal is different than mine.
This tent is big enough to hold all of us. Except the liars.