I recently found out that I am the OW. I was friends with the guy from school, and even though he was in a relationship, he hardcore pursued me. He drunkenly called me and admitted that he liked me, before soberly admitting it a few months later. He and his gf decided to go on a break, and I made absolutely sure that it was okay that they see other people before the two of us went out or did anything. I was extremely clear on that. We hooked up once. Whenever we made plans to see each other over the course of the next few months he would cancel, saying that he had to work or making up other excuses. About two months ago I found that he was still commenting on his (ex)gf's social media posts, and I instantly got a bad gut feeling, but didn't confront him about it because I didn't want to seem crazy. Shortly after that he called me crying because they had officially broken up. Since we were friends first I have really tried my best to be there for him and support him. But the more he has opened up to me about their relationship, the more I have realized that he lied to me the entire time we were seeing each other and that they may not have really been on a break. He's trying to rebuild a relationship with her (friendship or getting back together, he just keeps saying "let's see where things go"), and relies on me to talk things through and be his support. It has come to a point where I don't know how to be his friend and support him because of how he has betrayed me and how much he has hurt me. We have talked a little bit about it and he knows how hard it is for me to be there for him in this situation, but I don't think he fully understands the depth of hurt that I feel from his actions. I don't really want to cut him out of my life, but I also don't know how to proceed or even attempt to heal things.
I found out five years ago I was married to a donkey who was and is a cheater and treated me like a joke the entire time. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would be gone and I mean that. Porn, cam girls, real girls, just gross. Why do I stay? I’ve been with him since I was 21 (now 54). I can’t fathom life in my own and if I leave life will be harder financially and emotionally in many ways. I’m too tired to deal with it. I do not ever want to remarry or even date again. I see no benefit in it because I like my own space and can’t imagine having another man in my bed, nude to top it all off, lol. No thanks. I’ve been in therapy for years and on antidepressants but in the end I think it’s situational depression because I just can’t shake it for long. We have two kids and the last one is just getting ready to launch so I have no real excuse on that front. I don’t care who or what he does anymore and we can agree that his “needs” are best met by a professional 🙄 I wish I could put the rose colored glasses back on but it’s like trying to believe in Santa again. I wish the pain (in my ass) would go away for good. I just have to realize that I am choosing this over uncertainty and because at 54 I have so much shared history with this joke I can’t ever be free of him. Not really. Sorry but I’m just tired and hurting in my heart tonight, and embarrassed that my happily ever after is in reality a 30-years walk of shame. And to think he haunted me over every dime I spent while paying those girls to “talk” to him. I have zero respect for him, or, apparently since I’m still with this Don Draper wannabe, myself. Sorry for the rant, but I need to vent.
I’m so sorry, I have also been in a 30+ year marriage and am 6 months since Dday. I totally get that you don’t want to start over with anyone and that the future at our ages is scary financially and alone. I feel your sadness, depression and heartache. You are not alone…..I’m so grateful I found this site.
Dear Elle, I cannot thank you enough for your website and the space you are giving us to share our story. Reading your posts is the only thing that makes me feel understood in an unbelievably painful situation. It feels like I cannot go through one more day, yet I feel empowered knowing that so many of you have gone through much worse and came out of it stronger.
My situation is different from the ones I read here in a lot of ways. I am not married and have no children. I have only been with my partner for 6 months. You'd think it would be easier. I found out he cheated on me with his best friend a month ago. He went to her house after we fought, and he got intimate with her for comfort. He confessed to it a week later, which made me furious and devastated. I told him I wasn't sure I still wanted to be with him, yet I knew I was still very much in love. The news crushed him, and everything went downhill from there. His dark thoughts had been doing a lot better for a while, but the whole situation made him spiral out of control. He couldn't cope with losing me. I could not even focus on healing, figuring out what I wanted or being honest with him, because I was constantly worrying he would kill himself. I finally ended up breaking up, which was another terrible moment of crisis.
Now for the worst part : when I found out he cheated on me, we were three weeks prior to leaving together for the whole summer, to work a job 10 hours away from our home. We had been dreaming of it for months. I was going through so much that cancelling the whole thing seemed equally terrifying, so we went anyway.
Now, here I am : in absolute agony. I have to see him everyday at work and pretend we are just normal friends in front of everyone. I'm in the most beautiful place but I fear going out of the house because I don't want to stumble upon him in this small town. Thankfully he has finally understood how profoundly he has damaged me and respects my boundaries. But it's too late. I feel traumatized and having to be around him causes me horrible anxiety. This was supposed to be a wonderful summer doing the job I love the most, and now it just feels like a nightmare I cannot escape from.
I know how this story sounds : he is toxic and manipulative, and I'm naive and blinded by love. I hope with all my heart you girls can understand, because you know how people are quick to judge, and you have seen broken partners transform after causing a lot of harm. I see he has already worked hard on himself to stop causing me more pain and he is putting my healing as his top priority. But I think I just need a break from him. He has hurt me too much, even though part of me still has feelings for him. What an idiot he has been to screw up everything just before our trip.
To be honest, I really wish we could work this out and stay together. I felt our relationship had potential. You have all also been through this hell - having to remain close to someone who has wrecked you in unimaginable ways, pretending everything is fine in front of others, having no one to talk to, and feeling like you have no space to heal. How have you done it? Is my situation similar to yours, or am I just fooling myself?
26 years of marriage, for about the last 8 years I have suspected infidelity. Found out from the horses mouth (one of the other women) he has been having an affair. I am honestly broken and in the worst pain imaginable. He wants to stay and is making all the promises but I believe he is a serial cheater and will never change. The only time I have ever felt like this is when my dad died, sheer grief. I feel like my whole life is a joke. Everyday pretending everything is normal while playing her words over in head. Everyone asking if I am ok as I don’t seem myself. I am not myself, I don’t know who I am! Who I thought I was would not let this happen to her! And here I am! Pathetic.
I am 6 months since discovering my husbands affair. He ( 60) hired her (26) for a job at the company he works for. She is married with a baby (1 yr old) and with in 2 months they were in an emotional affair that led to oral sex. My son (also 26) heard them on the phone one night and asked his dad who he was talking to. I was away and my husband said he was talking to me. My son knew he wasn’t talking to me and so the next day he called me and told me what he had heard. I came home unexpectedly, took his phone, asked for the passcode and read all the texts. I was SHOCKED, disgusted, sick…..if I hadn’t read these texts for myself, I wouldn’t have believed it!
My husband has been a good man, provider and father ( more to our daughter than son) My whole world is a mess now. I go from raging to trying to forgive and move forward. I hate her and blame her for coming on to him ( from the ridiculous texts, pictures etc). We are both in counseling on our own and I am on antidepressants. I am trying not to drink too much but it’s been a coping mechanism the past few months. I know I need to make changes in myself and I am working hard to do so. We are not telling our daughter who just graduated from college 2 weeks ago. I feel like I’m losing my mind and grip on life but put on a fake mask to keep it from friends and family.
I want to stay married and move past this, but I still can’t fully trust him ( or her). They ended things as soon as I found out but they still work together and she texts him when he is at home with stupid questions…..I feel to keep his attention. She is now getting a divorce and I feel like her drama will only intensify. My husband is so ashamed, and depressed and can’t seem to make things right yet. It’s been such an awful 6 months and I fear this one reckless mistake of his will ruin our 32 year marriage. I’m scared of that, I don’t want to be alone and I do still love him.I just don’t know how we can move through this….I am reading so many stories on this site and know I am NOT alone. I just wanted to thank you all for sharing and I wanted to add my story to this page as a way to get it out to those of you who clearly “get it”.
One month ago my husband came to me and admitted that he had “flirted with” and “kissed” a coworker in 2009-2010. I should add that this woman was more than a coworker, he inserted her into our life, he introduced her to me, she was a family friend. Her sister was our realtor when we bought our first home in 2016. He said he ended it but shortly afterwards started watching porn and masturbating to fulfill his urges so he didn’t cheat again. He said he stopped doing it cold turkey about 5 years ago. He covered it up and lied about all of it for 13 years. We were married is 2005, our 18th anniversary is this September. He cheated while I was pregnant and, for a while, shortly after I gave birth to our first child.
I’m still in shock. I truly never suspected a thing. I trusted this man without any reservation, ever. Now I feel like I’m a fool. We are both devout members of our faith (at least I thought so) and this behavior undermines everything we believe in and preach to others and teach our children. I entwined my life so completely with his, we were a true partnership working toward common goals, I made sacrifices for our family’s better good (so did he to be fair). I literally feel like my whole life has been flipped upside down, I can’t recognize any of it anymore. It was all based on deceit. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if I love him or not. I don’t even feel many feelings at all right now, I can’t even cry, I’m numb. I feel literally sick. I feel small.
I can’t just up and leave. I have 2 children at home. I can’t just freak out and uproot them, or tell them anything. They deserve to be protected from this. They have a great life. I have to put on a happy face and put on the perfect family show for everyone else too. Because I can’t just blab it out to everyone. I don’t need a bunch of uneducated random input from all over. It’s tiring though.
I have a similar situation here, only I found out a year ago this week. Co-worker, family friend, etc. Husband still works with her. It is awful and she is awful If your husband is remorseful maybe you can work it out. But I feel your pain, feel your betrayal. The trauma of this is real and it is important to find someone that can help you work through this pain and the shock of it. Because it is truly a shock, to mind and body, to be betrayed by this. Remember: this is not your fault. These were the actions of adults who made a series of choices that were wrong.
Elle, I have a question. Is there an email associated with this website? I have written my story, and it took awhile. I think it’s more than I can fit in a comment on here. And this is one of the only places I can publish it anonymously. I just wondered if I could send it to you in an email and if you were okay with it, you could just make it a post. It felt so good to write it out. I didn’t know if it might help someone else, as so many of these stories and comments have helped me. Thank you😊
Lots of people just divide up their story into parts (part 1, part 2, etc.) and then publish them that way. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found this site. It can feel good, I think, to share your story with women who know your pain. It can also help others going through the same thing to know they're not alone.
I am so glad I found this site. I honestly don’t know who to talk to. My fiancé and I met 2 years ago. He proposed a year after we met. We have a baby girl who was born in January (7 months). I own a home and we live here. We get along well. The root of our arguments always take place when he’s under the influence. He can get verbally abusive at times or just mean. He typically talk about it the next day and move on. We got into a heated argument today and he said some mean things (he was under the influence again). He’s never cheated nor given me the reason to believe he has, but something in my gut told me to check his phone. The phone was clean but right before I put it back I decided to check his deleted pictures. In there I found a video dated 3 weeks ago. He went to a massage parlor and had sex with a masseuse. I sent the video to myself and woke him up. When asked if he has had sex with anyone, he said no. I them played the video for him. He opened his eyes and said “you went through my phone?!” I asked him to leave the house. He agreed and did leave but then came back. He asked to stay in the other room, then apologized. He apologized some more but I just couldn’t take him serious since his voice still sounded some what drunk. This went on for hours. He kept apologizing and did sound sincere. He said it only happened once and it was because he needed to feel like he still got it? He said when I deny him, it hurts his ego. He didn’t put blame on me and agreed that was stupid of him to do. The crazy thing is that a male friend of mine sat on my lap over a year ago. My fiancé broke up with me because of it. I begged him to stay. But here we are, he actually had sex with a random hoe, and is begging for our family to work through this?! I will say that it’s tough because a part of me wants to work through this. It wasn’t am emotional attachment to this lady, but the other part of me is like, walk away and compare my. He’s a great dad and a great partner (when sober) but he broke my trust. To top it off, we are getting married in Mexico. We just sent out wedding invitations and due to be married February 2024. My parents have paid over $20,000 and we have paid a big chunk too. So many people have bought flight tickets. I feel like the underlying problem is alcohol. With us being so social, I don’t know that he/we can stop drinking. Especially is a Hispanic culture. I am sad for my baby. I want her to have 2 parents as I was raised.
(Part 1) Hello everyone. Me and Boyfriend were very happy together while we dating and I never suspected he was the type to cheat. I did my best to communicate openly and honestly, he was always receptive to it and would reassure me. I did notice that he never really brought up his own feelings and emotions when we did communicate. He had been in a couple toxic relationship prior to me, really bad stuff like she would threaten to hurt herself of him if he said they wanted to break up and they were always fighting. So I didn't expect him to open up right away but it did kind of bother me but i was patient and understanding.
(part 2) About a week before we broke up he seemed a little distant. Not with his affection or words but just something seemed... off. 4 days before we broke up I had woken up to him saying he was going to hang out with a friend and that he would message me when he was home and free to see me. I was a little hurt since the night before we had made plans to see each other that morning but we hadn't set a time or anything. I also had no reason to doubt him at this point and didn't question who he was seeing since he was such an outgoing guy and I barely knew all his friends. However I never heard from him for the rest of the day. It was at 8pm that he finally responded to me and said he had fallen asleep. I expressed my hurt at being ignored and treated like an after thought. We communicated about it and i felt better about things, however he never mentioned who he had seen that day. I stayed at his house the next few days and things seemed better. We were having a great time. On Sunday my mom called me over to help her clean the spare room and we had been up all night so my ex boyfriend was still sleeping when i had to go. I asked if he wanted to come but he said no very sleepily. I went to my moms and about an hour later I get a message from him about him going for a walk with a friend and that he might not be home for a bit. I knew better this time and asked who the friend was and he said her name. Now he didn't know I knew his ex's name since he never talked about them but my best friend is dating his (my ex boyfriends) best friend and she had told me a bit about her. Now i asked him if that was his ex and he said yes. I didn't respond for awhile but i did want to communicate about this and so i went to see him. It was very difficult to get him to talk this time but i never backed down and eventually he admitted that he missed her and that was wasn't sure what to do. I asked if he wanted to still be with me and he nodded. He said he was scared to be in a relationship since they always ended terribly even if they lasted a long time. I was content with a nod to something as big as us staying together so i re asked and he said he wasn't sure. We did break up that night and I found out a week later that he had been seeing her again.
(Part 3) We talked on and off as I tried to figure out what he was doing with me. He didn't want me out of his life but was seeing her so I was very confused. We went no contact for a week and after that he reached out. He said he wanted to talk. He told me he felt terrible for hurting me and that he was no longer seeing her. He said i was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he didn't want us to be strangers, perhaps friends. I said we could try but there is a part of me that is always going to be hoping we end up back together so we could be on friendly terms but shouldn't be alone or hang out and he agreed. It was very awkward and it didn't go too well at first but it was getting easier. Until a couple days into our 'friendship" one night we ended up flirting with each other by accident. I explained we can't let this happen because this is not what friends do. I can't be intimate with a person I am not dating and you said you weren't ready to be in a relationship. It was then he revealed he had been hoping for a future with me again. He wanted us to be happy again. I said that would be nice... but neither one of us is ready for that since I haven't forgiven him for hurting me and cheating on me. He isn't ready either since he is the type to run away from his emotions and is terrible at communicating. I said I would like to but we have make sure we aren't chasing memories but making a future and we have a lot work to do. He agreed and said he knew but this is what he wanted. Now I am struggling with what to do because i at first was very happy but as the days have gone on i am worried he won't be able to put in the work. However just last night he opened up to me about he wants to get back together and be happy again but feels he doesn't deserve to be happy. He opened up about his feelings and truama. He said he wasn't used to having someone in his life want to be a safe space and actually want to communicate with him. This gives me hope that he actually is and wants to change so that he can be with me again. I however am really struggling with believing and trusting him. How can I learn to trust again?
Part 1:::I am a 27 year old married female.. i hve been married for about 17 months. I have a 7 month bby boy.. after i gave birth in February i was at my hometown beginning of April i came back to my martial home. Things were just not working out with my husband.. He was so busy😏, he was helping this or that person out with this r that but it was always just me and the baby at home.. Time went by i still feel the disconnect we carried on as if nothing was wrong but the gap was so much so that a blind man could see it. So we had a conversation and we had a heart t heart i asked hi are you cheating on me he said no. My heart said he is lying.. so i went through his phone juat now in August and what i found was worse that what i thought.. This guy has been cheating on me since the day we met, started dating, when we boe up, we were back with each other, when we got engaged, when we got married and just now when we had a baby. He was texting calling girls asking when are they going to meet up. He was calling his ex's talking about how much he missed them, video called them , took them out to dates, he even took one of his ex's to our wedding venue. He told one of his exs he got an erection when she reminded him about them being intimate and that too in a car.. He told the one he took to our venue that He loved her 10 days before we got married. He told his other ex that there is not woman he has loved more than her. He has kept their pictures so he can show his kids and be like this was supposed to be your mother (3 months before we got married) he kept that picture i found it in his things last month. He was either dating or sleeping with one of our neighbors a girl i thought was his friend. He had girls he was asking out i think at least 5 girls, he had girls he was calling Wifey at least 5 at most 10, he had his ex's on the side. He would cll these women, text them, go out on dates with them all this behind.. Just last year December we went on pregnancy photoshoot the next morning he went to tke a girl out.. when i look through he even went out with that girl when our son was in hospital, gave her about 1300 rands he said they are poor t her house..
Part2::: i confronted him on the 10th August and he apologized i forgve ever since i forgave no i think he thought i was saying i am over it. He wants to touch me, kiss me and even be intimate he was like i need us to be intimate i know you are not oky but i need us to be intimate please try because i feel like if we are not it wil cause more problems .. i do not feel lik he i remorseful or even considerte of my feelings, the struggle, intimacy is the last thing on my mind. I need to see that he really cares and he is ding his best just to win me back..i told him i need him to start all over even this wedding is null and void.. we need to g see a therapist we need to work we wil get to sex but now we need to put in the work.. i am afraid what if he goes out for sex or what if this playing hard to get will ruin everything but at rhe same time i am afraid that if we get intimate he Will not see aythung wrong he will stop putting in the work he will just act as if everything is okay.my heart has been broken, my trust, i do not even know what to do anymore.. the pain is just too much..i cannot wait for our first session with a therapist because wow i need help.. i see my life without him but the way our son adores him.. i no longer want his surname i just want my surname because i also feel like since this guy is not showing remorse chances he will repeat this again.. please help
Found out last night my boyfriend has been talking to and trying to sleep with a woman he works with. I guess a little back story our relationship has been hard from the beginning. We started out as a not so normal couple but overall had an amazing relationship. We’ve always been open with each other and one of the things we always promised was if we ever felt some type of way about anyone even just a crush we would tell each other to avoid cheating or possibly pursuing the other relationship and not waste each others time. I’ve always had trust issues(horrible past relationships) but even with that I never thought he’d cheat on me. We've been together almost 3 years and had our child 6 months ago. It’s been a blessing but also very stressful on our relationship. We decided when our child was born I would stay at home and he would work because child care is very expensive and I don’t trust anyone. We have been arguing a lot since he’s been born but we kept telling each other we want to stay together and we love each other. I have been trying really hard lately to work on our relationship and I thought we were doing better but turns out I’ve been the only one trying. How I found out was I was handing him his phone and happened to see a text saying “you’re my favorite person here” from someone with a man’s name which confused me but I handed him his phone and asked who it was. He lied and said it was someone at work he didn’t really like and I replied with well they seem to like you. I asked to see his phone again and he told me no and asked if we could go our room and talk alone (we have a roommate). So we did and from that alone I knew it was bad. Turns out it’s a woman from his work that he has been texting for over a month. According to him nothing physical has happened but the texts I read he was trying to have sex with her on multiple occasions at work and saying other stuff like “wanting to get to know her more and waiting for her since she’s not ready for a relationship”. He said it started as a joke (which I don’t understand) and said it just progressed from there. He said all they do is text and flirt but he also said he isn’t in love with me anymore and has feelings for her but he wants to work on us and doesn’t want to throw what we have away. I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to trust him now? How can I believe he won’t continue this relationship with this woman at work? I thought I felt trapped before but it’s even worse now. I don’t even know if anyone will see this but idk what to do. I can’t stop crying and I can’t sleep. I love him so much even with this betrayal and I want to be with him and I feel stupid. I don’t know how to make it work. I don’t even know if I can. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
My D-day was a year ago this week. My husband had an emotional affair plus some serious kissing with a woman who 1. was a mutual friend and 2. someone he works with and continues to work with to this day. This person was at my home repeatedly over the years and we even threw ourselves a joint birthday party one year. Turns out she'd been in love with my husband for some time. Pursued him under the guise of "friendship" and he allowed boundaries to slip and blur. Then they crossed them. I found out when she texted him, saying, "I think I'm addicted to you." Husband has worked hard to make amends, etc. She never apologized or showed remorse. Just the opposite. I hate the whole situation--which took a while to unravel and dissolve. I still hate it. Mostly, things are better. But some days, I just hate the whole thing and still get triggered sometimes. The betrayal--being at my home for my birthday party, my son's graduation--all while she had her eye on my husband--makes me ill, as does his involvement. She actually used her friend's illness to try to get my husband to see her...and I could go on and on. But I won't. Thanks for this site. It's good to know others out there understand.
Before I share my very recent story I just want to say how much my heart is breaking reading the stories of all these other women who are hurting and broken just as much as I am. This is a great blog for letting all of us vent our frustrations and look for advice when we feel like we have no where else to go and for that I am very thankful, so thank you Elle.
Here’s my story: a week ago early Friday morning (10/6) after a long night of drinking and having fun with our friends I took one of my 2 girl friends home, my husband was supposed to take the other one home (his coworker) and when I get back home I catch him banging this coworker in my bed. Bach story: These 2 friends are both females, both married, one is married to a female and the other is married to a male and my husbands coworker. We started off the night at the bar by our house, both of these girlfriends’ spouses were there but both parties went home well before closing time bc they had work in the morning. So closing time comes around and my 2 friends want to keep the party going at our house. We’d been having a really good night, lots of fun, and they’ve both come over multiple times before so of course I said yeah, we can play card games and hang out for a couple more hours. So my husband drives us all to our home which is only a few blocks away and we start playing some drinking card games. A few minutes after we get home another one of our couple friends comes over for a little bit too. We’re having lots of fun, my husband starts drinking quite a bit, doing beer bongs and taking shots. I took a shot with one of my friends and had another beer while we were playing card games. So fast forward a couple hours later the couple that came over goes home bc the wife was definitely ready for bed and pretty slammed at this point. So her husband carries her out and takes her home. About 30 min later my friend who’s married to the female says she really needs to go home and her wife is going to be so mad so I said I would take her home. My husband offered to take her but I said no, you’ve been drinking way too much and I don’t want you driving across town right now. So I suggested he take his coworker home bc she only lives a mile away and he can get to her house without getting on any major roads so he agrees. My friend and I go to leave and we left my husband and his coworker still sitting on my couch. It takes me 25 min to drive from my house to my friends and then back home. I get home and see the garage door is still open and his truck is in the driveway so I’m thinking awesome he took her home and he’s waiting on me so we can have some fun time in the bedroom. I walk through my garage, open the door to my laundry room, cross through the kitchen, put my stuff down on my table and turn my should to my right and see him standing on the end of my bed fully nude with his coworker laying in MY bed on her back and him balls deep inside her. I screamed “OH MY F***ING GOD” and ran out the door. The rest of the story I’m still living right now but luckily I was able to get ahold of one of his male coworkers to come pick me up and get me out of there and then my best friend who lives 3 hours away drove and picked me up later that afternoon. I spent the whole weekend with her and came back home Monday evening.
And now I’m living in this life of regret, sadness, betrayal, hurt, pain, anger, so many emotions. So much feeling. I was blindsided. Completely blindsided. I never in a million years saw this happening to me. So now I’m questioning everything he’s ever said. Everything. I know he regrets it, I know he has remorse. I know he wishes he could turn back time and take it all back. What’s crazy to me is that she approached him. He said he went into our bathroom to pee and then he was going to take her home. When he rounded the corner she came into our room completely nude (except her bra was still on) reached down and grabbed him and pulled his pants down. She backed him up against our bed and started sucking him. Then after that she pushed him back and started riding him. The mental images are just eating me alive. What I saw was already bad enough but then having to picture all that too in MY marriage bed?! It’s too much. And at some point he flipped her over and put her on her back. My biggest roadblock right now is coming to terms with the why didn’t he stop her. Why didn’t he push her back or punch her in the face and ask her wtf are you doing get the heck out of my house and don’t touch me. But he didn’t. He let her do that and he never stopped her. And I am so broken. So completely heart broken. He ruined my bed, he ruined my house, he ruined my whole world. And I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8.5 years, married for 3. This is too early on in this marriage for him to do this to me. He says I’m his world, his everything, he can’t live without me. I’ve been crying my eyes out all day and now we’re on the road to my hometown to see my family bc I had this trip planned for months and they don’t know. So now I have to put a smile on my face and act like everything is ok when I’m breaking down inside. They have no idea, I’ve only told a few of my really close friends, but not a single person in my family. This is going to be so hard and I don’t know what to do. This isn’t the first time he’s hurt me and broken my trust, but I forgave him for what he did and we moved past it, and it wasn’t anything this bad and it wasn’t during our marriage. He ruined my sanctity in this marriage, my monogamy. Adultery has plagued me my whole life, it’s what caused my parents divorce, and he knows how much it hurts me and has haunted my past and always promised he would never ever do this to me. And yet I caught him in the worst way possible. Just come on dude you knew I was coming back home. I was gone for 25 min….how in those 25 min did you not think of me while you’re surrounded by my things, my pictures, in our room? I just don’t get it. I’m just broken and need some enlightenment and some help. Thanks for reading my story, it was a long one.
So it's been a few months but my fiance cheated on me with an ex went and saw her a few times says his heart never cheated he did it to get her to cosign on a loan so she would be stuck with the payments and see he sees I cheated as I talked to this guy I called my best friend and told him I was sure my daughter was my best friends bc I wasn't completely honest with him of who he was and I never saw him in person only texted and he actually went and seen her in person and that still hurts me to this day and idk how to move past it we want to be together and get married but I got to move past this first I was always cheated on my whole life and it hurt especially when I was madly in love with him and I still am and I want to put it past us so we can get us back
It’s been two days since I finally asked “who the fuck are you always chatting with on Snapchat”. His initial response, a girl he knew I was already jealous of from a decade ago. He didn’t want me to find out they talked and flirted (“nothing more”) because I would be mad. That was a lie. It took a lot of tears and yelling that night for the real truth to come out. My husband is bisexual and has been sexting men he finds online for years. We’ve been together for 10, married for 2. It started before we were married. Allegedly it was just messages, never anything physical. I just don’t know what to believe at this point, has our whole relationship been a lie? We were happy. I was happy. But it was fake, maybe not all of it but I’m having trouble looking at memories and not thinking “he was deceiving me in this joyous moment”. I’m so very sad and so stuck. I can’t leave the house, I can’t move, I can’t let him leave. I’m just so stuck.
I don't even know where to start. I have been married for only a year and a couple months now and I feel so silly and ridiculous even coming here to share my story. But here goes... I found out about the first women only a couple months into our relationship, I went through his phone while he was in the shower because I just felt off. Something wasn't sitting right with me and as soon as I opened his phone there the messages were. I asked him about it and of course he pleaded and convinced me that nothing happened but once again something wasn't right. So I messaged the person he was texting and I asked her straight up to be honest and tell me what happened. And she said he was very inappropriate, touching on her and kissing on her. I thought my heart would fall out my chest. I confronted him about it and he denied it at first but then told the truth. I was still hurt but I thought to myself well at least nothing went further then that. But that was just the first incident. The second was a "friend" that he said he knew for a long time and was like family so he asked if it would be ok if he went to visit her and he would call me when he got there and let me know when he's leaving and reassure me that nothing was gonna happen and I feel so stupid saying it but he came home and he kissed me and all I smelled was her scent on his mustache and it sent chills down my back because I knew he cheated again. I confronted him again and again and he lied until he decided to tell the truth. He told me he went down on her and then left.... I should have left him then right?..... I didn't. The third time was 6 months into our relationship he was working at a dispensary and he would often times make home deliveries well this time in particular he left the house again and said he was going to drop some things off and he will be back. I called him maybe an hour later and I genuinely just needed to ask him a question about something but when he answered he sounded out of breath and like it was some kind of echo in the background like he was in a bathroom or something and I immediately became suspicious so I questioned him and once again he lied. Later he told me he was about to have intercourse with her but I called and that was the reason he left. At this point it had been 3 women that he cheated with and I was stuck on stupid and probably still living in a fantasy world but I still didn't leave. The fourth time I was working overnight and he had intercourse with a yoga instructor at her studio . I found out about her after I went through his phone again and he was sending explicit messages. He admitted he did have intercourse with her. And that really hurt me to the core. The fifth time he was dropping off something and ended up having intercourse with one of the patients that visited the dispensary. Now I said all of that and I am literally numb to everything around me. Everything triggers me and sets me off. I'm so angry and hurt I don't even know how to live in this world anymore. I am still with him and I want to leave but he has been doing everything that I asked him to do. I have the passwords to all his social media, to his phone, his email, I have the location on his phone, but I am still hurting and it's like he wants me to be healed and not bring it up but it has only been 11 months since he last cheated and everyday I constantly worry about him cheating. Everytime I see him talking to another women it triggers me, when I hear about yoga it triggers me, when I hear certain names it triggers me. those 5 names are buried in my head and it's driving me insane. And today I feel like I'm ready to be free and live my life and heal but I also love my husband and my family. I don't know what to do. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone so I walk around with this smile but really inside I am literally dying. I sleep next to him every night and I don't think I'm here anymore. This feels like a dream that I can't wake up from.
If I were you, I'd make sure that I have a separate bank account. Consult a lawyer--find out what your options are. Tell one trusted person in your life. Find a good, trauma-informed therapist. Take care of yourself and try not to consider him while you handle your own business.
D-Day was a day before Thanksgiving but I didn't confront him until December 18th, when I had a break and could breathe. I just wanted to get through the holidays with our adult children. The details are ugly and my informant is from the opposite coast, where my husband had been living and working for a year. I'm still numb.
So I've been married to my husband for 13 years and we dated 3 before that. We don't have any kids but we've been talking about it. When covid happened he was one that had to go remote while my job is impossible to do remote so I was out of the house for most of the time. I was working long hours and when I got home I was exhausted, so our communication and connectivity suffered greatly. About a year ago he confessed that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and that he'd been severely depressed but didn't want to hurt me. We decided to start couples therapy and individual therapy. There was about a 3 month gap where we were in a limbo before we started therapy and werent sure what was going to happen. We've been going to therapy for about 8 months now and everything has been improving. We've gotten back on the same page and communicating more. This morning I woke up to him having a panic attack and saying he needed to confess something. He told me that in those few months before we started therapy he had cheated on me with a friend of his on a business trip. I know this is all new but he was crying and telling me he made a mistake. I asked him if it was the only person and he said yes and that the guilt has been eating him up about it. He had stopped all communication with her after we started therapy. Or so he says. It was a friend he met over Xbox and I have noticed that he hasn't spoken or talked to her in a while. My trust was still on the mend from him hiding his depression/feelings from me for so long before. I'm at a loss now, I do love him which is why I fought so hard so help fix our relationship before. I want to trust him, he seemed so genuine in his confession but I don't know if I'm just being naive. He's still willing to go to therapy and we'll be taking about it in our next session but I just wanted to air my hurt.
I would like to come back to share my full story (when I can type from my computer). But for tonight, I’m struggling with the feeling that I want some of our mutual connections to know what he did, which was serial betrayal with multiple women. He gets to be in this community as a seemingly upstanding guy, while I’m in agony from the pain and knowledge of what he’s done. It wasn’t the first time. We have separated (and will not be reconciling). I cannot even begin to think about being with anyone else (my heart needs a lot more healing first), yet he’s out there actively dating. My question is - is it ok for me to tell some people who know us both? I wouldn’t blast it on social media, but can I share it with some mutual connections, and if so, how? He’s well-known (we were a well-known couple) and he is seen by many as the golden boy in our community. It’s agonizing to feel isolated in this knowledge. I’d love to hear thoughts on this. Thank you!
Be careful. Select, perhaps, one trusted friend, someone who will believe you. This can backfire. I understand your dilemma. The ow who pursued my husband and, when he put the stop on things (they had an emotional affair at work, though she was a mutual "friend") is so untrustworthy that there was a sense that she'd retaliate if we told her (now ex) husband, etc--and yet many people still think she's this great person. It's an act. Try, maybe, with a friend or family member who doesn't live in town. But get your affairs (money, etc) in order first. It is also helpful to remember this: other people's transgressions and secrets are not your burden to bear. Figure out what will work for you and how, then go ahead. Tell someone. You might be doing a service.
Here's a fresh page, sisters. Let it all out ...
ReplyDeleteI recently found out that I am the OW. I was friends with the guy from school, and even though he was in a relationship, he hardcore pursued me. He drunkenly called me and admitted that he liked me, before soberly admitting it a few months later. He and his gf decided to go on a break, and I made absolutely sure that it was okay that they see other people before the two of us went out or did anything. I was extremely clear on that. We hooked up once. Whenever we made plans to see each other over the course of the next few months he would cancel, saying that he had to work or making up other excuses. About two months ago I found that he was still commenting on his (ex)gf's social media posts, and I instantly got a bad gut feeling, but didn't confront him about it because I didn't want to seem crazy. Shortly after that he called me crying because they had officially broken up. Since we were friends first I have really tried my best to be there for him and support him. But the more he has opened up to me about their relationship, the more I have realized that he lied to me the entire time we were seeing each other and that they may not have really been on a break. He's trying to rebuild a relationship with her (friendship or getting back together, he just keeps saying "let's see where things go"), and relies on me to talk things through and be his support. It has come to a point where I don't know how to be his friend and support him because of how he has betrayed me and how much he has hurt me. We have talked a little bit about it and he knows how hard it is for me to be there for him in this situation, but I don't think he fully understands the depth of hurt that I feel from his actions. I don't really want to cut him out of my life, but I also don't know how to proceed or even attempt to heal things.
DeleteI found out five years ago I was married to a donkey who was and is a cheater and treated me like a joke the entire time. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would be gone and I mean that. Porn, cam girls, real girls, just gross. Why do I stay? I’ve been with him since I was 21 (now 54). I can’t fathom life in my own and if I leave life will be harder financially and emotionally in many ways. I’m too tired to deal with it. I do not ever want to remarry or even date again. I see no benefit in it because I like my own space and can’t imagine having another man in my bed, nude to top it all off, lol. No thanks. I’ve been in therapy for years and on antidepressants but in the end I think it’s situational depression because I just can’t shake it for long. We have two kids and the last one is just getting ready to launch so I have no real excuse on that front. I don’t care who or what he does anymore and we can agree that his “needs” are best met by a professional 🙄 I wish I could put the rose colored glasses back on but it’s like trying to believe in Santa again. I wish the pain (in my ass) would go away for good. I just have to realize that I am choosing this over uncertainty and because at 54 I have so much shared history with this joke I can’t ever be free of him. Not really. Sorry but I’m just tired and hurting in my heart tonight, and embarrassed that my happily ever after is in reality a 30-years walk of shame. And to think he haunted me over every dime I spent while paying those girls to “talk” to him. I have zero respect for him, or, apparently since I’m still with this Don Draper wannabe, myself. Sorry for the rant, but I need to vent.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. x
DeleteI’m so sorry, I have also been in a 30+ year marriage and am 6 months since Dday. I totally get that you don’t want to start over with anyone and that the future at our ages is scary financially and alone. I feel your sadness, depression and heartache. You are not alone…..I’m so grateful I found this site.
DeleteDear Elle, I cannot thank you enough for your website and the space you are giving us to share our story. Reading your posts is the only thing that makes me feel understood in an unbelievably painful situation. It feels like I cannot go through one more day, yet I feel empowered knowing that so many of you have gone through much worse and came out of it stronger.
ReplyDeleteMy situation is different from the ones I read here in a lot of ways. I am not married and have no children. I have only been with my partner for 6 months. You'd think it would be easier. I found out he cheated on me with his best friend a month ago. He went to her house after we fought, and he got intimate with her for comfort. He confessed to it a week later, which made me furious and devastated. I told him I wasn't sure I still wanted to be with him, yet I knew I was still very much in love. The news crushed him, and everything went downhill from there. His dark thoughts had been doing a lot better for a while, but the whole situation made him spiral out of control. He couldn't cope with losing me. I could not even focus on healing, figuring out what I wanted or being honest with him, because I was constantly worrying he would kill himself. I finally ended up breaking up, which was another terrible moment of crisis.
Now for the worst part : when I found out he cheated on me, we were three weeks prior to leaving together for the whole summer, to work a job 10 hours away from our home. We had been dreaming of it for months. I was going through so much that cancelling the whole thing seemed equally terrifying, so we went anyway.
Now, here I am : in absolute agony. I have to see him everyday at work and pretend we are just normal friends in front of everyone. I'm in the most beautiful place but I fear going out of the house because I don't want to stumble upon him in this small town. Thankfully he has finally understood how profoundly he has damaged me and respects my boundaries. But it's too late. I feel traumatized and having to be around him causes me horrible anxiety. This was supposed to be a wonderful summer doing the job I love the most, and now it just feels like a nightmare I cannot escape from.
I know how this story sounds : he is toxic and manipulative, and I'm naive and blinded by love. I hope with all my heart you girls can understand, because you know how people are quick to judge, and you have seen broken partners transform after causing a lot of harm. I see he has already worked hard on himself to stop causing me more pain and he is putting my healing as his top priority. But I think I just need a break from him. He has hurt me too much, even though part of me still has feelings for him. What an idiot he has been to screw up everything just before our trip.
To be honest, I really wish we could work this out and stay together. I felt our relationship had potential. You have all also been through this hell - having to remain close to someone who has wrecked you in unimaginable ways, pretending everything is fine in front of others, having no one to talk to, and feeling like you have no space to heal. How have you done it? Is my situation similar to yours, or am I just fooling myself?
26 years of marriage, for about the last 8 years I have suspected infidelity. Found out from the horses mouth (one of the other women) he has been having an affair. I am honestly broken and in the worst pain imaginable. He wants to stay and is making all the promises but I believe he is a serial cheater and will never change. The only time I have ever felt like this is when my dad died, sheer grief. I feel like my whole life is a joke. Everyday pretending everything is normal while playing her words over in head. Everyone asking if I am ok as I don’t seem myself. I am not myself, I don’t know who I am! Who I thought I was would not let this happen to her! And here I am! Pathetic.
ReplyDeleteI am 6 months since discovering my husbands affair. He ( 60) hired her (26) for a job at the company he works for. She is married with a baby (1 yr old) and with in 2 months they were in an emotional affair that led to oral sex. My son (also 26) heard them on the phone one night and asked his dad who he was talking to. I was away and my husband said he was talking to me. My son knew he wasn’t talking to me and so the next day he called me and told me what he had heard. I came home unexpectedly, took his phone, asked for the passcode and read all the texts. I was SHOCKED, disgusted, sick…..if I hadn’t read these texts for myself, I wouldn’t have believed it!
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been a good man, provider and father ( more to our daughter than son) My whole world is a mess now. I go from raging to trying to forgive and move forward. I hate her and blame her for coming on to him ( from the ridiculous texts, pictures etc). We are both in counseling on our own and I am on antidepressants. I am trying not to drink too much but it’s been a coping mechanism the past few months. I know I need to make changes in myself and I am working hard to do so. We are not telling our daughter who just graduated from college 2 weeks ago. I feel like I’m losing my mind and grip on life but put on a fake mask to keep it from friends and family.
I want to stay married and move past this, but I still can’t fully trust him ( or her). They ended things as soon as I found out but they still work together and she texts him when he is at home with stupid questions…..I feel to keep his attention. She is now getting a divorce and I feel like her drama will only intensify. My husband is so ashamed, and depressed and can’t seem to make things right yet. It’s been such an awful 6 months and I fear this one reckless mistake of his will ruin our 32 year marriage. I’m scared of that, I don’t want to be alone and I do still love him.I just don’t know how we can move through this….I am reading so many stories on this site and know I am NOT alone. I just wanted to thank you all for sharing and I wanted to add my story to this page as a way to get it out to those of you who clearly “get it”.
One month ago my husband came to me and admitted that he had “flirted with” and “kissed” a coworker in 2009-2010. I should add that this woman was more than a coworker, he inserted her into our life, he introduced her to me, she was a family friend. Her sister was our realtor when we bought our first home in 2016. He said he ended it but shortly afterwards started watching porn and masturbating to fulfill his urges so he didn’t cheat again. He said he stopped doing it cold turkey about 5 years ago. He covered it up and lied about all of it for 13 years. We were married is 2005, our 18th anniversary is this September. He cheated while I was pregnant and, for a while, shortly after I gave birth to our first child.
ReplyDeleteI’m still in shock. I truly never suspected a thing. I trusted this man without any reservation, ever. Now I feel like I’m a fool. We are both devout members of our faith (at least I thought so) and this behavior undermines everything we believe in and preach to others and teach our children. I entwined my life so completely with his, we were a true partnership working toward common goals, I made sacrifices for our family’s better good (so did he to be fair). I literally feel like my whole life has been flipped upside down, I can’t recognize any of it anymore. It was all based on deceit. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if I love him or not. I don’t even feel many feelings at all right now, I can’t even cry, I’m numb. I feel literally sick. I feel small.
I can’t just up and leave. I have 2 children at home. I can’t just freak out and uproot them, or tell them anything. They deserve to be protected from this. They have a great life. I have to put on a happy face and put on the perfect family show for everyone else too. Because I can’t just blab it out to everyone. I don’t need a bunch of uneducated random input from all over. It’s tiring though.
Thanks for reading or commenting.
I have a similar situation here, only I found out a year ago this week. Co-worker, family friend, etc. Husband still works with her. It is awful and she is awful If your husband is remorseful maybe you can work it out. But I feel your pain, feel your betrayal. The trauma of this is real and it is important to find someone that can help you work through this pain and the shock of it. Because it is truly a shock, to mind and body, to be betrayed by this. Remember: this is not your fault. These were the actions of adults who made a series of choices that were wrong.
DeleteElle, I have a question. Is there an email associated with this website? I have written my story, and it took awhile. I think it’s more than I can fit in a comment on here. And this is one of the only places I can publish it anonymously. I just wondered if I could send it to you in an email and if you were okay with it, you could just make it a post. It felt so good to write it out. I didn’t know if it might help someone else, as so many of these stories and comments have helped me. Thank you😊
ReplyDeleteLots of people just divide up their story into parts (part 1, part 2, etc.) and then publish them that way. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found this site. It can feel good, I think, to share your story with women who know your pain. It can also help others going through the same thing to know they're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this site. I honestly don’t know who to talk to. My fiancé and I met 2 years ago. He proposed a year after we met. We have a baby girl who was born in January (7 months). I own a home and we live here. We get along well. The root of our arguments always take place when he’s under the influence. He can get verbally abusive at times or just mean. He typically talk about it the next day and move on. We got into a heated argument today and he said some mean things (he was under the influence again). He’s never cheated nor given me the reason to believe he has, but something in my gut told me to check his phone. The phone was clean but right before I put it back I decided to check his deleted pictures. In there I found a video dated 3 weeks ago. He went to a massage parlor and had sex with a masseuse. I sent the video to myself and woke him up. When asked if he has had sex with anyone, he said no. I them played the video for him. He opened his eyes and said “you went through my phone?!” I asked him to leave the house. He agreed and did leave but then came back. He asked to stay in the other room, then apologized. He apologized some more but I just couldn’t take him serious since his voice still sounded some what drunk. This went on for hours. He kept apologizing and did sound sincere. He said it only happened once and it was because he needed to feel like he still got it? He said when I deny him, it hurts his ego. He didn’t put blame on me and agreed that was stupid of him to do. The crazy thing is that a male friend of mine sat on my lap over a year ago. My fiancé broke up with me because of it. I begged him to stay. But here we are, he actually had sex with a random hoe, and is begging for our family to work through this?! I will say that it’s tough because a part of me wants to work through this. It wasn’t am emotional attachment to this lady, but the other part of me is like, walk away and compare my. He’s a great dad and a great partner (when sober) but he broke my trust. To top it off, we are getting married in Mexico. We just sent out wedding invitations and due to be married February 2024. My parents have paid over $20,000 and we have paid a big chunk too. So many people have bought flight tickets. I feel like the underlying problem is alcohol. With us being so social, I don’t know that he/we can stop drinking. Especially is a Hispanic culture. I am sad for my baby. I want her to have 2 parents as I was raised.
ReplyDelete(Part 1) Hello everyone. Me and Boyfriend were very happy together while we dating and I never suspected he was the type to cheat. I did my best to communicate openly and honestly, he was always receptive to it and would reassure me. I did notice that he never really brought up his own feelings and emotions when we did communicate. He had been in a couple toxic relationship prior to me, really bad stuff like she would threaten to hurt herself of him if he said they wanted to break up and they were always fighting. So I didn't expect him to open up right away but it did kind of bother me but i was patient and understanding.
ReplyDelete(part 2) About a week before we broke up he seemed a little distant. Not with his affection or words but just something seemed... off. 4 days before we broke up I had woken up to him saying he was going to hang out with a friend and that he would message me when he was home and free to see me. I was a little hurt since the night before we had made plans to see each other that morning but we hadn't set a time or anything. I also had no reason to doubt him at this point and didn't question who he was seeing since he was such an outgoing guy and I barely knew all his friends. However I never heard from him for the rest of the day. It was at 8pm that he finally responded to me and said he had fallen asleep. I expressed my hurt at being ignored and treated like an after thought. We communicated about it and i felt better about things, however he never mentioned who he had seen that day. I stayed at his house the next few days and things seemed better. We were having a great time. On Sunday my mom called me over to help her clean the spare room and we had been up all night so my ex boyfriend was still sleeping when i had to go. I asked if he wanted to come but he said no very sleepily. I went to my moms and about an hour later I get a message from him about him going for a walk with a friend and that he might not be home for a bit. I knew better this time and asked who the friend was and he said her name. Now he didn't know I knew his ex's name since he never talked about them but my best friend is dating his (my ex boyfriends) best friend and she had told me a bit about her. Now i asked him if that was his ex and he said yes. I didn't respond for awhile but i did want to communicate about this and so i went to see him. It was very difficult to get him to talk this time but i never backed down and eventually he admitted that he missed her and that was wasn't sure what to do. I asked if he wanted to still be with me and he nodded. He said he was scared to be in a relationship since they always ended terribly even if they lasted a long time. I was content with a nod to something as big as us staying together so i re asked and he said he wasn't sure. We did break up that night and I found out a week later that he had been seeing her again.
ReplyDelete(Part 3) We talked on and off as I tried to figure out what he was doing with me. He didn't want me out of his life but was seeing her so I was very confused. We went no contact for a week and after that he reached out. He said he wanted to talk. He told me he felt terrible for hurting me and that he was no longer seeing her. He said i was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he didn't want us to be strangers, perhaps friends. I said we could try but there is a part of me that is always going to be hoping we end up back together so we could be on friendly terms but shouldn't be alone or hang out and he agreed. It was very awkward and it didn't go too well at first but it was getting easier. Until a couple days into our 'friendship" one night we ended up flirting with each other by accident. I explained we can't let this happen because this is not what friends do. I can't be intimate with a person I am not dating and you said you weren't ready to be in a relationship. It was then he revealed he had been hoping for a future with me again. He wanted us to be happy again. I said that would be nice... but neither one of us is ready for that since I haven't forgiven him for hurting me and cheating on me. He isn't ready either since he is the type to run away from his emotions and is terrible at communicating. I said I would like to but we have make sure we aren't chasing memories but making a future and we have a lot work to do. He agreed and said he knew but this is what he wanted. Now I am struggling with what to do because i at first was very happy but as the days have gone on i am worried he won't be able to put in the work. However just last night he opened up to me about he wants to get back together and be happy again but feels he doesn't deserve to be happy. He opened up about his feelings and truama. He said he wasn't used to having someone in his life want to be a safe space and actually want to communicate with him. This gives me hope that he actually is and wants to change so that he can be with me again. I however am really struggling with believing and trusting him. How can I learn to trust again?
ReplyDeletePart 1:::I am a 27 year old married female.. i hve been married for about 17 months. I have a 7 month bby boy.. after i gave birth in February i was at my hometown beginning of April i came back to my martial home. Things were just not working out with my husband.. He was so busy😏, he was helping this or that person out with this r that but it was always just me and the baby at home.. Time went by i still feel the disconnect we carried on as if nothing was wrong but the gap was so much so that a blind man could see it. So we had a conversation and we had a heart t heart i asked hi are you cheating on me he said no. My heart said he is lying.. so i went through his phone juat now in August and what i found was worse that what i thought.. This guy has been cheating on me since the day we met, started dating, when we boe up, we were back with each other, when we got engaged, when we got married and just now when we had a baby. He was texting calling girls asking when are they going to meet up. He was calling his ex's talking about how much he missed them, video called them , took them out to dates, he even took one of his ex's to our wedding venue. He told one of his exs he got an erection when she reminded him about them being intimate and that too in a car.. He told the one he took to our venue that He loved her 10 days before we got married. He told his other ex that there is not woman he has loved more than her. He has kept their pictures so he can show his kids and be like this was supposed to be your mother (3 months before we got married) he kept that picture i found it in his things last month. He was either dating or sleeping with one of our neighbors a girl i thought was his friend. He had girls he was asking out i think at least 5 girls, he had girls he was calling Wifey at least 5 at most 10, he had his ex's on the side. He would cll these women, text them, go out on dates with them all this behind.. Just last year December we went on pregnancy photoshoot the next morning he went to tke a girl out.. when i look through he even went out with that girl when our son was in hospital, gave her about 1300 rands he said they are poor t her house..
ReplyDeletePart2::: i confronted him on the 10th August and he apologized i forgve ever since i forgave no i think he thought i was saying i am over it. He wants to touch me, kiss me and even be intimate he was like i need us to be intimate i know you are not oky but i need us to be intimate please try because i feel like if we are not it wil cause more problems .. i do not feel lik he i remorseful or even considerte of my feelings, the struggle, intimacy is the last thing on my mind. I need to see that he really cares and he is ding his best just to win me back..i told him i need him to start all over even this wedding is null and void.. we need to g see a therapist we need to work we wil get to sex but now we need to put in the work.. i am afraid what if he goes out for sex or what if this playing hard to get will ruin everything but at rhe same time i am afraid that if we get intimate he Will not see aythung wrong he will stop putting in the work he will just act as if everything is okay.my heart has been broken, my trust, i do not even know what to do anymore.. the pain is just too much..i cannot wait for our first session with a therapist because wow i need help.. i see my life without him but the way our son adores him.. i no longer want his surname i just want my surname because i also feel like since this guy is not showing remorse chances he will repeat this again.. please help
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this page.
ReplyDeleteFound out last night my boyfriend has been talking to and trying to sleep with a woman he works with. I guess a little back story our relationship has been hard from the beginning. We started out as a not so normal couple but overall had an amazing relationship. We’ve always been open with each other and one of the things we always promised was if we ever felt some type of way about anyone even just a crush we would tell each other to avoid cheating or possibly pursuing the other relationship and not waste each others time. I’ve always had trust issues(horrible past relationships) but even with that I never thought he’d cheat on me. We've been together almost 3 years and had our child 6 months ago. It’s been a blessing but also very stressful on our relationship. We decided when our child was born I would stay at home and he would work because child care is very expensive and I don’t trust anyone. We have been arguing a lot since he’s been born but we kept telling each other we want to stay together and we love each other. I have been trying really hard lately to work on our relationship and I thought we were doing better but turns out I’ve been the only one trying. How I found out was I was handing him his phone and happened to see a text saying “you’re my favorite person here” from someone with a man’s name which confused me but I handed him his phone and asked who it was. He lied and said it was someone at work he didn’t really like and I replied with well they seem to like you. I asked to see his phone again and he told me no and asked if we could go our room and talk alone (we have a roommate). So we did and from that alone I knew it was bad. Turns out it’s a woman from his work that he has been texting for over a month. According to him nothing physical has happened but the texts I read he was trying to have sex with her on multiple occasions at work and saying other stuff like “wanting to get to know her more and waiting for her since she’s not ready for a relationship”. He said it started as a joke (which I don’t understand) and said it just progressed from there. He said all they do is text and flirt but he also said he isn’t in love with me anymore and has feelings for her but he wants to work on us and doesn’t want to throw what we have away. I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to trust him now? How can I believe he won’t continue this relationship with this woman at work? I thought I felt trapped before but it’s even worse now. I don’t even know if anyone will see this but idk what to do. I can’t stop crying and I can’t sleep. I love him so much even with this betrayal and I want to be with him and I feel stupid. I don’t know how to make it work. I don’t even know if I can. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
ReplyDeleteMy D-day was a year ago this week. My husband had an emotional affair plus some serious kissing with a woman who 1. was a mutual friend and 2. someone he works with and continues to work with to this day. This person was at my home repeatedly over the years and we even threw ourselves a joint birthday party one year. Turns out she'd been in love with my husband for some time. Pursued him under the guise of "friendship" and he allowed boundaries to slip and blur. Then they crossed them. I found out when she texted him, saying, "I think I'm addicted to you." Husband has worked hard to make amends, etc. She never apologized or showed remorse. Just the opposite. I hate the whole situation--which took a while to unravel and dissolve. I still hate it. Mostly, things are better. But some days, I just hate the whole thing and still get triggered sometimes. The betrayal--being at my home for my birthday party, my son's graduation--all while she had her eye on my husband--makes me ill, as does his involvement. She actually used her friend's illness to try to get my husband to see her...and I could go on and on. But I won't. Thanks for this site. It's good to know others out there understand.
ReplyDeleteBefore I share my very recent story I just want to say how much my heart is breaking reading the stories of all these other women who are hurting and broken just as much as I am. This is a great blog for letting all of us vent our frustrations and look for advice when we feel like we have no where else to go and for that I am very thankful, so thank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteHere’s my story: a week ago early Friday morning (10/6) after a long night of drinking and having fun with our friends I took one of my 2 girl friends home, my husband was supposed to take the other one home (his coworker) and when I get back home I catch him banging this coworker in my bed. Bach story: These 2 friends are both females, both married, one is married to a female and the other is married to a male and my husbands coworker. We started off the night at the bar by our house, both of these girlfriends’ spouses were there but both parties went home well before closing time bc they had work in the morning. So closing time comes around and my 2 friends want to keep the party going at our house. We’d been having a really good night, lots of fun, and they’ve both come over multiple times before so of course I said yeah, we can play card games and hang out for a couple more hours. So my husband drives us all to our home which is only a few blocks away and we start playing some drinking card games. A few minutes after we get home another one of our couple friends comes over for a little bit too. We’re having lots of fun, my husband starts drinking quite a bit, doing beer bongs and taking shots. I took a shot with one of my friends and had another beer while we were playing card games. So fast forward a couple hours later the couple that came over goes home bc the wife was definitely ready for bed and pretty slammed at this point. So her husband carries her out and takes her home. About 30 min later my friend who’s married to the female says she really needs to go home and her wife is going to be so mad so I said I would take her home. My husband offered to take her but I said no, you’ve been drinking way too much and I don’t want you driving across town right now. So I suggested he take his coworker home bc she only lives a mile away and he can get to her house without getting on any major roads so he agrees. My friend and I go to leave and we left my husband and his coworker still sitting on my couch. It takes me 25 min to drive from my house to my friends and then back home. I get home and see the garage door is still open and his truck is in the driveway so I’m thinking awesome he took her home and he’s waiting on me so we can have some fun time in the bedroom. I walk through my garage, open the door to my laundry room, cross through the kitchen, put my stuff down on my table and turn my should to my right and see him standing on the end of my bed fully nude with his coworker laying in MY bed on her back and him balls deep inside her. I screamed “OH MY F***ING GOD” and ran out the door. The rest of the story I’m still living right now but luckily I was able to get ahold of one of his male coworkers to come pick me up and get me out of there and then my best friend who lives 3 hours away drove and picked me up later that afternoon. I spent the whole weekend with her and came back home Monday evening.
And now I’m living in this life of regret, sadness, betrayal, hurt, pain, anger, so many emotions. So much feeling. I was blindsided. Completely blindsided. I never in a million years saw this happening to me. So now I’m questioning everything he’s ever said. Everything. I know he regrets it, I know he has remorse. I know he wishes he could turn back time and take it all back. What’s crazy to me is that she approached him. He said he went into our bathroom to pee and then he was going to take her home. When he rounded the corner she came into our room completely nude (except her bra was still on) reached down and grabbed him and pulled his pants down. She backed him up against our bed and started sucking him. Then after that she pushed him back and started riding him. The mental images are just eating me alive. What I saw was already bad enough but then having to picture all that too in MY marriage bed?! It’s too much. And at some point he flipped her over and put her on her back. My biggest roadblock right now is coming to terms with the why didn’t he stop her. Why didn’t he push her back or punch her in the face and ask her wtf are you doing get the heck out of my house and don’t touch me. But he didn’t. He let her do that and he never stopped her. And I am so broken. So completely heart broken. He ruined my bed, he ruined my house, he ruined my whole world. And I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8.5 years, married for 3. This is too early on in this marriage for him to do this to me. He says I’m his world, his everything, he can’t live without me. I’ve been crying my eyes out all day and now we’re on the road to my hometown to see my family bc I had this trip planned for months and they don’t know. So now I have to put a smile on my face and act like everything is ok when I’m breaking down inside. They have no idea, I’ve only told a few of my really close friends, but not a single person in my family. This is going to be so hard and I don’t know what to do. This isn’t the first time he’s hurt me and broken my trust, but I forgave him for what he did and we moved past it, and it wasn’t anything this bad and it wasn’t during our marriage. He ruined my sanctity in this marriage, my monogamy. Adultery has plagued me my whole life, it’s what caused my parents divorce, and he knows how much it hurts me and has haunted my past and always promised he would never ever do this to me. And yet I caught him in the worst way possible. Just come on dude you knew I was coming back home. I was gone for 25 min….how in those 25 min did you not think of me while you’re surrounded by my things, my pictures, in our room? I just don’t get it. I’m just broken and need some enlightenment and some help. Thanks for reading my story, it was a long one.
ReplyDeleteSo it's been a few months but my fiance cheated on me with an ex went and saw her a few times says his heart never cheated he did it to get her to cosign on a loan so she would be stuck with the payments and see he sees I cheated as I talked to this guy I called my best friend and told him I was sure my daughter was my best friends bc I wasn't completely honest with him of who he was and I never saw him in person only texted and he actually went and seen her in person and that still hurts me to this day and idk how to move past it we want to be together and get married but I got to move past this first I was always cheated on my whole life and it hurt especially when I was madly in love with him and I still am and I want to put it past us so we can get us back
ReplyDeleteIt’s been two days since I finally asked “who the fuck are you always chatting with on Snapchat”. His initial response, a girl he knew I was already jealous of from a decade ago. He didn’t want me to find out they talked and flirted (“nothing more”) because I would be mad. That was a lie. It took a lot of tears and yelling that night for the real truth to come out. My husband is bisexual and has been sexting men he finds online for years. We’ve been together for 10, married for 2. It started before we were married. Allegedly it was just messages, never anything physical. I just don’t know what to believe at this point, has our whole relationship been a lie? We were happy. I was happy. But it was fake, maybe not all of it but I’m having trouble looking at memories and not thinking “he was deceiving me in this joyous moment”. I’m so very sad and so stuck. I can’t leave the house, I can’t move, I can’t let him leave. I’m just so stuck.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know where to start. I have been married for only a year and a couple months now and I feel so silly and ridiculous even coming here to share my story. But here goes... I found out about the first women only a couple months into our relationship, I went through his phone while he was in the shower because I just felt off. Something wasn't sitting right with me and as soon as I opened his phone there the messages were. I asked him about it and of course he pleaded and convinced me that nothing happened but once again something wasn't right. So I messaged the person he was texting and I asked her straight up to be honest and tell me what happened. And she said he was very inappropriate, touching on her and kissing on her. I thought my heart would fall out my chest. I confronted him about it and he denied it at first but then told the truth. I was still hurt but I thought to myself well at least nothing went further then that. But that was just the first incident. The second was a "friend" that he said he knew for a long time and was like family so he asked if it would be ok if he went to visit her and he would call me when he got there and let me know when he's leaving and reassure me that nothing was gonna happen and I feel so stupid saying it but he came home and he kissed me and all I smelled was her scent on his mustache and it sent chills down my back because I knew he cheated again. I confronted him again and again and he lied until he decided to tell the truth. He told me he went down on her and then left.... I should have left him then right?..... I didn't. The third time was 6 months into our relationship he was working at a dispensary and he would often times make home deliveries well this time in particular he left the house again and said he was going to drop some things off and he will be back. I called him maybe an hour later and I genuinely just needed to ask him a question about something but when he answered he sounded out of breath and like it was some kind of echo in the background like he was in a bathroom or something and I immediately became suspicious so I questioned him and once again he lied. Later he told me he was about to have intercourse with her but I called and that was the reason he left. At this point it had been 3 women that he cheated with and I was stuck on stupid and probably still living in a fantasy world but I still didn't leave. The fourth time I was working overnight and he had intercourse with a yoga instructor at her studio . I found out about her after I went through his phone again and he was sending explicit messages. He admitted he did have intercourse with her. And that really hurt me to the core. The fifth time he was dropping off something and ended up having intercourse with one of the patients that visited the dispensary. Now I said all of that and I am literally numb to everything around me. Everything triggers me and sets me off. I'm so angry and hurt I don't even know how to live in this world anymore. I am still with him and I want to leave but he has been doing everything that I asked him to do. I have the passwords to all his social media, to his phone, his email, I have the location on his phone, but I am still hurting and it's like he wants me to be healed and not bring it up but it has only been 11 months since he last cheated and everyday I constantly worry about him cheating. Everytime I see him talking to another women it triggers me, when I hear about yoga it triggers me, when I hear certain names it triggers me. those 5 names are buried in my head and it's driving me insane. And today I feel like I'm ready to be free and live my life and heal but I also love my husband and my family. I don't know what to do. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone so I walk around with this smile but really inside I am literally dying. I sleep next to him every night and I don't think I'm here anymore. This feels like a dream that I can't wake up from.
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I'd make sure that I have a separate bank account. Consult a lawyer--find out what your options are. Tell one trusted person in your life. Find a good, trauma-informed therapist. Take care of yourself and try not to consider him while you handle your own business.
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ReplyDeleteD-Day was a day before Thanksgiving but I didn't confront him until December 18th, when I had a break and could breathe. I just wanted to get through the holidays with our adult children. The details are ugly and my informant is from the opposite coast, where my husband had been living and working for a year. I'm still numb.
ReplyDeleteSo I've been married to my husband for 13 years and we dated 3 before that. We don't have any kids but we've been talking about it. When covid happened he was one that had to go remote while my job is impossible to do remote so I was out of the house for most of the time. I was working long hours and when I got home I was exhausted, so our communication and connectivity suffered greatly. About a year ago he confessed that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and that he'd been severely depressed but didn't want to hurt me. We decided to start couples therapy and individual therapy. There was about a 3 month gap where we were in a limbo before we started therapy and werent sure what was going to happen. We've been going to therapy for about 8 months now and everything has been improving. We've gotten back on the same page and communicating more. This morning I woke up to him having a panic attack and saying he needed to confess something. He told me that in those few months before we started therapy he had cheated on me with a friend of his on a business trip. I know this is all new but he was crying and telling me he made a mistake. I asked him if it was the only person and he said yes and that the guilt has been eating him up about it. He had stopped all communication with her after we started therapy. Or so he says. It was a friend he met over Xbox and I have noticed that he hasn't spoken or talked to her in a while. My trust was still on the mend from him hiding his depression/feelings from me for so long before. I'm at a loss now, I do love him which is why I fought so hard so help fix our relationship before. I want to trust him, he seemed so genuine in his confession but I don't know if I'm just being naive. He's still willing to go to therapy and we'll be taking about it in our next session but I just wanted to air my hurt.
ReplyDeleteI would like to come back to share my full story (when I can type from my computer). But for tonight, I’m struggling with the feeling that I want some of our mutual connections to know what he did, which was serial betrayal with multiple women. He gets to be in this community as a seemingly upstanding guy, while I’m in agony from the pain and knowledge of what he’s done. It wasn’t the first time. We have separated (and will not be reconciling). I cannot even begin to think about being with anyone else (my heart needs a lot more healing first), yet he’s out there actively dating. My question is - is it ok for me to tell some people who know us both? I wouldn’t blast it on social media, but can I share it with some mutual connections, and if so, how? He’s well-known (we were a well-known couple) and he is seen by many as the golden boy in our community. It’s agonizing to feel isolated in this knowledge. I’d love to hear thoughts on this. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteBe careful. Select, perhaps, one trusted friend, someone who will believe you. This can backfire. I understand your dilemma. The ow who pursued my husband and, when he put the stop on things (they had an emotional affair at work, though she was a mutual "friend") is so untrustworthy that there was a sense that she'd retaliate if we told her (now ex) husband, etc--and yet many people still think she's this great person. It's an act. Try, maybe, with a friend or family member who doesn't live in town. But get your affairs (money, etc) in order first. It is also helpful to remember this: other people's transgressions and secrets are not your burden to bear. Figure out what will work for you and how, then go ahead. Tell someone. You might be doing a service.
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