- Feeling Stuck, Page 22 (PAGE FULL)
- Sex and intimacy after betrayal
- Share Your Story: Finding Out, Part 5 (4 is full!!...
- Finding Out, Part 5 (Please post here. Part 4 is f...
- Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say
- Separating/Divorcing Page 9
- Finding Out, Part 6
- Books for the Betrayed
- Separating and Divorcing, Page 10
- Feeling Stuck, Part 23
- MORE Stupid S#*t Cheaters Say
- Share Your Story Part 6 (Part 5 is full)
- Sex & Intimacy After Betrayal Part 2 (Part 1 is full)
- Share Your Story
Thursday, December 31, 2020
Tuesday, December 29, 2020
It was like I was drowning, I was so weighed down by my own heartbreak. Then one day I decided to just dive all the way down into it, sink into this unbearable ocean of grief, only to discover that I had gills. For weeks, it was like I lived at the bottom of my own soul, digging my feet into soft sand at the depth of an ocean, learning about the quietest, scariest parts of my soul. And, when I was ready, I kicked off and swam.
Surrendering to the pain feels terrifying. We are so sure we'll never recover. We are convinced that we will drown in our own "ocean of grief" created by our tears, that if we're not fighting to survive, we'll die of the heartbreak.
And then...the opposite happens. We learn, as the writer says, that we have gills. We learn that surrender isn't giving up at all, it's accepting. All the flailing and panicking and fighting and denying in the world isn't going to save us from the pain. What will? Accepting it. Inviting it in. "Diving all the way down into it."
I know it's terrifying. I also know it's necessary. In all my years of hearing your stories, listening to those of you who've healed from this, navigating my own path through heartbreak, I've come to the conclusion that there is no other way back to a fully-lived life. Sure you can survive this without diving into the grief. And, honestly, in those early days, surviving was my goal. I couldn't imagine anything on the other side of survival. It would be enough, I decided, to just not die from the pain.
But then, as it became clear that I would survive, it also became clear that survival wasn't enough. And that meant diving into my grief. That meant I had to stop pushing my pain away and invite it in. It meant sinking into this unbearable ocean of grief. I discovered not just the heartbreak of my husband's betrayal there but so much more. Heartbreak I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge. All the ways in which I had been betrayed and all the ways in which I'd betrayed myself. It's a lot. Having a therapist handy with a life-ring helped. Having friends who could sit with me in my pain helped. Having my mother, the source of much of my long-buried pain, able to acknowledge it with me, to tell me again how sorry she was. Having a dog into whose furry neck I could sob until I felt empty also helped.
You also don't have to do this alone. But, if you want not only to survive this pain but to emerge with your heart still open to love and life, then you do have to do this. You have to surrender to the grief. You have to stop flailing and fighting to stay at the surface. You have to "dive all the way down into it, into the unbearable ocean."
But know this:
What happens when we reach that bottom is we learn we have gills. We can stay there, still breathing, as long as we need to. And then, I promise, we rise.
Thursday, December 24, 2020
Wednesday, December 23, 2020
I feel as though a sob is lodged in my throat and will emerge at, likely, the most inopportune moment. It has been there awhile, though it shrinks occasionally when I've had a particularly good day. It's my 2020 sob, a lump of sadness for all the pain felt by so many this awful, horrible year.
We're among the lucky ones. I live in Canada, where the virus has definitely wreaked havoc but nothing on the scale of our neighbors to the south. I only personally know one person who has had COVID – who died from it – and she lived in Florida. My husband and I have not lost our jobs. Our two older kids have had to do remote learning, which sucks but they have access to laptops and high-speed Internet and incredibly patient, hard-working teachers. Our youngest has had part-time in-person classes with equally hardworking teachers who have shown up in person and who have been a godsend. We have food, shelter, each other. Rarely have I felt so privileged on a daily basis to feel safe.
And yet...so much pain. So much sadness. So many alone. So many who've lost jobs. So many going to jobs where they feel unsafe. Where they are unsafe. So much anger. So much vitriol.
But also, so much gratitude. When the world feels dark, a whole lot of us find ourselves grateful for even the tiniest bit of light.
It's not unlike those early days and weeks and months following D-Day. When our lives have been upended but we aren't yet sure what shape our new lives will take. When we can't imagine that the day will come when we feel a sliver of joy or gratitude. How could we? And yet, we do. A child's laugh. A friend's smile over Zoom. A dog bolting across a yard to greet us. A cat's contented purr. A good book. A cup of tea. A starlit night. I promise you, those moments are there if you look for them. Looking for loveliness, a friend of mine calls it. And she makes it a daily practice.
The New York Times asked listeners to The Daily podcast to share good news stories. People called in with tales of new babies, falling in love, learning to play the trumpet, riding a bike, a boys' successful cancer treatments and so much more. Light within the darkness.
I had to pause and rewind it to hear those words again. In reaching out, we save ourselves. The sob in my throat grew and a few tears leaked out. It's what happens here on this site all the time. It's what I've witnessed for more than a decade, since I first created Betrayed Wives Club in 2009. You reach out, first with your own story. Others read it and see themselves in your pain. Me too, they write, though not always in those words. I know that pain. I know that loneliness. I know that fear. That loss. That grief.
Thank-you all for what you do to keep this space a bright spot. May you find your own light this season. May it remind you that always, always the light will return and grow stronger the more we tend to it. In the meantime, may we continue to reach out to each other and, in so doing, also save ourselves.
Monday, December 21, 2020
Healing from betrayal is very different than healing from other crises...because the self has to be rebuilt.
The self has to be rebuilt. That phrase brings tears to my eyes because, for me, it was the absolute truth. I was so shattered by my husband's betrayal that I had days when I felt like a ghost. A shell that contained only pain. I questioned my value. I considered suicide. I felt erased by him, as if everything I had done as his wife, as mother to his children, as his best friend didn't amount to anything.
What betrayal also exposed was just how fragile my "self" was. I wasn't made of stone but of glass. But though betrayal levelled me, it also created the space for transformation. As Dr. Silber puts it, "if your house is levelled, don't build the same house". Whether you apply that statement to yourself or your marriage (or both!), the idea is the same. This is your moment to rebuild in a way that's stronger.
In my case, it meant revisiting a whole lot of childhood trauma (which I had never considered "trauma" so much as just "shitty"). It meant paying attention to how things that I thought benign or ordinary had lain the groundwork for me to tolerate things that I shouldn't have. Consider this: My brother often beat me up. He was three years older, infinitely stronger and with a temper that frightened my parents too. They rarely stepped in. To me, it was garden-variety sibling stuff. Didn't everyone get the shit beat out of them by their siblings? Well, no, according to my horrified therapist who pointed out that my continued struggle with other people's anger likely had its roots in those early experiences where I learned that anger meant violence.
Rebuilding my shattered self meant reexamining things I'd long believed or accepted and deciding what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to toss. It was a sort of psychological/emotional Marie Kondo-ing of my inner clutter.
That's available to you too. "Trauma is the setup for transformation," says Dr. Silber. The key is moving out of the trauma. I know, I know. Not easy and might require the help of a professional. I finally turned to EMDR when I found it too difficult to move past the trauma. I felt stuck in trauma, like the cement was hardening around my feet. But, as we've all discovered, the only way out is through. Which means feeling all the feelings, crying all the tears, moving through the stages of grief.
I say that I discovered my self was built of glass, not stone. And yet...that self held seeds of this self. That self transported me to this place. Right here, right now. In which I consider myself worthy and lovable. In which I know myself to matter. It took strength, which must have already been there. Yours is there too.
Friday, December 18, 2020
One of the most difficult things about healing from being hurt by others is how to put wounds to rest when those who have hurt us will not give air to the wound, will not admit to their part in causing the pain. I have struggled with this deeply. Time and again, I find myself confusing the want for justice with the need for a witness of the wound.
One of the more common laments I hear on this site is how the OW isn't "paying" for what she did. If she was single, well, she just moves on. If she's married, we imagine that her husband either doesn't know (and most don't want to tell him) or that he's chosen to move past it. So really, what we're saying when we want the OW to pay for our pain is that we want to see her pay. We want it to be public. Oprah once said that the downside of the karma bus was that we rarely got to see it run over those who did us wrong.
And I get it. Justice. We just want justice, right? Except that focusing on justice – the price we think she should pay (and our husband should pay, for that matter) – often keeps us focused outwardly. Away from the pain. Away from the wound.
But what I've learned through healing from betrayal is that focussing outward keeps us a step removed from our wound but connected to the person who helped create it. It's like being in the middle of the road with a broken leg and trying to chase down the person who ran us over. What we need to do is fix the break first.
But a broken bone is one thing. It shows up on x-rays. A broken heart is another thing entirely. We don't know how to effectively treat a broken heart. And so we tell ourselves that we're being pathetic. We chastise ourselves for our tears. Why aren't we over this? What's wrong with us? We need a witness for our wound, as Mark Nepo says, and yet we can't even do that for ourselves. Far easier, it seems, to stalk her Facebook or Instagram for signs of her misery. Far easier to drive by her house and see the curtains pulled tight.
None of this is easy, my friends. Healing from infidelity just might be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it starts with acknowledging your pain. Acknowledging just how deep the wound goes. And summoning other witnesses to it, who can assure us that they know it's there too.
It might not erase our desire for justice, our need to see those who hurt us somehow pay for the damage they caused. But it also might. By the time I began to feel healed from my own broken heart, I no longer cared about the OW. I knew by then she had remarried and had a baby. And I hoped, for the baby's sake, that she had done some healing of her own. I hoped for the sake of other women that she never wanted to cause such damage in another's marriage again. But that was nothing I could control. And so I let go.
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
How Hiring a Dog-Walker Taught me Valuable Lesson in Control (or "Why My Therapist Grew to Hate My Appointments")
How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself? ~
Many years ago, I watched Oprah at 4 p.m. on weekdays. One of her frequent guests was Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil had a question he routinely asked those who brought their problems to him. His question was this:
But she would listen. And then one day, she said to me, You can't see a solution to this?
Of course, I could see a solution. Duh. The solution was my husband needed to do what I wanted him to do.
She did a poor job of hiding her rolling eyes. No. A solution that doesn't involve you trying to control something you can't control. A solution that involves you controlling what you can control.
Nope. I came up blank. Seriously. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I was so sure that the only solution to my dog-walking woes was for my husband to take care of the dogs he insisted we get.
She sat back and sighed. Well, she said. I can think of a half-dozen solutions off the top of my head.
Seriously? What magic was this woman capable of?
Such as? I asked.
She sighed and, no doubt, calculated how much she was being paid to listen to me. Such as hiring a dog-walker, for a start.
But my husband doesn't want to pay someone to walk the dogs.
Yes, I actually said that. I thought that my husband's wants/needs were a barrier to me getting what I wanted/needed. He mattered. I didn't.
I think if she hadn't been a pacifist and professional, my therapist would have leaned over and smacked me in the head. God knows, I deserved it.
Well then, he has a choice. Either pay for the dog walker you hire or walk the dogs himself.
My mind was blown. This woman was a genius.
We had our dog walker until we had to pause because of COVID. My husband occasionally grumbled about the cost to which I responded, well, you're welcome to walk them yourself. But if you won't, then we're keeping the dog walker. Even when we walked our dogs ourselves, which became more frequent, our dogs still got their daily walk with their beloved dog-walker.
And we all lived happily ever after.
I see so many of you struggling with things that you can't control (ie. whether he goes to therapy, whether he discloses passwords, and so on) and ignoring what you can control (ie. what boundaries you set in place in order to stay in the marriage). I see so many of you waiting rather than demanding the best for yourself, as Epicetus cautions us not to do.
How long are you going to wait? he asks.
Where did you learn to live on crumbs? Esther Perel asks.
Why are you protecting him from the consequences of his choices? I ask. Why is his need to not be challenged, or to not feel uncomfortable, or to not examine his fucked up childhood more important than your need to feel safe in the marriage, or to have emotional intimacy, or to feel valued and respected and heard?
I know these issues can't be solved by hiring a dog-walker.
And I know that it hurts to hear How is that working out for you?
And I know that the consequences of you controlling what you can control (for instance, leaving a marriage in which your partner refuses to seek treatment for his addictions or anger issues or whatever) are more painful than shelling out a bit of money for someone to show up with dog leashes.
But if it's not working out for you, all the moaning in the world isn't going to change that. What will work? Prioritizing your needs. Thinking, as one brilliant secret sister put it, of me rather than we.
You can spend the rest of your life wishing he would metaphorically walk the goddamn dogs. Or you can hire a metaphorical dog-walker (or actual lawyer, or actual therapist, or...) And he can either get on board or stay behind, wondering where you're going without him.
Friday, December 11, 2020
~Xochitl Gonzalez, Turns Out It's Pretty Good Aging, from The Cut
I never aspired to be married. While my friends doodled Mrs. MacKay or Mrs. Stuart in the margins of their notebooks (depending on the surnames of their beloveds), I pictured my current name on the cover of books or at the top of magazine stories. No "Mrs" for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2020
Monday, December 7, 2020
Last week, Susan, one of our secret sisters, noted how much difficulty she's having looking herself in the eye. She feels ashamed at staying with her unfaithful husband. She feels pathetic and weak and like, if she had any dignity, she would be out the door.
It's a state I'm familiar with. I, too, spent many weeks/months beating myself up for staying. I told myself I was staying for the kids, at least for now. I told myself that I could leave any time (and I could!). I told myself I just needed to rest until I felt ready to leave.
And all of this was true. But it wasn't the whole story. Because underscoring all those things I was telling myself was this truth: I wanted to stay.
Wanting to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on you is, shall we say, frowned on in our culture. We all know the tropes: Cheaters are assholes who must pay for what they did. Women who stay are those who agree to "look the other way", who "put up with it". Men who aren't left humiliated are undoubtedly going to do it again because they haven't paid a price for their sins. It's baked into our culture, our songs, our stories.
We see it here all the time. Incredible strong women who are willing to give their partners another chance but under the strict maxim, "My heartbreak, my rules."
💪 Strong women listen to their own hearts and voice. Its the hardest thing I have ever done.
❤️ There's no one answer. All the details matter. Healthy women deal with whatever life throws them. No one wants to be betrayed but it happens. Some can move on with, some not. Either is okay.
💪 Perfect. You have to get to know yourself, what you think you can do, and what your spouse is capable of in terms of change. It’s hard. But so is leaving.
❤️ I stayed and i am now one of the strongest women i know. Leaving would have made me strong too , single and strong. But married with my family in tact took just as much strength.
💪 It takes a strong woman not make a knee jerk decision to leave.
A mature adult lets the dust settle and makes a decision that is right for her (& her kids).
💪 Staying also takes a lot strength. It’s just focused differently then leaving. There is nothing weak in trying to figure out what is right for yourself after your world has been blown apart. Better clearer choices can be made as the dust settles.
Strong women are the ones who find & know their self worth, regardless of whether they stay or leave.
💪 Strong people face the truth and make the right decision for them.
I would tell her that having a big heart and deep love for her SO isn’t weakness. It takes strength to stay and face the pain, and work through it day after day. It takes strength to still try and see the good in this person. And It also takes strength to leave.
💪 My husband's AP's family and friends told me I was dumb. I stayed with a cheater. She tried everything to break up our family knowing how hard it was for me to stay. I had to forgive the ultimate sin and take everyone's crap and swallow it. That takes strength. It takes someone brave and bold to do the hardest thing. And I didn't settle. I made the choice. I didn't just go back because I didn't have any other options. I made the choice because it is what was right for me. And anyone who judges is a c@#t.
❤️ She definitely should not “put up with it”. To stay, she needs to go for recovery...and that’s not putting up with it. It’s staying with a plan. It takes strength & courage as you all know. Courage to face society’s & oneself’s judgement and to heal with the one who hurt her...
💪 I think it takes a very strong woman/man to stay and put in the work to try and repair their marriage and rebuild trust. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 53 yrs. I hope she reads all of these because she is SUPER STRONG!!!
❤️She isn’t weak for staying. It takes a lot of strength to navigate this bs. However- the fact she’s having second thoughts about staying and sees herself as weak is something she should explore. If she’s staying out of fear of being alone, for example.
💪 1) She has to like her own reasons for staying 2)she has to have her own back on her decision 3) cultural myth is nothing. This is her life. She gets to make the rules
❤️ It’s her life; she should do what she wants to do.
💪 Staying and putting in the work for a new marriage is SO much harder for betrayer & betrayed. Walking away isn’t easy & still requires years of healing but deciding to stay & become different & better requires strength; willingness to learn & grow, daily forgiveness, & hard work.
❤️ I have faced many people who would not do what I have done. Shown some compassion to a man who is truly sorry for his actions.
💪 Put herself first whether that means staying or going.
❤️ Staying takes far more strength than leaving. You have to be able to look past the lying, the deceit, the anger, the hate, the devastation, the destruction of your confidence and certainty and rebuild yourself and your relationship. You have to forgive without bitterness. But stay because you believe that it is the right thing to do for you or your family. Don't stay to meet other people's expectations and beliefs. If you stay, know that you will be stronger than you were before. Finally love and hugs from us. We know how hard it is.
💪 This is something I struggle with immensely too. Ppl are complex. Lives are complex. Love can survive & grow through adversity. The strongest people are those who can hold pain in their hearts & STILL stay someone who caused it. That's radical acceptance & love. Fk what ppl think
Thursday, December 3, 2020
Wednesday, December 2, 2020
I convinced myself that I was a logical woman who could consider this information about having been cheated on, about his not wearing a condom, and I could separate it from the current reality of our life together.
Why did I need to know that we’d been monogamous? Why did I need to have and discuss inconvenient feelings about this ancient history?
I would not be a woman who needed these things, I decided.
I would need less. And less.
I got very good at this.
One of our dear secret sisters sent me the link to The Crane Wife. I remember there was a flurry of interest when it first came out in the summer. No surprise. It's beautifully written. But also, I suspect, it resonates with so many of us, whether we've been cheated on by a romantic partner or not. Because though the writer tells her story from the chronological point of post-infidelity, the story speaks more to the ways in which she cheated herself all the way through the relationship. The ways in which she made herself small. The ways in which she tried to earn her place in a relationship, as so many of us do, by some sort of weird math that is all addition on his side and subtraction on her own. We take away our wants, we remove our needs, we censor our thoughts, we silence our dreams.
"There are ways to be wounded and ways to survive those wounds, but no one can survive denying their own needs," the writer tells us. But that doesn't stop us, does it? In fact, far too many of us convince ourselves that the survival of our marriage rests entirely on our ability to deny our needs. I certainly did. My needs ranged from the mundane to the existential, from needing my husband home in the evenings to relieve me from the mind-numbing exhaustion of life with a difficult baby to needing to feel seen. And when my husband seemed unwilling or unable to meet those needs, I didn't leave. I concluded that the problem wasn't him, the problem was my needs and my own inability to stifle them.
There was an interesting Twitter thread recently in which the tweeter noted that skills she'd gained growing up in an abusive/dysfunctional home have served her well during this pandemic. For instance, she felt always capable of hope, no matter how hopeless things seemed. She could fill long empty days. I could have written that Twitter thread because my experience was so similar. But the thing is, what helps us survive in unhealthy situations is so often about denying needs. Which is a survival skill but not a life skill. Or, as Esther Perel puts it, "where did you learn to live on crumbs?"
If infidelity offers us any gifts (and the rose-colored glasses I wear convinces me it does), it is the opportunity to reimagine how we're living our lives, to ask ourselves if we are getting what we need and, if not, to ensure that we do. Our marriage can survive when we deny our needs but we can't. And if, post-infidelity, we have decided that we are going to show up in our marriage in a way that honors who we are and insists on respect and honesty and integrity, then we cannot continue to deny our needs. For some of us, that means spending time figuring out what our needs actually are. Years of pretending we had none can leave us baffled at what our needs are. Taking the time to get to know ourselves again can be another gift we give ourselves after betrayal. What makes me light up? How have I sold myself short? What is and is not okay with me? Only by acknowledging and tending to our own needs can we begin to show up, whole, in a marriage.
"Who was I to want more?" the writer asks, in The Crane Wife. What we learn, post-betrayal, is that the real question is "Who am I to settle for less?"