Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Step #1 in saving your marriage

Establish No Contact

If your husband wants you to even consider sticking around his cheating self, then he needs to establish NO CONTACT with his affair partner and that starts right NOW. No negotiation. He makes a phone call and follows it up with a letter. He must state unequivocally that the affair was wrong and that it’s over. He must make it clear that there is to be absolutely no contact going forward. Of course, there are going to be complications. My husband worked with his affair partner and it was messy (and expensive) to extricate her from our lives. The BWC has heard of affairs with sisters, sisters-in-law, kids’ teachers, coaches, professors… So, let me add this: When possible, there must be NO CONTACT with the affair partner, especially by the offending (offensive!) party.

The catch is, you need to respect the No Contact agreement too. No drink-and-dial phone calls to tell her she’s a bitch (on some level, she knows). No nasty e-mails. No FaceBook postings designed to be inflammatory. No snarky remarks when you run into her at the PTA meeting. Your issue is not with her, but with your husband. He’s the one who made promises to you. Just hope the whole experience has been sufficiently painful for her to resolve to NEVER again get involved with a married man. Don’t count on it…but hope nonetheless.


  1. When I wrote the OW to ask her who she was really seeing, my husband or his cousin as he claimed, she said my husband. She apologized because she said he told her he was divorced and that I was a scorned woman. My first response back to her was I didn't want to hear her excuses, as far as I was concerned both he and her were lying cheating whores. When we spoke on the phone the following weekend she said that my words really hurt her because it wasn't like that. I told her I was sorry. Later on though, I found out it was just a big act on her part....the OW left her husband for mine, and then went on to cheat on my husband......ironic?

  2. What if his reason was it has been a long time .. so he needs time to get over it..etc..five years..

    its like the after effects of a breakup..

    he was asked to cut all contact.. but he kept texting her.
    He said. But i wasnt sleeping with her anymore. Just casual contact. Are we so weak?

    1. Iliss,

      I'll say it again…create strong boundaries and stick with them. No contact means NO CONTACT. None. Nothing. Nada. It doesn't mean whatever the hell he wants it to mean. He's infuriating me. I hope he's infuriating you too! You are NOT weak, you just need to strengthen your backbone. Teach your children what it looks like when a woman treats herself with self-respect…and refuses to let a man disrespect her.


  3. My husband told me there was not contact but continued seeing her and texting her for months until the OW called to meet with me. I'm assuming he now has no contact but he was lying that whole time so who knows.



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