Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Crazy-making: When lies seem truth and truth seem lies

I was lucky -- if you can call it that. When I confronted my husband, I got the truth. Sorta. It took a long, protracted phone call and increasing threats ("If you want this marriage, you will tell me EVERYTHING!"). It took a therapist insisting to him that he come completely clean. But, because even he was sick of his double life, he was ready to tell me the truth.
One BWC member, Sandra, spent years feeling something was up between her husband and his business partner. The two were close. Travelled together for business. Acted flirty when together. But her concerns were dismissed as "crazy". She was "jealous" of "too suspicious." Six months after her son was born, her husband returned home late one night and announced he wanted out of the marriage. But still no disclosure. It took another year before he could admit they were living together and utter an apology, directed at the floor. Turns out she wasn't crazy at all.
If you suspect your husband is cheating but he's insisting he's not, you're either right...or delusional. And most of us know exactly where we are on that continuum. I'm often asked what I've learned from this whole experience and I say, without hesitation, "I've learned to trust my instincts."
So often as women we dismiss our gut feelings. And others are often complicit in it. I confided in a few friends about my suspicions and was assured that my husband "would never do that." I'm sure their intentions were good. Finally, another friend asked me simply, "what do you know?" upon which I laid out all my "evidence" -- which didn't amount to much more than a gut feeling. Her response? "I think you're right."
That was all I needed to confront.
My advice to you if you're wondering if you know what you think you know? Trust your gut, but gather as much evidence as you can because many men act like cornered cats. They'll deny, hiss, fight back, accuse you. Get cell phone records, hide a voice activated recorder if possible, ask around at work, with friends... Find the weak link and use it.
Then, buckle up. You're in for a rough ride.


  1. After finding out about the longer term woman a month ago (and he finally admitted to it and he said it was over), there was something that was still bothering me. Even though it does sound like I was pain shopping, I started my internet detective work to see if he was really done. I did find out there's at least one more woman that he had a short term thing with a couple of months ago, while seeing the long term GF.....she gave me his screen name for the dating site they met on and I found out he was in several more dating sites (he'd say he was single or divorced)! The long term woman said he was with someone else (not me) when they met. So, I'm guessing there's been at least 3 in the last 2 years. I no longer want to dig because I don't want to know anymore....but I did let him know I know about the new one and the dating sites. I told him I had a gut feeling that there was more to it....and I was right! We did separate 2 times for a couple of months in the last 2 years for other reasons. This is when he started this behavior. We've been togther almost 9 years.

  2. Anonymous,

    Where are things at this point? Is he still dodging and weaving regarding his activities? Until he's prepared to come completely clean and tell you everything you need to know, you simply can't reconcile. It won't work.
    Is he in any kind of therapy? Have you installed a keylogger or anything to monitor his Web use? Will he consent to you checking up on him?
    He needs to acknowledge what he's been doing (is he a sex addict? Does he offer up any rationale -- however ridiculous -- for his online activities?) and take steps to assure you he won't again.
    In the meantime, hang in there. It can feel like being bombarded...which it is.
    Make sure you're taking care of yourself as best you can. Please!



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