It's called "hysterical bonding" though there's nothing particularly funny about it. It refers to the surprisingly common phenomenon following discovery of a spouse's adultery to suddenly crave sex with that person morning, noon and night. I confess (TMI coming...this is your warning), I gave my husband a blow-job within a half-hour of learning he'd cheated on me.
WTF?? At the time, it seemed I was like a dog staking out my territory. We then proceeded to put Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's honeymoon shenanigans to shame with the sheer quantity and variety of our love-making.
Then, as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, leaving a shaking, incoherent, grief-stricken me...wondering what the hell that was all about. And, by the way, ewwwww...
According to the experts, many couples dealing with infidelity engage in hysterical bonding, in part as a path toward intimacy and reconciliation. While there's still a LOT of work to be done, it does get the ball rolling – so to speak. :)
It can leave the betrayed spouse feeling bewildered and perhaps betrayed by her own body. "How can I want him?" we ask ourselves.
Part of it, of course, is about taking back what we feel is ours. It's a primal thing, kinda like clubbing him on the head and dragging him back to our cave (the clubbing on the head part is very tempting. Refrain.). At the same time, it can also be our way of soothing ourselves. Betrayal is traumatizing by anyone's estimation. And with trauma comes a primal way of seeking comfort. It can seem very disconcerting to be seeking comfort in the arms of the very person who betrayed us. But, if reconciliation is even on your radar, it makes sense to turn to that person.
Whatever the reason, it's a reality for many couples. There seems no harm in it with one caveat:
Use protection, i.e. a condom. This guy might swear he always used them during his affair(s). Or that they only kissed. Whatever, as my 11-year-old might say. Your husband isn't exactly the Dalai Lama at this point in time so I wouldn't trust a whole lot of what he says. The only way to be sure he's "clean" is testing. In the meantime, protect yourself.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Thank god for this article. I thought I was going crazy!
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going crazy to I could never put into words how I felt. Or still fill. Right now setting here I think I'm cracking up. After his whores with unprotected sex he came home to me. It will be 3 months Tues. I have no clue where I fit in this game he's playing but I would love to have passionate sex with him right now and we've already been treated for Chlamydia. Help I think I'm dieing? ?? Where do I go from here? My h. dosen't seam to have much of need for me. We planned to make love today but I carried the phone in to ask him a question and because my best friend heard the music he was listening to he got mad and now refuses to talk to me. Another day lossing more ground that I thought I was gaining. I know he's upset at the thoughts of our 3 months blood test coming up Tuesday. The first test was to soon to get results. After 38 years of marriage condoms are not easy to get use to. Can anyone give me a safe time so we don't have to worry about 61 and 68 year olds practicing safe sex lol. I could just cry thinking about this hole mess. On top of it all I could go in and attack him right now. I'm so thankful I found these help sites. Thanks for giving me a place to vent that makes me at ease in my own body.
DeleteI'm glad i found my answer! I'm only 27 and 6 months ago he cheated on me (one time) and I just found out about it a week ago. At that time in June, I was depressed & libido was non existent for months! After I found out, I was devastated.. He broke down & cried the next day & we had amazing raw sex after (I know, corny) but now? I'm hornier than ever! I can't get enough.. It's all I think about. I do not want this to go away ever! Even when he just kisses me or hugs me I start feeling heat. I know this is too much info but it's so freaking weird!
DeleteI was a cheating husband. Why? My wife slowly started withdrawing from me affection, intimacy or placing all sorts of conditions on intimacy. (she also suffers from a mental illness that drives that - we didn't not know then). We were both to blame for my affair.
DeleteThat said... Her renewed sex drive within a week of her finding out about the affair was confusing. Where was this woman for the past several years? Where was she when I just wanted a hug or a kiss and at other times sexual intimacy? I get that it was her sticking a flag in me again, but why did it take an affair for her to react that way? Why did it take the trauma of an affair?
Now, of course that level of passion tapered off over the next few weeks or so...
Counseling is what helped us greatly. Strongly suggest it.
Cheating husband. Do you regret cheating on her? Are you faithful now?
DeleteMy husband of 4 years was cheating on me for a year, unprotected sex with 1 woman he didn't care about, while I was pregnant raising our 2 other kids together.
He says he has changed and wants to work through things but I'm finding it so hard to wrap my head around why he did it, what caused it and why I even should forgive him.
I find myself tempted to cheat on him now, if only to make him cry the way I did
Unknown,
DeleteThat temptation is strong, I know. But I suspect it would only make you disappointed in yourself.
You get to decide whether he gets that second chance. You can give it some time if you're unsure which way to go. But I would urge you not to complicate things further (and hurt other people besides your husband) with a revenge affair.
I was a cheating husband. Why? My wife slowly started withdrawing from me affection, intimacy or placing all sorts of conditions on intimacy. (she also suffers from a mental illness that drives that - we didn't not know then). We were both to blame for my affair.
DeleteNo, you are to blame for the affair. Your wife sure as hell didn't give you permission. The state of the marriage prior to your infidelity, now she can share her responsibility in that - but you made the choice to put your wandering dick inside another woman, just be good enough to admit it.
Exactly!
DeleteCheating husband. I'm so sorry to tell you but she was not the reason YOU CHEATED. no one put a gun to your head and said go have sex with another woman because your wife won't have sex right now. That is the absolute lamest excuse for cheating I have heard yet. When you cheated, you are the one that decided to seek out another woman, your wife had NO SAY SO WHATSOEVER! Because I quarentee if you would have asked first she would have said HELL NO! . I hope with your counseling you found the real reason you cheated on her. Because when someone cheats it's because they have thought about it before and finally just said fuck it and did it. And after getting caught they fine every excuse in the book to try and make the other feel like they pushed them to do it. But really that was all you buddy.
DeleteCheating Husband, I appreciate your honesty. I am a Cheating Wife. People do not often realize how traumatizing a sexless marriage is.
DeleteI have heard the analogy that cheating is like a bullet to a marriage; a dead bed is like cancer.
That was certainly the experience for me. I went without sex for 7 years- him adamantly refusing to acknowledge he needs help- before we officially opened up our marriage. The betrayal, how detrimental it is to our self esteem when we wonder if it is us, the lack of bond, the overwhelming tears that come without warning... Fidelity is when a couple is sexually faithful to each other. Cheating may be the most blatant form of infidelity, but so is a sexless marriage.
I would encourage anyone that makes a quick judgement on Cheating Husband to further investigate the topic of a dead bedroom. Suggested keywords "dead bedroom" or "sexless marriage".
Our marital problems were both our fault. I admit my part and he admits his. When he says I drove him to her, I want to strangle him. We both are responsible for our marriage problems, but he showed his character and integrity by HIS choice to go elsewhere rather than either trying to talk to me (as I had tried to do for years) or having the balls to LEAVE. CHEATING is NOT an excuse and sure as hell isn't the fault of the betrayed spouse. http://yourqueenisin.blogspot.com
DeleteUnknown, I've been in your situation. People told me the same bs someone here told you: not to do it because you'd feel really bad. My therapist told me this too. Well, I stupidly waited over a year to make a decision about whether to cheat back or not. In that time, the cheating continued from my husband, not fully beknownst to me at the time, yes even while I was paying for us to attend marriage counseling the whole time. I ended up cheating a few times and never felt more vindicated. anyone who said I'd feel bad was totally wrong.
DeleteYeah – weirdest thing, isn't it? I thought I was nuts, too.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, enjoy it while it lasts...with the caveat that you protect yourself.
Thanks for clarifying this - I was so ashamed I jumped straight into having sex with my husband the night I found out.
ReplyDeleteOmg this was me and last night after 3 weeks of raw sex we made love and it was full of passion and heat.. i cant remember the last time we did this
DeleteIt's bizarre how often the betrayed spouse feels ashamed...ashamed that we're interested in sex with our cheating spouses, ashamed that we didn't figure out the affair was happening, ashamed that others knew and we didn't, etc. etc. Believe me, the only person feeling shame should be the person who betrayed you.
ReplyDeleteAnd though the hysterical bonding can feel good, it can also bring to the surface a whole lot of conflicting emotions...so be prepared.
I thought we're we're going nuts. I didn't think we were normal. Is this normal? Thank god it has a name to it. It went on for 6 months. Night an day. The amount has cooled off but the passion hasn't. He didn't physically touch anyone but the emails an the words tore my heart an soul out an blew my world apart. Every time he touched me I felt sick. Afterwards I felt even sicker. Is this normal? I still haven't got my head or my emotions straightened out yet. I need counseling.
DeleteYes, it's certainly "normal" under the circumstances. Betrayal triggers all sorts of very primal feelings -- rejection, fear and strong need for reassurance. Hysterical bonding can contribute a lot to re-establishing that bond between the two of you. It's a natural way to re-establish intimacy. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons -- ie. not because you think you have to to "keep" him.
DeleteAnd yes, counselling post-betrayal is a smart thing to do.
My spouse claims that he has never had sex of any kind with a mother woman. I have found emails to other women that are etched in my brain. My D Day was May 4, 2014 and I too was obsessed with having sex with him! My BFF kept telling me to not sleep with him and I was too ashamed to tell her I HAD to for me! All the time we were having sex I was thinking of the things he had said to countless women and would wind up in a sobbing heap on the bed. Pretty pathetic actually! For a year he swore he never met any of these women even though I have found phone calls to one particular women that span five years! I recently learned of another one from 2005 to 2010 that he swore he never met. Last week he admitted to do some work on her house just once but that was it. Then he admitted to twice and now we're at three times! He drove two hours to Las Vegas to do maintenance work on her house for free and two hours back home three times. Meanwhile the phone calls between the two of them are on a daily basis and numerous times a day for five years! I told him no one keeps up communication like that for five years w/o getting something out of it but he swears he has never had sex with anyone else in our 25 years together. I don't believe him, he has proved himself to be a liar! I have the emails (oh, how I wish I could get my hands on the texts!). I hate him as much as I love him, how sick is that?
DeleteINC,
DeleteI don't think, frankly, whether it matters that he did or didn't have sex with this woman. He was having an affair with her -- a secret relationship that was outside of his marriage and THAT is what's driving you crazy. Getting into the did he/didn't he is almost beside the point. He lied. He deceived you. He spent a LOT of emotional energy on someone who wasn't you. THAT is the problem.
If he's still in contact with her, it needs to stop.
As for finding out whether he actually did have sex with her, you can always insist on a lie detector test. But, again, affairs comes in all shapes and sizes. But make no mistake -- he was having one.
Bullshit. She was not to blame for your affair. You could have made hundreds of other choices that did NOT involve you sleeping with other people. Ridiculous. Of course you'll say, "Spoken like a jilted wife." Which I am. However, in keeping with this topic, yes I'm horny as hell. Things are over between my husband and I though. He lives here but he might as well be in anther world. He is cruel and vindictive and I want him all the same. But I'm holding back to avoid humiliation. Bought my first vibrator today, just let me live through this.
DeleteJG,
DeleteYour vibrator will never cheat on you! Nor will it be cruel and vindictive. Not sure why he's still living with you but I suspect the sooner you're on your own, the better. Hang in there.
Yep, we've definitely experienced the hysterical bonding thing...but I don't like the term. It makes it sound crazy and irrational and like that kind of bonding "shouldn't count."
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I asked my H for sex the night after I found out. I was at a bar, drinking my sorrows away (not my usual behavior), and texted him to tell him where I was in case he wanted to join me. After we hung out at the bar for a while, I said to him, "It isn't fair that the last time we made love, I didn't know it would be THE LAST TIME we'd ever make love. Just give me one more night." Well, that night, we connected in a way that we hadn't in a long, long, long time. I will never forget that moment, and I think it was a key moment in the beginning of our recovery.
It is weird, isn't it? Counter-intuitive. And yet, I think you're right in that it can be key in the steps toward recovery. There's something raw and primal about it (at the risk of sounding like I'm marketing soft-core porn!) that seems to make it...matter.
ReplyDeleteI was crazy for sex for three months after discovery. I made a conscious decision to be selfish-just as he was selfish. It certainly brought us closer and we are working as a team on making the marriage better.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was the same. And it was the best sex of our marriage!
ReplyDeleteSadly, it didn't last and I started letting the mind-movies rule my brain. Still struggling to delete them from my sex drive (to offer up a rather convoluted metaphor!).
Hahaha! This is a very old post, but that is a fantastic convoluted metaphor. Definitely remember that one :D
DeleteHahaha!! This is an old post but I had to comment, just so I don't forget this fantastic convoluted metaphor. :D hope you've given your hard drive a good clean over the last 6 years, whoever you are :D
DeleteThought I was going crazy....makes me feel better to know that this craving sex with my husband does in fact go on to this degree with others. sad to think it won't last...damn it has been so awesome...never ever been this good. I am being selfish and have told him he does not deserve any of this great sex or deserve me.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I'm not crazy. I didn't understand how I could want to be with my husband after I found out he had been with another woman. Looking back on those first 3 weeks after finding out kinda makes me sick. I almost feel like the fact that i slept with him made him think I would get over all this so quickly.
ReplyDeleteWe all thought we were going crazy. And yes, I think our husbands (or ex-husbands, as the case may be) do think that it means we'll get over it quickly. I think my husband breathed a huge sigh of relief...along the lines of "well, glad you're okay now." Uh...not so much. Don't confuse sex with forgiveness, gentlemen.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was wondering what was wrong with me. My sex drive hasn't been like this in years...it's the oddest, oddest thing. I found out one night, then told him I wanted one last "time" the following night. The connection was nothing like we had ever experienced before. It's so, so weird. I'm only 2-3 days post DDay, so not sure where the path will lead...hardest thing I have ever been through...sigh
ReplyDeleteI just found out about the cheating 2 weeks ago, and the libido has been raging almost since then. At first it seemed pathetic, but then he reached out in apology/regret. Then I really started going nuts. I didn't say anything to him, but he brought up his own feelings. Then we sexted. He wanted to come over, but I said no. I want to desperately, but I feel weird about partaking in behavior so like his infidelity. If this keeps up, though, it's either going to be him or some poor stranger off the street.
ReplyDeleteI just found out about this on a support group site. I totally was wondering why I wanted to have sex with this guy after so many months of NOT wanting it at all! I'm not crazy after all.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. I thought I was making up for all those times I didn't want him touching me.
DeleteWas the affair because of all those times you wouldn't let hi touch you?
DeleteAll these comments are exactly what I am going thru.. it's been 3 months and I still crave sex from my H, my question: Does this desire end? I hope not... :( or my H and I will be back in the same boat we were last year, bored and miserable.
ReplyDeleteI am almost 5 months out and I hate to tell you, but for met at least, it just ended. I read the comments up to this point and I could relate to so many: I never wanted my H so bad, we have had the best sex in our marriage (maybe in our lives), we have made love every day and it didn't seem like enough, etc. But a few days ago, I began to look at him and, instead of desire, I felt disgust. And the thought of him touching me made me nauseous. I thought of all the times he told "her" that she was beautiful and sexy and that he wanted her so bad, and it just made me sick. It was like I was numb for the past 4 months and feeling started coming back to me and that feeling was a new kind of pain. Maybe it doesn't happen for everyone. I hope your passion remains. I hope with all my heart that mine returns. I would like to know if , like hysterical blindness, the scales just fall off and we finally are seeing clearly. Sorry to be the bummer in the midst of all this joy. But you asked if this desire ends. And, for me, it did.
DeleteAnon,
DeleteIt also ended for me. And, I suspect, will end for most of us. Few can sustain that level of sexual activity. It can be an important way of reconnecting in the midst of so much pain. But it's certainly no substitute for doing the hard work of rebuilding a marriage on something more than sex.
Elle
So true, it really worries me that for 38 in two months 39 years of marriage and that seams to be the best part of our marriage. We are hardly apart but it seams like we have taken a giant leap back in time. It's so strange how life works because that has been my biggest fear as he gets older that he would revert back in time and how in the world would I handle it. He was from the time we got married he has been almost impossible to live with at times. Both of our daughter's has begged me to come live with them. They love there dad they just don't like him a lot. I've told them time and again you just don't know how good that he is to me now. With his 4 bypasses and diabetes I'm very worried about him having Alzimers. I still wish our Dr.'s would take this more seriously than he is. With all I've dealt with him all these years I never once thought of all the things he would every do is go out and pick up prostitutes. You would have to know him before now he wouldn't touch food that l had eaten off of. Now he eats things that I've thrown in the garbage. I try and hide in the garbage. He refuses to let me use the garbage disposal any more. I'm not making any excuses for him but it's driving me crazy. He really is having a hard time with aging. Tomorrow he will be 68. Knowing all this his having sex with prostitutes is still killing me. He wouldn't be caught dead going to counseling. He never would. I've went several times but it's never helped me much . Counseling has put more stress on me than it has ever helped. I've been better in the last few days since I've found this site than I've been all summer.
DeleteWow! You are so talking about me! I just can't stay away from my husband. He has always been very good at what he does but now, I enjoy it even more and want him more than ever! That is the one thing that I will miss the most if our marriage ever comes to an end. I know there are plenty of other men out there that may be better then him, but when you have been with someone as long as I have and you both have learned everything from each other, then it is hard to even think about it with anyone else.
ReplyDeleteI made love to my husband after going to a strip club for a year straight and texting the strippers daily. I was so mad at first I THOUGHT, I was going to kill him. He even bought his favorite stripper gifts 3 times, I found the bills, and checked his phone texts for the year and his bank records. but here I was a month later, last night, in bed with him having the best sex ever, doing things like I was the stripper..We did not make love for 2 years, I pushed him away.. Do you think we are doing this because we are Jealous now.. like we needed our man to look good again.. I think that is what's going on in my case....
Deleteya, weird, intense and conflicting emotions come up in my hysterical bonding. things like, i want to be held, i want to be punished, i want to be soothed, i want to dominate, i feel lost, i want to be in control, i feel insecure, i feel sexy, we shouldn't be doing this, let's do it again, get away from me, come closer, i hate you, i love you. thank you for writing this blog, and thanks to all the other women who posted comments so that i don't feel like i'm going crazy. do you have any other blogs on how to navigate sex after d-day?
ReplyDelete"Conflicting emotions" indeed. It truly is crazy.
ReplyDeleteI've blogged at other times on sex after betrayal. It's a minefield, from my experience. It has taken almost five years and I finally feel as though sex is no longer an issue. For too long, there were ghosts in bed with us – of women he'd been with, women I wondered if he'd been with, not to mention all of the insecurities in me triggered by the betrayal.
We're still working hard to create physical intimacy that is separate from sex. It's more complicated for us than for some others because my husband was a sex addict. Sex was essentially a way of "medicating" himself from feelings that he simply wasn't emotionally able to handle. So our sex life was always a bit wrought with challenges...but I'm hoping that's finally behind us.
What kind of help did he receive for the addiction? We are facing this issue right now
Delete10 years,
DeleteMy husband spent at least a year with a certified sex addiction counsellor. His whole practice was working with men with sex addiction. He was fantastic. But my husband also went to a 12-step sex addiction recovery program, worked with someone to help him with his anxiety and he did EMDR. So...lots of counselling for a couple of years.
I'm so glad I found this explanation of what is going on. Like others who've commenting, the sex we had after D-Day was the best sex we've ever had--and that's saying something. I don't think he's ever been that present with me.
ReplyDeleteIt's been weird and great and painful and I've felt very conflicted about it. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one.
Your use of the word "present" is interesting. That's exactly how I felt. LIke he was really actually THERE. He looked straight in my eyes and was completely focussed on me. Which was such a change from our normal sex, during which, once I really thought about it, he was kinda...off in his own world.
ReplyDeleteSadly, that hasn't lasted and we're back to trying to figure this out. But it was sure nice while it lasted...
Could that be the ' hysterical ' or newly reactive part of the act. I felt that he was more attentive and passionate than ever, but as the weeks went by, I could see it reverting to the same old same old...
DeleteIn the desperate moments of hurt and pain...I craved to be held, hugged and comforted. He was available and interested. I do feel used, but participated willingly.
I have been looking up sex after betrayal etc..and found HB. Relieved that there is a name for my behavior. I am being sincere here so please don't attack me.
ReplyDelete"I am ashamed of how I responded to being betrayed/destroyed by this man" by letting him physically use me in a passionate act that was clearly purely physical. Oh he was apologetic and ashamed after I found out what he was doing for 3 years, but I still feel used. I did go along with it, I may have even initiated sx, but out of my emotional pain - confusion and a need to be held and comforted. In the moment it seemed right, but later it seemed fake and so shallow. True comfort and love come from being treated with respect, love and kindness; not from a physical act that can induce limited moments of pleasure.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to feel ashamed for something that is a natural response to pain – a desire for comfort and closeness. There's probably all sorts of other emotional stuff in there too – a need to claim what's ours, etc. But there's little point in overanalyzing. It is what it is... and in the short-term it can offer comfort. It can also open the door to reconciliation but shouldn't be confused with reconciliation.
At this point, chalk it up to something many of us experience. No shame, no judgement.
Elle
Dear Elle,
ReplyDeleteI am new to this site. Today..actually, but I have found so much information and real explanations of what is happening on a personal, physical and emotional level to the person who was betrayed and deceived in a relationship built on trust.
Thank you..for many of your thoughts.." no shame, no judgement" and for understanding that there is so much more that is boiling beneath the surface for all of us.
Posting on this blog and inviting others travelling the same path has been incredibly good for me – by articulating my emotions to all of you, it has really helped me to understand what I'm doing to stand in my own way, and what I need to do to heal. I strongly encourage anyone going through this to keep a journal. For one thing, when we're feeling stuck, it can really help to see the shock and pain we were initially in...and how it slowly becomes more of an ache than a stab. And it's also helpful to write down what we're doing and where we're at because often our mis-steps (or our spouse's) become so much clearer on paper than in our heads.
DeleteSo...you're welcome. But thank-you, too. Hope you'll stick around and contribute to the conversation. More than anything, we need each other to lean on and guide each other forward.
"Wow" is all I can say after coming across this blog. I was freaking out wondering why I had such intense desire for my cheating husband, just a week after finding out about his affair. I even lied to my therapist, because I was so ashamed to admit that I was having (and enjoying) sex with him again. We are seeking counseling together and are meeting with the MC for the first time this week and are hoping to reconcile. I am one of those wives who lived by the mantra "if my husband ever cheats, I'm outta here." Well, I've found out that it just isn't that easy. I am a conflicted mess about all my feelings. While I am hoping that this new found libido will last, I had a feeling there was some psychological reason for it, even though it feels very physiological.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found us. It is comforting to know you're not losing your mind, isn't it??
DeleteSounds like you're doing everything you need to.
And yes, many of us were wives who would "never put up with cheating." Life has a funny way of making us eat our words.
Your feelings will sort out...it's a huge shock. Many of us consider ourselves "post-trauma" because of how messed up we become in the aftermath. A betrayal of this magnitude does some serious damage...but with time, you can heal.
Hang in there. Keep posting if you'd like. We're glad you're here. Not glad you need us...but glad you're here.
I am so glad I found this site. It's been less than a week since I discovered my husband was sleeping around with multiple men for the last 6 years of our 13 year marriage. And we've had sex everyday since except today, sometimes more than once. And we are more of a once a week kind of couple. I feel totally crazy like I can't stand for him to be away from my side or I have panic attacks and the only thing that calms me down is him. It seems so wrong. And part of me feels like we are on the road to recovery (we are starting counseling this week) but part of me feels like I am enabling him and letting him off too easy and it will come back to bite me. My emotions go from numbness, to despair, to horny, to panic, to disgust, to feeling kinda normal, to a crushing pain in my chest and then repeat all. I don't know if I am coming or going but it's good to know I am not totally crazy for craving the physical intimacy with him so quickly.
ReplyDeleteTiffany,
DeleteI'm glad you found us, too. It does seem crazy to have a different emotion every five minutes but crazy is the new normal. At least for next while. And while I think the hysterical bonding can start you on the road to recovery (at least by reminding each of you that you're capable of offering each other passion and comfort) but the road is LONG... The good news is that it provides the opportunity to "renovate" your relationship -- to figure out what was working and what wasn't. Both of which will help you feel safer in a relationship that has had betrayal.
You've got some tough issues to deal with -- not only the infidelity but the homosexual infidelity. My husband, too, slept with men (but not exclusively) and we had to really explore the possibility that he was gay. At the least, he's bisexual though he says he's not attracted to "men"...just the easy quick sex that men offer (confuses the hell out of me if I think too hard about it).
And don't worry about letting him off too easy. By the time you're through healing, he'll have "earned" you back. Of course, it's not that black and white. But if he's willing to really dig deep and find out why he did this and what he can to ensure he doesn't go down that path again, he'll have done some very difficult, emotional and painful work.
Hang in there. You'll continue to go through a lot of moods, though you might settle down longer in each one – often the "down" moods: sadness, depression, despair, panic, anxiety, fear. But, as they say, "when you're going through hell, keep going." You'll get there, "there" being a place of acceptance and healing.
Elle
It is so good to know that someone else has dealt with the "other man" problem. My H has only slept with men, but he did cheat with women through the internet, etc. He also said the same thing about it just being the easiest way to get sex and that if a woman had actually taken him up on the flirting he was doing, he'd probably have done that, too. I am so confused and hurt and everything else you've already said. How long does it take to feel like you aren't a human roller coaster? I know I am going to have to set boundaries and but I don't even know how to start? Did you and your H separate or where you able to work through all of this while still living together?
DeleteWe didn't separate but that was in large part because we have three kids who were young enough that I could keep hidden what was going on. They knew we were going through a "problem" but nothing further.
DeleteIs your husband seeking counselling? What does he say about why he was engaging in sex with men?
I would definitely recommend that you get counselling too -- someone to help you navigate the setting of boundaries. Things are going to come up that you might not anticipate now and it's great to have an objective listener who can know everything about what you're going through (rather than stuff you might censor for friends/family) and offer up strategies that keep you going.
I was a human roller coaster for at least a year, probably closer to two. Most estimates say three to five years to truly get past this and, for me, it was definitely five. Seems like forever, I know, when you're just finding out. And not every day is hell for those five years...but to truly be able to say you've moved past the pain, it's a long, long time.
And though I don't think I'll ever be someone who says my husband's affairs were a good thing or gave us a better marriage or whatever, I can now simply accept that they're part of who we are today...and that's okay.
Hang in there. I'm happy to share my experience. The "men" thing does complicate things. In my husband's case, he was (is?) a sex addict so he was after sex in any shape or form. It was the physical release he was after and it took more and riskier sex as time went on to give him the same escape. Bizarre world out there... :)
Discovering this page has been a huge relief - I found out this week that my husband of 20 years has been going on Craigslist regularly and fantasizing about the male ads on there, always had to be people who were nearby too so not just fantasy, almost as if he was cruising. He says he resisted actually contacting anyone and I believe him, but to find out this secret feeling that he has had for over a year was devastating. And since then I have felt insatiable lust for him and our sex life has been unbelievable. I thought I was going mad! but to know that there are so many others out there with the same reaction makes me feel so much better. It has brought us closer, and he really wants to mend things so fingers crossed the great sex will last and we can move on, though I feel almost as if I am moving too fast by wanting sex all the time.
DeleteAnd like Elle, he says it was just purely physical release he wanted, and the 'buzz' of looking at taboo and risky sex. As she says, bizarre world.
I'm so glad somebody defined this behavior -- increased libido after learning of husband's infidelity. I was wondering, "what is wrong with me that I'm turned on, after this hideous betrayal has come out?" And then on top of that, to feel guilty, as if I just betrayed & abandoned MYSELF if I have any type of s*xual interaction with him at all! Now I know this is an actual "thing" out there that other women feel too. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteNothing "wrong" with you at all. Glad you found us! And please, leave guilt to the person who SHOULD be feeling it.
DeleteElle
I found out 5 days ago. The first few days were a daze, and I didn't want him near me, or even to look at me. Then something clicked, probably when we decided we'd try to work on reconciliation. I needed comfort and to feel loved and secure. We've been going crazy having sex since then. Several times at night, then in the morning. And my desire is so strong...very strange.
ReplyDeleteLike others, I hadn't been attracted to him for years, probably sensing what was going on. This Hysterical Bonding has been nice, but I'm afraid of where I'll be left when it's over. And I'm afraid he'll think sex equals forgiveness, despite the fact that i'm being very clear that isn't the case. Thanks for this article, it was really helpful.
I'm glad it helped. Anything that makes you feel less crazy and less alone in those early post-D-Day days is a good thing.
DeleteHang in there. We're here when you need us.
Elle
I was so proud of my behavior when I found out about my husband's affair. I spoke with the girl, told her that I forgive her. Told my husband I loved him and wanted to work things out. He was ridden with guilt. I wanted to comfort HIM. I also was inexplicably attracted to him and we were having sex 3-4 times a day. Before, it was maybe twice a month.( Mind you, he would turn Me away in the past.)
ReplyDeleteWell,several weeks passed and we grew closer.I then found out through e-mail from 3rd party my husband and "girlfriend" had just spent the day together. I was forwarded an e-mail from my husband to this girl. He exclaimed his love for her said he would miss her and always wonder what may have been.
All this WHILE we were going through "hysterical bonding". He ended up with dishes thrown at him and a broken nose. (A girl can only take so much).
All this behavior was so utterly out of character for my husband,that I started researching the bipolar disorder that we thought had been under control for years. Now HE is in counseling,(I have no insurance)dealing with his intimacy issues,abusive childhood, and abandonment issues.
The hysterical bonding continued while I tried to decipher "WHO" actually had the affair....the disease, the hurt boy, my husband.
I will add this was a non-sexual affair. Or so they agreed to tell everyone.It took a month for full disclosure of events of the affair. NONE of it coming freely from my husband. He says it all just seems like a bad dream and he was acting out a role.
Sex or no sex, it's the deception that hurts the most.
I have survived and been content reading a lot and my mantra has been to learn from my trials. Again,I was very uplifted by my emotional evolution and ability to "let go" of my anger.
Fast forward to today.I am enraged. Want to hunt down girl and rip her to shreds. Look at my husband and see him looking into her eyes. Unfortunately, technology now allows us to obsess over the image of the lover...FB. I look at her everyday, and although I know I'm a very attractive women, looking at a girl 11 years my junior makes me feel old and fragile. I'm 37.
In conclusion, this is my experience with what happens after "hysterical bonding" occurs. Pretty much just back to hysterical. Hoping it ends soon.
I think you're experience – that your husband's affair was the result of untreated mental health issues – is not uncommon. I think a lot of people (women included) use it as a form of self-medicating. It's distracting, exciting, even soothing.
DeleteNonetheless, nobody blames you for being enraged. It's enraging to be so mistreated, no matter the reason.
Feel the anger as long as you need to. You've got plenty of reason to be furious. Eventually you'll notice that it's tapering off. Like an inferno, it will start to sputter and eventually die off. And you'll sometimes feel nothing, or intense sadness, or even euphoria. This ride is a roller coaster and there's little predictable about the dips and rises...except that you'll feel it all, often in a short period of time.
Try not to manage your husband's recovery and simply focus on yourself -- what you need, and what you want. That's your full-time job right now. Taking care of yourself.
Elle
Thank you for words of encouragement. Today I asked to attend my husband's counseling session with him.
DeleteLong story short-Therapist said an affair is always a result of a poor relationship and that it can NOT be one sided. My husband stood up for me and said that I had always been patient, loving, passionate, and forgiving.I had suggested readings that might help him through his self-hatred(long before affair) and been supportive of any endeavor that he had chosen. He then called me,'a perfect wife'."
Obviously, I am not PERFECT. I was proud of my husband and feel he was genuine. I AM a good wife and mother and am proud of this. I am Not a doormat. I am appropriately vocal and am definitely heard in our family/marriage.
The therapist turned to me and said "You see....there. You have driven your husband away by being TOO NICE, TOO PASSIONATE, TOO CARING,TOO SUPPORTIVE.You've also manipulated him into thinking that you are perfect, therefore he must seek someone that he sees as flawed." He also continued to say that it is not MY place to suggest reading materials etc... that I think might benefit my husband.
I'm sorry.... am I old-fashioned in thinking this is EXACTLY my role as a wife? (To nurture,love,and grow with my spouse ARE my expectations in a relationship.)
This is a well-respected Therapist in our community.I don't get it and really if I am completely off base, I think I will choose to remain so.
This is nonsense. While I agree that there are generally issues in the marriage that precede an affair, I think sometimes one of the partners is just...broken. In my case, we certainly had our issues, but my husband's sex addiction pre-dated my involvement with him. It wouldn't have mattered how "perfect" I was. He was damaged and sought comfort/relief with meaningless sex.
DeleteI would suggest you find another therapist. No matter how "respected", if it doesn't work for you and it's not moving both of you toward healing, then it's a waste of time, money or both!
And kudos to your husband for sticking up for you. That's exactly what you need right now. Someone in YOUR corner.
Elle
THANK YOU! The one positive to come out of this therapy is that my anger has been focused on the therapist and not the situation! Maybe that was his plan all along...evil genius? No, I think I'll stick with top notch a-hole. Makes me feel better. Thanks for your response.
DeleteYa know...the first counsellor we saw -- even before I knew about my husband's affairs; I just knew something was wrong -- kept pushing me by saying I wasn't as happy with our relationship as I professed to be. He kept telling me, in no uncertain terms, to "take off my rose-colored glasses." I was furious with him and we ended up not going to him. But now I look back and realize he obviously sensed something that I wasn't yet ready to admit. So these "quacks" might not always be wrong. That said, it's important to acknowledge when they are just plain wrong...or when you feel disrespected or silenced or otherwise in an unhelpful therapist relationship.
DeleteOnly you know whether he's helpful...or hurtful.
Elle
I found out about my H affair in November while he was out of town working. He began telling me things like he wasn't happy and didn't think he wanted to come back where we lived. He said it was not me and that I was and had been a good wife. I asked him twice to be honest with me if there was another woman. He swore to me there wasn't. I am 41 he is 45 and he is 26. Half his age. The affair began before he left for work. He posted an online ad and she responded. He swears in the ad it said conversation only and that she insisted on them meeting up. When he found out how close they were he did. The affair went in from sept 2 til the day I found out nov 19. In the middle of this my niece (14) committed suicide. All the while we were waiting on them to pronounce her brain dead the girl kept telling him make sure she's is occ with her niece so we can talk. At least that what he tells me. Then right before he leaves to go out of town for work, my daughter messaged me one night says her dad left but she doesn't think he ever came home. My daughter is old enough to stay home by herself but it's still messed up. I worked nights at the time. He told me he was going to bed. He told my daughter he was going to get cigarettes. Instead he went and rented a motel stayed the night with the girl and got up before I got off he got up came home and was in bed sleeping by the time I got there. After spending the entire day with her on the 19th having sex he the turns to me two day s later and has sex. I hadn't no idea any of this was going on. He would spend the days with her while I was sleeping from working all night while he was telling me he was out looking for a job. I confronted her then added her as a friend in fb he freaked and confessed everything and ended with her. She swears they haven't spoken since. However I have learned she has recently moved closer to us which worries me. I'm seriously afraid of what I would do to her if I ever saw her in person. I too have also found many times where he has msg other women through either social media or email yet he swears this is the only affair in nine years. In the beginning I was too sexual for him then I wasn't sexual enough and now well I want sex but I let happen when it happens. I am not going to beg anyone for sex. I have told him I want to work things out. I truly do love him however if I ever find out this isn't the only affair or if there is another I am DONE. I am not going to continue giving 100 percent forgiving him over and Over again and be hurt. I have told him everyone has their breaking point. I have been nothing but loving and faithful to this man and I cannot continue to be hurt. I too look at this woman picture she on social media every single day and wonder how will I ever get past the hurt he caused and the insecurity he has caused within myself.
DeleteUnknown,
DeleteYour husband's betrayal of you began long before his affair with this girl. Anyone posting messages looking for "conversation" or anything else is already taking one step out of his marriage. He clearly has issues that have nothing to do with you and that's something he needs to be committed to sorting through or it will simply be a matter of time before he crosses that boundary again.
What, exactly, is he looking for? Why "conversation"? What is he seeking outside of his marriage that he can't get within it?
But that's for him to sort out. Your job is to heal yourself from this pain and to stake some really clear boundaries (including access to any and all electronic devices -- phone, computer, whatever). Get her off your social media feed. It doesn't help anything to have to look at her face every day. It's harmful to you.
And then, please find yourself a therapist who can support you as you work through this. You've got a ton of pain to process but please know that this isn't about what you do or do not have. It's about his own messy mind. It's about his disloyalty. He's the one who's missing something, not you.
I am so thankfull I found this blog! I truelly thought I was going insane! It's been about a week since I found out about my husbands affair. His affair lasted a year and was with my best friend. However the day after I found out about it, we had the most amazing sex ever in our 11 year relationship. I felt as if we connected emotionaly and with passion and love. Every night since then its been amazing. I find myself wanting to do things that I normally would never do in a million years. Thank you Elle for having this blog, and letting my know that I am not alone in this tornado.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome!
DeleteBrace yourself, though, for the crash. It doesn't mean that you won't manage to re-create a wonderful marriage. But you've still got a lot of pain to go through before you'll feel "done" with this chapter of your life. You'll get there...and you'll get there faster with a supportive, remorseful, honest husband.
Glad you found us, too. But sorry you needed to.
Elle
I have been experiencing this as well, but like one of the previous posters, I feel conflicted. I want to be intimate and accept or sometimes initiate contact, but then last night I burst into tears right in the middle! That sure brought things to a halt. Not sure if it was the mind movies or just a realization of how it was so contradictory to the pain I'm feeling.
ReplyDeleteEmotions run so high after discovering a spouse's affair that everything seems extreme – including sex. But yes, from the highs can come crashing lows. Things eventually become more balanced.
DeleteElle
I don't normally comment in anonymous.. but this, too embarrassing. I went through this and I think I still am. yes, think.. because when the lying pops up, the fact he kept it hidden for so many years, it goes away.. but as soon as I think of the affair itself, it's like I've turned into my 16 year old self looking for a nut to rub - to put it very mildly. And believe me, he doesn't mind when that comes around... he can't stand for the other part though..
ReplyDeleteFor a while, I had him so wore out he was pushing me off!! I'm normally the one that does the pushing off!
Anyway; I was pointed here by someone else and I'm happy to hear it is "normal" I honestly thought I had MPD or had gone crazy; I mean after hearing of an affair; who the hell wouldn't. Thanks.. I'm gonna keep reading on it ;) because honestly, when that happens... I kinda like it.. It actually helps me get past the crap, the thoughts of what they did.. the hindering on the past.. all that shit.. and when it fades for a bit, I feel like I'm coming down from a very high High... and I hate that! I don't like fighting; and when we're doing "it" we're not fighting.. so.
I found out March 24, and I made my husband stay out of the house for one week after that. We met in his hotel room to discuss his coming home and I was so crazy hot for him I almost attacked him there. INSANE!!! We had sex that night and almost every night since, although that unbelievable level of desire is not as strong. There were times that the sex really was almost transcendental or something and it is still good....
ReplyDeleteI wanted to ask Elle if her husband had any trouble admitting he was a sex addict. Mine will briefly touch on it and on the destructive effect his obsession has had on our relationship, but he still hasn't really shown the level of empathy for me or self realization for him that I need to honestly forgive him and decide that we are completely reconciled. I believe he sees the sex as reconciliation, even though I've told him it is not. He is seeing a sex addict therapist, but will say things like "I'm only barely on the spectrum" or something. He had three sexual affairs, multiple paid encounters of touching/blow jobs, strip clubs, was on Ashley Madison all the time, several emotional affairs consisting of talking about OUR sex life, sent pictures of his privates to people, said he would do a three way, talked with some strangers about polyamory......it doesn't sound so peripheral to me.
Seeing it as an addiction is pretty important to me so it is difficult when he tends to deny it, although he has had a few moments when he has been completely honest.
What was your experience?
Hi Anon,
DeleteWelcome to the club. :(
I found out about one affair. Was reeling from that and could never quite understand it (it was with his assistant, whom he loathed). Six months later, he made some oblique reference to having been at a strip club. Wha??? In that instant, I knew there was a whole other side to him that I had no idea about. I told him then that he was going to tell me EVERYTHING. And he did. He told me he was in counselling for sex addiction and, over the next week or more, he told me about umpteen hookups, affairs, chat rooms, and on and on. He had me on the phone the very next morning with his counsellor who guided me through sex addiction in general and my husband's therapy in particular. In a weird way, it was my husband trying to get me to take sex addiction seriously because the alternative was to assume he was just a total asshole. So I began reading about it (Patrick Carnes is the big authority, but his daughter wrote a great book about it for spouses -- definitely track it down) and learning everything I could. All of a sudden, everything sort of clicked into place.
My husband attended the 12-step meetings at first...but only off and on for a year or so. He didn't like them, though I insisted for a while that he go.
One thing you'll read a lot about being the spouse of an addict is that you CAN'T manage their recovery. You've got to focus on yourself and let him focus on his own recovery.
You CAN, however, set boundaries for your own healing. If you need him to continue to see an addiction specialist, then that's a boundary you set for reconciliation. If you need him to attend meetings, then that's what you set. And so on. Come up with reasonable and enforceable consequences. If, for example, you need him to stay in counselling (which is reasonable, given that it would allow you to know that he's gaining understanding into why he behaved as he did, and strategies to prevent him from doing it again), and he stop, then you could sleep in the guest room, ask him to leave, whatever makes sense. But let him know in advance...and then enforce if he doesn't respect your boundaries.
I hated it...but it freed me up to focus on what I needed to do for myself. It gave me a sense of control over what was going on. And it allowed me to regain some self-respect because I was taking care of my needs.
Hang in there. It's a long road.
And we're here with you.
Elle
Thanks, Elle. You can call me EJ--I have a google id but it has my real name and picture so I didn't want to use it here.....
ReplyDeleteI guess one thing I am struggling with is that while I do see things I have done that I need to take responsibility for, my husband still has trouble viewing the fact that his obsession about sex BEFORE the acting out was the primary cause of the disconnect between us. As a result, he still can't completely feel remorse about the first prostitutes (he won't acknowledge they were prostitutes, btw) and the first affair. He will acknowledge that he had hang-ups and insecurities and because of them he said destructive things to me about my sexuality, but there is still an element of distancing or something ..... the empathy I need and the trus remorse aren't there yet. Does that make sense?
Your advice is good. I think what I need for my healing is to set some limits--tell him we need to take a full year and see if I can forgive or resolve this issues OR he can show the level of empathy and remorse I need. If not, we should discuss separating at that point. Things between us are better in many ways, but he tends to think they are even better than they are and he does not understand that I need that level of empathy.
I have written descriptions of six aspects of this with the roles reversed and made a list of feelings and thoughts that I experienced at some point. I am thinking of giving him that and telling him that it would be healing for me if he could really spend time trying to describe what he would have thought, felt and did if he were in that situation. When I've asked him that, all he can say is "I'm sure it would be hard...."
What do you think?
EJ
Hi EJ,
DeleteYeah...it's tough when they just can't/won't acknowledge that it's the attitudes about sex that drive the behavior. My husband was always a bit...sophomoric...about sex. He would grab my breasts, make goofy comments... It wasn't until I learned about the sex addiction that I recognized that it was all part of objectifying women. It was always about what was pleasing to HIM. And he suggested there was something wrong with me that I didn't like what "all women" want. "All women", to him, are women in pornos.
So...I don't know if these guys will ever truly understand what it feels like to be us. They've become masters at compartmentalizing largely in order to survive their own feelings of shame and guilt. And that takes a long time (and work!) to deconstruct.
I think the best you can hope for at this point is that he'll acknowledge how destructive his attitudes about sex and intimacy are (most sex addicts are almost incapable of sexual intimacy -- it's too frightening for them) and how it's not serving HIM well, let alone you.
The other thing is that most sex addicts (not all, but most) have experienced some form of sexual abuse. My husband insists he wasn't (I have my doubts) but he certainly grew up in a family that controlled their children through shame and guilt. Long story short, his attitudes about sex/intimacy/comfort were formed as a child who was constantly harangued for being himself. He learned to use sex as a way to avoid feeling anything unpleasant. His acting out started around the time his father died and he couldn't cope with his own grief.
I'd encourage your husband to try and connect the dots. But...recognize that you can't control him.
Hang in there...
Elle
Thanks again, Elle...I met with my counselor yesterday and it was really helpful. She asked me what I would do if he just couldn't get to that level of empathy and if I could get to a point where I could be okay with that as long as he was recommitting to our relationship in all the ways he could .....I still need him to try, but it is possible time will allow me to be okay with it. I do think it would be helpful to define the transition time. He thought three months would bring some closure but I'm not really close.
ReplyDeleteSome of your comments above could have been written by me! --And he suggested there was something wrong with me that I didn't like what "all women" want.--This is a HUGE issue for us. Or was at least. His family was also huge on controlling/shame and he went off the cliff after an event in his family of origin that was even more traumatic than a death. (He still has trouble saying that had anything to do with it .... I don't know why it's easier to say it was me!)
My mother, before she died (she knew about the first affair but not about the subsequent admission of sex addiction), said something prescient to me that makes me wonder if she suspected more than she let on. She said to me that she believed my husband loved me "the best way he knew how". She went on to say that people can only do what they can do at any given point in their lives. So his "best" at that time might have sucked...but he was incapable of better because he was so broken. As he's healed, he's been able to love me better. It's an important thing to remember...and allows us to not take it personally. It isn't really about us at all.
DeleteIt's interesting too how terrifying it is for so many people from truly messed up families to admit how messed up it was. For years, my husband spoke of his family, especially his father, as the "perfect" family (that should have been my first clue. Perfect??). I sensed something wrong, but decided it must be me...because they were "perfect". Only after he started falling apart in the wake of the affairs did he start telling me the real story...and even then it came out in bits and pieces. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, for starters. And now that he's feeling better and more on solid ground, he's back to minimizing how crazy it was. It's only when he's around them and something nutty happens that he can say, "Yeah...they're still messed up." Drives ME crazy.
The reason he can blame you more than them is that you're "safe". It's the same reason a kid will misbehave at home but not at school. They need to test things...and they do it in a safe place where love won't be withdrawn arbitrarily. And these guys are kids, emotionally. Most of them have never had that place where they feel safe and loved unconditionally. In my husband's case, he was loved as long as he made the family look good. Any mistakes (wrong girlfriend, wrong friends, wrong university, wrong job...) and he was crucified. He learned to go ahead and do what he wanted/needed, but to hide it. And feel ashamed about it.
Hang in there. You're going to be okay...better than okay. With time.
Elle
Hi elle,
ReplyDeleteI am finding so much relief in your site. Thank you for this. We are 11 months in to this process --
At the time I found out about it, it had long ago ended ... I too am one of those wives who believed she had an exceptional marriage. I put myself firmly in the camp "This would never ever in a million years be us...so I don't have to even think about it." Well, here, I am agonizing over this man I still love deeply that sometimes I feel like I don't know anymore. We have children, we've been together for 19 years and we love each other profoundly. There is so much I would do differently if I could go back to that time when are kids were little and he was travelling so much. But I can't. And I am learning to accept this day by day. We, too, had crazy sex for months...sometimes several times a day, every day. That was in the early days. That ended after about 7 months. Now, I feel the complete opposite. My sex drive is very low. I don't understand why. We are not doing the intensive marriage counselling that we did for weeks and weeks at the beginning. But we still see her from time and time and still talk about the A when I need to ... but certainly not with the same intensity as we did in the past. Will I ever get my sex drive back. Will I ever be the sexually passionate woman I've been for years ??? I feel like I am in such an inbetween place. Lethargic, unsettled, dispassionate about us and about sex. Yet I love him to death. I don't get me. I don't get me at all. Please help.
a
Hi Anon,
DeleteGlad you found this site...and glad you're finding comfort here.
I don't think it matters, emotionally, how long ago the affair was. When you found out about it is when it became real to you – no matter whether it ended yesterday or a decade ago. Still the same questions ("how did I not know?", "how did it happen?" etc. etc.)
Re. sex drive: I think it's important to rule out physical causes. Everything from menopause to a hormonal imbalance is a possible culprit. And, of course, simply being busy, stressed and so on can affect your sex drive, too. If you do think it's strictly emotional, what do you think might be holding you back? I know, in may case, that I feel very vulnerable being sexual with my husband. And the possibility of getting hurt again makes me close up in some ways (sexually being one of them). It's similar to a recent post about opening ourselves up again -- to joy, but also to the possibility of feeling pain like we have. You can't have one without the other. I'm glad you raise the issue because, frankly, I've been doing a good job of ignoring that part of our marriage. To "go there" brings up so much pain and so many (bad) memories, that it's easier to simply carry on and think it'll magically resolve itself. We're working with our counsellor on "intimacy". She urges us to take sex right off the table (not ON the table...hopefully that'll come later :) ) and concentrate on being intimate emotionally – deep conversations, time spent together. With three young kids, it's hard to make that a priority but we really need to.
Perhaps a visit to your marriage counsellor to address this issue specifically might shed some light on what's holding you back.
I know many women find that sex becomes even more joyful than before. And I know, from our hysterical bonding, that it's possible to feel that incredible connection again. Sounds like both of us need to find out how to have that without the drama surrounding D-Day.
Hang in there. Please share what you learn and I'll do likewise.
Elle
I found out about a month ago that my husband of 32 years had an affair 11 years ago. It lasted 1 to 2 years judging by the 2 valentines, anniversary card, Christmas card and sappy love poem that I found. It was over 10 years ago and my husband has been very loving ever since. I think I was completely blindsided by this. I never thought he would be capable of such a betrayal. I have never been so sad or angry in my life. Crying, screaming and oh yes craving sex with the cheating, lying, SOB. We are working on our marriage but I feel like he thinks it was over a long time ago so I should get over it quickly. He says he is sorry, worse mistake he ever made in his life, etc. I believe him, I love him and I want to be with him but I can't forgive him yet. Some days I am so overwhelmed with thoughts of them together, I can't stop thinking about it. I feel I am making myself ill.We are moving to another state ( this was in the works before I found out about the affair) and I am hoping that it will be a new beginning for us, away from the scene of the crime. It is good to read these blogs and realize I am not going insane and that other people feel the same way too. I have written a letter to the other woman but I haven't sent it, but I would love to turn her world upside down just like mine has been. I met her at the time of the affair and she was super nice and friendly to me ....the two faced whore. So thank you for the blogs. Insane lady in shock.
DeleteDear ILIS,
DeleteWelcome to the club nobody wants to join.
What you're feeling is, sadly, completely normal. The affair may have been over a long time ago for HIM...but for you, it's like it's just happened. And he needs to recognize that in order to give you the space and time to heal.
You're likely poring over those years in your head, trying to remember this or that, all the more difficult because it was so long ago.
And you're no doubt trying to make sense of something that seems nonsensical, given that he clearly wanted to stay in his marriage.
The upside of it being long ago is that you've got the evidence that he wants his marriage and is willing to stick it out. The downside is that he carried that betrayal and deceit a long time. Again, he needs to recognize that what he wants to dismiss as "over long ago", comes with evidence that he's capable of lying and deceiving over the long term. So he needs to re-earn your trust.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm a firm believer in confessing and letting the injured party decide whether or not she wants to stay...rather than burying it and hoping it's never unearthed.
Glad, however, that you found us.
Elle
Hi Elle,
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right. The fact that the affair ended four years ago doesn't make it easier, if anything it makes it worse -- I am dealing with a 3-year long affair plus 4 years of secrecy after it ended -- 7 years of pain between us now. I have been in touch with my doctor, so yes, I am looking into my own health to rule out anything hormonal, etc... but after reading your reply my gut feeling tells me it is a question of intimacy. I think after the initial rush that came from feeling like we had somehow survived a car crash (all the talking, the therapy, the sex, the time together, the deep deep intimacy..) ... the lull that followed was something we seemed to both settle into. Life took over. Work, kids, etc...and we have not been having the same kinds of talks that we did last fall and early winter ... As I read your response that really clicked for me. My hubby and I had one of those conversations last night ... across the street from the church where we were married.... The pain was still very much there -- the pain that had been pushed aside for the past few months. I honestly was surprised that I was saying the same things, feeling the same hurt, I felt last fall when it first happened (how could this be? How could I have not known? Why did it go on for so very long...?")
I think I have been feeling resentful of the fact that we haven't been talking about the A so much. That life has been going on and that we have been having happy times. Maybe too easy. And I realized last night, when the surface is scratched it is all so very raw -- still. I told my hubby I needed more of this, more talking, more holding, that I needed to feel the intensity of that love in those early months ...Always! I had been missing that. The connection. The feeling that at least the A had brought us here, to this place, where we connected more than we ever had in our lives before.
We held on too each other tightly last night and something inside me released. I know the answer lies here -- in "going there." In opening that door, in facing that pain. We will see our psychologist/therapist in a couple of weeks and I am newly determined to get out of this inbetween place and go back to talking and truly feeling, the good AND the ugly. I will keep you posted, Elle.
Thank you again for this site -- it truly has provided the first bit of relief I have felt in weeks.
anjella
I am glad I googled this. I was so embarrassed that I had sex with my cheating husband. He also cheated with men. He tried women initially but there is a hedonistic world of men just waiting to screw at anytime of the day on craigslist. I guess no one fears HIV anymore.
ReplyDeleteI stopped sleeping with him a few months ago but still miss it. I swear I wanted sex ALL THE TIME when I found out. The sex was great, too. I felt like we were finally making love which messed me up mentally. It was hard not to feel like a loser for loving and wanting my horrible jerk of a husband.
Eventually, though, he seemed less present. Funny, over the years I would have sex with him when I wasn't really into it---I was just performing my wifely duties. He used to complain and I always thought, "What does it matter??? The end result is the same." But it does matter. Having sex with someone who isn't really there is icky and not fulfilling at all, even if you do climax. So, I got a little life lesson in all of this.
The husband has now concluded he is gay and wants a divorce. I am still unsure if that is really the case. I think he used sex like a drug to get over some personal and business failures he had. I also think something sexual may have happened with his stepfather when he was a kid but he denies it.
My support group says to detach and let go. It is hard--especially since I think he is going down a dark path. I still love him and need him to be well for our kids...
It has been the worst year ever!
Hi Anonymous,
DeleteYep – I would agree that your year has been pretty awful!
But I also agree with your support group that you need to detach and move forward with your own life. Whatever his issues are, they're not yours. And while I appreciate that you want to rescue him for the sake of your kids, you simply can't. It's not your job to protect him from himself. What you CAN do is be there for your kids, ensure they're safe, answer their questions and promise them honesty. This is also a life lesson for them. A painful one to be sure, but one that, with your support, can teach them that you can still love someone who's confused and hurting without feeling responsible for that person. That you need to allow people you love to make their own choices, whether or not you agree with them. All we can ever really control is ourselves – but that's enough.
Hang in there, Anonymous. Move forward in your own life and keep taking steps to heal from this pain. Let that be your worst year ever...and trust that life will get better.
Elle
I just found out on Monday that my husband was having an affair with someone he works with since last December and am just so numb. But, like many others here, I had what I thought was a crazy reaction - after he called the other woman (in my presence on speaker phone so I could hear her voice and reaction), I asked him to make love to me. He was shocked - I was shocked. He was so tender and attentive like I was a fragile doll and all I wanted was him to be rough and I pretended that his girlfriend was in the room watching. I felt sick to my stomach afterwards and started googling what the hell just happened. I'm so relieved to find out that there is a term for what I requested and still want. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences....
ReplyDeleteYep, it's normal. Though after D-Day, crazy is the new normal.
DeleteYou'll find lots to read here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through...but the common theme running through every post and every comment is that we've survived and, in many cases, thrived. It's truly hell but each day takes you a bit closer to healing.
Welcome...
Elle
Thanks Elle - I do feel crazy right now and it's comforting that I am not alone. Cynthia
DeleteI am so relieved!!!! Found out my husband I've been married to for 14 years was drunk texting a girl he works with. I asked him to stop on more than one occasion. I also wrote her twice telling her to back off, and how would she feel if I was texting her husband the way she texted mine. never once did I get a response from her. he said he told her that it wasn't right and they were to stop. couples days later we had his company Xmas party, in which we stayed at hotel it was held. night was going great. Then he was missing, I knew he was wasted so I thought he went to the room. I walked up to our room put card in door it opened and the B was sitting back on my bed in my room and he was standing over her. they were still fully clothed, but I didn't even pause. I saw red and started beating the crap out of her. then she yells and says my name we were just talking. remind u I never met this girl in person before this night. I was livid. then she ran out and yes indeed I punched the crap out of my husband too. it did make me feel just a tad bit better, not as much as I hoped. I'm still hurt n broken. last couple days I've fighting with myself of what to do should me and the kids just walk away or try? We have first counseling session tomarrow. I have been so freakishly hornet for him for last two days, and I was chalking it up to its because he's sober and its attractive. Idk I'm so confewsed. He knows he has a problem with alcohol, but I know and told him its not an excuse. yes many people see someone that's attractive or sometimes imagines being with that person. I believe that's normal but to actually act on it.. arggg I just know alcohol does play a small roll which is gives them more balls to act out what's already in there head.
ReplyDeleteDNS something else I forgot to add is that the sex (like many of you) has been awesome. Best sex we have had in years. basicly since we were teenagers.It's crazy. yes I'm left afterwords feeling like ashamed and replaying everything that happened that night of Christmas party. really wth!!!
Deletenavywife,
DeleteI'm glad you found us...but sorry you needed to.
I hope your counselling session goes well. I suspect there's a lot of "stuff" to be unearthed in both of you. I'll start by saying that I don't believe it's ever okay to beat anyone up -- no matter how tempted we are, and how much we think they deserve it.
That said, I certainly understand the desire to beat the shit out of someone who's completely disrespecting us. But if your marriage is ever to be a place of mutual respect and love and healing, the violence has got to stop.
Clearly your husband crossed a line. The whole "but we were just talking stuff" is crap and everyone knows it.
Regarding your husband's drinking, alcohol often makes us cross moral boundaries that we never believed we would cross. Though I obviously don't know, I wouldn't be surprised if once your husband got sober (truly sober -- which includes understanding the roots of his drinking, not just "not drinking") the extracurriculars with texting etc. might disappear too. I know far too many military who develop substance abuse problems to deal with what our countries ask them to do. Too many self-medicate (alcohol, drugs, sex) to deal with PTSD. I don't know if your husband has seen active duty but if he has, it's worth getting him some counselling.
And, frankly, I suspect you likely need some counsellling for anger management. I've blogged about the murderous rage I felt, the fantasies I had of running the OW over in my car...but they must be left at fantasy. Or you'll end up getting yourself in legal trouble.
Let me know how your session goes. And please know that I'm on your side.
Elle
I am hoping that we can get through and over this and that we found the right counselor. What happened that night deff wasn't my normal self. last time I was in a fight I was in 8th grade. lol usually I'm a pretty shy girl. Anyways I do understand what you are saying. Just helps to say something to someone that actually has been threw some of these things and won't go run there mouth. it helps. just couple more hours till our appointment. fingers crossed were both comfortable with this counselor..again thank you for responding and yes we do have past issues that we have gone through and never talked about. Like we lost our son the day he was born a few years ago, and I had a severe hemmoragge a week after I had my youngest son couple years ago and I had to have a transfusion. 4 units. I was traumatized from that, and knowing I almost didn't make it. I did shut him out a lil from both of those situations as well as he did me too. We need better communication ..
ReplyDeleteNavywife,
DeleteI can't imagine losing a baby. That must have been absolute hell. And it does place enormous stress on a couple, each trying to cope with such pain. And then to have problems following another delivery...
As nutty as it sounds, sometimes dealing with "trust violations" (the clinical term for cheating) can bring us so close to the edge that we have no choice but to either jump ship or work our way to a safe harbor. I hope you two can find your safe harbor in each other.
Best of luck.
Elle
I know this is an old post but I'm so glad I found it. My huband left me seven months ago for a casual friend who he was having an affair with for 1-2 months prior. My husband was the baseball coach of her son and our sons team. She went after my husband and got him. She did the same thing 6 years ago with another of her son's coaches. Tramp is 31, been married twice with 3 kids and two affairs under her belt. Really classy chick. Needless to say I was beyond shocked and devastated.
ReplyDeleteWe have been married 19 years and have 3 beautiful children 16, 13 & 7. My husband moved out and they moved in together along with her 3 kids. (My husband loves our kids but is not a kid person and her youngest is 2.) Really pathetic. She sees my husband as her meal ticket because she is poor and getting divorced. He told me when he left that he loved her and not me anymore. I feel he has been having a Midlife Crisis since turning 40 and having major financial problems after always being such a business success. Needless to say he and I didn't talk for the first 3 1/2 months after he left, we only fought viciously.
In late November I chose to let go of the hate and anger and forgive him and fight for my marriage. He then thought I went out with another man which I did not. He told me how crazy jealous he was and it killed him to think of me with another man. He then kissed me one of the most passionate kisses we have ever shared. Since then we have started having phenomenal sex (hysterical bonding) and it is as good or better than our early years. It has been happening on and off since then. He pulls me in and pushes me away I think out of guilt. The sex is usually instigated by him but sometimes by me. I know I probably shouldn't be doing this with him (giving him his cake and eating it too) but it has been very therapeutic for us both. It has helped us really connect and talk about how we got here. We got so wrapped up with our lives with the kids and stopped dating each other and making our marriage a priority anymore. He says he is so confused about his feelings and doesn't know what to do and is so tired of hurting people. He does also have a great deal of regret and remorse and guilt over what has happened. And yes he is still with the other woman who he says he has strong feelings for. I think he is still in the fog. Yes I want my husband back and for our marriage to survive and be stronger. My question should I stop having sex with him until he breaks it off with this woman? I'm really conflicted about this because I still love him so very much. Has anyone else been through anything similar and how did it end up?
I'm glad you found us...and so sorry for what you're going through.
DeleteShould you stop having this awesome sex with the man you love? The short answer is yes! For a number of reasons. For starters, you're exposing yourself to potential STDs.
For another, as you yourself noted, he's having his cake and eating it too. As long as you're allowing him to sit on the fence, that's exactly where he'll stay.
He says he's "confused" and "tired of hurting people". And yet, here he is, continuing to hurt you by not committing, hurting his now-live-in-girlfriend by having sex with you, hurting you by continuing to have sex with his live-in girlfriend...and hurting your kids by not being a father to them while he juggles two women. Possibly even hurting HER kids by being sorta-kinda in their lives.
I understand that you've now got some clarity around why your marriage was rocky. But he nonetheless made a painful choice to violate your marriage agreement and get involved with someone else. And you're giving him permission to not only continue to disrespect that agreement but to disrespect YOU. You're not respecting you if you allow him to continue using you for sex.
You need to get yourself tested for STDs, if you haven't already. And you need to make it clear to your husband that sex with you is a fabulous part of a committed relationship. If he's interested in lessening his "confusion" then he needs to do it by getting clear on exactly what he wants and who he wants it with. If he's lucky, one of you will be waiting for him to make up his mind. If he's not, he just might find that two women smarten up enough to recognize that he's using "confusion" as shorthand for the sex-fest of his life.
I hope, for your sake, you'll treat this as an eye-opening lesson. YOU be the one to push him away rather than waiting for him to do it to you. He's rejected you once and it's painful as hell. Don't give him the chance to do it again. It's time for you to start calling the shots.
Elle
I'm a man...30 minutes after I confronted her...she was blowing me....I think it scared my Psyche later on....now I would throw her from me....it was like she was trying to ease the pain at the time....I was crying a storm...then my pants were getting tugged off.....it has stuck with me that moment...it was mental....I recall it now as sick...it was that same sick lust that threw our life together down the drain....I felt like I was on springer show....
ReplyDeleteIn fact I think later she was suggesting casual sex...while she was with other man....I was crushed...I'm not a toy... (gosh do I sound like a woman).....I shot that down....I was like good luck with Romeo....hes inherited a real piece of work...
If she had double mascecttomy and lost a limb...and could have had sex the rest of her days...I would have had forearm like popeye.....but. I wouldn't violate trust....
People are selfish.....hysterical bonding....I did it with her....and its just as it proclaims....its sick really
I can't say what a relief it was to find this blog. I thought I was going crazy and actually felt like a slut for my insatiable desire for him.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. While doing him. :)
DeleteElle
Hi, like everyone else here I had the same reaction. My husband told me one Tuesday afternoon that he had screwed a bitch that worked at the taco place he frequents, 5 years ago. So many emotions were going through my head, mainly thoughts on what I wanted to gdo to him to make him hurt as I was. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was doing something during that time but he denied it up and down. He swears it was only the one time and I'm not quite sure I believe him based on all the phone numbers I was finding at the time. We have an almost 3 year old son and I have informed him that we will be going to counseling, he agreed but has no choice. He also told me he would respect whatever decision I made regarding kicking him out or working it out. The next day I was physically sick too my stomach and tried to keep a normal appearance and after he
ReplyDeletecame home we had a discussion and I have him the last of my demands which were agreed to and went to sleep. He wanted to have sex but I wasn't sure but holy crap, we had the best sex ever! Seriously, want it all the time now and like many of the others he is worn out. I think it's like we're marking our territory. And btw, we have never had any problems in the bedroom so when he confessed I was blindsided. And the chick don't work there anymore out she'd have problems. Thank you for this blog!
Glad you found us. And so sorry for what you're going through. Yes to therapy -- glad you're doing it.
DeleteWhatever these guys say about "it's over" "won't happen again" blah blah blah, you need to get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place or there's not much reason for you to believe it won't happen again. These guys are telling themselves some story that allows them to do this...and the narrative needs to be examined so they can recognize it if they start telling themselves a similar story again.
Good luck. Keep us posted how you're doing.
Elle
I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband has been having cyber sex with multiple women online ending with a online sex chat with a girl that paid for a hotel room to fulfil their online fantasies. I discovered the facebook messages when he left his facebook open before going to work. The actual one night stand I only found out 4 weeks ago when under pressure and after previously denying that he had physical sex with any of these women he crumbled and told the truth. The online cyber sex lasted for 2 years between 2008and 2010 with multiple women and the contact with the one night stand was 3 years ago. He admitted that he first became addicted to porn online and after the apps on facebook took over where women were flattering him and messaging him flirtatious messages. He found himself needing more and more thrill and excitement so engaged with online sexual fantasy messages with these other women. We have always had an active close relationship but looking back I notice that he was distancing himself from me in the bedroom and emotionally. Although there is no evidence that he had any emotional ties with any of these women and appears to be about his sexual gratification. He has shown absolute remorse and shame about how far he allowed things to go. He has said that the woman he met gave him 2 days notice and that it was merely the thrill and promise of the fantasy that took over all senses. I have seen pictures of this woman and am satisfied that he really must have lost his senses as she is way below his league. I discovered from her version of events after contacting her through his facebook page and pretending it was him messaging her to clarify the truth from her perspective. I am pleased (if that can be possible amidst the agony and pain that these revelations have caused), that he never stayed the night merely met completed the deed and left to come home to me. I have requested all the graphic details of the encounter from him then messaged her with as much dignity I could muster to tell her that I know everything and that he never wants to see her again (his words) and that whilst she thought she was talking to him and that he was interested it was in fact me and the reason he disappeared was because he hated what he had done and said the fantasy failed to materialise instead a nightmare filled with guilt and fear. I too have had copious amounts of sex 6 times in 26 hours a record in our marriage. Although he admits that he cried all the way home from the encounter and has struggled to keep the vile secret buried for 3 years he said that he is relieved that I now know as I have always been his best friend and only true love. We have not told everyone and made it public knowledge to protect our children. At times I want to scream from the rooftops. The people who do know are in utter shock because it really is out of character for him... however the doubting side of my brain is scared to think that this side of him even existed and managed to lie so well. I have chosen to take each day as it comes and we are going to counselling. I don't know what the future holds and this whole situation feels like a tragic love story, I am sure that most feel the same )... I am doing my upmost to hold it together for the sake of the children but my sanity is tested with the mind movies and outbursts of sadness, hurt and anger. There is no magic wand no magic solution to this mess.. I Have not forgiven him nor am I likely to forget this. I am treating as an emotional loss and I am grieving at the moment with the hope that one day I can learn to live with and accept this for what it is.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part is remembering how he was with me at the time he was under the spell of his sexual fantasies and knowing that he was desiring other women. I understand why he lied but at the same time I am annoyed with myself for not thinking he would be capable of cheating..Big Mistake. This is going to be a long journey but how can I allow to throw 17 years together away for a period in his life that he seems to have had a massive wake up call from reflecting on what he had done. He has admitted full responsibility for his actions and realises that his addictions were born out of fears of his sporting career coming to an end and getting older coupled with the pull of the thrill of women flattering him. He didn't think that the online sex chat would amount to anything which is what he liked as he felt he had it under control. He wasn't prepared for an open invitation for a meeting. I am satisfied that he really did not want this women and when he met her he did not find her attractive and the pictures I have seen support this. He said it was literally about the fantasy and he used her, from her perspective she got a lot more from the encounter than he did as she was enamoured by his great body and good looks and how good he was in bed.. It was a killer to read those words but he called the whole experience a complete flop on all levels with him having to imagine me as she turned him off. He panicked as the encounter started and thought that if he runs out the room she might stalk him and put things all over facebook. He absolutely wishes he had done that on hindsight and so do I but I cannot change the past. I can see that he is totally remorseful but it does not make me want to forgive him. I think I will learn to live with it eventually but only if he works through the counselling and shows me he is 200 percent committed to me and sticks to the boundaries that are agreed.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteYour husband's accounting of the event sounds like many addicts accounting of similar incidents in their lives. The shame. The guilt. The slow acceleration of fantasy veering into reality.
It's wonderful that you're both seeking counselling. I wonder if he should also be treated for sex addiction. It's increasingly common (or perhaps it's just increasingly being recognized as an addiction) fuelled by such online availability. It, literally, changes men's brains and alters their perception of women.
I'm glad you posted and that you see hope for both of you as you move through this. I hope this was the wakeup call your husband needed. And I pray that both of you are able to move together toward healing. It's a tough road.
Elle
I guess in many ways, like this HB, I'm actually the best (or worse) wife to cheat upon. I never thought I was crazy. I never blamed myself for any of his actions, I questioned whether I was attractive only because he cheated with sex objects who spend their lives outside of charging for sex going to beauty salons and surgeons and gyms and finding whoever they get the drugs from to keep them so slim/skinny beyond what a regular woman is capable of doing in the real world, but beyond that I never blamed myself for anything, ever. And when I made him do things sexually - yes, humiliated him - he enjoyed it, as I knew he or any man would. We even had a houseful of relatives at the time of discovery and I would make him go to the bedroom and perform. But that is me. I have always totally understood myself. Alas, I guess I never understood him, because though I was an open book, he never lifted his cover page for anyone else to read.
ReplyDeleteI had written earlier to tell about finding out my husband had an affair 10 years ago. I wrote an email to the other woman and she wrote back saying she didn't know what I was talking about. When I confronted him he admitted he only said it was her because she had left town 10 years ago. The real woman was in town and even though they did not have a sexual relationship anymore ( I read some emails, I believe him) she would still write to him occasionally, they were still friends of a sort. He didn't want to tell me it was her because he didn't know what I would do. So was he protecting her or himself, certainly not me. As you can imagine I blew my top. It was like the original pain all over again. I was just starting to feel a little better and wham! right back to square one. Now we have good days and bad but I am so angry with him. He says he was doing it to protect me. Hah!! We have moved away from that town now so there is no chance of running into her, thank God. I have blocked her from his email and he is such a technophobe he would never know. Anyway I am still the insane lady in shock only twice now.
ReplyDeleteBrit,
DeleteYour instincts are right. He's protecting her, though I think he's really protecting himself. From embarrassment. From responsibility for the pain he's caused.
He needs to understand that every time he lies to you, or lies by omission, or adjusts the truth, he sets back your healing and recovery. In order for you to learn to trust him again, he has to indicate that he's trust-worthy. And what that means is telling the whole truth, nothing but the truth every single time you ask for it. No matter how embarrassing. No matter how painful.
You have to help by ensuring that you don't do something that's going to land you in jail. Just like a kid, he's more likely to tell you the truth if you manage to remain calm. However, that's a tall order when you're hearing excruciating things.
If he wants to rebuild his marriage, you get to set the ground rules for what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear. Figure out which is which. Once you hear certain details you can't "unhear" them so make sure you really want to know and that it moves your forward.
This can be easier to do in the presence of a trained counsellor who can keep you on track.
Hang in there. You're not insane...and the shock will wear off.
Elle
Hi Elle!
ReplyDeleteI must say, this is so refreshing for my recently shattered heart. My h cheated about three months ago with his ex, which is also quite attractive. Albeit, she's had numerous plastic surgeries, including butt augmentation, that make her look a little bit weird. Anyway h apologized numerous times, is treating me with the utmost love and has really focused on our relationship. The affair only happened one evening. I know because his ex doesn't live in our city. H says he met up with her to discuss an event she needed help in planning, they both had one too many drinks and alas... The funny thing is that same night he came home late, crawled into bed and made love to me like never before, with an incredible amount of passion and desire. He was crazy and all over me. After confessing and my inevitable questioning, he says the sex with the ex was terrible, just two drunks both realizing they made a terrible mistake. H tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, he says he thinks I'm one of the best looking chics he's dated, but I don't believe him. I question him and I have all these doubts about my looks, and about whether that night really sucked or if he's just telling me that to spared feelings. I compare myself to this chic all the time and it's driving me insane. In the meantime, h is beyond loving and I'm in doubt. What are your thoughts?
Susy
Susy,
DeleteI'm glad you found us and sorry that you needed to.
What do I think? I think you'll likely never really know what happened and how it felt. So you have a choice: take him at his word and trust his actions or assume he's lying and that sex with her was better than with you.
Frankly there's nothing to gain by taking the second route. But that doesn't stop so many of us from taking it. We decide that we're not pretty enough or sexy enough or whatever enough, even if our spouse's tell us a zillion times that's not why they cheated.
It sometimes takes a long time but eventually -- hopefully -- you'll understand that what he described is probably pretty damn close to the truth. No matter that she's attractive. He loves YOU. He did a stupid thing. Something he regrets. Something he's promising to never do again.
You can open yourself up to that love, which of course carries with it the risk that he'll hurt you again; or you can shut yourself off from it and move on.
There isn't a right path out of this. Some women simply can't move past the betrayal and refuse to believe that anyone is capable of learning from such a horrible mistake. And some men don't learn. They don't deserve those second chances.
You need to decide which guy your husband is and which woman you are.
And if you choose to give him a second chance, you need to trust his confession and let go of the "she's attractive" stuff. There are a zillion of attractive women in this world. If he's chosen you, then that's all you need to know.
Elle
Dear Elle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wonderful service you're providing for humanity and especially women. It's wonderful to have a judge-free virtual pen pal.
Thank you!!!!
Susy
Wow thank you so much for this blog . I truly thought I was going crazy !!! Found out or should I say caught out my husband this weekend . I like all our family and friends thought we were the perfect couple. Turns out he had been sleeping with an escort for eight weeks and over the last two they started developing feelings for each other ... The heart ache I'm feeling is unbearable . I'm on the emotional roller coaster ride of emotions all you ladies have been on , but the most disturbing one is the desire to make love to him !!! Even thought I've been to the clinic and had to get all the test done , as I don't know if she's got a clean card !! All I know is I love my husband , he is saying he doesn't know why , felt like someone else , mid life crisis ect .. I can't believe he had the nerve to phone one as he won't ever phone the doctors , cab even friends !! So confused whether I should give him a second chance .. My husband is saying he loves me .. Our life .. Family and friends but know things will never be the same. Sad wife
ReplyDeleteIt feels unbearable…but you will bear it. And eventually it will hurt less.
DeleteIn the meantime, you'll have to ride the roller coaster. Let yourself feel all the pain, anger, sadness. It will wash over you. It won't eat you alive, though you may wonder at times.
Make sure he's clean…or use protection. An STD won't help matters.
If he wants to rebuild your marriage…and you want to give him the chance, then he needs to do some serious work to figure out just what the hell he was thinking. There's tons of info on this site around what he can/should do. And what you can/should do. For starters, he needs to come clean about it all. You don't need any more surprises. And then he needs professional help. Couples counselling is a good idea too. You've got a lot of pain to process. And he needs to know how to support you and earn back your trust.
Elle
Thank you For your words of wisdom Elle ... I have returned from the clinic today and have got the all clear , for now . He has also taken himself to get tested!! It's a start on the long ride were now on . Hopefully we/I can be as strong as you guys into rebuilding a marriage . Think this site is now my bible and hopefully the sad wife will turn back into the happy one I once was. Thank you for giving me hope sad wife x
ReplyDeleteits been my secret shame that I did this after I found out he was cheating. I couldn't tell anyone about my behavior. I felt so many things during. like I had to prove to him that I loved him, what I could do that she couldn't, to claim him, or to just feel loved again. this has made me feel even more low about myself . as if I didn't have any respect for myself. but knowing that I am not alone in this brings tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful to have found this site. someone who is honest about what its really like . s place that doesn't put the blame on the wife, or give ridiculous advice from someone who has never been through it .(prayer works for a lot of situations, but I can't pray this away)
I found out on valentines day this year which is less than a week ago of my husbands four month affair. I've even helped him to end it and I'm there for him as he cries for his loss ffs! I'm in absolute turmoil. Got no one to talk to as I feel embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened to my family. I want my family life back but I don't know if I can ever trust him again :( Mandy
ReplyDeleteMandy,
DeleteYou have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about! This is on him, not you. And why are you consoling HIM? He made a choice that has hurt you. It's one thing to understand that it might be difficult for him to give up an affair; it's quite another to comfort him through it. You need to develop a backbone and start demanding respect...by giving it yourself first.
Read what you can about affairs (there's this site, of course, but you might also want to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass).
Rebuilding trust is a long process but it's start by him recognizing just what he's done to you and his family, and taking steps to ensure he doesn't do it again. He should be showing deep remorse and a commitment to both you and your family.
In the meantime, you need to let go of any feeling that this had anything to do with you and that you can control it. You also need to develop clear boundaries around what you will and will not put up with. Him crying on your shoulder is not okay. He should have ended the affair himself, with clarity and conviction, by telling his affair partner that he is committed to you and that there is to be absolutely no contact going forward.
Hang in there, Mandy.
Elle
My partner of 17 years and i were going through a seperation period(but still occasionaly sleeping together), we were working things and was coming home, when he sprung that he had been booked on a holiday and his brother was paying for him, i hit the roof. Told him if didnt know about it, then to tell his brother he's not going. He said if he did that he would have to pay. I backed down.... then i found out it was for 10 days.. i said to him your going to Thailand...he swore to me he wasn't and said he was going to dubai... i cried for 2 weeks none stop...Then the dayafter he left i found out he was infact in Thailand...my heart broke... i couldn't eat or sleep. We have 3 children age 15,12,,4. I was a mess.... Since he has come back, he has moved back home and i'm like a wild animal in bed....i was never before... he has swore he has done nothing on his kids lives...but i cant get rid of this gut feeling he has paid for something!!!
ReplyDeleteAdd on to my previous post..... He only told me about the holiday 2 weeks before he went...yet he had known for months..he said he couldnt tell me cause he knew it would cause trouble... even when he was in Thailand..he told me he didn't know he was going there... then when he came back he said he found out a few days before he left... this is why i cant trust him over him saying he hasn't done anything... all the lies he has told... needless to say he bending over backwords for me and the kids.. i just cant shake this feeling in my gut...
ReplyDeleteWell 4 months later... He is not living with us.. He still says he loves me..but that gut instinct and my mind images didnt help.. I cant look at him an feel we have no future..
DeleteI'm sorry for what you're going through. Please know we're here. I hope you get the answers you need.
Deletemy husband of 14 years started seeing a woman he works with in mid january this year. I knew there was something wrong but everytime I asked he told me I was being paranoid. I found out the truth when he tried to end it with her and she started texting and he couldn't hide it. we went and sat in our vehical to talk, so that our children wouldn't hear. he came clean about everything. over the last 3 weeks he has answered every question I've asked, even the ones that I don't want to know the answers to, and aside from the day I found out, we've had sex almost every day. it's nice to know that I'm not going crazy for wanting him so badly. I never felt ashamed or guilty about it though like some of the other women have said they do. after about the first week I took a step back and really examine our marriage and we've sat up talking on many nights discussing how we've felt over the last couple of years and took each other for granted. he took full responsibility for his actions and has told me that I shouldn't feel sorry for anything. it sounds crazy but if he hadn't gone to HER, I dont think our marriage would have lasted another year. it's opened both our eyes as to what we have with each other. I'm still an emotional wreak and am suffering from huge anxiety but my H is now being completely open and honest with me. hes doing everything he can to make me feel safe and he understands that I don't trust him. hes even canceled every meeting he was supposed to attend in the next few months (without me asking him to). I'm hoping my increased sex drive stays the way it is and that it's not just a phase.
ReplyDeleteAbout 9 months ago my children found out that my husband of 19 years was sexting other women. They showed me the messages. My daughter had taken pictures with her phone of what she saw. When they told me I was devastated and outraged that I had to find out from my kids and that my H would do that. Like many I never thought in a million years my H would do that. We were always close until a couple of years ago. My kids are adults and older teens. The couple of years leading up to this were not good. We were fighting all the time, but I still loved him. He comes from an abusive home so we do not have any contact with his family and my family always treated him like an outcast even though he tried desperately hard to get them to like him. I was not good at sticking up for my H with my family. I learned early on to keep a low profile with my family so they didn't degrade you. My H tried too hard to get them to like him, which is not a crime. He says the hurt and abandonment he felt by me was more than he could take. The sexting was a way for him to feel wanted again. When I found out and confronted him he lied about it, but I kicked him out anyway. It took him 24 hours to come clean. I get that he panicked. He says there was never anything physical with any of these women. One was a girl from his HS that is 3 states away. I know he has had opportunities, but he swears that he did not touch any of them and loves me and wants only me and always has. All I can do is believe him or drive my self insane. He doesn't blame me for his stupidity. He wishes he had never done it and we did the marriage counseling and individual counseling. After he was out of the house for a week we were doing a lot of talking and connecting. We started making love about a week after I found out. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. We were doing it 3+ times a day. I felt like something was wrong with me. Am I turned on by his affair? I don’t think so, but the comment above that I was marking my territory seems very plausible. In marriage counseling it came out about my family and the hurt he felt. I can’t help but feel that I should have done more to defend him. I do feel guilt about that. I see my family from a very different perspective now. After 6 weeks apart I let him move back home. My family has disowned me since I have chosen to work things out with him. (BTW.. my sister’s husband of 2 years has been caught 3 times doing the exact same thing, but they like him). Our kids are mixed on how they feel about what they did. My girls have forgiven him. My boys don’t seem to want to forgive him for hurting me. I just wish this whole situation had been more private. It has been 9 months and I still feel like I can’t get enough of him. I worry every day that he will do it again. I am paranoid. I don’t know if this is normal or my hormones since I am peri-menopausal. My H wants me all the time too. Part of me says enjoy it and the its ok to have the bond and closeness that we are experiencing and the other side says be careful. If he does this again the fall will be much harder. I am a strong independent woman with a good job, but I feel like a teenager when we are together. I can’t bear the thought he would do this again. I don’t know how to get the thoughts out of my head. I find myself sneaking up on him when he is on the computer to see what he is doing. He has given me all his passwords. How do I stop the paranoia?
ReplyDeleteThe "paranoia" is common sense. He hid things from you that were very hurtful. You know this. So your brain, wisely, is telling you to make damn sure he's not doing it again. Over time, your fear will give way to trust, assuming that he time you do check what he's doing, it's innocent. But nine months out is still pretty fresh. This type of "trust violation" takes a long time to get over.
DeleteEnjoy the hysterical bonding. Sex and intimacy is a normal, wonderful way to rebuild a strong relationship. It makes sense to appreciate something you now recognize you could have lost. Each of you has suffered abuse from your families of origin -- that you can find that safety and acceptance in each other can be incredibly healing.
Stick with counselling as it can help each of you learn to better listen to each other and understand each other's point of view.
But the "gift" in this is that, sometimes, we find our way back to each other.
Re. your kids: Has you husband come clean with them and apologized to them for his moral lapse? It's a chance to teach them that, when we screw up, we take full responsibility. And it's a chance to also teach them that we're all worthy of forgiveness, as long as we do what we can to make amends. But that walking away would have also been a reasonable option. That we get to choose what we tolerate and what we don't...but that you've chosen this. And, perhaps, they can respect your choice as one made by a wise woman.
Elle
I too am very glad to find this page.
DeleteMy husband has been sexting another woman, and was to meet her for the first time the day I found out.
I feel so hurt and betrayed.
A week after D day, I was bowed over by an almost carnal need for sex. We have been having sex daily, and honestly it is the best we have ever had.
I wonder how long this will last, and how to cope when it fades.
I fear he will resort to cybersex again, despite being so sorry.
You can never be certain he won't resort for cyber sex again. But it's important for him to examine (preferably with a counsellor) why he was engaging in it the first place. And to ensure that he has something in place should the urge to do so comes again. People often use sex and/or the internet to avoid uncomfortable feelings. But he needs to figure out what his reasons were. By doing so, he helps you regain some trust in him.
DeleteElle
Thank God for your post! I found out 4 days ago my HTB had arranged an hour's appointment with an escort for the second time. Both times he cancelled before going. I'm hurt, numb, mad, scared, upset, empty, distrustful and so damn horny. 36 hours after the discovery I was all over him ans can't stop. Really selfish sex, like I want my dues. But I also can't stop thinking 'this is what she'd do to you'. I think I'm going insane. I haven't decided whether I'm going through with the wedding yet, but I know I'll be jumping on him again later. I feel ashamed of my reaction but also desperate to have him. We've been together 2 years and have always had a great sex life but this is something else.
ReplyDeleteV
V,
DeleteI'm so sorry. I just noticed your comment. What have you decided to do? I don't think I'd go through with anything unless he's completely mapped out a plan to sort through why he did this and how he's going to ensure he never goes down that road again. Life, unfortunately, doesn't offer guarantees, but I'd be damn sure he recognized just how serious this is.
Elle
I wish that I would have found this site sooner! My D-day was March 7, 2014. Four months after my father passed away. Thank you H! We have been married 10 years, together for 15. Found out he was cheating with woman from work who outweighs me by 220 pounds....really!? When I found out I went through the HB...but thought I was going CRAZY! Why would I want this man?!?! He is disgusting but I wanted him....For a year he refused to have sex with me, when we went through the HB, it was great!! Our sex life has never been that great! Then I stopped, when I found out he was still talking to her at work, about our marriage and our fights and even our sex life! WTH!!! Isn't anything sacred anymore???? He shared every detail with this woman about me for the past 2 1/2 years!!! I told him not to talk to her anymore but it still continues and he has lied to me about it all this time! He has even taken marital advice from her and she couldn't even stay married for 3 years, and can not even hold onto a relationship for longer than 6 months, but he will take advice from her!?!? I crave peace with this but I have been through 3 weeks of "the plain of lethal flatness". Coming out of that has opened my eyes and I feel nothing for him now.....absolutely nothing.....I do not want to be in the same room with him. He was never remorseful and never asked forgiveness until the counselor asked him why. I am not sure he even feels guilt about any of this....
ReplyDeleteIs it all gone? Everything? After all these years? This is what I have given my heart to? It is so hard to come to terms with this. We are in MC but I feel like we are going backwards.....I just want this to end...when does the roller coaster of emotion stop and the grief over our marriage end? I am so very tired.... emotionally, physically and spiritually.... ugh!
Of course, you're tired. You've been running marathons of emotion -- fighting like hell to save a marriage that he seems to care little about.
DeleteIt's not all "gone" -- you're not the same person you were 20 years ago and neither is he. But the marriage you thought you had isn't there. In fact, he's behaving as if there is no marriage.
At this point, you need to protect yourself by seeing a lawyer and determining what you're entitled to.
Trust that you can handle this. It will be hell...but you've shown already that you're strong enough.
The roller coaster of emotion will stop but you need to get off the ride. There's o marriage with someone who refuses to cut off contact and has no remorse for the pain he's caused.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.
Like many of you, I was the wife who would never stay if he cheated on me. We've been married now for 21 years and 6 days ago I found out he was having an affair with an old high school friend. Devastated. But the very next day I said to him, "You know what I think I need from you right now? I need you to want me more than ever!". We have been having the best sex everyday since, sometimes even twice a day. We went through a lot of shit over the past 3 years and I understand why it happened, but I am still having a very hard time coming to terms with it.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband told me the same thing happened. At our age he couldn't have had sex as often as I would have liked but I felt just like you. I thought I was crazy I thought I was losing my ever loving mind but I could not help it. With our Dr's. telling us we couldn't without protection and my close friends telling me to put him in aother bed room. I was going crazy. Untill shawn the wife I was beside my self. That's where I learned to turn to these blogs for support and great help.
ReplyDeleteSo glad I happend upon this post today! I thought I was losing my mind. long story short after 11 years of marriage my husband and I seperated because of his blatant and grossly inappropriate behavior on the internet (various social media sites), via text messaging, and then finally a pay as you go phone to hide his dirty little secrets. Fast forward to 9 months later (September 2014) we've finally started getting back on track, we communicating openly and honestly (or so i thought), we're working as a unit again, making plans to start moving back in together, the sex is A-MAZING...we're happy! (or so I thought). 3 weeks ago (November 2014) I got a devasting diagnosis from my PCP...Thankfully it was curable with antibiotics...Well after, a week of cursing him out, I completely came unglude and did a little "housekeeping" at his place. Anyway, since then all other tests for him and I have come back clean, but this shit still hurts, and I still want to castrate him every time i set eyes on him....but on the flip side I CRAVE him!!! I thought I was losing my mind. WTF would i want him to touch me???? But the odd thing is after that first time, i didn't feel the rage anymore, I'm still plenty angry, and very hurt. But it seems like every time we have sex which has been daily for last 4 days...this thing doesn't sting as much. So I guess for me since I do want to try to figure it out it's getting the ball rolling, towards me even being able to discuss reconcilitation.
ReplyDeleteIt's been six months and I still get terrible craving. I can't come close to explaining it. I have it so bad at times that I could pull my hair out and all things my husband was bending down under the kitchen sink and his back went completely out. He couldn't even stand up stright. He's been setting here for 2 weeks and can barely move. I think watching him in pain and hurting I have been much, much better. I would give anything to know the scientific reason for this. H. said I was killing him but he did get off the couch and got the Dr. to put him on Celiac. He said that he would be glad when I turned 68 so I would know how a old man feels. He should have thought of that before he decided to have sex 7 times with prostitutes that he found on Main St. and then had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't any good. Yea, Mr. A said the worst sex he ever had was great. Some how I believe Mr. A more than my own husband.
ReplyDeleteIt strange how two women can share the same experience and come out with two totaly different effects. I just found out that a very dear friend of mine told me this Sunday that her husband cheated on her when her son was 14 now he is around 55 and she is 78 and he is 80. She said that she hasn't had sex with her husband since her son was 14. She said she had never told anyone that it happened but I've known for years my brother told me. I cut her husband's hair I set close to them in church. We eat out together and through all this I've never seen two more unhappy people in my life. I just chalked it up to there grandson that's on drugs and they were fighting to keep him out of jail but after talking to her Sunday I think it was the sadness that they have shared for years. Yes they are upset over the grandson but all those lonely years has damage them both. So girls maybe it's better for us to have the worst case of hysterical bonding than die of a broken heart.
I'm so glad I found this blog. I find out my husband was cheating on me again. He did it some years back, and I did it as well, knowing that he was out there cheating, we moved forward and forgave, so I thought! Men seem to have a hard time forgiving women, but we have to learn to forgive and move forward. Well, I want and desire sex from my husband and he still went out and messed around on me. Because he cant forgive me. I'm so Hurt, Angry, Bitter, and I feel Rage inside! I want to do damage to make them pay. I can't believe it, and on top of it I want sex with him. Why? I can't stand him, but love him. We haven't talked about it, and that what I'm ready for. He is a coward and a liar and its goin to take God for me to get past this and heal. They will reap what they sow! But I still want sex with my husband. He belongs to me and he has distant himself from me. I hate that. I'm glad I found others who are on the same situation as me.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't talked about it? What are you waiting for? Whenever someone appears on this site and notes that cheating occurred before but "I forgave him and we moved past it", I get alarm bells in my head. Healing from betrayal isn't about "forgiving" if forgiving simply means uttering the words. True forgiveness is about rolling up your sleeves and doing the hard work of rebuilding together. Only then can we truly forgive. Too often we think forgiveness is about dividing our lives into "before" and "after". Please talk about what's going on in your marriage and figure out if it can be salvaged. It's going to take more than sex to heal.
DeleteHave you thought about why you had an affair? Did you do it to get even? Did you do it just because you needed sex? Did you do it because you were lonely? Or all the above. When we are suffering this pain that only we can suffer nothing makes sense. What they did to us makes no sense what we do to ourselves makes no sense. Life makes no sense and death makes no sense. We are caught up in a tornado. We can't get out, no one can get in. We can't go untouched, we can't go without touching something or someone. We are going to live in a shell or are we not going to live at all. I'm so thankful that I read your post. It's been awhile since I've been on here and maybe nothing that I've said has made a lick of sence, this is where after many months I found help. I found the healing here that I needed.
ReplyDeleteAfter my husband told me of his cheating not only was I heartbroken I was numb. The only thing in this world that made any sense at all to me was my husband's love. I wanted it all day and all night. I wanted it 7 days a week. I got on the Internet that same day and I stayed on it for how many months till I found shawn the wife I was ready to throw the towel in. This is definitely not at all lady like and certainly not being a christrian but I wanted to fuck. I wanted it any and every way that you can do it. At first my husband couldn't he was in as much shock as I was. He just thought that he was going to play around a little have a little fun and everything was going to be ok well it wasn't. He got caught by the cops he had to tell me we had to be tested for STD'S. It's taken us 6 months to get over it and I still suffer from hysterical bonding. We have sex about once a week but that's not to this day enough for me and I'm 61 years old. My husband is taking Celiac it's working a miracle on him but for the life of me I can't in a million years figure out why he wouldn't have tryed that before the whores.
Please keep one thing in mind God says vengeance are his and I know as hard as it is please don't try to get even. Remember God's timeing is not our timeing. God can only forgive us by the way we forgive others. Maybe your husband dosen't think he should be forgiven maybe that's why he want forgive you. Maybe he thinks like my husband that's he done nothing wrong. He's admitted that what he's done was wrong but all water under the bridge. If I did it totally double standards. I don't have a clue if I've made any sense but I told God that if He would see me through this I would forever use it to try and help others.
You are with a good bunch of girls hang with us share and know that you are loved.
I want to wish every lady on here a most blessed New Year.
P.S. if you ever need a friend look me up on
Experience Project my user name Estillgirl make sure you send attention to The Betrayed wife club. I will know to friend you. Or anyone that needs to talk.
Have you thought about why you had an affair? Did you do it to get even? Did you do it just because you needed sex? Did you do it because you were lonely? Or all the above. When we are suffering this pain that only we can suffer nothing makes sense. What they did to us makes no sense what we do to ourselves makes no sense. Life makes no sense and death makes no sense. We are caught up in a tornado. We can't get out, no one can get in. We can't go untouched, we can't go without touching something or someone. We are going to live in a shell or are we not going to live at all. I'm so thankful that I read your post. It's been awhile since I've been on here and maybe nothing that I've said has made a lick of sence, this is where after many months I found help. I found the healing here that I needed.
ReplyDeleteAfter my husband told me of his cheating not only was I heartbroken I was numb. The only thing in this world that made any sense at all to me was my husband's love. I wanted it all day and all night. I wanted it 7 days a week. I got on the Internet that same day and I stayed on it for how many months till I found shawn the wife I was ready to throw the towel in. This is definitely not at all lady like and certainly not being a christrian but I wanted to fuck. I wanted it any and every way that you can do it. At first my husband couldn't he was in as much shock as I was. He just thought that he was going to play around a little have a little fun and everything was going to be ok well it wasn't. He got caught by the cops he had to tell me we had to be tested for STD'S. It's taken us 6 months to get over it and I still suffer from hysterical bonding. We have sex about once a week but that's not to this day enough for me and I'm 61 years old. My husband is taking Celiac it's working a miracle on him but for the life of me I can't in a million years figure out why he wouldn't have tryed that before the whores.
Please keep one thing in mind God says vengeance are his and I know as hard as it is please don't try to get even. Remember God's timeing is not our timeing. God can only forgive us by the way we forgive others. Maybe your husband dosen't think he should be forgiven maybe that's why he want forgive you. Maybe he thinks like my husband that's he done nothing wrong. He's admitted that what he's done was wrong but all water under the bridge. If I did it totally double standards. I don't have a clue if I've made any sense but I told God that if He would see me through this I would forever use it to try and help others.
You are with a good bunch of girls hang with us share and know that you are loved.
I want to wish every lady on here a most blessed New Year.
P.S. if you ever need a friend look me up on
Experience Project my user name Estillgirl make sure you send attention to The Betrayed wife club. I will know to friend you. Or anyone that needs to talk.
I thought I was going insane last night. This actually made 100 % sense! I felt guilty afterward because like you said in your blog, how could I want him? This is the first time he has cheated on me. Apparently It was a one night stand with some chick he doesn't even know or remember her name. Still not an excuse. He explained it was 25 mins of a quickie bang, he left the apartment as they finished and was physically sick when he got to our car. I almost cried after because half way through all I could see was him banging this nameless faceless chick. Is that normal? I have felt the world tip upside down for me and come to a crash. I ended up having a nervous break down and am now in a bit of counseling. I hate him and yet still fucking love him (pardon my language). Last night.. I have no clue who started it but it happened, we screwed and it was great. I crave him yet I don't want him to think its okay for him to fuck around behind my back and think he can still get with me. I'm such a mess of emotions today. This is normal right?
ReplyDeleteYep. Crazy is the new normal.
DeleteHow are you doing? I'm sorry. I just saw your comment.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. My husband and I had the most amazing sex of our marriage in the wake of D-day. I thought I must be insane! He thought I'd never want to touch him again, yet the day after his confession I was all over him like a crazy person. How could I want him so much after he'd betrayed me in the worst way possible? I thought maybe this meant I didn't respect myself? It almost felt like I was rewarding him for cheating by having sex with him as often as we could. I was so relived to read this post and realize I'm not the only one who experienced this.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to say that the hysterical part of it went away around 4 - 6 months post D-day. While we were still having sex just as often, I no longer had the panicky feelings about it. I also noticed that when it was hysterical bonding sex, it would be great during, then afterwards I would be breaking down in tears and feeling even more devastated than before we had sex. It was such an exhausting roller-coaster.
It's now almost 11 months, and our sex life actually feels much more normal now. The way it should have been all along. My husband was an undiagnosed porn addict before he even met me, and it affected our sex life right from the beginning of our relationship.
~Gee
It's been almost 3 months for me. And the insatiable need for sex with him started immediately. And of course I keep thinking I must be crazy, and at times think how pathetic I must be. To know that not only has he been having sex with someone else, he has feelings for her. I honestly don't know how this will end. I only know I don't want to give him up. The crazy non stop sex of the first couple weeks has definitely died off. Only because he is pulling away. I feel like I'm begging him to have sex with me and he is doing his best not to. It's like he will at times give in and "let" me give him oral. I feel so completely worthless. Then he tells me he thinks he owes it to both of us to try and fix our marriage (we've been together for 16 years, married almost 12) but then says he still wonders if he would be happier with her. I can't go on like this much longer.
ReplyDeleteYou SHOULDN'T go on like this much longer. He's playing you...dangling the possibility of this other woman. It's twisted and cruel.
DeleteWhile I'm all for hysterical bonding when it's part of a true reconciliation, sex as manipulation (either giving it or withholding it) is absolutely not okay.
You need to make it clear to this guy that the blowjobs are over. That, until he's willing to commit to rebuilding the marriage 110% that you're simply not interested. This isn't some sort of crazy competition for his love. This is about him either honouring his commitment to you and establishing NO contact with her, or dissolving the marriage.
Have you heard of the 180? Makes sense to try it here. I would also urge you to see a lawyer and protect yourself financially. No need to let him know, just get clear on your rights.
Here's info on the 180: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
While reading through these posts, I kept thinking how interesting these were and how much this explained what I have been feeling. I found out last month that my husband who I have been with for 29 years had been having an affair for the past 4 months with a coworker. She is 20 years younger than him and only 6 years older than our oldest child. This truly disgusts me in every way. Then I found out that she is pregnant although it is hard to determine who the father is really is when she has multiple partners (yes I have already been tested for STD). My emotional state is a complete roller coaster but as I focus more on my children, I find myself feeling sorry for him. Our oldest two are very angry with him and do not want much to do with him. He is a good father and I don't want them to take on my hurt and anger. As I try to repair the bridge for them, he has tried to comfort me and wants to reconcile because he is sorry for his behavior (although it could also be due to the fact that she broke up with him after I contacted her). We have such a history together and while I really hate him right now, I will always love him even though that sounds so strange and confusing. He has always been the one that I went to for comfort. He tried once to turn it around on my which didn't go so well for him as I reminded him that I have not been happy either, but I had more faith in "us" than he did and remained faithful thinking that we would eventually get us back on track. When he knows that I am upset he tries to hold me and kiss me and at one point I nearly attacked him needing that intimacy with someone. I was able to reign it back in before sleeping with him but I really wanted to and still do. I am completely ashamed of myself even though I know that I should not be and know that if I did sleep with him I would hate myself for it but the draw is still there. I think that I just need some physical comfort but am not the type of person who will pursue it elsewhere. After reading so many of these posts, I hope to let some of my confusion and frustration over my own reactions go. I do not believe that I can reconcile with him, even though I would like nothing more than to just forget this has happened and move on, because I have lost so much respect and all of the trust that I had in him. I now simply hope to survive until the next phase of my life kicks in. Hopefully, I can keep my libido in check until I find the courage to move on.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm sorry for all you've gone through. Sorry for your kids too and, yes, even sorry for your husband who's paying a high price for his idiocy.
I think seeking comfort in sex is a pretty "normal" reaction to such pain. You're wise to recognize that. Perhaps a sex toy??
Wow i thought i had lost my mind. I found out my husband had an affair last week. I was so mad and moved out and refused to see him then last night i took my son to his house and somehow we kissed and it was the most fiery and passionate kiss we have ever had and one thing led to another and we had sex. Today i want him more but im also mad at myself for ever letting him close to me again. I am not sure what to do i woke up this morning and i thought i love my husband but then was immediately reminded why i left. I am so confused??
ReplyDeleteHere is what I don't understand. I feel this desire. But, he doesn't want to be with me. At first he said he was still healing. It has been three months since DDay, and he says he wants to work on the relationship, but he still isn't ready. I asked why he could have sex with her (it was a one night stand), but not me. He said he didn't respect her, but he respects me. I feel totally rejected-again. I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteAre you two in any kind of counselling? It sounds as if he's really struggling with intimacy and shame. There's certainly more going on there than he's articulating. Sex without emotion is easy. Far harder to experience intimacy with a partner we care about because it brings up so many deep feelings that some of us don't want to face.
DeleteI would urge him to seek counselling to get to the root of this. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage.
I am receiving counseling. He has been once. I knew we were having trouble for a few years, and tried to get him to go to counseling with me. We had been through a lot of really difficult life situations, and the stress was really wearing both of us out so I knew we needed help. He never would go. He says now he just thought I was trying to straighten him out. I have asked him to go to counseling and he says he will, but won't make it a priority. I think you are right though that he is having major intimacy issues. I just don't know how to handle the whole thing. I seems super crazy that I was betrayed, but I have to help him heal.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteYou don't have to help him heal. In fact, I would argue you CAN'T help him heal. That's an inside job, as they say. It's HIS job. You can only keep yourself strong and your boundaries strong. You get to decide what you want in a marriage and you get to insist on what you need. If he can't or won't value that enough to help ensure that your marriage is meeting both partner's needs, then he's not really a partner in your marriage.
I would insist on the counselling...and if I were you, I would get individual counselling for yourself. You need support through this and help figuring out how to disentangle yourself from his problems.
I should call myself "searching for boundaries" but once I figure those out, I am sure I will be needing strength to stick to them so I am moving onto that with my chosen moniker. Here's my difficulty. I have decided that the OW in my H's case is his work. He just threw in sex with a slut when the work wasn't satisfying enough. Really the OW is his constant seeking for something to make himself feel valuable. I see that. (no disrespect to those of you whose partners have real OW). In my case though, he can continue to "justify" his disengagement from the marriage because it is for the "noble" cause of providing for his family. In the mean time I am home as the single parent struggling with everything like that and now HE has thrown in the land mine of emotional upheaval by betraying me. How do I put a boundary around his work? He is almost always gone and then talks of being gone more soon. I think he is being honest about not cheating more than the one time, but of course, I am never going to be fully satisfied, and I don't trust for a second that he can remain faithful for the long haul if he won't even attempt to deal with his demons. I am going to individual counseling, but honestly it doesn't really feel like it is helping. I will insist on the MC, but what if he keeps putting it off "for work?" For three months I have listened to him "blaming" me for what is/was wrong with our marriage. (It's sort of my fault, I kept asking him, but still.) So far he has said, "I know I am responsible for what I did," "It was a mistake I made in a dark time." And "He thought I didn't like him." I am just really at the end of it all. I can't bear to hear how I was mean, fat, withdrawn. None of which is true, except the fat thing, I am, but I am also verifiably SICK, and he isn't capable of empathy or connection. How can that be fixed if he just keeps avoiding the realities of his issues by running off to work projects to try to make himself feel valuable? I'm sorry. I am just rambling. I feel so confused and so alone. and hopeless.
DeleteSFS,
DeletePlease don't apologize. This site is exactly for rambling. For trying to figure our way through this mess.
I think you should stick with your IC even if you don't think it's helping. See if there's something -- anything -- that your counsellor is saying to you that either makes you bristle with indignation and discomfort...or that suddenly makes sense. It can be hard to see progress week by week. Often we can only see it in hindsight. But it sounds as if a major issue in your marriage is that your husband simply won't compromise with you. He's using work as a way to avoid dealing with the issues in the marriage, that he's blaming you for anyway.
Thing is...you can't change him. You can hope he'll seeking counselling...but at this point, he'll likely use counselling to simply vent about all the ways in which you make his marriage hard. Unless he acknowledges that his workaholism is a problem (and it sounds like he's not), then you're not going to get anywhere.
So what can you do?
Well...you can start to make decisions based on what's really happening in your marriage and on what you can control. Stop wishing things were different. Stop hoping things will be different. Deal with what's happening right now.
You can accept that he's a workaholic and make peace with that.
You can accept that he's a workaholic and file for a separation.
You can make it clear that you can't be in a marriage with someone who isn't an equal partner. You can determine what the consequences are if he doesn't seek help -- either IC or MC -- and then figure out how long you're willing to wait to see change.
SFS, you can only control you and trying to change that is a recipe for misery. It sucks. Life would be so much better if people just did what we told them to do. We know what's best for them! But life doesn't work that way. We each get to make our own choices, even when those choices are stupid and hurtful and wrong.
You might be surprised what happens when you stop demanding change and accept things as they are...for now. You get to take the time to figure out whether you can live with this or not. You get to make that choice for yourself...but make it based on what's happening or what's reasonable to anticipate, not some ideal.
Talk to your counsellor about that and see if he/she can help you come to a place of acceptance for what is, instead of what should be. Then you get to decide what your next step is. And that choice will come from a place of intention and compassion rather than manipulation and frustration.
I think it's like gas lighting. Is that what it's called? It's like he is so reasonable, but then never does what I desire. He says he will. He says he's going to....any minute now. Then he doesn't so I ask about it. Then he has all of these really "reasonable" reasons that prevented him from doing it and all these really reasonable evidences that he's really trying and I'm just not being patient and I'm getting emotional. So I end up confused and incredibly emotional and feeling like I am crazy. I already know I don't want to do this any more. The truth, I adore him and totally want things to work out, but I KNOW he's not going to change. I KNOW I am worn out from it. But what to do? My counselor seems to want me to stay. I admit that's what I want, but it's too draining. I just don't feel like I can do this any more. I am trying to figure out how to NOT ruin my kids' lives even though the reality is that it's HIS doing, not mine. I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm too sick, I'm too tired. I just can't figure out how to go on anymore. Thanks for listening.
ReplyDeleteOh! I can relate. After uncovering my husbands affair of at least two yrs., I was on him every day and night . A bonus to it was I had lost about 30lbs and my energy level was way high. After 30 yrs of being together married 28 of them it was better sex then when we first met. Then one day he stopped being intimate no hugs etc. then one night I was awaken and it was awesome , I thought until he said her name. I pushed him away and told him to wake up he was dreaming. I broke down and cried beating my bed with my fist.
ReplyDelete...He said he was not dreaming and he didn't call her name. He knows how to make me laugh when I'm having a moment or in that hating stage. And making me feel sexy especially now that I've almost reached my goal weight. I've even proposed to him to let me have a night or two out so I could experience someone new after 30 yrs of just him. His response , "if that's what you want to do." That hurt but I could not take him up on it but a girl can dream without waking in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me say that I'm so glad I found this site!! I'm not alone! When I found out my husband was having an emotiinal affair with a woman at work, I felt completely alone and isolated. It's been 6 days since I made the discovery. Funny thing is I knew something wasn't right. He started dressing nicer for work. Fixing his hair. Caring about his appearance more, and he is not at all the type of guy that cares about those things. I called him on it and he just laughed it off, laughed at me. But I knew.
I found out because our son was playing games on my phone over Christmas break one evening and I was really tired and wanted to go to bed. I asked my son, 5 years old, to please bring my phone back to my room because I had an alarm set to wake up early to pick his older sister up from the airport the next morning. Well, I woke up at 3 am and realized he hadn't brought me my phone back. So, I went to look for it but couldn't find it. My husband had fallen asleep on the couch and his phone was laying on the ottoman so I grabbed his and figured I wold just set an alarm on his phone instead so I could go back to sleep for a few hours. I wanted to check my email to verify my daughters flit time one more time, so I was just going to log him out of his email and log me into mine quick. Well, when I clicked on email hundreds of sexual and graphic emails popped up between him and this Co worker. I immediately woke him up and asked who the fuck this chick was. I was livid. Devastated. Crushed. Angry. You name it. He says it never got physical. It was just a fantasy. Not real. I feel like this excuse minimizes my pain. The pain is VERY real and VERY raw!! This isn't the first time something like this has append either. The behavior has escalated. The first time I was pregnant with our son and after I would go to bed he would get on these sex chat sites and send pictures back and forth and sext with them. We worked through that...I guess....kinda. But now, I r ealize his behavior never changed and there could be more that I don't know. There probably is, but I'm not sure my heart can handle hearing it. We have 3 children. 2 together and one from my previous marriage. The oldest from my previous marriage, just moved back home and he's ripped the security she thought she had right out from under her. How could he be so selfish???? Our sex life has always been amazing, but recently it had declined....my desire to take care of myself declined. I have a thyroid condition and type 2 diabetes. I am not in the best of health and I am tired more often than not. No doubt that all takes a toll on our relationship....but I in no way blame myself. E was supposed to be there for me to lift me up and help me. Instead he was just helping himself. The sex in the last 6 days has been mind blowing and constant, but i, like so many of yoh, feel dirty afterwards. Why do I desire him? I don't know. But I can't get enough of him now. I've had enough of his behavior, his lies, his empty promises, but I can't get enough sex. Ugh. I'm a stay at home mom. I can't support my kids alone. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this cycle of sex and pain. He has agreed to individual and marital counseling....but he is and always has been so closed off emotionally that I'm not sure it's going to help. The most bizarre part for me is that he says he is afraid to talk to me the way he talks to these other women?? Hes more comfortable having sexual fantasies with strangers than with his own wife...whereas, I am only comfortable exploring my fantasies and sexuality with him. Help!!!!!
Unknown,
DeleteSo much of whether we can move past our partner's affair comes down to their willingness to get to the root of why they did what they did. If your husband has been relying on porn/sex chats/fantasy for a long time, it's likely become a coping mechanism for stress/anxiety/whatever, not unlike someone who pours himself a drink after a tough day. In some cases, it's a matter of sexual proclivity and if that's what he likes, then that's what he likes. But it precludes a monogamous relationship with you so he would have to accept that loss. If he does want to rebuild a marriage with you, then he needs to determine if he can accept monogamy.
For some guys, the sex chats, etc. have more to do with dysfunction on their part. But that's for him to figure out.
What you need to figure out is whether or not you're willing to give him a second chance and, if so, what the parameters are. Personally, I would insist that he seek therapy to figure out why he risks his marriage for meaningless chats/encounters. I would insist on access to his phone/computers -- perhaps even a key logger to monitor his internet use. Couples counselling would also be a good idea to better learn how to handle stress and whether this storm in particular.
It's not impossible to rebuild a marriage after infidelity but it takes a lot of hard work and commitment...and time.
August this year I found out my husband of 15 years has been having an affair for the past 2 years, she has even been to my house and met me and our son and this was whilst he was sleeping with her. Life between us hasn't been great, he put on weight, snored which forced me to move out of the bedroom, how we actually managed to have our son still remains a mystery to me, and as our son got older we seem to use him as a buffer between us, and ultimately I started to reject him, even though he lost the weight and I came back into the bedroom i just wasn't interested, and he seemed to frustrate me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I discovered by accident emails and videos on his private account. I had been suspect for nearly a year, he just wasn't himself, but I had no proof and as I sat and watched video after video, and after 15 years I didn't need to see his face, a wife just knows the sounds her husband makes, my fears were realised. I put one of the vides on my iPad and confronted him. Long story short, I did the same thing, after 2 days of harassing me and trying to get me to talk to him, he finally broke down, and every mother instinct in my, just wanted to hold him, and tell him it was going to be ok, which I did, it took me 2 nights to go and sleep beside him, and then after counselling we made love like we were 18 again.
We have been great, and the video images although in my head daily, started to slow up until a party last weekend, where I sat and watched him go tongue to tongue with another women, a good friend, he's always liked her, as he craves attention, likes to be noticed, she is much the same, so for lack of a better description, she will play with him, and he likes that. Once he did this to her twice, he then kissed me and it was I want to fuck you now kiss, with that I left the party. He can't remember me telling him that it was unacceptable 5 months after asking me to stay with him and forgive him, to be doing this to another women, and admitting to me that he has fantasies about her from the day he met her, he commented how open she is, that she is so funny, how much he likes her, I totally agree she's a good friend.
I'm now really struggling with this. I have spoken to her, and she knows what's going on, but it's not my job to ward off other women, it's his job now to show me that I can trust him, to show me that he wants only me, and respects me. 5 months after it all came out, and he originally chose to only tell me half the story and had me believing that this happended 2 years ago, not that he last slept with her in March when he took her away for a weekend whilst texting me at the same time that he loved me and missed me and was coming home early from a business trip to be with me.
How do you deal with this?
Unknown,
DeleteYou deal with it by enlisting help. I think you need a professional to help you navigate this. Your husband's lack of respect is appalling. I can't imagine how painful that was to watch him with this other woman. You say they went "tongue to tongue" and I'm assuming you're not speaking metaphorically. Do you have an open marriage? How was this considered acceptable by other people at this party? It sounds shocking to me that he would do this to you.
As for this woman being a "good friend", she's a mistress. She's not a "good friend".
I confess I'm confused by your marriage. If you want monogamy, then it sounds as if you're with the wrong man. But if HE wants monogamy with you then you've got a lot of work ahead.
HE SAYS HE DOSEN'T HAVE TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SEEING THE SIDE CHICK PROSTITUTE, THAT'S MY NAME FOR HER TO ANYONE. SHE SENT ME AN EMAIL AND ASKED ME TO CEASE TRYING TO CONTACT HER. THEY ARE BOTH CRAZY. I THINK SHE HAS A VOODOO DOLL ON HIM BECASUSE HE RECENTLY STARTED TO CLAIM OF HAVING A CRAMP RIGHT AFTER HE WOULD CUM. THE LAST TIME IT WAS JUST AS HE ENTERED AND PENATRATION STARTED. WHAT KIND OF ... IS THAT SORRY IF THE BECAME A VISUAL TO ANY ONE. LOL ITS KINDA OF FUNNY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP FROM CRYING.
ReplyDeleteHOW DO I ADDRESS THIS ONE?
didntcitcoming,
DeleteHe doesn't have to prove that he's not seeing her anymore if he's content to watch you walk out the door. That's where your boundaries come in. If he refuses to prove to you that he's no longer cheating, then you can refuse to be in a relationship with him. It's pretty simple.
I know how devastating this is. I know the pain is horrible. But at some point you need to state clearly and unequivocally that you have certain conditions for reconciliation and let him know: number one is absolutely no contact with his affair partner. That is not up for debate. And if you need proof, then he needs to provide it. You don't owe him anything. He owes you honesty and decency and respect after breaking your heart. If he's not interested in offering you any of those things, then he's making it clear that your future is going to include more heartbreak.
So...22 yrs with my husband..married 12..and Monday I caught him texting a trailer factory whore telling her he wants to hang with her. He claims no cheating but the chic has told him several times he is cute or whatever giving him the flirt i am a whore routine. I lost my mind when i found the texts.. I escalated the situation. He had not cheated BUT i kind of consider a 44 YEAR OLD man has no business texting a 28 ur old whore..she is 8 years older than our oldest daughter. I have no shame. I slapped shit out of him..totally open hand..didnt want our 5 year old to see any bruising...well i still blacked his eye..kicked him out and stripped everything from him. No money..no car to leave..phone got destroyed. He was gone 2 nights..i contacted the whore..let her kno..i will not play games. I will go to jail..no problem. I have 2 daughter a 20 year old..5 yr old and a 6 mo old..my husband is my best friend..we grew up togeather..knon him since 5years old...i called his work...since he had no car..no money..his work is 45 mins away..he did not go to work for 2 days.. Boss man called me yesterday to see whats up.. I told him..let him kno that i find out anything else goes on .I will go up in that plant sideways and beat a whores ass. She can look at him this morning and better kno his face is from being slapped ..OPEN HANDED.. I have examples to show my girls..one example is men do not walk on women. I am nuts and insane..i kno this..but i cant have my feelings hurt. My husband i spoke last night..he back in the house..he told me how the whore has been all about him for a week..and he told him self it was just an ego boost..he turned 44 and had a 28 year old telling him he is cute...everyone knowd him and has worked with him for years...this is a shock..he does not speak out of line about females ever..not even when hanging with the boys he doesnt talk trash about girls..this was not like him. But i understand the power of the P..it pisses me off cuz we have been poor style in the bedroom for months. So it wasnt lack of sex...the chic not even pretty and he admitted she wasnt that pretty..which whatever...but he has been back tonwork now an hour..lol..he has a nice pretty "cute" black eye ..works with an entire factory making horse trailers..so embarraessed he should be. I would of laid my life ob the line that he would never have done this 2 me. So a blk eye and humiliation is deserved and should b taken. I have taken alot on the chin for years over stupid choices of his..nothing like this of course.. Actually impressed my anxiety didnt take it to trying to kill him. He was well aware if he ever tried or did cheat how i would b. That whores karma is me.. Cuz if i ever see her in public i will create a scene. Last night after he came home and spoke.. I wanted sex..WHY..AM I INSANE...Well ya a little..but i felt like i needed to mark my territory to show him that ..Nope..not accepted..MINE...but he was so tired and half asleep.. So no sex and i am pissed...woke up at 4 with him..and didnt mean 2 start arguement but wanted to make sure that he tells the whore 2 bak the fuck up cuz if not i will come at her..and he is aware that our 20 yr old knows..last thing a daddy wants is his daughter snatchin a whore up by her hair. He knows how we r ..he is the same way... I am just devestated he did this.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteBetrayal is devastating. It cuts us deeply. And many of us have responded with intense anger. But I'm concerned about the physical abuse you inflicted. Trust me, I completely get how hurt and angry you were. But just like it's not okay for him to do that to you, it's absolutely not okay for you to do that to him. It's abuse. You want to teach your daughters to not allow anyone to walk over them but in a way that's not going to land them in jail. You want them to learn to stand in their own dignity and strength, not a place of out-of-control anger.
I know you didn't come here for a lecture. And there isn't a woman on this site who doesn't know your pain with many of us fantasizing about kicking the shit out of both our husbands and the OW. But I can't stay silent when someone is being physically abused, whether a male or a female. It sounds as if you could use some support to learn to manage your anger in a way that's healthy and won't land you in jail. I would really urge you to find a counsellor who can help you. I'm glad your husband recognizes that he was being seduced by flattery, that it wasn't about the woman so much as his own ego. But you want to model behaviour to your own girls that reflects your dignity and self-respect and, yes, respect for your husband too.
So glad I found this blog. And so glad that I'm not as crazy as I thought. Here is my most recent concern. My husband has agreed to keep in touch regularly throughout the day. A call, a text, an email. Hourly. He has failed on this several times in the past 6 months. When he fails, I go into anxiety, panic, anger mode. I feel physically sick and panicked. I try to push the thoughts away. Sometimes I fantasize that he was in a terrible accident and died and other times I want to smack him for not honoring his promise to keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the past he would get behind on tasks/chores he agreed to. (such as returning his girlfriend's shit to her). He forgets and then fails to tell me. I then try NOT to remind him or ask him, but my emotions overwhelm me and then I ask. I resent having to ask. I told him last night, that if he is incapable of keeping his promise to keep in touch with me and follow through with agreed upon tasks that I won't stay being his wife. And now he is acting all sad.
I'm at the "go ahead and be sad" point. He caused me so much grief and anguish over 12 out of 17 years of our marriage by having and on and off again affair with the same woman and then lying and lying and lying about it even though I KNEW.
So I think it is time he pony up and do what he says he will do. Otherwise, I feel it is a sign that he just doesn't care enough.
Any thoughts on that?
Thoughts on that?? Oh yeah...
DeleteYou need to create some really clear boundaries. He's asking you to give him the chance to prove that he's not a total asshole. And then...he reveals himself to be an asshole again.
Not okay.
Figure out exactly what you need from him. He doesnt' get to "forget". What are the consequences if he doesn't call? What are the consequences if he doesn't return her crap? What are the consequences for ignoring your clearly stated needs/wants?
And then...enforce them. It's not about punishment, it's about making it clear that your needs are not options.
He doesn't return her stuff? Call someone to haul it to Goodwill. He "forgets" to call? Does he sleep on the couch? Will he find the door locked? separation papers? What are consequences that you will actually force. It's about helping you feel safe and in control. The anxiety comes from feeling disempowered and out of control. If A, then B. Every. Single. Time.
Hi I've just found out H had one night stand last year 3 days before our baby was born, I saw him on his phone & something clicked that he was up to something so i waited few days then told him after smear test that doc said some thing showed up and wanted me to hv stI test ( I told him if he had anything to tell me now was telling time ) it took 4 days before he admit it, telling me few different versions before telling me the truth, I rang the girl & She knew nothing about Me so she told me the truth and confirmed everything he had said, I knew she was telling the truth because she told me when it happened (3 days before baby was born) but he had left that part out, but she told me it was a one night drunken thing and she hadn't seen him after that.
ReplyDeleteWe have had weeks of talking, crying, fantastic sex with me bursting into tears and him doing everything to reassure me but I can't stop thinking, hurting, crying and feeling like I can never trust him again. I feel like there may have been other girls / times but he refuses to admit it..
So after weeks I have decided that best thing to do is for him to leave & let me have space to figure thing's out, I love him but I also hate him for making me feel like this & don't no what else to do.
I feel so out of control & dont no of things will get better or not and feel like I'm stuck in this shit situation
Anonymous,
DeleteYou are in a shit situation...but you're not necessarily stuck there. On top of the upheaval of betrayal, you're also dealing with new motherhood, crazy hormones, exhaustion. I hope you have some support through all this.
A separation isn't a bad idea in order for both of you to figure out what you want going forward. It comes down to whether or not you want to wash your hands of this guy (as your husband; you'll be dealing with his as your child's father for, well, forever) and move forward or whether you want to try and rebuild a marriage. Either choice is completely legitimate and yours to make. But it's impossible to rebuild a marriage with a partner who's not fully committed to honesty and respect.
But start, Anonymous, by getting yourself some support in the form of a counsellor, or wise friend.
DeleteI found out my husband cheated on me via Facebook from the other woman herself. She was mad because he didn't want to be with her, but just hearing the things he said about me to her was awful.She friend requested me months prior to me finding out ad I asked my husband who she was and he told me lies in which I believed (I felt like such a dummy) He is a compulsive liar. I'm like who is this man? I'm just disgusted. He had her thinking they would be together. She starts working at his job in September, by October he's sleeping with her raw. I just can't get over it.
ReplyDeleteThey are all liars. They couldn't tell the truth if it was whispered in their ears.
ReplyDeleteAll I want to do is have sex with CH every day. He says he loves me. I don't believe him. He cheated for so many years with so many women. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. But at least we can have mind blowing sex and give our kids a stable home.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to have come across this article because I literally felt crazy and somewhat ashamed of myself for wanting my boyfriend after I discovered he cheated on me. We'd been dating for 4 years he brought me overseas during the holidays to meet his parents, we started talking marriage, everything felt perfect and I was simply over the moon. I'm 4 months pregnant and we're preparing for a child, and I recently found out that two other women are fretting that they might also be expecting a baby. By the grace of God, I have not killed him! Angry and devastated, I kicked him out over the weekend and by his return on Sunday evening all I could think about was riding him like never before, I'm so horny.... I thought it was the pregnancy hormones... or me just being straight up cookoo for cocoa puffs! I literally hate his guts but want him so bad at the same time.. i can't wait until this "hysterical bonding" phase ends so I can just move on!
ReplyDeleteI can only share with you one thing that I know you have been told many times or at least you've told yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt takes time, lots of time.
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and being pregnant.
In time you will learn how to work through it and move on.
Please be careful very careful about having sex with him. The last thing that you need is a S T D.
Lossing!! How have you been? We've been wondering how you are and what's up. Please post on one of the newer posts (which gets a lot more readership) and fill us in. We've missed you.
DeleteLossing you have no idea how often you have been on my mind!!! Please let us know how you are!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I came across this blog. I thought it was bizarre that I wanted to have sex with my husband in the weeks after the reveal. Now I'm not interested at all. Your blogs have been spot on. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI begged my husband to have sex with me "one last time, so I can say goodbye," after I found out he was cheating. His cruelty was astounding. He told me no, because it "wouldn't be fair" to his affair partner, "even though she said she knew it might happen." WTF?
ReplyDeleteIm reading every post and understand both sides I really do BUT the vows that were said were "for better or worse" ok worse is not enough sex for one or the other..My parents were married for just shy of 35 yrs 1 week before she was killed in a car accident...My Dad was devastated..wanted to kill himself to be with his love..He confessed to my brothers they did not have sex for 20 yrs..she had gained weight and didnt feel good about herself BUT he was committed and truly loved her and stood by his vows... Ok my story married 31yrs as first sex was great 5 kids one right after another...I couldnt figure out why I didnt want sex..no desire well fast forward menopause stage.. hormone check yep zero esterdiol started bioidential ya holy buckets want sex daily shared the news with H...better for worse...he had hired prostitutes and 1 night stands He didnt believe me at first but before he got caught I wanted sex every day..He played the gae "Oh sure now she wants it"' Yup hes paying the price now
ReplyDeleteFor me, the bonding had nothing to do with marking my territory or proving I was better than her. It was brought on by an emotional closeness I felt with my husband after he was honest and open about everything. And remorseful. When he brought lies into our marriage, the intimacy suffered, although I didn't know why at the time. I can even pinpoint the month I noticed a difference in our intimacy corresponding with the same month he started periodically watching porn and keeping it a secret. Lies are an invisible wedge between husband and wife. Once he removed the wedge by being honest, the intimacy naturally came back. I am convinced that as long as there are no secrets between us, the intimacy will always be there because that's how it was for our first 7 years of marriage when there were no secrets.
ReplyDeleteThis is happening to me right now. My partner has been sexting 2 other women and all I want to do is jump in bed with him like ive never wanted to before. I can't quite get my head around it and I've not done it yet as im sort of scared incase there is rejection and that will kill me. But I'm happy to know im not going insane. And I suspect there will be a crash after bit i feel like I almost need to put a stamp back on my man and show him what he has been missing if that makes sense even though sex was few and far between before. It's a very odd feeling and I don't know if i can follow through on it as we are only 3 days in since I found out. So I'm still confused and this feeling has really knocked me for six. But I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way x
ReplyDeleteI have this too, but he refuses to have sex with me because he doesn't feel a "connection" with me so even more devastating rejection. i know I'd regret it afterward because of the pain he's caused, but I just want to feel connected to him again and I just feel so lost.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry he's hurting you further. Is he in any sort of therapy to deal with why he cheated? Is he doing any sort of soul-searching? A lot of men are in what's called "limerence", which is a sort of fantasy stage re. the affair and, bizarrely enough, they feel as if sex with their spouse is "cheating" on the affair partner, even if there's no contact. Does he have NO contact with the affair partner?
DeleteHe is. The affair finally ended when she called me and asked to meet face to face. It's only been a week, but I've known about her since May and he's lied about contact until now (supposedly). Unfortunately, he works with her and has the option of seeing her whenever he wants. He stopped having sex with her too about 6 months before it ended. He has been in therapy all along, but I'm not sure how much the therapist is helping. We're also in couples together.
DeleteThe affair stopped about a week ago when she called me and asked to meet face to face. He still has access to her in that he works on the same floor as her, but they don't work with each other directly. He also stopped having sex with her 6 months before it ended because he felt "guilty." He is in therapy and has been all along, but I'm not sure how much it's helping. We're also in couples together.
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm really glad I found this, I thought something was wrong with me. My husband of 9 years has/had been cheating on me with women of the sex industry for at least 4 years. Starting not long after I'd had our first son. He says it was just about the sex and that it wasn't because I'm disgusting or ugly but because our sex life had become one of almost non existent. The thing for me that hurts the most is that if he would have talked to me I would have been more proactive. But he never really made it that know. It's only been a week but I find myself going from wanting him like crazy to wanting to cry and kick him out but for the sake of our young boys I don't. I'm just really glad I'm not alone with feeling like this.
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