It's called "hysterical bonding" though there's nothing particularly funny about it. It refers to the surprisingly common phenomenon following discovery of a spouse's adultery to suddenly crave sex with that person morning, noon and night. I confess (TMI coming...this is your warning), I gave my husband a blow-job within a half-hour of learning he'd cheated on me.
WTF?? At the time, it seemed I was like a dog staking out my territory. We then proceeded to put Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's honeymoon shenanigans to shame with the sheer quantity and variety of our love-making.
Then, as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, leaving a shaking, incoherent, grief-stricken me...wondering what the hell that was all about. And, by the way, ewwwww...
According to the experts, many couples dealing with infidelity engage in hysterical bonding, in part as a path toward intimacy and reconciliation. While there's still a LOT of work to be done, it does get the ball rolling – so to speak. :)
It can leave the betrayed spouse feeling bewildered and perhaps betrayed by her own body. "How can I want him?" we ask ourselves.
Part of it, of course, is about taking back what we feel is ours. It's a primal thing, kinda like clubbing him on the head and dragging him back to our cave (the clubbing on the head part is very tempting. Refrain.). At the same time, it can also be our way of soothing ourselves. Betrayal is traumatizing by anyone's estimation. And with trauma comes a primal way of seeking comfort. It can seem very disconcerting to be seeking comfort in the arms of the very person who betrayed us. But, if reconciliation is even on your radar, it makes sense to turn to that person.
Whatever the reason, it's a reality for many couples. There seems no harm in it with one caveat:
Use protection, i.e. a condom. This guy might swear he always used them during his affair(s). Or that they only kissed. Whatever, as my 11-year-old might say. Your husband isn't exactly the Dalai Lama at this point in time so I wouldn't trust a whole lot of what he says. The only way to be sure he's "clean" is testing. In the meantime, protect yourself.
- Join the Club...and Share Your Story
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- Share Your Story: Multiple Affairs PART 2