Friday, May 14, 2010

Re-Empower Yourself with One Simple Question

Betrayal sucks the life right out of you. But I've noticed the difference between betrayed wives that quickly get back on their feet (not me, mind you. I took months...and anti-depressants!) and those that floundered often long after their marriage ended and even into new relationships, always comes down to one simple question.
And the question is this: What can I do about this?
So often we disempower ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong. Or what's inherently wrong with us. What we could have done differently. What the OW has that we don't. And on and on, until we're a quivering mess that feels scarcely entitled to use up someone else's oxygen.
And then there are the others. Those women who recognize from the get-go that cheating says a whole lot more about the other people involved than the blissfully unaware wife. The women who, though they might have moments of doubt and fear and anxiety, quickly realize that the only way to survive a spouse's affair is to assert their power. How?
By asking that one simple question: What can I do about this?
And let me tell you, if you think there's nothing you can do...you're absolutely wrong. There's always something you can do that honors and empowers you.
Even if you're financially unable to leave. Even if you have a newborn baby attached to your breast and four others underfoot. You can still ask the question. And come up with an answer that gives you your power back.
What can you do about this?
You can leave. Or you can start a savings account to enable you to leave at a point in the future. Or you can go back to school to gain skills to allow you to enter the workforce. Or you can rediscover a hobby that helps you find your center. Or you can start walking to lose weight, gain health and feel better about yourself. You can meet with a lawyer. You can meet with a therapist. You can find a support group. You can start a support group.
What's so empowering is that none of these options rely on your husband or ex-husband to do anything. He can go on being a cheating ass or he can claim the title of Reformed Husband of the Year. Either way, you're going to be okay. Because you've asked the question.
What can I do about this?

4 comments:

  1. my husband and I were temporarily living in different states. Our daughter was around five months when he told me he moved in with another woman. He waited until he moved in with her to tell me! I eventually forgave him when he wanted me back. i thought that my lack of committment to moving to a new state with him caused him to cheat. So we worked it out and I followed after him. Later on I was away visiting my family for the holidays and he cheated on me again with the same woman. Not only did he cheat, he also got her pregnant, which is how i found out. Again i took him back. It has been a year since the first time he cheated on me and now i am pregnant with our second child. i'm scared to have this child because i think i may have fallen out of love with my husband. i don't trust him at all anymore. and i don't even understand why i am with him now. i think having this baby will make me feel obligated to stay with him. what do i do?

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  2. Of course you don't trust him at all! He's lied to you, deceived you and treated you like a drive-thru wife – convenient and dependable.
    It makes perfect sense that you don't trust him and wonder if you love him. That's your common sense at work. Listen to it. And try to listen even further to that wise voice within that will help you stand on your own feet and demand to be treated with respect. Regardless of whether you stay with him (which I would NOT recommend unless he gets serious help!) or leave, I think you need to figure out what you need. Then demand it.
    You may want to also consider what role you might have played in this. NOT that it excuses his infidelity, but perhaps you're not as committed as you thought – frankly he seems like a hard guy to love and maybe your gut has been telling you for years that you should cut and run. By coming to terms with our own true feelings about things, we can avoid making the same mistakes...either with the same man or another.
    I don't claim to know how anyone else should live her life. But if you're truly unhappy, and it sounds as if you've been living through a lot of pain, I think it's time to take back your life and create one that makes you – and your child(ren) – proud.

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  3. I have been making my new choices since finding out as well.
    I call them my plans. Working it out, counselling and everything like that aside. My plans are to get though this, get better, get my children to school age- whilst preparing myself for a job. Get a job and become financially independent.At that point I plan to
    reassess my husbands worth.

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  4. Hey Marti,

    Sounds like a good plan. And sometimes having a plan is all we need to feel somewhat back in control of our lives.

    Elle

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