Saturday, May 29, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why Infidelity Sucks

Of course, there's the obvious reason. But overlooking that briefly, here are my Top Ten Reasons Why Infidelity Sucks (please feel free to weigh in with your own!):

1. Thanks to the Infidelity Diet, I became as skinny as I was in high school. Which would have been great, except that I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. Which I had. Figuratively speaking.
2. I can no longer watch ANY movie or TV show that has infidelity as even a minor part of the storyline without hating it. I've walked out of theatres because my reaction to it is so visceral.
3. I can no longer meet anyone named Sara without immediately casting her as a vile dirtbag. (Sorry, ladies named Sara.)
4. I can no longer wear certain clothes (even faves) from the "betrayal era" without being transported back, even briefly.
5. I can no longer wear my wedding ring, look at wedding pictures or feel proud of my anniversary.
6. I find it hard to hide my incredulity when my husband gets freaky about the kids not washing their hands before eating. "You had unprotected sex with the most visited vagina in the city," I want to scream. Except that my kids are there and then I'd have to explain what Mommy meant.
7. There is a certain model and color of car that will forever be branded in my brain, turning an otherwise lovely day into a lovely day with a stab of pain. And, of course, it's an enormously popular make and color.
8. I can no longer join in the conversation when people talk disparagingly of cheaters and their dumb/pathetic/self-righteous/insert-adjective-here wives. Because I'm married to a cheater. And I'm the insert-adjective-here wife.
9. Every frigging song on the radio is about falling in love. Or being cheated on. Except – thank-you radio gods – Lady GaGa.
10. And finally, because I will never be free to completely trust anyone ever again. Except myself. So maybe that makes it a good thing.

Your thoughts??


  1. Here's another: After you discover your (ex-)spouse's infidelity, it throws the whole rest of your marriage into doubt, in two senses: 1) You wonder what was REALLY going on during those years when you thought everything was fine & good, and 2) You can hardly or not at all remember any good times, even if intellectually you know there were many, over many years...

    And then here's another: That you wonder if you'll EVER get over being angry for the rest of your life, and whether you even SHOULD get over being angry.

  2. Yes, true on both accounts in my case. Which time were fact...and which fiction?

    But yes, you should get over being angry -- for yourself. Hardening yourself against pain just ends up punishing you. And I do believe you get over the anger -- with work and patience. And life is a whole lot sweeter when you do. It's also a lot clearer. Anger clouds our ability to truly see. We think it's protecting us, but it's an illusion. Boundaries protect us. And when they're in place, anger tends to dissipate because we're taking care of ourselves. Anger, as my wise therapist often reminds me, is a secondary emotion -- fuelled by hurt or fear or both. Address the hurt/fear and the anger will dissolve.

  3. "Anger, as my wise therapist often reminds me, is a secondary emotion -- fuelled by hurt or fear or both. Address the hurt/fear and the anger will dissolve."
    My therapist has told me that too, but my anger hasn't "dissolved." I'm certainly no longer swamped by it, but when I think about my ex for more than 30 seconds, I'm angry--mainly, I think, because he has sailed off happily into the sunset, with a new wife who feeds his narcissism, and he seems not to have suffered one iota for one second. I, on the other hand, I will have a VERY hard time ever trusting any man again, so I'll probably be alone (in that sense) for the rest of my life. And that imbalance looks HUGELY unjust to me. And THAT makes me angry, and continues to, whenever I think about it. If nothing else, the fact that my grown kids still have an intermittent relationship with him makes me think about him from time to time.
    But yes, I'm finally starting to realize that I actually enjoy being able to do the things I want, when I want, without having to compromise or negotiate with a partner. And that is indeed a nice thing.
    But if you have more responses to this, I'd be glad to read them!

  4. Yes, I can imagine it's hard to think that he's blissfully happy in his new life and you're left with a pile of broken dreams. I had a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We were serious and considering marriage...until he got another woman pregnant (oops -- shoulda used a condom!). We broke up but stayed in touch and he married another woman (not the woman he got pregnant, though he still pays child support). I was sure that he'd gone off to have a pefectly wonderful life without me and I felt very angry and ripped off.
    A few years ago this ex contacted me to meet for a drink. I did and enjoyed catching up (I had been close with his whole family). I was getting ready to say good-bye when he made a pass at me.
    In that instant, I knew that he was exactly who he had always been. Someone who lied. Someone who cheated. Someone who screwed other people's lives.
    And, in that instant, I felt so much better off without him, though it had taken YEARS to even go a day without thinking about him.
    My guess is that your ex is as big an ass as he ever was. And unless he decides to take a good long look at himself, he always will be.
    You, on the other hand, have the chance to create positive change in your life. With a clean slate. With some baggage, sure. But who among us doesn't carry a mis-matched set of baggage?
    Hang in there. I don't mean to sound all Pollyanna on you...but you really are the lucky one. His new wife?? Not so much...

  5. The other day, I took a little longer than normal to run a couple of errands. I bought something cute for my grandson, so I decided to take a quick detour and drop it off. As I was driving home, I get a call from him asking me where I was, it doesn't take that long to go do that.....I said I dropped off something by my daughter's house that I bought. He says you didn't tell me you were going to do that and got pissy about it.........I got off the phone and said to myself, WTF! You lied and cheated for over a year and you're concerned about me being 20 minutes late from shopping? Yeah, the irony of them being concerned about germs or being a few minutes late when they themselves are guilty of it big time!

  6. oh yes, the irony is what gets me. having emails telling me, "make sure your career pride doesn't come before our marriage" meanwhile he's sleeping with someone else in our house.

  7. And I can't even listen to Lady Gaga since the way I found out about his EA was because he took his gf to the concert. Looks like I'm stuck with NPR.

  8. wow, just came across this post... it was written before my marriage went to hell in a handbasket...they are right on, the whole list...I could have written it! Love your blog, keep it up!

    1. Feel free to add to the list. I'm sure there are more than 10 reasons why infidelity sucks!!


  9. ok, I have one... everytime I hear the "ding" on his phone I think it's HER...

  10. i resently found out.trying to keep it between us,we have 2 kids.15yrs together.he drinks ,lime,watch women.never thought he had it in him to cheat.found out accidently over a phone conversation.known her 4yrs he been in contact with her a yr.we talk want it to work.he said no sex.i have no evidence.what do you do when its hurting,does it go away?trust and respect big deal in marriage.when does trust start coming in? ihave been calm,reasonable ,still being positive because its the way i am.i am angry,so emotional an i get really upset for the slightess thing. i need peace of mind .im so suspicious now.looking back now i should of pick up on the cheating.i was so trusting and stupid in love.need advice ,want to move forward ,dont want to go there a full an happy after infidelity?

  11. 11. He could be with me physically, but I never know where his mind and heart are. Is he secretly thinking fondly of her while he is sitting at the dinner table with us, his family.

    12. He's clearly demonstrated that he WILL do what feels good to him without any regard for me....all while appearing to be 'husband' to me. Gee, he appears to be 'husband' now. Is he being genuine or is this just more acting? I cannot tell the difference.

    13. My choice is either to carry the weight of his ugly secrets every day to preserve our 'marriage' image OR to share the secrets and risk judgment, unwanted comments, and disapproving thoughts and/or verbalizations of others. Both suck.

    14. His infidelity has changed e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I cannot respect a man who is not protective of his wife and children, but instead who risks their emotional well-being and makes conscious choices to actually harm them.

    15. There is NO safety...NO specialness....NO trust after infidelity. There is nothing special about me or our marriage. Cheating made that perfectly clear. Oh, he says otherwise. But, considering he is now an established liar, how do I believe anything he says...even when 'backed up' by actions? Actions can be fake just the way words can be lies.

    ok...I guess I'll stop there....

  12. Regarding the name thing the OW has the same name as one of my kids. :-S MYR

  13. I have one that's probably pretty unique to us but here goes:

    My husband likes to say he's always right. This predates even our marriage. Now every time he says it it pisses me off & we have a fight. And he says what do u mean? I AM always right. WTF? I finally said (I thought it was obvious) were u right to have an affair? Then he modified it & said not in my actions. Again WTF? So ur right in ur thoughts but do the wrong thing anyway? Maybe that's not something to brag about.


    1. Sam,
      He's not always right. Nobody is always right. And anyone who thinks they are is incredibly insecure (which, incidentally, is often why people have affairs). Tell him that every time he insists he's "always" right when his behaviour was so incredibly hurtful is simply adding insult to injury. If he continues to do it, then he's sending a pretty clear message that his ego matters more than your feelings.


  14. 16. Feeling afraid to go around in your own city because you might run into her and you can't guarantee you won't do something unsafe.

    17. Which goes along with, scoping out wherever you go to make sure she's not there.

    18. Wasting time and energy monitoring him.

    19. Banning yourself from certain stores, hotels, brands, restaurants, cities because they were there together.

    20. Being unable to accept your husband's gifts because they're the same kinds of gifts he bought her.

    21. Going into a panic if he doesn't answer texts, calls, emails right away or gets home late.

    22. Losing sleep lying in bed thinking about him, her, and why we weren't good enough.

    1. AJ,
      I remember well that horrible sense of foreboding any time I left my home. It does get easier with time. I no longer get a knot in my stomach when I see a certain make of car (in fact, I don't even notice it anymore). I've forgotten many of the details re. restaurants, streets, etc. I sometimes though rarely panic when I can't reach him. But his reassurance generally brings us even closer.
      Hang in there. As long as you're each doing the work to rebuild, this rest will get better with time.


  15. I don't know who the OW was (he met her on the internet and they only met in person the one time before he ended it), and I don't want to know. It's over, and since she wasn't someone who was a friend of ours, I think finding out her name would just be pain-shopping. Supposedly she was going to leave town (she was only here on a work visa that was set to expire soon). But honestly, there are times that every women I run into in our city, every female store clerk, every woman I walk past, I will wonder, "Is that her? Is she the one?" I have nightmares that we will bump into her while we are out on a family walk and she will humiliate me in public by saying something.

    I don't even know where she lived, all I know is it was an apartment (again, I don't really want to know, I think that's more information than I need). I get triggered every time I go past an apartment complex, wondering if that was the building where he met with her. :(

    I don't have those thoughts as much as I did in the beginning (we're at 10 months post D-day), but they're still there. I hate the thought that they most likely never go away completely.


    1. Gee,
      I promise you, they will go away. I've been exactly where you are. And now...I'm not. Don't give in to those thoughts. You'll spiral down. Distract yourself, snap an elastic on your wrist...anything so that you stop yourself from that wondering. As you've noticed, the thoughts are decreasing. That will continue until you don't have them at all. Hallelujah!

    2. Thank you. It helps to much to hear from someone who has been there that it does get better. Your blog has been my lifeline since I found it.


  16. It has been 2 years since the D-day I found out and I can't stop thinking about it. I hate everything that reminds me of the betrayal... her, the sorroundings and him... Our second daughter was just born when he began his affair. Based on my research it lasted a good 3 months before I found out and not sure how much longer after, social media and applications now days don't help with investigative work. lol
    I have been with my husband since High School, 17 years now... Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride but despite the ups and downs I have always loved him. He says he loves me but I know, I feel his love is not the same perhaps not there anymore. He becomes angry and violent if I ask any questions; I just don't mention it anymore despite all the unanswered questions. We went to counseling just one time and according to him the therapist "attacked" him so he does not want me to even mention it again, she wanted him to answer my questions, the why, the when, the how??? And he just simply sat there feeling attacked by the two of us and said there were no answers, no reasons... At the time, he said he wanted to work things out but I have found evidence he still goes through her Facebook page. He has changed in many ways, for the good but I just don't know what he really feels. He doesn't communicate with me nor has he agreed to give me passwords to his social media and e-mails. He doesn't go anywhere without me, we do everything together, I know exactly where he is every moment so I know he hasn’t seen her in close to 2 years. My problem is that I cannot stop thinking about what he did; I cannot stop being a private investigator and search everything... The OW is married and I always go on her social media just to see how happy she is with her stupid husband, who I told what was going on but did not believe me, he believed her and what she said, that I was crazy and I was just jealous of her. Other than the infidelity my husband has done other things that also make me think. I want to be happy with him and my girls but I just can't get passed the betrayal. I don't know what to do to stop thinking about it, he has gone so far to being physically abusive towards me in front of my girls but he was truly sorry and is showing it. I feel like I am throwing myself at him since day one, I feel more attracted to him than before, I have become obsessed with him to the point that I thought I was crazy until I read some articles in this page. I am constantly breathing behind his back, I want him to kiss me and hug me all the time but he doesn't, I want him to be affectionate 24/7 towards me but he is not, I want to have sex all the time and he's always tired, we end up having sex once a week. I feel that he is getting frustrated and fed up with me and I am scared, I don't want to lose him but I live with the constant fear that that he may be in contact with that woman, or do this to me again. I have become very self-conscious and insecure. I know I am beautiful, young, with health, and two beautiful daughters to live for but I just can't move passed this depression and anxiety that the betrayal has brought to my life.
    Oh and I am afraid of seeking help with a therapist because I had one and stopped going as soon as she told me to leave him when I told her of the infidelity... Why would a professional do that?
    Please tell me how I can move past this betrayal and leave the past behind me? Sometimes I feel lost and so depressed that I think I wont find a way out. I don't speak to anyone regarding my problems, I am embarrased to. I do not have any sisters, friends, noone I can trust.

    *** desperate RR ***

    1. Desperate RR,
      I'm so sorry -- I just found this post. Please let me know if you're still on this site.

  17. My situation as of 2 day ago!!! The OW called me and sold my husband down the river. Then called him and told him she was staying with her husband. Then I have to watch him be heartbroken over her while my heart is laying on the floor!

    Knowing they had sex on his birthday and then he came home for enchiladas and his favorite apple pie. Ruined birthdays, enchiladas, and apple pie!

    Knowing she was in your house and looking and maybe touching all your stuff!

    Last but certainly not least having to look at the freaking tattoos she gave him every freaking day. I guess free tattoos weren't the only service he was getting!!!!



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