I traveled with my kids over the holiday to visit family out of state. During that visit I had a elderly relative whom I was very close to and still love very much behave badly. She tried to manipulate me to accept the woman who abused me (we've been estranged for decades) back into my life right in front of my children. I calmly and politely told her 'enough'. She didn't respect my wishes. She made it all about her, crying, twisting history. I tried again to calmly & politely tell her to stop. She could not let it go, acting like a dog with a bone, or a toddler who is not going to quit asking for candy. So I did something I NEVER would have done before Dday. I put that elderly relative in her place. I never raised my voice and I was never disrespectful. I firmly told her I loved her, but now I was ending my visit with her because she didn't respect my boundaries. And I took the kids and we left. In the past I would have lost sleep for walking out on her. This time I felt proud of myself for not being a doormat. Boundaries are healthy.
Browneyedgirl Boundaries are healthy! I'm so proud of you! The first time I had to put a big boundary in place with my mother, I was left feeling like the child she abused finally finding a backbone to stand up for self! Sounds like you too stood strong! Way to go!
Beg Bravo . Good for you. Always stay this strong and good and honest. You didn't just give it to her. You also have been patient and respectful of her age. So you are strong and fair and polite at the same time. Bravo
browneyedgirl, I'm giving you a HUGE virtual high five! Boundaries are hard for me. I'm going to keep your experience in mind for the next time I think about biting my tongue instead of saying what's right for me.
I absolutely love this. Since D-day I have learned a lot about myself, what a healthy marriage is, and what it takes to make one work. I feel we will both come out better partners and our marriage will be stronger. This week I sent a text to OW thanking her for making our marriage stronger.. there was more to the text but I don't feel the need to explain or go into detail for once. I feel that I am ready to forgive and move forward.
In 1981 there were no home computers, no blogs, no parents, no siblings, no one for me to confide in. I was intimidated by the OW, I never even saw her, thinking she must be so superior to me. I kept quiet for my 3 children. Until I went to college as a much older adult, studying Psychology, did I finally begin to grow. By H & I not speaking about it (his choice!) I almost burst with frustration through the years. So, it took me longer to become leader of my pack than most. But once that knowledge sank in, I howled! I went from huddling on the floor of my bathroom for 1/2 a day on D Day in 1981 to flying to another state in 2016, knocking on her door, handing her a well written letter telling her I forgive her & points that bothered me that I wanted to set straight (because I thought she would kick me off her porch & slam the door in my face!). She wasn't home but I had a 1/2 hour chat with her husband, who knew nothing. She came home only to see me having a really good time with her husband as I was sitting at her kitchen table in her chair! (That was symbolic for me as I took her place as she once took mine!) I had complete control of the conversation, I looked like hell after getting out of the hospital the day before, half bald, no makeup on, but I had all the confidence in the world. I was a complete lady, in fact her husband didn't even know what was going on. My H came with me but I insisted he wait in the car. He said that, when I walked out of her house and down her driveway, I was beaming! My pack, my power, my rules!
I traveled with my kids over the holiday to visit family out of state. During that visit I had a elderly relative whom I was very close to and still love very much behave badly. She tried to manipulate me to accept the woman who abused me (we've been estranged for decades) back into my life right in front of my children. I calmly and politely told her 'enough'. She didn't respect my wishes. She made it all about her, crying, twisting history. I tried again to calmly & politely tell her to stop. She could not let it go, acting like a dog with a bone, or a toddler who is not going to quit asking for candy. So I did something I NEVER would have done before Dday. I put that elderly relative in her place. I never raised my voice and I was never disrespectful. I firmly told her I loved her, but now I was ending my visit with her because she didn't respect my boundaries. And I took the kids and we left. In the past I would have lost sleep for walking out on her. This time I felt proud of myself for not being a doormat. Boundaries are healthy.
ReplyDeleteBeg,
DeleteGood for you! That's the kind of stuff I love to hear! Something tangibly good coming out of all this pain.Thanks for sharing.
BEG
DeleteSo proud of your new found strength
Hugs
Gabby xo
Browneyedgirl
DeleteBoundaries are healthy! I'm so proud of you! The first time I had to put a big boundary in place with my mother, I was left feeling like the child she abused finally finding a backbone to stand up for self! Sounds like you too stood strong! Way to go!
BEG
DeleteGood for you. It's amazing how strong we become after experiencing what we all have in our lives. You are all an inspiration to me.
Cathy
Beg
DeleteBravo . Good for you. Always stay this strong and good and honest. You didn't just give it to her. You also have been patient and respectful of her age. So you are strong and fair and polite at the same time. Bravo
BEG, dang, you get the blue ribbon today. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeletebrowneyedgirl, I'm giving you a HUGE virtual high five! Boundaries are hard for me. I'm going to keep your experience in mind for the next time I think about biting my tongue instead of saying what's right for me.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! That has been a hard transition for me. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this. Since D-day I have learned a lot about myself, what a healthy marriage is, and what it takes to make one work. I feel we will both come out better partners and our marriage will be stronger. This week I sent a text to OW thanking her for making our marriage stronger.. there was more to the text but I don't feel the need to explain or go into detail for once. I feel that I am ready to forgive and move forward.
ReplyDeleteIn 1981 there were no home computers, no blogs, no parents, no siblings, no one for me to confide in. I was intimidated by the OW, I never even saw her, thinking she must be so superior to me. I kept quiet for my 3 children. Until I went to college as a much older adult, studying Psychology, did I finally begin to grow. By H & I not speaking about it (his choice!) I almost burst with frustration through the years. So, it took me longer to become leader of my pack than most. But once that knowledge sank in, I howled! I went from huddling on the floor of my bathroom for 1/2 a day on D Day in 1981 to flying to another state in 2016, knocking on her door, handing her a well written letter telling her I forgive her & points that bothered me that I wanted to set straight (because I thought she would kick me off her porch & slam the door in my face!). She wasn't home but I had a 1/2 hour chat with her husband, who knew nothing. She came home only to see me having a really good time with her husband as I was sitting at her kitchen table in her chair! (That was symbolic for me as I took her place as she once took mine!) I had complete control of the conversation, I looked like hell after getting out of the hospital the day before, half bald, no makeup on, but I had all the confidence in the world. I was a complete lady, in fact her husband didn't even know what was going on. My H came with me but I insisted he wait in the car. He said that, when I walked out of her house and down her driveway, I was beaming! My pack, my power, my rules!
ReplyDelete