Monday, July 31, 2017

To My Betrayed Soul-Warriors


I know how exhausted you are. I know how your mind races from panic to fury to confusion. I know how you wish you could just go back to bed only to find that, when it's time to go to bed, you dread the silence and the darkness and loneliness. How, you wonder, am I going to make it til morning? And then, in the morning, how am I going to make it til bedtime?
I know because that was my life too.  
In one horrible phone call, my suspicions were confirmed. And nothing was ever going to be the same.
I had three young children. I had work deadlines. I had volunteer commitments. I had a life. A life shattered by the discovery that my husband, the guy I thought would always have my back, had been cheating behind it. Had been endangering my physical health. Had been damaging my emotional and psychological health. Had threatened the stability of our entire family.
What the hell are we supposed to do with that information, right? 
I could have kicked him out, which is what every made-for-TV drama would have told me to do. I could have looked the other way, convinced myself of something along the lines of "men will be men". What I did was fall apart, at least some of the time. I managed to pull it together for my children and their friends and teachers. I managed to put on a mask for trips to the grocery store and the occasional get-together with friends. For months, I was publicly fine while privately a mess.
My husband was the same. Though he had a messy work situation to deal with, thanks to his idiotic choice to cheat with his assistant, for the most part the mess was dealt with privately. And he had clients and meetings and something of an escape from me for eight hours a day.
I had enough work to distract me briefly but not so much that I didn't have time to simply sob or stare blankly at a computer, wondering what the hell I was going to do. 
My mother, literally, saved me. Each day, we would talk and she would remind me, as often as I needed it, that I was strong enough, brave enough. I was enough. This was his failure, not mine. 
I believed her enough. 
And then, six months after D-Day #1 when I learned of the affair came D-Day #2 when I learned of all the others. And, three weeks after that, my mother, who guarded my heart, died suddenly.
I don't know how I made it through, only that I did. I held on to every word of wisdom and strength my mother had armed me with. I surrounded myself with the very few friends who knew what I was dealing with and who were fierce in their love for me.
I smiled for the camera and the interviewers and the crowds as I promoted my latest book. I tucked a bottle of anti-anxiety pills my doctor had prescribed for me into my bag, as I was increasingly panicked at the idea of showing up and pretending to be together and successful. I rarely took them. Having them was enough. 
And I followed so many of the rules I espouse here. I was gentle with myself. I took care of myself. I learned to set boundaries to keep myself safe. I gave myself all the time I needed to figure out my next right step. When I fell apart – and I did – I picked myself up and forgave myself. I didn't know these rules on D-Day #1. I figured them out as I navigated my pain. 
And you will too, my betrayed soul-warriors. If you believe in this truth: You are enough. Have always been. This is his failure, not yours. 
And each morning that you awake to face the same demons that challenged you the night before, know this: I see how brave you are. 

65 comments:

  1. Elle - just what I needed today. That reminder..."I am enough. Have always been. This is his failure, not mine." Thank you for this. I am sorry you lost your mom when you did, but grateful you had her so you can cling to her words. My mom knows nothing of my situation and I often wonder what she would say to me. I don't know that her advice would be as good, but sometimes I wonder. My situation is complicated by the fact that they still work together - long term EA that if I believe my husband was not physical - he has set boundaries, and we made it through a school year and now a good summer. My anxieties grew last year and the decreased through the summer - we had fun, we had good counseling sessions - but as we gear up for another year - I am anxious. BUT - I know my line. If he crosses it again - if he forgets what I said "never again" - he says he heard me and doesn't forget - I know my line and if I can focus on knowing I am enough, and knowing that if he crosses it again I know what I will do - I can let some anxiety go. Thank you again for the beautiful reminder....I am enough!! (Check out the song "Enough" by The Mrs. It should be our anthem!!!) Hugs all!

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  2. Thank you, Elle! Over two years down the road the exhaustion has lessened in regard to my husband's infidelity. There are other battles (we all have them) but I know I'll get through them. I try to embrace the small things every day. I'm working on re-establishing the faith I've always relied upon when things were hard.
    This blog gives me strength. You all inspire me. ❤️

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  3. Elle, you definitely have super powers. You seem to write about things that are so good to hear over and over again. Why is it so difficult to remember that "it is his failure, not mine" at crucial times? Choosing to stay is what I own. More recently when I started down that rabbit hole in response to a triggering event/sight/thought, I remind myself that divorce is still an option if I don't want to deal with the pain. It is not one that I am considering anymore but it remains an option. I think it is just that there are times when I question my sanity for staying with this man. I mean the kids are grown, we are financially stable and I could easily live without him yet there are so many things I do enjoy with him. He is showing me that he can be that guy, you know, that guy I would date again? I guess it is my own demons that give voice to my questioning why I would stay with someone who did the things he did. The pain still feels crushing when I let it but as you've so nicely written in the past, "it is not happening now". Doing my best to be here now. Regarding my other post about my husband's potential out of state trip with friends, I've decided to stop anticipating something that has yet to happen. Be here now. Just deal with today. Seems to help. Ommmmmmmm

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    1. Beach Girl - thinking of you. And like you said - sometimes I think I torture myself more than anything, although knowing they still work together is enough. But kind of what you said - my DH is showing me he can be the man that I would fall in love with again, and while I know divorce is an option - it is not what I feel is needed right now. But some days I just can't get out of the place of fear. Reminding myself it's not happening now. Enjoying the present. Focusing on what is in front of me. Being a good role model for my children - all of that helps. I hate when I find myself being a snoop or a spy when there is no reason to be - it makes me feel like a bad person, and not the kind of person I want to be. This was my husband's failure, his choice - not mine. I can't predict or control what will happen in the future, so why worry about it each and every moment of each and every day? I deserve some peace...resting in the fact that if need be, I know divorce is still an option. Thanks for sharing your story. Thinking of you!

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    2. Hi Beach Girl
      Separation / Divorce looks on the cards for me in the not to distant future. Sad to say. Sad for my kids who are still kids and not adults. Stuck financially, so that's another "betrayal" I have to deal with in separating / divorcing - Finances - that's the only thing keeping me with my h. My h travels for work. I'm so over it all.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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    3. BG...I echo those same struggles in my own head too...questioning my sanity, but still wanting life with him...feeling like I am disrespecting myself by staying, but not wanting to have another failed marriage...knowing I would be fine on my own, but not wanting to be...

      Your words "choosing to stay is what I own" is very eye opening and resonates with me. If I choose to stay then I need to be better at letting him back in...otherwise I should go. And funny thing, is that is exactly what he asks of me...work at it and accept his love. I have gotten too comfortable with numbness and complacency.

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    4. "Choosing to Stay" those famous words that have so little but yet so much power. Choosing=choice, which means we have more power and strength than we even know. We are not dead, we are not dying, we get to choose... I choose to stay today,I may choose to leave tomorrow.

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    5. FLAG, we grapple with the same demon. You said exactly what I am struggling with now. All I can think is, that's it's not time yet. If we're not to the place where we can let them back in, it's because it's too soon on our timeline to go there. And it cannot be forced. They caused this wreckage, so they can either put in the effort toward healing which includes a lot of patience, and a lot of "what does my LS need right now" instead of "what do I need right now", especially since the reason we're in this mess is because the second question was the only one they thought of before. Hugs, totally there with you in the trench.

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  4. Your words are so comforting. Again so helpful to read your words and say me too. Your posts come at the right time. I too as Beach Girl talks about am working really hard to focus on today. It is hard when there is a rough day, times of stress even unrelated to us. I feel more fragile, we feel more fragile at those times. I just keep focusing on me and moving forward.

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  5. At the risk of being asked to leave for being one of "them", no, I'm not a cheating husband. I've the betrayed. I've been going to couples therapy for 18 months with my wife after she had a fifteen year affair. I'm at a loss and there is no support group in my town/city; the therapy helps sometimes, other times, it may make things worse. Is there a website or source that someone here can direct a 'betrayed' husband to? I am no different than any of you, save my gender. Every word that I read on this website resonates in ways I could never have imagined. If anyone could help, please do -- after 15 years of an affair, a year of partial admission and now 6 months of now knowing presumably, the entire truth -- I remain desperate.

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    1. You are absolutely one of us, the betrayed. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I'm afraid betrayed husbands get even less support in our culture than betrayed wives. Please know that you are welcome here. Our feelings after betrayal - the shock, the panic, the fury, the fear that our world isn't safe, that we can't even trust our own judgement -- hit us all, regardless of gender. So don't hesitate to share. The realization that you are not alone in your pain can help a lot. And the compassion of the (mostly but not all) women on this site is incredible.

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    2. I'm sorry for your pain but happy you found this group.

      You are welcome here.

      Please have your wife read:
      affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

      It may help her understand and take ownership of the wreckage she created.

      I sent the link to my husband two days after d-day three years ago. It is still bookmarked on his phone and he still reads it.

      I'm really sorry this happened to you.

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    3. So sorry you are here. I support you being here as Elle stated. This is hard for all of us in so many ways so we understand. For me being on here and hearing or saying "me too" has been so powerful and supportive. I hear you it is a challenge. My husband had two affairs over 10 years overlapping. Things have gotten much better over two years after dday. There are still hard weeks, days and moments. This is like nothing else I have ever experienced. Therapy has helped me but this site has really been the best. It is great some days to just come on and read. People share their honest opinions but I have always felt supported over these two years. Hang in there and feel free to share more.

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    4. Dear desperate husband, I am SO sorry, Like Elle says I also fear there is even less help for you than us, although there are very very few support groups anywhere. I went to a 12-step group for spouses of sex addicts and there was always just a handful of us. I hit the jackpot to find our couples therapist ran a support group for betrayed spouses.
      There are SO Few. So few. What are your wife's actions through all this? I try to imagine hurting my husband the way your wife has hurt you and I can't even fathom it. I can't. I'm so sorry. I read something on Quora today, a man who's wife had cheated, and I've also seen things on redit, but I have not seen a 'mens' support group. I am sure you are welcome here. one thing you will find, we are not men haters. We mostly hate the action and not the person, although trust me many of us have our moments.

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    5. Please know you are very welcome here, a broken heart is a broken heart and there is so much comfort and support within this group. Elle beautifully inspires us all and we shine lights for each other along the path.

      I am so sorry for all the pain I know you are going through. At 6 months I still had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I think all of the standard self care advice applies. Make sure the basics of eating and sleeping are mostly met, I had a terrible time sleeping and used some herbal aids to keep from being a zombie at work all the time. In addition to therapy, learning about mindfulness meditation and reading lots of books really helped me in the first year. Check out the book recommendation page on this site.

      You are not alone, love and support
      Becky

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    6. Oh, Anon 7/31, I second Elle. You are absolutely one of us. Gender or any other factor does not change the devastating pain of betrayal. No wonder you are at a loss, so much to think about and deal with and no one to talk to. You've come to the right place. I'm glad you've found us. Keep reading here, there's lots of amazing advice and insight and support. I'm glad to hear you are in couples therapy. Are you in individual counseling? do consider it. It is important for you to have someone who is just in your corner (and you've got that here btw). How are you taking care of you? I think in this crisis we often go into "fix it" mode (I know i did) and don't think about how we are taking care of ourselves. Are you eating, sleeping, being kind to yourself for surviving the day? Know that you didn't deserve this, that this is her failing, not yours. You don't deserve this pain and confusion. Many hugs.
      I'm also going to point you at survivinginfidelity.com . it is a forum based web site for people in places and roles in infidelity, so be careful where you read because some stuff like the just found out or the forums for wayward spouses trying to figure their stuff out is trigger city. But there's also a forum for men, whose wives admit to affairs. I recognize that it might be a comfort to you to have a group of men who get what you are going through. I've definitely read threads there but never posted. It was helpful when I was looking for any clue that my husband might get his head on straight. but in my experience it was a less warm, compassionate and supportive place than you've found here. Do come back. Do read. Do ask for help and love and support when you need it. And I know it is hard to imagine now, but you are going to be OK.

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    7. I'm sorry you are here. I too came here looking for someone who had gone through what my husband and I have. This is the best site on the internet. The people here will understand what you are dealing with and help you get through the rough spots. I may not have liked what I was told at times but it got me to a better spot in my mind in dealing with my husbands short lived affair. The desperation will eventually go away. I felt that desperation when I first found out. I had kicked my husband out of the house and sold all his tools that were in the garage so that I had money because I had lost my job due to this mess. I had to learn patience, forgiveness for a group of people who have no remorse for what they did to my family, compassion and putting my ego away to deal with this and it wasn't easy. It's still a struggle some days. I had talked to a peer counselor who I found on this site that helped me too plus a support group at work who have all had cheating husbands. It takes a long time to understand what are spouses are dealing with within themselves that causes them to do this to us and that it's not our fault.

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    8. Anon 7/31,
      As the others have said, you are welcome here. Being the betrayed husband doesn't make your pain any less than that of a betrayed wife. Six months feels like an eternity especially if you have no support. Please continue to come back. You'll find support here.

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    9. I'm seconding every one of these warriors! Pain from betrayal is excruciating and being alone with it makes for a more miserable time! We're all limping along our paths but we have each other to lean on and believe me, it helps so much just to know that you're not alone and that someone, a lot of someones, know just how bad it hurts! Sending hugs and just keep posting when you need support and we'll shine the light down your path!

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    10. Hi anon I feel quite honoured that you have chosen to be part of our wonderful site!! Since I've been married to this site some 4 years you have been the first man to have joined us so a big welcome, I understand these aren't the circumstances you would want to be in but you won't get any other chance to be around so many gorgeous women again : ) im abit of a joker anon it keeps me sane. Seriously though you are in great company and we totally get where you are coming from and if you need answers please ask .. I'm 4 years out from d day 1 and a year out of d day 2 .. yes it's horrendous yes I was brought to my knees prob close to death but I made it back much much stronger and wiser. You will get through one minute, day at a time there is no right or wrong way to deal with betrayal just your way.. look after yourself take breathers whenever you need it's a long road to recovery and your on your way my friend.. I hope I've not scared you of .. we've got your back xx

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    11. Also one article that my husband actually showed me within weeks of dday was Master of Love in the Atlantic by Dr. Gottman. It was a good read and not too much. it really hit home with my husband. He never felt he could handle an entire book but this article connected with him and I was glad he showed it to me. Might be helpful.

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    12. Anon 31/07
      You are "one of us". Betrayal happens to any gender any where in the world. I'm glad to hear you are both in MC. That's a good step, and I hope you are happy with your MC. Most of us here have been blind sided for a long time. Just be proud of the fact that you are here dealing with someone who has had to lie, sneak and be deceptive for 15 years whilst you have been true to yourself and your marriage. That is something to be proud of, having integrity and strength to go on and deal with this. Keep strong and look after yourself.
      Gabby

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    13. Hello again. I'm the same 'anonymous' who asked if it was okay me being since I'm a male. First & foremost, thank you to all for your words and your encouragement. Since my personal D-day, I've seen too many websites with everyone's "story"; despite everyone likely believing our personal horrors-come-true are probably the worst, there is some comfort in knowing the rhetorical 'you' are not alone. Yeah, I think I have the "drop the mic" tale too 28 (now 29) year marriage where my wife spent 15 years with a 'friend' who took advantage of coming to our home, my taking him to art/sports events and my wife all that same time; add to that more than 1 year of trickle truth accompanied by the same year of marital counseling (the same counselor we saw in year 3 of her 15 years, amazing, huh?) and that's my life.

      So for argument's sake, I'm 19 months out from realization and 7 months about from the last time she told me the truth. And my truth: for the most part, I think there might be nothing more for her to divulge save the details she is too shamed to admit/confess. And -- most of all, she is truly trying to fix it -- then again, I would have said exactly the same thing each of the 5+ times before she trickle-lengthened the affair's duration from 2 years to 3 to 6, then 7 -- then 11 -- and now (or at least six months ago) to 15 years. More than half our marriage. I really don't have a simple answer than to forgiving her, other than that I love her.

      "Random Thoughts" suggested looking 'Affair.com's' "understanding your loyal response". It struck this discomforting chord with me -- and I shared it with my wife. She said it was the best thing (of the likely 000's) I ever sent her and that she read. It's like reading an auto-biography which explains that everything I (all of us in the 'betrayed' or 'betrayer' communities) am feeling is normal. Sadly, while ever so true, it's difficult to read about the wreckage and trauma to all -- the betrayer, the betrayed, the entity of the marriage and luckily enough for me, not our children or families. The collateral damage, though so long over so lengthy time, has been contained to me -- and her.
      (part 1 of 2 response)

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    14. (part 2 of 2)
      Is that the optimal solution in a nobody-wins scenario? I imagine, there really is no winning in this game -- I'm reminded of "Joshua" in 'War Games' who 'speaks', that "the only solution is not to play".

      I'm now a little smarter for reading "Your loyal", as is my wife. I remain introspective enough to know that my anger and thirst for some revenge is unquenched (where hopefully it stays). I don't subscribe to "living well is the best revenge" or certainly not the notion of karma -- heck, if that was the case, just my thoughts would've had the OM buried after a deluge of pain; While my wife has 'sorrow' and would love for anything to dismiss my pain, I'm too pragmatic that she doesn't/hasn't mourned the loss of her 15 year lover (yes, she was in love with him) or the mere possibility, that as I am reminded constantly of what was and wasn't real these past years, that she too has fond memories of the longest love her life has ever held.

      And so, if I believe the pundits, the therapists, the experts like you and I who add 'our story', I'm either a hero of untold courage, or an enabler who was ever too stupid to know what a fool I was taken for. Unfortunately for me, the latter is too often the victor -- come to think of it, outside of being strong enough to keep all of this from my adult 'kids' is the only sign of strength I can think of.

      I posted on 7/31 -- and didn't come back for 7 days. Yes, I was hoping that there was a group for 'men' which someone could cite -- more specifically, I wish there was one in the city I live. There isn't. I do (and have) thought about starting one -- I'm convinced that something 'good' needs to come of this much pain; it's not much different than me telling my wife (without sarcasm), "I really do hope that the affair was really that good for all those 15 years, that you enjoyed it that much to offset the" aggregated pain to all at this point.

      In (MC) therapy last week, I used the word 'resignation' -- I defy using Kubler-Ross' (DABDA) 'acceptance' phase -- it's fool's gold. And I was foolish (deceived of the truth) long enough.

      Thank you all for your insight in this thread and others.
      Sadly,
      "Anonymous"

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    15. Anonymous
      I'm so so sorry for the pain that you are still dealing with! I wish I had magical words but all I can tell you is that it's a hard path to a healthy relationship! My h and I have had to go through hell and somehow still clinging to each other is what keeps us together. We had to go back to the beginning of our relationship and work our way through the good memories and then we had to face the hard work of the affair years and slowly get to the point of making a new relationship out of our old memories that were good years and we had to face the hard truth of what led him to make his choices. That took the better part of two years and now we've got to the point that we are making new fun memories with our adult children and now grandchildren! It's been rough at times but once we committed to rebuilding our relationship together, as time goes on it gets better. Our relationship isn't perfect by any means but we're completely committed to accept the good the bad and the ugly of these past six years. I'm hoping that you're working together and that she's as committed to your relationship as you appear to be! Keep looking up and for the positive when you can find it! One day at a time!

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    16. Anonymous 7/31,
      You are a very good writer. I have been unable to read/write on BWC for the past 10 days and am just catching up and read your posts. I want you to know the first thoughts after "I am so sorry for what he has been through" was this: "this man should consider starting a blog for betrayed husbands". That may be the 'good' that comes out of your betrayal. Of course we welcome you here on BWC. Being a betrayed spouse is the same no matter your gender. I can not imagine getting through this without some support and I imagine there are thousands of other men who are looking for a safe place that is geared for betrayed husbands.

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  6. New to all this..... not a club I wanted to be part of. But who does? I'm hoping I can find a story similar to mine because it's so off the wall it doesn't make sense. I just don't know. Faith and hope and my kids is what keeps me going right now.

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  7. Elle
    I'm enough! I was always enough! He knew it but it wasn't enough to keep him from cheating! Yep! I finally get it! He was the broken one! That's what I've learned from being among the wounded warriors who post their stories!

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  8. Elle,
    I spent the day with my mom yesterday for her b-day so when I got to the point in your post..."And, three weeks after that, my mother, who guarded my heart, died suddenly." I lost it Elle. So very sorry you lost her in the middle of it all. I remember you speaking to the fact that you lost her, but I had no clue when.

    My mother knows nothing, but I'm sure she would have good advice for me and hold my hand and spirits through. In difficult situations it's so helpful for someone to tend to your heart, knowing it's fragile and broken. I'm glad that you told her and she gave you the advice you needed to keep going on.

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    1. I'm glad I told her too because she was my rock. But I confess there's a bit of guilt in there too. I worry that I burdened her. The impact of betrayal ripples far from the source.

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  9. I am so thankful for this post today! I hate why this blog needed to be created, but I'm so so grateful for it.

    I am 7 months post D-Day #1 which I was told was "just sexting" 1 person, and 4 months post D-Day #2 via suicide letter - an attempt that landed him in the hospital for 2 weeks. He confessed a horrific life of infidelity that started while he was engaged to his ex-wife, long before our 7 year relationship began. On D-Day #2 I discovered I am the spouse of a sex addict.

    I always had a feeling that something was amiss and now I can admit I had very strong suspicions that he was cheating, but I trusted him and ignored my gut despite seeing things that were clearly proof of infidelity. When I finally had the nerve to confront him he denied it...but those things that I continued to see made me shake and want to throw up so finally read his emails (D-Day #1). With the amount of suspicion I had, I cannot tell you what took me so long to read the emails.

    He left me twice in the last 7 years for what I thought was due to depression and anxiety (both of which he has), but in his letter he confessed it was because he thought he was in love with 2 of the women. The moment he left me he realized that he was not in love with them and begged for me back. He now understands that he was in love with the pursuit and the conquest - not them. The last time he left/begged for me back, he continued one of the physical affairs (and sexting with others) with one of the women he thought he was in love with for another 8 months until he was caught on D-Day #1 (the email I caught him with wasn't from her).

    I will never understand why or all of what he did but if I'm going to be with him, I do need to accept that he did it; these things actually happened. He admitted that he would have had sex with anyone - none of these women were attractive; they were more damaged than him, and willing.

    He is committed to being a better man, he started a completely new career, is seeing a CSAT and going to 12 step meetings every week. He has taken 100% responsibility for his actions. It's hard to say sometimes but I love him so much. The things he was doing is truly a shock; he was (and still is) a good person who always (outwardly) did the right things.

    I have good days but still have trouble sleeping and halting those damaging thoughts and images. The 2 year relationship bothers me the most even though the other relationships that were physical for a short time (sometimes sex happened once) continued via sexting for many years.

    I was having a few good days until I heard a song on the radio about intimacy. Even though he had troubles being truly intimate (sex addiction is an intimacy disorder), all I thought while listening to the words of the song was "they" had intimacy with him. I am not daft to think that they were all of a sudden naked - there was a pursuit of flirting, talking and relationship building before the sex happened. I don't think I have the whole truth or story, but I know enough and can fill in the blanks. I have learned that it takes a couple of days and talking to him about it for me to recover from these triggers, but the trauma that I'm feeling must be acknowledged.

    Has anyone of you have written letters to these other women? I have written one to the ones that he thought he was in love with (2 year relationship). I REALLY want to mail it, I think it will give me satisfaction to have her know that she was not special but just a "thing" that he used to try and feel better about himself. None of these women know I know.

    This blog has helped me understand that what I am feeling is normal and must be felt to process this pain and trauma. I will eventually understand the reason this happened and turn it into something good. We, and if not we then I will be stronger. I wish healing and understanding to us all.

    Please let me know your thoughts on mailing the letter.

    xoxoxo

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    1. I think the writing of a letter can be cathartic and healing. But I'm an advocate of No Contact. You might strike a nerve. Or you might invite a lunatic back into your life, someone with an axe to grind and a desire to hurt you even more. So my advice is, don't send it. YOU know these women were "porn with skin on". I wouldn't be at all surprised if his anxiety/depression plays a big role in his sex addiction. But that's for him to figure out. Your task is to focus on you.

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    2. Hi Anon, about writing the letter. Do write it. I wrote several early on. Don't send it. Don't hand her that much power or ammunition she can use against you. Instead, ignore her like the nothing she is. She doesn't deserve your valuable time or energy.
      And let me tell you, these women already on some level believe they are not special, or they wouldn't do the morally bankrupt things they do.
      I know it is so hurtful and you only want to hurt them back. It won't take your hurt away. It rarely makes the situation better. And more often escalates or, if they are gone, gives them an opening to worm back in. Don't send them a toe hold.
      And I've written different letters over time and not sent them. It is the writing that matters. Get it out of your head. And then leave it. I used to go back and read the letters. It was amazing to see how far I've come. And now I don't even need to reread my own letters. Even with the shadow of the OW looming in my ex's life again (he's so pathetic and weak it boggles my mind) the only urge I have to write to her is with the advice to run, as fast and far as she can, from this broken man.
      I understand the urge to smash them in the face with the letter, to club them over the head with it in the hopes of offloading or making them understand the pain they caused. But if they had empathy, if they were on board with the basic, "we don't sleep with other people's spouses" code, we wouldn't be here.
      Maybe there's another way to let go of the hurt these women caused? Do you walk or run? Run it out. I still do that a to and almost always come back feeling better, clearer. This week, on vacation at the lake, I paddle out to the deep middle and visualize all my "junk" is a bundle that I am dumping over the side. (It's worked well, so if any of you want me to dump some stuff in the lake for you, I'm heading out in a bit, send it my way xoxo). Print the letter and burn it in a viking funeral. Read it out loud to your therapist with her role playing as the OW. Post it here so we can all give you hugs about it. Sometimes just being heard at all, helps to let it go.
      The other thing I'll tell you is that you will, at some point, find yourself not caring about her/them any more. For real. You wake up one day and you are through it. As evidence, think about some small irritation in your day, someone cuts you off in traffic. They suck, jerk. You fume about it for a while. Maybe even tell a friend when you get home. What a jerk! They cut me off. Then you grumblingly get on with your day. And then later or the next day, you are through it. Maybe you don't even notice because its so not important. Or you get out to your car and think, Oh yeah, that guy! funny how pissed I was. and get on with life. The big things are rather marvelously like the small things. One day you are just... through. I know its hard now. Don't engage with those wastes. Much love, hang in.

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    3. Anon,
      I have to agree with Elle and SS. Write away but don't send it. I've written pages filled with profanity and the most hateful, hurtful things I could think to say to her. I've gone back and forth between HATING the OW and wanting to see her world crumble to just accepting that she's pathetic. As much as I've wanted her to hurt, I don't want to give her an invitation back into my life. So I've never had contact with her since the day after our final D-Day. Here's the thing.,. she's either a really hurt, damaged person or just really awful. Either way, unless she's recognized that and is attempting to change, nothing I say to her is going to hurt her in the ways she hurt me. The lack of contact or continued attention has probably hurt more than anything I can say.

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    4. Of course you're both right as confirmed by my therapist, she also suggested I burn not only the letter but all of the other letters and the book I wrote outlining our "old" relationship and anything else that holds me back from being my sunshiny self.

      I will post my letter in a separate reply as it's a bit too long :)

      Much love back to you, thank you so much for your support xoxo

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    5. Ladies thank you for letting me post my letter to one of the other women before the bonfire:

      He confessed to everything to me after he stopped communication with you. The weekend getaways, leaving work early, the meetings, the evenings together, the “I miss and love you’s”, the duration, and all of the other associated details. I know everything.

      You were not special nor were there any feelings of love or even like for you – you were just a “thing” like the others that had a lower self-esteem than him. He used anyone that was willing to participate in an attempt to raise his self-esteem which only resulted in the opposite. Back in reality he is so angry and disgusted with himself and literally cringes at the thought of what he did with you and the others, and the things he said to you and the others– you are a downgrade in every sense of the word.

      Perhaps some of the above statements have confused you; there were others before you and also at the same time as you. You were no different than the others in that you were damaged, unattractive, overweight and willing. “You” literally was “anyone” who he believed to be more messed up than him.

      There was a time that what appeared to you as an opportunity to have a real relationship with him was simply his need to be free of shame, guilt and disgust. The moment he envisioned his future and life without me and without our special bond and connection he went into a spiral of panic and anxiety and very quickly begged me for forgiveness. The situation had nothing to do with wanting to be with you and in fact had nothing to do with you at all. If he wanted to share a life with you or any of the others he would be doing just that - but he didn’t and doesn’t. Everything he said and did with you he did with the others– copied and pasted like a ritual. Understand that the facade of what was happening only went on as long as it did (and you were not the longest) because he feared disclosure and told himself that as long as he forced the status quo, you would all keep quiet.

      Eventually the disgust he felt at even the thought of you overruled the fear. I imagine you hope he was/is in some sort of profound pain due to the absence of you in his life and he may come back again or want to see you “one last time to say good-bye” - he literally felt ill at the thought of seeing you every Wednesday. He has shown me that you have contacted him since he ended it; he truly never wants to hear from you again so much so that he changed all of his work and personal contact information on his own volition.

      You’re not worthy of an explanation but his actions had nothing to do with sex or any sort of feelings for you and definitely not attraction to you, nor did they have anything to do with a lack of anything in me or our relationship. I’m sure you believed it was all real, but I’m also sure that in addition to the huge red flag there were many other glaring ones that you ignored. I’m confident you were very lonely and unfulfilled being one of the others anxiously waiting to be with him whenever he would manipulate time for you in his schedule. I never felt threatened by you or them because nothing could have ever possibly come close to what we share. His experience with you only solidified how special I am and how incredibly precious and rare our relationship is. Girls like you have zero chance when there are women like me in the picture.

      I am completely aware of whose loyalty belongs to whom, but it’s disturbing that there are women like you who believe it is acceptable to do whoever and whatever you want. It speaks not only of your morals but volumes about your sense of female empowerment, low self-esteem and desperation. It’s for these reasons I pity you.

      I don’t anticipate you have any remorse or regret; you have far too many issues for any of that. If you don’t already like what you see in the mirror (from a literal sense I can’t imagine you do, but that’s not what I‘m referring to) someday you won’t and you will have to live with your massive character flaws and karma.



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    6. I'm with Elle and the others. Writing the letter is the best way to get it out of your head but sending it could invite trouble for you! I'm guilty of being in the power struggle at the beginning of our nightmare and his cow went crazy and it took another year just to get her out of our daily life! She spent a night in jail but within a few months she was again reaching out to my h! It was crazy for sure! Hugs!

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    7. In our case I chose not to send, call or reach out to either ow. It was all my own decision but in the end I felt like these women already took enough from me and my family. I wanted to close the door on them. All energy was going to be used to take care of me, my marriage and my kids. I did write almost every day in a notebook and I go back to this still. It helped me a lot to understand issues that were still bothering me, get feelings out etc. My husband talked once a week and my journals helped me pull together what I wanted to talk about. Those talks were more productive and satisfying for me since with the help of my notes I got to the point and had less scattered or tangential thinking. And I was less emotional. In the end that helped me a lot.

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    8. Here is the letter I sent. After this letter, you will never hear from me. You had no right to insert yourself into our marriage and family. YOU knew he was married and that makes you just as irresponsible as he is. You knew this day would come. You weren’t even able to depart with dignity or grace. You called after and I left your home, then 6 and 9 months later. Did you really believe that YOUR thoughts would matter to either of us? See how important you were to him?
      You envied me more that I despised you. In the end, you knew he would stay with me. You have done countless undeniable repulsive things without an ounce of regret. You are the other woman. Maybe you were hoping he would leave me. He made promises to me. Promises he would only keep for one of us. He chose me and I chose him. You were thrown under the bus immediately dream girl and he was clear he never wanted to hear from you again. You could have been ANYBODY…it was never about YOU. You were available. Availability is the total sum of your captivating traits. My husband said you were pathetic when he saw you try to phone men who previously left you. Just a hint, he knew what you were about the second you said, “Look at all I do for you”. Not a smart move.
      My marriage is going to be fine, as a matter of fact, MY JR (he didn’t like the nickname) are stronger together. His true love for me is demonstrated with travels, new car, being cared for and his attention is endless. He says sex with me is passionate, wild. You said he stayed at your house less than an hour. You didn’t see m to measure up in any department. You know he used you. He wanted me, you get nothing. You were never his friend nor he yours in the fantasy world built on lies and deceit.
      My husband rejected you. What you told me he said about our marriage was in part true. It was his justification for fucking you, that is all you were a fuck. He complained about you too. You were not that smart, sex was routine and your clothes were not to his taste. Once out of the affair, he said you whined, over dramatized, kept a dirty house, you had a delusional self-image, used both family and friends. He said lied to you when he didn’t want to come over. You were the “on-call-sex”. The one reason why he didn’t leave you? He was afraid you would tell me. He said he did just enough and not more to keep you quiet. That is true based on his business bank account expenses in 2013. You are a pitiful failure.
      You have caused irrevocable pain to me, both families and friends who are surprised that you are not the moral teacher. Your reputation in town is a want-to-be home-wrecker who lives in her mother’s house. Even two years later our family and friends remember the family devastation and your name is brought up in disgust. I have no idea the number of people who my friends/family told about you.
      The bank sent me your endorsed checks $500 and $300 although you denied it. My children say the money you requested is not unlike robbing our family. Enclosed is a prepaid envelope for you to send the necklace, watch or any other gift he gave you as an act of contrition. Take some accountability for the pain you caused our family. We refer to you as a town whore and our family/friends couldn’t agree more.
      Why are you doing this to yourself and causing the destruction of families? It makes no sense to me. No written response from you is necessary or will assist for our family to heal. Our family has had enough of you. You don’t know how many times I stopped our children from contracting you. I wish you no ill will; God will take care of that; you will reap what you sowed someday, when you do think of me.

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    9. Anon - great letter.

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    10. Anonymous
      I love how detailed your letter to the ow is! I'm hoping that by writing this you can begin to let go of some of the old pain. I'm sure that's what helped me to get through it! Like others just putting it on paper allowed me to digest and throw it away! Took me a while and I probably wrote many letters and tore them up but it helped so much just to spit it out!

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    11. Anon Aug 1 @ 9:17a,
      Love your letter. Love it. This is what I wanted to say but could never articulate. Oh the line "Girls like you have zero chance when there are women like me in the picture." Cheering over here.

      I agree with the other advice -- do NOT send this letter. No contact is best. But I've printed it out so I can read it when I need it :)

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  10. It has been 2 years since the Dday. I am really tired. Tired of being so unhappy. Tired of thinking of it every single day. Tired of hating my husband, tired of hating the OW, tired of hating myself for not having realized it before.
    He has changed so much, but does it really matter now? He betrayed me with a coworker for some moths while we lived in Mexico. Now we live in Germany (my husband is German).
    I have been trying to be with him for so long. I have been doing therapy, taking medicine for PTSD, reading books... but I can't let him touches me anymore. I feel disgusted. Every time he does it I think about him touching her. I don't feel any pleasure anymore, I don't like it anymore. I don't think I love him as a man anymore. I hate him everyday. Everyday I think about how he could have had no respect at all and betrayed me with a very ugly woman who was pretending to be my friend. He didn't think about our kids and me at all and he threw our marriage of 12 years into the garbage for nothing.
    He was my best friend. I used to feel protect with him. I left my country, my good life, my career to be with him because I thought he was especial. Now I live far away from my family with 2 small kids, a have nobody else. I feel so alone. I hate him for the whole pain he brought to our kids and to me. I work part-time, but my salary is not that much and if I am getting divorced I am really afraid to have financials problems. Plus I already asked him to leave and he doesn't want.
    The thing is I am really unhappy with him and I know that I will be also unhappy without him. I am suffering a loss of somebody who didn't die and it is so estrange. My husband died for me!!! This man who lives with me is a complete estrange. I don't trust him at all and after everything he did to me I will never do it again no matter how much he has changed.
    I am feeling so dead inside! I am 36 and I don't see any perspective for me. I just would like to love again! To feel alive and free!

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    1. Rafaela,
      I'm so sorry for the pain and exhaustion you're feeling. You mention that your husband has changed. Is he an active participant in helping you heal? I know that my heart opened up to my husband more when I saw the things he was doing to better himself AND to help me heal. He is by no means perfect... none of us can be, but he works hard every day. When he catches himself doing something, he apologizes and works to correct his behavior. Recovering from this hasn't been as simple as just stopping the affair, it's the ongoing work to fix his issues. Because his issues are what got us here in the first place. The fact that he's changed helps me to see him for who he is and not the mistakes he's made.
      It sounds like you're feeling very isolated and I'm sure that doesn't help.
      There's nothing saying you have to stay with someone you don't feel you can trust. But I'm wondering if he's doing things to show you he wants to earn that trust back.
      Hugs!

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    2. Rafaela
      I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with it all. Do you have a good grasp of the language in your new country? Are you able to access MC/IC? Sometimes the heart ache in a marriage can be distracted by the joy your children bring to your life. I too really hate my husband and have had a roller coaster of emotions just like you. What has helped me through this is putting more energy into "me" time, if you can join a tennis club, yoga, book club, or even walking in the park - something just for you and your time. Also being busy with the kids having play dates and getting to know other mums is a great outlet. Have you got support with your family back in your home country?
      Keep strong.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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  11. I certainly didn't feel brace at the time. I was a sobbing blubbering mess. I had no children at home, no job to show up for nothing. I had plenty of time to be scared and angry. Bad combo.

    It's not until now when I can look back and say damn girl that was courageous of you, how'd you do that. I can't imagine how I'd have been had I had real people and responsibilities that depended on me.

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  12. Gabby I'm so sorry, I'm hoping you get some respite when your h travels away, at least some time to yourself and with the children. Is your h not deserving his 2nd chamce? Or is he like my h and has no idea how to at least show me he is grateful. gabby he will have to support you financially whether you decide to split or not he still has the responsibility for his children. Make a written plan of your finances should you decide to split maybe contact a free financial advice scheme and find out your rights. I've used such organisations as I'm in a lot of debt and they were great at sorting payments with debtors etc. I'd be financially worse of without my h income too and it's one of the reasons I am trying to make a go of this marriage and the fact that I know I'd prefer to grow old with him than on my own but that's not to say i wouldn't leave if I felt I had too.

    I hope you get to a better place very soon. Remember nothing stays the same for long good, bad or ugly. Sending you big hugs xx

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    1. Hi Sam A
      Thanks for replying. I really value your advice/comments etc.
      My husband is not deserving of a second chance. When he wanted to come back after our separation, my conditions were – MC, transparency, and more effort into ME. We have had a few “date nights” but he now refuses to go to MC or be transparent! He’s just so full of shit. So with him not willing to put any effort into our marriage – why should I? He won’t go to MC as he wants to move forward and not look back. (selfish arse hole). His lack of effort to go to MC or be transparent are just more signs to me he is perhaps still in contact with his whore or someone else? Of course he denies it. He is a pathological liar, and there’s things I have found out just recently that now make me question how faithful he was since our dating days. He wants to have female friends, even though he knows how this makes me feel, and doesn’t want to be questioned over every phone call, so hence not wanting to be transparent! I have been put 2nd too many times and I will not be disrespected by him anymore. So the only way I know how to deal with his shit, despite still living together, is to just shut him out of my life and not talk to him unless for the kids or house etc. He just doesn’t get marriage. I’M SO OVER HIM. BUT. Like you, we have huge debts and the only reason I am with him now is for the kids and finances. I have been to lawyers and there’s not much to work with financially. It’d be hard enough on the kids to go through a broken family, but to then have to move – I just won’t put them through all that. Finances are a big issue with me as he is not transparent with his pay and does things like not letting me go to the tax man with him. So this also tells me he has something to hide. (BTW – he can see all my pay, phone record etc. I am proud to be honest and not have anything to hide) – not sure how to approach this one. The lawyers said if we divorce he has to disclose everything. At one stage after a verbal/text fight we had, he did threaten me in regard to finances as he said “I will make life very hard for you”. I got married to be with that one person for the rest of my life and share everything with, but also because I like the stability of one relationship – marriage - for me, and to bring up children in. He’s completely shattered all that I (and he used to) believe in. So like you, I wanted to grow old with my husband too, but now, I know this will sound confusing – but as much as I don’t want him, I can’t see myself with anyone else (as much as I’d love to eventually have someone love me for me etc) I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been with my husband for so long (30 yrs), I don’t know what it would be like to be with someone else after all this time, and the thought makes me cringe. In regard to working on me, I am learning to become a more confident person, something he shattered parts of me. Even though I have always known he puts me down to make himself feel better, for some reason it still ate away at me. Now. His put downs can’t even take a nibble. I see him for exactly as he presents himself – sad thing is, my older kids can see a lot of his faults and call him out on them. Sad for their relationship, but good in a way so they can identify red flags and pathetic behaviour from others at their age. The other sad thing Sam is I was willing to give our marriage another go if he was honestly wanting to work on the damage he caused. He’s not willing, so he’s lost me - someone who truly loved and was devoted to him.
      Thanks for the hugs – Hugs back to you
      Gabby xo

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    2. Sam A
      I forgot to say. He has always traveled for work, and I never worried until I had that gut feeling, and then I found out about his affairs, which then I hated him having to travel. Now since our separation. The place I am with him - I no longer care, because I feel, with his lack of remorse, no interest in helping to fix our marriage and not being transparent, to me are all signs he will cheat again. It doesn't help with him having the nerve to tell me "in my job I meet a lot of gorgeous women". So whether he pays for it, calls back on his whore or a new one, for my peace of mind I have had to remove all feelings for him. He has always traveled, which meant I have had to do so much with the kids on my own anyway - so no difference there.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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  13. A month of "ignoring is good," has passed since D-Day. Only a few more days until my daughter's wedding. She and her fiance are here now getting things all lined up. This is useful busymaking, right? Somehow I still make the time to play detective. I think because I ignored all of the intuition I ever had, and now I want to prove to myself that I am not stupid, just naive. Today I found a real trove of actual "facts" about Mr. Husband's proclivities for prostitutes online. Saying it that way sounds more like a passive thing he had no control over, doesn't it? How long it has been, how many, how much, how often. He didn't want to answer those questions, felt that those answers would do more harm than good, and I didn't want to open any more of the proverbial cans of worms until after the wedding, when thoughts about thinking about what to do might actually be possible. Because I feel powerless to even decide to think about decisions. I now have more answers than I know what to do with, and yet more motivation to keep this all under wraps until after the wedding, when everybody goes home. And it makes me cry, which I have to make some other excuse for in front of the "kids," and try to hold back until late at night or in the shower where no one will hear. I still haven't reached angry yet. Is angry an inevitable phase that I am just blindly heading toward during this avoidance phase? Avoidance can't last forever, but he still works out of town the majority of the time, so sometimes I fool myself into thinking that avoidance can and will last forever. Until I find myself in front of the computer searching for answers I am not sure I really wanted. I think he would do anything I wanted to make this better, but I honestly have no idea what I want. I am sticking to the "make no decisions" and at least wait until after the wedding, but that day is coming fast. Still haven't told a soul besides you ladies here. A few times your responses got me out of bed, and I thank you!

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    1. probably dying, I can only imagine the good and bad that goes along with processing and dealing with all of this while your daughter's wedding is coming up. I cannot give advice there. All I can suggest is to give yourself time. No need to make any major decisions now. Try to focus on your daughter and take in and focus on that now. Honestly at least for me this entire process is a marathon not a sprint. I had hoped for answers and I wanted to be done with all of this but now at over two years I realize this will be something that is part of us forever. Not in a bad way anymore but I try to see it as good. In the early days I could not see this and I was not at that point yet.

      All I can say is it is a process. I went through the detective phase and was shocked what I found that my husband forgot about and never erased. And yes avoiding it helps at times. I felt like I had to avoid to survive and all I did was exercise, cook (didn't eat much of it but I made amazing meals) and spend as much time with my kids as I could. Over time I followed the ups and downs. I try to focus on the present and speak up when I feel things feel off or not right or if I disagree with something. You will find your way but give yourself time when you can focus on what you need. And when you have time to work with your husband if that is what you want to do. Hang in there! Thinking of you!

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    2. Probably Dying, many of us can relate. My husband disclosed to me a week before my daughter was due to deliver her first child. I was in shock, had to manage a million feelings, cry at unlikely times and keep my cool. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I gave myself a year to make any final decisions but told my spouse that one, just ONE, slip with porn or whores was a deal breaker. He was motivated to stop and change his life. Time will tell what your spouse plans. I make counseling appointments immediately for me and told him to find someone to talk to. It was awful and I did not find out the bulk of his secret life for months. We never had a full, professionally mediated disclosure so if you can find a therapist who understands sex addiction or someone trained in the Gottman method, please go for it.

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    3. Gosh PD, hang in there!

      Regarding anger, yes -- I do think it is inevitable. Within the first year after DDay our MC told me she didn't think I was angry enough. I thought she was nuts. I thought I felt angry enough for 10 women and I was exhausted by it. But I learned that what she meant is that I was rarely expressing my anger to my H, and when I did it scared us both so I stuffed it down. I wanted to be calm and reasonable and have deep, mature discussions. Ha. That wasn't really me.

      Really my soul was angry and had every right to be. I needed to hear that from a priest before I really trusted it. But once I did is when I truly began to get real. My H did too. Then the truth snowballed and our marriage started healing. Someone recently posted here about a Harriet Lerner book called "The Dance of Anger." I've ordered it and am hoping to learn and grow even more.

      I totally agree that you need to be in the "make no decisions" phase now. You have so much on your plate. I'm just letting you know that yes, the anger will soon come at you HARD, and yes, you WILL heal. Hugs!

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  14. Probably dying, your doing s tremendous job at holding everything together in these difficult circumstances. Yes you do need answers to your questions and you need to heal from his betrayal with his help. I understand your waiting until after the wedding, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to keep all of this to yourself. Is there anyone you can talk too, a good friend, relative or a therapis talking things through will help you when your ready to decide your next step. Probably dying I wish you and your daughter all the best on her special day. Please let us know how you get on.. sending you big hugs xxx

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  15. Dear probably dying,
    These ladies will not allow you to die.
    You and me are on the same schedule. I am also 1 month out.
    I don't have any advice for you except keep reading thier advices and keep asking them the questions you need answers to. They have been very generous to me.
    Congratulations on the wedding xoxo.
    Emma

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  16. I just had 4 days away for an annual ladies weekend - no husband; no kids; no dog - just sunshine and relaxation. It was glorious. The moment I drove home and pulled into my driveway I felt the most incredible weight and fog settle over me. It was the weight of his betrayal and the fog of my sadness. It has been TWO YEARS since I found out. I can't stand this feeling. I need it to stop. We are still together and I can't help but think I've made the wrong choice. I felt so free and relaxed when I was away. Coming home was an eye opener. I didn't expect the burden to wash over me instantly. He says he's learned his lesson and he'll never do it again. But, he was able to tell me those same words several times during the 3 years he was cheating. How do I trust him now? He had no problem looking me in the eye and reassuring me he would not be THAT guy all the while he was living the lie. I don't trust our future. ~Sunflower

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    1. Hi Sunflower
      Glad you had a great time away. You deserve it - and many more! I really get where you are coming from as my husband, he too lied repeatedly to my face! So, no. I can never trust him again, as he is not doing things that can rebuild that trust, which for me are MC and transparency for starters. Is your husband doing anything to prove to you he will not head down that cheating path again? Is he willing to do the work?
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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    2. Sunflower, I have chosen to stay for the past 9 mos and your feelings relate to me. I am honestly happier when H isn't around. He is doing most of the things a reformed CH should do. But I don't know if anything he could do would be enough to make me feel happy or lucky to be with him after what he did to betray me. I am fairly certain I would leave him if it weren't for the kids. We have so much marital dysfunction in both our families and basically no extended family, so if we divorce my kids are loosing a lot. H is constantly complimenting me & telling me how much he loves me. I have to dig deep to reciprocate.

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    3. BEG, Totally hits home your last two sentences. My husband goes on and on and tells me great things. Some days it is so hard to say I love you back or positive things. Then I am like why am I here. Ugh I go around and around in my head. I too wonder if I can get over all the years. He admits and takes full responsibility but I just don't know if it will ever be enough. Then I think am I settling because I cannot imagine trusting anyone ever again, friends family or otherwise. I was always the most optimistic person ever all the time. I always looked at everything as the glass was half full. Now I am so much more skeptical. He thinks that is bad and that I am letting this dictate my entire life outlook. I find bright spots but as I have told him I just cannot open up yet and be totally vulnerable with not just him. I find time with others is not enjoyable based on a variety of reasons. I find things that make me happy but all of them are things I do alone or only at the surface level. I feel fake with close friends and it never fails cheating and their judgments related to it always come up. My friends are a lot like me and would never do it themselves. This is a long road...

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  17. Probably Dying ... I'm first sorry you are here, me too and I'm more sorry this is invading your life at one of the most special times your kids wedding ... double fuck!!! But chaos and bullshit can strike on any day anytime. Try to enjoy and stay in the moment that day. As far as being angry thinking back I'm not sure I was in terms of rageful or squeezed fist? Some are though I believe the hurt was so great that I surely thought the gaping ache of my wounded heart would swallow me whole? It didn't ... I chant at low,times I'm wounded not broken. If you get angry more power to you .turn that into power not more poor choices meditate work out. long ago it was wrote your heartbreak your rules. True that. But in hindsight anger is,really a mask for hurt ... isn't it? You may still be numb or perhaps to many blanks in the story for you to just let it be and although you might find out shit that makes your head spin and heart sunk the mind movies fictional I first tried to create were way worse. Some things I'm still shaking my head and others I wish I didn't know... careful once you know something you can't unknown it. Sigh! Sit idle, do you and stay busy with the wedding but then once home allow yourself some me time maybe that's falling apart on the bathroom floor or maybe it's a long walk outside the warmth on your face can help along with pretty toes go ahead splurge. You aren't alone. We are all here. We know exactly how you are feeling!

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  18. Sweet probably dying...

    My heart cries for you when I read your story... what should have been the best time of your life ( enjoying wedding preps with your child, and worry only about trivial stuff like which shoes to pick etc- ) due to your husband's actions seems really tough
    Unfortunately I can rely to that... in my case pregnancies and even birth of one of my kids was a hell experience ( 5 months pregnant, discovering porn, hook ups etc. complete denial on my husband.... and finall straw- chatting and hookibg up with a prostitute while I was recovering from my C section and my baby was still at ICU ��)
    Please, remove any kind of pressure from yourself regarding making decisions... you are still frozen in a sense , you have a full right to feel whatever you feel...there is no right or wrong way... it's just the way it is... if you can shift your focus on your daughter and the wedding- great... it my case, when the whole hell broke loose- I couldn't afford to break down... talk to my therapist and we made decision to hold on everything ( snooping talking anything) for about month and a half, until I have time to deal with it.... somehow, consciously, I basically froze in time, pushed aside all the misery and focus on daily stuff.... consciously...

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  19. Gabby, I'm gonna start by saying that I totally understand why he's not deserving a second chance, I mean who does he think he is? Mr irresistible, he really does need bringing back down to earth with a bang. Clearly he doesn't like being challenged in anyway, it's his way or the high way which must be extremely frustrating for you. Well done for working on you Gabby the less attention your h gets the better, his ego will eventually slap him in the face. Personally I think he sounds like a very insecure man who like you says needs mc to deal with his issues. Gabby please continue to work on you, your right to shut him if he's not worthy of your time or energy. You deserve so much better my love and I believe beautiful things are coming your way.. peace and strength coming your way.. lots of love xxx

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  20. hi there SS, i am also SS. We can keep standing strong together, but to help our friends tell us apart I'm going to add a "1" after my screen name (I'm the SS who hangs out over on the separating or divorcing page a bunch.)
    And the fact that your H was hooking up with a sex worker while you were recovering from delivering your baby blows my mind. Just shows how disconnected from reality they are. Mine was on "business trips" with the OW while I was ferrying our daughter around to various medical specialists to figure out why a teenager was having chronic kidney stone issues. Wow, right?
    And i completely agree with you that to stay in the moment, be conscious of right now. I'd also add in there our favorite on here "be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself" Much love! SS1

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  21. Thank you, this was needed today. 15months out from dday... some days now are just as hard as those first days then.

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    1. Dawn, we're on a similar timeline out from D-day. I understand what you mean. Some days do seem like they're just as hard. But if I think about it, I'm really in a way different place than March 2016, when the trickle truth finally spilled over and it was all out. I'm not over it, not by a long shot. And I'm not even sure that this marriage is going to work out. But at least this is not the same place as before. Where I am definitely not is "our marriage is so much stronger now than before the affair", and I have serious doubts it ever will be. So, not sure what to do with that feeling...
      Hang in there, sister!

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