"According to recent neuroscience studies, the act of remembering triggers nearly the same activities in the brain and its circuitry as the actual experience.... However, narrating what you remember, telling it to someone, does something else. The more a person recalls a memory, the more they change it. Each time they put it into language, it shifts. The more you describe a memory, the more likely it is that you are making a story that fits your life, resolves the past, creates a fiction you can live with. It's what writers do. Once you open your mouth, you are moving away from the truth of things. According to neuroscience."
Lidia Yuknavitch, The Chronology of Water
We all have our D-Day stories, don't we? We all go back and pore over the days, weeks, years that led up to D-Day. Was he cheating when we were visiting our sister? Was he cheating when we were pregnant? And on and on.
We beg for details to help us fill out our stories. What we don't know, we invent. The Other Woman was a gymnast in bed. She had long legs. She laughed charmingly at his stupid jokes.
The mind movies are devastating. We lie in bed playing them over and over again. Or they ambush us when we hear a certain song, drive past a certain restaurant, notice a certain time of year.
Thing is, we weren't there. We will never ever know what it was really like. Nothing is ever really as fabulous as we think it is. Not the celebrity lives we envy in magazines. Not the other moms' lives with their kids who never seem to whine. Not the Other Woman with her imagined sexual sorcery.
Which is why we need to tell our stories with ourselves cast as the heroine. Maybe a tragic heroine, but a heroine nonetheless. Our stories can save us, if we let them. I'm not talking about creating a fiction, necessarily. But as Lidia Yuknavitch notes, there's a ton of brain science about the value of stories in healing trauma. It's why rape survivors need to tell their stories. It's why plane crash victims need to tell their stories. Over and over and over.
And it's why betrayed wives need to tell their stories. It's how we make sense of what's happened to us. And it's how we re-insert ourselves back into a narrative that we've been written out of. Our husband might have conveniently ignored our role in his life, the OW might be able to pretend we don't exist or that we shouldn't exist. But we don't have to buy that story.
No way.
Our story begins and ends with us – fighting like hell for our bodies, our hearts and souls. Yuknavitch's book, The Chronology of Water, is about a resurrection, a rebirth. It's about a woman who refuses to give up on herself, who refuses to accept others' stories. She is whole, just as we are. Not bit players in another's story but stars in our own.
Tell your story. Tell it as many times as you can to anyone who will hold it in their own hearts, without judgement, without flinching at your pain. Tell it until it fits your life and resolves the past. It is your truth and it will be your rebirth.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Now I understand why a friend of mine kept telling me the story over and over again whenever we met
ReplyDeleteA lot of trauma survivors have to tell their story over and over. It's the value of support groups, the chance to craft what feels like chaos into a coherent narrative or come to terms with the fact that it will never make sense.
DeleteThanks. I guess the hardest part is how to help one heal. Seeing someone you cared about broke into tears and heart broken really brakes my heart. I wish there is some wise statement or advise that I could give to make her move on and not reliving the nightmare each time something remind her of what happened. The husband confessed that he had sex with a prostitute when he was out with a group of friends one weekend. He was sorry and regretted it and now treats and loves her very much but my best friend just couldn't move on. Do you have any advise that could help her?
DeleteYou can direct her to this site, where an army of soul-warriors who know her pain can offer support and compassion. You can also tell her that you will be with her in her pain. Tell her you don't have answers and there are no shortcuts through heartbreak but that you care about her and that you will not leave her alone in her grief. That's about the best any of us can ever do. And it's enough.
DeleteSure will share this site with her. Hope she will get some insights from all the sharing. Thanks
DeleteThanks. Will share the site
DeleteTomorrow is my big D-Day anniversary, #2, when the affair finally ended and so much came out. Thank you for this - I needed this today as I sit on the brink of tomorrow. It is affirming my desire to talk through my story, and that there is healing in talking. The unknown areas where I don't know because I wasn't there continue to be places of utter darkness and defeat in my mind and I need to remind myself that these times where when I was strong, when I was being the mom my children needed at the time, they are times when I knew my husband was struggling (and he was!) and that I had compassion and love showing despite the hell of the affair going on around me. I need to remind myself to tell my story and not the OW's or even my husband's because my story is one of conquering and perseverance.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. THere's such power in what you wrote, a recognition of what you endured while raising kids, extending compassion and holding a family together. What's more, our stories help each other. We learn from each other, we get various blueprints of how to survive that we can then apply to our own lives.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI love what you wrote here. So true. I spend time feeling like a victim, but the truth of how my character shined in my darkest moments is the real story. I wasn't perfect (or even always sane) during the thick of it, but I did manage some pretty heroic feats by staying focused on my child's needs and extending compassion where few would be able to. That's MY story. The affair is his story. I love that. Thank you.
On D-Day I was visibly shaken (was at work) so ended up telling some colleagues. They helped me immensely that day. Gave me strength to go home and deal with it, helped me verbalise my anger, even made me laugh while my heart was breaking. But now, 3 months on, I regret them knowing. At the time I was kicking him out, he was a complete bastard, I hated him etc but since I decided to try to work through things with him, I regret them knowing. I think it is because I imagine I seem weak and stupid to them. They have never said that and we're all supportive, telling me that I need to do what was right for me but I hate that they know.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I recently told my cousin who is also one of my best friends and our husbands get along well too. I took my time before telling her as I didn't want people hating or thinking bad of him. A ridiculous thought, I know! But she just listened. She didn't offer a single piece of advice or even criticise him (unlike my colleagues). She has seen him since and spoke to him as normal without a hint of knowledge or emotion on the issue. I love her for that. I found her really reaction so useful. I could let it all out and not feel judgement or sympathy.
In an ideal world I would love to shout his infidelity from the rooftops and tell every single person who thinks he's a good guy so they can judge him. He deserves that. But they would also judge me and I don't deserve it.
Definitely tell your story, but tell it to someone you trust, who will not interfere in how you are dealing with it.
Miss Tee, I completely understand your feeling but I would ask you to note that your colleagues haven't said anything to you. It's what you're saying to yourself that is creating the fear or sense of judgement.
DeleteWhat's more, whatever they think of you, at least one of them (statistically speaking) has gone through or will go through what you did and you're showing them a possible path toward healing. Try and be conscious of the voice in your head and remind yourself that this is your thinking not necessarily the truth of what's going on around you.
That said, a friend/cousin who can just listen and accept is a valuable thing indeed!
After 28 years of marriage- how can I trust anyone ever again- what really sucks is you are right- the whole world should know that he is not just a pig but the KING of pigs. How unfair that it only truly adversely reflects on the betrayed.
DeleteMiss Tee, this advice is so valuable. I wish I could take back telling a friend I thought I could trust. She does not understand or respect my decisions and has done things to try to convince me to change them. I will beef to put up boundaries with the very same person I believed would have respected mine. It is very painful addition to a place situation that has enough pain. Be wise in who you confide in!!
DeleteI wish I had someone to tell my story too. It has been a year and a half of H lying and not admitting anything. I know he filed for divorce because I received papers in the mail. After hanging on to little shreds of hope and "he could not be that man to do this to me", I have now put little cryptic pieces of information together that not only tell me he had an affair, but pretty sure he lost his job because of it, moved with OW, and pretty sure she is in situation with her "husband" and children. Of course she is younger. He tells my children and his sisters that he wonders if I would take him back but he has not once showed any ounce of regret/remorse and says my family "is mistaken". I have been living in a fog and can't stop thinking about confronting someone to get the truth out once and for all.
ReplyDeleteCantbehappening, I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. It takes a special breed of self-absorbed ass to walk away from his wife, file for divorce and offer up not a bit of explanation or respect or decency. It's stunning and I know it hurts but I can't help but think you got the better end of the deal by being done with him.
DeleteThis isn't about you at all. This is about an exceptionally self-absorbed person for whom you were disposable. You deserve so much better than this.
As for your story, tell it here. Tell it over and over. How long were you married? Was he ever a good husband? You mention kids -- are they adults now? It can be healing to simply share so please feel free.
In the meantime, please also know that there are so many women on this site who know your pain and who are walking through it too. They're smart and compassionate. Let us help.
I wish I had someone to talk to! After a year and a half after putting little cryptic pieces of information to get her I am pretty sure that not not only did H have an afffair with a younger married OW with younger children, I'm pretty sure he lost his job because of it and moved with her to another state. I received divorce papers in the mail- having never heard the word. His family and my children say he wonders if I would have him back- but he says they are mistaken and schedules more meetings with his attorney. I have been living in a fog and yes, question every memory. All I can think about is confronting someone (OW spouse?) to get to the truth once and for all.
ReplyDeleteCantbehappening, There is a peer support line with mentors who have been through betrayal. The Web site is www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org
DeleteGive them a try. It's free (though they appreciate donations).
As for the "truth", I think you know everything you need to know. The details will only compound your pain. Focus on you and your healing.
So I'm wondering if anyone cares to share their new narrative? I can honestly say that I struggle with a new story about my life. Elle, care to share a little about your new story and how you make sense of your life?
ReplyDeleteI think this would be helpful also. I struggle since I have a great memory. My husband is no where near as good or maybe that is on purpose. we have talked about this a lot. More of the pain for me is not just from the affairs but the entire marriage/relationship. My husband has said how his entire life was fake and he can do nothing to change the past and only change the future. I get that intellectually but constantly feel roadblocks related to the past. It is hard or so far has been impossible for me to see our marriage and relationship as a positive after what he has told me.
DeleteBeach Girl, I've posted before about our "new" life and how we are progressing. My message has always been that life can be happy and forgiveness can happen.
DeleteThough I'll never know specific dates, this month marks 3 years since my husband decided to look outside our marriage for validation of his worth with a stranger. September marks three years since the OW called me at work, blurted out that my husband is cheating, and hung up me as payback for him coming to his senses and extricating himself from the mess they both created.
About 90 percent of the time I am able to put it behind us and to genuinely love and accept being loved by this man, my best friend, who has hurt me in a way that no one else ever could. I have a very large family but have told none of my brothers or sisters. There are very few people I trust with this information. We have told our sons and I have told one friend and the women on this blog. We did not go to counseling because I didn't feel comfortable doing it. We talked and talked, I asked every question under the sun - repeatedly. We shared thoughts and feelings and fears and became even closer. Soon we will celebrate our 30th anniversary and our marriage is great, I have no doubt that I am safe and loved and appreciated. He is amazing, loving, thoughtful, attentive and the best man I'll ever have. His kindness is consistent and real. On his days off he wakes before me and holds me, messages me gently awake, brings me coffee or breakfast before I leave for work. He sends me sweet texts throughout the day. He spends his time off working on our home. I sometimes wonder if he feels he needs to have something to show for his time while we are apart. It's as though he can fix this by making everything else in life truly perfect. Sometimes I feel so bad for him. The guilt he carries weighs heavily on him and it is often exhausting to watch.
As for me, lately, waking to his kindness and his patience and genuine love, I sometimes find myself unable to feel anything. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I just can't feel anything. I put this strange feeling aside, respond accordingly, and move through my day believing that maybe this is just temporary. Maybe it's because it's August and the feeling in the air and the timing are bringing it all back to me. Maybe if he could remember a specific date for me to hate I could get it down to a day rather than a month. Maybe, I am just now able to allow myself to question how I feel because when it happened I was so frantic to fix us that I didn't stop to truly assess the damage. I don't know what this is, but the new me feels safe enough in my marriage to give it time to pass or develop.
What I've Learned: I believe that this marriage is now stronger than it has ever been. I believe I am truly loved. I believe that sometimes people make mistakes and deserve a second chance. Surviving this makes you stronger. There will be good days and there will be bad days and decisions don't have to be permanent.
BeachGirl and Hopeful 30,
DeleteI'm not I've crafted a "new" narrative so much as owned my story rather than allowed myself to be crafted by his story.
A big part of my story was finally recognizing the impact of my mother's alcoholism and addiction issues as a child. I kinda thought that when she got sober the impact was over. I had to acknowledge that I was still being affected by my childhood and was carrying that pain into my marriage. So that became part of my story. I was able to take a hard look at my need to present a perfect face to the world and acknowledge the fear behind that -- fear that if people knew the "real" me, I would be rejected. So that became part of my story.
But I also gave myself credit for my strength in a way that I hadn't before. I'd spent so many years focussing (and trying to hide) what was "wrong" with me. I began to focus on and value myself for everything I'd conquered in my life. I began to see my kindness not as some sort of flaw but as a strength. Sure, I'd never been cynical and blasé and "cool" but I thought the world needed more kind people than hip people.
And so on. It's really a matter of staying focussed on your story rather than your role in others' stories. It's revisiting pivotal moments in your life and giving yourself credit for survival rather than criticizing yourself for how you responded. Sure, we make mistakes. But often our "mistakes" are simply the best we're capable of that time. They're lessons. And by telling our own story, in which we are cast not as loser or rejected or villain, we can see that those lessons build on each other, or that we seem to need to learn the same lesson more than once.
Like you, Hopeful 30, much of my husband's pre-D-Day life was "fake". But lots of it wasn't. And it's not my responsibility to sift through what was real and what wasn't. I was present for all of it. Me. Which means my story is based on what I knew at the time. It's my story, not his.
This is a great post. I am going to get this book. I can see how this makes sense. I find thought that this is how I cope with this trauma. I can see it helps me move forward and heal. My husband however does not find this helps him. He has never been that way regarding anything. Maybe more of the typical guy. Or maybe just typical for him. I do not have anyone I feel that would be helpful in my life. Telling a therapist is only so helpful and honestly I feel if they are doing their job they help you move on but it still leaves me without an outlet.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is getting it all. Our issues go beyond the affairs at this point. This is good and bad. He sees everything else in his life as separate. And sure not having affairs and bad behavior related to women is great. But I see the same behaviors with friends and alcohol. To me it is the same poor decision making etc. This happens way less but I told him I am done with it and I don't care if he sees it as different it is all the same to me. He heard me and understands. He has been stepping up in big ways for me, himself, our marriage and our kids. That is all awesome but he needs to understand how his negative behavior can really negate all that good even if it is just one afternoon. I think he is hearing me and I do feel strong and powerful. He said to me today that he can tell I am not tolerating or accepting poor behavior or decisions. He can see my expectations are elevated as his are too for himself.
Thank you for your posts Elle. They provide me the support and inspiration to stick with this evolving recovery and to persevere and stand up for myself.
Hopeful30, the book is a memoir (and the man she ends up with was someone else's husband when they got together...so there's that). It's an incredible story of redemption but it can be a tough read for us betrayeds.
DeleteTo me telling our story was important. The OW had told so many lies including saying my husband raped her that I felt that I needed to protect his character along with her ex fiance's character. She had told my husband that he had beat her and cheated on her but she went running back to him when it blew up in her face. She had left him 2 weeks before I found out, which will be 2 years tomorrow. I wanted people to know the things she had done including slipping ecstasy in my husband's coffee and that she had planned everything with the help of two of her friends. She had been pinning on Pinterest how to get pregnant fast before she had slept with my husband and was planning her wedding to him. I had thought that she had been doing all of this because she was engaged to this other guy that she had been with for years. The affair lasted less then 10 days. And my husband had said that it was the most disgusting situation he had ever found himself caught up in. After my husband's suicide attempt I had blocked her phone number on his phone. She was so desperate to contact him that she got a phone card so that it didn't show that it was her calling and believe me I was watching the phone records like a hawk. I worry sometimes that she will try and come to the new state we live in because I think that she is still that unstable, especially when she told me a few months ago that they were going to be together for ever and ever. The movies still play in my head at times and sometimes they are hard to shake off. I think that the most terrifying thing for me in remembering all of this was how his features, personality and skin color had been changed from lack of sleep and drug interactions. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy including her and her friends. But I understand things better now then I did 2 years ago. I find that I have more patience dealing with people who are mentally ill. I even suggested to her to go get help but, I'm sure that went in one ear and out the other. I've gone on in this blog about what this woman and her friends have done to us and probably sounded crazy myself. It truly was healing writing all of this down whether people believed it or not. Everyone deals with this in different ways. Mine was telling it over and over just to make sense of it in my head. The funny thing is my husband's side of the story never changed, but her story changed every time she opened her mouth He did hid somethings that she had done to protect me from her and I am grateful for that especially when she drove to our house when she found out that we were moving. I was alone outside with our dog watching her. I just hope some day that all of my rambling helps someone else who has gone through something similar.
ReplyDeleteCathy
Cathy, I think a lot of us have to tell our story over and over. It's how we process what happened. It sounds as if you've tapped into an incredible compassion you have and I don't doubt that has helped you heal.
DeleteAnd I think you'd be surprised at how our stories help others that come to t his site. We get roughly 2,000 visits daily and who knows what those visitors take away with them. I hope they take away the knowledge that there is an army of betrayed wives who are not victims but healing and healers.
The first person I told was her boyfriend. A few days later, I thought she was outside alone and I screamed horridbut deserving things. Turns out her Dad was outside, so he found out. With my screaming,I'm sure my neighbors found out. I first told my best friend, my son, then told a few close friends at work, my sisters, his bestfriend, his sisters and of course my therapist. I am so thankful for the people who stood by my side and would be there to talk me off the roof when having a bad day.
ReplyDeleteIt always makes me sad when our betrayed sisters have no one as a listening ear. My friends shared their opinions, but never turned on me for staying.
Journaling also helps. I periodically go back and read the events and emotions since 6/19/16. Reading my own story shows how far I've progressed, how far I need to go. Just like talking to my friends, it helps lessen my trauma.
It's very strange. He is under so much pressure now from everywhere. I sympathise. But I don't have all the strength to stand by him the way I used to. I'm trying my best. But a part of me keeps saying (well you brought this on us).
ReplyDeleteHe sometimes shuts off. Half a day later he is back to doing the work. The (I'm here for you and will always love you ) work. I keep telling him please don't forget how I used to be with you. I always cared and took care of everything and was the cheerful voice in the house. I don't want him to forget that. I'm trying my best but I'm not a robot. Neither is he. I'm rambling. I have No one else to talk to so I come here to ramble.
Today for the first time in 2 months I rode in the affair car. It was my choice. I was the one that picked that car for us when we first got it. I sure as hell didn't want her to take that away from me. I think a part of me was completely dead when I was in that car. Maybe to protect my emotions. I'm not saying I will ride in it again. We plan to get rid of it in a couple of months. But I want to claim it back before we get rid of it. Does that make any sense.
I hate it when the coworker calls and gives bad news regarding the project they are working on. He gets in a bad mood and it's hard for me to separate that on my head. His work is very important to him. She's also very good at what she does . I left work to stay home with the kids 12 years ago. (I met my husband at work). Sorry for rambling. Hugs..
Emma
DeleteThat makes perfect sense to me! My h had his cow living in the house with him while I was staying at the lake house when our daughter was going through divorce and custody battles. I reclaimed every inch of my yard, totally renovated my kitchen and bathroom and we now have all new furniture and beds and so yes it makes sense to me! Hugs!
Emma, It is not your job to caretake for him. He is an adult who, yes, brought this on himself. You can extend compassion for the pain he's in and the difficulty he has created but please don't take any of it on yourself. I think those of us who "take care of everything" have a hard time letting go of that role. But it's not a healthy one when we're dealing with an adult. Even young adults only learn how to take care of themselves (and accept responsibility for their choices) when we let go of doing everything for them.
DeletePlease also try and do some work around taking responsibility for his moods. A bad mood about a project has NOTHING to do with you and it's not your job to fix it. I recognize a lot of what you write because it was (and sometimes still is) the dynamic in my own marriage. I'm the caretaker of everyone's emotions. But it's exhausting and unhealthy for me. I have had to learn to put boundaries around what I will and will not take care of. And I've had to point out to my husband when his moods are impacting the rest of us. It's one thing to be in a bad mood - but it's another when that bad mood casts a shadow over the family.
The only people I told are my sisters and his sister. I don't feel like I should worry my parents or anyone else with the nightmare I discovered 9months ago, unless I was 110% sure I was leaving him. I'm glad I chose to do that BC now we are in a much better place than we EVER were and I don't want people to have a bad perception of him forever. I'm thankful that I stayed and most thankful that he has evolved into a great husband and father.
ReplyDeleteOh Amber, Your words are breaking my heart. You ARE brave and you ARE strong. Your video and the song you chose is beautiful and speaks of a strength and of healing. Your boys are absolutely beautiful and so are you.
ReplyDeleteI know how many of us get lost in our husband's poor choices. But this was HIS choice. You were doing the best you could to hold a family together. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in wanting that for your children and for yourself.
But now that life has forced a different ending on you, you will get through. Your boys will get through because they have a warrior mom to guide them.
I want you to reframe your own story into one in which you recognize the strength you have shown, the compassion you extended to a man you loved whose flaws have led him away from you. I want you to salute yourself for how hard you fought. And I want you to forgive yourself for not knowing better. Now you do. Now you will do things differently. That's what we learn from pain. It writes lessons on our hearts.
Amber, please keep reading here. You will find so many women who know your pain and who will remind you, as often as you need reminding, that you didn't deserve any of this. That you will get past this. I know it's so hard to believe but the day will come when this is an awful chapter in the story of your whole life.
Amber, wow - just wow.... Your video gave me chills. Thank you so much for finding this site and having the strength and courage to post that video. I hope you feel and can see how strong you are as you look back. You are an inspiration to me and all the women who visit this site, but most of all to your beautiful kids. You are enough and always have been, but you're also so much more now than when this started. Elle is right - you are a warrior!
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, Elle, for starting this site and keeping it going - I have been so blessed by the strength these women show, which gives me hope and the courage to keep trying to do the next right thing.
Amber,
ReplyDeleteYour post and your video brought me to the verge of tears. I can read the pain you've experienced but your strength shows through that pain. Thank you for sharing your story.
Stillwerise
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are living through this but so inspired by the strength you show in sharing your journey! I was reading this while enjoying my grandsons and it just moved me to tears! They are also the product of a broken home and are beginning to adjust to life with a step father and a new baby sister. It's been very hard on my sweeties but they showed me how resilient they are and I continue to be inspired by them. I'm sure there's going to be some rough times ahead for you as well but I feel confident that being one of us warriors, you will make it through those rough times! Sending hugs!
I have told so many people since I found out on July 29. Yes, 2017. I discovered a month earlier that my husband had a friend I did not know about (a friend form his childhood that he reconnected to) and then a month later that they had had sex (apparently only six times but who knows) during this six month long relationship. I have come a long way in less than sex weeks and am now on my third persona, I guess, as every day reveals something new to me. It didn't take me long to forgive him but hell.....this is like a bomb dropped inside. I went from a zombie to a place of acceptance....and neither of those felt good for long. Four years ago, I had a one night stand on him, so I have been on both sides. I know how it hurt him and I know he knows how much this hurts him. I just can't fathom after his pain how he did this..... but he did. And it's happened. And it's in my life and his life and our life. I tell people because when I am silent, a storm is brewing. I tell people because it has helped me face it. I tell people because I am not ashamed - this shit happened and it is real. I tell people and talk because I never want it to happen to us again. We have been going to counseling since week one and it has helped immensely but we have a long way to go to work through resentment and guilt and shame. And if he doesn't start talking more about his emotions, it will end anyhow. But I digress. I have come to this site nearly every day, shocked that I am not alone, in circumstance, emotion, anger, in it all. There are so many of us. I can't thank you all enough for telling your stories because it's helped my frame my own. I long for the day when this doesn't consume us and me....and until then, I will keep seeing you day after day, ladies.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisain OH, thanks for your post. I have circled around sharing my own story for so long, because I too, have been on both sides of betrayal. Your post and frank honesty about your situation gave me the courage to finally share all my story. Its important to be real and share all of ourselves, even the ugly bits. It does not in any way diminish the pain we experience now in the midst of betrayal.
DeleteJuly is sooo soon for acceptance and yeah, zombie is no place to stay for long wither. I'm so glad you are speaking your story. And in counseling together. Its the right track, in my opinion. Root out the wounds and expose them to fresh air and sunlight. Be patient with yourself. Don't rush to accept and forgive. In the meantime, focus on you, your healing and take the small moments of joy as they come. They are there.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Thanks for being my teacher in this case LisainOH.
Has the video been removed?
ReplyDeleteI never thought I would be a teacher in this case, but I now see it. Thank you for recognizing this in me. I didn't forgive because I felt forced. I forgave because I know that even though this affair sucks, there is no way this is going to define us. If we don't make it (18 years together, 15 married), it isn't due to lack of work or love or even this affair. So I will pour it all in. All over. Right now, its worth it to me. We go to counseling once a week and have been talking more than we have in years. I hesitate to say any of it is better or that I am happy.....but we have been brutally honest about it all. Trusting him going forward is a whole other story (how does one reconcile the fact that they have become insecure when insecure has never describes them?) but it's one for which I am ready. That's what I feel like: bring it the fuck on. Like what else could hurt? I wish I could say the armor is on so it doesn't matter what hits me any more. But no. The armor is off. And every hit, k will feel. And so be it. I am still ready.
ReplyDelete