I think one of the reasons d-day hit me so hard (aside from the obvious) is because I had completely let myself go. I don’t mean in the “gained weight, stopped wearing makeup, societal expectations” way, although there was certainly some of that going on. I mean in the “Alice In Wonderland, don’t forget who you are” way. I had this very physical sensation of being stripped bare. If I wasn’t a cherished wife and mother, who was I? All the things I had wrapped around me to keep me safe were exposed in that harsh light as a bunch of useless nothings – my extra weight, my social justice causes, my wine weekends, my efforts to cook nice meals, my unquestioning investment in his career, my kids' activities. So many things I can’t even recall at this point but all around being too busy to notice my own pain, too busy to see how things were coming apart, too busy to see how my needs were not being considered.
I can remember a point, just a few days after finding out and I was pouring my heart into the “pick me” dance (laser hair removal...actually glad I did this), botox, sexy underwear, weight loss (which was happening anyway thanks to anxiety), cooking elaborate meals, purchasing a book about “how to win your man back even if he’s in love with someone else” (eye roll) and doing nothing, absolutely nothing that might rock the boat or “scare” him away, like suggesting that he could not be in contact with her and live under the same roof with me, when I asked myself, “Well, if I am all stripped down, if I am a nothing, who do I want to be?” And I realized I was tired of hurting, tired of being a victim and tired of feeling not good enough every goddamn day. I decided, without fully knowing what I was committing myself to, that I was finally going to be the heroine of the story I had always wished to be.
I had hit on the crux of the crisis, part of the “how did I get here”. I had not, for the longest time, been at the center of my own story. Husband, kids, family, coworkers, dogs, random strangers in the grocery store, everyone came before me. I had lost the ability to voice an opinion, even for simple things (where do you want to go to dinner? I don’t care. Where do you want to go to dinner?) and on the rare occasion I did voice an opinion, I was both super-apologetic and full of guilt. It was, in hindsight, an awful way to live. I think, like so many women, I had bought into the societal pressures to be the super-mom, always burning herself out for others, putting herself dead last behind kids and spouse. This falls under the Brené Brown category of “The danger of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as a metric for self-worth.” We are not worthy if we are not wearing ourselves to the bone for our families (in whatever shape they take). I had also, in the pursuit of wifely and motherly perfection, let go of the things that fed me, that helped define me. Things like art, photography, connecting with nature, friends, my own career.
Over time and with a lot of effort and a whole lot of falling down and getting back up again, I am, in general, much better at keeping myself in the center of my story. There are still old habits, particularly when I am dealing with old, dysfunctional relationships or people with very bad boundaries (my ex, my MIL) but I’m a work in progress and I’m proud to say I’m coming along nicely.
What does keeping yourself at the center of your story look like? Here are some ideas, in no particular order:
1
1. I am responsible for my own happiness
2. No one is responsible for taking care of me except for me
3. I am not responsible for the happiness of others
4. What others think of me is none of my business
5. I am allowed to make choices that are good for me
6. I am committed to taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually
7. I am learning to make decisions and voice opinions
8. I listen to my body
9. I am kind to myself and interrupt negative self-talk
10. I set boundaries
11. I can listen to others and accept their feelings without agreeing or needing to “educate” or teach them
12. I trust myself and my decisions and am willing to live with the consequences, even if things don’t go as planned or when they go better than planned
13. I give myself permission to say no to people and things that’s aren’t right for me
14. I accept responsibility for my choices
15. I recognize that in a family unit, sometimes others’ needs are equal to our own, that sometimes I can make a choice to put someone ahead of me, but that for the majority of the time, it is healthy and acceptable to consider my own needs and wellbeing first
16. When I try to fix things for others or protect them from the pain or consequences of their actions, I rob them of an opportunity for growth
17. I try to accept people and relationships as they are not as I wish them to be
18. I am learning to self soothe and reassure myself rather than seek reassurance and validation from others
19. I have as much time as I need to make choices and decisions. I can wait and let things unfold. I don’t have to do or fix everything right this second
20. I will stop judging and comparing myself to others
21. I will no longer “fake it till I make it”
22. I am beautiful, smart and courageous and I will not apologize for it
23. I accept that I am enough and when people in my life can’t see it, that is their failure, not mine
Nowadays, I know when I am not keeping myself in the center of my story because my anxiety starts to rise. I start worrying about caretaking in co-dependent ways and trying to control things that are beyond my control. I feel my chest tighten and my gut gets grumbly. I stop sleeping well. I worry about the future. And I start to lose my grip on doing the things that serve me, like running, like painting, like meditating, like spending time with friends, like eating healthy food, like taking care of my home. Putting myself in the center has the remarkable side-effect of placing me in the here and now. What’s good right now? The sunshine, my coffee, my dumb dogs, this photo I just took, this meal I’m having with a friend. The other stuff, the big stuff, whether or not my ex gets his act together, that will play out and I neither want nor have any control over the outcome. These days, I’m not killing myself over it because his “stuff” is not central to my story anymore. I think this can be true whether you stay or go. His stuff needs to take a back seat to your stuff. Put yourself in the center of your own story and make it a good one.
StillStanding1 - Thank you for these words, the kind reminder that we all can put ourselves first and it is okay. Thank you for sharing your journey with openness. So much of what you describe here is what I am working so hard on. So many of your sentences had me nodding my head saying "Yes, Yes this is me!" (The where do you want to eat dinner thing...I do this ALL the time even if I do have an opinion - LOL). I am working hard at getting back to me...what I can control, what I can do to heal, getting back to my individual counselor for more guidance (mainly to keep me focused in the right direction - I easily let myself get distracted by what I think husband needs, or kids need or whatever). Thanks for the reminders that it is okay to focus on me! Big hugs!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJules, hugs back at you! Its amazing how hard it is to keep ourselves in the center, isn't it? I like the dinner example, because I think it is one we can all relate to, especially, as you say "even if I do have an opinion." I think about how I used to feel when I didn't say "I'm in the mood for burgers." and then we didn't get burgers and it was something that hardly mattered at all. And then I'd think about the accumulated impact of all the times I stayed silent, when I did have an opinion, or something wasn't working for me, etc etc. and how resentful and unloved I felt over time. A good part of that was my own responsibility! (Never mind for the the moment what we are taught over and over about our silence being one of our best assets). It is so easy to get distracted, but at least I am noticing now, and can step back to the middle when it happens. (Or make the choice to stay where I am for the moment if that feels right too.)
DeleteSS1, just what I needed to read this morning. After I read the suggestions at this link, https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-your-body-can-change-your-mind-and-moods-1027155, I decided to hop here. I mean, seriously, does Monday start any better than this? I had a horrible and I mean horrible day a week ago that brought both of us to our knees. We got up, brushed ourselves off and reaffirmed that we want to continue forward together because we are worth this effort and commitment. Blessings to all.
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl, I love that article! Thanks for sharing. I am tickled by how many of these things I do or discovered on my own while trying to survive the wilderness of the last 21 months. Eating all my meals, napping (!!), hot tea, walking (and running) and getting outside, even if its just while I eat my lunch or letting the dogs out. Getting outside and having open sky over my head... Even the little smile I bring to my lips at the beginning of meditation. Little acts of self care really add up.
DeleteI'm sorry you had a horrible day. They can take you right down to the floor, especially when unexpected. Hope you are doing better, sounds like you are. Hugs.
SS1,
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you. This is wonderful!! Love the list.
I know that I will be returning to it often in the future for reference, reminder, and to acknowledge progress. I feel courage and bits of hope to continue on.
Truth , glad you like it, the list is kind of fluid and changes for me based on based on what I am currently "rumbling" with, but I often come back to it and the basics of "be kind to myself" I think courage and kindness go hand in hand. HUgs!
DeleteStill standing 1
ReplyDeleteThe way you think and write makes me look at myself and I see that I need to work on myself a little more! My h is working on himself and I have tried to put me first but like you say it's easy to fall back into old habits. Beach girl, I too had a very bad day a couple of weeks ago and yes we both picked ourselves up and we committed to keep fighting together for the good times and try to minimize the pain when we face the bad days! It's hard sometimes but if we pull together as a team the way we did before he made those lousy choices we do have more good than bad times! Hugs!
Theresa, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day too. But I think sometimes, when you pull together, as you say, and get through, it's an opportunity for increased connection and intimacy together. That's me putting a silver lining on the bad days. :)
DeleteThanks SS1, my H is starting to have issues with his mental health again and this time all I did was to insist he make an apt with his psychiatrist & IC. Keeping myself in the center of my story means no longer rescuing H's from his self-destructive choices and giving him the chance to succeed (or fail) on his own. If he succeeds in maintaining his own behavioral health then our marriage just might survive. If he fails he fails alone. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteBEG, right on! I have to interrupt myself from swooping in to rescue even now, even with the divorce moving to a close. He still is looking for me to fix things and I have to fight like hell to resist the urge to do so. Drawing that line in the sand, a boundary for you, that he go and deal with it himself is powerful, liberating even. Kick ass!
DeleteI agree completely with everything you say here. It is so critical. I also think at least for me and our marriage the article in Harper's Bazaar that someone posted on another string "Women Aren't Nags- We're Just Fed Up" sums up us totally. Where I feel stuck is we now live with decisions made over the past 25+ years. These are decisions we cannot go back and change but for me at least the results hang over me on a daily/weekly basis. Our focus and attention has been and continues to be my husband's career since we invested (me paying for it) in his education and training. For us to move or focus on my career would be life altering in a huge way for us and our kids. I feel like going back to school now would not be fiscally responsible even if I look at just me not considering us or our family. I have tried every way to figure out how to focus more on me but I feel stuck with these decisions I made so long ago based on the fact I thought we were a team. This is just one example but I feel like there are others.
ReplyDeleteAs a couple we have tried to branch out make new friends and facilitate more couples outings rather than guys nights out or guys trips. No one is interested. So we are living with legacy friends. And these are friends from grade school and that time frame. My husband and I have moved on and others around us have. We want so badly to find other couples with the same focus as us but have come up short and we find if we go out with our friends separatly that it is just like pre dday. Before dday I had many interest and did a lot with friends on my own. That has decreased a lot with spending more time with my husband.
So in a way I feel stuck with what was and what is. I am not sure honestly how to create a balanced marriage and time for myself yet manage two careers (I started working again for both my self esteem and so I can feel self sufficient) kids, family, cooking, exercising. We honestly have so little time even together. I know it is that phase in our life. We turn down invites all the time so we are not over scheduled for our family, kids, and individually. Has anyone else faced this. When I focus so much on what I want to do it feels exactly like pre dday era.
Hopeful 30 and others who feel stuck regarding where you are in life. I am not all that young (66) and went to graduate school when I was 40. At the time I was just so freaked out about the "what-ifs" in my life including what if my marriage does not make it. Interesting right because I had no idea my husband lived with childhood demons that grew and grew but when I was 40 for some reason I just knew I needed to gain some skills so that I could support myself and my three kids if "anything" happened to my marriage. In hindsight I know that I was not really that happy with the way I felt in my marriage but I could not put my finger on it and my husband always said things were good. When I started school, I was far from the oldest one there and I became very aware of how many older women who chose to return to school in order to enhance their lives and have more opportunities. The biggest eye opener was a woman I car-pooled with who was the mother of six adult kids who was 66 at the time. Her husband had just retired and she told me that she always wanted to work but she stayed home with her kids and did everything everyone expected her to do. She admitted that she exhausted herself and was never really happy living for everyone else. She finished school and went on to work for several years.
DeleteHopeful30, It sounds like you are feeling trapped at least as much as stuck. Is that a fair assessment? Like, Ok we've made these choices together, but now after he cheated, I don't feel safe in the event it happens again or falls apart and I have to go out on my own. I love what Beach Girl has posted, which is "it's never too late to do or start or try or be something you've always wished for or wanted." I know you are at that stage of life where it feels like a steeplechase where they've added 90 extra hurdles.
DeleteKids, family, cooking, exercising, cleaning... none of those things is more important than you. That's right. I said it. Your kids will survive if you get pizza sometimes, or heat up chicken nuggets. Your family will live if you opt not to go to every event. Your kids and husband will not burn the house down if you go out for a walk or run or hit a yoga session. It's a weird way to express it, but when I get all torqued up about all the things I need to manage and do and places I have to be, I notice that my body it tight, tense insight and out. So then I think about what can I soften? What can I ease up on? What can I let go of? Get soft with your life.
As for other couples like minded, have you tried MeetUp? Its a good way to get out and engage with new, like minded people. Very social, often around activities you like (cooking, movies, photography, whatever). I did this quite a bit as a newly single person and I have some nice new friends as a result. I noted that there are a lot of people out there as couples too. Just an idea...
And Hopeful30, I remember this tough, busy, squeezed time of life. It is hard. You are doing great. Honest. Everyone struggles here. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. It gets easier, your schedule gets lighter. Hang in and take each day as it comes and spend a little time with yourself too. Hugs!
Thanks so much to BG and SS1, It is tough. I am glad we have gone through dday and recovery and my husband agrees. This phase would be a million times harder if we were where we were before dday. I think being at this teen age era is so much more exhausting than I ever expected. I have great kids and they have little to no issues but it is just the pressure of everything they are facing and so much work. We delegate a lot to them and expect them to manage a lot so we are way better off than most parents we know who still sit and do homework with their kids every night. I just think overall we are both just tired and exhausted. We are trying to focus our energy and prioritize it is just a challenge. I am glad my husband would do everything he could to give me whatever time I need even changing around his work schedule without any brush back ever and honestly he was this way before dday. I do take full advantage of working out and those types of things. I will check out that app. I have never heard of it. At times I feel like our only solution would be to move to a more like minded community. There are just not many people where we live that are like minded. And I am not saying agree on everything but have the same interests. Not being religious does not help and then the flip side are the parents who just seem to go out all the time and hire babysitters or leave their kids alone a lot. Neither of us is into that.
DeleteEducation wise my husband was pushing me a lot to go into mental health/therapy since he thinks I would be good at it. However I am not interested in getting into his field. I need some independence and separation. I also do not want to be gone from my kids and doing internships for their last years at home. I have looked into other opportunities but the cost for what I want to do is astronomical and living where we do it would not ensure future jobs or job security. So I think I would enjoy the pursuit of it but cannot justify the huge cost with no future benefit ans then looking at the cost of my kids education coming up that is a consideration. It might sound silly but then I think about do I want to pursue a degree where I will not have any better job than now and be in debt so much etc. What I do now I make a great living and am in high demand so that is helpful.
I just need to accept or make a decision to take a leap. I have always been such a practical person and frugal so that plays into my mentality especially with such a huge price tag. Some days I think put that money into vacations for the next 20 years for just myself. It is tempting.
Ss bravo to you, I love this and have sent it to many of my female friends, another example of you continuing to give, but we love you for it .. thank you so much xxx
ReplyDeleteSam A - thank you! xoxoxxo
DeleteYES!!! So much YES. I am happy to have left the role of victim behind to make way to becoming my own heroine. Up until a few months ago, I thought I had to heal with him. Healing the marriage takes both of us, but MY healing comes from within. I found it to be a desperately lonely road in the beginning, even with the help and support of my best friend and therapist, but it became one of incredible empowerment and self-restoration and continues to be so. I relate to most of what you write SS1. If you looked up self abandonment in the dictionary, I would have been the example picture. At first I did it to get him to notice me in any capacity (I hoped he would feel sorry for me) but it just flowed into depression and grief. I saw my marriage failing while being blamed for it and as I watched him becoming unrecognizable. I based my happiness on his response. I couldn’t do anything right, even keeping the “peace.” I felt that I failed him and that if he didn’t like/love me, no one else would. I forgot my worth. I questioned everything about me because I trusted that he wouldn’t steer me in the wrong direction. We failed at therapy because of his manipulation and the shrink and I fell for it. I realized that I didn’t even recognize myself. I relinquished so much and didn’t even see it until the shit storm hit.
ReplyDeleteSelf worth came rushing in on DD1 (11/6/16). The shit storm hit full force on DD2 (12/1/16), and while I, like all of us in this blessed group, endured the hell of his actions, I persevered because I would no longer let his choices define me. On top of all the painful shit of his actions, I was facing a woman that I new nothing about, myself, but knew deep, deep down, that I wanted to find me again. I look back on the past year and am more in awe of myself than feeling the gut wrenching pain I lived with for so many months waiting for him to come around…8 months to be exact…but I’m here and I know I will survive what ever comes my way and it feels FUCKING AMAZING. For the first time in 7 years, I have more weeks without anxiety than with, and I am learning to deal with triggers in more manageable ways. I choose to spend my time creating than in bed crying. Not that I mind crying, but I give no more energy to my pain than needed and I’m glad. My acts of rebellion come in the form of not cleaning or doing laundry, and spending my time doing what I want without guilt or fear. I too am a work in progress and am very pleased with how I’m coming along.
Your list of wisdom and self love is priceless and one to live by. The more I practice living in my story and my list of wisdom, the stronger I become and the better I feel. A year ago, I never thought it was possible to be where I am now, but I’m here and I’m a force to be reckoned with. We all are. Thanks for reminding me just how badass we are Still Standing 1. Much love and comfort to you all…Michelle
Every ending is a new beginning, we just don't know that at the time.
Olive Mee, I was reading your post and shouting Yeees!! in my head. I was in the same place where the marriage was failing and I was being blamed for it and he was full of shit at mc and wasx turning more and more into a giant asshole. KInd of mind blowing in retrospect that I was willing to put up with it to keep the peace, keep things safe. Just wow.
DeleteEven now, for me, as new things come to light or as I face new curve balls from the universe, I know, IKNOW, I will land on my feet. I'm not done writing my story yet.
And Olive Mee, you are a force. Sometimes life grabs our attention and says "this is it, girl. Time to wake up." And you've really done something amazing with that! Rock on!
SS1,
ReplyDeleteThank you! This is a perfect reminder for me. I have always been queen of the “I don’t care. Where do you want to go for dinner?” But to make it worse, I would then be resentful when we ended up somewhere I really didn’t want to go. I’ve started with small things like actually saying where I want to go to eat. I no longer feel guilty when I attend a crochet class in the evening because the reality is nothing will fall apart at home in 2 hours. And I deserve that small window of time to do something I enjoy. I’vre even learned to say no to having my MIL over to dinner on nights when I just want to be in my jammies and in bed watching tv by 7 or 8. And again, nothing falls apart and no one gets their feelings hurt. There are many other areas where I still need to take better care of myself but I’ll get there.
Dandelion,
DeleteOh, how I can relate! I have improved in speaking up and taking time for 'me' things. But I will confess I still hear that little voice whisper 'that's selfish'. I'm getting bolder at silencing it.
If I'm honest though, I put myself in this unheard position. One opportunity at a time. Amazing really.
I think that's why I find the above list so extremely helpful. It's clarity and straight-forwardness will be a checklist in measuring progress.
Crochet on!!
That was always a huge battle that my husband would invite his parents or MIL over. He was always busy with work or other responsibilities so all of the prep landed on me. His cop out was he didn't care how clean the house was etc. And as I told him 1,000's of times no one looks at the house and says he does not clean it up to take care of things. This is a bigger societal issue but stills something we live with. And I cannot tell you how many times he would say let's meet for dinner with and without the kids depending and I would show up and my MIL was there. He felt bad for her, didn't want her eating at home alone etc. And I always spoke up and would say something and of course he would flip it on me that I was mean and not inclusive. I always came at it from the point of he worked all the time and that was our little bit of time together or as a family and we needed to plan to include her. Then I was told I lacked spontaneity. Looking back I am sure it was to deflect from him or to help him avoid me. It is still a struggle at times but has improved a lot. It is just crazy!
DeleteDandelion, that was me too. I don't care, but I'm grumpy now we are having Mexican instead of Chinese, lol. But now I speak up and negotiate and internally, take responsibility for my choice to go with something or not. A much stronger and less co-dependent place to be.
DeleteIn the beginning, I had to start making choices, even when it didn't matter to me at all, just to get used to the practice of choosing and voicing an opinion. Do something different. Change my brain. And I found over time that I got more in touch with what I wanted or what would work with me. Turns out I did have wants and needs, I just hadn't tapped into them in sooo long.
And Truth, I totally participated in my own silencing. But we are taught that from a very young age. Tell that voice that whispers to sit down and stay quiet. It's just not true.
Hopeful30, I agree with your assessment, that he was bringing your MIL to dinner to avoid having one on one with you. Triangling in a 3rd in any relationship, helps diffuse energy and for those with fear of intimacy (or something to hide) allows them to avoid connection (or detection). You must have felt hurt and slighted. I know I would have. Especially when you expressed your desire to have one on one time and to be slapped down with a "not spontaneous" remark is just BS. The whole "spontaneous" ideal is another one of those things we are told is good and we should strive for and is, in general, not functional day to day and kind of a pile of horse poo. I won't get started...
Yes, I got that "not spontaneous" line too, especially when I was trying to explore what was going on in our sex life (i.e. nothing!)
DeleteI now see it was just my h's cowardly way of avoiding telling me the truth: that he had secretly opted out of our relationship. Spontaneous... and selfish.
SS 1, Also related to spontaneity. It is one of those things that can never be enough or can go overboard. There is no way to please someone when that is their criticism of you. I will never be that person and refuse to change for him. I will go with the flow. Looking back too I am sure it was a comparison with the two ow. I am sure they could be spontaneous when all it was random sporadic sex. I mean there is no responsibility in that.
DeleteOh yes. 19 and 23 especially. I think this idea of who am I is what pulled the rug right out fro under my firmly planted little feet on DDay and after. If I weren't that and cherished as that what the hell was I and why am I still alive??
ReplyDeleteim going to bookmark this and read it again and again. Thank you
Trying Hard 19 and 23 are biggies. And true no matter the situation. Obviously in some cases your hand is forced. You have to make decisions (or adapt) but in general, I am finding more and more, that when I take time, things unfold. I am provided with more info and insights. And sometimes things resolve themselves (for my good) in ways they might not have had I rushed to a decision. This was a hard thing for this Ms. Fixit Fast to learn.
DeleteTryingHard, I'm glad you are still alive. Everyone here has a purpose (not some magical destiny crap), and that purpose is to learn, grow and love. I really believe its that simple. And guess what? Everyone showing up here? We're doing that. Good stuff.
Thank you SS1, this is very relevant to me right now. Having decided to take a great online course to combat Anxiety and Depression plus a module on Anxiety with exercises from Steven Stosny, I have finally after 3 years begun to do many of the wonderful suggestions from your list, esp wrt the negative self-talk as well as valuing and recognising myself for the person I am, along with so many valuable qualities. It upsets me that some of those valuable qualities were not only forgotten by my husband but actually twisted. When issues came up, even before the affair he would block, stonewall and be defensive. Being a caring and helpful person I would begin to blame myself and hate myself for being the person who was always a downer on the relationship. But, as it turns out he was inauthentic, not sharing his true feelings, deceiving and hiding, again even before the affair and the monstrous result of that was making me feel 'wrong'. The affair then made me feel invisible, being a stay at home mom does the same (as you have said in your post). I no longer knew or valued myself. Only now am I hearing my own voice, as part of the exercises I am balancing my negative self-talk and recognising my positive motives I can now say what I need and what I deserve. I've facilitated my husband doing acting classes and practice now up to three evenings a week and I asked that he contact me on the way home. Yesterday he 'didn't press send' on the text. I don't know if it's true, it didn't ring true, rather he got distracted and forgot. It might be a small thing in other circumstances but as I said to him, I didn't forget to put out his dinner even though I was tired, I didn't forget to collect the children from their activities. I deserve not to be forgotten, I deserve compassion and support when triggered (something he has not been able to do). He has come a long way but not all the way toward the consideration he should have and not by himself. The important thing is that now I have learned not to hate myself, not to think that trying to connect and repair a relationship is me being bad. I have tried, like you to please so many, I need to be kind to myself. Thanks for this great post.
ReplyDeleteFoH, that whole twisted thing is part of what cheating partners do to justify ding something that goes against their values. Cognitive Dissonance. it goes kind of like this. "I am doing something I know is wrong and hurtful to people I care about. I am not a bad person. Therefore there must be good reasons I am doing or deserve to do these bad things. Those good reasons are "my wife doesn't love me or put out enough etc etc." "I'm not valued at home or work." "My wife nags me" " blah blah blah. Basically, they distort reality to justify their actions. The do a really crazy negative edit on your life and marriage. The story my ex told about our marriage was almost unrecognizable to me. And incredibly hurtful to hear him talk about our shared story in that way. (Careful, makes my blood boil even now if I spend too much time there). And if you're like mw, you take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility because you just want everyone to be happy and try to fix it etc. That's why this list is so important for me. Especially the 'I am not responsible for other people's crap." followed up with "Be kind to myself."
DeleteThe "did not press send" is just dumb. it probably wasn't true. He probably plain forgot but was afraid of the consequences or having to "talk" about it. 0% of adults can't go ten minutes without telling a lie. The fact is we all lie usually about things that don't matter and that will make us seem cooler or more likable. But often to avoid conflict. So. Dumb,yes, but I think that's likely all that's going on there. The good news is that its the most trusting people who can best tell when they are being lied to. Good motivation to keep offering my trust where its deserved. Hugs.
Thank you, Still standing1, it's so good to hear my worries and thoughts articulated by someone else. I did feel he might have lied, he certainly has no track record in facing into potential disapproval. x
DeleteThank you for sharing. Are you still together? I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a year-and-a-half ago. Not sure what his relationship with other woman was, but it was strange and I knew he was keeping secrets. Still love and miss him every waking moment. I keep one foot in front of the other. Got off FB, because I would peek at his page. Got off cold turkey. Got on twitter because he only uses twitter for sports related posts. I blocked him , which keeps both of us from viewing each other,s page. Bottom line: I miss him, I grieve, but I'm doing all I can to stay busy. Thanks for letting me vent.
ReplyDeleteHey MissScout, I'm sorry your ex put you through that and that you are still hurting. Its tough to put that kind of hurt behind you sometimes.
DeleteI am not still together with my wayward spouse. And it was not an easy decision after 17 years of marriage. In fact early on, it was not my decision at all. I fought like hell. But well, he's just never shown up, so to speak. Even now when he's sad and sorry, he's got no fight in him, isn't fighting for me as far as I can see. I deserve better.
Miss Scout, I know you still love and miss him, but you deserve better too. Better than a guy who was carrying on with another woman and keeping secrets. Its good you are keeping off social media and other things that keep you hooked in. My tough question for you is, what does hanging on to loving and grieving him do for you? What is it keeping you safe from? From being hurt again? What is it repeating from your past? You deserve to be free of this weight. Have you ever considered seeking therapy to help you let go of this hurtful relationship? You deserve to be with someone who is open and honest and values you for you and that starts with you doing those things for yourself.
Come back to vent anytime. Sending you strength and peace.
Still Standing, Thank you for this post and pearls of wisdom. I am still struggling on not looking for affirmation from H. Its so hard to remember that we are responsible for our happiness and not look to H (who did this to me) to make it all go away.. Maybe this is why I can't let go and truly forgive... Its a daily work in progress. We have had a LOT of setbacks the past 2 weeks. My anger and resentment are full fledged and ready to burst over anything he says or does (admittedly its usually unfounded on my end) .. My birthday is next week and I am dreading it. He was messaging OW on our anniversary last year while we were on our date (and with 4 kids we don't get alone time often) and so now I feel like every holiday has negativity wrapped all around it.. (found out about the emotional affair a few wks before Christmas..) I feel stuck in everything and now he is getting mad at me for sabotaging our marriage by attacking him verbally all the time and it just feels like he doesn't have any compassion on why I am lashing out all the time. I apologize afterward but he hates it when I bring up what happened. Thinks I am just making excuses to not "be wrong" in the situation. He thinks I am being unfair. And I suppose I am but at the same time, whatever hurt or anger he feels isn't even a tenth of what I feel on a daily basis. And its all his fault. But he doesn't care about that because that isn't what the conversation was about. BUT TO ME EVERYTHING is still about that. Everything. I just don't know how just BE anymore...I don't know who I am. I try to get out and do things for me but then I just feel like that will come back to bite me eventually..
ReplyDeleteTwins twice
DeleteI hear exactly what you are saying about his choices then continue to bring anger out which in turn always goes back to his wrong doing. My h and I still occasionally have similar meltdowns but they are less frequent and usually he can help me through without a totally out of control outburst from me. However, when he fails to recognize that his actions now are what contributed me losing control. When I feel misunderstood in regards to a trigger and he tries to minimize how I should be reacting, that in itself can cause me to rage. No I never have been this type of person and most of the time I'm not that person but his shitty choices have changed both of us and we continue to work our way through these rough days. My h has said that he feels like I can be angry about one thing and that dredges up the extra anger of his affair.? The last time this happened I told him that I agree that it dredged up His choices but that I have to feel validated by him being able to understand how those triggers are like reliving that very first day. He admitted that he gets triggered as well and his shame gets dredged back up. He would rather not discuss those feelings but when we discuss these issues when we're both calm, instead of pretending that there is no issue, I find that we move on to a better place. He's patient and kind most of the time but he's still a bit selfish when it comes to carving out his 'alone' time. Because I'm retired and he continues to work full time he feels like I get plenty of alone time and I should understand his need for his space. I'm trying but again, when I feel like my needs are not being met, I get a little triggered and if I'm put on the back burner so to speak, that trigger escalates. I'm still a work in progress. My h had to learn that it takes a long time to work through betrayal. It sounds like your h just wants to fast forward to happy ever after but hasn't quite realized how devastating this is for you. The first time I asked my h how he thought I would feel, he said that he thought it would make me mad. That was the understatement of the year! He wasn't prepared for the loss of appetite and the weight loss. He wasn't prepared for the hurt and sad eyes that he sees almost every day at some point. Even if my sad eyes are related to something else. I'm sure it's hard for your h as well. I'm sorry it takes so long to work through it all but if he's committed to it until death do us part then he has to understand that it takes as long as it takes and he will have to help you through with patience and love. Sending you hugs!
I am not sure if I mentioned this article to you but this hit home with both me and especially my husband. He was the one who brought it home and he still refers back to it. Masters of Love in the Atlantic. What stuck with my husband was the term "bids". And he did a lot of soul searching as to what a relationship should be and what love is. He came to me talking about how love is a verb. I tried to take a step back focus on me and give him some space to prove himself either way. And not like I said nothing or did not give my input. But really released some of what I thought was control which was all an illusion.
DeleteAs far as holidays and memories/triggers I struggle with this a lot. My husband is a huge believer in corrective emotional experiences. What we do is we talk about the holiday before it happens. I will say what I struggle with or what upsets me about that day. We talk about how we can change or improve it. We talk about if there is something different we can do or create a new tradition. I have found it takes a leap of faith for me but in the end it has worked out better than expected each holiday or milestone day now for over 2 1/2 years. For me it is that talking about it in advance. Otherwise I found I was creating either a negative scenario or unrealistic expectations in my mind. This way everything is out in the open and he knows where I stand. I have found he likes this better so he can help decrease the pain and understand where I am at any given point.
As far as how you are feeling overall what do you think would help that? Is there more to work through with your husband? This all takes a lot of time and is a roller coaster of a process. We have both come to the realization that this is not a daily topic but it is something still at this point we both think of daily and also that does affect decisions we make. For example if my husband wants to golf, go to dinner go out of town the conversation is still very detailed on who, what, where, when type of questions. He will ask me if I am 100% comfortable with what he is doing and what he can do to make sure I am okay. He said he wants to do that since when he is away he worries I am upset or in pain. It can feel like a total mess but getting to that point where we were working this out together was a critical shift for me/us. The feeling we are on the same team.
I just don't know how to communicate without exploding. I suggested setting aside time every week to talk about things and he thinks that dumb, that we should be able to talk whenever we feel the need. Which I get his point but I know that doesn't work for me because I tend to bottle everything up... I just feel like we are in totally different areas of this whole process. He wants to move on and be happy/normal and I just can't. He says he knows how I feel and understands I am still healing but that I can't keep bringing "it" up in the middle of an unrelated argument. I don't disagree but still can't seem to stop it.. It makes him feel like I hate him when he knows he didn't do anything in this moment to cause this reaction. And in the middle of today's argument, while I am attempting to apologize for being crazy, he mentions that although i believe he cheated, that all he did was talk to someone, its not like he slept with her or anything... OMG it was like my worst fear coming true. that he doesn't believe he cheated. That he was just talking to someone.. although I read the f'ing texts, and he stopped at her house and attempted to kiss her but she stopped it and all contact after. For all intents and purposes, he would've cheated had she not said, no you're married... I just want to throw up or throw in the towel...I have always been the strong one. 2 sets of twins, 22 mo apart and work full time, etc and I THRIVED under it. People tell me all the time "how do you do it all?" Plus charity work, church events etc.. Always being the GLUE for our family. and this, well this has ruined me... I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.. I keep telling H that I feel my break coming, that I am drowning.. but of course its during an "unrelated" argument so he looks at that as excuses even tho I know that its not. That its how I feel every single day... How do I make him see??? To him 10 mo feels like years and it literally feels like days. He is basically blaming me for how I feel, that I am purposely keeping everything in the forefront of my mind which is hindering the healing... Maybe he is right, but it isn't helping. Gee, thanks for pointing out how I am not doing what I should be when the choices YOU made put me here...
DeleteTwins Twice, I think that is a totally valid point that he needs to understand that you are at two different points in this process. I thought my husband had it all together and it hit him at around 1 year past dday. And I think that is common to think they did not cheat by doing what he did. My husband was the opposite he says there was no emotional affair only sexual and that it was sporadic and meant nothing. I mean you can see the silver lining in either way I guess but in the end even if my husband went to totally public lunches with a female colleague and did not tell me we would be having issues. He just happened to take it to the brink. And in the end I told my husband it does not matter what someone else has done or said it is how you made me feel. And yes it was hard but I said to him that we need to go over and over the same questions. One thing he always said was he felt like if he gave me answers it was a trap. He said no matter what he said it would be even more painful for me and it was all horrible. So I think for a long time that held him back. And I do think there is some truth in being careful with what you ask because based on some of the questions I kept asking I am not glad about the answers I got. They hang over me. I pushed and pushed for him to tell me why. For the longest time it was him telling me he was just selfish and it was available. Well after enough pushing he said he realized he should have never asked me to marry him and he was too young and then having kids pushed him over the edge. Keep in mind I feel conflicted about this not just for the information but I never once pushed or even asked about marriage and never pushed to have kids when we did. I am still not feeling this is valid. I had a career and was living in several states away happy with my life and glad when we got to see each other.
DeleteI guess all I can say is I would say let's try it my way for a couple weeks. In a non heated moment let him know how you honestly feel. This is such a huge injury and so hard to heal from. Also I would ask what are his suggestions and moving on as of today is not enough. When it comes down to it they need to do whatever we need to get better. My therapist said my husband lost all of his freedom when he made his bad choices. As I heard over and over from Elle take it one day at a time. Just do the basics each day and take care of yourself first. And one last thing my husband would not go to therapy since he is in the field but I went alone and it was so good for me. Maybe that would help you to have someone to work through this just for you. At first I was concerned but it was my husband's suggestion since I told no one. He felt like I had taken on the burden of all of this and he felt relieved since he told me. It was really great for me and I felt so supported by my therapist.