Hiraeth – Welsh; a longing for a place you’ve never been,
nostalgia for a place you can’t go back to.
It’s March. Here in the northern hemisphere, in the
temperate zone where I live, March is generally a crappy, moody month. Not
quite winter, not quite spring, it can’t make up its mind who it is or what it
wants. And all of us who live here just want it to be over. So done with
winter. So ready for change, for spring, for something not this. We are longing
for something to shift, to get to another place, for it to be warm, easy, to
feel the sun on our face and not have our feet freezing at the same time.
How much is this a metaphor for our journey post infidelity?
For me, timing wise, it is the exact same journey, both close up and zoomed
out. Starting with January 1. Just survive these cold bleak months. We bless
February for being so short. But March, well, it marches. We want to jump straight
to warm May breezes but still March marches. And, I recognize, so should I. It’s
the only month that comes with instructions. March: keep marching. Keep putting
one foot in front of the other. You will, eventually, get somewhere else. Just
keep going.
When you are recovering from infidelity, March is the
middle, the long stretch of “meh” that you can’t skip. The only way out of March
is through. The only way out of the middle is through. But while you are there,
it seems so long. It leaves you kind of restless. Will I always feel this way?
Why do I feel so numb sometimes? What is it that I am missing? Why, when I
think about moving forward does my mind take me back to what is lost? Which
brings us back to the middle. March on.
Long ago my mother taught me the Welsh word hiraeth, which
she told me means a longing, a nostalgia for places you’ve never been. It’s a
deep soul feeling, and I recognized it in the pull I felt to Scotland, a place
I miss, though I have never been. More recently, it came up in my meditation
practice, where it was framed a little differently. It was defined as a place
you can’t go back to. As those words hit my ears, tears came to my eyes. I recognized
in the deep restlessness of March that I am feeling right now is the vague
but persistent discomfort that something is missing, that some old feeling, I
can’t quite call up, should be here.
Hiraeth, for me, right now, is about grieving the past. The
past is both a place that never existed (at least to my post-infidelity self,
what I thought was true and real, perhaps wasn’t) and a place I can’t go back
to. And today, I am allowing myself to grieve this.
Perhaps that’s what the long slow March is for; to take the
time to grieve what is being left behind, so we can let it go, make space for the
present and for what is to come. “Life is an exercise of constant change… Open
to the present as best you can and step forward.” – Tamara Levitt
I love this post. I've learned in my "spiritual awakening" how to grieve for what I lost but. to be thankful for what is to come. The past can't hurt me anymore. To be present in the now. Spring is a fresh start for everyone just like every new day is. What died last year during the fall and winter is to be reborn this year in the spring. I recently read a book that Oprah Winfrey wrote a few years ago called "What I Know For Sure". This book has changed me even more. It was a long haul for me to except what had happened. I have become more spiritual and grounded by dealing with pain I never imagined. Granted I still have bad days but I don't dwell there anymore. I thing all of us who have gone through this will blossom like the buds on the trees in their own time. Having grown up in Central New York I truly understand marching through March and how unpredictable it can be. Living in the desert in New Mexico I've learned how to march through March in different way.
ReplyDelete"blossom like buds on a tree". What a beautiful image.
DeleteIt has been 16 months since I read that my husband told another woman that he loved her. They are no longer in contact, but I am still struggling to figure out how to be in love with him. He says that he is now a new man who won't be bullied and is done with cheating and that I should just get over it. But how do you reconcile losing a love you never had (he couldn't have been in love with me if he was willing to discount me and my feelings and our relationship) and also not being in love with this "new him"? I feel stuck in that longing for something I never knew....so I keep marching forward hoping to find my own "new" with him; despite the threats to "sh*t or get off".
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI think sometimes we hold this idea that it's impossible to love two people simultaneously, or that we never ever hurt someone we love. That there's only one soulmate for each of us. We grow up believing this and we live in a culture that supports this. But I think it's simply untrue.
I don't know if your husband was truly in love with the OW or if, like so many of these guys, he was in love with who he thought he was with her. Someone exciting, interesting, sexy, risk-taking. A lot of men fall in love the the image of themselves they see in the OW's eyes. The OW herself matters less than who he thinks he's become. Affairs are about fantasy. They are usually about escape. Escaping a life that feels stale, or a self that is disappointing.
But I would urge you to try and talk to your husband about this. Has he sought therapy to try and understand himself why he risked his marriage. Does he know how he allowed himself to cross so many lines? What did "I love you" to the OW mean for him. Was it a way of keeping her in the relationship? Was it said impulsively? Was he, again like so many of these guys, caught up in something that felt almost separate from the "real" world?
It might help to have these conversations, assuming your husband has insight and can articulate what he was thinking. Assuming too, he's sensitive to how painful it is for you to hear about it.
But here's the other thing, Anonymous. You might be longing for someone that he simply can't be. Or for a marriage that is impossible because he's not what you need. I don't know. That's for you to decide.
But something else: 16 months isn't so long. I know it feels like a long time but I could barely stand to be in the same room as my husband at 16 months. I had to watch him become a better person, I had to see him wrestle with his own demons and transform himself. I had to respect him again before I could love him.
Anon, I agree with Elle on everything she said. For us it has taken a while but what I came to realize is my husband never thought twice about me when he cheated. It did affect him and our relationship. But through listening to him I do think he cheated and betrayed himself first and foremost. He knew it was wrong but in the end he never loved these ow, never wanted to leave me etc. But he was selfish, insecure and made horrible decisions. He has admitted he knew before he did it that it was wrong. It took a while for me to get to this point of thinking. We did a lot of things to get to this point both individually and together.
DeleteI'm in your shoes.. 5 years later. Sorry to burst your bubble Anonymous - Not sure one can truly "get over it" To this dayb (in fact a few minutes ago) hubby and I had a fight about it. He reminded how he 'sacrificed' a life and a relationship to be with me and our kids .. he told me he wakes up everyday thinking about how he damaged 2 children's lives (hers) by coming home. I'm still haunted by the graphic pics.. their intimate conversations.. and more when he mistakenly gives away snippets of a life he regrets giving up for me and our kids .. who he says stresses him out. I don't know what's worse.. being the mistress or the wife.. seems to me she's won again.
DeleteHey ANON 3/27, sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I've been thinking about your post. And I keep coming back to this question from Esther Perel "where did you learn to survive on crumbs?" Why is it OK for him to throw his so called "loss" in your face? This sounds like he is victim blaming and pushing this back on you. This feels like gas lighting to me. Have you to been to therapy together? Individually? Because he sure sounds like he needs some help to sort out why he was able to do what he did and stop dwelling in the fantasy of what he left behind. More importantly, what has he done to deserve this second chance with you? What are your terms? You do get some say and you don't have to put up with him throwing HIS choice to come home in your face. That is so problematic and very co-dependent. Please, if you haven't already, find yourself a therapist who can help you work through some of this, the pain and trauma you are still experiencing and most importantly, why you are tolerating being treated like this. It doesn't sound like he is working too hard to deserve this life with you. I know it is so hard and so scary when you are in it, but if he is not working through his stuff and you are still haunted, why are you there? I'm not advocating leaving as a solution. I am very pro marriage and shake my pompoms every time someone on here gets a breakthrough. But sometimes these folks who cheat, don't deserve the second chances they are offered. So I am asking, is this situation good for you? If not, what needs to change? Just some food for thought.
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