So i found out my husband of 14 years has been cheating on me for years. He said he is a sex addict that he loves me and wants our family.and it was only sex it meant nothing. He wants to get help.my mind is going in 10 diffrent directions i honestly have no idea what to do. One part of me hates him. I mean i lool at him and dont know who this man is. Then there is another part that says run and never look back.i can understand those to feeling but the crazies feel is for him to hold me tell me it will be ok. How can i feel like this its not normal how could i want this man that just destroyed me destroyed our family. We have 3 children one is only 2 weeks old. I dont know what to do am i lossing my mind.. help
Oh my, Unknown. We have all been in your shoes one way or another. with the same confusing feelings..though having a 2 week old baby at the same time... I wish I could give you a hug. Take care of yourself and that baby first. You are in a very vulnerable place so your care and healing need to come first. If he can't help you, get some help if you can. Do you have help to you look after yourself and the children? Are you eating? sleeping? It will take time to know what to do next. When I was losing my mind I just willed myself to believe that I will get through this, no matter what. Even if it feels like you are in a hole you will never get out of, you will one day. Remind yourself of that, no matter what. Slowly, bit by bit, you will find your way. Start there. There will be much work for you so gather and save your strength right now.
My dearest unknown. I'm sorry you found us but you have found a group of people that know just how you feel and can help you find your way. I'm a little over 2 years out from D-Day 1 and I'm still here with him working on our relationship, working on myself. Everything you feel is "normal" with the shock of finding out that there is a dark side to your husband and the devastating effect of this knowledge and his betrayal. I would ask that right now you focus on you and spend some time reading the many posts on this blog to gain the knowledge that you are not losing your mind. Educating myself in the beginning was a huge help for me because I learned that everything I felt was part of this craziness. Fear, hating him, wondering what I did wrong, what am I going to do next...etc. It's a long list but it's all part of the process. A horrible situation we never asked for nor deserve, but you will survive. I promise. Not only will you survive, you will become a stronger woman. Stronger than you ever imagined. Seek counseling for yourself if it's an option. Know that you are not alone. Sending many comforting hugs to you. ♥
Unknown, I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. I know it exactly. I had three young kids (my youngest was four) when I discovered my husband had been cheating. Six months later, he confessed sex addiction. You are not only dealing with this bombshell, you're already dealing with a baby! Your third!! That's exhausting in itself. So...what I want you to do is give yourself time to absorb all this and to focus exclusively on you. Your health, your rest, your new baby and his/her siblings. Of course, your mind will be reeling but, as best you can, put all that aside and do your best to just be in this moment now. But...set guidelines for your husband. He wants his marriage? Then he needs to RIGHT NOW find himself therapy, preferably with a CSAT or therapist quite familiar with sex addiction. He needs to RIGHT NOW find himself a 12-step recovery group and a sponsor where he will be held accountable for his behaviour and have support as he confronts why he was acting out sexually. The good news is that you will get through this. The bad news is that it takes a long time and a lot of healing. The better news is that if your husband does the hard work of confronting his own demons and you work your own healing, your marriage can be richer and deeper. While he's doing his work, please find yourself a therapist who can help you process the betrayal. And do whatever it takes for you to have time to take care of yourself. Hire a sitter. Trade favours with a friend. Whatever it takes for you to ensure that you're getting the rest you need, that you're eating well and that you are getting exercise/fresh air. I promise you that you will get through this. I remember the shock I felt, the disgust I felt, the fear I felt. It's devastating. So...moment by moment. Breathe. Self-care. Focus on your three beautiful kids. And let your husband do the work of his own recovery. That's non-negotiable. He either does the work...or there's no marriage. And Unknown, I hope you'll continue to post here. The women, as you likely noticed from the other replies, are incredible. Compassionate and kind and smart. And they know what you're going through. Continue to read here and share when you want. You're safe here, among friends.
Unknown Oh my...a two week old and dealing with the pain! I only know what I felt during those early days weeks months and I was one messed up old woman for a long time! You have to stop and breathe just breathe...and take gentle care of your self and your newborn baby! Your h will have to take care of his problems! I’m so so sorry for what I know you are feeling... it hurts but with time and the work your h will have to do, it gets different...I hesitated to say better because it can take a long time for it to feel better! It happens when your h truly commits to a healthy relationship...lots of work on his part...Find a good therapist! One that is experienced with infidelity and the fact that you are also very hormonal from the recent birth...deep breath! You can do this and these strong women you will meet here will help you! One day at a time! Hugs!
Unknown My heart is aching for you. My youngest baby was 4 months old when I found my husband having an affair, so I understand the pain you are going through. I reiterate all Elle and other have said. It is an extremely scary time having to deal with little kids, a new born and your husbands betrayal and not knowing what the future will look like, so just as it is often said here, take one day at a time. My husband was not willing to really do the work to understand why he is such an ass and cheated - hence, years later he has now left after other betrayals. This site is a life line and if I had discovered this years ago, I would have tried other ways for my husband to sort through his problems, like the 12 step program and having a sponsor. You have so much going on, you need others to help him work on him. I know you will feel all uncertainty in your mind, it will feel all crazy with worry etc, so just focus on yourself and your kids. If your husband is sincere in his healing of his wrong doings, his actions by seeking treatment, sticking at it, respecting your boundaries and helping with the children, being considerate to you, will start to show you perhaps he is willing to change. If you are financially secure, that's good. If not, I suggest you start to quietly stash away some money. I was not able to do it, and have now been left pretty much broke. I don't want to alarm you, but these are facts, and I wish someone would have given me some tips years ago. Thinking of you and sending hugs Gabby xo
Amen!!!
ReplyDeleteSo i found out my husband of 14 years has been cheating on me for years. He said he is a sex addict that he loves me and wants our family.and it was only sex it meant nothing. He wants to get help.my mind is going in 10 diffrent directions i honestly have no idea what to do. One part of me hates him. I mean i lool at him and dont know who this man is. Then there is another part that says run and never look back.i can understand those to feeling but the crazies feel is for him to hold me tell me it will be ok. How can i feel like this its not normal how could i want this man that just destroyed me destroyed our family. We have 3 children one is only 2 weeks old. I dont know what to do am i lossing my mind.. help
ReplyDeleteOh my, Unknown. We have all been in your shoes one way or another. with the same confusing feelings..though having a 2 week old baby at the same time... I wish I could give you a hug. Take care of yourself and that baby first. You are in a very vulnerable place so your care and healing need to come first. If he can't help you, get some help if you can. Do you have help to you look after yourself and the children? Are you eating? sleeping? It will take time to know what to do next. When I was losing my mind I just willed myself to believe that I will get through this, no matter what. Even if it feels like you are in a hole you will never get out of, you will one day. Remind yourself of that, no matter what. Slowly, bit by bit, you will find your way. Start there. There will be much work for you so gather and save your strength right now.
DeleteMy dearest unknown. I'm sorry you found us but you have found a group of people that know just how you feel and can help you find your way. I'm a little over 2 years out from D-Day 1 and I'm still here with him working on our relationship, working on myself. Everything you feel is "normal" with the shock of finding out that there is a dark side to your husband and the devastating effect of this knowledge and his betrayal. I would ask that right now you focus on you and spend some time reading the many posts on this blog to gain the knowledge that you are not losing your mind. Educating myself in the beginning was a huge help for me because I learned that everything I felt was part of this craziness. Fear, hating him, wondering what I did wrong, what am I going to do next...etc. It's a long list but it's all part of the process. A horrible situation we never asked for nor deserve, but you will survive. I promise. Not only will you survive, you will become a stronger woman. Stronger than you ever imagined. Seek counseling for yourself if it's an option. Know that you are not alone. Sending many comforting hugs to you. ♥
DeleteUnknown,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for what you're going through. I know it exactly. I had three young kids (my youngest was four) when I discovered my husband had been cheating. Six months later, he confessed sex addiction.
You are not only dealing with this bombshell, you're already dealing with a baby! Your third!! That's exhausting in itself.
So...what I want you to do is give yourself time to absorb all this and to focus exclusively on you. Your health, your rest, your new baby and his/her siblings. Of course, your mind will be reeling but, as best you can, put all that aside and do your best to just be in this moment now.
But...set guidelines for your husband. He wants his marriage? Then he needs to RIGHT NOW find himself therapy, preferably with a CSAT or therapist quite familiar with sex addiction. He needs to RIGHT NOW find himself a 12-step recovery group and a sponsor where he will be held accountable for his behaviour and have support as he confronts why he was acting out sexually.
The good news is that you will get through this. The bad news is that it takes a long time and a lot of healing. The better news is that if your husband does the hard work of confronting his own demons and you work your own healing, your marriage can be richer and deeper.
While he's doing his work, please find yourself a therapist who can help you process the betrayal. And do whatever it takes for you to have time to take care of yourself. Hire a sitter. Trade favours with a friend. Whatever it takes for you to ensure that you're getting the rest you need, that you're eating well and that you are getting exercise/fresh air.
I promise you that you will get through this. I remember the shock I felt, the disgust I felt, the fear I felt. It's devastating. So...moment by moment. Breathe. Self-care. Focus on your three beautiful kids. And let your husband do the work of his own recovery. That's non-negotiable. He either does the work...or there's no marriage.
And Unknown, I hope you'll continue to post here. The women, as you likely noticed from the other replies, are incredible. Compassionate and kind and smart. And they know what you're going through. Continue to read here and share when you want. You're safe here, among friends.
Unknown
DeleteOh my...a two week old and dealing with the pain! I only know what I felt during those early days weeks months and I was one messed up old woman for a long time! You have to stop and breathe just breathe...and take gentle care of your self and your newborn baby! Your h will have to take care of his problems! I’m so so sorry for what I know you are feeling... it hurts but with time and the work your h will have to do, it gets different...I hesitated to say better because it can take a long time for it to feel better! It happens when your h truly commits to a healthy relationship...lots of work on his part...Find a good therapist! One that is experienced with infidelity and the fact that you are also very hormonal from the recent birth...deep breath! You can do this and these strong women you will meet here will help you! One day at a time! Hugs!
Unknown
DeleteMy heart is aching for you. My youngest baby was 4 months old when I found my husband having an affair, so I understand the pain you are going through.
I reiterate all Elle and other have said.
It is an extremely scary time having to deal with little kids, a new born and your husbands betrayal and not knowing what the future will look like, so just as it is often said here, take one day at a time.
My husband was not willing to really do the work to understand why he is such an ass and cheated - hence, years later he has now left after other betrayals. This site is a life line and if I had discovered this years ago, I would have tried other ways for my husband to sort through his problems, like the 12 step program and having a sponsor. You have so much going on, you need others to help him work on him.
I know you will feel all uncertainty in your mind, it will feel all crazy with worry etc, so just focus on yourself and your kids. If your husband is sincere in his healing of his wrong doings, his actions by seeking treatment, sticking at it, respecting your boundaries and helping with the children, being considerate to you, will start to show you perhaps he is willing to change. If you are financially secure, that's good. If not, I suggest you start to quietly stash away some money. I was not able to do it, and have now been left pretty much broke. I don't want to alarm you, but these are facts, and I wish someone would have given me some tips years ago.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Gabby xo