A Twitter conversation made reference to an impact letter (credit goes to Vicki Tidwell Palmer). It's a sort of betrayed partner's version of a victim impact statement given in court, so that judge and/or jury can not only hear how the defendant's actions caused pain and suffering but also to help determine the sentence.
We aren't anticipating handcuffs and a cell (though we can dream!) but it's an interesting concept for us.
And I think it can help us in a few ways. For one, it can make it really clear to us just why healing from infidelity is so difficult. Writing down the many ways betrayal has changed our lives – from difficulty watching a television show that we used to love (if it features any sort of infidelity) to trouble sleeping – makes clear that, of course, we're struggling. Of course, this is taking longer than we ever thought.
What's more, written honestly and without intention to inflict pain but rather catalogue it, an impact statement can help our husband's understand just how devastating betrayal is. There will be those, of course, who minimize our pain, including brushing aside our "impact statement" as drama or manipulation. (Which should make clear that this guy just doesn't get it.) But for those who genuinely want to make amends, to understand why he made such a choice and how he can help support you, a thoughtful, candid impact statement can lay bare your heart.
And finally, as you heal (and you will, I promise!), you can revisit your letter and make note of the ways in which things are better. Maybe you cry less. Maybe you can drive past certain locations without your heart pounding and your stomach in knots.
I recently suggested we each write our own manifesto – our intentions regarding the life we are creating. While a manifesto is about looking around and looking forward, an impact statement is about looking past, however briefly, to assess the damage.
We need to acknowledge and understand the damage before we can begin to repair it.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This is a great idea but I can also see the OW writing one of her own. How we, as the victim in this, caused her pain and suffering. How we weren't there for our h's, how we are cold, etc etc. Who would the jury listen to, us or her. The impact on him if he does the work, like my h has and what that fall out would do to not only us but our husbands and the work we all put into restoring our marriages. Just a thought...
ReplyDeleteLikely true but that's for them, not us. This is for us, to do an accounting of the cost of betrayal in our lives. And to point the way out.
DeleteI guess what I was thinking was, The OW in our life is a narcissist and had already tried to make me look bad with the help of her friends. Anything I did or had she had to copy me. Including my car and cake I made for my h for father's day. My h knows what damage he did to me and he still tries to help me 3 years out. The damage that the OW and her friends did was far more consuming and destructive to me and to my family. I guessing this is why I feel the way I do.
DeleteThis is interesting. I still feel that my H can't fully grasp his impact on me. Since my "manifesto" was to not weaponize my pain, I have been careful with my words all along. I have said what needed to be said, but I don't go on and on. I haven't omitted conversations, but I haven't beaten him over the head with my pain in other words. I'm not sure he grasps how many times a day I still think of it because of this approach. For example, tonight he's on a work trip. His flights are crazy delayed. He asked me to call and get a bottle of wine delivered to his room with some glasses since he will get in after the bar closes and he'd like a drink to wind down. Dead silence on my end until I could form the words that I was concerned that I might be buying drinks for himself and someone else who would be in his hotel room (glasses, plural?). He was surprised. He said 1 glass was fine, but he's traveling with 5 other people (he's a pilot and will have a crew he hasn't met yet). His plan was to take the bottle to the lobby and toast their bad day... then go to his room (alone) and call me. If he understood the impact his actions have had on me, he would have seen my concerns coming when he asked for "wine and glasses" in his room. I don't want him walking on eggshells, but I do think a time may come when he needs to know what I live with every day even now. Not so he'll feel worse (he's felt bad enough already), but so he will know ME better. By saying what my fears are and calling him (myself?) out in these situations, I'm hoping he gets a clearer picture. I hate being vulnerable, but I'm getting better at it.
ReplyDeleteann, I cannot totally relate since my husband does not travel for work. But I can empathize. I know that feeling when they say something so carefree and it hits you like a brick wall. I always wonder how they cannot get it. My husband would have probably said that is why he was asking me to order it and include me. My husband cheated on me while on guys trips or guys nights out only. So when he goes on guys trips or goes out with the guys even when everything is above board and planned out it is still hard for me. And I honestly do not think he is doing anything at all on an intellectual level. But it tugs at my heart. My husband never was with the ow when he was sober. That is a huge issue for me too. He has pulled way back but we have still had blips. One night was really bad. Nothing involving women at all. But I did have to say to him that not cheating on me and not doing anything related to women is not enough. I do not want to be married to someone that drinks too much even if it is 1-2 times a year. I would rather be alone.
DeleteI think it takes these guys a lot of insight to figure out how to navigate this. It is so hard. My husband is pretty in touch with his feelings and how to express them due to his work but he said his friends would never express themselves in the way he does with me. And also what he sees at work. It is rare. He said the most rewarding this is working with husbands that want to repair their marriage since he feels like he can help them to a different level. He does not disclose of course since that would be unprofessional but he wonders if they think how does he know exactly how I feel and what to do.
ann,
DeleteI'm not sure some guys will ever really get it. Our betrayal -- and the post-trauma it creates -- is just not their experience. Even those who really acknowledge how deep the wound goes (like my husband) can be thoughtless at times. As long as you can point out to him, as you did, the impact of his words/actions, then that's a good thing. A better response on his end would be to acknowledge your pain, acknowledge the role he played in you feeling that way and then simply saying, "I'm so sorry." No defensiveness. No excuses. No explanation. Just..."It sounds as though you're feeling afraid/nervous/whatever right now and I know my former actions are the reason. I am so sorry. I will never do that to you again."
I wrote an impact statement for my husband and one for the OW just last month. I was very sure to be clear, honest and thorough. I wanted to be sure I had strictly spoke of my own feelings and how this affected me. No name calling, just sincerity. My husband was gutted but appreciated the on-site. The OW never responded but that doesn't matter. It was good for me and felt like a turning point in my healing.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting idea. I do feel that after almost 4 years my husband “gets” the impact of his actions. Maybe not in every single trigger, but in the bigger issues, he “gets” it. I wonder, though, if writing it down would help me to get it out and perhaps allow me to move past some of the things that still linger.
DeleteI’ve written many letters to the OW, none of which were ever sent. While I never thought of them as impact statements, many of them addressed the damage I feel like she never had to see. I also recognize that my full intent in all those unsent letters was to hurt her in retaliation for the ways she hurt me. Another reason why it was best not to send them. I do find that without any significant closure in regard to her, I still harbor a lot of anger even after all this time.
LandofWOZ,
DeleteThat's really the main point -- to help you heal. Interesting that it felt like a turning point. I'd be curious to hear more about that.
And yes, Dandelion, I think writing to the OW can be quite cathartic. And I wouldn't send them. This isn't about opening a can of worms, it's just about exorcising all that toxic energy we hold in the form of hate and fury. Most of us do want to hurt the Other Woman, which is understandable but can create a whole bunch of new problems. Better to cut her out like cancer.
Elle,
DeleteIn writing down every detail of how this affected me, from Dday on, how much pain and why, how I am changed, et cetera, I finally felt like there was nothing unsaid that he needed to know. It changed my focus from needing him to see what he has done to me, to me feeling safer to work on healing. For me, I had to be sure he understood the full impact of what he had done before I could trust him to truly commit to the work ahead for us and focus on myself. I know I can't control him and that was terrifying. The letter gave me a tool to help myself feel like I had done what I could to make him aware and the rest was up to him.
Brava to you, LandofWOZ. Thank-you for sharing that with all of us.
DeleteSo I am still in awe of the post by Steam that is linked to this post. Perhaps you might consider reposting Steam's post for current comments? Although I deleted all my journals and files related to my situation I may just keep her post marked somewhere because it is profound. Thanks Steam. You rock!
ReplyDeleteHi beachgirl! I can’t see the link. Which was it? Was it about the movie to watch and the photo to keep in your back pocket? I’m dying to know what made such an impact! Thank you for the nice words
DeleteI looked for it too and am unsure what Beach Girl is referring to. Please enlighten us, Beach Girl.
DeleteElle, I took your advice and talked to him about the character flaws about which I do not like. He admitted nothing just sat in silence but I could see some small tears in his right eye. I told him that he keeps promises to himself just not other people. I'm the opposite, I break promises to myself but keep promises I make to other people. I told him in one hand I hold the man who deserves a second chance. In the other hand I hold, I will never accept an affair because I was raised in affair drama. He said, he never makes those states to himself because we never know what happens in the future.
ReplyDeleteH'mmm...we never know "what happens"?Well, we kinda do if we can control "what happens". Sounds like he was being a bit defensive.
DeleteHas he said anything in the day or two since that conversation?
I did not think of it as a manifesto but really it was. Dday two for me was five months after dday one. It was brutal and way worse than dday two. Nothing dramatic came out of it. Basically my husband minimized his two affairs. He portrayed them to be much shorter. And he left out some details he was embarrassed by. Interestingly enough not sexual details at all but one major one was alcohol related. I was totally lost and a mess. I could not form words anymore that seemed to make sense. I had worked so hard to process anything during the previous five months. Then when that all hit me it was really hard. I will never forget when he opened up and told me everything I could not stop shaking. The next day I remember saying to him his biggest fear was that he had done too wrong and we could not repair our marriage. At the time I could care less. Now I can see he was trying to protect me from that trauma and also spare himself. Once he admitted it he had to face it.
ReplyDeleteAfter that I wrote him a letter. I was very specific about my feelings, expectations, everything. The one like that stuck and it is a little cheesy is "I would rather be slapped with the truth than kissed by a lie". That night he knew from that point forward he better be 100% transparent since I could not make it through another go round of trickle truth and another dday. I made it clear that this was it. He got it. It all sunk in.
Brava to you, Hopeful30. Sounds like you managed to articulate your pain and that he was able to hear it.
DeleteI love the idea of both a manifesto and an impact statement! Those show others our feelings are concrete and not vague, sad mumblings.
ReplyDeleteSomething I have been wanting to ask everyone but am hesitant because it is embarrassing. I want to know about the different stages of your love life after infidelity. I have gone through hysterical bonding, not wanting him to touch me at all and now I am just indifferent. I am two years from D-day one and had about 7 more as he trickled out the truth even in November 2018. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at myself that I haven't been able to have an orgasm since I found out and the only reason I want to make love is to be close. I feel like my sexuality has disappeared forever. Do you ever get it back? Do you ever love your H like you did before the infidelity? I hope this isn't too much information. I really want to know.
LilyLove, I think what you are feeling is normal. Often after they hysterical bonding wears off, we're just left feeling empty. I think the stages will vary widley from person to person. A lot depends on your own prior experiences and comfort with sex and talking about it, other past trauma etc. Indifferent, could just mean that you are emotionally exhausted form al this and maybe not getting your cup filled enough to feel open to sex. The other thing is it could be defensive. As in your brain does not want to be vulnerable that way and is just shut down. It could be along those same lines, about not being in touch with your body. When was the last time you did something sensual for yourself, (like soak in a hot bath and or linger over a cup of tea, feel the soft warmth of snuggling with a pet and savor that experience?) I am going to go out on a limb and say , yes, your sexuality will come back. Maybe you need this rest right now. Maybe the fact that you are thinking about it means you are ready to dig into whatever this is telling you. Also, there's a page just for sex and intimacy after betrayal where you can talk a little more frankly without worrying about triggers for other readers. xoxo
DeleteLilyLove
DeleteYes, I think it's "normal" too and, from some of what you've posted, it sounds as though your husband hasn't been as remorseful or fully responsible for the pain he's caused as you'd like. Intimacy -- true intimacy -- comes from feeling emotionally and physically safe in the relationship. I'm wondering whether you have that.
Also...damn our bodies, but they change, especially in our 40s/50s. Sometimes we need a little help. Lubricants. Slower sex. Different positions. But see if you can discern whether it's an emotional thing or a physical one, or, perhaps, a bit of both. And please don't hesitate to post about stuff like this. If not here then...where?
Hi LilyLove.
ReplyDeleteI have not posted here for some time, but was wondering why I still go 'pain shopping'. So here I am again with a community among which I feel very much at home.
My husband's affair lasted 9 years. I can hear you sharp intake of breath through my computer. I am now 4 years, 5 months and 7 days out from DDay although the trickle truth happened for many months following the revelation of a stream of text messages and naked photos that came to me through the 'messages' feature on a new computer, and confirmed everything I really already knew. We have remained together, but sometimes, even now, I feel it would have been better if I had left. His affair partner is married and her husband does not know of her affair. As far as I know, she is still married to him and they are very happy together.
To me, the desolation and anxiety of the loss of my identity, and the destruction of my reality were the hardest things to bear. Like you, I have been through the hysterical bonding stage and the 'stay away from me' stage and the 'indifferent' stage. Without a solid identity and a clear reality, of which my sex life was a huge part, these shifts should have come as no surprise - and yet they did.
When you inhabit such a lonely place, it take time to restore what is so basic to us as human beings.
It is only now that our sex life is beginning to return to normal, though there are still times when I know the OW has 'been here' and in the middle of sex, it is pain, not pleasure that shivers through me. Things have changed. I still cannot kiss him passionately (I mean a big, long, snog.) For a long time oral sex was off the table and when it was back on, I told my husband it was only possible if he were totally quiet throughout - sounds stupid, but I did not want to hear what the OW had heard from him when she fellated him.
I am healing, though there are many triggers. It was this site that sustained me when I thought I should be 'better' within 2 years. It takes as long as it takes, and at times, I still find myself in that desolate place. Now, though, the pain is not as constant, there are times of peace - this is something I did not think was ever going to be possible again. I had to rebuild myself and am not the same person as I was. This took me to my edge. Now, I am more of a realist, more compassionate, but at the same time more cynical. Forgiveness was always a problem for me and I would simply wipe people from my life if I felt they had wronged me. Then it came knocking in the form of the affair. There is no roadmap for this, but you are not alone. There are so many of us and we are stronger together when we admit 'me too' and realise that vulnerability is in fact courage under fire!
I wish you much love.
Marti xx
Marti,
DeleteThank you so much for this post. Sometimes you read something and it just hits home. Your message was the “me too” I needed to hear today.
I’m at almost 4 years. My husband’s affair partner was also married, and, despite an indication of potential divorce, has remained with her husband. Whether he knows of the affair or not, I do not know.
I find myself frustrated with not being completely ok at this point so your reminder that there is no roadmap for this helped.
Hugs! ❤️
Marti,
DeleteVulnerability is courage under fire. That is so true.
And I'm sorry for all that you've gone through. No judgement from this wife, whose husband cheated for her entire relationship with him.
It took me a good five years to feel as though this was truly behind me. Like you and Dandelion, I could see progress. But there was still this cloud that hung over on many days.
By five years, I felt like I'd rebuilt myself. I'd kept the parts that worked, tossed those that didn't. I'd become more compassionate, had clearer boundaries, and though I wouldn't have called myself cynical, I'm definitely less naive. When someone shows me who he/she is, I don't convince myself otherwise.
When your'e feeling frustrated that you're not where you want to be, it can help to take inventory of where you are and how far you've come. My guess is you're a lot further along than you realize.
Ten months from DDay, I am still struggling...mightily. I am certain the two women he cheated with are gone from his life, but I am still hypervigilant. I cannot stop driving by one of their houses since it is so close to me. It's like I am inexorably pulled into that area...just to make sure, you know, even though I know I can only control myself now (and obviously, not even that), and I could never control him and won't ever be able to, and that wasn't the problem anyway. The triggers abound, the anger floods in. Sometimes I tell him, but even though he is remorseful, he still says, "I just want to move on." He is tired of long conversations, tired of seeing me cry, tired of what he calls my "whining", tired of the subject of these two women who he says are in his past. He says, "It's over. I am here with you", and I don't even know if I want him or not, because he is not the same person he was and neither am I. I'm not sure he will ever truly get the depth of my hurt. I want his love and attention for the full ten months that I was denied it, and then, maybe then I will feel the score is evened. He had a lot of fun with two affairs and now he gets a nice life with me? And all I have had is hell. It seems SO unfair, but then, I know life is not fair. I get so frustrated at times that I just want him and those two women out of my life forever, just wrap that time up in a box and put a bow on it and walk away. Even his affection to me is a trigger. I never had closure with them; never laid eyes on one, and had a meeting with the other one where she lied to me. He and I went out to hear a band the other night and he stood behind me and nuzzled my neck in what I am sure was a sincere move, but all I could think about was that I would bet my life that he did the same thing to another woman last year. Anyway, I have decided this week to write a list of all the things I have lost through this and let him read it, not to make him feel bad but to try to help him understand. I am not sure he will take it to heart, and maybe it will only help me gain clarity to put it out on paper and look at it. Right now, he seems more invested in clinging to his guilt than in feeling my pain. What a very long and difficult and painful road this is. I am trying. Thank you all for being here in real time for me, and bless you all on your journeys.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteTen months likely feels like an eternity for both of you but it's when healing sometimes has barely started. And though I'm glad he's remorseful, wanting to "move on" is simply unrealistic and indicates that he doesn't really get how life-changing betrayal is for partners. It changes how we see the world. Would he want you to be moving on if you'd been dealing with cancer? Or a horrific car accident? Betrayal is trauma. That's where the hyper-vigilance comes in. That's where this state of fear comes in. You're trying to control things you can't control. The world feels unsafe. The person you thought you could trust showed that he couldn't be.
If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you both to find someone either as a couple or individually. Make sure this therapist understands infidelity and the post-trauma that so many betrayed partners experience.
And, as best you can, don't drive past the OW's house. That's only feeling the post-trauma. It's keeping the affair top of mind. I know it's hard. But when you feel the urge to do so, do something that reminds you that it never appeases your fear, it never changes anything. It only hurts you more. Snap an elastic on your wrist. Reward yourself when you don't do it. Slowly, you'll break the habit.
I'm going to attach a link to a letter that I wrote to husbands so that why might begin to understand the impact of their cheating. You can either share it with your husband or not. It's also included in my book, which I link to at the top of this site.
Hang in there. This really does get better.
https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html
Actually, I WAS dealing with cancer when he had these affairs, breast cancer AND a broken wrist, and he was very inattentive but very attentive to one of these women who had fallen when drunk and had a traumatic brain injury, a women he had just met. And yes, I am going back into therapy, and I am sure he won't engage in therapy as he has been running from tragedies in his past and doesn't ever intend to engage in therapy or introspection. Thank you for the letter. Tonight I think the only thing he will understand is six months of separation from me where he can figure out what he wants, and I can figure out what I want. So far, he has failed to meet me even halfway in this journey. Thank you very much for your input.
ReplyDeleteCary,
DeleteIt sounds as though separation is the best thing for you. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through -- and that you had to go through it alone. I hope you're cancer-free. For now, I think taking time to simply focus on you and your own healing is the healthiest thing for you. If he can't even meet you half-way, then it's time to move forward without him. At least for now.
I haven't written my impact statement. But, I would like to share something and this seems like the best place. Since DD1 about 15 months ago, my SA has struggled with believing two notions. One, that he is selfish. And two, that his behavior/choices have any impact on our kids. (I guess it goes without saying that if he can't see these two basic parts, he is far from getting to his deeper issues.) Last month, my SA chose to spend Valentine's Day at a hockey game and at bedtime my daughter started talking about an assignment she had done in school that day. I think this is sort of an IMPACT statement. This is about the IMPACT of all of this on a child. She is eleven years old.
ReplyDelete--------------
Devices of Poetry using the word “Love”
Personification - Love is dangerous. It can stab you in the back.
Alliteration - Love lies and lets you down in life.
Simile - Love is like a cloud of darkness, following you, burdening you.
Metaphor - Love is a child blindly wandering into a dark forest.
Rhyme - Love is a beacon,
a call.
But, love can commit treason
And all shall fall.
--------------
I didn't sleep that night. (It wasn't until days later that she actually connected it to him out loud,,,but I knew.)
Somehow, I found a way to speak truth to her the next morning. I told her she is an amazing writer and I loved her work and I thought all her words were true. But, that maybe it wasn't really LOVE that did those things, but actual people who made bad choices. I told her love could be that, but it could also be so much more. I told her I wasn't as good a writer as her but off the cuff, that Love was also fabulous fluffy Fred (that is my alliteration about our cat!) Her love for me is the wind beneath my wings and I expressed that. And how my love for her was that she could always trust that I was her #1 fan and that I wanted to be not only the wind beneath her wings....her constant uplift to help her fly but ALSO the soft place where she could fall.
Thanks for letting me share.
Just Me
DeleteI’m sorry for what y’all are living through! Your daughter has very good writing skills because she spoke from the heart! I think you were honest with her but I think you spoke from a very wounded heart! How insensitive and what a pompous ass he is! You are an inspiration for your daughter and I see you teaching her how to make her way through the teenage years to come! Sending hugs! Be kind to yourself!