As human beings, our greatness lies
not so much in being able to remake the world...
as in being able to remake ourselves.
~Ghandi
I would have spit on anyone who'd said such a thing to me in the wake of D-Day. At that point, I didn't much care if my marriage survived. I spent sleepless nights fantasizing about smothering my husband with a pillow. I spent restless days imagining my husband dying of a heart attack. Oh, to be free of him. To not have that perennial question hanging over my head – stay or go. To be able to show up at his funeral, the tragic widow. To release myself of having to figure out whether he was worth giving a second chance. To...release myself.
Because, make no mistake, I felt trapped. There were no good options. Only bad and worse. I could stay with a man who had been lying to me, in one form or another, our entire relationship. That seemed a wholly stupid thing to do.
Or to leave and hold myself responsible for fracturing my children's home, even though, in hindsight, the fracture had been his decision, made entirely without my knowledge or consent.
Or to remain in the space between both of those options – neither here nor there. Holding my breath. Waiting for...what exactly? A push? A pull?
It felt like walking a tightrope. It felt like dancing on the head of a pin. One wrong move and something awful would happen. I hadn't a clue what "awful" was but I was terrified of it.
I remained in that state of suspended fear for more than a year. Maybe two.
But – thank god for amazing therapists – my therapist kept working on me. Gently. Slowly. Reminding me that I could not control him. That, yes, he might cheat again. But insisting, again and again, that there was something I could control. Myself.
At first, that truth offered little comfort. So what if I could control myself. That didn't help me feel safe in a marriage with someone who seemed unable to control HIM self. Or unwilling.
But she wouldn't relent. Any belief that we can change others is an illusion, she would tell me. Any belief that we could control others was a fantasy. It had always been. Always.
Gulp.
I hadn't been able to control my mother's addiction. I hadn't been able to control my father's response to her addiction and his own reliance on booze. I hadn't been able to control my brother's anger, his drug use, his violence.
That hadn't stopped me from trying. That hadn't prevented me from showing up, over and over. I was certain that, without me there, my family would descend into chaos, into madness. The idea of not showing up filled me with terror.
But, re-examining that old script, I realized that showing up hadn't stopped the chaos. It had only made me a witness to it. Made me a victim of it. It had traumatized me.
What if, I began to consider, I did it differently this time? What if I accepted that I couldn't change my husband. Even if I couldn't quite accept that was true (old habits die hard), what if I behaved as if it was. What if, instead of focusing on him and what he was doing, I shifted focus to me.
What if I lifted myself off the floor, off the head of that pin, and remade myself?
It felt perilous but it also felt, almost immediately, liberating? To be able to think about me was a luxury I had rarely given myself. To be able to live my life free of expectations felt glorious. Mostly. It also felt highly uncomfortable. I had to consistently remind myself (again, with my therapist's help) that I could live with the discomfort. That I was learning something new. There was still a sense that, at any moment, the other shoe would drop. I still had the words of my alcoholic mother ringing in my ear: "You are selfish. You are self-centred. You think of nobody but yourself."
Those words were intended to keep me small. To keep me quiet. To keep me from asking for anything from anybody.
And they worked. I lived a lifetime of not asking for things. Of waiting for people to notice me. Of denying my needs.
And that's what I was doing in the wake of D-Day. For those two years, I was waiting for my husband to change while refusing to do so myself.
My change wasn't about making myself more worthy of his love and loyalty, it was about making myself more worthy of my own. It was about carving out a life of honesty and integrity. Of asking for what I wanted instead of hoping he'd notice. Of treating myself with respect and refusing to accept disrespect. Of valuing myself and my time and my energy and refusing to waste it on anyone or anything that didn't make my life more meaningful.
I know hearing that you can "change" yourself feels fraught in the wake of D-Day. It can sound like you're being blamed for his cheating. You are not. At least, not by me. As I say again and again, he didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him.
Change isn't about making yourself more desirable, or more lovable, or more anything. You are enough.
Rather, change is about taking stock of where you in your life, including your marriage, and realizing that you hold the power to remake the life you want. It may not look the way you thought it would. It may not have certain people in it who have shown themselves unworthy of your love.
But if you can let go of this imagined future in which everyone behaves the way you think they should, you can shape a present in which their behaviour is their business and you determine whether it's part of your life. Once you remake yourself, others will respond to this changed you. They will show you who they are. It might be painful. I lost friends. I released others.
Those that remained are there because they have shown me I am safe with them.
Including my husband. I wasn't the one who changed him. He did that himself when he realized that was the price of admission to my life.
He might not have. He might have chosen to remain unchanged. And all the wishing and waiting and hoping wouldn't have changed that.
And within that realization was change itself.
This is such a strong piece. I don't come here much anymore. Not sure what made me this time. I remember struggling trying to find myself worth through a haze of pain. I was living in a new city, new state and trying to find a new job. My self esteem was still at rock bottom. I had had contact with the OW and let her words hurt me over and over again. It took a lot of work finding me, the new me I should say. I struggled with staying with my husband. At one point I wanted to just get in my car and drive home. But I kept going, kept getting up in the morning facing this man that shattered me. I took a job where the women I worked with were back stabbers and gossiped all the time. Women who really I feel truly didn't like themselves. They would by $500 purses to make themselves feel good. Shopping took away their pain for a short time. I decided that I did not want to be them. Everyone of them were divorced and bitter.. Once was remarried but she wasn't really happy. The others were in relationships but didn't get along with their boyfriend's family and friends. My h and I worked hard to make our marriage work. I left that job and found one where I felt so appreciated. I found that this had a lot to do with helping me heal. I no longer wanted to run away. I faced my pain and conquered my fear of failing. My fear of my h putting me through this again. I find comfort being by myself without the ghost of his affair haunting me. At 57 I finally found me.
ReplyDeleteSweetandsavory,
DeleteWhat a story you have to tell. One of hitting absolute rock bottom...one of sitting there and realizing you did not want to stay there. One of refusing to succumb to bitterness. One of refusing to allow yourself to be disrespected and unappreciated. And one of triumph because you valued yourself enough to seek out more, to seek out better. Your story is the story that so many women on this site tell. It's about learning to value ourselves. Maybe you came to this site today because we all needed to hear your story, to remind us that it's possible. Thank-you.
Figuring this out is what really helped me. For a long time I felt sorry for myself and was hopeless. But then after I worked through a lot of the pain I figured out I had to focus on me. Whether our marriage lasted or not I realized it was the key. And once I did that I saw huge changes in my husband. Before that he had really struggled watching me be so hurt and in pain. This would be a typical feeling for him but it was exaggerated since he was the cause of the pain. I find this insightfulness is also helpful when looking at other relationships too with my kids, friends etc.
ReplyDeleteHopeful30,
DeleteI have found it works with any relationship. Once I'm centred, once I'm clear about my own boundaries (ie. what I will/will not tolerate), the rest seems to fall into place. I can still get hurt/disappointed, etc. but it's with the recognition that it's not my job to convince people to behave better.
Elle, your story resonates with me so much. Upon discovering my life was just MY illusion, you begin to question everything. Once you start questioning yourself it doesn't stop. I questioned everything. What you described above took me 5-6 years to plow through. I lost myself with the constant pounding from my marriage, job and kids. Your right - I can make it better, I can make it better. If I do A,B,C then things will change. OPPS I found the text. What kind of perfume do wear? So how is that way working out for you? It didn't. I took away all the illusions in my mind, now replace it with what? A tired bitter bitch? A hermit? I had this big empty hole to fill. As you describe it above for me it was filling a pretty big hole. It was painful to go through. It took a long time. It took tears. It took a clear vision. It took building self-esteem. I started with a simple thing, "What do you value." My husband did everything to make it right. I put him through hell but he changed too. I can remember looking at him, he said, "I love you and want to be with you." I said, you mean that? you know how I can be, vindictive, revenge, push your buttons in a nasty way, physical, threatening. Are you sure? He said yes I'm sure. I took him at his word. It is difficult to look back, I get that old familiar pain in my chest. I had to learn how to be selfish and not care. I had to learn how to ignore and not care. I had to learn to say no and not feel guilty. I'm telling you for sure, you will get through this, you will come out a champion, win a platinum metal. You can kick my ass right now for saying this but you will be a better everything, you will drop the baggage carrying it around year after year. It happens just like a miracle.
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteSo much of my own identity/value was wrapped up in being everything to everyone. I honestly couldn't imagine people wanting me in their life unless I was performing some function for them. To just want me because...I was enough? That seemed impossible.
So, like you, there was this hole of, 'who am I without this need to perform?" And, like you, it took awhile to answer that, to figure out an identity that wasn't based on others' ideas of who I was but on who I wanted to be. And that, as you said, felt like a miracle.
I agree with Elle...thank you for telling your story of survival! I’m still coming back to the blog because I find comfort in the group of women that come through this format!
ReplyDeleteYou've been such a strong, steady voice here Theresa. I take comfort that you're still here, reminding others that they are among a group of women who understand them.
DeleteYour post made me cry. I can’t function. I can’t move. I am stuck and trapped. I can’t stop crying. When will it end? I cannot fathom how someone could be such a consummate pathological liar and sociopath. How can someone hurt another person in this way. I am broken.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI suspect there's isn't a woman here who hasn't said exactly what you've written here. I felt eternally broken. I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't feel broken. When I wouldn't cry and feel afraid.
And I don't really have answers for how someone can hurt another person in this way, except that, honestly, some of them are sociopaths. And some of them are so broken themselves that they don't know another way to be. Hurt people hurt people. Their woundedness wounds others.
You need to determine which one your H is. If he's the former, toss him. If he's the latter, then you get to decide whether you give him the chance to show you he can be a better man or not.
In the meantime, your job is to keep your own head above water. To practice radical self-care -- be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would a cherished friend who was grieving. You will get through this. I promise. Step by step.
I have read and re-read this post, looking for how it relays to my own truth. Because I feel so strongly it does, yet I cant see the answers for myself.
ReplyDelete"I felt trapped. There were no good options. Only bad and worse. I could stay with a man who had been lying to me, in one form or another, our entire relationship. That seemed a wholly stupid thing to do.
Or to leave and hold myself responsible for fracturing my children's home".....
you see, this has absolutely felt like my truth now for two years, and I am trying to find a third truth: That what we have can be made special again. H has changed, he has lived a sober life (he was a sex addict for the entire of our relationship until 2017) for almost two years, he has overcome his depression, he engages more than he used to with family life (there is room for improvement mind...) - and yet that has not been enough for me.
So maybe it IS me who needs to change. Except I don't know how. What does that look like? What changes can I make? I have a successful job - I need work less, probably, but currently on the days I have off I feel worse than when I work because my mind just focuses on the bad things. I exercise, I do my best to read, write poetry, paint... things that I find helpful. I try my best to see friends, though not many of them are really "there for me" any more.... and often I feel too tired to really enjoy their company. So I think somehow despite feeling I am doing all the right things, its not working.
I feel frustrated. I see so many people on here who have made this work, and I want to be in that club. I want to stay married and be happy, but its not panning out that way, and so I keep coming back to this feeling that my choices are just those first two - stay, and remain feeling this way.... or leave, and risk the happiness of our children. Things don't feel bad enough to take that second risk, but I also feel like I am doing myself a disservice if I stay. Its incredibly frustrating to feel unable to escape this feeling when so many others seem to find a way out.
Ali,
DeleteHere's the thing. I didn't feel the way I do now at two years. I still wanted to rip his face off much of the time. How DARE he? I was angry. And when I wasn't angry, I was so profoundly sad. I had decided, essentially, to sacrifice any future happiness for the sake of my children. I wanted them to have a stable home (which I hadn't had) and so...I would stay. And be miserable. But something began to happen between that second and third year. And then it grew stronger between the third and fourth year. By the fifth year, I realized we had made something wonderful out of something horrible. I realized I hadn't had to sacrifice happiness. I realized that I was right where I wanted to be.
My husband was also a sex addict for the entirety of our marriage. Which means, like you, I was in SHOCK. Like HOW DID I MISS THIS? Holy shit, right?
I had a ton of pain to process. I had so much grief to wade through. And I suspect that's where you are. Still eyeball deep in grief. Yay for him that he's made all this positive change. But...it still hurts like hell for you, doesn't it? Why couldn't he have made all that change BEFORE blowing up your life?
If you're not in therapy, I'd encourage you to find someone. I believe that infidelity can be trauma. And trauma needs time and a wise guide to help you navigate.
You don't have to stay. That is always an option. But right now, it sounds as though you do want this to work, you just don't know how to fit yourself, your aching self, into this new marriage.
Be gentle with yourself. Two years is not so long to process the pain of so many more years. And keep posting here. It's incredible how therapeutic it can feel to share your story.
Thank you Elle.
DeleteI hear what you are saying, but I think I still find it really hard to believe that I still have time to be gentle, and that where I am is OK in all of this. I guess I feel like I should be further along by now - I read all the raw posts of people days or weeks, or maybe months into their journey, and I can relate to that sharp pain, but I feel like I got stuck there somehow. I "failed" to keep moving forward. The number of us writing at year 2-3 seems fewer, and there are posts of people at this point post-discovery who seem to have got things together and made choices. Stay or leave, they made a choice, and life is starting to move forward again.
I guess I fear that people will tire of hearing me "moan" yet not make changes. *I* am tired of hearing myself moan, and not see or make changes!!!! I feel like friends have run out of things to say to empathise with me, most don't ask, and if they do I don't think they want to hear the genuine answers. I have never found a therapist who seems to help me make progress, so I feel pretty trapped and even writing here, I can feel like Im somehow not getting it right. Im flailing around and eventually need to do something different to feel different...
Much of what you wrote above resounded with me - I am definitely in that "Im sacrificing a degree of happiness for the sake of our girls" (Im not UNhappy, not completely, me and H dont argue, we are good friends, but I dont feel in love, dont feel loved, dont feel safe.... we are best friends, raising a family together, but that deeper connection has been lost). And I agree that what I have been through has been like trauma. I had therapy, I have had EMDR, and it has reduced a lot of the trauma symptoms, but hasn't moved me forward any with recreating a connection with my H.
The difference between you and I is that I DID know, kind of, that my H was an addict, from VERY early in our relationship. It is just that he kept escalating the behaviour. Before the wedding it was online messages that I found. After the wedding, online messages and a kiss, a few years later online relationships, then a short affair while Im pregnant with our first child, then finally the major discovery - years of porn addiction, multiple affairs - online and physical.... but I had known all the previous ones, I had forgiven him, he had promised "never again". So I WASN'T in shock 2.5 years ago, I had always known it was possible, maybe had thought it was probable.... I have had pain to wade through, definitely I have struggled greatly with the extent to which I finally discovered what had been happening, and the 6 months it took him to get a grip on the addiction was harrowing - repeated confessions of slip ups. One particular OW who lives nearby who has not wanted to loosen her claws on him, and who I have to see in town frequently enough to cause me a lot of difficulties day to day....
I dont know.
Part 2 - I do want to keep writing here, you are right, it helps hugely to know people might listen, people have things to say back which are helpful - sometimes everyone makes me take a second look at what I am feeling, sometimes it is just that acknowledgement that people have heard my pain.... but I also feel at some point the story has to change. I cant write this forever. People move on, and I need to find a way to do that too.
DeleteI will look for therapy again maybe. I find that I dont seem to make any progress, so I tend to stop. Most of them seem to suggest that I cant get past this, and that it is unreasonable for me to try and find a way to stay with H.... thats not helpful in itself.... my most recent therapist did the EMDR, which has stopped flashbacks and anxiety attacks (obviously great news!), but she too, while not telling me I CANT get over this, did question to what extent it was reasonable for me to feel safe and loved in a relationship which has had 16 years of trauma through it...
Anyway. Thank you. I will keep writing, I will start harder to think about the stuff I could be doing for me....
Ali - I'm at 29 months past DD#2 -- DD#1 was in mid-2007. Your story resonates with mine ... a lot of similarities both from the story of our marriage to the story of our life.
DeleteI have a therapist who I love ... I've done EMDR ... I'm on an anti-depressant ... I guess what I'm saying is that I've done the work ... but I still feel much like you do. The other day I decided I just feel empty. I can bring forth emotions and feelings when it comes to my children ... but the rest of my life just feels empty.
I don't write as much on this site anymore because I'm not sure if my WS or his whore come here and read. I wasn't smart enough to give myself a great handle when I joined this horrible club and have always said I wouldn't change it now.
Keep writing. We're reading even if we don't write.
Ali, Please know that you will never wear out your welcome here. It can be hard for those in our lives who've never gone through this to really understand just how long it takes to absorb. It's really a trauma. I had a friend (who HAD gone it through it herself but left) dismiss my indecision with "well, I could never stay." and that was the end of the conversation. I felt so hurt by it. But...I learned who could support me and who couldn't.
DeleteI honestly think the key is taking care of yourself. It's also setting a great example for your kids to see a mom who prioritizes her physical and mental health and who treats herself with value.
You'll get there, Ali. The day will come when this will be a memory.
Anonymous- I am going through the same thing. Your words are something I say to myself almost everyday. My husband left me when our daughter was just 7 months old - with the excuse we were fighting too much (we were fighting because he was coming home every night a different person - rude, stubborn, unhelpful with the baby). 6 months of back and forth hell - I refused to file and he kept saying he would but never did. He came back one day and said he wanted to work on us - to try and fix things. That me and our daughter meant too much to him to just walk away from without giving it a shot. 2 months of slowly rebuilding us led up to a small weekend trip. Everything was going great, he said he was happy, showed me he was happy. Then came the truth - there was someone else and he had an affair. But it was supposedly over now. Flash forward a week and I’m still having a hard time dealing with this, which leads to more fights (he calls them fights, I call them emotionally charged conversations)... so he left again. We are back to square 1 and I feel like the same thing is happening all over again. Why do I love and still want to be with someone who could do this to me? What kind of person does this? I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him - but I can’t imagine the rest of my life dealing with him and this pain he caused me either.
ReplyDeleteGirl - I feel you. I feel you so much. You are not alone.
Crystal,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. And with a baby!! That makes it doubly/quadruply difficult.
It sounds as though you two need some help navigating this incredibly emotionally charged time. He calls them fights?? Well...duh. You're furious. He cheated on you. Exactly how did he think you'd respond?? It sounds as though he really struggles with your (justifiably) strong emotions around this. But leaving isn't fair to you. He needs to learn to let you have those feelings, display those feelings without emotionally or physically abandoning you. And that's where a therapist comes in. I hope you'll find someone who can help you both. It will be really really hard. But it will also be worth it for both of you, whether you stay together or not.
I feel like I’ve been in this limbo even before DDay. I only ever wanted him to be emotionally available and his answer was to run to an affair. Now he wants a separation so he can flee feeling all these emotions he wants to avoid. I’ve been in therapy for years and she’s great. She keeps telling me to stop trying g to fast forward through this because it’s just not possible which is just so discouraging and depressing. I want to know what happens become this pain is too much to carry alone. He wants to separate to “rechoose” me, WTF pretty sure you chose me when you put a ring on my finger! I’m al over the map with my emotions and just see no light at the end of the tunnel and he does not like that i have hope and still love him. Just so tired.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have a good therapist and I completely agree with her conviction that you can't fast forward through healing. However, you can refuse to let your husband call all the shots. "My heartbreak, my healing" is the motto on this site and it means that WE get to be the ones who define our post-infidelity lives. We get to decide what we will and will not tolerate. If he's insisting on a separation, then I think you need to move forward with plans to live without him in your life. I know it hurts. And I know it's not what YOU want. But it sounds as though he's making it clear it's what he wants, but you don't have to just accept it. This whole "rechoose" thing just seems...off.
DeleteThe pain of betrayal and, potentially, rejection is excruciating. But you are stronger than you know. You will get through this. But do it on your terms, not his.
Thanks Elle i told him he needed to wait until after Christmas to separate (which he claims is temporary but i dont trust him on that) because of the kids. I can’t make him stay if he wants to leave and he’s been talking about separation since he initially told me about the affair (which he lied about the details) but he’s about as consistent as runny eggs. I feel like i can control this separation idea and IF he decides to come back I’ll be in control of whether or not I’ll accept that but it’s just hard when i don’t even feel like i know what I’m doing. I hate him for doing this to us and love him because he’s been with me for 23 years so i worry about him. Ugh!
ReplyDelete