Four Questions You Should Ask After His Affair

I'm in North Carolina at the My Heartbreak, My Rules, My Healing weekend so I may be offline for  bit. I apologize if it takes some time before I can moderate comments. 

Last week I wrote a post about the questions we're so often plagued by after discovering a partner's infidelity. Questions that undermine our healing.
And then, over the weekend, I got thinking about the questions we should be asking ourselves.

1. What does he need to do to convince me he's worth a second chance?
It's one of betrayal's ironies that right when we should be utterly outraged at our partner's lies and deception, we are, instead, terrified that he'll leave. Not all of us, of course. Many of us throw his clothes on the front lawn, call his mother or sister or boss, text him to not bother coming home. But some of us, like me, have such a deep fear of abandonment that all I could think about was being left. Scratch that. It wasn't thinking about being left, it was deeper than that: It was feeling the terror of being left.
And so I gave my husband a blow-job. Sure I berated him for the pain I was in but I didn't kick him out. I didn't throw him on the couch. I did a few things right, like demand that he remove her from his office and never EVER have contact with her again. Like insist on access to his phone and computer. Like demand that he be home every single night to help me with our three children as I was falling to pieces.
And as my husband responded to my demands, as he struggled to convince me he was worth a second chance, it worked. I saw how hard he was working. I watched him fight like hell to understand how he could do such a thing and risk a family he loved.
What is your husband doing? If he's not fighting like hell, why not? If he's still on the fence about whether or not he'll give up the OW, what are you waiting for?
This is your time to figure out whether this guy is worth the ridiculously hard work of rebuilding a marriage after betrayal. So many of us question our own worthiness in the wake of betrayal -- wondering what's wrong with us that he cheated. There's nothing wrong with us. Him? Well, he's a cheater so that's one strike against him. Let's just see whether he's worth fighting for. 

2. What can I give to myself to help me heal from this?
You cannot control your husband, as if that isn't painfully clear at this point. But we forget that, don't we? We think if only he cuts off contact, re-dedicates himself to his family, reminds us why he doesn't want to lose us that we'll magically feel better. But it doesn't work that way. Betrayal is a wound that remains even if your husband is the most remorseful ever. Even if he does everything right (after doing a HUGE wrong).
But you can control yourself, which is the only thing you've ever been able to control. Which means...your healing is your responsibility but also your salvation. Therapy, loyal friends, time alone, time together, journalling, retreats...whatever you need, find a way to give it to yourself. Maybe you're realizing that you got lost a long time before he cheated. Maybe you cheated yourself before he did. Out of an education you wanted. A career you hoped for. A family you dreamed of. Get to know yourself again and then give that wounded woman what she needs to heal from this.

3. When/where have I violated my own boundaries in my marriage?
In other words, what behaviour have I tolerated that made me feel unvalued and unsafe, emotionally or physically? And remember, it's not always a clear-cut thing. My boundaries had always been so fuzzy that I was only vaguely aware of when they were being violated. It didn't show up in my consciousness as a "hell no! you can't do that!" so much as a simmering resentment, a knot in my stomach, a muffled anger. For instance, I routinely allowed my husband's work to be considered more important than my work. Yes, he earned more money, though there's little doubt that was partly the result of a dynamic that gave him more time/energy to devote to his career than I was able to devote to mine. And, I would tell myself, it was my choice to want to be home with my children. But that was just a way of rationalizing the lack of consideration I was getting in my marriage. It was a way of justifying that my marriage didn't feel fair.
Healing from his betrayal and rebuilding a marriage worth staying for meant taking a hard look at the ways in which I had allowed my own wants and needs to become secondary. Not rocking the boat became more important than advocating for myself. That's an unhealthy dynamic and one that needed fixing if I was going to stay in my marriage.

4. Do I believe myself worthy of love and respect?
This is a tough one because most of will automatically respond with "of course". Of course, we believe ourselves worthy. Who wouldn't? And yet, looking closely at the way we treat ourselves, or the way we allow ourselves to be treated can sometimes reveal the lie beneath that. We believe ourselves worthy of love and respect and yet we don't insist that our partners share in the labor around the home. We believe ourselves worthy of love and respect and yet we tolerate our husbands "teasing" us about our weight gain. Or making fun of our dream of going back to school.
Pay attention to those insidious ways in which we disrespect ourselves. Notice the times when his joke is at our expense, or his wants/needs are automatically assumed to take priority.
And, perhaps most importantly, pay attention to how we talk to ourselves. That internal critic, the one that shames us for thick thighs, or crow's feet, or a burned dinner, or a thoughtless remark, can be relentlessly cruel. My own inner critic, despite years of trying to silence her, still shows up to point out that my career isn't as great as another writer I know. Or reminds me, daily, that my body is showing its age. And that's just the beginning.
Pay attention. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect and, I promise, you will begin to believe it. And then you will accept nothing less from those around you.