I screenshot this comment many months ago because I was so struck by how this question was framed:
"How we do hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?"
It's the question that's a part of the heart of this site. (I saw a part because I think the larger part of the heart of this site is to provide a safe space for betrayed wives to heal and chart out their next steps.)
There are other sites, of course, that traffic in vitriol, in revenge. There are sites that peddle forgiveness. I like to think that this site does neither — I have tried to create a space in which we acknowledge the deep deep wound of betrayal while at the same time recognizing that a cheater isn't necessarily a monster. But neither is a cheater automatically deserving of our forgiveness. I've tried to find a path somewhere between the two where we can keep our focus on our own pain, our own healing, while — if we choose to — remaining in touch with the humanity of the person who's caused the deep wound.
Because I remain convinced that, as upside-down as it seems (and I acknowledge that there are exceptions), most cheaters are trying to fix something broken inside of themselves. And whether or not you're interested in rebuilding a marriage with the same person, it can accelerate your own healing if you're able to remain in touch with the humanity of the person who caused your pain.
The reason is simple: In order for us to be able to extend true compassion to someone else, we need to know it ourselves. I had long been a harsh judge of others. I had no time for liars, for scoundrels, for cheats. But when I discovered I was married to someone who was all three, and that I lacked both the energy and the bandwidth to leave right away, I had to try something else.
I wrote about it in 2015:
"Transformation, I've discovered, isn't a bolt of lightning from the sky. It wasn't magic.
For me, transformation was showing up each day, slowly opening my heart to the possibility that I could handle this. That I was worth fighting for. Not someone else fighting for me but ME fighting for me. That I was enough, just as I was. That I had always been.
And within that transformation, there were many many gifts. Much suffering too. But that, it seems, is where transformation takes root."
By truly coming to believe that I had value, I accepted that my husband had value too. And — it shocks me still to know this — I came to believe that she had value too. That she cheated with a man she knew was married because she had no self-worth. Where had she learned to live on crumbs?
None of this is to argue that you need to stay married. That you need to forgive him. That you need to forgive her.
It is, however, to say that if we can learn to thread that needle — to hold him accountable for wrongdoing and yet remain in touch with his humanity — we learn healthy boundaries. We learn our own worth and that of others.
When we believe in others' capacity to be transformed, even in light of wrongdoing, we create the conditions for our own transformation.
I am doing my hardest to live this way too :
ReplyDelete("Transformation, I've discovered, isn't a bolt of lightning from the sky. It wasn't magic.
For me, transformation was showing up each day, slowly opening my heart to the possibility that I could handle this. That I was worth fighting for. Not someone else fighting for me but ME fighting for me. That I was enough, just as I was. That I had always been.
And within that transformation, there were many many gifts. Much suffering too. But that, it seems, is where transformation takes root.").
And for the most part I’m doing it one step forward and a few back and then forward again but it isn’t easy that’s for sure and it can feel pretty lonely at times but I am enough and so is everyone that has found themselves on this site x
When you are betrayed the deepest part of is shattered to your very core, what you think was your life is changed forever and wither you stay or go or in my case he went but we are trying to work it out it won’t be the same again. The best advice I found out there was work on yourself and do something for you and it might sound crazy but it is invaluable especially the do something for you part. For as long as I can remember I have always done things for others it is not wrong to want to do something for yourself it’s empowering
I believe that even when a step back can feel like what the Fxxx am I doing the main thing is the doing part x
This is so true. I am so hurt by my husbands behaviour that I can't forgive him. But I can understand how he was feeling & why. It doesn't excuse it but he is not a monster he is human, a weak man but still human. Now he is apologetic & wants my forgivenesss but I'm not ready for that yet. Its so hard to be in the paradox of loving someone & wanting to hate them at the same time.
ReplyDelete"Its so hard to be in the paradox of loving someone & wanting to hate them at the same time."
DeleteThis is so true and I know how you feel. The cognitive dissonance of it is awful. However, there is another option besides love and hate. It's indifference, which is actually the opposite of love. Hatred for the cheater is just a waste of emotion and it creates stress in the body. It is difficult to get to the point where you no longer care, but it is doable. I wondered if it would ever happen for me. I was so full of outrage and pain. It did happen, and the peace I gained is priceless. It can't happen if the cheater is still in your life in any meaningful way. You can have him/her in the periphery if you have kids together, but you cannot have a relationship with this person. Lots of people have gone this route and can attest to the fact that it works. For many it is the only thing that works. Best of luck to you.
A thoughtful write up Elle. However TBH after 4 years of discovering it I am still angry. The years of my precious life wasted. 10 years of being cheated. Gaslighted. Yes I have picked up my shambled mess. But I wished I could turn back the clock and was more aware. Thank you for giving us space to vent.
ReplyDeleteJust Venting :)
You can recognize the cheater as human and still decide that this human being has flaws which are intolerable to you. The human versus monster argument does not work. When we call somebody a monster, we don't mean the person is not human, we mean the person commits monstrous deeds. For example, I recognize that people in Germany in the 1930s were human beings who did monstrous things. They were human, but they were certainly not humans I would invite over for dinner, let alone sleep beside them. This analogy may be extreme, but sometimes you need an extreme example in order to best illustrate a principle. The point is that whatever is, in one's own view, too monstrous to tolerate, one should not live with. The way I see it, life is too short to waste on people who don't share my values. Somebody who cheats clearly does not share my values, so why would I waste my life trying to get that person to change when there are people out there who don't need to be dragged into being decent, caring human beings? A relationship shouldn't be like buying a home which is a fixer upper, a situation in which you have to work tirelessly to help the other to be a better person. That's known as codependence, and it isn't healthy. Compassion is indeed wonderful and essential. A relationship with a cheater steals time and energy away from giving to others who are more in need, more deserving, and who actually appreciatethe effort rather than say they are sorry, then do the same thing again. Since I got rid of the cheater I have richer relationships with others, because I am no longer pouring love into a black hole.
ReplyDeleteThankyou everyone for being here, for sharing, for weighing in. For myself, I had not the time/energy and 0.5% belief that my scoundrel-wasband could learn/grow/commit-to-our-marriage...we have been permanently separated 3 1/2 years. I chose to work on myself, to put myself first, to know that I was enough...I put less than zero energy into 'working-on-the-marriage'; after 15 years of giving 110% +++++ love/commitment/time/support/$$/getting dragged around from place to place/dragged through his complicated messes... I chose insteaad to heal/learn/grow. After D-day he put less than zero into trying to make the marriage work. Why would he, how could he? given that he had been cheating since we were engaged. How could he put in effort now to make 'us' work? He used me for love/companionship/$$ while he ran a secret life for his thrills and risky behavior needs. How could he fix what was always broken. I had no idea what was going on. Four years before we separated I found out about his lap-dancers, gambling, female 'friends'...I decided to give the marriage a chance but he dove deeper into his secret life. And those four years turned into a nightmare for out marriage. Yes things were falling apart and he made so many excuses, gave so many lies for my questions and concerns about his increasing emotional-physical distance from me. D-Day is when I found about his side-chicks, affairs both physical + emotional, online live-porn. He is ill in the head, in his thoughts, in his mind; as it turns out he was always running to some fantasy and addiction. The marriage was never commited, not from him. So I chose me. And I still choose me. There is nothing to rebuild since it was all a lie. He claims he loved me, and he did. But love shouldn't hurt, shouldn't cause the pain and destruction that he caused. I was completely shredded from discovery-day. My entire body literally collapsed. I lay outside on the ground for two days. I would go in the house to make tea and then crawl back outside. No joke. I was on the ground. Thank goodness the weather was good. I couldn't bear being in our house. I have compassion for his lost soul, for his tortured mind but he dragged me over broken glass and cared not for my feelings while he was cheating all that time. Yes he is ashamed, but his feelings of failing and how he would appear to his family were more important than my well-being. I never had to kick him out, he just never came home after I telephoned him at work on D-Day. We own a semi-detached house and due to finances/still-married we lived next door to each other for three years. This is the strangest thing I have ever gone through. Did he get therapy, work on himself? who knows. But about 1 1/2 years after we separated, after D-Day, he chased after a girl literally half his age. Not much older than his daughter. I could see their Instagram 'likes', and as unhealthy as it was for me to watch, I could see him liking all her beach bikini shots, skimpy-clothing looks, info came my way of their affair. Naturally after about six months he dumped her. So where was the hope that he was working on himself to become a better human being? She was an x-drunk disaster, four DUI's in a short time, ended up in jail. And he helped her apply to regain her license. So nope, I was clearly all done. I am glad to know the dirty details because it kept my brain from hoping. Hope, for me, would have been dangerous and foolish. Truth and facts were what I needed. So I stopped looking at Instagram because my 2% hope of him seeing the light quickly dwindled to zero. Please understand dear readers, I am not trashing him, not in the least. He's on his own. He has moved away. My post is about the importance of my well-being, my sanity, my health, my growth, my peace of mind, MY LIFE...my dear precious Life.... and I want to share with you how important this is. Take what resonates, make smart informed choices, Be Well xox
ReplyDeleteSo here I am again. Dday 2 and I am broken. My heart is so sad. I trusted what he told me that there was no contact with the AP. He works in the same hospital as her but on another unit. I only originally discovered the affair in January 2022. Yesterday he used my computer to login to his work email. He did not close out of the browser after he finished. What did I find but emails from him to her saying he was getting a new phone. He had a pay as you go phone to hide the fact that they were still texting and talking. I don’t know what to do. How do I trust him again? How do I move on from this? I thought we were in such Ana amazing place. He was attentive and caring from the original discovery until yesterday. He says it was not romantic this time they were just friends. I call bullshit. I asked him to see his 2nd phone. He says he doesn’t want me to get hurt more. If it was just friends you should be able to show it to me. He called and setup and appointment with a marriage counselor last night. He says she was nothing and just liked the attention and that infatuation feeling. How about I liked before all of this happened. I am just broken. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. How could I. He lied to my face for a year and a half. I want to confront her. My husband doesn’t want me calling her because her husband may over hear. Yeah the cu next Tuesday is married with 2 little kids. I don’t care if he finds out. He says why would you blow up her life. Really????? She dropped an A bomb on my marriage and there are no consequences for her. She will just go on with her life and marriage. My marriage is forever changed. I can’t bring myself to wear my wedding rings. They represent a broken promise now. I told him the only way we can move forward is if he quits his job and has 0 contact. I don’t trust that he will have 0 contact. When I first found out in January 2022 he said the same thing and here we are again. I am a broken woman.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry you are going through this. It seems like it is wash, rinse and repeat for your husband. You need to get therapy to get yourself together. He has not done the work in therapy/counseling to warrant another chance. The only thing that helped me was therapy, time and my faith. I am now 27 months from my confrontation date. It will get easier. I promise you.
DeleteAs for confronting the AP. I know it is tempting, however, don’t waste your time. She is a pathetic excuse of a human being and has more problems than you can enumerate. I fought the urge to confront my husband’s AP for well over 1.5 years. I completely understand how you feel; she just gets to go on with her life with no repercussions after she threw a bomb on your life. I am in the same boat. All I can do is conduct myself with grace and dignity in this life and know that God will take care of her judgement.
It will get better but it takes time, a whole lot of it. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry. This sounds terribly familiar to me. I am about 2 1/2 years post Dday 2. It is horrible and, I too, am still fighting the urge to confront the AP. Therapy has definitely helped but it truly is beyond difficult, at times, to continue to be the better person, as far as the AP is concerned. Nobody thought to put us first or think about our feelings and lives, but we’re expected to do just that. But, read that line back, it’s the “Golden Rule”. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Sometimes it holds little comfort, but most of the time, it does help. I mean, my children are first in my thoughts when it comes to the repercussions of confronting her, but her children are on my mind too. I don’t want to cause damage to someone else’s children. And honestly, I feel like it might cause regression on progress that has been made. I don’t know if you will find this helpful but I changed my perspective from, “Are we going to stay together?” to, “Is this right for me, does it make me happy, long term?”, and it has been a game changer for me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. We’re all here for you.
DeleteI confronted one AP that I knew of and his story verses hers were completely different, I knew he was telling lies and she told a few herself , Remember you can never undo it, It will haunt you...
DeleteI hadn't looked at this site for a while and tonight somehow I accidentally opened it from my desktop without realizing it. I was so happy to see this post. This site has helped me more than all the counseling I have re received. I remember the days I could not breathe without pain. I am better, it can get better. I feel many days of joy now that I wasn't sure would ever come.I still also need the encouragement of this site. Thank you, Elle and all who stand together as we navigate through this pain stronger together.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been reading this blog from the beginning and am so appreciative of everyone on here.
DeleteI am just over 6 months out from DDay. My h has done nothing to move toward staying together. As sad and angry as I was when I found out about the a, I was open to reconciliation. He claims he doesn’t want our marriage to end as well but to this day continues contact with the ap. He was sexually abused as a child. I only learned this after DDay. But he also told her. She is an extremely troubled individual. She is an alcoholic, does cocaine, by all indications has a personality disorder, just an individual with no integrity or self worth. She has threatened suicide often and my h feels responsible for that, though I know her issues began long before he was in the picture. This may be just an excuse for him to keep contact with her. He is deeply ashamed of what happened to him as a child. I highly encouraged him to seek counseling for this above our marriage as I feel we can’t move forward until he begins forgiving himself. The ap has supposedly threatened to reveal his past. He uses this as an excuse to keep in contact with her. But also he chooses to contact her. When we have had disagreements, he goes to her to talk because “she is the only one he can talk to about this”. He says he doesn’t have anyone else. He definitely has friends and family but I don’t know how much help they would be. Regardless this does not mean it is ok for him to go to her. Also she has recently sent him a video of her masturbating. I found him looking at a text from her and he tried to deny it but eventually claimed that she had sent him the video as well as a porn picture hoping it would cheer him up. That was the nail in the coffin for me because he is clearly open to this type of communication from her. I have been trying to take the advice on here to not make any major decisions for 6-12 months or more but I just can’t take this anymore. As I said he has done absolutely nothing for my healing. We went to couples therapy for a month or so but when I realized how I was feeling emotionally abused by him and that this was just a waste of time and money if he wasn’t willing to sacrifice anything, we stopped going. I am in individual therapy as is he but he is not seeing any specialist for his issues and it’s a phone session so I believe he manipulates the session as he wants it. I encouraged him to find a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma but the one he is going to is free through our insurance via Teledoc and any specialist would be expensive and not covered under our insurance. I said that shouldn’t matter because his healing is more important than the finances. Of course what he chooses to do is not up to me.
Anyway I’m really struggling right now because he is moving out, which I want because he cannot keep to any consistency when he comes and goes and that causes me anxiety. Also we have three adult children and one minor child who are around our house and see what is going on. They know about the infidelity.
I am thinking I want to just file for divorce so I can move on with my life. I really believed after finding this site that we could rebuild our marriage but I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m afraid I’m giving up too soon but I just can’t take the way he treats me with complete indifference.
Thank you for listening. I don’t know if this will even be read. It appears this site isn’t as active as it used to be.
Never wanted this
Dear Anon Sept.23 2023 ---- I am so so very sorry for what has brought you to this site but please know that we are all here to talk, share, vent, and give hope. This site is however not for repairing marriages per se. I find this a safe-space and a place to learn and grow. Your husband claims he does not want your marriage to end. Have him define what exactly your marriage is, what that means to him. Have him express this clearly without using the word 'marriage'. Let's see what he comes up with. Zero contact with his affair-person is a must. Period. Full stop. If he insists he has a need to go to her, so let him. But not on your time. I am so sorry your kids are going through the vibe of seeing a rift in their parents. My h too was abused as a child, he became alcoholic (started drinking age 12), tried to kill himself, but claimed he dealt with all that through therapy in his 20's. As it turns out, throughout our entire marriage he was cheating (emotionally/physically), live online /phone porn-sites, dating sites, it was heartbreaking to find out that at times he posed as a single man, when it suited him. Even after we separated, he chased after a girl literally half his age, not much older than his daughter. I feared I would be permanently psychologically damaged from all his crap, of what he did to me and the marriage. I worked HARD on holding my head up and taking care of myself. I went for walks, a LOT of walks. I cried. A LOT. It was horrid. But I worked at finding my peace of mind. I ate as well as I could, and forced myself to do things, like going for walks, going for a drive, cooking dinner. I am just on the other side of four years separated and this year has been very good for me mentally, physically, emotionally. H and I will always be permanently separated and I do best when I don't think of him. Yes I felt he wasted 15 years of my precious life, my time, energy, finances. It wasn't a total waste; we travelled, designed and built things together, heck we did so much together I am amazed he had time for affairs. But he made the time. Over the years I watched our marriage and me become less and less interesting to him, I could never figure out why. A few times I would question him when things seemed 'off' and he would cite emotional-financial stress-job stress-bad childhood. The first two years of our life together were fantastic, I felt like I had won the lottery. But his addiction to me, the new-shiny-exciting had worn off. I just didn't know it. So please take care of yourself. You are too busy for this person, your h. You have kids. Show them how great Life can be. I am not yet divorced but don't have a husband, he is a wasband. I am not his wife. He killed all of that. Remember, in a marriage both parties should consult on life-changing decisions. Your h did not consult with you. So I would ask him, what does that marriage mean to him? Convenience? Security? The comfort of stable love when he decides he needs it? This is probably what marriage meant to my wasband. Not me. I am enjoying my own company and there is a silver lining from the marriage-debacle; I learned some valuable things about myself that I otherwise would not have. I dug deep and left no stone unturned with my discoveries. Yes I do yoga and meditate, HUGELY helpful :-) Please check in, and in the meantime, focus and taking care of YOU. Pffft these cheating husbands frankly are a dime a dozen. Nothing special at the end of the day. Who needs the grief? If they want to grow up and stop trying to be the big-man-on-campus and get real, and have a real relationship and live in truth...well, then that could be worth talking about. Otherwise, I'm busy. :-)
DeleteThank you for this . Struggling so much right now. And this post and site are so helpful. D-day was 3.5 months ago and I’m trying to make it work but just have so many questions. Who is this person???
ReplyDeleteI found our my husband was cheating with his colleague last Saturday.
ReplyDeleteI backed up his messages and that night on his way home from a work do he was messaging her how lovely she smelt. Hoe he wanted intimacy and how he was her ride or die.
I thought we were so happy together he was my best friend, we have 4 kids 8 years ago he had an affair and I forgave him, it took me 8 years to rebuild myself, my career, my confidence and my trust in him, I feel like I've been in an earthquake and everything has shattered around me.
I want to scream. Shout slash my wrists for his attention instead I'm laying in an empty bed writing this.
I have booked therapy for next week.
He has moved to the kids room.
Why does he get to choose?
I had no choice in this I didn't ask for him to have the affair yet I have to suffer and my poor kids.
He says he's getting help and he's sorry but how many times is my world going to shatter because of your bad choices?
Dear Sept.29.......Earthquake, yes, it feels like a tornado, earthquake, and meteor crashing into the ground... I'm so sorry. The shattering disintegrating void and everything being upside down, it is horrid. I am so sorry. But please take care of yourself. Therapy for yourself is vital. Why does your husband get to choose, you ask? indeed, a valid question which we all ask. Why?? and we may never fully know the answer. Does he know why? in time the answer may come to light but know this, cheaters are liars and they rarely offer up the full picture. So please take care of yourself, and your kids. For myself, I eventually had to do radical-acceptance that it happened, and that I would never have the complete picture. We are permanently separated living in separate states. Everyone's marriage is personal and I have no business nor interest in advising anyone on what to do with their relationship. But I do advocate for self-care, this is paramount. After D-Day the hell I went through was like constantly crawling over broken glass. I would dream of going to boot-camp and having a drill sargeant with their boot on my face as I crawled through mud. I've never been, but this would have been so easy compared to what I was going through after D-day. Because I started to discover a LOT of wasband's secret life. I thought I would go crazy. I knew that I would not, but if felt that way. So I made myself get therapy, go for long walks, do yoga + mediation, eat well. I did all these things by myself and learned to be self-sufficient again. Baby steps. Patience. Holding my head up. Finding grace in the pain. Allowing myself to be human, and to accept that choosing my husband was not a mistake, but a choice that at the time I thought was a very good one. Would I marry him again, knowing what I know? hah! nope. But I digress. Your world does not need to shatter anymore. Take care of you, gain strength in mind-body-soul and the rest will fall into place.
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. That anyone can see the pain that infidelity causes and then do it again just boggles my mind. You ask why does he get to choose? Because we all get to choose. And that includes you. You get to choose if you want to live with HIS choices. You get to choose if you want to stay in a marriage where someone has betrayed you not just once, but again after 8 years of you rebuilding yourself. You get to choose how you rebuild yourself because you have to one way or another. You can rebuild you with him or without him.
ReplyDeleteNone of this is fair, Anonymous. I know that. You didn't deserve this. And we all wish none of us had to go through the pain of betrayal. But here we are. Our choice: Who are we going to be in the wake of this? To be honest, my money is on you rebuilding a life without him. My money is on you realizing that you deserve so much better. My money is on you being the BEST mom to your four kids and co-parenting with him with decency and respect. Your choice, of course. Who are you going to choose?
Part1: So Last week was my D-Day. It has been 8 days now. I got confirmation that my husband cheated on me a few years ago. We have been married for 5 years. He says the affair happened 7years ago (before we got engaged & married) and only lasted a few months. It was something that I was suspecting and asked him about this woman back in 2018. At the time he denied it. We fought about it but he stuck to his story that I’m insecure and there’s nothing going on between him and The Other Woman.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been unable to let it go this whole time coz it has been bothering me coz my gut feeling has just always told me no man, the story he gave me just doesn’t make sense. So every once in a while, I would bring it up.. sometimes even as a joke hoping that he will finally tell me the truth. And every once in a while I check his phone to see if there’s any communication between them coz back in 2019 I asked him to cut all communication & block her which he did.
So last weekend I found myself checking his phone again for her name and I realised that I can’t still be doing this so many years later. It’s unfair on me to have to carry this thing and still be so insecure about this woman coming back into his life even after so long. So I told him how much it bothers me and how I’m unable to get over it even so many years later and I want us to really be on a clean slate so that I don’t have any lingering anger or suspicions. I’m tired of checking his phone. I just want us to move on without any baggage holding us back.
So finally he confessed that he did have an affair with her but that he only saw her a few times and he only slept with her once. After that he felt guilty and ended things with her. He says by the time I asked him about her in 2018 he had already ended things with her. According to him this happened in 2017 and he’s never done anything like that again since then. I don’t know if I even believe that.
I’m so hurt. As much as this happened more than 5 years ago and before we got married, it still hurts. I feel betrayed and humiliated. To me it doesn’t matter that TOW knew about me and understood she had to be hidden. The point is he went and approached another woman, pursued her for weeks/months until she agreed to sleep with him. All the while I was there as his girlfriend. And back then whenever I would question him about his whereabouts or why he has codes on his phone that he doesn’t want me to know, he would make it seem as if I’m the one who has insecurity issues and I need to work on myself and stop accusing him. Meanwhile he knew there was actually nothing wrong with me and my gut feeling was correct all those years ago.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteA part of me regrets why did I ask him to come clean.. I really thought since it’s something that happened so long ago I will be fine and it won’t hurt as much. Especially because deep down I knew there was something with this woman. But the pain and hurt I’ve been feeling this whole week and right now, it feels like something that has just happened.
I’m not sure if I will be able to forgive him and move on from this. I’ve always told him that for me cheating is a dealbreaker.. I’ve never forgiven a boyfriend for cheating before. So I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it now.
He’s been apologising and says he’s willing to do anything to fix things. He recognised his mistake immediately after sleeping with her and has made sure he stays faithful to me after that. He says he was young (28yrs old then) and childish, now he understands that his wife & kids are his priority and he would never do that again.
What’s making this more confusing for me is the fact that he’s been such an amazing husband and father these past 5years. If it wasn’t for the text messages that I saw back in 2018, I would not have suspected anything since we got married. I really believe that he hasn’t cheated since we got married. He says I must use the past 5years as proof that he is sorry and committed. But it just hurts so much. For me right now it’s not even a matter of will he do it again or not. It’s the fact that he did it! I don’t know if it should mean anything that at the time we were not married yet because it still hurts just as much.
I’d appreciate any advice on how to work through this and if I can forgive and get past the infidelity. Am I being too harsh since it’s something that happened so long ago before we got married?
Hi 22OctDDay....I feel your agony, confusion, frustration, pain.....first off, he did not make a 'mistake', it was a choice. And once trust has been broken, it is broken. Take an egg out of the carton, drop it on the floor....it breaks...it cannot be repaired let alone be returned to its natural unbroken state. Unless the fairy godmother whacks on the head with magic fairy dust to give us all permanent amnesia, cheaters included, we will always remember the cheating-lying-broken-trust. So how to move through this? I ask this frequently on this site. How do women start again, how do married couples start again? I think a lot of deep inner work is needed, lots of therapy and healthy decisions/boundaries need to be established and a laser-beam focus of wanting a healthy relationship should be the burning energy for both parties. I'm not sure anyone 'moves-forward' but can certainly, either together or apart move-through these times. I am still the same person I always was, but with some modifications. I am terrified to trust any partner, of letting anyone get close to me again. The pain and suffering was horrific for me. My innocence of trusting was shattered, I am skeptical of just about anyone that appears genuine. I think, who is this? what do they want? I have no interest in meeting a partner and have been solo since D-Day. Wasband and I are permanently separated four+ years now and there is less than zero chance of getting together again. He would need to be a completely different person for me to want anything to do with him. Sadly, cheaters don't want you to know, and will give you information in a trickle and only if they have to. I truly hope he has not been lying the past five years. I never would have believed what my husband was capable of. I discovered shocking things on my own. So after D-Day I let go of my belief system. I was interested only in facts, in what had happened. I had believed my husband loved me, and only me and that married for 15 years meant we were well on our way to a good life together. I could spell out all the positives in our time together and one would think everything was great. I certainly did. Nope. 15 years of a stupid shell-of-a-marriage is what was happening behind my back. Invest your time wisely. Your husband wants to build a healthy relationship to you? Then let him do the work, find solutions, present them to you and he needs to show up, be accountable and give you respect. This may take ages. Do you want to believe him? or do you want to KNOW him. My hat's off to you if you choose the latter. This could be a great time of discovery for each of you, and you could potentially build something solid, if you both really want to. I found that focusing on myself, on my well-being and that I was worth fighting for (me fighting for me) gave me a new purpose and stability. So fight for yourself and everything else will fall into place. That's my two cents, take what resonates and leave the rest. I truly wish you well :-)
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